Dumb stuff I read on resumes

Don't go there!

2009-12-04T07:10:05.827-08:00

Not really a resume blooper this one, I just never knew there was a company called Dr Foster Intelligence

So successful

2009-10-12T01:15:40.394-07:00

Yippee! Only 4 months since my last post. Am I getting better or worse?

Puzzling

2009-06-11T03:45:57.349-07:00

There are many skills which are useful in the workplace. Some we learn after years of practice, some we learn when we start our careers and some we learn in education.
I'm not sure however, if the ones we learn in pre-school are particularly relevant.

"Analytical & Problem Solving skills * As a child, I always enjoyed building jigsaw puzzles and was always determined to find the missing piece."

He does not go on to mention that he has successfully given up his blanket, and no longer pisses his pants. Perhaps we shall never know.

i am NOT a homosexual

2009-02-17T01:26:07.259-08:00

Today, a somewhat bizarrely detailed resume which included his BMI (22.9) and lines such as "Driving experience with all sorts of cars. Minivan, Roadster, Saloon, Estate".

Not content with making me wonder how driving a saloon is so much different to an estate, this candidate tops it off with a moment of excellence.

"ps. As I’m Single, I had been questioned by personnel managers in previous interviews about my sexual habits. Weird, but evidently there is a need of explanation. Therefore, I want to let you know, that I am heterosexual. I’m only interested in women ! I’m absolute "normal" at all. I’ve got no problems with these questions, and I don’t complain about it. We do live in the 21st century, after all. Anyway"

Anyway.

Happy 2009 !

2009-01-01T12:15:07.929-08:00

Hope you all had a good Christmas and are pleasantly bloated, vaguely promising yourself that you will make the trips to the gym this year.

Remember, when you're out of work, there are a few options to consider ;

1, Update your resume (ideally with some dumb mistake for me to mock)
2, Go networking
3, Visit the online job boards
4, Pay $1200 for a billboard, advertising yourself as a 'Stylopolitan'

uh, wait, wtf ?

oh yes, really, it's all there in Dallas - http://www.dallasnews.com

Long time no see

2008-11-19T09:31:48.510-08:00

Oops. Haven't done this in a while.

Anyway...

"Please note from my CV I have 6 years buying and negotiating and Sock-Control experience"

Well, why not ? They get separated, worn out, smelly - someone needs to do it.

I have low expectations

2008-07-03T06:01:32.801-07:00

"Previously at Starbucks Coffee Co. the position I occupied allowed me to serve customers and exceed their expectations, by providing them with the right product"

What ? Surely that's meeting expectations isn't it ?
Or did the conversation go like this ?

"I'd like a large Americano please."
"Certainly Madam, here is your large Americano"
"Wow. Thank you for my large Americano. That's more than I could have hoped for !"

a holistic, win-win approach to benchmarking metrics, with an out-of-the-box, synergistic vision of the mind-set

2008-06-27T05:31:12.995-07:00

"A wealth of experience combined with the desire to do more make me both enthusiastic and frustrated.

I would enjoy combining my background in company management/turnarounds/restructuring or product marketing with its associated demands of financial management, production capability, market research and segmentation, pricing, etc in a meaningful role.

Creating good teamwork, sensible computerised systems and housekeeping disciplines, to ensure the wheels don't fall off, are all part of the "givens" that go with any ambitions and are an integral part of my make up."

When will people realize that I'm the only person in the World that reads this crap and takes any notice ?

Don't go swimming in .....uh . too late.

2008-05-14T08:28:18.848-07:00

"My hobbies include regular attendance at my local gym and swimming poo"

no. words. needed.

Online Translation Hell

2008-04-16T02:11:41.489-07:00

I almost feel mean for posting these (note I say 'almost') but sometimes online translation tools belch up some gems.

"Dear Lady/Sir!

I would like to present myself the announced webdesigner onto a position!

It is included in my long-term plans that he is graphic designer inside a trade
let me find a job.

According to my opinion, my school studies, my experiences and it until now
2 of my year professional practices suitable one do the webdesigner scope of activities
onto his filling.

Trust in it, that my letter arouses your interest.

I send it enclosed herewith concerning my curriculum vitae and the reference my works!

I wait for their answer!

I would make the work in telework, freelance if may be!!!

Kind regards,"


I know, I'm a bad man for mocking.

First Day Hell

2008-04-10T02:39:27.170-07:00

I'd just like to point you to an interesting article on The Times website - What not to do when starting a new job.
My favorite is

"A couple of weeks ago a new recruit turned up to his orientation with his mum,” says Donna Miller, the European HR director of Enterprise Rent-A-Car. “We had to explain that he was the one we had hired, not his mother."

How to handle rejection

2008-04-02T01:15:17.759-07:00

Not one I received, but I came across this gem and thought I'd share.

"Herbert A. Millington
Chair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University
College Hill, MA 34109

Dear Professor Millington,

Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
an assistant professor position in your department.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually
large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field
of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in
rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at
this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor
in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,
Chris L. Jensen"

Nothing new but...

2008-03-18T08:19:17.312-07:00

I hope you like the new layout to this blog.

I'm no design guru I know, but the full width layout seems to help and I've changed some colors here and there.

Happy, Happy, Happy Meals

2008-03-17T17:04:56.279-07:00

"Hobbies/Interests: drawing, singing, art, music, surfing the net, collecting Happy Meal toys"


Each to their own I guess. I can imagine him sitting in his room surrounded by sealed bags ("DON'T touch the bags Mother !") laughing maniacally. All are indexed and he's awaiting the day that the art market sees his collection as definitive of the 21st Century.


EDIT : Woah, I just checked. A search for - happy meal toy collecting brings over 1.2 million Google results. I'll get hate mail (in crayon) for this.

Just like my mentor Jon bon Jovi

2008-03-17T17:06:39.097-07:00

I haven't updated in a loooooong time I know, but I'm back with a pip and a doozy. This is something truly extraordinary to restart this faltering blog.

It could be tongue in cheek, but I really hope not. So get a coffee, sit back and enjoy the most wonderous profile page.

"Some things I like:

thin ties. cooking. reading in bed by torchlight. wondering. taking things apart. dogs. making people laugh. sometimes putting things back together. my treasured roman pipe. my bicycle. the freedom it gives me. black. and white. responsible architects. anything by marcel breuer, getting my hands dirty.

I’m a guy with an enviable history. Some would say a rogue, I would say at least a lovable rogue. Just like my mentor Jon bon Jovi, I’ve seen a million faces and I’ve rocked them all.

I’ve spent a considerable time both high above and deep below ground. I like the perspective from both places. It’s a shame so many people never look beyond the front of their noses. I like to see the angles others miss. I’ve listened to a million stories, and told a few of my own. I’d like to hear your story, because there’s nothing like a good story. Except perhaps Dutch liquorice.

I have mastered every genre, from pointy shoe swing kid and glam rockstar, through beat poet and lonesome traveler to cycle messenger outcast and rockabilly cowboy. I can, and do, shoot from the hip, but only when startled. When I shave, I shave with a straight razor, which I sometimes keep in my left boot. Just in case. I no longer cut my face. I can fix your car, or a flat bicycle tyre. I built my first house entirely from Lego. It’s currently on the market, if you’re interested.

I am afraid of the dark.

There’s almost no task that I can’t complete given an opportunity. I taught myself to drive, and cook. I knock out a cracking rendition of Kenny Rogers’ “the Gambler”. I am the best at everything I do. I think laterally. My greatest pleasure is to explore the unseen world that exists in the dreams of the everyday

To quote the great xxxx xxxxx (his name) : “It’s time to knuckle down, get a haircut and a proper job” These days, as there’s scant requirement for a pirate with a heart of gold, I’m shopping out my more creative talents.

I appreciate your time and mine. I look forward to meeting and impressing you."

There, didn't I tell you it was good ?

Pay Per Click

2008-03-17T17:06:44.994-07:00

"I have developed a healthy work-life balance"


That would be admirable, if it weren't for the fact that this guy's resume contained one, solitary, part-time job. Now, to my mind that isn't exactly a balance. The scales appear to be tipping in one direction slightly.
Although perhaps his social life isn't up to much either ?

A positive step

2008-03-25T16:08:18.187-07:00

"I am about to enrol on a Business and Finance Degree with the Open University. I feel that this qualification will prove detrimental to me for future success."

Well done you ! Perhaps you could start some other part-time courses to really ruin your future ?

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