Preview: Angelo Subida
Dr. Angelo O. Subida, Psychotherapist
REVOLUTION PSYCHOTHERAPY, www.drsubida.com. Innovative. Individual. Inspirational. International. * 24/7 Therapy InfoText Hotlines: +63 9090833374 ; +63 9055206951 * firstname.lastname@example.org
Why Your Prognosis Is Poor or Slow
As a psychotherapist, I've seen the most perverse, even the most evil parts of human nature. Constantly, I get exposed to deception, conflict, manipulation, mistrust, betrayal, and even cruelty. Privy to people's most secret, hidden selves, I see them at their worst or severe states. Depending on the severity of a patient's condition, there is somehow a hint on the level of progress a therapeutic process will go.
Among therapists around the world, there is some consensus concerning factors describing problem patients. Let me cite some of the following characteristics that are usually observed in difficult patients, that make prognoses poor or if any, slow:
* Patients with severe medical conditions, like head injury or stroke
* Patients who are hostile, argumentative, hysterical, or skeptical
* Patients with borderline personalities, sociopathic personalities, or other personality disorders
* Patients who refuse responsibility ("you fix me")
* Patients who ignore boundaries (session absences, chronic lateness)
* Patients with hidden agendas (economic motive, legal requirement, compensation)
* Patients who are avoidant, seductive, or afraid of intimacy
* Patients who want something the therapist cannot give them
* Patients who are impatient
* Patients who feel hopeless or actively suicidal
* Patients with poor impulse control (offenders, addicts)
* Patients who are too superficial, concrete, and literal - unable to access or express
deeper internal states
If you're in therapy yourself, do you wonder why your process is progressing so poorly or slowly? For the most part, certain types of patterns of behavior or thought are inherently difficult to deal with.
Your Responsibility When Abused
You may ask, "How can I be responsible when I'm the one abused, hurt, or 'sinned against'?"
One of my former patients, Eddie, was an abandoned and abused child. In his childhood years, he remembers constantly being beaten up by his father and verbally abused by his mother. When he reached high school, his parents separated and left him to the care of neighbors, totally unsupported.
In response, Eddie grew up feeling so angry, bitter, and resentful towards his parents. Sooner, he found himself in the company of criminal gangs. He became addicted to shabu and smoking and got drunk almost each day to numb the pain he's experiencing. One day, in a police buy-bust drug operation, he was arrested and put to jail.
If you've been abused, hurt, or criminally victimized by someone at any stage in your life, you have no responsibility for the event itself. It's outside your control. The issue is not about what has happened to you. However, you are personally responsible and accountable about how you choose to respond from there on. Someone overpowered and wounded you by subjecting you to abuse, whether physically, psychologically, emotionally, or financially. You regain power through your response.
In the aftermath of trauma or destructive events in your life, avoid confusing "blame" with "personal responsibility." You are personally responsible and accountable for the following:
* what you choose to believe or decide about your self after the experience
* how the experience influences your relationships and your life today
* what attitudes and impressions you develop about other people
* how frequent that experience from the past gets replayed in your brain, distorts your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors
Your choice. Listen to your self conversation. Take opportunity to see how you choose to respond to your life experiences. Remember, a key is to do so without blame of self and others.
The smartphone is wonderful. With it, we can check our email, monitor our social network, write in blogs, keep in touch with loved ones and the rest of the world. It's an immensely used digital machine nowadays. In fact, anywhere we go, this tech piece appears to answer the "needs" of countless people around the world.
Yet I notice among us, most people I observe, that the smartphone is always immediately checked, used, or looked at. In the streets. Inside the movie house. While eating in restaurants. In the car, even while driving. Excusing one's self to go to the restroom to check the iPhone. Isolating, withdrawing from social interaction or party, to engage in the virtual place of games or fantasy. Don't you think something is going on here underneath the surface we see?
Dr. Larry Rosen, a well-recognized international expert on the psychology of technology, says there is a rising trend of a type of mental disorder he calls "iDisorder." According to him, iDisorder refers to "changes to your brain´s ability to process information and your ability to relate to the world due to your daily use of media and technology resulting in signs and symptoms of psychological disorders – such as stress, sleeplessness, and a compulsive need to check in with all of your technology."
(image) Well, talking about iDisorder, it's not just smartphone overuse or "addiction." There is, of course, Facebook. Twitter. Instagram. YouTube. Plus ... a lot of other social networks and posting sites. They all look good and can enhance our social or mental life. But with iDisorder, digital technologies and social networks can be places where we may unwittingly harm our minds. Truly, there can be deeper roots of psychological problems related to overuse of technology.
iDisorder is a futurist psychopathology. It's possible, like in other good things, to let too much of a good thing become a bad thing in our lives. In a technology-centric world, we all need to regain control and keep our minds safe and sane.
How about a "tech break" to find out whether we're still normal or already disordered?
The Disease of Person-Addiction
Samantha, a married woman with three young children, met a man working in another country over the Internet. After chatting for some time, she developed a fondness towards him and would begin to miss him. Eventually, they developed an affair kept secret from her husband for several months.
When her husband found out, she "let go" of the other person. But she became deeply depressed and underwent severe withdrawal. Later, Samantha flew out of the country to be with a person she became addicted to.
Have you fallen for a married man or woman?
Or, if you're the married one, have you betrayed your spouse and family to get attached to another person?
Spiritually, socially, and legally, it's forbidden fruit. Noted psychotherapist and author Dr. Robert Herbern calls it "person addiction," a type of psychological disorder, that needs to be broken and where one must heal from.
You see, it's really like a kind of drug. The actual effects are physical, emotional, and psychological addiction and men and women who have this illness will go through the cravings ... just as any drug addict would. The only difference here is we are witnessing a "ruining of lives."
The thing is, with men and women suffering from this type of addiction, they'll feel the pain of "drug rehab." Sometimes, the pain is as much as a person coming off a hard drug like marijuana or heroin. The "person addict" may have shakes, vomiting, and depressive symptoms. He or she could also experience deep withdrawal and isolation.
There are 3 important things to do to deal with "person addiction":
1.) Get committed to "drug rehab" and withdrawal process so you can be physically, emotionally, and spiritually fit and whole again;
2.) Have a complete physical medical check up, eat healthy foods, and exercise;
3..) Then, you need to get into psychotherapy and counseling to work out your problems.
If you know someone who happens to be in this type of addiction, try to help him or her as much as possible. Yes, he or she may feel bad towards you for intervening. Never mind. Just be a true friend or loved one. Get help.
Does Blaming Others Help You?
Blame. It's people's favorite pastime. Blame is, to point to someone or something to be responsible for something wrong or unfortunate that happened to you. As a result, you find your self feeling powerless or helpless.
Maria shared during our session that she spent a large portion of her life with a husband who has been long addicted to pornography and women. She chose to remain in the marriage because of the children and his financial support. Her focus for years was on blaming her husband for her unhappiness. As long as she could vilify him to friends and relatives, she did not see a need to take action. She spent nearly 20 years hurting and blaming her husband and circumstances.
Eventually, Maria and her husband separated. Her husband continued on with his addictions and extra-marital affairs. Do you want to guess what Maria did after the separation? She found a boyfriend who was a married man. After several months, her married boyfriend abandoned her for he could not completely commit to her and their relationship. This in turn wounded her again more severely, allowing her to blame this boyfriend for her predicament rather than be accountable for her choices and actions.
Blaming others can be comfortable and familiar. See, it's their fault! Each time and in every circumstance where you blame others, you are reinforcing your belief that you are not responsible. Feeling the victim always, you get centered on your being helpless and powerless. People who habitually blame others focus on what affects them and what they have no or little control over. By concentrating on these externals, they prove to themselves that there is absolutely nothing they can do.
Indeed, when you are living without personal responsibility and accountability, you move on stucked to the blame mode. The pathological result is draining energy from your self, others, and the world.
The Important Question
Why is it that in most people, “victim experiences” seem to happen repeatedly? Over and over, it becomes a significant issue (sticking point!) in their lives.
Each of us experienced a heart broken. Feelings, spirit wounded. Rejected by people who matter. A victim of another person’s abuse or wrongdoing.
You are not alone.
But, in the course of coping with hurt and victim experiences, we differ in our ways. Look at some of these differences in coping:
— Disappearing (flying under the radar)
— Creating drama
— Becoming righteous and arrogant
— Clinging to someone to rescue us
— Addiction to things or behaviors
— Seeking sympathy
— Confronting obstacles
— Feigning indifference
— Recreating similar experiences to maintain the uncomfortable comfort zone
— Rescuing others
The “learned” coping mechanisms are unlimited. Yet the recurring experiences of victimization via these coping ways can be one of your best clues to your healing and recovery. Repeated dysfunctional patterns of coping provide feedback that you are resisting something.
The important question is, What?
The Prostitute Within
"Inner prostitute." Has it ever crossed your mind that such a thing exists inside you?
Understanding first what a "prostitute is, helps. A "prostitute," in its typical meaning, is one who sells sex and physical body in order to get money or some type of favor. It's a very first thing most people think when they hear the word "prostitute." The word "whore" also comes to mind.
Well, forget the sex in the definition. Think internal, non-physical. So, when I mention "inner prostitute," I therefore mean psychological. Even more so, spiritual. The "inner prostitute" inside each of us to some degree, is metaphorically one that "sells" a part of our selves in order to get something. This type of selling is actually "whoring" one's integrity and self-respect, pushed by the winds of self-interest, vice or indulgence.
Maria, married to a millionaire businessman, was sure that she's doing something against her values. Her husband has been used to bringing women in their bedroom whenever he comes home. Despite her protests, she continues to allow him to do so. According to her, she gives her consent and stays in the toxic marriage for financial security rather than courageously face the unknown. Sacrificing her self-respect for comfort, she "sells out" to her husband's abuse rather than being true to her self.
The "inner prostitute," as you can see, is primarily attached to issues of survival and security. It thrives on deep fears. Often, those who persistently struggle with their "inner prostitute" experienced extreme physical, psychological, and emotional abuse, deprivation, and battering during childhood or earlier years of development. In order to fill the gaps, a person giving in to his/her "inner prostitute" becomes willing to whore away his/her integrity, self-respect, and values to feel provided for, guarded, and protected.
The result? Psychopathology. Personal and relationship breakdowns. A lack of purpose and happiness. Instability in various areas of life. Identity prostituted to others, which may include things such as time, affection, heart, soul, creativity, friendship, or intellect. Telling untruths or lies to one's self and others to have power, a sense of "security."
Indeed, the heart is deceitful above all things. In it dwells the "inner prostitute." Have you come to know it yourself?
Listening With The Third Ear
Love and hate. Dependence and independence. Joy and sadness. Individuality and intimacy. To be left alone and to be assisted. Trust and mistrust. Denial and acknowledgment. To tell and not to tell. To stay and leave.
Opposite tendencies or wishes can do co-exist within us. Especially in moments of stress, we may experience feelings contradicting each other living inside us. What is false and what is true can be confused.
Bridget, a single mother of three, often gets caught in perplexing contradictions. She does not want to be treated as though she is incomplete or needy. However, she admits in her therapy that she'd like men to notice and love her, and making allowances for her hunger to feel "complete" with a man who'd take care of her. She asked, "Am I crazy? I'm confused."
Dividedness. The self pulled apart by contradictions. What do you do in such a distressing psychological state? There seems to be no easy solution. What helps can be the ability to "listen with the third ear." It's like my saying you using your "extra sense," which is something that needs deliberate cultivation. It's not easily accessible by natural means.
"Listening with the third ear" may mean dealing with our dividedness or contradictions as not a problem to be solved, right away. Before healing or wholeness sets in, this dilemma we always find ourselves in is an aspect of the human condition that must be accepted first. Once this prerequisite is done, you then free yourself from the domain of helplessness to resolution or coming to terms with it.
Coffee and Mental Health
It's Harvard. For many years that span multiple decades, its scientists and medical doctors have studied the effects of coffee among thousands of individuals. Health benefits are a recurring theme in all of these Harvard researches. As they say, coffee loves us back!
Among coffee's health benefits, besides physical, based on Harvard research is on mental health. There is, for instance, a 2011 study they made which showed that drinking coffee lowered the rates of depression and suicide. They also found that coffee improves thinking skills, memory, and overall cognitive functioning.
I've done a lot of psychotherapy sessions in the coffee shop. I know it's not traditional. But I'm just that - un-traditional, unconventional, out of the box - because I desire healing to take place in a normal life context. Besides, it's the coffee.
I've realized that the personal therapy of countless individuals and couples in my sessions is facilitated by the coffee and the community hub feel of the coffee shop. Of course, a lot of times, it's the processing that makes the difference. And this processing is hugely impacted somehow by the conversations and experiences shared in the coffee shop.
Famous writer Gertrude Stein once wrote, "Coffee is a lot more than just a drink; it's something happening. Not as in hip, but like an event, a place to be, but not like a location, but like somewhere within your self. It gives you time, but not actual hours or minutes, but a chance to be, like be yourself, and have a second cup."
Voltaire claimed drinking tens of cups a day as a secret of his creative productivity. The philosopher James Mackintosh had said that the powers of a man's mind were proportionate to the quantity of coffee he drank.
Coffee and mental health? There must be something to see in it.
How Do You Bring Up Your Child When You're A Child Yourself?
Once, during a quiet evening, I saw and heard this over TV Channel 7 broadcast, "Paano ka mag-aalaga ng bata kung ikaw ay bata rin?"
It struck me a lot. A therapeutic question! How indeed do you bring up your child when you're a child yourself?
That question gave me one of my most insightful points during a self parenting seminar that I did in a large, South Manila-based school. Around a hundred people or more came (fathers and mothers, teachers, principal, guidance counselors, including the wives of the municipality's mayor and congressman).
It's a different kind of parenting seminar. That's because my focus was on the parents themselves and not on the children. In the seminar, I shared about inner healing and character formation of the parents first before they can apply healthy parenting techniques to their children.
I also shared about my own parenting journey. My ups and downs. My mistakes and joys. More than a psychotherapist, I'm a human father with three children. I've known and experienced how essential it is to be an "adult father," not a "child father."
I hope to reach out to more parents in this area of "self-parenting." I'm not an expert on child rearing techniques (others can more effectively teach that!). But I believe I've been raised in a unique way to teach well on how to "parent one's self" and heal the "inner child" as a foundation for authentic, longterm, healthy parenting of children.
I know. I've been there. And I'm thankful for the opportunity to experience it first-hand myself.
Controlling Your Bad Stress
Stress is an inevitable part of our life. But stress, if not properly coped with, turns bad or unhealthy to our health - physically, emotionally, and psychologically
When stress is bad, it leads to a host of ailments. High blood pressure, among medical conditions. Sleep deficits. Addictions. Relational breakdowns. Mental health disorders.
Let me share here below a few specific things or steps we can take to control "bad stress:"
1. Find out information about what's exactly going on.
2. Let your feelings out through healthy channels.
3. Make time for play or recreation.
4. Pay attention to your family and friends.
5. Stay away from addictions when stressed - drugs, alcohol, smoking, food, sex, gambling, internet etc.
6. Eat healthy.
7. Focus on the positive.
8. Be objective and realistic.
9. Exercise regularly.
10. Find a hobby.
12. Read and meditate on the Word.
13. Celebrate every success.
14. Develop your faith in the Higher Power.
15. Call on a friend.
17. Take a walk to nature.
The Healing of Manny Pacquiao
A few days ago, I was in a meeting and dinner with Manny Pacquaio. It's in his Forbes Park home in Makati. There were some actors, from showbiz. Emerging from traffic, he arrived into the room where we were. Apologizing. He appeared hungering to come and see us. A few seconds after, he sat quietly on the floor, smiling at his guests. With closed eyes moments later, he sang and listened to Scriptures and prayed. The rest of his guests and large entourage of assistants/handlers sensed the deep change in this man. A humble and gracious guy - this man Manny!If you knew Manny before, he was an "addict." Women. Gambling. Alcohol. Drugs. Money. Fame. You name it, according to him, he tried all sorts of "addictive agent" to find satisfaction. In the doctors' DSM manual of mental disorders, addiction is a type of mental disorder or psychopathology. Unknowingly, that's what Manny suffered from.With tons of money, he could get or buy anything. Yet, looking back as Manny shared, all of these "profits from the world" left him feeling stranded. He remained chronically dissatisfied despite everything he owned. His sadness and emptiness filled him with dread as his own surface deteriorated. Satiation, or running out of wants, is indeed a living death.As a psychotherapist, I move within the limitations of human language. Crises and traumas are my allies. They hasten the process of discovery more than all the reasoning and analysis I can muster. My richest sessions occur when my patients are feeling empty and suffering a lot. This void always precedes significant change.What happened to Manny Pacquaio? How did he heal from his broken, addicted past? What made him able to avoid the tragedy of "unlived life" still inside him?Out of his emptiness and dissatisfaction, Manny would recollect, he derived readiness for the arrival of his new self when the Word was shared to him. One biblical psychotherapy verse can describe what happened to him: "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:7).Manny's heart and mind was changed. He got the "secret" of true, lasting psychotherapy.[...]
It can sound rude to ask a person his or her age. In a world of youth-centric societies and media, a lot who are aging may take offense. Psychologically and emotionally, some people are simply not ready to accept or feel proud being a "senior citizen."
One time, I was crossing a street where I saw a "multi-colored" woman. Her face was filled with lipstick and makeups. Dressing in a miniskirt with rainbow colors, topped by shining jewelry, she walked the street like a teenager. The thing is, her facial features and physique showed obvious signs of her age. She's possibly around age 60 or 65 - a senior citizen who appears like an adult teenager!
Gloria Diaz, the first-ever Filipina to be crowned Miss Universe, is proud to be 65. In her newspaper interview over at The Philippine Star I'd been reading this morning, she said, "When we were younger, our main focus is ourselves. Whatever we're doing, it's about us, our clothes, our shoes, where we're going. But as you get older, your focus shifts to your kids. And then it moves to your grandchildren. And then your partner. You become the last priority of yourself. All of a sudden, you realize your own mortality. You know that you have to eat well, sleep well, and you need fewer things."
Gloria also remarked on a few more things she learned as she takes her journey to aging. "When you get to my age, you're more relaxed. Before I would wear high heels, girdles, now I don't have to. These days, I enjoy wearing rubber shoes or 'step-in.'" She then added having a personal relationship with the Lord is her most important secret to successful aging.
We can all learn to age well and be healthy. We make the most of the time that remains. There is this awareness that we are simply not immortal. We prepare for the best life to come!
Smiles and Your Brain
One of my recent sessions was filled with joy. A couple, who used to experience bitterness, rage, and anger towards each other learned to smile a lot at each other. With that, they discovered how much they're capable to feeling kind and compassionate to each other, struggling though they may be. A cheerful smile became medicine to their marriage.
Smiles have a therapeutic effect on our brain chemistry, according to experts. Researchers have found out that "when we smile, it releases brain chemicals called 'endorphins' which have an actual physiological relaxing effect." They say that smiles not only diffuse crisis or tense situations in relationships. They also diffuse tension within our selves.
Have you ever witnessed people using foul language, with rising tempers or careless behaviors towards each other? They usually have stern, frowning faces. Some are used to brawling and slander. They threaten or damage relationships and themselves. Their emotions as well as the way they react to situations are out of control. And they seldom smile. Unfortunately, we live in a world filled with unsmiling, joyless faces.
So, the next time you felt so angry with someone or because of an argument, remember how it affects your health and well being. Look instead at the bright side of things. Tap that part of you inside that feels lighter and cheery. Smile. It can do wonders.
I'm reminded of Aldous Huxley, a noted writer-philosopher. He was dying. At his deathbed, he was asked what words and wisdom he would like to tell and leave to the world. He replied, "I wish people would be kinder to each other."
What does "kindness" mean? Here's what "kindness" means if we go by the American Heritage Dictionary: "of a friendly nature, generous or hospitable, warmhearted, good, charitable, helpful, showing understanding or sympathy, humane, considerate, tolerant."
Heeding Huxley's words, I feel how much it applies to our society in general. Reading recent local news, for example, we can witness a lot of unkindness. Government leaders fuming mad and assassinating each other's characters in public. They all speak of healing our country. But how does a country heal when leadership is ruled by poisonous emotions, tongue, behavior, and self-perception? Sadly, the practice of kindness in our country, and even in the rest of the world, resembles a drought.
When I think of the numerous men and women who see me in the psychotherapy session, I never fail to see their eyes glistening with held-back or free-flowing tears. In relating their stories, they react with poignant sadness. Often, they remember that kindness was nonexistent in the growing up period of their lives. And goodness! How much they hunger and yearn for their parents to show more kindness to them and each other.
I usually tell them it's ok not to be ok. To feel sad about the unkindness they've experienced in their lives. Even weep for the kindness they did not receive from their parents or others when they were children. But, they need to learn to let go, eventually. They need to learn to grieve completely their unprocessed pains. And then, use their present lives and relationships as a "second chance" to experience the kindness they did not have.
Kindness heals. Choose it for your self and others.
OFWs and Their Left-Behind Kids
"Parenting and providing are two different things," is one of the remarks I made during my recent television interview last week over at Ikonsulta Mo GMK UNTV. Congressman Erin, the TV program's senior host, was asking me on the impact on parenting of parents going overseas for work on their left-behind children. To that I painted a not-so-good picture of the psychological and social realities of the OFW phenomenon on the Filipino family.I'm reminded of Maria who went to Dubai to work as an office employee. She left behind a 3-year old daughter and a 15-year-old son in the care of her husband. After 10 years as a migrant worker, Maria found herself husband-less with a drug-addicted, delinquent son who dropped out of school and a teenage daughter who became deeply depressed and suicidal that she had to be rushed for psychiatric treatment. Her husband had sexual affairs and impregnated one woman who happened to be a single mother.Although dubbed as "Bayani" by the government for their remittances boosting the country's economy, the psychological and social costs of labor migration among Filipinos remain so increasingly high. Statistics and studies show that the separation of family members from one or both parents working abroad have been linked to problems such as marital breakdowns/infidelity, juvenile delinquency, drug addiction, dropping out of school, teenage pregnancy, early marriage of young children, and parental alienation. Dependency on money received abroad have also been implicated as contributing to families of migrants becoming materialistic, losing desire to work, and suffering mental health or relationship disorders.Indeed, the economic well being of OFW families cannot be divorced from the conditions of nurturing the mental health of left-behind children. To address the known care deficits that always happened, it's crucial therefore for OFWs to be able to communicate with their left-behind children in healthy ways while overseas as well as educate themselves on the value and dynamics of true parenting given the sub-ideal family situation they find themselves in. The issue of surrogates or alternative caregivers is a significant area of development to better nourish the mental health and physical care of left-behind children. allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="200" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/8693c-Xu3xo" width="300">[...]
Do You Have "Conflict-Phobia?"
Are you "abnormally" afraid of conflict or taking a stand?
A patient, Kelly, is depressed. She lacks sexual desire towards her husband. She actually feels distant emotionally from him. For years, Kelly’s husband tries to control her and treat her like a child. He’d complain about her clothes, her friends, her spending. He’d belittle her in front of their children and others.
Yet even though this bothers her so much, Kelly says very little about it to her husband because she doesn’t want to fight. By giving in to the unreasonable demands of her husband even early on prior to marriage, Kelly taught her husband that it’s ok to control and abuse her.
Many people have “conflict phobia.” They’d do everything to avoid it so as not to experience turmoil or conflict. But, this “conflict phobia” and avoidance only sets up any relationship for further turmoil rather than less.
The lesson? Learn the psychological steps to deal with conflict. Standing up to an abusive person, for instance, after years of giving in is very hard. Yet it’s essential for healing and saving the other person, your self, and the relationship. I’ve witnessed many patients who even after many years of giving in learn to take a stand for themselves and change their relationship.
Psychotherapy Without Borders
It used to be a traditional way. I once worked all the time in the office, with armchair and tools. But with it, the problem of the high costs of wasted time enduring more than a couple of hours travel each day to office. The cost of fuel, not factoring in medical costs of my increasing weight, blood pressure, traffic-anxiety, and fatigue, significantly reduced my joy and effectiveness.
I'm glad times have changed. With the growth of the mobile and the internet, society has progressively moved work channels from the physical to the digital. The lines between work and life are being erased in the process. Time and money are saved. The threat of burnout and mental health challenges get to be addressed. Distance is no longer a problem between people engaged in a working process.
Whenever I do Skype or phone sessions with counsellees from the Philippines, Qatar/Dubai, Australia, USA, Japan, or anywhere else around the world, I've come to feel that I'm more productive and refreshed working remotely than when sedentarily confined in a clinic cubicle. I'm glad I can do running or recharging while helping anyone, anywhere!
Productivity appears more in the comfort of home or natural environs of individuals engaged in life session. The domino effect is the natural fruit of seeing that the main value exists not in the structure of a fixed physical space of an office - but in the value of output made. I think I'm not alone in believing this to be so in our times.
The working world in general is more and more showing a a rising trend of decreased need for a central physical hub to do work. I'm reading US National Library of Medicine, which suggests that remote, digitally-based workers have higher performance outputs. The less office means increased productivity by up to 70%, according to Time Doctor Stats.
With technology spurring growth and saving costs, don't be surprised if you see me championing a non-traditional office-less "psychotherapy without borders." Via Skype or phone. Or, in coffee shops, beaches, or malls. It's organic. Natural life flow. Time/cost-effective. In short, a more healthy option towards your search for healing and wholeness in your life.
Dr. Frank and His Addiction
The addiction problem that afflicts millions of men and women around the world is smoking. Due to its heavy commercialization and widespread use, cigarettes are commonly accessible. After they've engaged in it, people from all stages of life have a hard time giving it up.
According to the WHO or World Health Organization, smoking is a leading cause of cancer and health deterioration all around the world. Based on medical and scientific studies, the nicotine in smoking, when one gets addicted to it, can result in a person's premature death. Worldwide statistics show this to be so.
Dr. Franki Oski, a smoking medical doctor, once wrote an article in 1979 in the New York Times, rationalizing that smoking was good for his health. Five years later, after having a heart attack at age 51, he wrote another article linking smoking to heart disease. Since his last serious heart attack, Dr. Frank had chosen to totally stop his addiction to nicotine.
Nicotine is an addictive poison, like other specifically-known substances. It kills. It destroys heart and brain health. Yet it's sad that many still choose to get addicted to it, consume large amounts of the substance, despite its life-damaging consequences. For many, it becomes too late to change.
In the case of Dr. Frank, his unlearning his dependency to smoking was closely linked to his desire to live longer. He wanted to avoid another heart attack or stroke, escape premature death. As smoking ceased to be rewarding to Dr. Frank, other types of rewards take its place in his life.
There is hope to quit addiction. Any type, as a matter of fact. Do not wait until it's too late. Or, a lot of damage is already done. Value your one life. Not every one is given another chance to redeem mistakes and become whole again.
Taking Responsibility For Your Self
Mental health and the matter of "willing and choosing" has a close linkage. It's apparent, viewed from the perspective of self creation, healing, wholeness, action. I also call or describe this psychological principle as "taking responsibility for your self." As Sartre put it, we are the authors of ourselves.
A patient, Benjamin, has a recurring dark side to his mind in viewing his present predicament. He constantly blames others for his debts and business bankruptcy, his physical illnesses, and his family disintegration. And with avoidance of personal responsibility comes Benjamin's string of psychological disorders, such as anxiety panic attacks, depression, obsessive compulsions, and substance addictions.
Each one of us is a "constituter" of the world we find ourselves in. We author the form and meaning that we give not only to our internal but to the external world as well. We each process events, circumstances, and relationships in our lives through our own neurological and psychological apparatus. Through the accretion of these individual choices, thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and our failures to act in constructive ways, we ultimately manufacture our selves and our worlds.
We cannot avoid this personal responsibility, this freedom of "willing and choosing" for our selves. No matter what happened to us, done to us, from the outside, we remain our own primal world "constituters." We remain responsible for our own response and existence -- nobody else. Those who deny, ignore, or become unwilling to take responsibility for themselves end up remaining sick or stuck. Such principle is a highly essential visible denizen in all psychotherapy treatment.
Out Of The Mud Grow The Lotus
I think of this Chinese saying, "Out of the mud grow the lotus."
It's applicable to each one of us who rose above dysfunctional backgrounds or traumatic life experiences.
You might think that men and women are already damaged for life because they've experienced very hurtful, abusive childhoods, marriages, or relationships.
Yet nothing could be farther from the truth.
Brian is a single father with three grown children. His wife committed adultery and deserted their marriage. Instead of wallowing in depression, Brian sought out help for his problems. The brokenness became a creative place for him to heal and grow.
In the course of his recovery, Brian learned to be a better father and be intimate with his kids, not like his own father. He has become a successful entrepreneur and writer. Brian has also become recognized in the media and international circles for his work on life recovery.
Perfected saints are for heaven. But here on earth, we are all fallible human beings. We all have the free will to overcome adversities, make better choices if we determine to do so.
There is promise in the pain. It can be the best thing that ever happened in your life. Make sure you catch it.
Dina and Tim
When Dina and her husband Tim consulted me for the first time, I tried to support them in becoming clear about what they're hearing and saying to each other. Unfortunately, Tim can't help but be verbally abusive of Dina during our session. He'd call her names, constantly accusing and blaming her. Needless to say, Tim remained feeling justified in escalating horrifically his verbal assaults of Dina and shifting his responsibility onto her.
As Dina moved on in her personal recovery process, things got different. She realized that the issue was not her not being affectionate or understanding enough. It was not her not being able to listen or explain things to Tim. Nor was it because she was failing as a woman or as a person. The issue was verbal abuse.
For the first time in her marriage, Dina saw that she was not to blame for the abuse. She's not responsible for any part of it. Her husband Tim was the perpetrator. With this emergent awareness on her part, Dina felt empowered. She's able to re-frame her thoughts and feelings, and devise a behavioral plan, based on a more accurate reading of reality.
Surely, unless Tim chooses to look into himself, he will not perceive his abuse and lack. If he does decide to look into his own inner "beast," he will witness a life spent, not in living, but in hiding his self from himself. Unless Tim actively seeks personal rehabilitation through the hard work of therapy, he will live a "nonlife." This is his own personal tragedy.
In the meantime, Dina is healing and evolving. She's one of those Michael White referred to when he once wrote, "I experience inspiration from the steps that people take to dispossess the perpetrators of their authority, the steps that people take in reclaiming the territory of their lives, in the refashioning of their lives, in having the 'last say" about who they are."
The Search for Intimacy
In my practice, I always sense that concerns about intimacy and connection can masquerade in sexual garb. Infidelity. Sexual addiction. Pornography. Homosexuality, lesbianism. Something about sex makes one feel some type of connection, an anti-thesis to the wounding, lack, or loss of vital relationship.
While speaking to Noel, he shared how compulsively he'd go into sex with multiple women and even men in times of internal distress. He said he feels so dirty whenever he does so yet he finds himself out of control doing what he doesn't want to do. It's been his "fix" since youth when his father and mother separated and abandoned him.
It's not uncommon to those who have suffered psychological, emotional, or even physical abandonment or abuse to find sources of relief. Many individuals, deprived of proper amounts of intimacy or connection to "significant others" find themselves pervasively occupied with sexual thoughts. A study of men and women wounded by the trauma of abandonment documents increased sexual content in their thoughts and behaviors.
The French term for "orgasm" is "la petite niort." It means "little death." It signifies an orgasmic loss of self, which eliminates the pain of separateness. The high seems to be on the feeling or experience of the lonely "I" vanishing into the merged "we" of the sexual act.
Perhaps this explains a root of this type of psychological disorder.
Healing From A Broken Home
In the current world Olympics in Rio, Brazil, my attention was caught by one now being touted as the "best athlete in the world" - 19-year-old Simone Biles. She has become the most decorated gold medalist in World Olympics gymnastics history.
Getty NBC Olympics describes her in varied ways: "Best ever." "The perfect 10." "The best gymnast in history." "Unbeatable." "Stunning." "Breathtaking." "A legend in the making."
It usually takes a lot of foundational support and resources since childhood to produce one like Simone. In my mind, this little girl may have come from a well-privileged and affluent family, which provides all that's needed to develop a champion athlete. A set of loving father and mother who love, guide, and encourage her. The best the world has to offer in terms of mentors, trainings, and logistics.
I was inaccurate.
Simone and her siblings were born into a fatherless, drug-abusing family. Her father abandoned her mother and was never present in Simone's life as well as that of her siblings. In her childhood, Simone and her 3 siblings were shuffled back and forth between their addict-mother's house and a foster home.
Until she was adopted by a loving Christian family in Texas USA. That made the difference. Simone was saved in time by positive role models and surrogate parents who raised her. It's encouraging to note that there is always new hope for children of broken homes. It's a myth that one becomes a "permanent loser" when originated from a broken family.
In my exploration of Simone's life from adoption onwards, I wondered about her starting point of becoming an achiever rather than a clone of her biological parents. I found out that she remains forgiving, humble, and forward-looking. She has learned to separate out her mother and father's problems from hers. She has become determined never to repeat what she saw her parents do to themselves.
The Elephant, Mr. Scrooge: Healing Lessons
After my session with a wounded couple two days ago, my mind seemed to have been visited by images of the “elephant.” The elephant is the largest land animal on earth. And one of the most powerful. Yet i’d been reflecting that it takes only one rope to restrain one big elephant.
Here is how it works, as I reflect further.
When the elephant was a “child” or young, he is tied to a large tree. For weeks, the young elephant will strain, protest, pull but the rope holds him fast to the tree. So eventually, the elephant gives up. Then, when the elephant reaches his full size and strength, he won’t struggle or choose to get free. Once he feels resistance, he stops.
Why is this so, I thought.
The huge elephant still believes that he is held captive. He still thinks that he does not have the capacity or power to choose and break free.
That story is very much like our journey to heal our wounded inner child. When stuck, we are all called to leave childhood and our mother and father, so we can enter and live fully our adulthood.
A second image entered my mind after my recent session. It’s Mr. Scrooge! That unhealed, wretched man in the Christmas Carol story. Well, Mr Scrooge did not become a new, healed man because of Christmas cheer. Rather I was reflecting that his transformation occurs when the spirit of the future permits him to witness his own death and strangers squabbling over his possessions.
Well, the healing message behind Mr. Scrooge’s story is simple and profound: Though the physicality of death destroys us, the idea of death may save us.
In the sessions that I worked with terminally ill patients, I witness a great many, facing death or the years diminishing, underwent significant and positive personal change. They re-prioritized their values and started to trivialize the trivia in their lives. Internal wounds melt away, they found true meaning of life in their remaining years, which are not that many.