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Preview: Is this what God intended?

Is this what God intended?

Is this what God intended? -

Last Build Date: Sun, 15 Jun 2008 23:06:27 GMT

Copyright: NOINDEX

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 23:06:27 GMT

I had this vision of you being this perfect person.
A man who respected women, who went out of there way to help...
Someone who cared, and listened.

It started out perfect.
The way you looked at me.
The way you kissed my forehead.
You talked to me like I was the only women in the world.
I was love struck,
All my morals went out the window...
Everything I believed in looked different.

But this is what I get now.
A man who only wants to change who I am.
A man who doesn't listen, doesn't care...
A man who loves me, only when he feels like it.
You hurt me.
In a way I've never been hurt.

Jaiden, I love you.

Sat, 15 Dec 2007 06:01:22 GMT

Jaiden's got a tattoo on his belly. Every time I see it, it makes me smile. He got the tattoo from one of those machines at the entrance of Fred Meyers, you know the ones where you put in your change, push the medal tab, pull it out, and out pops a white piece of cardboard with the tattoo sandwiched inside. His just happens to be a lion with sharp teeth amongst red roses. He wanted to put it on the second we got it... "Just like Daddy" he said.
Its this simple thing... Him wanting to be like his dad that makes me realize how fast he is growing. The way he looks up at Steve.... The way he copies his statements. And the older he gets, the more I see Steve in his face, in his expressions, in his smile. Only 4 year ago and a handful of months, I was looking into the face of a newborn, wondering what he would be like, if he would be shy, or outgoing, if he would prefer his peanut butter sandwiches toasted, or soft, or even like then at all. What his smile would be like... If he would enjoy school, or take after me, and hate it. If he would say things like "The human head weighs eight pounds".... It seems like it was just yesterday that I wondered these things, and now as I sit here with him watching Dora the Explorer, I know him in a way I never expected... In a way only a mother knows there own son. I know all the answers to the questions above, and more, like what his favorite blankets are, his favorite color, his gestures, the way he asks for something to eat at 10:00 every night.... I know Jaiden Kelly Anderson better then anyone! And I love him just the way he is.

Sun, 09 Dec 2007 21:40:29 GMT

My boys are being extra needy today...
I think it might be nap time...

Wed, 26 Sep 2007 04:59:00 GMT

So today I went to a purse party so I could get some free wine. Yep, that's right.
Yesterday my aunt said to me "want to go to this purse party with us?" and I hesitated, then she said "there will be wine and chocolate cake" and I said "HELL YEAH Ill be there"
And I was. About 4 glasses of riesling later, I was stumbling around making stupid jokes and eating potpourri. And I have always been told, when you start eating the Potpourri, its time to get going. LOL.

So here I am, at home. Typing in this journal.

I think I am going to head down stairs and have a Grays Anatomy marathon. That sounds freaking wonderful.

Sat, 08 Sep 2007 07:26:36 GMT

I am getting so boring! I mean, the only two things I can think about writing are how I am sick and tired of having dandruff and I started a jiggsaw puzzle today to hang up in our bedroom because we are to freakin cheap to by an acutal print! Yeah, I know... Totally loserish!

What happened to me being cool and exciting? What happened to being spontanious and doing something for no reason at all? Hmmm...

Steve and I got in a boxing match a couple days ago just for fun. And he socked my left arm so hard that it went stiff, and now I have a huge bruise! What I learned from that is boxing is a tough sport... And next time Im going to go for the nads. LOL.

So Im off to bed... Steves out with his friends tonight and won't be home till tomarrow evening, so I get to sleep next to my next favorite male, Jaiden of course.

Thu, 30 Aug 2007 23:05:19 GMT

Jaiden and Brennan are driving me freakin crazy today!
I only really ever have about 2 hours away from the kids a day, and thats when they are napping. Well today for some reason neither of them will nap, and Im about to go freakin apeshit on em.
This is rediculous. I just want to run away.

Scared Shitless

Mon, 27 Aug 2007 23:08:46 GMT

Here is my dilema.... We need a new car. We have two, yes. And they are fine cars. But my Honda has alot of miles, and Steve's 4runner is a gas hog! So eventually we are going to need to get a new car anyways. With Steve driving to Portland once a month for drill, we need a car with good gas milage, and good snow/ice handling...

So, we went and looked at cars yesterday. And we found a 2003 Subara Legacy that we really liked... They told us they would call us back today and see if they could get us financed(Steve has terrible credit, and I don't have any).. They called us back today and said they could, our payments will be in the $350 area... Yeah I know... Thats alot of stinkin money a month. But for Steve's credit, I mean, and having the car so new... Plus that includes a roadside warrenty till its paid off... I am thinking we are going to go for it. We can make it work... Its just change. Change scares me. And being as me JUST paid off both cars and haven't had a car payment in awhile (its been nice) I just hate the idea of car payments again. But it will be worth it in the long run. We are trading the 4runner in outright for the downpayment. So its no out of pocket expence for us. So realisticly we could walk in there with the papers and walk out with a new subaru legancy....

Ugg, it makes me nervous though. Anways, Now that I have thought about it and wrote about it, I am actaully getting really excited!!!

I'll let you know how it goes tomarrow. And I'll post pictures of our new baby!

A slow down

Sun, 19 Aug 2007 05:10:21 GMT

Finally everyone is starting to feel better. Jaidens been fine for about a week and a half, and Brennan started feeling better 2 days ago... I just hope this is the end of solminella in my household... I can tell you what, I will defanatly be sure to wash, sanitize, and clean everything that somes is contact with raw meat and poultry. Even though I don't even think it was my doing... (meaning I don't think the infected meat came from my house) I am still going to watch out and be very causious from now on....

Other then that, not much is new.... Pretty boring actually.

Somebody help!

Tue, 14 Aug 2007 23:35:44 GMT

Brennan has Solminella now. Isn't that just wonderful? I am so tired. I mean first I have to deal with Jaiden being super sick, and taking him to the ER 3 times in 5 days... And now I have to stay up all night with Brennan and change his diapers over and over again. There is only so much a person can deal with and I think I am to my limit!

Home Free

Sat, 11 Aug 2007 17:41:54 GMT

Well, atleast Steve is home... He made it home yesterday safely.
I'll be heading home early monday morning.
Not much new has been going on. Im tired. I need to pack up our stuff, and here I am typing a post. Im such a procrastinator.

2 days

Fri, 10 Aug 2007 16:13:55 GMT

Till I head home. Bend Oregon here I come.
I really do enjoy the cool temps, and ocean smell here, but I sure do miss home. Where there isn't white bella hair everywhere, and I can sleep in my own bed next to my husband.

I miss my Husband...

Thu, 09 Aug 2007 04:31:42 GMT

Steves been one since the 27th. I've been so busy with the boys... And rushing around... Plus Jaiden having Solmenella kept me quite busy, with all those ER visits. But now that I actually have some down time, I am really missing his company. I miss waking up next to him... I miss seeing his face...
I love him so much. Four more day!!!

If thats not enough....

Tue, 07 Aug 2007 01:06:22 GMT

This last weekend Jaiden went up to stay with Steves parents in Tillamook. Now he won't leave my side. He is a total Mommies boy. Even though it is increadibly hard because I feel like I ALWAYS have him. I hope he does ok at preschool. It will be a bummer if I pay so much money and have him get nothing out of it.

My sister got a new car. She is pretty super psyced about that.

Gosh, I really don't have much else to say!

Instead of showering....

Sun, 05 Aug 2007 16:39:57 GMT

like I should be, here I am in LJ. Gosh.
Anyways, Jaiden is almost all better. He is actually staying with his grandparents (Steves mom and dad) for the day. He spend the night last night... I felt so bad leaving him there... He has a really hard time being away from me. I miss him so much... Its funny how I want a break from him... But then when he is gone I spend my whole time thinking about him. LOL.
I spent mucho dollars at Oshkosh yesterday. I really didn't feel like doing laundry while I am here, so instead I bought some clothes. Gosh I am so lazy. But hey, Jaiden needed some new clothes for preschool, so its all good. He is growing so fast! I mean he use to be a size below what he actually is. Like say when he was 2, he was in 18 months clothes... Now he isn't even 4, but it seems like he is growing out of all his size 4 clothes... He isn't even tall or anything... He is very slim, and tiny. So it baffels me that he is in 4s at all. And yesterday when I held up a size 5, It looked WAY to big. Although oshkosh clothes seems to fit perfect for his size 4.
Lets see... I have been away from Steve for a week and 2 days now. Weird. I miss him ofcourse. And I miss his help.. But I have been so busy with everything I haven't really had much time to think about it. And normally I cry when he leaves... I didn't this time. Maybe thats what 4 years of marriage and being together for 6 years does to someone. Plus its nice to hang around my family.
I'm going to head up to costco today and get some batterys for Mias camera. I really have been needing to take pictures. She has a cannon powershot. So it might be very interesting using a point and shoot. We'll see.
Thats about it for now. I really should jump in the shower. Well maybe not "jump" but more like step in the shower. I really don't feel like breaking any bones.

The power of perfection

Mon, 30 Jul 2007 22:32:36 GMT

Things are slowly getting back to normal.
Jaiden is feeling better more and more... And we are regaining our sleep little by little.

It feels so good to be here at the coast. Home. Its weird how you can leave your home town for years and come back, and it still feels like home. The smell of the beach, the feel of the coastal wind. Nothing compares. Even though I love where I am living now... I will always consider Seaside my home.

I posted a couple new videos on my myspace if you want to check them out.

Brennan is DEATHYLY scared of my sisters bunny.. It is hilarious... Oh gosh. You just have to watch the video to see for yourself.

Thats about it for today.

Writer's Block: In The Money

Mon, 30 Jul 2007 02:05:22 GMT

If you won $100 this afternoon, what would you do with it?

Hmmmm. I would probably buy some grocarys for my sisters (marital) apartment where we are staying. There isn't a whole lot of food... And since $100 doesn't go very far.. That would probably be it.

My poor Jaiden

Mon, 30 Jul 2007 00:55:55 GMT

So here is an update on my last couple days.. Ill start at the beginning....
Thursday during the day Jaiden wasn't being quite himself. He was very calm, slow, and wanting to really just hang out and rest.. So I figured something wasn't right with him... I thought maybe he was just tired..
So then thursday night, Jaiden was up all night having diarrhea... When he woke up that morning he had an 102.8 temp. Which was SOO convenient because we were planning on leaving for the coast at 11:00 that day.
So I take him over to my aunt Missy's house, so that she could help me get some tylonol... (He wouldn't take it from me). Which reduced his fever to 99.5, so we figured, I might as well still go to the coast... He should be fine.
So the whole trip to the coast, all 9 hours of it, we spent pulling over for him to have diarrheas... And the worst part, being when we were going through portland, during rush hour traffic, on the freeway, with it being SO hot in the car (My Air Conditioning isn't working), Jaiden throws up EVERYWHERE... So I have to pull off the shoulder of the freeway, turn on my hazard lights, and clean up the FOWL smelling barf... At this point Jaiden is SOO lethargic... We get back on the freeway, and pull off on an exit, take Jaidens temp which is 103.3. So we do tylonol again. But he still feels super hot even once we get to the coast. I was planning on just dropping Brennan off at my moms while I headed straight to the ER. But once I arrived, we decided that since his fever dropping alittle that we would just take him to urgent care in the morning once it opened.
So all night friday night Jaiden was up with the diarrheas again... At 5:30 when he woke up for the billionth time, he was SO hot, he was SOO lethargic, he wouldn't even talk to me. So Allie and I rushed him to the ER. Where they found an ear infection, and said he probably has a virus aswell. So they give us some meds, and all of saterday he layed around sleeping and pooping...
Last night wasn't as bad, he was only up 3 times...
Today he has been better off and onn... But atleast he is eating and drinking now.
Let me tell you, I was SO scared for him. He has NEVER been this sick before.
So just keep him in your prayers tonight!

Burn't crispy

Wed, 25 Jul 2007 18:58:32 GMT

I am so SUNBURNT! Its my fault really. I was the dop who didn't put on sunscreen... Boy do I regret that now.
Yesterday we went to float the river. It was nice to not have the kids and just... Float.

Its been so great hanging out with my sisters. I actually feel less depressed, and alot less stressed out. I LOVE having people around me. And I think one of the reasons why I was so depressed/anxietized/stressed was because I was alone all the time. Doing the same thing over and over everyday. It really does help to get out and have fun.

tho thooper

Sun, 22 Jul 2007 20:38:58 GMT

Say that out loud... Hehe.
Soooo.. Whats new you might ask...?
Well, lets see... Two of my sisters are here visiting.. Well not exactly "here" at my house, but "here" in Bend. They are staying at my aunts house which is about 10 minutes away. So thats pretty cool. Jaiden LOVES his aunties! Brennan just LOVES to be held. So he enjoys their company too. He's like a little koala bear.. Just kind of clings to them...
Boy does this kids STINK! I need to change his diaper before this area get so toxic that we both faint.. Be right back...........................................................................
Wow... That was bad. Here is my new theory... Brennan thinks his crib is a toilet. I really think so. EVERY time he is in there, (every time) he poops... Now this definitely could turn into a big problem... What if he doesn't outgrow this "crib=pooping phase?!?" LOL. "Oh he is typically a really good boy, but gosh, you would think a 16 year old would know not to poop in his bed!!" Haha.

Hmmm. What else....?
Oh Oh oh... Ok. So last night at my aunts house we were all watching "Datelines To Catch a Predator" and I have to say... That is the most funny crap I have EVER seen!! Oh gosh.. I really just LOVE watching people get caught red handed. It makes me laugh. (the evil side of me)... I think I had laughed harder watching that show last night then I have laughed in a LONG time. They say "oh no... I wasn't coming here for sex... I was just bringing her dinner".. Or my favorite, the 50 year old man walks in and the girl says "did you bring the candy"!!! WHAT! That is comedy!

So thats really all... I'm heading over to my aunts house after the boys take their naps... We'll see what kind of fun crazy crap we get ourselves into!
Tah Tah...
Au-sta Lasagna

Fighting the feeling

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 21:22:52 GMT

I've come to a point now where I wonder how long my life will be this way.
How long will my Jaiden be obsessed with Dora and claim she is his "bestest friend"...
How much longer will Brennan let me hold him while he falls asleep?
Will Jaiden always look in my eyes and tell me "thanks for knowing me"... Or will it change to "I love you", or "thanks for doing your best"...
How long will throwing a ball at the ceiling be the funniest thing ever...?
How long will a sandwich be known as a "fam-fwitch"?
It amazes me how quick they grow... How quick they change and learn, and separate themselves apart from you....
And as I watch Brennan sleep.... His thumb in his mouth, and his little chest rising and falling, I think, why won't things just stay this way forever?.....

Writer's Block: Bump In The Night

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 05:40:42 GMT

What are you afraid of?
There is a lot of things I am afraid of... Probably more things then things I'm not afraid of.
Lets see... I think the number one things I am afraid of is something bad happening to one or both of my boys. I just... I couldn't even imagine what that would be like.
I am also afraid of losing anyone really close to me.
I'm afraid of people dying...
I'm afraid of people not liking me, or thinking I'm stupid...
I'm afraid of bugs... Any type.
Natural disasters..... (Mainly tsunamis, because I grew up on the coast)
I'm afraid of someone braking in to my house...
I'm afraid of being cheated on... Or left.
Of not being good enough...
I'm afraid of never amounting to anything.
I'm afraid of not being a good mom, or wife, or friend... Sister, daughter...
I'm afraid of my crackhead neighbors...
Deathly afraid of chemical weapons...
Freak accidents..
Plane crashes...
Giant whales getting beached.......
huge boats....
Blood, and Gore....
Yep... I'm sure there is stuff I am leaving out... But thats the gist of it.

not place like.... here?

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 05:23:28 GMT

I'm pretty tired of all of the "not sleeping" going on at my house...
It seems like we are up 24 hours a day... And then, when I do get a chance to go to bed... Guess where I am? No guess....
I'm sitting here on the freakin computer!

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 05:21:00 GMT

Tuesday I got home from the coast. I was going to stay for 2 weeks... But I only ended up staying 4 days... For some reason it just wasn't the best time to be there. Jaiden was terrible... Me and my sister fought the whole time (not like either of us to fight) my mom hardly talked... And I felt like crying atleast 10 times. Im not sure what was wrong.. Something in the air.

There was a couple things that I noticed that wasn't bad...

When I was 7 my mom got divorced from my real Dad, and married a guy named "Daddy Mike"...
Well after 7 years my mom got a divorce from him... Sooo, I told you that story to tell you this one.

My daddy mike has been there for us through everything. Even after they divorced. And as I sat by him at my little sisters graduation.. His salt and pepper hair, his warm smile.. I thought, "this is the man who didn't have to be a father... He took us onn, the three of us, and raised us. He was the dad who encoriged us, loved us... And this is the man, who still shows up at our graduations... Who was still there when I had my babies... With no blood attachment... Just heart attachment..." I can't even say how much him in my life has bettered me as a person... I just wanted to get that out...

Other then that....
Bummer... But it feels good to be home.

Frusteration vacation

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 18:56:39 GMT

Let me tell you alittle about my trip so far....
Jaiden has crapped his pants 3 times, wet the bed last night... Hasn't listened for more then maybe 30 mintues this whole time... He has said 2 cuss words infront of my family.. And Im pretty sure no one wants to spend time with me, because everyone is so irritated with him. Im not sure whats wrong with him! He was completely pottytrained, hasn't had an accident in forever... And now all of this.. I know its probably because he is in a new place, and he is tired, but it still is SOO hard! I am so over the top upset, that I almost cried yesterday because Jaiden would not behave.
I feel like I have no control! And then my family sits here and critisises me for my parenting. I just know they are all talking about how bad of a mom I am, and how terrible my kids are. I love Jaiden. I really do, but some times I feel like I can't do this anymore. I feel like he desearves a better mom who knows how to deal with him.
But as I am typing this, he is getting into something in the bathroom, so I should go check that out.

The night lurker

Fri, 01 Jun 2007 04:51:29 GMT

So my son is three years old. Meaning he should be old enought to sleep in his own room. But for some reason this last week, he telling me he is "scared of the dark in his room" even though he has a night light brighter then the freakin sunrise! So here his is, laying down on the floor in my room, messing around with the computer chair... ERRR! I just don't get it. I don't want to sound like a bad mom.. But honestly, there is only so much of Jaiden I can take. And having him sleep right next to my bed... Seeing him the second I wake up... It just makes me crazy. Makes me more irritable at him, and just makes me want to pull out my hair. Bedtime is the ONLY time I ever get to myself.... The only time I don't have kids running around me. But now I have kids around me 100% of the time! 24/7, every waking and sleeping second.
I just want to cry I am so frusterated. Because even how much I don't like him sleeping in my room, I hate hearing him cry himself to sleep even worse. That just breaks my heart in two listening to him cry, and knowing Im not there to comfort him....
Because we are leaving for the coast in a day, I don't really see much use in trying to talk him into sleeping in his own room right now, because he will be with me the next two weeks anyways...
So thats my deal... Oh Good GOD!