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Preview: Andy Borowitz from Creators Syndicate

Andy Borowitz from Creators Syndicate

Creators Syndicate is an international syndication company that represents cartoonists and columnists of the highest caliber.

Last Build Date: Wed, 17 Jan 2018 17:16:24 -0800


Etch A Sketch 2 Takes Gadget World by Storm for 03/10/2011

Thu, 10 Mar 2011 21:00:00 -0800

LONG BEACH, CA (The Borowitz Report) — A new combatant entered the so-called tablet war today, and it's already getting a big thumbs-up from gadget aficionados: the Etch A Sketch 2.

The E2, as it's called, looks very similar to its predecessor, but in the words of the company spokesman who unveiled it at the TED conference in Long Beach, "This is not your father's Etch A Sketch."

Like the traditional Etch A Sketch, the E2 has many familiar features — red case, vertical and horizontal knob controls — but it is also tricked out with some decidedly 21st-century features, like wifi and a camera.

Updated: Thu Mar 10, 2011

Hu Presents Obama with Counterfeit DVD of "Toy Story 3" for 01/20/2011

Thu, 20 Jan 2011 21:00:00 -0800

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — In a moving White House ceremony today, President Hu Jintao of China presented U.S. President Barack Obama with a counterfeit DVD of the Hollywood blockbuster "Toy Story 3."

Hu raised eyebrows at several points during his official speech, especially when he repeatedly addressed the American people as "my subjects." But the Chinese president ended his speech on an upbeat note about the relationship between the two countries: "In conclusion, America owes me the first month's rent and the security deposit."

Speaking to the press, Hu noted the historic nature of his meeting with Obama: "It was the first time I'd met a Nobel Peace Prize winner who wasn't in prison." Obama told reporters that he hoped to speak to Hu about China's human rights record, but said, "To be honest, we've got as much leverage with China as a guy who's three months late on his car payments has with the repo man."

Updated: Thu Jan 20, 2011

U.S. Orders Diplomats To Stop Telling Truth Until Further Notice for 12/02/2010

Thu, 02 Dec 2010 21:00:00 -0800

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — In the first major policy fallout from the WikiLeaks disclosures, the State Department has ordered all U.S. diplomats to "cease and desist telling the truth until further notice."

__"We are working overtime to try to make sure that leaks like these don't happen again," Secretary of State Hillary Clinton told reporters. "But until we've got the leaks plugged, it's incumbent on all our diplomats to put on their lying caps."__

Clinton noted that since many U.S. diplomats are major political donors with long careers in the business world, "this shouldn't be a reach for them."__ But for those career diplomats who came up through the Foreign Service, the State Department will be holding a series of "truth avoidance seminars," led by executives of Goldman Sachs.

Updated: Thu Dec 02, 2010

Palin's Evolution into O'Donnell Proves Darwin was Wrong for 10/14/2010

Thu, 14 Oct 2010 21:00:00 -0700

OSLO, Norway (The Borowitz Report) — Two of the theory of evolution's most vociferous doubters, Sarah Palin and Christine O'Donnell, may be living proof that Darwin was wrong, leading scientists believe.

A conference of the most prominent evolutionary scientists in the world has concluded that the apparent evolution of Palin into O'Donnell suggests, in the words of Dr. Hiroshi Kyosuke of the University of Tokyo, "that Darwin got it backward."__

"We still believe that evolution is more than a theory and is, in fact, a very real thing," said Kyosuke. "However, in the case of Palin and O'Donnell, it seems to be moving in a reverse direction."__

Updated: Thu Oct 14, 2010

Poll: One out of Five Americans Do Not Believe Obama Exists for 08/26/2010

Thu, 26 Aug 2010 21:00:00 -0700

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — In what might be the most serious challenge to Barack Obama's legitimacy as president, a new poll shows that one out of five Americans is not convinced that Obama exists.

The poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota's Opinion Research Institute, reveals that 23 percent of those surveyed "strongly agreed" with the statement, "I believe that Barack Obama's birth was faked, just like the moon landing."__

The poll results coincide with the recent rise of the so-called "Exister" movement, a group that believes that Obama is an optical illusion created by the Democratic Party to raise taxes and bail out banks. __"The Birthers say that Obama's lack of a birth certificate means he was born in Kenya," says Jerrilene Rance, a leading Exister. "We believe it's proof that he was never born."__ Rance says that while President George W. Bush was criticized for disappearing every August, "Obama is never there to begin with."

Updated: Thu Aug 26, 2010

Experts Propose Plugging Oil Leak with BP Executives for 05/28/2010

Fri, 28 May 2010 21:00:00 -0700

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — At a conference of oil leak experts in Washington today, attendees proposed plugging the massive oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico with executives of BP, the company responsible for the catastrophic spill.

"We've tried containment domes, rubber tires and even golf balls," said William Cathermeyer of the National Oil Leakage Institute, a leading consultancy in the field of oil leaks. "Now it's time to shove some BP executives down there and hope for the best."__

Submerging the oil company executives thousands of feet below the ocean's surface could be a "win-win" situation, Cathermeyer said. "Best-case scenario, they plug the leak," he said. "And at the very least, they'll shut the fuck up."__

Updated: Fri May 28, 2010

Goldman CEO To Perform Community Service as Treasury Secretary for 04/23/2010

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 21:00:00 -0700

Updated: Fri Apr 23, 2010

Goldman CEO To Perform Community Service as Treasury Secretary for 04/23/2010

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 21:00:00 -0700

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) — In a settlement of the government's securities fraud case against Goldman Sachs, the bank's CEO, Lloyd Blankfein, has agreed to perform two years of community service as Treasury Secretary of the United States.

At a press conference in New York, Blankfein said that as Treasury Secretary he would "continue to do God's work as I did at Goldman, but at a significant pay cut."?? A Treasury Dept. spokesperson said that by performing community service as Treasury Secretary, Blankfein will be able to do less harm to the economy because he will have significantly less power than he had as chairman of Goldman.

His experience at Goldman, however, will be "invaluable" in his new role as Treasury Secretary, the spokesperson said: "Lloyd Blankfein's years of marketing worthless securities have prepared him for the important task of selling Treasuries to the Chinese."??

Updated: Fri Apr 23, 2010

GQ Recalls New Issue After Rielle Hunter Photo Spread Causes Nausea for 03/19/2010

Fri, 19 Mar 2010 21:00:00 -0700

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) — In a move that many in the magazine world called unprecedented, GQ today recalled the entire print run of its new issue after a photo spread featuring John Edwards' mistress, Rielle Hunter, was found to cause nausea and in some cases projectile vomiting.

"We at GQ want our readers to know that we are doing everything in our power to avert a public health catastrophe," said magazine spokesperson Carol Foyler. "And if that means tracking down every last copy of those Rielle Hunter pictures and destroying them, that's what we're going to do."

??As emergency rooms across the country overflowed with people who had unwittingly opened the latest GQ and seen the Hunter photos, fresh concerns were raised over the existence of a John Edwards-Rielle Hunter sex tape.

Updated: Fri Mar 19, 2010

Introducing the Hot New Social Network, PhoneBook for 02/12/2010

Fri, 12 Feb 2010 21:00:00 -0800

SILICON VALLEY (The Borowitz Report) — A new social network is about to alter the playing field of the social media world, and it's called PhoneBook.??

According to its creators, who invented the network in their dorm room at Berkeley, PhoneBook is the game-changer that will leave Facebook, Twitter and even the much anticipated Google Buzz in a cloud of dust.??

"With PhoneBook, you have a book that has a list of all your friends in the city, plus everyone else who lives there," says Danny Fruber, one of PhoneBook's creators. "When you want to chat with a friend, you look them up in PhoneBook, and find their unique PhoneBook number," Fruber explains. "Then you enter that number into your phone and it connects you directly to them."

Updated: Fri Feb 12, 2010

Department of Homeland Security Issues Terrorist ID Cards; Requires Application, $25 Fee for 01/01/2010

Fri, 01 Jan 2010 21:00:00 -0800

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — In the wake of the Christmas Day airline terror attempt, the Department of Homeland Security said it was instituting a bold new series of security measures, including issuing an official "proof of terrorism" ID card.

    "All potential terrorists must have the terrorist ID card in order to be barred from boarding," said Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano. "If you want to get on the no-fly list, you'll need a completed application and the $25 fee."

    Ms. Napolitano said that while the terror suspect's father had warned the U.S. about his son weeks before the incident, the Homeland Security Department was tightening rules in that area as well: "In the future, it will be necessary for a terrorist's mom and dad to warn us before we take it seriously."

Updated: Fri Jan 01, 2010

Markets Crash on Pictures of Obama Losing Shirt Shirtless President-Elect Creates Crisis of Confidence for 12/26/2008

Fri, 26 Dec 2008 21:00:00 -0800

Global markets swooned this week in reaction to photos showing that President-elect Barack Obama had lost his shirt.

The pictures depicting a shirtless Mr. Obama wandering about on a deserted stretch of beach stoked fears that the United States' financial woes were deeper than previously reported.

"We have had a steady drumbeat of bad news about the U.S. economy for weeks now," said Tracy Klugian, global asset analyst for HSBC. "Learning that the president-elect no longer has a shirt to his name was the last thing these markets needed."

Updated: Fri Dec 26, 2008

Caroline Kennedy Asks to be Time's Person of the Year Places Phone Call to Magazine's Editor for 12/19/2008

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 21:00:00 -0800

Caroline Kennedy would like to be considered Time magazine's Person of the Year for 2009 and has let the magazine's editor know of her interest in the honor, aides to Ms. Kennedy confirmed this week.

While some observers considered Ms. Kennedy's bid to be premature, especially since 2009 has not officially begun, aides to the New York senatorial aspirant said that it reflected her view that 2009 will be a very big year for her.

"I think Caroline's calling Time magazine and asking to be put on the cover shows just what a tireless worker she is," said cousin Kerry Kennedy. "When she really wants something, she's not afraid to roll up her sleeves and make a phone call."

Updated: Fri Dec 19, 2008

Angry Kucinich Reminds Obama He Was Rival Makes Hail Mary Bid for Postmaster General for 12/11/2008

Thu, 11 Dec 2008 21:00:00 -0800

As president-elect Barack Obama continues to assemble his "team of rivals" by filling Cabinet positions with former political opponents, he has drawn the ire of one self-styled rival who feels he has been unfairly overlooked: Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio).

Speaking to reporters in Washington today, a furious Mr. Kucinich said that it was "unfair and insane" for Mr. Obama to spurn him for a Cabinet post, saying, "I was as rivalish or more so than a lot of the so-called rivals he's chosen."

The Ohio Democrat served up this stern reminder to the rival-fancying president-elect: "In your inexorable rise to become president, let's not forget that the first body you climbed over was that of Dennis J. Kucinich."

Updated: Thu Dec 11, 2008

Obama's Use of Complete Sentences Stirs Controversy Stunning Break from Last Eight Years for 11/21/2008

Fri, 21 Nov 2008 21:00:00 -0800

In the first two weeks after the election, President-elect Barack Obama has broken with a tradition established over the last eight years through his controversial use of complete sentences, political observers say.

Millions of Americans who watched Mr. Obama's appearance on CBS's "Sixty Minutes" on Sunday witnessed the president-elect's unorthodox verbal tic, which had Mr. Obama employing grammatically correct sentences virtually every time he opened his mouth.

But Mr. Obama's decision to use complete sentences in his public pronouncements carries with it certain risks, since after the last eight years many Americans may find his odd speaking style jarring.

Updated: Fri Nov 21, 2008

Failure to Blow Election Stuns Democratic Party Faithful Mourn End to Losing Tradition for 11/07/2008

Fri, 07 Nov 2008 21:00:00 -0800

Just minutes after their party's longstanding losing tradition lay in tatters on the ground, millions of shell-shocked Democrats stared at their television screens in disbelief, asking themselves what went right.

For Democrats, who have become accustomed to their party blowing an election even when it seemed like a sure thing, Tuesday night's results were a bitter pill to swallow. The head-shaking and finger-pointing over the demise of the Democrats' losing streak, which many of the party faithful had worn like a badge of honor, reached all the way to the upper echelons of the Democratic National Committee.

"Believe me, I'm as shocked by these results as anybody," said DNC chief Howard Dean, who indicated he has received hundreds of calls from incredulous party members. "We did everything in our power to screw this thing up."

Updated: Fri Nov 07, 2008

Palin Blasts Obama's Ties to Weather Channel for 10/10/2008

Fri, 10 Oct 2008 21:00:00 -0700

"Palling Around with Meteorologists," Guv Claims

Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin went on the attack today, claiming that Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama has longstanding ties to The Weather Channel.

Updated: Fri Oct 10, 2008

McCain Replaces Palin with Startled Deer for 10/03/2008

Fri, 03 Oct 2008 21:00:00 -0700

Hoofed Running Mate Could Be Game-Changer

With less than a week to go before the crucial vice-presidential debate, GOP presidential nominee John McCain announced today that he was replacing his running mate, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, with a startled deer.

Updated: Fri Oct 03, 2008

Poll: Obama Faring Poorly Among Racists for 09/05/2008

Fri, 05 Sep 2008 21:00:00 -0700

Bigots Oppose Barack by 1,000-to-1 Margin

In a potentially ominous sign for the Democratic nominee, a new poll shows Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) trailing far behind GOP standard bearer Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) among voters who identify themselves as racists.

Updated: Fri Sep 05, 2008

Britney, Paris Air Savage Anti-McCain Ad for 08/08/2008

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 21:00:00 -0700

Just days after Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) broadcast an anti-Obama ad in which he compared the presumptive Democratic nominee to celebrities Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, the two tabloid mainstays fought back with an eviscerating anti-McCain spot of their own.

While Spears and Hilton said they had planned to remain on the sidelines during the 2008 presidential campaign, Sen. McCain's negative ad "left us no choice," but to respond to the candidate's attack, the notorious party gals said today.

"We don't mind John McCain going after us if he sticks to the facts," Ms. Spears said at a New York press conference. "But we are sick of the distortions about our record."

Updated: Fri Aug 08, 2008