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Preview: I'm an old married woman.

I'm an old married woman.

I'm really not, I just feel like it sometimes...

Updated: 2016-11-23T01:51:11.548-06:00


parenting quandary


so my friend posted this article on facebook tonight, and as someone who has found great success with the Babywise method for getting your kids to sleep through the night very early on, I was a little concerned as I read it. Especially when it also referred to this other article which references lots of research which seems to show that letting your child cry will inflict irreparable psychological damage on them.

It's not like I've ever left my kids for hours on end while they screamed at the top of their lungs for comfort. I think between the two of them I have let them "cry it out" less than 10 times total, only at nap/bedtime, never for more than about 15-20 minutes without checking on and comforting them, and they've never cried longer than 45 minutes total before falling asleep. Both were sleeping 7-8hrs/night by the time they were 8wks old, and we've never had a problem since. They both seem to be handling stressful situations well these days, and I'm not anticipating any negative outcomes in the future based on actions taken when they were newborns.

I'll admit, the articles freaked me out a little bit as I started reading them, I got anxious at the beginning of each of them - obviously, if science says it's bad, then what if I'm messing up my kids, even if it works? Or what happens if we end up having a baby one day who isn't so easy going about sleep? But then I calmed down, read each article slowly, thoughtfully, and came to the following conclusions:

1. Even with science to back you up - the frequency with which parenting recommendations and practices change is ridiculous; just like in dieting/nutrition or any other arena that involves a propensity towards strong opinions and fads.

2. One of the scholars that the Yahoo! article quotes from frequently seems inherently biased in the matter, considering that she herself "shows signs of undercare". I read her quotes with a pretty negative air toward the idea of letting children cry in general, even before she provided her personal background. Also, I don't know much about Dr. Sears, but by a quick look through his website, he would seem to be a big proponent of Attachment Parenting, which is often portrayed as the antithesis of Babywise or "cry it out"

3. Neither article clearly defines what is considered "too long" for a child to cry. "Excessive crying" is mentioned excessively, but there is not a single attempt at saying what is excessive. There are frequent references to "crying it out" in the Yahoo! article, but the Ask Dr. Sears article sounds like it's referring more to neglectful treatment of a child, leaving him/her alone for hours on end or ignoring any expressed needs to the point of cruelty, which is most definitely not suggested by adherents of "cry it out" or Babywise. This article did conclude "that caregivers should answer cries swiftly, consistently, and comprehensively," which sounds like crying it out would not be an option, but that doesn't actually go against Babywise philosophy; of COURSE you're supposed to check on your kids if they're crying. Make sure they don't need a diaper, or some food, or are in pain in some way, but if they're ok, then they're ok to be left to themselves for a little bit.

So I think my final analysis is this: I'll stick with what I know and what has worked, but I'm not above altering it or trying something new if what has worked stops working. I'm curious, tho, what other parents think. If you have time to read the articles and comment, I would really appreciate it.

cuteness times 3


How was it that I posted 2 days after Naomi's birthday and didn't mention it? Well, let's just fix that now.Naomi turned 1 on 9/10/11. I still feel a little bad that we didn't go crazy all out and invite half the city like we did for Josephine, but knowing what a stressful experience that would have been, I'm getting over it.We just did family and a few friends who are pretty close to the girls, who've done a lot of babysitting or who just love them (and us) to bits. It was mostly just for cake and ice cream and presents, and she got plenty of cute and fun things, but obviously the best part is the pictures of a 1yr old demolishing a birthday cake, so here we go:BeforeDuringAfterTake that, cake!Update #2 comes in the form of Halloween, and fun times had with that. Josephine tried on her costume close to a month ahead of time to see if it would fit, and then was unwilling to wait until Halloween to wear it again. So she ended up wearing it around the house a few times, which was fine, because I figure that the more use we can get out of it, the better! Plus, it was a bit big on her, which hopefully means we have a costume for next year as well. Here are some pictures! For clarification, Josephine was a fairy of some sort with wings and a wand, and Naomi was Princess Leia, circa Episode 4.And then the final big deal around here has been that Josephine has once again upgraded her sleeping arrangement. We got ourselves a bunk bed from a gal who works with Seth's sister in-law, pretty sweet deal. We just had to get ourselves a mattress (a 2nd one will come eventually), which took about a week after Seth got the beds set up in the girls' room. Needless to say, there was much anticipation, and once the mattress was actually delivered, Seth and Jo headed out to pick it up, and she got to pick out her very own sheets to go with it. The end result has been one very excited girlie (make that two very excited girlies) who really loves bed time these days.[...]

definitely growing up


I know it's just part of life - those times when you look at your kid and realize that they've gotten so much bigger without you really noticing. It's unsettling at times, but it's just how it works. Today Josephine decided for both naptime and bedtime that she would get her own pullup, and so she did, just walked over to the dresser, opened the top drawer and grabbed one. She had to decide which design she liked best, and went for the castle, because "it's cute".

I wasn't watching her at naptime, so I was a little surprised when she came back to me with pullup in hand - she's been able to look into the top drawer, but I didn't think she was tall enough to actually reach in and grab anything. And then tonight I watched her walk right over, open it up, look in while just barely tip-toeing, and do her thing. It was not so startling, I had noticed earlier today that her striped dress seemed just a bit shorter on her than I was used to seeing it, but still, it was kind of confirming my suspicions that she just keeps getting bigger. 

The other thing that I noticed today is how helpful she is getting. She's been responsive to me asking for her to do small stuff - bring Naomi's sippy to me, take this to the laundry, etc, but often needed a little bit of help. Tonight she picked up all the books that Naomi daily enjoys pulling down off their bookshelf. I grabbed Naomi to brush her teeth and asked Jo to get the books. She did ask several times for help, but I kept encouraging her to just do her best. I walked back into the bedroom to a clear floor where the pile of books had been, and Josephine was even going across the room to pick up other books that were left out. She's pretty wonderful, this girl of ours...



looking through some of my old drafts of posts that didn't quite get finished, this was one from last summer that I really liked, so I just decided to finish it and post it, so that's why I'm talking about being pregnant - it's not an update, it's just really old new thoughts are Bolded, like this right here.we were at housechurch last night, and there was a really good verse shared with regard to communion, Phillipians 3:4-11 -4 Yet I could have confidence in myself if anyone could. If others have reason for confidence in their own efforts, I have even more! 5 For I was circumcised when I was eight days old, having been born into a pure-blooded Jewish family that is a branch of the tribe of Benjamin. So I am a real Jew if there ever was one! What's more, I was a member of the Pharisees, who demand the strictest obedience to the Jewish law. 6 And zealous? Yes, in fact, I harshly persecuted the church. And I obeyed the Jewish law so carefully that I was never accused of any fault. 7 I once thought all these things were so very important, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done. 8 Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the priceless gain of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I may have Christ 9 and become one with him. I no longer count on my own goodness or my ability to obey God's law, but I trust Christ to save me. For God's way of making us right with himself depends on faith. 10 As a result, I can really know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I can learn what it means to suffer with him, sharing in his death, 11 so that, somehow, I can experience the resurrection from the dead!The challenge was given to lay down whatever type of identity or reasoning we have to be proud of ourselves or assured of salvation outside of Jesus, to be identified only with Christ. It made me think of how I've been identifying myself lately. The obvious answer is as a pregnant woman, a mother to-be. I've found that the title brings with it a certain stature, almost an innate right to certain things. I'm carrying a child, therefore I should be pampered, I shouldn't be allowed to carry heavy things, to exert myself too much. I shouldn't be expected to do the same things I used to before being pregnant. There are some who have treated me as if I were made of glass, or similarly very fragile. While yes, there are certain aspects of pregnancy that require additional care in how one handles oneself, in a lot of ways, I'm just as capable and just as able to do most of what I could before. It used to bother me that Seth wouldn't let me shovel the snow. Then I tried it, just once. And I think there's a part of me that really needs to be careful about the sleep I'm getting or the food I'm eating, but I have also noticed that I'm sort of buying into the entitlement of pregnancy in some ways, too. I've seen in certain areas where I've used it to not try as hard get things done, or to maybe beg off of things I wasn't crazy about doing, even when I probably could have. As much as I joke with friends and my husband about using the baby as an excuse to do or not do certain things, I really didn't actually want to use pregnancy as an excuse to get out of anything, ministry or otherwise...and yet it's happened, here and there. And it doesn't make me very proud to see it or admit it.Being a mother has a certain status and expectation that comes with it, especially at the Rock. By no means am I trying to belittle that status or the importance of the role. I really believe that to an extent mothers (especially the new ones) probably need more grace and support than many other groups of people might need. I'm finding that out pretty much daily for myself. But I don't want to go around expecting that people will do things for me, will serve me, will care for me. It's such a blessing when they do, and there's something that sours in me [...]

potty training!!


This past Saturday we took the leap from occasionally sitting on the potty chair or toilet for fun (or an attempt at playing video games) to seriously working on making it a way of life.

After thinking about it for at least a month, I finally made the decision I think on Thursday of last week, when we were at Target and I decided to get some "prizes" and treats to help with the project, and also made a pretty big deal of getting underwear for Jo. She helped pick them out, and from then on was talking just about nonstop about her "undies".  We talked it up for the next couple of days, how she was going to learn how to use the potty chair and wear undies, and she was definitely interested. I had read The Potty Boot Camp: Basic Training For Toddlers by Suzanne Riffel and mostly followed her program, with a few other ideas I tossed in from other sources I've looked at along the way.

So Saturday morning started and, not for the first time in the last 2+ years, I was so thankful for the disposition that God has given my Josephine, she is very easy to work with, is quite patient and very compliant. I explained the situation and she took it all in cheerfully, I know she especially liked the idea of getting juice and pretzels all day long. No horror stories to report, she had 5 accidents in 5 hours, she cleaned all of them up by herself and withstood the cold bath water to clean herself and her soiled pants (mostly) on her own, she actually thought the drills of going to the potty chair, pulling down pants, sitting down, pulling pants back up to practice the process over and over were fun (the idea is that it gets really tedious and helps dissuade your kid from having an accident and thus incurring more drills), she maybe got tired of them at the very end of the day when she was just tired in general. She had no problem sitting on the chair and reading for 5-10min at a time which, according to Riffel, could be where bribes and cajoling could be quite necessary. She got through the afternoon and evening with only one more accident and actually deciding by herself that she needed to go, and she went!

In the days following, we've had lots of false alarms, she'll sit on the potty to pass gas, and we've had accidents on our hardwood, outside on the sidewalk, and on a bench at Grandad's work today (happy birthday, Dad!), but it's been very encouraging. I'm glad that the process is at least started, I was getting so tired of hauling her 35+lbs up and down from the changing table, and all those diapers! It'll probably save us $40-$60/month in diaper costs. We're still using Pullups for nap and bedtime, but hopefully that won't be for too long. She's been dry waking up from naps at least twice now, I think she's really getting the hang of it all.

I am seriously considering that we'll start this with Naomi by the time she's 18months. Right now she's working on pulling herself up on things, taking a couple steps with a lot of help, and turning 1; but the clock's ticking, and Mama likes the idea of 2 potty trained girls...

makes a mama proud


Each of the girls had a pretty big moment today, just thought I'd share...

I've been periodically checking Naomi's mouth for any signs of teeth, I've been suspicious that she's been teething for a little bit now, what with all the chewing on anything available and all. I was playing with her today and noticed that I could see a little something on her bottom gums. After trying to get a steady look and feeling around with my finger, I think I can confirm that there are two teeth just waiting to pop on out!

Josephine's big moment came at dinner tonight, I was busy trying to get sweet potatoes into Naomi and noticed that Josephine was singing a song. As I listened, I started to understand what she was singing and caught the end of "Jesus Loves Me". So we sang it a few times and I was absolutely in love.

And then, to top off the evening, as I picked up Naomi to get ready for bed, I noticed that she had a little explosion out the backside of her diaper. No big deal, it happens. As I got her upstairs I noticed that it didn't just come out the top of the diaper, but down her legs, onto my shirt, on my hand....that's when I decided the bathtub was going to be the best place to change her diaper. It was an impressive feat, rivaled only by the time Josephine  blew out onto Seth's leg when she was only a few weeks old, and ended up being bathed in our friends' bathroom sink. Today was a totally noteworthy day in the Rosenzweig household.

My Helpful Girl


Josephine has been at the age for awhile now where she likes to be involved and help do stuff around the house. Her favorite thing for awhile has been helping me unload the dishwasher. Then at Faithwalkers she was seen "cleaning up" with a burp cloth, wiping various spots on the auditorium floor. She has also started helping "wash" the dishes too, which coincides with her newfound love of our step stool. She'll happily move the dishes from one sink to the next as quickly as she can while I try to rinse things off and keep her from sipping grimy water from dishes left to soak or generally splashing water everywhere. I'm fairly unsuccessful, but it's only water, right?

Last week she came up with a new way in which to help out mama. She saw me sit down with a bowl of rice cereal for Naomi and instantly wanted in. We're slowly getting Naomi onto solid food, she's not taking to it nearly as quickly as Josephine did, but she's getting there. So I sat Jo on my lap, told her I would hold on to her hand while she fed her sister, and hilarity ensued.

I tend to try keeping things clean while feeding the baby, but you know, we're not all as well practiced with our gross motor skills.

My method with Naomi has been to wait for her mouth to be open with no obstructions in order to successfully get food into it - Josephine apparently sees no need for such strategy.

Toward the end, I think Naomi decided to start helping to get the food into her mouth too.



because it's been a whole month since I mentioned anything about my girls, here's the update:
Naomi is still smiley and sweet and likes to play with toys she can grab. She just had her 4 month appointment and is doing great, except for sharing her sister's propensity towards ear infections. Boo. She's got the ok to start on the solid foods, but I don't know if I'm quite ready for that yet.

Josephine got lots of fun things for Christmas that she *loves* to play with - fake food, and a cart to wheel it all around in, a non-name brand MagnaDoodle (just don't know what else to call it), a backpack that she likes to carry around but doesn't think about unless we give it to her, a Leapfrog laptop that says her name, sings her songs, and sends her emails, and a Winnie the Pooh doll that's almost the size of her. I started to understand this year about how parents can easily go overboard buying gifts for their kids. It's so much fun to see her play, and there are a lot of things that I know she would really enjoy or would help her learn things. Every time we go to Target now, I easily find things I would like to buy for her. This is actually a heart (and wallet) check for me, since the last time we went to Target we came home with 2 new things for Jo that she didn't actually need, but REALLY likes. Bubble bath that she is pretty crazy about, and a CD set that includes songs from The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh, and also a story. We've listened to it upwards of a dozen times in the last couple of days (including right now!)

Also in Jo news, she is enjoying music in general more than ever, she'll even sing along for bits that she knows for songs like Twinkle Twinkle and her ABCs. She is also getting pretty good at counting to 3 and starting to identify her colors. We are talking just a little bit about using the potty and possible toilet training. She's interested, but I'm pretty sure we're not quite there yet. I've been kind of hoping she'd be ready by her birthday, but I'm learning it's really ok to wait.

Finally, we have new words just about every day. Last I heard, between 18-24 months kids will pick up about 10 words a day - how's that for a reminder to watch what you say around them? Latest ones include "Jesus" and "Zombies". The former is from listening to our Pandora station of Christian music for kids, and the latter is from Seth and my affinity for our Plants vs Zombies game, which Josephine loves to watch. It used to be that any time she got near the laptop we would hear "pooh" as her request to watch the Winnie the Pooh movie, now Pooh has to share time with "zombies" when she thinks it's time for someone to play. Still not sure if it's funny and cute that she knows about zombies, or it's a frightening look into how mom and dad are spending their time these days...

Anyway, that's all. As soon as I get around to putting pictures from Christmas and later on the computer, I'll post some here.

women and the bible, pt.1


I came across a blog last night that I found interesting, one entry in particular. I didn't check the date of the entry, but not too long ago the author had posted about women and religion. He mentioned Mary Magdalene, how she was a disciple of Christ, but not good enough to be one of the 12, and how just about every religion known to man is patriarchal, unfair to women, and at least a little bit misogynistic. I know on its face, these allegations are generally accepted to be true. I can think of women wearing burkas, men allowed to beat their wives and daughters for even minor offences, Eve was given the dubious honor of bringing sin into the world when she listened to the snake, Delilah stripped Sampson of his famed power, Jezebel is synonymous with wickedness in women, and the list goes on.I had to stop and think about this for a minute, because I would probably agree with his argument in some ways. I know the perception of women's roles in the world, particularly in Christianity, but I also know that God loves and treasures women just as much as men. I can't speak for other religions, but I think that the Bible at least has gotten something of a bad rap when it comes to how women are portrayed. Mind you, the sinful, "pagan" women are pretty bad, Herodias asked for the head of John the Baptist and had him killed, Mical ridiculed King David and became barren because of it, Solomon's wives and concubines drew him into idolatry and away from God, etc. But they didn't fear or follow God, you couldn't expect much from them. The men of God, however were also shown to be sinful, fallen creatures: Noah was a drunk, Moses was scared and didn't want to talk to Pharoah alone. His anger and disobedience also kept him out of the Promised Land. David was an adulterer and murderer. Peter denied Jesus 3 times, and the disciples in general had a hard time understanding and believing in Jesus, even when he lived and worked with them for 3 years. But when you read about the godly women in the Bible, you get a whole different story. Esther singlehandedly saved all the Jews in Persia, Mary submitted to God in what was maybe the hardest thing to believe ever - the Holy Spirit is going to make you pregnant and you'll be mother to the Son of God. Deborah judged Israel and led them into a huge military victory - at the request (and to the shame) of the male leaders of her time. Ruth refused to leave her mother in-law and followed her to find a new husband and a new home and a place in the lineage of Jesus. Rahab was a prostitute who also became Jesus' ancestor because of her heroic acts. Of all these women, the only negative information you read about them is that one was a prostitute. And also maybe that Sarah laughed at the idea that God might make her pregnant at 90. But she went along with it in the end, and she also has a place of honor.These were strong women. They did amazing things in the face of frightening circumstances. These are women to look up to, to try to emulate. I doubt they'd really count as feminists, tho, so that might be why no one really pays that much attention. These were women who submitted, and in doing so found strength, which most people think is impossible. They feared God, which led them to honor and fame. Not always in their lifetimes, but God made sure that they are remembered. No doubt they were just as human as the rest of us; I'm sure Ruth and Boaz disagreed about a few things after they got married, Deborah might have been kind of bossy as a judge, but none of those things is recorded. These women get nothing but good press, there's no way you can tell me that God did not consider them very precious, just as precious as he considers me and every other woman he has handcrafted. [...]

slow down


I've been trying to listen to more messages during the day, from Faithwalkers, from the Rock, whatever, just to keep my head in the Bible and encouraged during the day. One set of messages is from a Motherhood conference that Kathleen Nelson has done a few times. She mentions one thing in particular more than once, and it's stuck in my head, and made a big difference in how situations get handled around our house. I have been meaning to post about this for awhile, so if I'm not exact in my recollection of the messages, I do apologize. She mentions that if her kids are having trouble or if she's getting frustrated at them, that is her cue to "slow the machine down" and work with her kids on whatever the issue is.

This is priceless advice when dealing with a 22 month old little girl. There are plenty of things that she knows how to do, but there have been times when I can overestimate her ability to comprehend what I'm asking or even her ability just to accomplish a task. Then there's her 22 month old attention span, which isn't impressive in the least. There's also plenty of times when I'm busy trying to do something myself and I need to slow down to make sure that I'm paying attention to what's going on in general.

A lot of times, just by either going to her or calling her to my side, getting down to her level and making sure she looks in my eyes, and talking to her slowly in words I know she knows, I've seen a big difference in how she complies. For bigger tasks I usually have to continue slowly and patiently to remind and prompt her to be able to complete what I've asked (putting away toys or books usually take more time than I'd like, it's very tempting to just finish the job for her). It's nonetheless encouraging to see the change. It's especially helpful in public when training/discipline isn't an option. Just slowing things down usually results in obedience in those situations, even if it has to be repeated often at times.

whispered secrets


Awhile back, I had started whispering in Josephine's ear as part of our bedtime routine, usually "I love you." We both like it, so I'll just do it time to time throughout the day for fun.

The other day I was changing Naomi's diaper, and Josephine was at her normal post on the arm of the recliner right next to the changing table. She likes to stand at Naomi's head and talk to her, touch her, poke at her, whatever.

She had been just a little whiny and clingy, and she had leaned over to rest her head on my arm. I gave her a hug and leaned over to whisper "I love you" into her ear. I went back to changing Naomi's diaper. Next thing I know, Josephine leaned over to Naomi and whispered "Iyuvyou" into the side of her head.

It was only the sweetest thing I have seen from her yet.

smarter than you think...


I'm guessing every parent has these moments. The moments when you figure out your kid is catching on faster than you gave them credit for. There are also the moments you find your child is craftier and more clever than previously thought. This happens more than I'd like to admit in our house.

Today was such a day. Josephine has one of those toys with 4 animals under flippy doors and you have to push a button or turn a key to get the animal to pop out of its door. This is the first toy like this that I've seen that makes sounds and plays music when the animals pop out. Our toy is from a garage sale, and I've noticed that it's kind of finicky when it comes to playing the music; lately it hasn't really felt like it. Josephine has apparently noticed this as well, because today when she was playing with it, she brought it over to me and started trying to turn it over. I couldn't quite figure out what she was up to, but I helped her turn it upside down, and she proceeded to point to the battery door on the bottom of the toy. I'm guessing somewhere along the line she's seen me put new batteries into something, but the fact that she knew where they go, and why they go into her toy absolutely floored me.

Not too long after that, she brought her snow boots over to me to help her put them on. Just the other day she was tromping thru the house in her rain boots, so I thought she just wanted to play in them. As soon as they were on, she pointed out the window and said "outside!" I totally fell for it, and rewarded her clever cuteness with a (short!) trip outside into the mid-teens temperatures.

Just to make sure her big sister didn't get all the good stories in today, my heart melted this afternoon to hear Naomi's very first giggle!



It's been almost a year since I posted here. Good thing I only have 3 followers. I've been contemplating for weeks if I want to continue blogging, having kids at the particular ages that they are doesn't exactly allow much time for deep thinking, much less transmitting those thoughts anywhere, which was the original idea behind this blog. I actually have been thinking deeply about parenthood these days, which sparked my thoughts on blogging, but again; no time. Also, discussing these things with my husband as it relates to our family trumps posting for people who may or may not check and/or care to know what I'm thinking.Today I happen to find myself sitting on the couch with a 10-week old baby on my chest, which is keeping me from my original project that I was planning for naptime (yes, I could move her, but I don't get to do this often, and I know it won't be available to me for that much longer). So I was thinking for now, that this would become one of those family update blogs. That way I could sell it to the grandparents and others as a way to keep up on the girls and also maybe stay in practice just in case I have a chance to think and post on something a little more serious. Also, I get to brag on my babies, of whom I am extremely fond.So I'll start with the biggest news of the last 10 1/2 weeks:Naomi Linda Rosenzweig was born on September 10, 2010 at 6:32am. She weighed 7lbs, 15oz and was 20 in. long. After having contractions on and off for a couple days that got progressively stronger, labor finally started shortly before 4am on the 10th. I endured them on my own for about 1/2 hour before waking Seth up to start getting ready to go to the hospital. By the time we got Josephine dropped off and got to the hospital, I could barely stand the pain. I remember looking at the clock when I was all checked in and they were starting IVs, and it was just about 6am. My doctor was on the way and I was already dilated to about 8 or 9. I was really hoping for pain meds, but we never quite got that far. My doc walked in the door as I was getting ready to push, and it couldn't have been more than 10 minutes and I think 3 pushes later that Naomi was born. We expected her to come quicker than Josephine did, but we were thinking it would be a little longer than 2 1/2 hours! I think this means that next time I'm going to the hospital as soon as labor starts.Since then, life got way busier. My mom and father in-law visited for a week to help out, and it was wonderful. I threatened my mom that I was going to lock her in the basement so she couldn't go home; I think she would have been ok with it. Josephine loves her baby sister, which is amazing nd fabulous, the only thing I worry about is her smothering the baby with kisses. Literally, it's almost happened.Both girls are great. Jo is just shy of 20 months old, and smarter than I am sometimes comfortable with; she's picking up words and abilities right and left. Naomi is sweet and smiley and as of this week has started sleeping about 10-13hrs at night, which only increases her preciousness. She loves her big sister and is usually most smiley when Jo is waving her hands at her or trying to poke her in the face. There are stories to tell daily and pictures quite often, let's see if I can keep up with this, along with the craziness that is often our daily life...[...]

small group tonight


it's been awhile since I came up with a small group lesson, and I actually liked this one. It was less of a lesson than a short talk, and it seemed to work really well; it generated a bit of discussion with our all women's time tonight as one of the 3 topics that we touched on.The topic for the whole evening was our identity in Christ. We split it into 3 "mini talks" given by 3 of the small group leaders. My topic was that we are forgiven. Since I've been thinking about posting more often, I thought this might be a good reason to start, so here's my talk that I put together:Feeling condemned and unforgiven is actually something I’ve struggled with as recently as our last small group meeting. I’ve seen in myself a pattern for years now – I feel really bad about what I’ve been doing, or not doing, I end up feeling defeated and disgusted with myself, and then I determine to do better. I do better for awhile, then I’ll typically get busy or distracted by something and let go of whatever I’ve been working on, and then one day I’ll stop and think about how far I’ve fallen from where I should be – again.My personal struggles usually center on me being lazy. I used to like to say it was my phlegmatic, easy going personality, but it’s really just laziness; I don’t want to do anything that I don’t like doing. I have to work hard to cultivate self discipline and self motivation, and I can rarely maintain it for more than a couple weeks at a time. I’ve been working on it for years, and I think I can say that I’ve made at least a little progress, but overall, it doesn’t ever feel like it’s all that much, compared with how far I still have to go. It’s easy for me to imagine sometimes that God is constantly annoyed with me, disappointed with all my yo-yoing back and forth, just like I am. It’s also easy to think that God will be less likely to listen or answer my prayers because I don’t deserve it. I believe that he expects more from me, especially as someone who’s been a Christian all my life, and really, truly knows better. When I was younger, I actually wondered from time to time when it was all going to be enough and God would give up on me and cut me off. The truth of our identity in Christ is that as a result of Christ’s death, God brings us into his presence and we are holy and blameless as we stand before him without a single fault. We’ve been forgiven forever. Hebrews 9:28 says that Christ died once for all time, and a little later chapter 10 says that when sins have been forgiven, there’s no need to offer any more sacrifices. All over the New Testament, we’re told that God saved and forgave us because of his incredible, incomparable grace and kindness. He’s done it because of who he is, and who he is doesn’t change. God will never be any less kind or full of grace and love toward us, so there is nothing that can change what has happened, that Jesus’ blood has paid for all of our sins and we are forgiven.Because we’ve been forgiven, Hebrews says that we can come boldly to God’s throne and ask for his mercy and grace when we need it. We don’t have to be scared or think that we’re not worthy to approach God and ask for anything, he’s made it so that we have almost the same standing with him that Jesus does. In fact, when he looks at us, it’s like he’s looking at Jesus. It makes me think of when I was a kid; there were these secret messages that would be on cereal boxes sometimes. If you looked at it just plain you’d see a box with a bunch of red and blue spots. It was kind of a mess; you couldn’t see anything that made any sense. But it would come with this transparent red slip of plastic that you could put [...]

scooter baby!


after trying unsuccessfully to post this video on facebook, I'm trying my long forgotten blog...this is Josephine showing off how mobile she is now. It's not crawling, but it is cute!

maybe this will be a start for new posts! Maybe don't count on it, since I only get to the library about once a week to check emails and try to be productive...

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where to begin?


Unless you're really bad at math, or figure that 48 weeks pregnant would be normal, or if you have no connection to me on Facebook or in person, then you've figured out that I am now officially a mom. There's really a lot that goes into that, kind of too much just to sum up in a few lines. Or even a lot of lines, for that matter.I was creating a post to tell the story of labor and delivery which may or may not ever get finished. Suffice it to say, it wasn't anywhere near as awful or long as I was expecting it to be, even tho part of that I feel like I cheated by getting an epidural pretty much as soon as I got admitted, but if I hadn't then I wouldn't have slept and things would probably not have gone anywhere near as well as they had. And the end result is the important part - Josephine Rachael came into the world at 9:42am on March 19. That seems like forever ago, even tho 8 weeks isn't really all that long when you think about it.There are parts of me that really don't have much of a reaction to being a mom. Yeah, everything's different, but it's not like it's so amazingly better or worse, it just is. There are parts that are fantastic, like getting to hold my baby and just sit quietly, breathing in her smell and listening to her breathe. There are amazing parts when she smiles and almost giggles and I can't help but fall in love all over again. There are parts that are awful, like when she poops or spits up on 3 outfits in a row. There are parts that are frustrating, like feeling like a burden when you have to stop everything you were doing with friends in order to change a diaper or feed the baby, but the bad parts are more than evened out by the good.I feel like we're somewhere in the sweet spot - she's pretty much sleeping through the night (about 7hours at a shot, probably longer if I wasn't so worried about making sure she eats enough), she's learned how to smile and is just starting to gurgle and coo, she's really content for the most part, she doesn't spit up as much as she used to, and she's nowhere near old enough to be naughty just yet. That will probably start earlier than I'm expecting it, so I'd better enjoy this stage while it lasts.It still seems a little odd sometimes that she's mine (ours). I'm (we're) responsible for her. Apparently it's ok because we haven't broken her or messed her up too badly yet.Apart from the baby (but still very connected) we're both unemployed right now, so if anyone has any jobs or even leads, just go ahead and let us know. We were all set to have me stay home when Josephine was born, and then at the end of February, Seth lost his job. Definitely not ideal, but it gave me enough time to rearrange plans at work, instead of taking 6 weeks leave and then quitting, I took 12 weeks and was preparing myself to go back to work if necessary. And then at the end of April, I lost my job. That sucked. Well, sort of. I still sort of teeter back and forth between thinking that it's totally God's way of letting us know that I really should be staying home and that's just that, and wondering how the crap this is all going to work out. I'm officially looking for a job, my standards are way lower than Seth's - I just need something that will pay the bills and bring in money until Seth finds the job that will actually support our family and allow me to quit and stay at home again.There are so many crazy things going on right now in the big picture that I can't deny God's hand in it all. I just couldn't tell you where it's all leading, because we can't see that far ahead just now. Seth's had so many leads fall through, jobs that we thought would be perfect for him. He's working so hard to [...]

No one tells you these things


There's a lot of information out there about being pregnant. Tons. What happens, the changes to your body, emotions, all of it. And yet, somehow, there seems to be quite a bit that isn't included. The other side of that is that sometimes information is so vague that it is not helpful. Like you could possibly have symptom XYZ during your pregnancy, and that's normal. Or you could not have that symptom, and that's normal too. I haven't worried a ton about any of that because the books and doctors are pretty specific about what isn't normal and isn't good, and those lists don't seem to change, so I have a pretty good grasp about what I really need to be concerned about. The rest of it is probably normal to some degree, I seriously doubt that I will be discovering some previously unknown symptom or risk factor that could put my baby or pregnancy in jeopardy.I truthfully haven't dealt with a lot of the typical pregnancy issues - I never puked during the 1st trimester, the nausea wasn't really all that severe, I rarely have heartburn problems, my back hurt for awhile but a few trips to the chiropractor had that pretty much fixed. I have started to get very tiny stretch marks, but they're really just adding on to some that have been there forever. so that's no big deal. I did have my first emotional breakdown last week, so that was fun. About the worst, most consistent issue that I've dealt with has been stuffy and bloody noses (actual pregnancy symptom!), and that's just more gross than anything. So I really have had nothing much to complain about, for which I am thankful.Then a few weeks back, I started noticing what felt like the baby trying to kick my ribs out from the inside. That's not pleasant, but generally pretty short lived. A couple weeks ago, that feeling stopped, but I started having SEVERE pains in that same area, right about where my ribs curve around and head toward by spine. It usually stemmed from any sort of physical contact in that area. I couldn't tell if it was my ribs (I have found out that your baby can bruise you internally) or if it was my skin, it sorta felt like both, depending on the exact situation. I'd never heard of such a pain, it hasn't been mentioned in anything I've read. I mentioned it to my chiropractor and she thought it might be the muscles between my ribs, so she had a little thing she did to work on that, and it helped some, but I still can hardly stand sometimes to have anything touching that area, which isn't super convenient, since that's pretty much where my bra sits, and there's not a lot of room in there if I slouch even a little bit when I'm sitting down.So at my doctor's appointment yesterday I mentioned it to her, and she didn't seem all that surprised. Yep, it's my skin. More specifically, it's the fascia (this link has some pretty cool info) of my torso, the stuff that kind of keeps everything together - stretching out and becoming thinner, because everything's expanding up in that region. So there's nothing I can do, no relief that she offered, I just have to deal with it because it's going to keep getting stretched out until the baby comes. yaaaay, six more weeks....It's not that knowing this ahead of time would have changed my mind about being pregnant, and it's not like it was freaking me out to have it happening and not know what all was causing it, it just would be nice with all the volumes of information available on pregnancy and everything that happens, if they would maybe mention that too. It kind of would be nicer if there was a way to treat it, but whatever.[...]

So Excited


Hey look, a post that isn't actually related to me being pregnant right now!

I feel a little juvenile about this, but I'm really excited about a movie that's coming out in a couple weeks. It's called Coraline, it's based off a book by my favorite author, Neil Gaiman. I'm pretty sure it's just a kid's book, at most it's a Young Adult book, which might explain why I feel a little juvenile about my excitement.

The book is fantastic tho. Actually, I haven't read it yet, but I borrowed the audiobook from the Library. For a Neil Gaiman book this is at least as good, if not better than reading the book itself. The audiobooks are all unabridged. He reads his books himself and he's got a fantastic British accent. He also knows exactly how to read and where to put what intonations in the dialogue (since he wrote it and all). Plus, they tend to add in fun music and little extras with some of the dialogue to enhance the experience (there are a couple parts with talking/singing rats in Coraline that are deliciously creepy in the audio version).

In general, Neil has a wonderful ability to make a kid's book appealing to more than just kids. They're humorous in ways that adults can understand, and while the language is such that a kid can easily read and comprehend it, the themes aren't just for kids, either. Coraline has bits of magic and silliness along with everyday life, but it's a bit scary in parts, too. There's danger and suspense and tension, quite a bit of Unknown mixed in with everything. I don't know if I would recommend it for anyone younger than maybe 7 or might depend on the kid. There's nothing horrible or disgusting, but there are some rather sinister characters.

I'm excited for it to be made into a film because there hasn't been a single movie that Gaiman's been involved with that hasn't been brilliant. Mirrormask was what first got me interested in his work, then there was Neverwhere, a novel turned into a BBC sci-fi miniseries, and then just last year was Stardust and Beowulf. Neil himself has been blogging about Coraline for months now, and is very excited about how it's been coming along. I generally take it as a good sign when the author approves of how his creation is being transformed from one medium to another. There are also all sorts of websites, promotions and fun things (such as the first video by Neil) to go along with the release, which make it all the easier to be excited.

So childish as it may seem, I'm looking forward to this movie like very few other movies lately. And my kind and loving husband has promised to take me to see it, maybe as a Valentine's Day date. In 3-D, even. I'm so lucky!

it's official!


Over the past couple of weeks, I've definitely noticed some changes...I'm officially in my 3rd trimester, only 10 1/2 weeks to go! It's funny how at the same time, that seems both really far away and just around the corner.I now officially cannot see my feet when I stand up straight and look down. I also officially have been waking up more often at night because I can't seem to stay comfortable in the same position for too long. We're almost officially done with cleaning out the baby's room, there's just one more box, and a computer, and a small file cabinet to move out. I'm also officially (technically) registered for baby stuff, tho not entirely. We'll have to hit Babies R Us I think next week, especially since people are officially planning baby showers for me now...The baby is officially very active - the nurse practitioner gave me a chart at my last visit to keep track of movements - I want to track at least 10 movements in an hour, usually counting about an hour or so after eating. I think the longest it's taken so far to reach 10 movements is about 10 minutes. Yesterday, it was 2 minutes. I have now heard that theoretically boys are more mobile in the womb, so that may be a hint of the baby's gender, but I'm not going to be making any guarantees just yet. The baby is also officially kicking me in the ribs, which is definitely less than comfortable. Unfortunately, there's just not a ton I can do about it. Movements in general are no longer cute and gentle, they're more strong and surprising. I can find where and how the baby is laying fairly easily, which I love, and I can generally differentiate big body parts (head and butt) and skinny ones (legs and arms) that's about as definite as we get so far.Next week is my first appointment for every 2 weeks, instead of the standard every 4, and all of a sudden things seem to be speeding up quite a bit. I've got all my appointments scheduled between now and March, and it really doesn't seem like all that many, even though it's probably pretty equal to the number of appointments I've had in the entire pregnancy up to this point! We finally picked dates for birthing classes, we were having trouble with scheduling, and I was considering just skipping it, but I think it'll be good for us to go. It'll have to be a Saturday and Sunday, all day sort of thing, which isn't fabulous, but better than 6 weeks of 3hr classes on a weeknight.Overall, I think things are going really well, better than expected. I've had intermittent issues with heartburn and other issues, but it hasn't been awful. I get a little sore sometimes, but that's why I have a chiropractor. Everyone seems to think I make a really cute pregnant lady, and I even still have enough energy to go out on a Friday night from time to time (tho someone could probably make an argument about me needing to take better care of my body and getting more sleep). I'm bummed that my sister won't be able to come up for the baby, but since she's having her own at pretty much the same time, I guess I can let it go. And my brother's going to come visit from Connecticut, so that works out nicely, since we haven't seen him in awhile. There are plenty of plans yet to be made, but I do still have some time left.It's funny that I'm almost 7 1/2 months pregnant, but I'll still stop myself and find it absolutely amazing that this has happened. I still can't imagine very well what it will be like to have a baby in the house, having to take all those changes into account when trying to make future plans like mission trips or traveling for weddings and things. I d[...]

updates, updates


Ok, so I don't necessarily always want to be updating about the pregnancy, but that is literally the big thing going these days. Work is work, family is family, nothing crazy or all that interesting to report. And most people seem to like the updates too, so I guess it's not all bad.So I'm right about 24 1/2 weeks, which means I passed the 6 month mark last week (I usually have noticed that moms like to know the weeks, everyone else wants to know how far along in months - I guess it's all in what you can relate to). I just had my blood glucose test at my appointment this last week. I had heard of goopy orange super duper sweet concoctions that you have to drink (sometimes in large quantities) that make you want to puke. So I wasn't all that excited about the idea. But it wasn't too bad; I had a choice in flavors, so I went for lemon-lime, which looked and tasted pretty much like a Sprite, only flat. It was chilled, making it easier to drink down, and I didn't mind it at all. I could tell later on into my appointment that I was getting a bit of a sugar high. It made me a little worried because I know the idea behind the test is to see how well your body is processing the sugar in your system to see if you've got gestational diabetes, but it all turned out fine. I don't know what the levels are for borderline or for sure diabetic, but they told me I passed, so that's all I really needed to know.I was a little overwhelmed, however, with the amount of things that I wasn't aware of - like how I should be looking for a pediatrician now...seems a bit odd, but I guess it makes sense, if you want to have that person at the hospital to check the baby out within 24 hours of birth. It's just that I've never even thought about it - I don't know how to go about looking for a pediatrician, I don't know what is important in a pediatrician (besides the obvious part about caring about and being good with kids). So I figure I'm going to start asking the moms that live in my area what they think about their kids' docs and maybe just start (or end?) there. I've got my clinic, but since my last experience with their OB department didn't really inspire a lot of confidence, and I was starting to think about going with a different clinic with midwives next time I'm pregnant, I guess I'm not feeling all that loyal right now...I also need to start looking into things like birthing classes (which also seems a bit overwhelming, but most likely is not), and to keep working on cleaning out the office, which means we need to finish putting together the new office, which means buying a desk, and a dresser for the baby's room. And people keep asking me about baby showers, which I'm figuring that someone will offer to put one together sooner or later. I've got plenty of time left for that, but that means that I'll have to actually register soon, which is another somewhat daunting task, what with not knowing what I need/what, what brands are good, etc. I've been so thankful already that I've got friends who have done this at least once before, because there are lots of questions to ask and lots of advice to get.Overall tho, I've been really enjoying everything. I'm not so concerned about gaining weight (it helps that I really haven't gained a lot in the last month or so...) I know that I'm in a good spot heading into my 3rd trimester when I can't really help the weight gain, and it would actually worry me if I didn't gain very much weight. I have noticed no stretch marks (from the baby, I already had my fair share from before). I've had some back[...]

maybe the coolest thing ever...


I was really excited to get to about 16 weeks or so, knowing that at any point between then and 20 weeks is when I would start feeling the baby move. I tried to find out a lot of information - when, how it feels, how do I know, etc. It's most often described as "fluttering", or like bubbles, a lot of women mistake it for gas or hunger. I had also read that you could feel it easiest when you were still and paying attention, if you're busy during the day you're more likely to miss it because the movement is so slight.

So for about the last week I've been taking more time to try and feel things. At one point I was slouched over in my chair at work and thought I had felt something. Then I straightened up and realized that it was more like my diaphragm than my uterus that was actually moving. I ended up going thru the weekend thinking maybe I had felt something here or there, but not ever really being sure, seeing as I've never actually felt anything quite like a baby moving inside my own body.

On Tuesday afternoon, I happened to be sitting at my desk and felt sort of what I had felt here and there over the weekend. And then it happened again. And again. And then some more. I was pretty sure at that point that it's really what I thought it was, that baby was a-movin'! It was pretty much like gas moving around in your tummy, or I could see how people describe it as fluttering. It feels a little like being really nervous, when your stomach is just all aflutter and you just can't calm it down. More than anything tho, it literally feels like someone poking very softly from the inside. Like any normal person, that of course called to mind the scene from Alien where the baby alien pops out of the guy's chest, which made me chuckle a little bit. For the rest of the afternoon it was a little distracting, little bubble feelings every few minutes, I wasn't honestly sure if I liked it or not.

Then I got home and tried to feel it some more, and realized I really couldn't. I think I feel it more when I'm sitting up, or scrunched up, giving the baby a little less room to move around. This would explain why I can feel it more at work. There must be tons of space still (I would hope so, there's still lots to grow!) because yesterday I didn't really feel Baby much at all, at work or otherwise. I was a little bit concerned, but today's been fairly active, so I think Baby must have just moved a little closer to the surface again or something. I've actually been feeling the baby on the right side, stronger than before, all in the same area, like s/he's practicing kicking a target or something. It actually feels like an intentional jab, instead of just a soft tapping. I think I'm over wondering if I like it or not. I pretty definitely like it. I feel like I'm sharing something with this little thing that I really hadn't before, almost like a little bit of communication, Baby just letting me know that s/he's there.

On a side note, I'm really going to have to figure out a pronoun for this kid. We're not going to find out if it's a boy or girl, and I'm getting to not like referring to the baby as "it", and the whole "s/he" thing seems silly and like too much work. Suggestions anyone?

17 weeks and counting


Well, almost. 17 weeks will be tomorrow.I'm sure anyone who is or has been pregnant will agree that the weeks tend to fly and creep by. It was already 7 weeks ago when I saw my baby for the first time. It was already 2 weeks ago since my last appointment, and only 3 more weeks until the next one when we get to see another ultrasound.But my belly has been growing by millimeters, it seems. Quick enough so not all my pants fit, but slowly enough that I'm still pushing off going shopping for new pants. December seems forever away, not to mention actually making it to March. For as long as I've been pregnant, I'm still not even half way there.I would say overall I'm enjoying things. Especially now that I've gained a little freedom from the eating every 2 hours cycle. I still get hungry about every 2hrs, but the consequences of not immediately eating aren't anywhere near the same. I can even let my tummy growl for a little bit and decide when I want to go to lunch, not when the baby wants to go. That's nice. I'm not really enjoying not fitting into things, it's been harder to find stuff to wear. I think that's a mix of a growing belly and the fact that in the past 4-6 months we've donated something like 4-6 bags of old clothes, and haven't really bothered to replace them, which I guess is the idea behind cleaning out your closet.It's also been fun learning what you can and cannot do while pregnant - mowing the lawn? Definite yes, especially if it's a self-propelled mower. Digging up bushes? Not so much. Running? Not me, since my heart rate jumps and stays up too high. Disc Golf? Also a no, I was surprised to find how much you use your abdominal muscles while throwing a disc. I had already given up Ultimate due to the running, but apparently even if I could still sprint up and down a field I would have a hard time with actually throwing a frisbee. I was doing laundry this weekend and wondering how long it will take for it to be really difficult for me to lift and carry a really full basket of dirty clothes with a big belly, and also how precarious a walk up or down the stairs would get with full arms...guess we'll find out!I definitely feel "like my old self"; energy levels are up, I've felt really good besides a cold a couple weeks back, but I still am getting tired by 10-10:30. Naughty me, I usually stay up later than that. Like last night, almost made it to midnight...ouch. There happened to be this really interesting show on PBS about genetic screening and what some people choose to do with the information...but I recorded (hopefully) the rest of it and will watch it later. I haven't been out after the Rock in...about 16 weeks, we did have people over on Friday night, but I ditched them all just after 11pm, such a great hostess!One thing I'm not used to is there's a lot more worrying in my head than ever before. I'm not generally a worrier, but there's been a bit on my mind lately. We did have everything in place financially for me to stay home when the baby comes. We then decided to finish off the basement (I think it was the right move) and now have a lot more in bills, etc to take care of. Which means I'm not sure where things will be at come March. We have no idea if we'll be able to refinance our home like we would like, there's just a lot more up in the air. Not cool.Also, I've been having irrational fears of miscarrying. I will admit I thought about it a fair amount during the first trimester, and literally breathed a sigh of relief when I passed 13 week[...]

baby update


there have been plenty of reasons I've been thinking it'd be nice to have internet at our of them is so I can actually update this thing more often than once a trimester...but then again I would probably just end up playing online games or just on Facebook all the time, something productive like that. Oh well.

So yeah, as far as pregnancies go, I'm thinking I've had it pretty easy. I haven't puked once. I only broke down crying once (so far), and that was because I was so hungry I felt like puking and pretty much doing anything but eating at that moment. Not too bad. My main concern now is that my belly seems to be finally growing to the point that certain articles of clothing aren't fitting quite as well as they used to. The upside to this is that I seem to have only gained about 5lbs total, which is on the high end, but still acceptable. Considering that I haven't eaten the best this past holiday weekend, I would say I'm not doing too badly. I still kind of wish that one day I wouldn't have a belly and then the next day it would be an obviously pregnant belly; most people at work don't know, and so it feels like every day I come in trying to hide it out of normal self consciousness that people are going to start wondering and talking or something. Maybe a bit paranoid, but that's what's up.

In actual baby news, things are great. I'm 12wks today, officially due on St. Patty's day. Considering my Irish heritage, it could be worse. =) We saw the doctor a couple weeks ago, had an ultrasound, heard the heartbeat, and were utterly amazed. The baby is moving around so much! It's hard to believe that I can't feel it yet. But it was still only about 1 1/2 inches long at that point, I know that part will come soon enough.

I've been feeling better for the last couple weeks, actually making it 3 and sometimes 4 hours between eating. I still get in trouble by not listening to my body well enough and ignoring the hunger. I end up making macaroni & cheese or something quick and easy because it's the only thing I can manage while feeling like I'm going to pass out. I've been doing alright getting in the fruits and veggies, definitely more now than in the weeks leading up to pregnancy, so that's good. I still can't stay up much past 10:30, that's pretty much when everything shuts down. I've been trying to get ready and to bed before then, but again, it's earlier than my normal bedtime, so I'm pretty ok with it. The one thing I really know I need to work on is exercise. I can't run right now, but I should be walking more than I do. I think I might just need to dust off the old treadmill (literally...) and get it going again. Fall is coming tho, and that would be an awfully nice excuse to enjoy my favorite time of year.

Alright, so there are the highlights, I'll pass on the descriptions of exactly how my body is changing in many different ways, because well, it's just better that way.

quickest of updates


because I really meant to post this last week, and haven't had time or wasn't feeling well.
So I took this test a couple weeks ago and I passed!

I am officially pregnant!!

We were telling people if they asked, but now I think everyone can know (or at least everyone that reads my blog, I know there are a couple of you.) There's so much more to tell and share and things I've been learning, but again, no time, since I'm at work. I just started with the "morning" sickness last week, which is more like "any time of the day or night if my body feels it needs food" sickness, which just makes it hard to get to the library after work or feel like doing much of anything.

But thank you for all the prayers and encouragement, I have a feeling I could use more as the days and weeks go along. I'm pretty excited because I spent some time with God last night and found some new scriptures on endurance and seeking grace and mercy from God, which I will definitely need. It's hasn't always been the most real, believable thing, even with positive tests and a visit to the doctor last week, but it's slowly dawning on me that this is fo' real, and there is something growing in my belly. That's kind of cool.

More later, tho I can't promise exactly when, but I wanted to at least say something after being quiet for so long...

bathroom prayers


Today is day 28.

I haven't started my period. I haven't taken a pregnancy test.

I drink, on average, about 80oz of water during the work day. This means I go to the bathroom a lot. Each time I've gone today has tended to grip my heart just a little bit with the possibility of bad news. I feel anxious, but I don't. But I kind of do. I'm steeling myself against any bad news, understanding fully that it will hurt a lot if and when it comes, no matter what. So my only recourse at this point has been to pray. Every time I go to the bathroom. Every time. Nothing huge, just trying to remind myself to be thankful, that I gave this situation to God and He promised that His peace will guard my heart and mind if I just ask God for what I need and thank Him for all that He has given me.

I actually started praying last night, just in case it came early. I was actually thinking of taking a test when I got home today, but we're bringing dinner to Dirk and Kat and Nora tonight, so me being a wreck might not make for a fun time, just in case. I want to know, to get it over with, but I don't want to take a test tomorrow morning and then carry a negative result in to work, so maybe tomorrow after work. Maybe. I also have to get up the guts in general to even take the dumb thing.

I guess maybe I should focus on the positives here. If I'm not pregnant, you'd better believe I'm drinking a beer sometime soon (a good beer!). Also, if I not pregnant, then I can go to Valleyfair this summer and ride the rides. I love me some rollercoasters. I will not need to worry about being able to play ultimate or tugging up the bushes in my yard (at least for a couple more weeks). And I can also have coffee. Mmmm, coffee. This does give a little perspective.

Anyway, that's all I got. I have to go to the bathroom now...