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head of doodle





Updated: 2018-01-07T23:48:51.307-05:00

 



I Remember!

2017-06-06T20:49:43.767-05:00

Dear world,

I remember! I remember who I am. No not amnesia. I have just read my whole blog. It was a very very enjoyable experience for me. My blog was my attempt to remember and reading now gave me back some memories. I started this blog when I was about 19, and now I'm in my 30's. It was exhilarating to read my thoughts from so many years ago and see how I progressed in age (I didn't say maturity). In the last decade or two I have traveled the world, experienced much. Met many people and experienced humanity in many ways. The journey was definitely one worth documenting. Even though I have forgotten tons, the journey continues...



Doodleview

2011-12-03T18:19:45.854-05:00

I know. I must update more. Here is a real update, full of my opinion on lots of important and substantial issues that you can quote from me when I run for president. (Just a few short years left until I'm old enough) You may know them however its still fun to see it in writing. My opinion on:

Politics- Democracy introduced a novel idea to the world. Now, not only can you get screwed by politicians, you can actually CHOOSE which ones you want to do the screwing.

Religion- Theres just no way mere humans will ever figure out how to do things right. Without the aid of an authentic divine source, (such as the torah) man will continue to blunder about in the dark creating nonsensical ideas, laws and societies doomed to faults and failure.

Gays- How a poor substitute for the real thing ever got so much acceptance with people claiming not to have any mental deficiencies is beyond me.

Exercise- Treadmills and other exercise equipment are over priced clothing hangers. If you want exercise get outside into the real world and climb up cliffs for a month or two.

Blogs- Nowadays, every jerk thinks they can have an opinion, even if they don't.

Sports- Those that play, fail to impress me. (If you want to be a real athlete see 'exercise' above.) As for the fans, you guys get your butts off the couch and go do something for a change. Enough of this vicarious exercise.

Movie Stars- People who idolize people based on their being in a motion picture need to search for a more productive hobby. As for people who are in motion pictures; either either need to learn how to act or they also should search for a more productive hobby.

Music- I like it.

Luxury automobiles- Hey, I enjoy a fun drive as much as the next guy. I don't necessarily understand people who plunk down crazy sums for a vehicle, that although it drives quite fast they neither exceed 55 mph nor explore the handling capabilities. If they want their friends and enemies to know they have extra money to spare, whats stopping them from opening a charity fund or something?

Video games- See 'sports fans' above.

Clothing hangers- I'm actually quite impressed with that invention. So simple and yet so useful. Bravo. Keep up the good work.

I gotta run now, but if you desire to hear my opinion on more feel free to add anything.



Behold!

2011-10-23T16:24:55.943-05:00

Yes, an update. Just when you thought the blog was dead, rigor mortis set in, the will read and fought over already and the finishing touches of the plaque with little red lights done. Along comes a post, and zombie-like cracks open the coffin and crawls its way to the surface. Dirt and grass roots caked along the side and dirt filling its ears and other orifices. It straightens up and shakes off some spiders as it shuffles forward, arms straight ahead. Searching, seeking out a victim, from the land of the living.

Its been a long time since I blogged. Much has happened but alas much has been forgotten. I should attempt to fill in the blanks but that would be like a man on a desert island trying to write his memoirs with his pen and paper that he made sure to pack in his fanny pack. Noticing that his fanny pack rests comfortably at the bottom of the ocean with his pants and cans of tuna, he tries using coconuts to record his magnum opus for posterity. When that fails miserably he ends up with the old fashioned notches in the tree to record how many days and a crude "bob wuz here" scratched with his fingernail and -when that cracked -toenail. I'm in the same boat (pun, although corny, intended) as Bob because my memories that were unrecorded by this blog are lost in the same place where his fanny pack is. Instead of mourning the past or resorting to mere lines on the trunk of a tree I shall update today as if I have never missed a day:

Although it seems like I never have a second to breathe, I took it easy today. Went shopping around Jerusalem, caught up with some old friends. I have a flight to catch tomorrow night to Ukraine. Where I will end up I don't know. I may just miss the flight intentionally. Time will tell and planning is for other people. We shall see....



You are seriously out of the loop

2010-07-03T22:17:55.103-05:00

If you are not aware of my twitter accounts existence or are aware but not following me, my advice it to get on the bandwagon. Its a different style then this blog and I'm limited to 140 characters.(which can be a pretty good thing depending on how much you like hearing me talk and which side of the bathroom door you are on) Just text the words 'follow z302' to the short code 40404 or search on twitter.com for z302. If you'd prefer I also run a mental telepathy version of this blog which updates at least once a day. To join just telepathically send me an indication that you'd like to follow me and I'd gladly share.



An update?

2010-02-11T16:59:16.942-05:00

I have recently been informed by a small fowl fluttering by, that my fans would like my head. If that ornithological breakthrough was referring to my head atop my shoulders, I will now attempt to offer it for sale on e-bay. For sale: Head, used slightly, often as a paperweight, occasionally as hat rack, although most often just a safe place to store bits of string, glue and any random facts on things you probably don't want to know. This head does not include free shipping or detaching. Any bids are made with the knowledge that the buyer will have to remove head from body at his own risk and using his own tools.
If however this wanting of my head was metaphorically referring to the desire for my head detached from my body, without any need for my head itself, due to my lack of updating this blog and possibly my prank calls to random people at 3 in the morning, then I do apologize. Not for waking you up to inquire about the state of your kitchen appliances, nor because of this blog's terrible update rate. I apologize simply because I refuse to part with my head just for kicks. If someone was planning on bidding on it on ebay I might make an exception, but the alternative just will not fly. I'm rather attached to it in an anatomical way and besides I have just updated. If you are stuck with any string and glue and are having difficulty storing it anywhere, perhaps try a box. Or a bag. A flower pot can work and so can a thermonuclear power plant. Either way, when you locate a proper receptacle of your choice, ask yourself this one question: "Yeah but can it ALSO double as a hat rack and paperweight?" I think not.



I haven't learned chinese yet either

2009-10-12T13:28:31.388-05:00

Take a look at all these comments. I have no idea in what language they are written or what they mean. I am very curious. If you know what language it is, or what they mean, please let me know in a language I know. If you are the people or person writing the comments, Hi, how are you? Welcome to this blog. I write in English. Occasionally I throw in a little Hebrew or Yiddish. Once in a blue moon some French or Spanish, and I think I might have dropped an Aramaic word once. Either way, please feel free to respond in kind, the way I write. (making a minimal amount of sense, but in pretty understandable words. You don't have to try typing from a moving motorcycle like I do sometimes, as long as the end result is the same. Use a moving Elephant if thats the medium of choice in the country you originate from. Really, I'm not picky.) Thanks for listening, love doodle.



Not In Hawaii

2009-09-17T20:30:46.545-05:00

Nope I'm not in Hawaii. If I receive another accusation of such, I may just actually go just to avoid further accusations. I haven't updated in what seems like years. This wouldn't seem to bother me much except that today I was googling for some random necessary information (google totally rocks) and I encountered one of my old blog posts. I sat down and read a few months of my really old posts, completely surprised that I had almost no recollection of most of the events that transpired back then. I decided right on the spot that I must blog for I am forgetting precious bits of my life. Quite entertaining bits of my life.
However, as I finally attempt to do jot down some of my thoughts I notice that I do not seem to remember what has taken place over the last few months. (I still dont wear a watch and if someone tries to inform me what year we are in I always put my fingers in my ears and say "alalalalalalalalalalal" until they go away. I try not to waste precious space in my brain for things as trivial as the time or date.) I do remember some things that has happened. For example, I do know that after two trials my sentence consists of community service. (Actually my plea bargain. And if I complete another additional 6 months of good behavior it gets erased from my criminal record completely!) I have finally completed the necessary hours and I'm sure the community is much better off. (Bah, the stupid justice system in this goshdurned country) I still have to get a letter sent to the judge or it doesn't qualify. Also I have hiked around the USA a bit. Or quite a lot. I've done some long distant hikes, the most notable was a bit more then 50 miles in one day. Starting at 6 am and hiking until somewhere around 9 in the evening. At the moment I'm wishing to go Israel for the chag, but it doesnt seem to be happening. I do carry my passport around, just in case.



Fighting Swine Flu The Easy Way

2009-06-15T15:48:04.001-05:00

Sleep. Thats the easy way. I don't think there IS an easier way than just sleeping. Thats what I did. I slept for two days and when I awoke my swine flu was gone. I'm sure theres gonna be a vaccine to allow your immune system to do what it was about to do any way, or perhaps some sorta natural healing process, involving copious quantities of strong smelling herbs applies to various limbs and orifices, but where I come from sleep is considered the easier alternative. Also there are no side effects. Nothing permanent or noticeable anyway. I do recall a quite vivid hallucination in which I struggled with three angels for possession of my blanket while they beat me in the face with their wings and I attempted to get warm, but I think that was a result of the 103 plus body temperature, not the sleeping cure. Sleeping seems to be the safe, affordable and mildly entertaining way to beat swine flu. Good luck.
(the above statements were not evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. If those tushy faces disagree with any of the above then they obviously need extreme help with their reading comprehension as it is quite obvious that nothing in the above is intended to diagnose, prevent, mitigate, treat or cure the 2009 H1N1 influenza virus. And furthermore, I stand behind my assessment of the FDA being tushy faces, and I'd like to amend that I feel you guys are GIANT tushy faces. You no longer deserve the regular tushy face status any longer. Grow up a bit, you giant tushy faces.)



How to hack into the department of defense and override their computer systems without getting caught

2009-05-15T16:21:59.134-05:00

Yes, its possible. A little birdy let it slip to me that the password of today just happens to be "H1N1 is for the pigs". To the pentagon pencil pushers: prepare perilous plight platitudes, people plunder panic.

(the above is simultaneously a test to see if the country has improved its security since last time I checked, and an attempt to rally those How To sites to fill in the information that seems to be lacking on google's all inclusive search engine.)

In other news, it seems the word that I created a while ago "goorit" was added to a dictionary.
goorit

A measure of time equal to 60 hours.

It is often easier or more accurate to speak of goorits than to say "two or three days" or "about half a week".
"I'll come back and pick up my order in a goorit. Can you have it ready by then?"


"Minutes are to seconds as goorits are to hours."
Thanks to whoever emailed me about it, and whoever added it. Its quite inspiring to see that the English language evolves to fill its needs, and its even cooler to be a part of it.

The updates are slow, mostly due to me bouncing around, having fun, and occasionally getting in trouble with the law. If that bothers you I suggest you write to your local congressman to relax gun restriction and other pointless laws a bit. If that letter goes against any of your morals or beliefs, you can try asking for internet access in prisons for the inmates. This way if I ever end up in jail (well obviously thats pretty far fetched, they'd have to prove to a jury of my peers that I am indeed guilty of something, the charges would have to be for something that would involve jail time, and a judge would have to be willing to sentence me. All of which is highly unlikely. Not to mention that they'd have to catch me first. But if all the above actually happened on some alternative universe, perhaps one where people were logical to some extent) then I'd be able to update from behind bars. If you are still worried about prisoners having access to internet (you're some sorta sadist or something?) , or maybe you just don't like writing letters, at least bake me a cake. But no file. Not until you've sent cakes every day and they stop checking the cakes. They have x-ray machines these days. Remember that. Also, I like chocolate, with frosting.



Accomplishments

2009-03-22T11:55:01.767-05:00

Over the last many goorits (or even many months) I've been doing lots of traveling. I have drove thousands and thousands of miles, I have flown thousands and thousands more. The world is a huge place. I have accomplished much on my travels. I have put ani tapuach stickers on the backs of live gators in the Florida everglades , and escaped with all my limbs intact. (although in the case of the particularly feisty one, barely)I've acquired some new scars. I now have a warrant out for my arrest in the entire state of Indiana. (they have to catch me first, ha!) I've detonated small amounts of dynamite under piles of compost. I filed a lawsuit against US airways. I survived in middle of nowhere by catching fish with my bare hands. I have met long lost relatives in places I didn't even know that people even live. I have discovered the name of my favorite donut. I caught the flu and took a few days off traveling to eat and sleep. Now its back on the road, time to hit the trail cowboy. Later.



Yeah yeah

2009-03-04T16:27:58.190-05:00

I'm aware that I'm supposed to be updating, the problem is that its not like its a simple task. I would love to be able to type my thoughts onto this electronic paperistic thing in front of me and have them appear on my screen. I would love to be able to do so whenever my thoughts pour out of my head in fuzzy fountains like the slurpee machine that got its vat punctured by an errant shot gun blast. Thick sweet frothy and cold, all over the floor. Sorta like the exact opposite of a volcano but just as harmful and serious. Especially if you own the place and just mopped it. Your day would've been hunky dory until this unfortunate incident. Only one or two unruly teens, easily dispatched with a quick cry of "ID, ID, you must shew me iedee okay?" You probably only had your couch and the decision which flavor 6-pack you'd be bringing home on your mind, now your entire existence thrown into total disarray by some punk with a 12 gauge and a grudge. Or perhaps a hunger for some cash and bad aim. Either way the floor will never be quite the same clean as it was this morning. The point is updating only sounds like a simple walk in the park if you havent actually walked a mile in the park. Once you have, you discover the lions and tigers that roam the park after dark. And the muggers, oh yes mustn't forget the muggers. They have rights too, you know.
Anyway, lately I've been traveling the globe and have not been meticulous in my updating schedule. As I continue to travel I see more new sights, and think more new thoughts. I continue to progress with my goal of cartwheeling in every state, country and continent on earth, but its not going as fast as I would like. Thousands of miles have been covered and thousands more to go, "Press on, for today is a new day, live, for that day is but a short one." -Quote from some really famous guy who needed to get some more air in his diet.



Toys

2009-02-05T10:46:26.739-05:00

Today they have come up with a new way to teach kids how to text. Some quite intelligent people at Leap Frog obviously decided that kids these days need help texting. I wonder what went on in that boardroom. The guy who first introduced the idea was probably fumbling with his cellphone while his colleague pointing at pie-charts with a pointer, until some kind fellow was like,
"Hey Frank, is everything ok?"
"Yeah Stan, its just that my young kid has not stopped texting me today, besides for not being able to comprehend the SMS Language, I cant seem to figure out how to respond."
"Me neither, these cell phone texting gadgets are beyond me. I don't know how kids do it."
"Hey, that gives me a stompin good idea! Why dont we create something for kids to learn how to text at a really young age?"
This idea was probably considered pretty grand by the rest of the marketing team, although there was definitely that one guy who said something like, "Uh guys, aren't we missing something important here?" But was quickly shut up by one of the more senior members of the company.
This kind of toy just proves something that I've been saying for years about all these wonderful toys for kids they have these days in general. All the advertisements tout things like 'Will teach your kids essential hand-eye coordination', or 'Don't allow your baby to fall behind, during the early stages of motor skill development its imperative that children have the proper toys to play with'. The funny thing is that parents believe what they read, because the printed word sounds so convincing. Despite the fact that kids have been growing up fine for thousands of years without the aid of huge plastic computer-modeled toys with loud noises and flashy lights. All of a sudden comes along this great new toy with all the expert's opinions written all over the box, and every parent is instantly purchasing the newest ADD inducing monstrosity that some smart cookie, (who obviously never suffered with those toys himself as a kid) created for the specific purpose of pushing the company stock higher. The greatest athletes, scientific minds, and squeegee men of the past all got to where they are today without the aid of 'educational' toys. The same parents who buy them, also managed to 'develop' normally when they were kids and somehow don't seem to have any major deficits in any motor skills. This combined with the high ADD ADHD numbers lately, leads me to believe that perhaps old fashioned toys are better suited for children's development.



Memo to President

2009-01-25T14:35:03.554-05:00

Dear President Obama,

I'm sure you're as big a fan of this blog as your predecessor President Bush was. During your campaign I heard all about change, change and change. So far you've been president for about a week now, and despite all the promises of change, absolutely NOTHING has been done about this extreme cold weather we are experiencing lately. I look forward to the change you promised. I warmly thank you.
love,
doodle

P.S Now that Guantanamo Bay inmates are slated for release, it is only logical that Jonathan Pollard will be next. Thanks again.



Goorit

2009-01-09T13:15:42.880-05:00

Sixty seconds is one minute, sixty minutes is one hour, sixty hours is a...?
Why oh why is there no word for this important number? I have to make one up. What about a Goorit? How often have you wanted to say "Hey, I'll give you a call in a goorit" Or "You wouldn't believe, my plane was delayed for at least two goorits. We sat on the runway until I was arrested for assaulting the pilot. I spent another goorit and a half in jail. But at least not another minute or second in that death trap on the runway"
From now on, instead of saying "Your stuff will be ready in 2.39 days, or 60 hours", you can get off real easy with a "Be back in a goorit". Hows that for saving you time patience and sanity? You're welcome. Feel free to use it whenever you'd like. Its also convenient for people who like to use words that haven't made it to the dictionary until the upcoming year printing. Everyone will respect you at the dinner party when you pull that little gem out of your hat. (although from experience the more real gems you pull out of hats at dinner parties the more respect and seconds on dessert people shower you with) Really.



Back within the grasp of uncle sam

2008-10-31T15:51:48.508-05:00

and his tight knuckly fingers(for now). I tried to ignore the airport to make it go away. Everyone knows that if you ignore something eventually it goes away. Without an airport I'd be forcing myself to stay in a country other than the one I type this from. Unfortunately, the common problem with airports is that they are large and noisy and quiet hard to ignore, especially when you are sitting inside it waiting for your flight. Not to mention that the planes are rather hard to miss.



Holy Land

2008-10-13T07:17:16.755-05:00

I just landed in Israel. Ukraine was tons of fun. While I was there I toured the country, learned to read and write Russian and was kidnapped and tortured for a few days until I managed to escape- it was awesome. (Thats one of the longer stories, if I write a book, maybe I'll include a chapter )
Sukkos in Israel is always a barrel of fun. The kind of barrel that contains you, two cats, a parakeet and a drunk porcupine. Rolling down a bumpy hill during a tornado. With a dozen eggs in your pocket. Some ketchup on your face. And a smile.



Ukraine

2008-10-06T18:27:27.965-05:00

I'm in Ukraine right now. For no reason. A friend of mine was like "Dude, lets go to Ukraine!" And I was like "Ok." So we bought tickets and two hours later grabbed a backpack and hopped on to a plane. (and then we hopped off. It was the wrong plane. Then we hopped on the right plane. But with the other foot. Hopping that much is real painful. Especially up and down stairs. And escalators. And over baby carriages that you were 100% sure were empty, until the mother angrily threatens to remove your head. And shes not kidding.) I'm probably gonna be here for a week or so. But who knows. Planning is for the kind of elderly people who don't like skateboarders and are very vocal about it. So far I've been here for a day. (Yom kippur in Ukraine should be a change from last year, when I spent it in a desert.) To those of you trying to contact me my Ukranian cell phone number is (If dialing from USA first dial 011 380) 63 240 7950. (If you're werent trying to contact me those numbers are the combination on a top secret swiss vault that contains a delicious carrot blueberry pie. Shelf life approximately a month. Find it and feast, or be doomed to live a life with the fact that you blew a chance to open the safe before it spoiled.) Thats all for now. Nazdiravyeh.



Gotta run but..

2008-09-03T21:06:20.890-05:00

Now that the summer is over, and I actually have a few seconds to breath, (blue? me? Oh I thought that was a tan) I can pause the breathing for a second to update. Camp was a blast. Not because of mini sticks of dynamite being placed in all sorts of strategic locations,(although they certainly helped)but just cuz. I wish I can remember all that transpired in the last month, but alas I was occupied with having the fun and had no time to record it for posterity. I only remember the one time I overdosed on wasabi, (I'm talking more than a pint. Way more) simply because I wasn't having as much fun as I was having the rest of the summer. (The eating part was fun, I mean the effects- shivering and sweating simultaneously for an hour, while intestines and stomach sizzle and smoke.) One of my important accomplishments,that I'm very proud of, which took me over the whole summer to finish, was my successful completion of a Big Bruiser 4.2 oz jawbreaker. Besides for that the rest is a big happy blur of dynamite, sun, water and life. (hi reb y!! 'tishim vitaisha bakbukai bira al hakir, tishim vtaisha bakbukim, echad nafal chaval al hakahal, tishim vshmone bakbukai beera al hakir')



Savlanut

2008-07-27T22:31:36.220-05:00

I'm aware that I haven't updated in a while. Unfortunately I haven't been able to post as often as I would like. Not because I don't want to, or because I don't have things to share, but simply because G-d controls the world and I am merely a puppet who bounces around doing the bidding of the Lord while being completely not in control of my destiny or blog updates. Things, usually very odd things, happen to me very often and although these bizarre occurrences make interesting stories and their tellings are sure to brighten up any boring dinner party -they don't allow me much time to type up my memoirs. (you try typing while the earmuffs you are wearing are being chewed on by a yak, or your computer succumbs to the horrible pressure at the bottom of the ocean floor- with no computer tech dude on the entire submarine.) This post is the official savlanut reminder. Dedicated to all the death threats and kicks in the pants that I have been receiving lately. You have all been hanging in there for an update, and I at least owe you that if not a new pair of knuckles.

I've been 23 for over a month now. I will continue to act like I'm four. I continue to stand strong and will not cave in to the pressures of society. (Acting your age is a lesson I learned at four, and I retain it very well.) After spending the last couple of months in America, I feel the only answer to its problems is Anarchy. (Perhaps this will create other problems, but it would definitely solve the existing ones. you're welcome) Pretty soon I'm gonna be headed off to my job at the camp for the special kids. Its tons of fun, and is just another continuation of me not being able to update. I will do my best to update, not because I'm scared of death threats, or because my pants is sore from the kicking, but simply because all my blank posting days means blank memories. Who knows what I've forgotten. (If it was a cure for AIDS again, I'm gonna really do something drastic, mark my words.)



Year of Living Biblically

2008-06-07T22:50:45.270-05:00

Read this book. Its called a year of living biblically. I read it a while ago, and am sharing cuz I'm friendly like that. I thought it well written and funny, and I even LOL'd a couple of times. (For those of you who read it I mean things like the out-bible-talking a 'hovas witness anecdote, and the numerous mistakes in interpretation.) The point of the book was that this guy (the author) A.J Jacobs, who isn't frum and has pretty much no clue about religion, is gonna read the entire Tanach and new testament, memorize it and then spend a year living his life in Manhattan, exactly as the bible says. Some of the things he does are funny. He of course lets his beard and peyos grow long because it says not to cut the corners of beard and head. He tries real hard to keep all the mitzvos. He really does. The only problem is that his entire understanding of the bible is based on the english text (he didnt learn hebrew first) and english books of all different religions. As a result of his lack of knowledge (although quite impressive for a secular guy) gets him into all sorts of funny predicaments. Not having much to work with he started off the year with 'fringes' tied to his shirt sleeves and collar. He wrote down the ten commandments on a piece of paper and tied it to his forehead and to his arm. He brought along a folding chair everywhere he went (like subways) to avoid sitting on a chair a lady may have sat on. He lived for seven days in a sukka he built in his living room. When he tried to stone adulterers, he walked around dropping pebbles on peoples shoes. Despite all his tziduki like practices, he still managed to keep a few mitzvos properly. Like shatnez. When he started he wasnt sure how to wear clothes with no mixtures at all, until he managed to get a real shatnez tester to test all his clothes. Or Shiluach Hakan. The Orthodox guy who checked his clothes, helped him out with that. He did things like write parts from his bible on his actual door post, and smear blood on his door post on pesach. Since he was a terrible gardener (his plants didnt last long enough to have leket) he decided any money he would ever drop by accident would be considered shickcha. All the various mistakes he made got me thinking. First of all, it showed me how little of Tanach I actually had memorized. (like apparently it says in mishlei or somewhere that your clothes should be white, which was his inspiration to wear white robes- which went really well with his flowing beard and hair) It also showed me how much information is in the torah. With the bare minimum (just the english text) this guy had a years worth of work and even then just barely scratched the surface. I couldn't help but imagine what his reaction would be if someone introduced him to the talmud. Besides for the long while it would take him to learn Aramaic, he would have a lifetime of work to complete the whole thing. And thats just the Gemarah. I'm sure his mind would have been completely blown had someone introduced him to the basic Rishonim. (If theres any possible way that he- an obviously very intelligent man- would be able to wrap his mind around a single 'shtickel' from the Achronim, I'd eat my hat, a bucket of glue and a piece of a rubber band.) Had he spent a year with the shulchan aruch I'd be standing up and clapping. (Instead of sitting down and typing. Didn't you ever wonder if I type sitting down or hanging from my knees on a traffic light wire? Well, sometimes. But usually the former.) The amount of knowledge he lacks, made me think about the lack of[...]



I know

2008-05-23T13:50:39.251-05:00

Its been a while since I last updated. I know. I'm not dead or hospitalized. I'm not in prison or in a hostile country. I'm not stuck in a perpetual loop in my time altering machine (again). Nor am I quitting. I just havent gotten around to updating. I almost forgot how to type in the long time I havent updated. I remembered only because smart people like me realize after much trial and error that when you push a key on the keyboard a corresponding letter appears on the screen. 'Backspace' does exactly that, and 'space bar'- although it isn't labeled, is only a matter of time until you accidentally bump into it with its long easy to find sized key right next to your thumbs.

Anyway I'm having difficulty and you can help. A while ago I had heard you can make a nice sized explosion using a large quantity of urine, some mouthwash and mint flavored menthos. I tried it in a bazillion different variations, using all sorts of different methods. (special thanks to all those who donated the large quantities of urine) Nothing worked. If you know anything about the piss-bomb please comment with the info. (like how exactly its done, how big an explosion we're talking here. The ratios. If its even possible. If it makes a difference what the urine donaters drank beforehand. If drinking jet fuel has any detrimental affects on peoples health. That sorta thing.) It would make my day, thanks.



This Country

2008-04-11T14:34:54.565-05:00

Now that I've been here in America for the last couple of weeks, I've had enough have had time to get over the initial shock. I've recovered enough to be able to interact with other humans, but occasionally I suffer a relapse. Apparently while I was gone the country was falling apart, but now that I'm back I've come to whip things back into shape. (While I'm here, based on the news I hear about Israel the country sounds like it needs me as well. It seems to be coming apart at the seams since my departure) Theres lots of changes to this country that I would suggest. Now since the president pretends he doesn't read my blog as was apparent from his lack of replying in President Bush: this one's for you it seems that we the ordinary citizens (even if you're not so ordinary, and have a wooden leg, a borat mustache and only dress in mustard yellow overalls. Which may be ordinary, except that you eat your food through your ears which is highly uncommon, at least says the surgeon general. Right Sarge?) have to take matters into our own hands. One thing we have to do away with is those automatic phone thingys. When I call a company I expect to reach a person and not have everyone in half mile radius be subjected to "Operator!"
"Okay pay bill, one moment we are transferring your call, if thats not what you wanted say 'go back'.
"Go back. OPERATOR"
"Ok Mortgages, one moment we are transferring your call, if thats not what you wanted say 'go back' "
"GO BACK! OPERATOR!"
"Okay aerator.... We don't sell aerators, please hold while we transfer you to the strange and and unusual farm and bathroom implement purchasing department...." STOP!" "Okay, transferring you to an operator. This is what I would classify as torture. In fact the UN would probably condemn the US if they ever tried interrogating prisoners by giving them phones and asking them to try to get hold of customer service. (all the CIA dudes get to snicker behind the one way glass, until the guy ends up trying to strangle himself with the cord or spills the beans) The way I propose we do this is an organized protest. Not the organized protest that is done in Israel. (although Israelis certainly have the right idea, their way simultaneously gets their point across very strongly and enables hours of endless fun. When else can you have high speed motorcycle and horse chases involving molotov cocktails and tear gas?) This protest is more peaceful for those Americans who think violence is no fun. All you gotta do is call a company every day, go through the whole annoyance to get to an operator and when you are finally connected, "Hello this is Jessica how may I help you?"
"PAY BILL"
"Whats that sir?"
"NO! GO BACK! PAY BILL!"
"Excuse me?"
" Aaaaah I hate these stupid voice activated computers. PAY BILL!"
"Sir, I'm not a computer"
"STOP! GO BACK!"
"Sir what can I help you with?"
"PAY BILL!"
"You'd like to pay your bill?"
"GO BACK! PAY BILL!"
"Sir, I'm not a machine, I'm a person."
Eventually after companies (your call may be recorded for quality purposes) realize they are losing time on all the phone calls, they will see the error of their ways and do away with the whole machine thing. Thats just one of the many ways we can help improve our quality of life. Feel free to add your own.



Leaving

2008-03-24T15:51:11.249-05:00

I'm sitting in the airport, waiting to board. Despite my prolonged stay in the country, (visa people werent too happy. I missed my flight and ended being here for a year straight) I'm on my way out. Heading back to America. Leaving the land of milk and honey for the land of powdered milk and artificial sweetener. I can't say I don't miss it, but I"m gonna miss Israel more. Thats all for now.



Steak and Coke

2008-03-09T13:35:20.153-05:00

Sounds yummy doesn't it? I'm not talking about eating it though. More than three months ago I had heard that if you leave a steak soaking in cola the entire steak will dissolve after a short period of time. Of course I had to try it. (thanks reb y) This is a pic of the steak before adding the soda. This is after 24 hoursThis is after 48 hours. Does it look like it shrunk a bit, or is that just me?After 72 hours.After about a week, notice the little bits of fat starting to rise to the top.This is after a couple of months. The fat on that floated to the top congealed and turned into a thick layer of mold.This is after I peeled off the mold layer. Notice the steak is in two pieces but pretty much all there. At this time it appears that the steak coke thing does not work. I'm keeping the steak in the coke, at least until I leave. We shall see if it ever dissolves.[...]



Disease and Phone

2008-02-17T07:30:46.509-05:00

Although I'm not a Doctor (not even a little around the edges) I'd like to name a new disease. Everyone knows someone affected by this disease, but no one has given it an official title. As long as it doesn't have an official title, nobody can possibly get treatment for it. Therefore I hereby name this disease in the hope that those afflicted can seek immediate medical care. I'm referring to Chronic Forwarding Disorder. Or CFD for short. (Isn't it fun how people insist on telling you the initials, as if you can't spell) This disease affects all sorts of people, who have been exposed to corny emails for too long and feel compelled to forward the entire contents of their inboxes to every address in their address book, daily. No amounts of threats of bodily harm can stop them, and deleting their handiwork seems to encourage them. Recently one victim of CFD had his disease spread to a new level. He had me on his list, and his numbers started increasing. I was getting a minimum of 25 an hour and each one was worse than the last. (yeah, I opened all of them. Maybe I have Openers Syndrome) Although I pleaded, begged, cajoled, threatened, pleaded again and cried, he still continued his onslaught. Finally, one day when it got to a point where it was my health or his life, I met this guy (who happens to read this blog) in the street and brought him to a dark alley. There I proceeded to "persuade" him to desist his email activities. We ended up compromising: he can only forward me emails that are either funny or important and I'd let him pick up his body parts off the floor to be sewn back on at the hospital. Since that day, (about three days ago)I have only received one email from this apparently cured survivor. The email was one that had been making its rounds to try to discourage people from talking on cellphones while driving. It had very graphic pictures of an accident of someone who they claimed was talking on his phone. There were pics of the car flattened into a little coffin sized box. It also showed the car being pulled apart by medics on the scene, and removing the body from the wreckage. The head was flattened (goatee still intact), inner organs spilling out from above the severed waist. The legs were still connected to each other with some bone that could have been part of a spine or tail bone. It was a very interesting email, so I didn't go seek and destroy the sender of it. (although I have a F-16 standing by, so quiver in your shoes, quiver, you uncontrollable email sender) After reading this email I was bothered by a few things. Like why all of a sudden were people worried about cell phone usage during driving? I read lots of papers who have been discussing recent studies on this topic. Why have I not received any emails with pictures of someone killed while changing stations on the radio, or giving another driver the finger? I'm sure there are statistics somewhere of people who've died while sneezing and driving. I'm willing to bet its higher than cellphone death. Just think about it. All it takes is one out of control sneeze, and both hands move the wheel sharply in one direction, eyes close, head shoots forward and the foot stomps down on the nearest pedal. Thats an instant disaster. The reason why nobody knows about it is because nobody can know. When they go through the burnt out shell of the car (or crunched car, depending on how it ended) they won't find his used [...]