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Preview: Anonymous Midwest Girl

Anonymous Midwest Girl

The life and times of a nameless, 20-something girl living in the midwest who enjoys x-treme crosswording, competitive reading, and naked skydiving.

Updated: 2018-01-15T08:21:39.417-08:00


Who are you?


I just noticed that there are still like 120 people that visit this blog daily. DAILY! Who are you people? This blog is deader than dead. WHO HAS TIME FOR FUNNY STORIES ABOUT BEING NAKED AT THE CHIROPRACTOR? Not me.

I had another kid. I have two kids now. Two kids is more than one. I am one person. There are more kids than there are me. This seems like a bad ratio.

life goes on, indeed.


Man, I used to be one hell of a funny bitch. What happened??? It's like I hit 30 and suddenly was no fun anymore. Maychance (perbe?) I'll start posting again, even though I've lost all my followers and friends. Sob. I was once a not-really-big deal in the blogosphere!

But. I have a kid now. I grew a little human and she came out of me and now she sits up and eats and poops like a real person. Her name is Carys and she's amazing.

Whoa. I'm a mom. Weird.

life goes on. ?.


In the time since I last posted, I found out I was pregnant. December 29, 2009.

2009 turned into 2010.

We celebrated Valentine's Day by telling my family we were having a baby.

We had an ultrasound and saw our perfect baby.

March turned into April, and we were oh-so-close to the halfway point of the pregnancy, April 20.

On April 12, far too early, we had our son, Caleb Anthony. He lived for 20 minutes.

On April 14, we're hanging in there. Barely.

I have a new blog about our new life.

border patrol? thank you for protecting us!


One of my friends is a Canadian citizen who recently had to go through the US on her way to Mexico. She just emailed me these snippets from her conversations with the border guards and I can't stop laughing.

Him: Why does your friend live in Seattle if he's Canadian?
K: He works for
Him: Why?
K: I don't know... because they hired him??
Him: How long has he worked there?
K: Almost 9 years. he has a visa, but he applied for a green card a couple years ago.
Hhim: Well, he's not gonna get it, I'll tell you that right now.
K: ...ok....


Him: Where are you going?
K: Mexico.
Him: Have you been to Mexico before?
K: No.
Him: Where in Mexico?
K: Puerto Vallarta. The resort is called Velas Vallarta.
Him: You're being pretty vague...where are you staying specifically?
K: Like I said, it's called Velas Vallarta, in Puerto Vallarta.
Him: Is it in Nuevo Vallarta?
K: No, it's in Puerto Vallarta.
Him: Yeah, but where is it?
K: I don't's on the water.
Him: There are over 200 hotels on the water there, where is this one?
K: I don't know the address!


Him: Have you ever been arrested?
K: No.
Him: You sure?
K: Yes, I'm sure I've never been arrested.
Him: I don't believe you.
K: Well, you have my passport, can't you see that on your computer that I've never been arrested?
Him: Well, I'm gonna let you go, but know I don't believe you.


Him: Who booked the trip, you or your friend?
K: My friend.
Him: Why didn't you?
K: Well, only one of us was going to book it, since we were going together. So it was 50/50 odds.


Him, while searching my purse: What's this?
K: Just some mail I picked up on my way out the door.
Him: I'm going to open your bank statement.
K: Um...ok... (while thinking, "What, are you expecting to see 'DEPOSIT FROM TERRORIST ORGANIZATION: $2,000,000'????????????")


She also overheard the same guard asking another woman from their bus questions in another WTF interview.

Him: Are you going to work in the States?
Her: No, I'm going to visit my daughter.
Him: Well, does she live here illegally?
Her: No, she's a professor at the university and has been for 25 years.
Him: You come down here a lot.
Her: Yes, she's my daughter.
Him: Well, you shouldn't visit her so much.

Remembering Peter Alexander Bielfeld


This post was written as part of Project 2996.Firefighter Peter BielfeldOriginally uploaded by elswatchoboracho When he was five, little Petey had a tooth extracted. He was so upset that his father took him to a toy store and let him pick out any toy he wanted. Petey picked a big, red, shiny firetruck, which he kept for years afterward. “All he wanted to be was a fireman,” his father Ernest recalled.Though his first job was working with his father as a paper handler at The Daily News, he did grow up and achieved his dream. By 2001, he had been a firefighter for over 19 years. He was known in the neighborhood for standing Ladder Company 42 in the Bronx smoking a cigar or walking around with his daughter.On September 8, he suffered injuries fighting a fire in the Bronx. Three days later, he was in the FDNY’s medical office in Brooklyn when the call went out – planes had crashed into the World Trade Center buildings, they were burning, and people were dying. He borrowed a colleague's gear, and rushed to do what he had wanted to do since the age of five – fight fires and rescue people.His brother Roger knew it. "This is what he wanted to do," said Roger. "You couldn't keep him out of there if you chained him up."His father agreed. "I guess it was just meant to be," Ernest said. "You can't run away from what was meant to be."After he died, it took nearly a year to locate his remains. In that time, a mural honoring him was painted in the Bronx. When his funeral was held on September 10, 2002, the fire truck bearing his coffin drove past the artwork. The college where he played football at retired his jersey, number 42 – ironically the same number of his ladder company.Peter wasn’t just a firefighter, and he wasn’t just a hero – though that’s how he is remembered today. Perhaps more importantly, he was a son, a father, a brother, a brother-in-law, a cousin, an uncle. It’s difficult to remember at times that these were real people who had real lives that were cut short so quickly, and that real people miss them every day – that he wasn’t just one of the thousands that died. That’s why it’s so important to remember each victim individually, and I’m honored to have been chosen to remember Peter Alexander Bielfeld.Sources:[...]

That's the way I roll...


So I had an awkward moment at the chiropractor today. I found out I've been getting too naked.

When I first went to the doctor, I got x-rays (as they do). In order to get x-rays, of course, you have to disrobe and put on a lovely hospital-type gown. I went straight from getting x-rays to getting my first adjustment. The next time I went, they showed me to the same room I had previously used to change, and said to put my gown in the designated bin when I was finished. Cool, no problem, I can follow simple instructions like a fucking pro. So I again get naked (well, not entirely, I kept my Eeyore panties on. Why do I have Eeyore on my underwear? I truly have no clue.) and put a gown on. All goes well. This same scenario happens the next time...and the next time...and the next time...and so on, for like three months.

Today, I got shown to a room I hadn't used before to get ready. And prominently displayed on the door is this notice:

I did a double take when I saw that. Disrobe from the WAIST up? Why the heck have I been taking my pants off? Why hasn't anyone mentioned this small fact to me? Did the doctor specifically request that I be put in this prep room BECAUSE I'd been getting too naked and he wanted me to start putting some freaking pants on?? What if I went out WITH pants and he got offended? Why would that offend him?? I don't know, I couldn't think of anything but my inadvertent superfluous nudity. I wasn't thinking clearly.

Anyway, anticlimactic ending: I kept my pants on.



There's no more clever title than that...I'm still in beach mode so my thinking skillz (yes, that's right, skillZ) are not as sharp as they are when I'm here in the freezing cold midwest. Something about the low temperatures makes you sharper...NOT. If it did, clearly I would have been smart enough to move away from here and be living somewhere warmer.

Anywho (don't you hate that phrase?), last week my hubby and I went to Aruba. You could call it a late honeymoon, but we went with another couple and their two-year-old daughter, so if you DID call it that, you'd be wrong. Plus, that means I still get to take one in the future.

While I didn't take my filet mignon 5D camera or even my steak sandwich XTi, I did take my bologna point and shoot. If you're interested, you can check out pics from the trip - like this one


or maybe this one


or maybe you prefer a more heavily processed look?


There's also some taken with my crap underwater digital camera...really, it's amazing any of these turned out since I had no idea if I was taking a picture, had just taken a picture, or even if the camera was turned on.


You can see pictures of me snorkeling!


And precariously perched on the bow of a boat!


And rope swinging!


It was a pretty damn amazing trip and it was exceedingly hard to come back. The saddest part of the whole trip was when we were driving back from the airport after we got home, and I looked around and immediately slipped back into "Omaha" mode. It's a little depressing. Sigh.

Life, as it happens.


I quite realize that no one ever checks this anymore. I wonder why that is?It's not like I completely abandoned it.No, not at all.Only.....Oh, right. I did.Anyway, in the interim six or seven months since my last post, I got married. I'm now MRS. Anonymous Midwest Girl!Here's me, about to be married. Hi about-to-be-married me!Hey yourself, handsome. Sigh, I still love my ring. This reminds me, since she set this shot up specifically to show her branding colors, these pictures were taking by the fabulous and extremely girl-crush worthy Darbi G, with the assistance of the equally fabulous Stacy Reeves.Warning: we're bringing it, just ahead. Oh, it was BROUGHT, yo.Here's our wedding party.I know, you didn't even there there was ONE person that cool in the Midwest, much less eight of us. Well, you know now. For future reference.Here's us ACTUALLY getting married!Caption: Holy crap, did I just do what I think I just did??Here's my sister slash maid of honor giving her speech. All I heard was "blah blah blah most beautiful bride blah blah blah." Just kidding. Although I'm sure that was in there somewhere. In reality it was a perfect toast involving The Princess Bride.Aww, isn't my husband cute? Squee! I love him! Sorry, got caught up in the newlywed bliss zone there. Please don't puke on your computer.Here's our best man announcing to the world that AMBF (now AMH?) doesn't know how to do his own laundry.Sadly, it's true.Our first dance, where we somehow overcame history and did not trip over each other.Then there was a lot of drinking and dancing. And dancing and drinking.And.Of course.The traditional wedding s'mores.We've now lived happily ever after for two months. Now just 600 or so to go....P.S. In case you're wondering, I kept that NKOTB wallpaper up until just a few months ago, when I replaced it with an Obama victory one. Sometimes, though, when I've had enough hope, I kind of miss Joey's smoldering face in the morning.[...]



To warn you, although this post does involve iPhone-ness, the title of the post has nothing to do with anything. I just thought it was kind of funny. In retrospect, not so much.

Anyway, I got an iPhone. It's okay. Actually I love it, but a couple things irritate me. And since Apple does not take kindly to unsolicited advice regarding their devices, I am posting them here. If you know someone who knows someone, you know, pass it on.

1. Apple squeezing you for every dollar you have.
I went to plug the phone into my car so I could listen to music during a drive, only to discover that the audio output jack thingy didn't work with it. It fit into the little hole, but it wasn't a good fit and nothing happened. Because the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting a different result, I took it to work and tried plugging it into my work speakers with, predictably, the same result. I went to the Apple store and found out that the audio output hole is sunk into the iPhone a bit, so normal audio jacks won't work for it; they're too short. So you have to buy a modifier. Which Apple is HAPPY to supply you. For a fee.

2. You can't save individual text messages.
On my old phone, if I wanted to save a specific text message, I could just lock it. I could delete all the other messages from that person, or even all the other text messages period. But with the iPhone, it saves it as an ongoing conversation, kind of like MSN Messanger - except with IMs, you can copy and paste a message and save it that way. And you can't do that with the iPhone. The only way to save an individual message is to save the entire conversation with that person, back from the very first text you sent or received from them. So I respectfully request that they let you save an individual text message and/or give the ability to email a text message. Similarly, you can't forward a text like you can on a regular phone. WANT. Oh, and you can't text a picture. WTF?

3. Um. Well, that's really it for now. But the text message thing really is irritating, because I am one of those damn texters.

4. Ha! I lied. I want the iPhone to support Flash applications as well.

5. Now done.

6. You didn't really believe me, did you? I do miss one-touch redialing.

7. And no video. Just still pics.

The end.

For NOW...(cue ominous music)...


Nazis Were Breastfed.


After noting the "La Leche League" bumper sticker on the car next to us:

Dub: "What's the La Leche League?"
Scott's Girl: "Oh, man, they're scary. They're like crazy Nazi breastfeeders."
Scott: "They breastfeed Nazis?"

To be fair to Scott, this was funnier when it actually happened. Scott's delivery doesn't translate well to blogging.

HOLY CRAP! A post! I know, right??


I've been avoiding posting here, because all I have to blog about is:

1. Wedding planning. Boring to anyone but the bride. And even usually to her.

OMG! What color scheme should I choose? Merlot and chocolate or apple green and chocolate? Or should I go with my original thought of garnet, tangerine, and chocolate?? Why does everything involve chocolate??? And if the bridesmaids wear chocolate, what color vest and tie should the groomsmen wear, because I am not a big fan of black tuxes and brown????

No, seriously. That's an internal struggle I've been having that should be shared with NO ONE.

2. How much I hate my job.

Answer: It's a lot. Like, so much so that I was driving on the interstate the other day and thought, "Hmm...if I 'accidentally' drove off this on ramp, I'd probably have to go to the hospital for at least a few days. That'd be some good time off work...."

3. How insanely jealous I am of one of my best friends, Dub. Who is currently GROWING HER VERY OWN TINY HUMAN BEING.

And how selfish and petty I feel for being jealous of her. Don't get me wrong, I'm crazily happy for her and am LOVING semi-experiencing this pregnancy with her, but every time I see her cute baby belly I want to cry. And to top it off, two of her other best friends are also pregnant and due pretty much the exact same minute as she is, so on top of the baby jealousy I feel left out as well. And to top that off, she can't be in my wedding because of the baby, so I am obviously five, as I thought: "She gets a baby, and I don't even get her as a bridesmaid? Not fair. Whaaaaaahhh." God, I'm awesome. Awesomely LAME.

4. Photography.

I loves it. And want to quit my real job and do it full-time. I'm trying to get myself in a place right now where I might be able to realistically do that next year, so fingers crossed. I have a photography blog of my very own and post about it over there. So if you are so very bored and want to read more, you can head on over. However, be warned that since it's, um, "professional" that you will not receive my trademark sense of humor and sarcastic wittiness. Although, to be fair, you didn't really receive that over here all that much either. You can't miss what you don't have!

Pretty, Pretty!


I love you Chris and can't wait to marry you!





Everybody love the sexy mustard!


I really love Halloween. I have fun dressing up and decorating the house and it combines two of my favorites - giving things to people (good things, I try not to give out STDs or the flu) and kids so freaking cute you could die.

So another Halloween has come and gone, and I have to say, well done! I was a little wary about the giving out of the candy this year and the universe proved me wrong. Last year it was all grabby kids, no "thank-you"s, teenagers who couldn't even pretend to dress up, and the new "my little brother is at home sick so I'm getting candy for him too, can I have two?" scheme that the kids had going. But this year I think they had mandantory manners classes at school or something, because everyone took only one piece, and everyone was dressed up, and everyone said thank you, and not one kid tried to scam me out of more candy!

Riley dressed up once again as Batman-Dog and was a big hit with the kids, although after the first few trick-or-treaters came by and he figured out he was getting neither playtime nor candy out of anyone he kind of lost interest and just sat at the top of the steps looking forlorn. That may have also been the costume. Apparently the animals don't appreciate the dressing up as much as the humans do. And I did have one "awww" moment when a little boy saw Riley and started to back up, and his mom stepped in and explained he was afraid of dogs. But then Riley sat down and the little boy exclaimed, "Oh! Mom! It's not a dog! It's Batdog! I'm not scared of Batdog!" and proceeded to pet him. His mom was shocked; apparently he's never touched a dog before. Well played, Riley, well played.

From the Files of the Obvious


"You will be happy upon receiving good news."

Um, fortune cookie? No shit. That's generally how it works. Good news = happiness. I don't generally receive good news and fall to my knees in despair and rent my clothes in sorrow. Can you even pretend to come up with an actual fortune for me rather than stating a known equation?

IQ is slipping away....


Oh, god, someone please stop me. I am watching "High School Musical 2" and I can't tear myself away from it. This is not good.

Look, Shiney Movey Things!


1. Yesterday I parked next to a person who had nine ribbon magnets for various causes on their trunk, only one of which was the ubiquitious yellow "Suppor Our Troops" one. I had an inexplicable urge to arrange them in rainbow order (ROY G. BIV, holla!). I fought it, but barely.

2. In a hurry to get out of the gas station the other day, I apparently didn't tighten the gas cap all the way. Which caused my check engine light to come on. Which, considering I have spent a decent amount of money fixing things on my car in the not-too-distant past, caused a great deal of alarm. Somehow it didn't cross my mind that something as innocent as a loose gas cap could - or would - make the light come on. However, I am so on top of things that when I had to get gas again this morning, the light was still on, as I hadn't taken it in yet (figuring it was still driving without making any terrible noises). I saw the loose gas cap and thought, "There is no way in hell that would cause the check engine light to come on because that would be asinine and I know it costs like $70 just to get the check engine light diagnosed, and surely there is NO WAY one would be charged $70 for a loose gas cap." So I made sure to tighten it and of course, when I started the car again, the light was off. That. is. stupid.

3. September 20 through 23, I will be in Vegas with AMBF and my good buddies Dub and Magnum DI. Don't bother clicking Magnum's link, he hasn't posted since April because he's a douche. AMBF and I went to Vegas together in December with my family, and I've been twice for work. Dub and Magnum have been there twice together, once with her family and once with his, and I think Dub went for her 21st birthday, maybe with her mom. I might be making that up. Anyway, it will be my first trip there with friends and it should be fun. We're spending a weekend, which should be just enough time to grab one of those big yard-high drinks and wander the streets, lose some money gambling, go to Penn & Teller (love them) and maybe see some boobs. Like boobs that you pay for, not just random drunk old ladies flashing you on the street like last time.

I am a total ass.


I'm pretty retarded quite often. And hopefully no one takes offense to me using that word, because in reality, I'm actually being quite retarded.

Like today. A while ago a new fast food restaurant went up in our neighborhood. And every once in a while we'd drive by and I'd comment, "Hmm, sometime we'll have to try that restaurant." Today someone told me that said new restaurant is one of their favorite fast food places. And I re-told this story to AMBF, reiterating the fact that we should try it sometime.

He replied, "Yuck."

"How do you know? Have you been there before?"

"Yeah. Several times."

And before I even had the logical thought of "Dude, if it's yuck, why have you gone several times?", I'm thinking, WHAT? You went to a new restaurant without consulting me? Don't you know that you must check in with me before doing ANYTHING IN LIFE because I might want to do it too? How dare you stop at a very convenient restaurant that is exactly on your way home from work to eat on days when I was gone at school until very late? Here I was waiting to try the restaurant with you so we can enjoy an experience together, only to find out you are off discovering new restaurants and new shops and new cities and probably new planets and life forms. And I was getting quite bitter about it.

Because I am an unreasonable asshole. I need to be punched in the face.

Luckily this was all over IM (instant messaging for you un-hip folks) so as long as I don't tell anyone about my unreasonable assy-ness, he'll never know.

Is it wrong that this makes me totally adore Alex Trebeck?


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Why I've Been Away. And The Answer is Surprisingly Not Booze.


Note: This probably doesn't mark the beginning of regular posting again. I know, I know...collective sigh of disappointment. Wait, what? That sounded a little more like a sigh of RELIEF. Hmpf to you.

I've been crazy, madly, deeply busy the past few months. I've always loved photography, and a little while ago I decided to pursue it in a more career-related fashion. I started taking photography classes (in addition to pursuing my business management degree, which I've been doing for the past, oh, two hundred years) and interning with local photographers who I admired. I've been creating a website (not done) and portfolio and pricing lists and real, grown-up business type things. In addition to working my regular full-time job.

In an ideal world I'd be a kindergarten teacher during the day (long-held dream occupation) and a photographer nights and summers. In that world I'm also two inches shorter and 30 pounds lighter, but strangely my boobs are the same size. Also, I have Ariel's hair.

So you can blame my newest obsession for taking my time away from you. My three readers (that figure includes my grandma).

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Where's a Stork When You Need One?*


If it was possible to get knocked up through sheer willpower, I'd now be simultaneously carrying the babies of Barack Obama and Jon Stewart.

*I bet sells storks.

I Am Pretty Much a Professional Mechanic.


AMBF: Hey, what happened to that awful noise your car was making?
Me: Oh, I fixed it.
AMBF: Really? When? Where did you take it?
Me: This morning. And I did it myself.
AMBF: No kidding? How?
Me: I turned the radio up.

Amazon, Amazon, Is There Anything With Which You Can't Provide Me?


This is probably the oddest banner ad I've ever seen. An advertisement for elk meat would be a bit strange in and of itself, but the use of the word "carcass" is downright bizarre. And faintly unappetizing.


I'm relieved that they specified this was a NEW elk carcass. GOD KNOWS I WOULDN'T WANT A USED ONE.

For the curious, when you click the ad you are taken here. I recommend reading the reviews for a bit of a chuckle (although these are nowhere near the scope and hilarity of the milk reviews), and also be sure to click to view the full-sized image (or just click here), because who doesn't love a glistening meat shot?

Omaha, This 40-Degree Weather Isn't Doing A Lot to Win Me Back.


It's over. Done. Finito. It was actually over two days ago, but until today the pain of such a tragic loss was still to great to blog about it. Even now, looking at these pictures brings a tear to my eye. Oh, SXSW. Oh, Austin. My dear, sweet Austin. Austin, with your warm weather, your amazing people, your fried pickles. It was great while it lasted. I'll be back soon, I promise.


Click above picture to be taken to the Flickr album (pictures in reverse chronological order).

Head over to Dub's blog for a great round-up of the trip. I might steal her format and make some lists of my own, but no promises. This blog is full of empty post promises, and I don't want to do that to you again. I gave up making empty post promises for Lent. Magnum DI and Scott also both promise to have recaps up at some point, but I wouldn't put too much stock in their words either. Just look at Scott: he promised to write more "this weekend" two weeks ago, and he's got nothing.