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Preview: Old Horsetail Snake

Old Horsetail Snake

I am a mere 78 years old, and I have escaped from The Old Folks Home. I am living with a beautiful woman in Wilsonville, Oregon. Ain't no flies on me!

Updated: 2017-09-24T01:35:48.670-07:00


That's So Right...I Am Bummed Once More


This will have to hold you. I am sick again. One buttcrack will suffice, will it not?+ + + + + + + +Well, I writ that by hand not so very long so go. More than one week, I declare. Now I am not so sick. What I was sick of we are not sure, but it probably had to do with a shift in medication. as you know, I am on more than 30 pills per day, but some are duplicates. I am not looking for an equal

Whoa Back!


I have been wonderin' how to get to here. Holy schluck muck.It is not everybody who can do this.I will keep trying. Hang in there, buds.......Ol' Hoss(Computer probs, and maybe brain probs.........)

Maybe There's a Rabbit Hereabouts


Lookum!! I findum Br'er Rabbit,finally at last!! Hoo boy, has this been a struggle buddy. * + + + + + + + + *If you see, or hear, or taste a rabbit today, you will have good luck all month long. So far I have not done any of those, so you know I am shit out of luck rabbit for not having good luck this month.+ + + + + + + +Question: Who invented fractions?Answer: Henry the l/8.+ + + + + + + +A

Where Have I Been? And You, Too


Holy, Moley....I been steppin' in dung over here. I think I got things all fixed, but who knows? I got this new computer, and it doesn't like me much. Howsomever, I am going to give it a day or two and let's see.......+ + + + + + + +Last I left off, I was trying to arrange a photo for this page. So let's see how that went......No dice. So......+ + + + + + +A wife was making a breakfast of fried

Yes, There Really Was a "W"


But before war with Iraq, tax cuts for the rich, pardons for the rich, and rich foods for the rich, a fella named "W" actually passed this way through the White House. So let's have one last laugh at W's expense with some of our favoriteBushisms:+ + + + + + + +"I know how hard it is to put food on your family.""The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur.""I own a

Whereinell Did My Bunny Go?


Three men were sitting together talking about how they had given their new wives duties. Terry had married a woman from America and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their home. He said he had to repeat this for a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were

Nurses Don't Laugh


So, once upon a time (again) there was this fella who had free a park....where the children played....and he had a, hell, you know the rest.  They got wedded and lived happily ever after.  Pshaw.... + + + + + +  + + Nurses aren't supposed to laugh, she told him. He had come in with a penis problem, and she told him that in 20 years as a professional nurse she had never

For This I'll Pay


CHAPTER 1 Once upon a time a guy asked a girl: "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "No!" So the guy lived happily ever after and rode motor cycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted. THE END Maybe I should 'splain what happened to my last blog. I got some keys stuck is

When You and I Were Dung, Maggie


(Shown below is what is purported to be an actual  letter that was sent to a bank by an 86-year-old woman.   The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the NY  Times.) Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing  my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber  last month.  By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheek

I'll Be Comin'Round de Lan0tern


Lowell has don5 *nd wen* h2ve compumk5 plo...... I be back #ompu Surely

Where Civilization Might End


This woman was invited out the other night for some "fun with the girls. " She told her husband she would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down really smooth. About 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, she headed for home. Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably he'd probably wake

Some Things Is Prettier Than Forever


This picture, above, was taken recently on the Idaho-Washington border.  It's pretty pretty.  The picture below, also taken on the Ida-Wash. border is termed "the rarest of all naturally occurring atmospheric phenomena."  It was visible for about an hour, says my buddy, Richard.He adds, "Clouds have to be cirrus, at least 20 kilometers in the air, with just the right amount of ice crystals, and

Maybe I Told You This.....


Once upon a time (1970's) I was a speechwriter for the late Gov. Tom McCall. This does not seem to impress people. Why not? Well, for example, they ask if I wrote this: "Come visit us again and again. This IS a cool, green vacationland. But don't come here to live...."Isn't that neat? Here is a state governor dis-inviting people to live here. He took a lot of heat from the home folks, but

Nobody Knows the Trouble.....


First thing you know, they will be after those things that make horse apples. I just hate it when things go wrong.+ + + + + + + +There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would

It Can't Be Done, Rilly


Wouldn't it be wonderful if somebody actually made a mobile phone that didn't have all those bells and whistles? And didn't have on it the words that say "Your call is very important to us?" Bitch.... + + + + + + + + This can't be real unless you believe in cellphone reality. Or, maybe, if you believe in justice: + + + + + + + + A young boy went to his father and asked, "Dad, what is the

Soo-ey! Soo-ey!! Pig-Pig-Pig....


I finally ran into ol' Feelgood Haines the other day.  He tells me he has bought hisself one of them little, pot-belly pigs.  For no good reason, he says -- it's just because hardly anyone else has got one.  He says its name is "Stinky" when he's out playing in the yard, but he calls it "Ballpoint" when its in the sty. I asked him, "How come and why do you need two different names for one lousy

I Already Showed Off My Rabboon


Whee!  Ring-Around-the Rosie....+ + + + + + + +A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password -- something he will need to log on.The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.  So, when the computer

I Got Me Some Word Play


                                               Maybe This Is Woe? Several aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first seminar on emotional extremes.                                                    "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to one student, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student. "And the opposite of depression?"

You Ain't Scarin' Me Some


To save the economy in 2009, which it already is, the U.S. Government will start deporting all the weird old people. I started cryin' when I thought of most of you. Run, my friends, RUN!! (Well....what can I say? Someone sent it to me! And I ain't goin' alone.) + + + + + + + + I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now, and

A Short Version of World History


What can I say?  It's Rabbit! Rabbit! time -- when you show your rabbit and say your Rabbit!! Rabbit!! and then you have good luck all month long!  Hoo-boy. + + + + + + + + For those of you who slept through World History 101, here is a condensed version. Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and

I Hope She Has the Time


A New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible ocean storm. They found themselves stranded on a desert island, and after awhile they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beatiful cirrus clouds. The breeze was warm and gentle, a perfect night for romance. And the sheep started looking better

Get 'em One at a Time


It is hard to know if I have a measle.  There is this angry-looking blotch on my chest-bone that looks like I have the measles.  But there is only one blotch, so my brain is wondering:  How can you have measles when there is only one measle? If you get scarlet fever twice do you have scarlet fevers, or have you had scarlet's fever?  Or was that roseola (roseolas?).  Or rubella/rubellas?

He's Seen Better Days


                                Right after Santa's last stop..... + + + + + + + + My favorite phrase today is bah humbug.

He Knows How to Lose His Load


And the Blonde Knows Her Stuff As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up.  She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."  The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the blonde catches up again. 

And a Merry Ribbit to You


Exhaustion hits everyone! This is one of the cuter Christmas photos going around this year.  You can have it.  Or just ignore, like I do. + + + + + + + + A guy is 80 years old and loves to fish.  He was sitting in his boat the other day when a heard a voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around and couldn't see anyone.  He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."