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True stories... only funnier.

Updated: 2018-03-17T07:39:44.184-05:00


The Answer Is Black and White


Elder Son is studying Visual Arts in college. His semester began yesterday. We had this exchange... Me: What class did you have today? He: Lighting Today was his second day of the semester. We had this exchange... Me: What class did you have today? He: (something I didn't quite hear but almost thought I did) Me: Did you say Darkening? He: No, "Marketing". Me: Oh! Well, yesterday was Lighting,

Definition, please?


What exactly *is* an asshat? Is it a hat one wears on one's ass? or Is it a hat worn on the head that resembles one's ass? In either case, it seems the person wearing the asshat is the fool, not the person who *is* the asshat. So why is it an insult to call someone an asshat? Asking for a friend.

Hips Don't Lie


Proof that clothing sizes for women make no sense: It is physically possible for me to wear underpants that are Size 8 inside jeans that are Size 4.

Professional Wrestler


My new co-worker wrestles professionally on the weekends. We had this getting-to-know-you conversation... Me: When you wrestle, do you wear a costume? He: No. Just tights and boots. Me: He: Me: I'm sorry. If you're wearing boots and tights, that's a costume. He: Yeah, I think you're right.

Gifts 2017


The Husband and I are doing our gift exchange differently this year.  We realized that gift giving has been getting trickier every year because the things we'd like to give each other are the kinds of things the receiver kind of needs to pick out for him/herself. Example: The Husband wants a jack knife. But I can't buy that for him because he wants a particular style would be difficult for me to

A Story with a Happy Ending


I met "Martin" about three years ago in a public relations class during my second semester of college when I was still dealing with self-esteem issues relating to being a really old woman in college. Martin was the very last person to arrive for the fully-booked class, and the only empty seat was in front of me, so I could not NOT take notice of him. But the reason I remember meeting Martin that



Family game night. Elder Son:  I'd like to play either Uno or Sorry! Me:  I'd like to play SorryNotSorry. Elder Son:  That's pretty much what the game *is*, isn't it? Me:  It was a hashtag before there were hashtags.



The discussion was about social media apps, and I decided to be funny. Me: I thought Tumblr was Tinder for people trying to find other people who love beverages. He: You mean, like, a dating app for alcoholics? Me: Yes. He: I'd use it.

Campus Hijinks with Younger Son


Younger Son and I are students at the same university. No, we do not commute together. No, we do not stop and chat on campus.  We learned early that a) he does not want to look like he needs to hang out with his mother, and b) I do not want to look *like* someone's mother. So, we just don't. We do cross paths once in a great while.  Usually, we make eye contact, Younger Son looks briefly

When in Wisconsin...


Walking toward the fairgrounds entrance ahead of us is a couple dressed in matching bib overalls.  He is wearing a baseball cap, and she is wearing a straw hat and carrying a straw tote bag. I say to The Husband, "Sometimes I think city people buy costumes to wear to Wisconsin." The Husband sees the couple and nods.  "As if it's part of the event.  Like they're playing along and adding to the



$1.69 for 5 oz. of yogurt. It's pretty average yogurt. Nothing special. It makes more sense to imagine paying $1.69 for the glass container and getting free yogurt.

Late Night Laundry


When you decide you've been up too late and are finally looking forward to going to bed, but then you remember you still have laundry in the washing machine, and you can't leave it until tomorrow because you've already let it set too long and rewashed it more than once today and there's a pair of slacks in this load that you need to wear tomorrow. ::sigh::

Two Word Movie Review - The Dark Tower


Here are your two words: "Two Stories" No, this doesn't refer to how tall the Dark Tower is. These two words let you know that the movie, based on the Stephen King "Dark Tower / Gunslinger" books, is a completely separate story from the 7-book series. Sure, you have Roland the Gunslinger, Walter the man in black, and Jake the boy from New York.  There's also one creepy ass house. And yeah,



Sh! I'm on the phone with a library... having a job interview right now. *** I think it went very well. They'll contact me by the end of next week to let me know if I get to advance to the next level or not. **UPDATE** I was blessed to advance to an in-person 2-3 hour interview at the end of August which went very well. And then I advanced even farther to the "we're checking your references"

Two Word Movie Review - Dunkirk


Here are your two words: Three Stories This movie is three stories blended together to illustrate what happened on the beach of Dunkirk, France during World War II. I thought it was a good movie. It was not the movie I thought I was going to see. I thought the movie was going to be about the British civilians who sailed their personal seacraft to the beach and saved lives. I mean, read the

Simon('s Cat) & Garf(ield)unkel


(To the tune of "The Sounds of Silence") Hello Kitty my old friend. You've come to bother me again. Into my bedroom you come creeping. You always wake me when I am sleeping. "The food! in my cat dish is almost gone!" ::casual yawn:: Whiskers. Meow. Then silence.

The Husband's Mistress


Today's mail included a flyer from Jeep. I handed the envelope to The Husband. Me: Look.  Your girlfriend sent you a letter. He:  The Jeep is not my girlfriend.  It's my buddy. Me:  No.  The Jeep is your girlfriend.  You keep talking about taking its top off.

Library, the Sequel


So. I had a good weekend. The Husband drove up north to visit with his family today... He asked, "Is it okay if I drive up to visit my sister on Sunday?" As he followed up the question with, "You can come along," I was already replying, "Is it okay if I don't come?" And there was a little awkward silence before we both burst out laughing. I had the house to myself for several hours.  I

Karma is the BOSS!


When I met him for lunch on Thursday, I told The Husband, "The only thing I don't like about my job is my boss." Friday morning at 10 o'clock, my boss put in his two weeks' notice. Who knew I had such power?

Menopause Aerobics


Ready, ladies?  Here we go! One - two - Sweater - on Three - four - Sweater - off Again! One - two - Sweater - on Three - four - Sweater - off Feel the burn! ( The hot flash, that is.)

Because... reasons.


Growing up, my parents hosted many family get-togethers at our house.  Most of these gatherings were around Christmastime.  As the youngest of the family, my main responsibility was to arrange cookies on a plate and serve them to our guests. This is why, if I invite you to my house, chances are refreshments will be as elaborate as a plate of cookies, and no more. If a gathering requires more, I

Squirrel Tale


In our neighborhood, there's a squirrel that is missing part of its tail.  Instead of a long arching appendage, it has a short fluffy nubbin. I wonder what its story is. Was it attacked by a predator?  Did it get stuck in a trap? How did it manage to escape? How has the squirrel's life been impacted?  It seems to be able to do everything other squirrels can do, but it can't swish its tail



I do not have a problem with spiders.  I'm more likely to relocate a spider rather than crush it. However, I have a problem with the conversation The Husband and I had at 4am today: He: You'll be happy to know I killed the biggest spider I've ever seen in my life.  It was so big, I thought it was a mouse at first. Me: No.  I am not happy to know that. He: But it's dead. Me: But it might have

The Ironic Makeup Applicator


Contents of travel kit: 1. Fold up toothbrush 2. Mini tube of toothpaste 3. Half dozen cotton swabs 4. Sample size makeup remover wipes 5. Sample size hair gel 6. Combo brush/mirror compact 7. Deoderant 8. Razor I keep this travel kit stocked and stored in the linen closet so I can grab it at a moment's notice and rush out the door on an unplanned road trip, like the one I took last

Two Word Movie Review - Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2


Here are your two words: "Father's Day" Not a spoiler; I don't think it's a secret, and you won't be surprised anyway to find out that we meet Starlord's dad in Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2. The theme of fatherhood is threaded through the entire movie all the way to the very last bonus scene at the end of the credits.  (Not that bonus scene, the next one.  No no, not that one either, the