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"All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring." Chuck Palahniuk

Updated: 2016-09-08T07:24:27.763+03:00


I'm back


hi y'all, not sure anyone cares but this is the first day I've had off since I moved to my new place. Mike and I are over as most of you already know. I moved into a tiny place with a roommate, it's around the corner from my parents and I'm very happy about that. It's also 10 minute walk from work so I'm saving a lot of $. Mike is homeless right now, staying with friends, so I got the computer he was supposed to take. For now, I'm back :)

This is hard though. Have to keep reminding myself that I made the right choice. I miss Mike but not the Mike I broke up with, the one I fell inlove with 5 years ago. And we all know that gut is gone. I feel ok most of the time, my friends are all around me and wont let me get too sad. I overreact a lot, someone says the wrong thing and I fall apart... I hate that... I have to give myself some time. Catch my breath...

Boxing Day


Hi all. Here I am. Here it is.

That sunday I wrote last, I hurt my back at work. Was okay the rest of the day but woke up monday and I couldn't move. I managed to go to the bank and pay rent but was in so much pain I called work to tell them I'm not coming. I sent Mike a txt telling him I paid rent and I'm staying home, turns out he was sleeping at Viki's and had the day off. So Viki called me later to ask how I was doing and Mike was just waking up, he asked if I wanted him to come over, he knows since i've been a kid I get very anxious when I'm sick or dissabled. So he came over and I asked if he was going to stay and he said he wanted to stay that night and see how things go if that's okay. He's been home since.

It's not perfect but we're both trying. We had a nice Christmas with our friends although we're totaly broke now because of that. I'm up and down, sometimes I'm optimistic and sometimes I feel like it's never going to work because the same thing will happen again next year... But I'm going with the flow, waiting for things to get better. He's not drinking as much and even if he does I try not to overreact. He finally went to the doctor, new psychiatrist for his bi-polar meds, turns out our insurance can now cover the cost and he did it on his own. cross your fingers...

Another thing. I wanted to go back to school and finish what I started 5 years ago but it looks like I wont be able to because of money issues. I'm really disapointed but I'm thinking instead I'll finally get my drivers license and start school again in the fall. They also have a summer class I'll look into.

I don't know what's going to happen yet but I do know I'm not going to neglect myself like that again, I have to keep investing in myself even if doenst fit with his feelings. I love him but I'm sick of hating myself. I need to take care of me and if he gets in the way of that then... sorry.

Day 7


Sorry I didn't update more..

Tuesday I called and yelled and told hime to come get his shit. Hoped he would do something to stop me but he didn't.

We talked last night, it started like a break up talk, he said he doesn't want to do this to me anymore, said he made me miserable and he couldn't live with that. I told hime not to make this about me, told him if he doesn' want to be with me anymore, just admit it. We talked more and I told him I didn't mean to break up with him on the phone tuesday, I really thought he was going to stop me. We decided to talk more today or tomorrow. I sent him a txt message before, asked if he was ever coming home, he said he's still deciding.

more later... too tired to write...

Day 2


Have the day of today and was going to take off to Tel Aviv for a night to get away and spend some time with Edwin. Wasn't up for it at all. I sleep fine but I'm tired all the time... So I decided to treat myself a little and went to the supermarket, got me some comfort food. Had a really good lunch and I'm going to the Taklit tonight for a couple of beers. Not too many though, been drinking way too much.

Mike and I spoke yesterday and today, mostly technical stuff, what he's doing, where he's sleeping. Last night I went out with Ariane for drinks and talk and we met him, we hugged and talked a bit, he was sober. Today was harder to talk to him, I really feel like I've been dumped. I've been there for him all this time, stayed even though I wanted to leave so many times, and he just left... Just doesn't feel right.

Anyway, I'm trying to figure myself out also. I realized that right now I'm too passive. If he comes back I'll probably say ok, if he wants to break up I'll probably say ok too... I don't know wha I want out of this. I know I can't go on like I did. Him getting drunk every night, disappearing for hours, I can't take it anymore.

Thank you guys for listening... I'm trying to take care of myself, been taking care of him for so long it's strange, but I'm trying...



I was waiting to have something to say. Didn't want to write a bitching post that wouldn't make sense. Friday early morning Mike came home, drunk again and we got into a fight because I yelled at the cat and he thought I was ylling at him. He punched a hole into my Ikea coffee table. Friday was horrible. I went to work and cried most of the day. We had a kind of conversation through text messages, he apologized, I got mad... Anyway he called and said he going through something, he doesn't even know what it is but all he wants to do is drink instead of dealing. Said we need to talk and he's getting off work around 2am but he has work early in the morning.

I was pretty sure I was getting dumped. I went out with Nir and Viki and got totaly drunk, can't remember the last time I was this drunk. He showed up and I yelled at hime, told hime if you want to break up grow some fucking balls and do it. he didn't say anything, Viki talked to him a bit.

Today he came home from work and said he needs to figure himslef out, needs to get away so he can think straight. He took a bag and packed a few things, went to stay at his friend's house for the week and he'll call me this weekend. He sent me a text a few minutes ago, said " Promise I'll fix me..".

So I order a pizza and made myself a cosmo and I'm watching a bunch of TV and sewing. I guess this could be a good thing, I need some time to myself too. It just sucks a lot right now and I'm still pretty sure this is the end.

It's been 2 months since my last confession...


The truth is, for real, I couldn't deal with blogging. I'm serious. Mike and I were fighting none stop, I was in a bad place and I just couldn't talk about it. Nothing really happened, nothing major anyway, we just went through some bad times and it was mostly my fault. Maybe it was too big a change and I just overloaded. Trying to find yourself when there's someone right there with you all the time that needs you, it's not easy. Some times I just wanted to leave for a while, needing my head to myself. I'm not there yet by the way but I'm trying. We spent a week in Cyprus and that helped although we had some fights there too but nothing too bad. I'm so trying, I hope he sees that. Not easy waking up one day and realizing you've neglected yourself for 5 years because someone needed you... I always thought I knew what I wanted, turns out, not so much... Spent my whole life thinking I was a bass player, turns out I'm a drummer... private joke but you get it, right...?

Friday Night Lights


Thank you all so much for your kind words. I realized not blogging was just making it worse, I kept trying to keep it all in and had no way to let it out. I was trying to ignore everything I was feeling. I mean, why should I be anxious, I should be happy!!! Right..? But I'm better now, I think when the cardiologist told me it was stress it kinda hit me that I had to take care of it. So I went to see the good doctor Monday, the medication he gave me is helping, I'm almost back to normal. Still have a few irregular heartbeats when I go to sleep but it's a lot better. He wants me to do another test with the medication to see the change and then I have to go back. He's robably going to keep me on the beta blockers for a while. He told me again this is caused by emotional stress and I have to work it out.

One of our bartenders is in fucking Spain for 3 weeks the lucky fuck... So I have to work a few nights a week, I agreed to that, but I didn't agree to work Friday!!! I don't even come to drink at Taklit (that's the bar - hebrew for The Record) on Friday it's so crazy!!! Wish me luck, better take my heart meds before the shift LOL! Cool thing is I only start at 9:30pm so I got the whole day to do nothing. Let y'all know how it went later!

p.s. those of you on FaceBook, Taklit has a page if you wanna check it out, my camera is busted so that's the best I can do right now. Sorry...

No Excuses


Hi y'all, wouldn't blame you if you didn't give a fuck but here's a semi good reason why I wasn't around...

I'm having a lot of fun working at the bar and it's everything I wanted... and more... I started having heart palpitation and arrhythmia. My heart stops and starts again for no reason or it starts beating really fast even when I don't do anything. My mother had the same problem a few years ago, except she was about 50 when that happened..! I went to the doctor and she sent me to do a bunch of tests and see a cardiologist. the first thing she asked was if I was under a lot of stress lately... So I did the tests, ultrasound didn't show any problem and the second test, a 24 hour heart monitor was fun. Except 3 days after I did the test my doctor called me, on my cell to tell me I have to see a cardiologist as soon as possible. Now I was already having a bad day so you can imagine... I was at the bar when she called, alone thank god, I started crying like a baby. So I went to a cardiologist last week and he told me it was stress and anxiety, he gave me some medication that's not helping, I'm going back Monday for another test... Everyone keeps saying I'll be fine but I'm still worried, I know, I should calm down, that's the point...

I know I made a big change and I have to take it slow... Mike and I were going through a rough time lately but I think we worked it out. Still... I managed to give myself a heart condition by freaking out... I don't know, I am happy when I think about it, I guess it's just a lot to take all at once, I did kinda let myself go at my other job and didn't really have a life.

So I'm sorry I wasn't around, I'll write more, seems I need to get some things of my chest. Maybe if I talk about it more it'll help :)

But I'm Happy, Damn It!


1. I'm a bad blogger but - I hate my computer, which is the main reason why I don't blog so much anymore, I need a new one bad!!!

2. Crazy Sis is owning her name, she now believes we're plotting to kill her. No joke, she called her dad and told him Mike and their mom are going to kill her... This has nothing to do with the fact she's off her meds and shacking up with a drug dealer in the worst town in Israel... yeah. Mescaline and bi-polar dissorder go so well togther!

3. Saturday both my pub and Mike's restaurant are having parties and I really don't want to go to his thing... mostly coz I love the people I work with but also coz I don't love the people he works with.... Don't tell him! I think we'll have to start there and then go to mine.

4. NIN is on tour and I'm jealous...

5. I know y'all told me it was normal but I really need to calm down, I had a fucking meltdown last week and I don't even know why... major self-confidence crisis... and everything is going so great... It's like my mind refuses to get with the program and feel good about everyhting already. Working in the shit hole before was like the devil you know, didn't expect much. I guess now I feel like I have something to lose.

I'm Alive!!!


1. Sory about disappearing. I've been getting used to the new schedule and not spending 8 hours a day in front of the computer. BTW - my keyboard at home sucks and I need a new one!

2. I love my new job so much! I'm not kidding - I'm having so much fun it's ridiculous. No more policy crap, I work with AMAZING people and get to talk about music, art and books all day. I have bruises on my arms from carrying shit and my knees and feet hurt and I'm so fucking happy!

3. WTF moment of the day right here. Whatever you say man... Coz there's no rats on our side of the city... God, I saw one the other day coming out of the open market that could kill a small dog.

4. Cut my hair really short!!! I needed to change another thing, what's wrong with me? Anyway, I'll try to get pics but my camera died :(

5. Question - it's normal to feel insecure in times of change right...?

Missed y'all so much!!!



Still can't believe I don't work in hell anymore... Let me tell y'all, I don't miss it at all, big surprise hu? I started my new job yesterday, I tend bar at The Record that's owned by some friends of mine, they decided to start opening earlier in the day and thought of me, don't know why, I always thought they hated me. I work downtown, takes me 20 minutes to get there instead of an hour and a half! I get to work with people I like, listen to music all day and I'm home by 10pm! Only thing is it's not a lot of money so I might have to find something extra to do. But, it's a start and since my ultimate goal is to have my own pub and restaurant, it's a step in the right direction. No?

Let's talk about something else for a second. Israel has been blessed lately, the food channel started showing 30 minute meals, you know Raeachaeaeal Ray. WTF is that?! Those recipes are HORRIBLE! It's like watching a 30 minute car crash! And I can't turn it coz I keep wanting to see how bad it'll get! I was just watching it now and she made a Korean BBQ with sauerkraut and sweet and sour sauce! This woman should not be allowed near food! And I'm nt even going to star about how annoying she sounds... How did she get so famous? I know what you're thinking, French people are so stuck up about food, and you're right! Me, I like everything, really! I'm not that kind of French, I swear. This shit, however, needs to stop... And she's going to have Gordon Ramsay on her show? She better watch it, he was probably sent by the French culinary institute to smoke her...

It's not me, it's you


Things at work are getting so ugly I’ve been holding off posting because I knew it would just be a whole lot of bitching about work shit. I actually almost cried before leaving for work today. Altogether 12 people that I know of quit because of the pay cuts and our manager is taking this personally and making our lives hell. He’s now trying to make me stay an extra 11 days, too bad he signed my resignation letter that says my last day is June 30th, put that in your pipe and smoke it, bitch!

A local newspaper is running an article about our company. Goes a little something like this – “…future uncertain after hundreds of layoffs… the Jerusalem office, has lost an average of $4 million a year since its opening in 2002… …client confidence is starting to fall off… …confirmed that several clients had withdrawn their business recently… …CEO went overboard, and did irreparable damage…” you get the picture, this ship is sinking and I’m the fuck out of here!

I’m realizing how much of the stress in my life is related to working in this place. I started noticing it about 6 months ago which is when I started thinking of leaving. I’ll spare you the list but it’s long. I called in sick yesterday and was amazed at how happy I was just not being here. Anyway, no more work bitching!

Oh, RIP George Carlin – that really sucks…

Update – HR just informed me I can leave on June 30th – phew!

WTF Moment of the Day


"Death Magnetic. Metallica is actually trying to get people excited for an album named Death Magnetic. Kill 'Em All, Ride The Lightning, Master Of Puppets, ...And Justice For All, Death Magnetic?"

Seriously…? Death Magnetic…? Is it like magnetic death? Like death from a magnet? Like, I got hit by a magnet and now I’m dead? I don’t get it, someone explain it to me!

Half Full


I know I wont have steady paycheck but here’s a few reasons why I’m (so fucking) happy I’m leaving my current job:

1. No more having to leave the house two hours before my shift to catch a bus.
2. No more driving through ugly, dirty and depressing ultra orthodox neighborhoods to get to work.
3. Not getting home at five minutes to midnight every night.
4. No more Mrs. Bitch.
5. No more cubicles, endless rows of cubicles...
6. No more sitting on my ass 10 hours a day.
7. No more having a headset strapped to my head 8 hours a day.
8. No more wearing my reading glasses 8 hours a day.
9. No more looking over my shoulder every time I want to check Facebook.
10. No more internet censorship.
11. No more feeling like the world, my life and everything else is passing me by.
13. Never seen certain people EVER again.
14. No more fluorescent lights.
15. Not sitting next to the guy that farts all day anymore.
16. Not missing birthdays, weddings, family reunions because I didn’t ask for a day off 4 week in advance.
17. Seeing the sun set.
18. No more freezing in the summer and sweating in the winter because the AC is a piece of shit.
19. No more dress code (it’s 37c I’m wearing a fucking tank top you fucking fascists).
20. No more watching my language! Well, as much.
21. No more ‘corporate policy’ crap.
22. No more passive aggressive emails about watching your language, dress code, religious bullshit (including dress code) and corporate policy crap.

I’m sure there’s more I’m forgetting… I’ll update later ;)

Couldn't have said it better myself...


Just gave HR my notice... This is stuck in my head for some reason :)

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So Sunday I’m reading this interview with Trent Reznor and I read this quote: “Fear has governed my life, if I think about it, I don’t even know why I’m saying this in an interview situation, but I always feel like I’m not good enough for some reason. I wish that wasn’t the case, but left to my own devices, that voice starts speaking up.”

The first thing I thought of was how does someone who’s done so much say that he’s governed by fear? Most of us will die dreaming of doing a fraction of what this guy has accomplished.

The ‘not good enough’ thing I get, 100 percent, that’s me. I’m never good enough no matter what. But I’ve always seen myself as fearless. I think that was only in certain areas. I was never afraid of what I felt, good or bad. I was never afraid of others challenging who I was. But in my professional life, yeah I guess I am afraid.

My parents (love them to death) are very negative people, the attitude around the house is that no matter what you do you’ll never be happy. Life’s a bitch and then you die. And growing up with this mentality fucks you up. So yeah, I never went to college (took a few courses and stopped), I never had a job I loved, never took a chance.

We’re getting closer to the date. July 1st is when I have to tell my boss I’m not staying, not taking the pay cut. Since last week I’ve been having a few doubts, maybe I should stay, maybe I’ll fail miserably and come back to the company begging for a job. The thing is, I can stay, they’ll be happy if I stay. But that’s the point, I need to do something that scares me. I need to challenge myself.

I remember reading in another interview with Trent that for him NIN was a way to challenge himself and to push his limits. “Nine Inch Nails was an experiment with me in discipline. I realized when I was 23 that I had never really tried anything. Schoolwork came easy to me. I learned to play piano effortlessly. I was coasting. I realized that I was afraid to really, really try something, 100 percent, because I had never reached true failure.”

WTF Moment of the Day



What exactly is this supposed to be for…?

Work Sucks, People=Shit, etc etc…


1. Been in a pretty meh mood lately things are going slow and fast, know what I mean. (I’m not on drugs, I promise)

2. We had a talk with the CEO or COO or CFO or something on Thursday, this company is going to hell fast, basically he fed us some bullshit and then announced we’re all going to have to take an 8% pay cut. According to Israeli law if there’s a worsening of work conditions you can leave with your full compensation payment – I think I’m gonna take that opportunity and cash in. I still have a month to think about it.

3. Shit-stain is living up to his name, the last time we saw Ariane she told us how his poker playing is taking over his life. One time she asked him to pay for her at the bar and he refused unless she promised to pay her back because it came out of his poker fund. Nice guy hu?

4. Thursday is the 3 year birthday party for Mike’s restaurant, it’s going to be a posh affair, they’re renting out a space at this club her in J-town. So I went shopping with my niece and got new threads and some new shoes – that was really fun. I’ve been partying way too much lately and it’s not over yet.

5. Holy shit Naama, from the last post, is fucking gone. I saw her last week and all she talked about for 40 minutes was how she called me 3 times (it was actually 2) and I didn’t answer and she thought I was angry with her. No matter how many times I apologized she kept talking about it. She also slapped me in the face (ME!) and fell into my lap demanding a kiss on the neck… WTF?!

A Bit Existential…


(image) Met an old friend of mine, Shiri, last night and we got to talk about how long we’ve known each other and how things have changed for us. Naama came up in the convo.

To make a long story short - Naama used to be my best friend about 10 year ago. Now, I don’t know why. Shiri and I were saying how we evolved personally and emotionally in the past 10 years and Naama seems to have regressed… it’s like she gave up on herself somewhere along the way. There’s no joy in her life, not even any fun. She looks and acts like a 43 year divorcee that has let herself go because there’s no hope. And she’s younger than me! She sits at the bar sipping her beer and looking tired and washed up. She talks about her job and her studies like it’s such a chore. She’ll beg you to ask for a certain song from the DJ instead of going up to him herself ‘come on please, I don’t want to go up there…’ and the sighs and the oys…

I look at all of us, we were always together, always at the same bar. Everyone was going through their own shit but we were together. These people were the first people in my life I called friends. And most of them still are my friends, Shiri, Ariane, Avi and I forget a bunch I’m sure. We all grew up in different directions but Naama kinda grew down.

As Promised


Before - (image) After -



Hey y’all! Did you miss me? I sure missed you guys! I really did!!! Lots to tell…!

1. Back to work today, the bitch grabbed my arm on the way to tell me her daughter got engaged. So either HR did nothing about my letter or they didn’t mention my name and she’s over it. I’m going for option A.

2. Have a major headache from last night. The Old Friend is moving to a new location after the city kindly asked them to move since they’re demolishing the 100 some year old building it’s located in. My friends band played their very own brand of doom/thrash/whatever metal and the crowed destroyed the place completely, since the building being demolished anyway… not my kind of music, not my kind of behavior but I was there to support. Also had 4 beers and felt nothing but tired but more on that in number 3.

3. I wanna say Rosh Pina was good but I have to be honest. I’m a million miles away lately, I can’t focus, I can’t think straight and I can’t figure out why. So it was good being out of town and spending time with Mike and away from work. But my heart wasn’t in it. My heart’s not into anything lately. I hope I didn’t ruin anyone’s fun, I don’t think I did, Mike had a great time. Maybe my expectations of this little vacation were too high. Maybe it was the PMS. Maybe it’s the letter I sent to HR right before I left. I don’t know.

4. Last Friday I met up with Ariane and we talked a lot. She’s not doing so well lately and I’m so scared of getting sucked back in I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to push too hard coz I don’t want to overload like I did before. I do want to be there for her and I hope I’m doing that. She told me about another jealous fit her dear boyfriend had over some family friend of hers… I could’ve said a million things to make her feel better and to make him look good but I didn’t. I feel kind of guilty but I wasn’t about to make him look good.

5. Tomorrow is Nir’s birthday – god, help us all. He sent everyone a text message last night saying exactly this – ‘well, my B-day is Monday so if you want to see me getting shitfaced I’ll be at the Blue Hole from around 8pm till I pass out’.

Here I Go


Happy May Day y’all! Don’t let you r bosses treat you like cattle EVER.
Since today is also Holocaust Remembrance Day I totally forgot about May Day right? So I come into the work and The Bitch comes up to me and gets in my face telling me I have to do a pre-shift meeting with my team (not telling me why) waving the meeting’s agenda in my face and telling me to tell the team members that there will be a test on this (wtf?) and they’re going to get their asses kicked if they don’t know this stuff. She used those exact words. Seriously. So I looked at her funny and took the papers. The meeting was supposed to start at 14:45 and she comes back exactly at 14:45 and starts again, I ask her what the problem is and she get even more upset, telling me she doesn’t want to make a scene (too late bitch!) so I take everyone to the conference room and like 2 people were a few seconds late and told me she snapped at them on the way in.

Now I explained this before – she is not my fucking supervisor, she’s not even on my fucking team, she can’t tell me what to do. So that was it. I told Pini form my team about a month ago that she only needs to push me so far before I do something, so I did it. I wrote a huge letter to the head of human resources about company policy regarding relatives working together on the same project. I told them what happened today and what’s been happening lately. Then I spoke to my friend who turns out is friends with the head of HR. and now I’m waiting.

I’m aware I might get fired for this. I have to say I don’t care anymore. I told a few people on my team and other teams and they said they will back me up, they’ve been waiting for someone to take a stand. So there. Made my move and now I wait.

Happy May Day to me!

Can't Get it out of my Head


I’ve been doing this a lot lately but I don’t hear y’all complaining so… besides, Jenner inspired me. I’ve been singing this for 3 days straight and can’t stop listening to it! Enjoy!


Working on it...


1. I hate blogging on Sundays, it always feels very lonely…

2. Had a couple of tearful fights and a couple of serious talks with Mike about work. One of those included him coming home around 2am. I turned on the bedroom lights and made him look in the mirror. (Thin as hell, pale, dark lines under his eyes). He finally realized what he was doing to himself and is going to talk to his boss. Cross you fingers y’all.

3. Next week – Rosh Pina!!! I can’t wait! 3 days, 2 nights, lots and lots of meat and beer! And quiet… I’m making Mike leave his phone off the whole time, I don’t think he’ll have a problem with that. We’re back Wednesday night for independence day (my favorite days of the year) which means more beer and more meat!

4. Check this! Crazy sis (who threw her husband out and doesn’t need anyone and is on her own and making a shit load of money) called Mike this morning and said she needed him to wire her 500 shekels and she can’t tell him why! LOL! And even better, when Mike said hell no she called her husband!!! He said no and asked her if she needed it to bail her new ‘friend’ (roommate she’s ‘not in a relationship with’) out and she hung up on him! This totally made my day…

5. I need a haircut BAD. I’m going Sunday and that’s it! Before and after pictures?

WTF Moment of the Day


"Row over shepherd's pie ends in court"

"After a day spent drinking, Michael Garvin cooked his brother John the traditional English dish for dinner, expecting a grateful response. John, however, voiced his disquiet that the pie was not topped with a layer of sliced tomatoes.

His brother, a chef, claimed a layer of tomatoes was not the appropriate way to finish off a shepherd's pie, and responded by hitting him over the head with a shovel. "

Coz we all know how seriously the English take their food... Oops, my French is showing, sorry about that...

Double post day! Don't forget to go listen to the new NIN below!!!