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Preview: A Girl Named Rio

A Girl Named Rio

her name is rio and she dances on the sand

Updated: 2018-03-05T16:04:14.696-08:00




I worry about you.
I worry how you wake up.
Is your head in your hands?
Do you drive out to the beach just to feel something?
Feel the sun on your back, let it burn a little.
Beads of sweat slowly trace your spine and I worry.
I worry you feel pulled apart, stretched towards something new yet tied to something old.
I worry this tug of war darkens your spirit, shadows your soul.
You have great things; a beautiful mind, a want for good, a soft kiss.
I say you're nice to me, but I worry if you're nice to yourself.
Are there bruises on your heart?
I worry if I'll be the one to help them heal.
There are no answers at the bottom of bottles, there are no answers beyond these small screens.
I'd say the answers lie beneath those bruises, lets try to find them, and worry a little less.

Smirks and Soft Smiles


The dark neighborhood smelled sweet, like candy or laundry and the satellites sparkled in the sky like stars might. And I dwelled on you, I pondered, I doted. Were you looking up at these same satellites? This same night sky and smelling something sweet; something fruit something beach? Were you smirking in the way I do when thoughts of you criss cross my mind? I like to think that as my thoughts of you engage me, maybe they reach across miles and oceans and in turn your mind goes to thoughts of me. Slowly whispering on memories made and memories yet to be made, coolly, faintly haunting you through dreams, be they dreams of the day or night variety. And maybe you too are left with soft smiles in between your realities.

Forgo The Cargo


It was one day and I thought ok
It was two and I said that’s new
When its three and four, will there be more?


How can you say nothing? Yet your silence speaks loudly, screams impatiently.
Enough now, this is enough.
How many times can you say go away until I hear you?
Why do I hang on as you ease off, push off and let go
The deepest crevice of emotion lingers where nothing ought to linger
It was nothing but the promise of everything
A promise lost between stagnant kisses and caught stares
A whisper of something more drown in your strange shuffle
A hope for wholeness based on halfness
A dream of sandy sheets and tangled legs
A wish for something deeper cast off as jetsam

Still waiting… for what? I’m not even sure anymore.

All the Fun


We have all the fun
We dance on rainbows and swing from blinking stars
We have all the fun
We dive to great depths then wrestle for air
We have all the fun
We hold hands briefly then kiss in sly alleys
We have all the fun
I laugh loudly and you stare fondly
We have all the fun
Smile, smile, smile, giggle, touch, smile
We have all the fun
We eat all the pizza and drink most of the wine
We have all the fun
I let you set the moon and I bask in its glow

We have all the fun.

Try Again


I could fall into this role easily, fall fast, fall hard, but you're so wishy-washy I am left wishing, hoping for a sign, for a signal that you too are more wish and less wash. I dance through my dreams, search through the daylight and dawn for traces of you, your scent long lost on my pillow, your voice far off like a ship out to sea. And I guess you are out to sea, out to see something, out to find yourself because you found me first and now you're lost. Lost in the unmatched rhythms that writhe through your mind at paces and syncopations no one hears but you, the ringing in your ears of loves past and unknown chaos ahead. But I think about you with fondness despite the rollercoaster of yes and no we've rocked and rode the past few weeks. My stomach leapt and came down again, rush went the wind in my face, and a thumping in my chest as we approached each hill. Try again, this time the little pieces will fit just right. No wrong puzzle. Try again this time the bits of stardust will make a sand castle. No its washed away. Try again… I’m waiting.

Don't Rush


Something smells of honey suckles and bewilderment. I lay motionless under heavy blankets to quiet my mind, but it races on at a pace matched only by my heart. We could have been everything but our pasts and futures hold us in an unsolvable limbo. We hold a mirror to eachother, our reflections are not what we imagined they would be, like a fun house distortions waver; legs stretch with tales of something like truth, smiles are swirled into frowns. If I close my eyes to sleep will I find myself in that former dream scene? Will I wake up where we were a week ago and see you to the door before it goes any farther? Save myself the exhaustion? The drama? All the things I list when faced with questions regarding my loneliness. From this vantage point it's hard to say, hard to know. All I ever wanted was to look into your eyes at dusk, say nothing and yet everything at once.

Where Hearts Get Left


This is what San Francisco feels like when the fog rolls in after a hot day. The first flourishes of cold wisp against warmed skin, a heavy mist that feels like a spreading smile. The fondness grows and the late fall heat wave falls into infamous steam.


I want to wait with you at bus stops
I want to lean on you in the rain
I want you to be mine and me to be yours
I want everything, again

Follow me down steep stairways
Crash into heavy sheets
Run past familiar haunts
Trip down those winding streets

Take everything unbroken
Build new but with a simpler core
Laugh every single day
Make the stuffs of lore


The fog blows on now, rolling and rocking over green hills, whispering through pine trees, leaving sparkling condensation on these heavy rocks. The sidewalks slick, the streets slicker under taxi cab wheels, a great whir and swish about the city blankets our hearts and clouds most judgment.

And We Jump


We jump bravely into rolling waves to find little more than soft sand scraping our knees. We smile as salt-water sprays up, white foam gives way to clear blue and we are whole again. We bob as buoys, farther out than the child in us would want to be, we bob as buoys tied together and laugh. The soothing, the cajoling, the rolling rocking of each set pushes us in and yet back out again, time is kept by each wave’s peak and yet not kept at all. Push off rough pillows of sand and find a floating feeling not unlike walking on the moon. Jump and fall easily, smile, drip, with salt and laughter. 

The Brief Moments Wherein I Might Have Loved You


We became fast friends in one night and as I lay completely clothed between you and our mutual best friend I drunkenly dreamt, “ I could love him.”

I arranged for us to meet to play arcade games once a week. You taught me to shoot deer and as I cocked the plastic gun with one hand I glared, “I could love him.”

We drank into the wee hours of the morning until I fell on your bed and you ran around town with the clink of spray paint and laughter. Though the drunken mistiness I pondered, “I could love him.”

We rolled naked in sheets and thought no one would know that when I looked at you across the kitchen every cell was smiling, “I could love him.”

Adventure after adventure we fell into a common companionship, when I looked you were there, when I needed you were there and when I laughed you were there, but I never let myself love you completely. The arm’s length that I kept you at then pushed you further into, onto someone else stretched us too far. And now I love you and it’s too late.

The Shorts and Long Of It


Even in the heat the rain feels cool on my skin, like your touch, it’s a dichotomy. The sky cracks and my shoes squeak, I walk slower. I turn up my face and close my eyes, senselessly I walk through the parking lot. Thoughts of you weigh on my mind lightly, intermittently as warm raindrops


 I am so close. I feel almost full. Just barely at capacity for love, love of the earth and its many wonders, love of my friends and their endless hope, love for those wretches that I have left and those yet to come, love for all these things and the possibility of a love I know not yet and cannot fathom. This is a teetering on drugless ecstasy and if I can fall forward I will float on clouds.


 I think about the moment you held my hand under the table and smiled at me. To date I don’t think I’ve ever felt that much electricity, unless I can’t remember touching my tongue to a socket. We ate everything and talked about anything, we drank vodka and I didn’t even remember I had a cell phone much less look at it. I was lost with you and I still am every time I think of this moment. What changed? How did we untangle?


 There’s something to be said for silence. A thought lingers in silence and changes like wisp of smoke waiting and wanting for the next sound to be made. The thought shifts to contemplate the silence and thus the silence becomes the thought.

The Same, More of Exactly the Same


You don’t get to come in here anymore, in fact you should have never been here to begin with, but you pushed in, opened doors with your smile and sweet, albeit few words. I was transfixed and fell under your spell, quickly. You had to have known, had to have seen as I fell, floated beneath you. Everyone said don’t go, it’s slippery down there but I went and I slid and slipped and now, now your smile still transfixes me in a way that makes me cry when I get home. Along the way I lost my power and as I grapple to climb out of this muck, every time I hear from you I fall a little deeper. Sinking slowly into the quicksand of unrequited like. I try to stand on the shoulders of others that mean little to nothing just to feel closer to you. I’m sure you don’t notice, you shouldn’t, for I am not alone in this quest. I am not the first and will certainly not be the last in this abyss of warm memories that you have all but forgotten. I think back to a time where you rested your head on my stomach or stroked my leg as I packed to leave you in the early city fog. You broke me, broke into the chasm that I had kept locked so tightly. I had no intention of any of this to occur and here I use the same words to describe the same thing I said I would forgo weeks ago. Here the very same meanings are mixed and jumbled to describe the simplest of things; mild heartbreak. As if such a thing as heartbreak could ever be mild.

White Rabbits Out Of Hats


You just seemed like magic, but if the trick was to leave me covered in egg, you’re a smash. You came out of nowhere with this look of reserved abandon, an animal domesticated to the ways of city life. Something bubbled underneath your skin, rippled even, at the places a body ought ripple, but few words exuded your lips. A touch here, and mild antidote there and you had me falling, following you down to the deepest depths of a fairy tale. You smelled of familiar drugs and I wanted to taste every inch, go back to old memories of losing myself for the sake of finding myself. I thought, “don’t quite let him get the recognition of these words, don’t yet let him get hold my heart, or what’s left of it.” But somehow here we are, just like those long lost wisps of choking smoke, you are at last long gone, feeling further away then you ever were close. And maybe its all made up in my mind, maybe its still sweet but just pulled a bit farther apart, maybe there is a hopefulness in your silence. But it is your silence that breaks me, incites a welling of tears, and in those brief moments I find either composure or soon remember the endless confusions that you have no fingerprint on and I lose. It should have been lighter, should have stayed the way I told everyone it was “just some fun,” but the more you pulled the more I pushed and chased and wanted for more of what you might not have even been giving. In your smile I melt and you give a look as if you know not what you do, and yet you must know, you must have always known that those glistening wild eyes would pull me in, pull me down before I could spin out of your reach and keep hold of my whittled composure.

Look Forward, Look Out


Sometimes it is as if I don’t even know you. In my own quest for elusiveness you are the one who eludes me. Like a steam in the desert you are there, all around me and yet nowhere at all. Fleeting pieces of your life rush past me like a subway train leaving hot air and everything tangled. I hear whispers of you in the dark of my room and the stark light of afternoon. You are everything to everyone and mine only in silence, behind cold closed doors. You push me away until you need me, then wonder where I have been. You answer with questions, inquire with answers, I follow blindly and we both grapple towards infinite fate. A true partnership scares you while I find fright in trust. There is a light at the end of this passage, but its so often a strobe and disorienting. When do we go back to racing through photo flares and dreams? How do we get to the future before its happening? This dream is a wish my heart has made but my mind, my often unreasonable rational is no Sandman, and these castles will be washed away come high tide.



I want to runaway with you, the thought of it makes me brim with fear and excitement. The possibilities of adventure are endless: set sail, set fire, set match, swing set. Lets runaway and hide from the world. Lets travel to places where we can kiss in the streets and dance until dawn. The cinema of our tryst now kaleidoscopic, rich rainbows of the unknown envelope our every jump and twist of fate. Lets leave behind grays and find only crimsons, azures and emeralds. Bright pinks flash below depths of blues and neon yellows drench crisp white architecture. Lets runaway and forget this reality of dredge. Lets drink in salty waters and get drunk on warm romance. Lets not come up for air until we float away in clouds of rapture.

Today I love you...


Today, more then yesterday, my soul resonates into song with yours and the sheer volume makes my being hum.

Today I love you.

Today when your eyes meet mine I am awash in a sea of affection, drowning between sighs.
Today I love you.

Today I sit idle and daydream of being nestled next you in a warm bed of down and devotion.

 Today I love you.

 Today I watched the sun rise, tilted my head ever so slightly and thought of you.

 Today I love you.

 Today I wait in want for the moment that my hand can touch yours and a pulse of electric lust will shock through us.

 Today I love you.

 Today I listen to the whispers of your voice through thin walls and smirk at the thought of your lips forming each syllable.

 Today I love you.

 Today I am moon struck and walk on an air of caffeine and sweet sugar.

 Today I love you.

 Today this glimpse of adoration glows brighter, and like a moth to a flame I am drawn towards you in blindness.

 Today I love you.

 Today a thin wind whips my mind into tangles and I am lost in a web of mere rapture.

 Today I love you.

 And tomorrow? Tomorrow I will love you, too. 

Two - 4 - One


I wait at our old haunt,  I wait for the inevitable we thought, hoped would never come. Will this be the night we say it's been enough?  I rationalize and think we've done what we could but those odds, they continued to stack against us. I let my brain lead me in matters of the heart but truly know it won't be that easy. Another night cold on the floor? Lonely days plagued by thoughts of what could have been? I hope for the best but brace for the worst, find little solace in a surge of creativity, albeit heart broken sorrows. Suck down, force down a double to lessen the blow, and hope it won't be a blow at all. Push on towards suns that set on water lined horizons, push on towards home. One stepping stone here, one stepping stone there but these stones look cold and lonely without the heat of your body next me. Let not the universe convince you we were wrong, let not the trivialities of the day make you think whats left of our forbidden love is not worth every ounce of your attention. By the time you get here to bear the bad news you'll have forced down more than a double and I'll be forced to tears fueled by  the fear that maybe its not what I thought it was at all. Maybe, just maybe this lesson has been learned dispite my yearning for further tutoring. 

Am I Even Making Sense?


You’ve pumped me with caffeine and I’m floating in the thickness of our love. We twist into a nakedness that can only be rivalled by my forgetfulness of the reality that knocks at our pastel perfect house of dreams. I can’t remember how to spell, as I picture your touch. I can’t remember how to work as I recall your scent. My typing is failing as your voice rings in my ears. The air chills outside, barely and we hold on tighter to stay warm. It’s a dream indeed and I am so drunk off our love my head is heavy as it lays on your chest. My arms are numb, my hands shaking and the crispness of my vision feels like the highest high. I ought to fear the come down but history speaks to the fact that the only thing coming down will be my body falling coolly into your plush bed and thus your warm arms. Sweet nothings will be exchanged and wisps of fervor will float amongst down feathers as the ceiling fan whips in a fury above us. I’ve lost myself, my heart, to you and I don’t wish for it to be found in the slightest.

Intermittent Thoughts


And so we find ourselves intertwined. Me sleeping sideways to get some of the warmth you left behind when you rose to prepare for an early flight. You kissed me goodbye upside down as I whispered my dreams to you. We have found a comfort in this.

We pass each other in this silent dance and your smell whispers through me. I hear your laugh through thin walls and wish to capture it in my hand just to let it boisterously rush out again like fine sand.

I sit alone and smirk at the thought of you, my body melts at the idea of your touch.

Love Would Not Be Defeated


You wake me in the night and sometimes I’m so tired I turn my head from what you want and lull back to sleep. That’s selfish and yet I need a little self in the dark and I’d rather wait for you to wake me when the dim light of dawn peers in at us through slatted blinds. We have negotiated into a fog of love, I find us jumping off cliffs into pools of aquamarine when I close my eyes and when I open them we are holding hands and smiling at each other over down pillows.

I’m giddy and nervous and scared but it feels right for right now.

Your big hand envelops mine and it seems our cocktail glasses have emptied right into my heart, I am drunkenly whole again. Minutes tick by slowly and as the remnants of our morning fade into thoughts of what our evening holds I smile, oh do I smile. This rollercoaster is trucking slowly; chuck, chuck, chuck, up towards an unknown horizon and the anticipation leaves me full of wonder. Wonder at what we will become, wonder at how your power over me can strike my helpless in an instant but your attention leaves me in a state of glory. I have given too much to you, it is obvious, but I did not claim defeat, I inquired of you with honest intentions and asked you to take this chance with me, your eager acceptance has left me in a haze but I smile, oh do I smile.

On the Brink of a Forfeit


At what point do I strike a balance and say that loving you without reciprocation is enough? It makes me feel weak, like an idiot child, and you placate me with expensive gifts when all I want is your undivided love and attention. A better choice might be to let you go, and as a man of short to no response you might not notice I’m even gone. You fill voids with girls and gadgets and I am left shaking at the thought of either lounging in your bed with their new fresh smells and soft buttons. I feel old, which is ironic, I feel old and tired and I think you look at me in the same contexts. I listen to love songs that beg for companions to hold on to a bond, to a love that hangs in a delicate balance and I beg in the same contexts. But you don’t want to hear my begging or my fits, you want smiles and something a little less tortured, when its you who has left me in this twisted tortured state. I want for the happiness we deserve, I want for the happiness we had before your ghosts scared you from your future.



The things I've written about you paint us in shadow but I continue to fight for light. My heart wipes the lies from my mind and I am left in a whirl pool of love/like. Your continuous shock and amazement at my forwardness regarding my feelings has become annoying really, and while I sit to write something nice, something bursting with hope, I let out the real feelings of complacency. Why have I let you become my everything, while you teeter between lust and regret? 

The Run


My mind spills over with quotes and thoughts, words and phrases play incessantly and yet I cannot, no, I have not had the will, the ultimate inspiration, to sit and write. In the past heartache had brought so much inspiration and now since my attempt to flip the script and be inspired by happiness, I am left scriptless. I run instead of write, the need for physical heart health and mind numbness outweigh the need for spiritual heart health and thoughtfulness.

The rain finally came and that’s when I find the running most peaceful, bad music fills my head leaving little room for any other thoughts and my sweat mixes with the fresh waters of the rain. When I’m running everything else aches, thus taking the pressure of said heart.

He calls and asks if I will run with him, can I give him part of this sanctuary? He has taken everything else, even this running only began as a way to impress him. Now he impresses me with his ability to compartmentalize our love and lie to my tear soaked face.

I say I’ll let go, I say these incredulous infidelities will break what’s left of us, I say enough is enough. When in reality I will never let go, I will endure these falsities and enough will never be enough.

The Likelihood


It's likely that someday I'll will forget what your house smells like.
It's likely that I will forget this night I sat on your couch and tears pushed at the backs of my eyes.
Rational says it's likely we won't go on like this forever
And it's likely I will forget what these last kisses tasted like just as I have forgotten the flavor of the first.
It's likely that my heart will break and ache for another month or more
And it's likely you'll make me completely crazy
And also that I'll recover
All these likely things ought to be relieving but they aren't because they are just happenstance and hopefulness.
It's likely you will burn me and I'll say it doesn't hurt
It's likely that you'll lie some more and I'll reciprocate
It's likely I'll keep you on this pedestal and melt at your feet
It's likely nothing will survive this dreadful occasion
It's likely in another 15 years I'll just be another name you've forgotten
It's likely that you feel all these likelihoods too but there I go with hopefulness and happenstance, there I go thinking it's going to be ok and happy and smooth sailing but in reality that isn't very likely, is it?

The Pause Button


Sometimes I hear your voice like a ghostly apparition when I know it cannot be you. Sometimes I feel your touch when I am alone in my room, longing for you. These days, this fleeting life, it is hard to trust as my heart waivers between break and bust. To pause something at its height, to stop the boulder as it teeters at the top of the hill sounds all to difficult so I bide my time, I wait and want as usual. I hope and try my best not to hate for as this love spurts forth from something I never saw coming I can’t stop it, much like a severed vein, there is no tourniquet that can stop this well of overwhelming feeling. It will be a certain miracle if anything is to survive this. I try to believe that you are genuine with the words you delicately placate me with but it’s hard to know where the truth lies, and which lies are truth.

Be Careful What You Wish For


I didn’t even make it up the stairs. I collapsed in surreal pain and excruciating numbness. These kinds of feelings should be what make the shell grow harder and yet somehow I had become soft, soft and supple as your skin when I had touched it in the shifting minutes of dawn. Now I have inspiration again, that well of kisses dry and replaced by a spring of tears. The heartache made me sick, I begged and pleaded from the floor but silent echoes were all that answered my sobs. Why can’t you be all those things I want you to be and often pretended you were in the daydreams of my heart? The lost sleep is slighted by the black gnarled hole that resides where my heart once beat. You blindsided me, you crept slowly like those tall cocktails into my brain with this talk of “it must stop,” “we have to end it.” I left my body, floated above us from bar to bar, my face expressionless, the shell not hard enough. Where did the rug go? And why now? Because I think it might rain again and I can barely stand.