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Preview: The Owners Manual

The Owners Manual

Updated: 2015-10-03T20:10:15.565-04:00


UN committee said Vatican should ensure children's health care


"I don't feel so good, mom. Can I stay home from school today?"
"No. The church guarantees your health care, so go see Father Grabby."
[Later that day]
"Father Grabby, I feel depressed and have bad dreams."
"You're obviously under spiritual attack. Say ten Hail Marys."
"Can I put my clothes back on now?"

Suspect arrested in arson at Seattle Nightclub



"Johnson, this is the night desk editor. I want you to get over to the Neighbour's Club right now. There's a fire!"
"I'm on my way. How do you want to play it?"
"Some redneck homophobe pulled off a hate crime."
"It was a homophobe, chief, but I doubt a redneck."
"Word is a Muslim did it."
"Oh, well that's not homophobia; that's religion."
"We go after religion all the time."
"Not this one. Change the headline from Hate Crime Holocaust to Wienie Roast."
"Got it, chief. And happy new year!"
"Happy new year, son."

Let Israel handle Iran


Clinton would have thrown a cruise missile at it;
Obama would send in the drones;
Bush would invade the wrong country;
War's messy; appease and stay home.

Rockin' around Obamacare


Rockin' around Obamacare,
no Christmas tree on the floor.
No wrapped-up presents for you and me,
can't afford those any more.

Our money's gone to premiums
for blind Bob's aids to vision
and toothless grandpa's dental checks
plus Sarah's circumcision.



TWEET ME: Sunday at Toronto's CN tower, you in green blouse, brown slacks. Me in crotchless spandex leotards. I'm here naked for you.

TWEET ME: I was videographing SUV sinking. You were screaming for help getting your seatbelt off. Did I leave my press pass?

TWEET ME: Master Bakery, Asbury Park. You got my cream filling, I got your muffin. Let's do something hot, sweet and sticky.

TWEET ME: Foley Square Laundromat. I took your dryer load by mistake. Need the pumps that go with beige pantsuit.

TWEET ME: The Voice. I didn't turn my chair around for you. Your relatives chained themselves to my fence. We can run off to Vegas now.

TWEET ME: Diana from Shawboro. Loved you all my adult life. It's still only you. Now's our time. If a woman answers, hang up.

TWEET ME: Master Bakery, Asbury Park. You got my cream filling, I got your muffin. Let's do something hot, sweet and sticky.

TWEET ME: Online at a gang bang in Peoria. I didn't know she was your sister. Please give me back my stuff.

TWEET ME: Tascosa Drive-In Theater. You were in the white Thunderbird. I was in the Nissan pickup. I WAS PUMPING UP A VOLLEY BALL

Twitter 101


Gypsies, eh?


"Those poor, beleaguered people," said Clifford, as the light rain washed away his newly-paved driveway and the "paint" off his house. He turned and entered his home, concerned that his daughter had not yet returned from her "date."

Tweet Me!


TWEET ME: I held bus door open for you, got a "fuck you" look. Go up to Canal St, 2 blocks to Riverfront. Turn left to the river. Jump in.

TWEET ME: You were moving down the escalator at the Midtown Macy's. I was throwing up. Great catch. The Giants need you.

TWEET ME: You had me thrown off the Raleigh Amtrak for flashing you. Met your mom at hobo camp down the line. We're siblings.

TWEET ME: Saw you in the 10/17 Jay Leno audience. Ugliest woman I ever seen. We may be related.

TWEET ME: You wrote my name and number on Port Authority stall walls. You deserve a cut of the profits.

TWEET ME: 38th St subway platform, I flashed you. Will pay to get my cock ring back.

TWEET ME: Cowboys game in the stands, I intercepted your hot dog and instead passed down a joint. Let me help with your bail.

TWEET ME: I whistled at you from my cement truck, you birded me and fell over a fire hydrant. I found your dentures.

Just Another Day at the Airport


"This is a waste of time and you TSA bastards are a bunch of goons!"
"Wha--- whoa! Get up against the wall, ma'am. Finley, get over here!"
"Yes, sir?"
"Handcuff her."
"Want the ball gag, too, sir?"
"Yes. Ball- gag 'er.
"How about the butt plug, sir?"
"Hold on. Ma'am, are you going to give me any more shit?"
"Give 'er the butt plug, Finley."

Things to Know


Consequences of Obamacare


Knock Knock
"Whaddya want?"
"Joe sent me."
"Are you a surgeon?"
"Yes, I do."
"I mean, do you do surgery?"
"Yes, I am."
"Do you get referrals from other doctors?"
"What kind?"
"Terminal cases, and slow pay."
"Come on in."

They're both bloodthirsty?


The main difference between Yahweh and Allah seems to be their willingness to delegate.  Allah commands his followers to do the atrocities that Yahweh reserved to himself.

Just some dialogue


"Smile, John, you look like you just swallowed a 2x4."
"Leave me alone, Teresa, and stop stalking me on the job."
"I see you brought your little military bitch along. What are all her ribbons for, John, late night at the Oral Office?"
"Go home, Teresa. This got to stop."
"This isn't the only thing we're gonna stop, John."
"My god. If I wasn't stone-faced from all the botox, I'd give you such a scowl!"
"Too bad it didn't turn something else to stone, John."
"I hate this job."

Courtroom attire


"Are you wearing a thong?"
"A traditional one among my people, yes."
"What does that mean?"
"It's a hula hoop festooned with a hemp rope sling."
"What does 'festooned' mean?"
"I don't know."

NSA admits listening to U.S. phone calls without warrants



People can't you see, this ain't liberty?
There's a word for this: Can you say statist?
Every call you make, every text you take,
long as you're awake, they'll be watching you.

Some elder berries


Waking up at 3 AM is great. Waking up at all is great!

 Now YOU have that new-car smell.

 You're back to being a kid, where everything is an adventure.

 It all makes sense now.

Why is naturopathy so expensive?


People don't appreciate how much water it takes, and thus the expense, to dilute something to the point that only the trace signal of the no-longer-present molecules remains. Or how many clients a chiropractor must go through before finding one willing to endure sexual assault and keep his/her mouth shut about it. It's a dog-barking-at-nothing world out there.



Posted for the following sentence ...
Tim Tebow has dwindling NFL support despite unnamed scouts lining up to point out his deficiencies as a passer

A Manly Woman


Nobel Booby Prize


Catcher in the Wry


Pie are square


Prayer is cheaper


Daily Double


Hard Times