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Last Build Date: Sun, 09 Oct 2016 00:39:49 +0000


Trump recorded singing the praises of lamb fries

Sun, 09 Oct 2016 00:35:55 +0000

In newly released recordings, Donald Trump was overheard lauding his guilty pleasure, lamb fries.  In the 1994 recording, Trump was overheard discussing his obsession with Knoxville Mayor Bill Haslam. has acquired exclusive transcripts of the conversation: Haslam:  “So, Donald.  What do you think about these Petro’s?” Trump:  “Well, they’re pretty good.  I do like […]

Wikileaks previews latest Clinton data dump with

Mon, 03 Oct 2016 22:54:26 +0000

Ahead of their major announcement coming Tuesday, Wikileaks exclusively previewed several of the more interesting findings with today.  Through email, Julian Assange shared a list of the damning information with us. In 1996, Hillary Clinton failed to tip the roller skating girl who delivered food at a Sonic Restaurant.  She also has never tipped […]

Randy Burleson buys Crown And Goose, plans conversion to Cheddar’s

Tue, 26 Jan 2016 15:49:35 +0000

This week, news emerged that Randy Burleson, owner of Knoxville favorites Aubrey’s and Bistro By The Tracks, has purchased Old City’s standout, The Crown and Goose restaurant.  Many theories flew around social media as to what will become of The Crown and Goose now that Executive Chef Jeffrey DeAlejandro will no longer be guiding the […]

Man Admits Plan to Commit Assisted Suicide Was Hoax

Thu, 30 Oct 2014 13:31:19 +0000

Knoxville native Maynard Britain, who announced several months ago he was planning to go through with assisted suicide in response to his terminal illness, has admitted it was a hoax.  “I really do have a brain tumor,” he said in his issued statement, “that is true.  I’m still going to die.  But I was never […]

Regal Entertainment Group announces plan to increase revenue

Tue, 28 Oct 2014 14:13:31 +0000

Coming off a disappointing third-quarter earnings report, Regal Entertainment Group enlisted the help of Morgan Stanley & Co. to review strategic options to increase revenue for the chain. What might have appeared to be a daunting task, turned out to be rather simple when viewed by an outside consulting group with no true knowledge of […]

Church Offers Sanctuary to Ebola-Fearful Knoxvillians

Thu, 16 Oct 2014 12:36:19 +0000

While local health systems plan a forum to answer the public’s questions about the Ebola virus, a Knoxville church is offering sanctuary to people most afraid of contracting the deadly virus. Ebola has yet to spread to East Tennessee — and may never get here — but Grace Baptist Church, 7171 Oak Ridge Highway, will […]

Tennesseans Set to Vote on Amendment Encouraging Pregnant Women to Consider Abortion

Thu, 16 Oct 2014 02:20:45 +0000

As the polls opened for early voting across Tennessee yesterday, all eyes were on the ballot initiatives, especially Amendment 2.  Pro-abortion groups are eagerly anticipating passage of the first-of-its kind constitutional amendment that will encourage ALL pregnant woman to consider abortion as an alternative to going through with their pregnancies. “Tennessee isn’t usually known for […]

Best Newspaper Closing of 2014

Wed, 15 Oct 2014 20:31:07 +0000

The results are in, and the Best of Knoxville Newspaper Closing for 2014 is the Metro Pulse! And, this gives us a reason to blow the dust off the Commodore 64, fire up our digital printing press, and put Knoxpatch back into motion. Stay tuned…

Jimmy Haslam / Pilot Flying J offers to buy back fuel to appease complainants

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 16:44:35 +0000

Although they still maintain that they aren’t saying that they did or did not do anything wrong, sources close to writers tell us that Jimmy Haslam is making an offer to those stating they were hurt by Pilot’s business practices. According to our sources, Pilot will buy back all fuel purchased by those impacted […]

Modern Maya people respond to US Presidential elections

Wed, 07 Nov 2012 12:21:03 +0000

In response to the US Presidential elections, the remaining modern Maya people have issued a collective statement on behalf of their elders. “Told you so, pack up your shit, get in a bunker, and take your guns with you. It’s over.”