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Felt Up



I don't read US Weekly anymore, so you'll have to!



Updated: 2018-02-18T04:47:50.205-08:00

 



The Good, The Bad, and The Jiggy

2011-02-11T15:54:24.429-08:00

First, a wee program note: January 30 was Felt Up's 7th anniversary! Hooray.Now for the good stuff. Well, "good" if you're into trashy reality shows. Awesome blog Reality Tea has a bunch of "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Before They Were Famous" photos. My favorites are:1) Taylor "Our Lady of The Lip" Armstrong, whose horrible, boring, aloof husband has been in trouble with the IRS (convicted of felony assessment evasion), and allegedly sued for "fraud, negligent misrepresentation, breach of fiduciary duty and more," according to this site, and who, by the way, tried to pretend that her daughter was godmothered by fellow RHBH co-star Adrienne Maloof (the truth--that The Maloof is not the godmother and is not "close" to Taylor at all--came out on the "Real Housewives Lost Footage" special), AND allegedly tried to call herself Taylor Ford and pass herself off as a member of the Ford family (as in Ford Motors), although her real name is Shana Hughes, and, as we all know by now, is from Oklahoma, not Michigan:So young, cute, fresh-faced, and UNRECOGNIZABLE. Granted, these photos were taken in the 1980s, but does she even have dimples anymore? Did they get sucked away during all the surgeries? Is that possible?2) Speaking of unrecognizable, I will let you try to guess who the hell this is:That, my friends, is CAMILLE GRAMMER.Sadly, no old-school photos of Jiggy before the alopecia set in, but there are some good ones of mild Felt Up obsession Lisa Vanderpump and her shaggy-haired husband Ken. In fact, the whole layout is worth perusing, especially for the cute series of Kim Richards Before She Was Tragic.PSI am LOVING that the "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" was such a success that Bravo is doing everything in its power to mine and exploit every tawdry scrap of film they already shot so they can create "new" RHBV shows, like the afore-mentioned "Lost Footage" program and the upcoming "director's cut" of the infamous "Dinner Party from Hell," featuring the e-cigarette smoker/medium/horror Alison DuBois and "the morally corrupt" Faye Resnick. Huzzah! I, for one, am not willing to give up on this season and am ready to eat up whatever re-hashed mishmash of old footage that Bravo dishes out. As Allison DuBois would say, I know exactly when I'm going to watch a crappy reality show--I love that about me! KNOW THIS, Bravo. KNOW THIS.PSSIn other Real Housewives "news," creepy narcissist Slade Smiley who has dated three, count 'em three of "The Real Housewives of Orange County," owes over $138,000 in child support for his son with brain cancer. Why am I not surprised?[...]



Vanderpumping The Past

2011-01-27T16:54:00.403-08:00

I was perusing my favorite "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" star Lisa Vanderpump's website, as is my wont, and was amazed to discover that she starred in a couple of ABC videos from the '80s, including "Poison Arrow," a video that was shown approximately one million times during my callow youth, which was entirely spent glued to MTV 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

I actually think she looks better now, thanks to some sort of pact with the devil/illegal European urine injections/picture of Dorian Gray/whatnot. She's richer than God, so who knows? Anyway, behold the Vanderpump!



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Whatever happened to ABC, I wonder?



A Program Note From Felt Up

2011-01-05T21:31:48.466-08:00

I am starting to post again a bit over on THRIFTY CENT, my thriftin' blog. So be sure to check it a few hundred times a day, every single day, just in case.

Thank you.



They Really Are Kardooky

2010-12-15T17:29:11.993-08:00

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The awesome Kardashian Christmas Card makes me think they could be the new Addams Family, except, you know....trashy.



Hot Couple Alert: Denikki Sixxards

2010-12-15T09:52:54.808-08:00

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(image via usweekly)

Boy oh boy, Denise Richards sure knows how to pick 'em. After the emotional rollercoaster of being married to Charlie Sheen and then dating the ex-husband (Richie Sambora) of her now-ex-best friend (Dame Heather Locklear), she has wisely chosen to give her heart to noted humble gent Motley Crue bassist Nikki "I Like To Talk About Myself In the Third Person A Lot" Sixx, who seems to finally have gotten over Kat Von D, who dumped him for internationally-reviled cheater/possible Nazi Jesse James. Whew! I need a flow chart or something to keep track of all this l'amour.

Anyway, new couple! Let's take bets on how long it lasts...



Separated At Birth?

2010-12-13T10:56:52.903-08:00

I never thought I would wake up this morning and make this celebrity comparison, but take a wee gander at this photo of 1980s star and Felt Up Grande Dame Emeritus Emma Samms:

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(image via eriklerouge)

....and then drink in this very recent shot of Christina Ricci:

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(image via the wow report)

I'm not crazy, right? Emma Samms for the WIN. (She's also looking just the teensiest bit like Ms. Shannon Doherty.) None of this is terrible news, of course, and she looks super-glam and all--it simply means that SHE DOES NOT LOOK LIKE CHRISTINA RICCI.



Twin Freaks

2010-12-11T14:06:51.838-08:00

Ah, the mysterious yin and yang of cosmetic surgery. Earlier this week, there was the yin, represented by wonderful-looking 59-year-old "Wonder Woman" star Lynda Carter.

And now, the YANG:

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(image via thedailymail)

Ack! It's Lara Flynn Boyle! I think.



I Say A Little Prayer For You

2010-12-08T20:01:20.039-08:00

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(image via 8notes)

I hate to sound like Camille Grammer and make this all about ME, ME, ME, but I knew I was really going to regret not spending $250 to see Aretha Franklin in Austin a few years ago.

I just had a feeling...



Kash and Karry With The Kardashians

2010-12-08T17:28:36.901-08:00

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(image via honeygerman)

I just love the New York Times' "Critical Shopper" column, which reviews stores instead of movies or books; I'm sure being in the retail game (when not humbly blogging away, of course) may have something to do with it. There are exceptions: Uber-hipster Cintra Wilson's repulsively snobby and vicious review of the flagship JC Penney's in Manhattan, for example. However, today my two worlds have collided, in a delightful way, with the "Critical Shopper"'s report on Dash, the new New York outpost of the Kardashian Sisters' retail empire. Huzzah!

Writer Jon Caramanica gets the tone--humor without rancor--just right. He and his friends try to figure out which Kardashian they are ("Fleur was “a Khloé with a strong undercurrent of Kourtney”; Bolt, “a Khloé with Kim rising.” Ace pleaded ignorance, though she’s a Kim, through and through. Me, probably more Kourtney than I’d care to admit, so let’s say mostly Kim and call it a day." Except for having pals named Fleur, Bolt, and Ace, I can relate to this game. I believe myself to be mainly a shorter Khloé with a dash of Bruce Jenner.)

He and his friends find Dash to have the impermanent, empty feeling of a "pop-up store," as if the whole enterprise was simply an excuse/set piece for the new tv show "Kourtney and Kim Take New York," and perhaps that is exactly what it is.

As for the clothes, Caramanica describes some selections thusly:

A floppy suede Eugenia Kim hat ($276) suggested a daytime Kourtney, or a nighttime Khloé. One of the store’s best items was a hooded draped black vest, by Rachel Pally ($226), suitable either for a post-yoga Kim, or stylish pagans.

Hee hee. There are also Kardashian-themed souvenirs and trinkets, like a $10 Kardashian bottled water. If you're into this kind of thing, the article is worth the full read. Kool kids krave Kardashian kicks!



Wonder Woman, Indeed

2010-12-08T10:53:27.389-08:00

After seeing this photo of Miss Lynda Carter at the Kennedy Center Honors the other night, I hereby nominate everyone's favorite "Wonder Woman"' for the "First Annual Joan Collins Award for Excellence in Plastic Surgery--Age 59 and Older," created by me, your humble Felt Up blogette, in order to acknowledge truly AMAZING advances in the field of celebrity nip/tucks:

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(image via wowreport)

Doesn't she look incredible? She was, of course, very beautiful to begin with, but whatever work she's had done is very tasteful and effective. She is still recognizably Miss Lynda Carter, but, you know, enhanced. She is almost 60 years old, people. (Take note, Meg Ryan. It is possible to have plastic surgery and not end up looking like a cross between The Joker and Alvin Chipmunk.)



'Tis The Season

2010-12-08T10:37:43.210-08:00

For some reason, this photo of Felt Up Patron Saint John Waters and Justin Beiber makes me think of Christmas:

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(image via zap2it)

It just seems so festive!



Celebrity Math

2010-12-06T12:25:40.358-08:00

Kim Jong Il puppet from Team America
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(image via sipseystreetirregulars)

+

Jim Jones
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(image via joeljamescomedy)

+

"Top Chef"'s Stephen Asprinio
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(image via jan norris)

=

Wikileaks' Julian Assange
(image)
(image via the daily mail)

QED



Burlesque is the Antin-dote to The Winter Blahs

2010-12-04T09:49:33.428-08:00

(image via 80millionmoviesfree)Friends, your humble Felt Up blogette finally saw Burlesque last night, and despite all the bad reviews (mainly comparing it unfavorably with Showgirls, Chicago, and Cabaret), I can honestly say that it was a festive delight, especially since there was a loud, drunken group of middle-aged Latinas behind us who hooted and hollered in Spanish throughout the spectacle (especially at a brief glimpse of a male naked bottom) and the rest of the audience applauded the musical numbers and we all just generally had a gay ole time. Of course it's not as ridonkulous as Showgirls--NOTHING WILL EVER BE AS RIDONKULOUS AS SHOWGIRLS!--or as awesome as Cabaret or Chicago (which was almost ruined by Renee Zellweger's pinchy-faced weirdness, anyway)--but it does have CHER.Whoever did the costumes on this thing did a pretty damn good job, even though I thought there should be at least one pair of pasties in a movie called Burlesque. If they give out a special Oscar for Best Use of Retro Underpants in a Musical, this movie should win it, hands down.So, if you want some escapist good times featuring lots of frilly underbottoms, see-through mesh brassieres, not one but two Cher showcase lollapalooza musical numbers, and the great Stanley Tucci reprising his role from The Devil Wears Prada, then Burlesque is for you, especially after a few cocktails. (I must note, however, the CRIMINAL underuse of Dame Alan Cumming--I can only imagine there is a cutting room floor filled with some amazing scenes of his. Surely they could have lopped off one or two of the 5,000 Christina Aquilera-does-Etta-James numbers? Sigh...)When the credits rolled, I was delighted to see that Steve Antin was the director. Steve Antin was the star of The Last American Virgin and was the bad guy in Goonies and used to date power gay David Geffen. I find his entire family entirely FASCINATING. His brother is Jonathan Antin, late of the greatest, most hilariously insane reality show ever, "Blow Out" (you know, the one about the uber-straight LA hairdresser, Jonathan, who sobbed uncontrollably when his line of hair products, Jonathan Product, got a bar code?) and his sister is Robin Antin, founder of The Pussycat Dolls, which before it became the harbinger of the muscical Apocalypse was a burlesque troupe (and yet she is not listed as a "consultant" on Burlesque, which is either an admirable rejection of Hollywood nepotism or proof of the long-standing feud I just made up in my head that exists between Steve and Robin). These three will stop at nothing as they scratch and claw their way to the D-List, and I applaud them for it!Jonathan, Steve, and Robin Antin!(image via acesshowbiz)Most interesting of all? Just look at what Steve has done to his face over the years:Last American Virgin heyday:(image via NNDB)Current:(image via zimbio)He doesn't look bad, or old--he just doesn't look particularly human; it's a little too Madame Tussaud's around the edges for my taste. But who am I to judge? He is part of America's royal family of second-tier entertainment, for god's sake! Long live the Antins![...]



We Must All Pray For Michael Douglas' Speedy Recovery

2010-12-01T14:34:57.365-08:00

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In case you needed any more reasons to root for Michael Douglas' return to good health after his current battle with throat cancer, well look no further. As soon as he gets better he is supposed to star in Steven Soderbergh's new biopic as...LIBERACE.

I was super-crushed when the Liberace Museum closed down in Las Vegas (maybe the proposed--by Randy Quaid--Randy Quaid Musuem could take it's place?), but I'm hoping against hope that this movie will bring a whole new wave of Liberace-mania to the USA and beyond.

The fact that the director is Steven Soderbergh makes me think it might actually be a decent movie. And I think Michael Douglas is a really good fit for the role, actually, for some strange reason. I guess he will mainly be portraying later era Liberace, though. So get well soon, kid, and start a) practicing the piano, and b) getting those gams in shape!

(And while we're on the subject of Liberace, I'd like to direct your attention to the following photograph I found while researching the scandal-plagued Liberace Museum. Yes, that is a MINI-LIBERACE puppet protesting the closing of the museum. God, I love Vegas.)

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(image via ken owens)



News Flash

2010-12-01T11:34:34.471-08:00

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(image via the telegraph)

I'm already sick to death of William and Kate's wedding.



Quaids Hit The Big Time

2010-12-01T09:48:05.896-08:00

(image via vanity fair)Christmas has come early! The new Vanity Fair has an in-depth profile of America's favorite fugitives, The Quaids, and it's already online.Here are some choice tidbits I hadn't heard about until this article:The Quaids are "sometimes" sleeping in their Prius in Vancouver.Evi Quaid once had an L.A. art gallery show featuring "giant photographs of her pierced vagina."When they showed up in court with Randy's Golden Globe, Evi also had a "valid credit card" attached to her forehead.They tried to build a Randy Quaid Museum in Marfa, Texas. (And if it ever gets built, I guess I'm finally going to have to go to Marfa!)The Quaids allegedly have not defrauded just one innkeeper, but a whole string of fancy California hotels: "They reportedly had unpaid charges at the Bel-Air in Beverly Hills ($17,000), the Biltmore in Montecito ($500), and San Francisco’s Nob Hill Hotel ($55,243)." Evi, naturally, "insisted they had paid all the bills in full."Evi claims that Madonna tried to lure Randy away from her on the set of Bloodhounds of Broadway so she, Randy, and Jennifer Grey could have a ménage a trois.They have pitched a reality show called Star Trackers, which has "Evi and Randy playing a Bonnie-and-Clyde-like couple that hunts down the Hollywood Star Whackers."Evi directed a movie in 1999 called The Debtors, starring Randy and Michael Caine (!), which was never realeased due to the producers' squeamishness about a "squirting rubber penis."Oh, there a thousand twists and turns in this story, including appearances by Robert Blake (framed!), Chris Penn (murdered!), Jeremy Piven (poisoned!), David Carradine (murdered!), Mel Gibson (framed!), Michael Jackson (part of a conspiracy!), Meg Ryan (jealous slut!), an Andy Warhol painting (with hidden meaning!)--it just goes on and on, and is really, really complicated. Go read the thing and see if you can make sense of the Quaids worldview, because it's too much for my noggin to wrap itself around.Sadly, by all accounts, Randy Quaid was a sweet, relatively normal (for an actor) man whose wife turned him against his friends and supporters, spent all his money on fancy clothes, and may literally be driving him insane with her paranoid fantasies about a "cabal" of bankers, agents, lawyers, etc who conspired to take Randy's royalty checks and real estate. I hope nothing truly terrible happens; right now, it's kooky good gossip. But it could easily take a turn for tragic. Keep it kooky, kids! Please![...]



A Very Felt Up Thanksgiving

2010-11-19T09:47:34.009-08:00

Here are a few things we should all be thankful for:We are not Phaedra's newborn child from "The Real Housewives of Atlanta."We probably only have to hear that terrible Train song "Hey Soul Sister" about 1 million more times on commercials and in movies this holiday season, and then we can kill ourselves in a mass suicide, and we'll never hear it again. Yay! (Unless, of course, we're sent to Hell. Then that's all we'll hear for all eternity. Which wouldn't be that different from life on Earth circa 2010. So, kind of a toss up.)We are not married to The Cult's Billy Duffy, unlike poor, terrified AJ Celi from "Married to Rock."Yigit won "Top Chef Just Desserts." (Spoiler!)No one can actually force us to explain who Kellan Lutz, Leighton Meester, or Avan Jogia are.Tim Gunn's recent spate of delightful non-stop trash-talking about celebrities, which somewhat mitigates the miscarriage of justice that was this season's winner of "Project Runway."On practically any night of the week we can watch "Swamp People," "Billy The Exterminator," "Ma's Roadhouse," or "Southern Fried Stings." If we have sweet, sweet cable.Camille Grammer is, at some point this season on "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills," going to find out on camera about Kelsey Grammer dumping her for a 26-year-old British flight attendant. (Normally this would not be such wonderful tv viewing, but if you've seen Camille...ye gods. If Katharine Heigl had a bitchy, entitled lovechild with Meg Whitman, it would be more likable than Camille.) At least, this is what I'm pinning all my hopes and dreams on. Bravo would never let me down, right? Right?We have not been featured on "Hoarders," "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant," or "Intervention." Yet.Kim Zolzciak exists.And the #1 thing we have to be thankful for during this time of giving:God bless us, every one![...]



Heidi Klum Wears Guerra Well

2010-11-12T09:29:07.859-08:00

I know hardly anyone watches "Project Runway" anymore, but those of you who do know that this season's win was the worst highway robbery since the days of Robin Hood. So it was extra-delightful to see Miss Heidi Klum at last night's debut of the lesbian ballet art movie The Black Swan making a protest statement by being decked out in Mondo "I Should've Won" Guerra's polka dot dress, albeit with the sleeves removed:

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(image via blogging project runway)

I don't think we'll ever see Heidi in Gretchen "Wretchen" Jones' frumpster clothing, do you?



How Old Is This Woman?

2010-11-08T17:14:06.620-08:00

Behold Miss Gloria Vanderbilt:

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(image via janet charlton)

Do you think she is:

a) 56 years old

b) 66 years old

c) 76 years old

d) 86 years old

e) frozen in a cryogenic state

If you answered d) 86 years old, you are correct! Will also accept "some mixture of d) and e)."

She was the subject of a scandalous custody battle--in the 1930s! Her first marriage took place in 1945! Anderson Cooper's mother is 86--and just look at her. Is there any huma skin left on there at all? Don't get me wrong, I think she looks amazing--much better than say, Ms. Meg Ryan, who is only 48 (!)--but it still freaks me out.

(And yes, I do realize that a year ago I did almost this exact same post--she just gets more mesmerizing with every passing day!)



QUAIDS Crisis Still Spreading

2010-11-03T08:53:31.333-07:00

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(image via people)

To no one's real surprise, Randy and Evi Quaid failed to show up at their arraignment for felony vandalism charges in Santa Barbara, California on Tuesday. I'm sure they were just totally busy trying to evade the "star-whackers" who are no doubt trailing their every move.

According to People magazine, Evi is now facing yet another warrant for her arrest, the repayment of a $500,000 bond, and a long jail sentence:

Evi's bail amount of $500,000 was forfeited, court spokeswoman Liz Jahadhmy confirms to PEOPLE. A new bench warrant in the same amount was issued against Evi.

Evi, 47, whose probation had been revoked for her previous hotel-bill-skipping case, is expected to face significant jail time. Both are accused of squatting in and causing damage to a Montecito, Calif. home they previously owned.

Randy's $500,000 bail remains in place, because the Quaids' attorney, Robert Sanger, told the judge that the actor, 60, was required to stay in Canada until he can appear for an immigration hearing there on Nov. 8.

A warrant for Randy was also issued Tuesday, but held on condition he shows for the couple's next hearing on Nov. 16.
Is it time to take Dog The Bounty Hunter at his word and sicc him on the Quaids? Will this all end up making for a very special episode of "Intervention"? When is Dennis Quaid going to say or do anything? Felt Up has questions, dammit!



Breaking News: Miley Cyrus' Mom Did It With Bret Michaels

2010-11-02T15:53:47.926-07:00

(image via us weekly)O...M...G...ya'll. Why are Miley Cyrus' parents Billy Ray and Tish Cyrus getting divorced? Because Tish had an affair with BRET MICHAELS. According to US Weekly:The reason Miley Cyrus' parents are splitting after 17 years of marriage: Mom Tish had an affair with rocker Bret Michaels, reports the new Us Weekly (on newsstands Wednesday). When Billy Ray learned of it - as well as at least one other fling - he filed for divorce Oct. 27, sources tell Us Weekly. Michaels, 47, "became close to the entire family" this past February when he and Miley released the racy duet "Nothing to Lose," an insider tells Us Weekly. He and Tish, 43, soon began carrying on an on-the-sly romance, sources tell Us Weekly. Tish was seen at Michaels' Feb. 28 show at the Key Club in L.A., and he had once asked her production company’s help to adapt his book, Roses & Thorns, into a movie. "Billy Ray was completely unaware of what was going on," the source says of the "Achy Breaky Heart" crooner, who is seeking joint custody of their three minor children, Miley (who turns 18 Nov. 23), Braison, 16, and Noah, 10. (They have three older children from previous relationships.) Though a rep for Michaels refutes the allegations, telling Us Weekly, "There has never been an affair or a fling," and a rep for Tish also denies the dalliance, the Cyrus source insists, "It was a professional relationship that turned into something more."Well, at least it was the age-appropriate (although not maritally appropriate) mom and not the extremely age-inappropriate daughter. That's about the best silver lining I can come with for this situation. Look at that photo above. They kind of look alike, although something peculiar is going on with Bret's face, especially around the eye area. If he doesn't watch out he's going to start looking like Felt Up Patron Saint Jocelyn Wildenstein. Or a blond Carrot Top. (Shudder.)Will Brett adopt Miley? Will they have a whole new empire of blended family reality shows, like "Rock of Mom" or "The Michaels Bunch"?Poor Billy Ray. I could make an achy-breaky heart reference, but I will REFRAIN.[...]



Close Encounters of the Reid Kind

2010-10-24T14:38:34.164-07:00

Oh, dear. Tara Reid is looking just a bit...

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(image via jezebel)

...like the alien from Close Encounters of the Third Kind:

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(image via web orange uk)

And not in a good way.



You Don't Have To Live Like A Refugee

2010-10-23T09:29:58.168-07:00

Oh, it's all becoming so much clearer, now. Randy and Evi Quaid were not merely making a run for the Canadian border, they were arrested in Vancouver after causing some kind of street ruckus and are now seeking REFUGEE status because Heath Ledger and David Carradine died and they think they're next. Makes perfect sense to me.According to CBC News:U.S. actor Randy Quaid and his wife Evi are seeking refugee status in Canada, telling an Immigration and Refugee Board hearing in Vancouver that they fear for their lives in the U.S. The Quaids told the hearing Friday that eight of their close friends had been killed in recent years and they now felt endangered themselves. Evi Quaid said friends such as actors David Carradine and Heath Ledger were "murdered" under mysterious circumstances and she's worried something will happen to her husband. "We feel our lives are in danger," she said. "Randy has known eight close friends murdered in odd, strange manners ... We feel that we're next." Ledger was nominated for an Oscar for his lead role in the movie Brokeback Mountain. He died in January 2008 from an accidental overdose. Actor Randy Quaid leaves an immigration hearing in Vancouver after saying he is seeking refugee status in Canada. (CBC)Carradine was star of the hit 1970s television series Kung Fu and also had a movie career before he hanged himself in Thailand last year. He was 72. The Quaids were released late Friday after posting bonds of $10,000 each. The couple were arrested Thursday after Vancouver police were called for assistance concerning an incident near West 41st Avenue and Yew Street. "While checking the identity of a man and a woman at that location, they learned that the two were wanted on outstanding warrants from the United States," said police in a statement issued on Friday morning.Geez Louise! They have truly gone over the bend. Paranoid delusions of grandeur (who really cares about the Quaids very much except moi and "Dog" Chapman?), persecution complex, etc etc. I am no doctor, but I think I can safely diagnose these two as suffering from nutty nutballitis.Sad. Yet fascinating![...]



Quaids Being Hunted Doggy-Style

2010-10-22T18:00:07.958-07:00

Well, just when I thought the Quaids Crisis couldn't get any weirder, we have this latest update to ponder, which happens to involve not just Randy and Evi Quaid making a run for an international border, but also bounty hunter "Dog" Chapman thrusting himself into the situation, for no apparent reason except to delight the likes of me. Entertainment Weekly reports:

Actor Randy Quaid and his wife Evi were arrested in Vancouver on Wednesday for immigration violations charges after recently skipping a court date in California. The actor, 60, and his wife, 47, are set to appear before a Canadian Immigration and Refugee Board hearing this afternoon, a spokesman for the department told CTV News.

The headline-grabbing couple originally made news back in September when they were charged with felony burglary on suspicion of illegally squatting in the guest house of a California home they owned in the 1990s. Evi was also charged with resisting arrest.

Earlier this week, a judge in Santa Barbara issued $50,000 bench warrants when the Quaids failed to show for their arraignment hearing. Celebrity bounty hunter Duane ‘Dog’ Chapman issued a public challenge to the couple on Thursday night, urging Quaid to turn himself in or he would capture them personally.
Sadly, the Quaids' arrest means we were all denied our God-given right to see the Dog kick in a Marfa motel room door and scream obscenities at a defiant Evi and Randy, all of whom would probably be armed to the teeth with taser guns, pepper spray, and insanity, on a very special episode of "Dog: The Bounty Hunter." Sigh.

Apparently the ultimatum to the Quaids was issued by Dog on "Lopez Tonight," and the video is right here for your viewing pleasure.

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Quaids On The Lam--Again

2010-10-21T13:14:21.608-07:00

(images via foxnews.com)Randy and Evi Quaid naturally failed to show up on Monday for their court hearing related to their perfectly logical felony vandalism/squatting charges (or totally understandable "theft-by-corpse" swindle, depending on whether you are sane or not) in Santa Barbara, CA, so an arrest warrant has been issued for America's craziest sweethearts. One more won't matter much, eh?The Daily Beast posted an epic timeline today of their continuing crime spree; here are the latest entries to catch you up on the insanity:Sept. 19, 2010: Squatting was fun while it lasted for Randy and Evi. A Santa Barbara property owner calls the police on them in September, accusing the couple of living in their former home illegally. The Quaids had trouble parting with the place—Randy carved his initials in the mailbox and the two allegedly hung photos of themselves over the fireplace, breaking a $7,000 mirror in the process, according to TMZ. The couple is arrested on charges of felony residential burglary and the misdemeanor of entering a noncommercial building without consent. Evi, ever eager to one up her husband, receives an additional charge for resisting arrest yet again when Animal Control comes to take the Quaids’ dog, Doji. They are released after posting $50,000 bail. Sept. 21, 2010: In an early Halloween celebration, Randy and Evi are caught in a fraudulent corpse conspiracy—or so they claim. The couple say they were targeted in the property owner’s scheme to steal their home using the forged signature of dead woman, Ronda Quaid, in 1992 in an effort to transfer ownership to a third party. Randy tells TMZ in the aftermath, "If you don’t stick up for what’s yours and defend what’s yours, then what are you?" Evi, on the other hand, is all about nature—she tells the site’s cameraman she hopes to reclaim her garden and "water the roses." Oct. 18, 2010: Once again, the Quaids don’t seem too keen on defending what’s theirs, as they fail to show up to a court hearing for their felony burglary charge. The Santa Barbara DA’s office issues a $50,000 warrant for the arrest of each of them, FoxNews reports Tuesday.I think Joy Division said it best: "Where will it end? Where will it end?"[...]