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Preview: - Tony Kornheiser ( - Tony Kornheiser (


Can a Road Team Win?

Thu, 15 May 2008 00:00:00 EDT

TK: Statistics work when they work and then they are modified when they don't work anymore. . . . People who say it has never happened before and therefore it won't happen again, no no no. It's never happened before. That's all you can say. The one series that is the most interesting is San Antonio and New Orleans because they are killing each other. There has not been a single close game. Nothing is remotely close and these two teams won the exact [same] amount of games in the regular season.

A Cheese Substitute

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 00:00:00 EDT

I'm some sort of substitute for the Cheeseboy. . . . When he's going away to do military service, or whatever he does when he goes out and does a game, then they just take old Tony and stick him in the Cheeseboy spot. That's great to know. That's why they wanted me to take the buyout.

He Hits the Five-Hole, And a Hole-in-One

Thu, 05 Oct 2006 00:00:00 EDT

Of the many extracurricular obligations I have these days, one of them is to contribute, with Wilbon, to a "PTI"-type dialogue in ESPN Magazine. (Yes, I know that ESPN refers to it as ESPN The Magazine, but that's like me putting up a sign on my front lawn that says, "Kornheiser The House.")

You Say Potato, I Say -- Well, I Didn't Say Anything

Wed, 04 Oct 2006 00:00:00 EDT

After four regular season games, I've found that what's most frustrating to me about "Monday Night Football" isn't what I'm saying, it's what I'm not saying.

QBs Provide Rooting Interest

Mon, 02 Oct 2006 00:00:00 EDT

PHILADELPHIA -- Look, I hate to come across like a cheerleader for the "Monday Night Football" game, but tonight there is enormous star power with Brett Favre and Donovan McNabb. They're two of the rare football players who are actually recognized without their helmets, but what operates on a deeper level is that these are guys whose off-the-field melodramas have made them compelling, sympathetic characters even if you don't like their teams.

Hey, NAFTA, I'm Coming Afta Ya!

Thu, 28 Sep 2006 00:00:00 EDT

It has taken me three regular season games, but I have finally found what I have been sorely missing -- something to take aim at. (Other than Theismann's supply of bronzer.)

In New Orleans, a Resounding Victory for the Human Spirit

Wed, 27 Sep 2006 00:00:00 EDT

I've been in many arenas when the game means a lot. I've been at hockey playoff games where it seems like the noise is louder than in any other arena. I've been at basketball games in college arenas, like Cole Field House when Duke comes in, and it sounds like U2 and Green Day are playing inside your head. I've been in outdoor football stadiums, like RFK, that shook with the noise. I can remember the 1987 World Series in Minnesota, where the noise level inside the Metrodome made it feel like your eyeballs were about to pop out.

Standing at the Crossroads Of Reality, Fun and Games

Mon, 25 Sep 2006 00:00:00 EDT

I arrived in New Orleans on Thursday and have been staying on the edge of the French Quarter, where it's still possible to stroll about and imagine that nothing catastrophic happened here a year ago in August. Then, three reporters and editors from the Times-Picayune took me out for about three hours Friday afternoon, showing me all the neighborhoods that were flooded from the broken levees and the storm surge that followed Hurricane Katrina.

No Man Is an Island, Unless I'm Playing One

Thu, 21 Sep 2006 00:00:00 EDT

The "Monday Night Football" game between Pittsburgh and Jacksonville was quite tense and taut and the rating was spectacular, but the one disappointment I had afterward was that we never got to show the greatest athletic achievement of my life -- technically, perhaps the only one, but I digress. As Mike Tirico has become fond of saying, "It's all about you, Tony." (Finally, he gets it!) The day before the game, Tirico, Joe Theismann and I went to the TPC Sawgrass course in Ponte Vedra to take our shots at the famous -- and infamous -- island green at No. 17, probably the most recognizable hole on the PGA Tour. We brought a crew with us to film it on the ground and, get this, we hired the Goodyear blimp to film it from above.

After a Visit to Jacksonville, I Feel Like (Whitney) Houston

Wed, 20 Sep 2006 00:00:00 EDT

Last week, I mentioned police escorts and how nice they are. But they can't compare to having your own uniformed, heat-packin' officially licensed police officer to protect your person.

Had I Known, I Would Have Taken a Cab

Thu, 14 Sep 2006 00:00:00 EDT

Have I told you about the police escort yet? While I'm pretty happy overall with this new "Monday Night Football" gig, in retrospect I probably should have read my contract more closely. Right after I checked the paragraphs where my demands for the Kobe beef, the pure water from an Antarctic glacier (bottled by monks, who had taken a vow of silence) and my own personal Fijian masseuse were met, I just glanced over the codicil about "police escorts." I figured that's the second-greatest escort service I could get and I was all set.

There Is Such a Thing As a Stupid Question

Wed, 13 Sep 2006 00:00:00 EDT

I'm not stupid -- I knew there would be perks aplenty when I took this "Monday Night Football" gig. (Did you see me in my new, free Kansas City Chiefs red, official, crested "PTI" blazer? I looked like Hank Stram, before the toupee.) But I didn't expect to be rubbing elbows, hobnobbing and shooting the breeze with real, live, actual actor-celebrity people. Monday night, it was Jamie Foxx and Tom Cruise -- well, truthfully, it was only Jamie Foxx. I wanted to talk to Cruise, but his agent wouldn't let me. I met the agent at Redskins practice on Saturday and pitched the idea of Cruise coming into the booth with us.

No More Dress Rehearsals, No More Make Believe

Mon, 11 Sep 2006 00:00:00 EDT

Having gotten my reps down in four preseason games, I thought I was cruisin'. The regular season was just going to be an extension of what I've already done. And then one of the many helpful people who now surround me tell me that preseason doesn't really count, that this is my big night. (Maybe he's confusing me with Al Saunders and Gregg Williams, huh?) What I've been doing so far is New Haven. This time, it's Broadway! Gaaaaaccckkk!

Blindsided by Bad Karma

Wed, 06 Sep 2006 00:00:00 EDT

One of the things you learn in the post-O.J. world is that it's a mistake to say you really know an athlete and it's a mistake to ascribe to an athlete all sorts of wonderful character traits because, really, sportswriters only see these guys for limited amounts of time and in very controlled circumstances. But one of the young athletes I've come to like is Ben Roethlisberger, the Steelers' quarterback. He's been a guest a number of times on "PTI," where he's been very open, chatty and good-humored. Wilbon and I have seen him outside the locker room and, again, he's been open, chatty and good-humored.

Forget Jordan, Tiger Is the One in Rarified Air

Tue, 05 Sep 2006 00:00:00 EDT

I know this is called Monday Night Diary. And I know this is supposed to be about the football season and my adventures in it, but yesterday was the one Monday until January that I don't have a game and it allowed me to pay attention to the sports I used to pay attention to. If I didn't talk about Tiger Woods today, I'd be an utter moron.

Trying to Catch Up After A Difficult Month's Sleep

Mon, 04 Sep 2006 00:00:00 EDT

I'm enjoying my last little bit of time at home with the family (who, oddly, weren't that happy to see me) before this "Monday Night Football" experiment begins for real. It's good to be home. I get to sleep in my own bed, which feels better than any other bed -- even the one in the presidential suite at that St. Louis hotel. Maybe it's all my stuffed animals. Or the fact that I don't have to buckle myself into bed, like I do on my "mobile home."

We All Have Our Fantasies -- Well, I Do

Thu, 31 Aug 2006 00:00:00 EDT

In order to submerge myself more fully in the "Monday Night Football" experience, I've decided to dip my toe into the world of fantasy football by joining the "PTI" league. I figure I might make a little extra cash, which is always good, and at the very least I'll learn how to pronounce the names of some of these players. (Technically, I'll also be learning who they are, since I've done zero prep. Hmm, now that I think about it, isn't being in a fantasy league a form of insider trading, considering I work for "Monday Night Football?" Didn't Martha Stewart go to the big house for something like that?)

Interacting With Fans Is Risky Business

Wed, 30 Aug 2006 00:00:00 EDT

Those of you stayed up all the way to the end of the "Monday Night Football" game in Cincinnati -- and, believe me, I didn't want to -- will recall that it was resumed after a delay of almost an hour because of lightning. Personally, I couldn't believe that they would send the teams back on the field with nine minutes left in an exhibition game that, at that point, was 41-10. I mean, really, wasn't that enough?

It's Theismann's World, We're Only Paying Rent

Mon, 28 Aug 2006 00:00:00 EDT

So here I am in Cincinnati for tonight's game between the Bengals and Green Bay. The reason to be here is to watch as Carson Palmer tests his left knee for the first time since that playoff game against Pittsburgh in January when, after that one long pass, he went down awkwardly and ripped what medical experts call "the stuffing" out of it.

Bambino, Madden, Kornheiser?

Thu, 24 Aug 2006 00:00:00 EDT

You know how there's that John Madden curse? That every athlete who is on the front of his video game seems to immediately get injured?

In a Memphis Funk, May the Farce Be With You

Wed, 23 Aug 2006 00:00:00 EDT

MEMPHIS  -- So here I am walking in Memphis, walking with my feet 10 feet off of Beale. I'm about to get some barbecue, maybe at the Rendezvous. Because you can work up a serious appetite on this drive-by and walk-by tour of American landmarks. As you remember, I drove by Graceland the other day. (It was too complicated to actually park and then get out and tour. It was soooo hot.) And Tuesday I drove by the Lorraine Motel, where Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated. Everything about it has been preserved, even the DeSoto and Cadillac parked in the lot. Then I walked down Beale Street, where the blues clubs are, including B.B. King's famous joint. Of course, I didn't go in there, either. I don't know why I just stop and stare at these landmarks and don't go in. I know I could learn something inside, but I seem to have the attention span of a foam hand.

Can't Help Falling for Graceland

Mon, 21 Aug 2006 00:00:00 EDT

So here we are in Shreveport, La., for tonight's game with the Cowboys and Saints. Shreveport is the last stop on a bus trip that began over 1,000 miles ago in Minneapolis, stopped in St. Louis, continued through Memphis, where I dallied in front of Graceland (more on that in a second), then went on to the Saints' training camp in Jackson, Miss., and ended here.

Suite Dreams Are Made of This

Thu, 17 Aug 2006 00:00:00 EDT

CLAYTON, Mo. Sometimes you're the windshield. Sometimes you're the bug.

Whaddya Mean, Don't Quit My Day Job?

Wed, 16 Aug 2006 00:00:00 EDT

I don't know if you stayed up for the entire "Monday Night Football" game, but I did for the first time in about 25 years. It also was the first time I was paid to stay up and admittedly that makes a difference. Things were going along pretty well, I thought, and the game was winding down when I had this moment of terror. Suddenly, the Vikings were within field goal range in a three-point game and Theismann leaned over and told me you actually do go to overtime in preseason. I couldn't believe that. I honestly didn't know. I figured it ended in a tie, people shook hands and went home. Because it's an exhibition game, it doesn't count for anything.

Being Viewed in a Whole New Way

Mon, 14 Aug 2006 00:00:00 EDT

MINNEAPOLIS - Well, here I am in Minneapolis and tonight is Monday night and, in my new life, that means I'm working. I'm doing a little thing I hear is called "Monday Night Football."

I Don't Like Learning to Like People

Thu, 10 Aug 2006 00:00:00 EDT

Tomorrow night, we have our last practice game for "Monday Night Football." Mike Tirico, Joe Theismann and I are going to Baltimore to broadcast the Ravens-Giants exhibition game. Of course, it won't be on the air, so you won't be able to see or hear it and I won't have to be spackled with makeup like I will for HDTV, but it will be the first live action we've done. Until this point, all we've done is talk over taped games from last year, which is nothing like doing games that are new and live. (Although, since I didn't see any of last year's games because I need my sleep, they're all new to me. Just yesterday, I heard that the Redskins beat the Cowboys, late, on Monday night. Who knew? Oh. Everybody. )

First in Our Hearts, Third in the Booth

Wed, 09 Aug 2006 00:00:00 EDT

Yesterday, I talked about how people always ask me if I'm busy preparing for "Monday Night Football." Today, I want to tell you the other question they invariably ask. (And no, it is not, "Have you had your eyes done?") They look at me with a big grin and say, "Are you excited about doing 'Monday Night Football?' " They have a grin on their faces because they would be excited about doing "Monday Night Football." Recognizing that, I always say: "Yeah, I'm very excited. Thanks for asking."

'Monday Night Football': My Good Snooze Spoiled

Tue, 08 Aug 2006 00:00:00 EDT

As he embarks on a new adventure as the third man (with Mike Tirico and Joe Theismann) in the "Monday Night Football" booth, Tony Kornheiser is taking his readers along for the ride. It's going to get awfully crowded on his bus and, for heaven's sake, don't ask if we're there yet.

Oink! Oink! Can You Say Chauvinist Baseball Pig?

Tue, 25 Apr 2006 00:00:00 EDT

Exactly which planet is Keith Hernandez living on?

Cleveland's Not to Blame For This Mistake on the Lake

Mon, 24 Apr 2006 00:00:00 EDT

Okay, Game 1 probably won't be included in the season DVD. Talk about flat-lining. If the world was as flat as the Wizards were Saturday afternoon in Cleveland, Columbus would have sailed over the edge. (And then where would Ohio State be? But I digress.) Exactly what were the Wizards focused on during the game, "The Da Vinci Code"?