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the Difficult Listening Channel

The sounds in my head become the sounds in yours.

Copyright: Michael I. Oster 2014

Difficult Listening Channel - 267 - Tampons Aren’t Funny, Take My Word or: Jake Got the Prototype

Tue, 17 Feb 2015 10:41:00 EST

Did I smell mothballs and think of Grandma? Or, did I think of Grandma and smell mothballs? Both the order and the irony tormented me for weeks. Dammit Bitch! Get out of my head! This is 1955 and we don’t have flying cars or anything. Just cheap first generation jets and who wants to risk their lives on one of those! So what if you can smoke like a chimney at 30,000 feet. Not that any of this matters, and I left my erratic thoughts and went back to plowing the field. It was hot and dusty. In the distance a rabbit scampered. My useless hound paid it no attention. Then, a shot rang out and I literally watched that bunny explode into millions of bloody bits. Martha, you’ve ruined dinner again! Ike is coming over and he loves rabbit. How am I supposed to get all those soggy bits back together by sun-down? Looks like it’s time for another trip to the woodshed. The sun was still bright in the late afternoon. A light haze formed on the horizon. My heat exhaustion was just kicking into full gear and my diaper was getting wet and heavy. Just another day on the ranch. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 266 - Big Hairy Furry and the Nasty Snotmaker or: Who Farted?

Thu, 29 Jan 2015 12:31:00 EST

The last thing I remember was that she had a rag to my face. Now I’m confronted with the only smell that I consider worse than the combination of synthetic gardenia and cat urine: cooked green peas. ‘Breakfast time, Junior.’ It was the unmistakable voice of Ethel. What’s she doing here? That’s when my senses had sharpened up enough to realize that I was tied up, seated in some kind of high chair. It was cold, and that’s when I noticed that I was wearing only a diaper. Ethel entered the room carrying an overflowing bowl of steamy green peas. ‘Here you are sweetie.’ She started to spoon feed me a heaping helping of the peas. ‘Damnit Ethel! Let me go. Get that shit away from me before I fucking puke on you.’ I was both scared and pissed. ‘We’ve got to eat our peas before bath time, Junior.’ I was quickly overcome by the smell and projectile vomited all over Ethel. She wiped off her face and leaned in close to me and hissed, ‘Now don’t be difficult. It’s time to eat your peas.’ I started to squirm even harder, doing whatever I could to free myself but was unsuccessful. She continued to spoon more peas into my mouth and no matter how much I spit out she seemed to have another spoonful at the ready. I closed my eyes and tried to go to my happy place. Something told me this was going to be a long night. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 265 - Stupidity Strikes Again or: LOL, WTF?

Mon, 29 Sep 2014 10:35:00 EDT

There had been some really crazy ideas brought up to combat the economic collapse. The stupidest one that was implemented had to be the one where they reanimated Ronald Reagan. I guess they figured since he did such a good job of getting the economy going in the early 1980’s, they could count on him again today. Using the latest scientific procedures and the best minds around, they proceeded to bring the past president back to life. Like I said, that had to be the shittiest idea ever. Within seconds, Reagan turned on his handlers. He had incredible strength and speed which he used to easily break free of his restraints. Then, he literally tore through the living flesh of all those around him. Doctors, scientists, military, there was no difference. Each tasted equally good to the former president. Alarms sounded and the containment gasses were released. It wasn’t enough. Reagan had busted out and was now running wild. Gunshots rang out but did absolutely nothing to slow ‘The Gipper’ down. He had taken out the perimeter guards with almost no resistance as he ripped off human limbs, eating as he ran. Once on open ground, there was nothing to stop Reagan short of an air strike which just happened to be ‘the plan of last resort’. With that, a pair of A-10 Warthogs blasted the area to shreds using their cannon and bombs. Flames and smoke covered the grounds where Reagan had briefly run amok. Victory was short lived, however, as just minutes later and a mile or so away screams were heard as fresh flesh was ripped into. Reagan was still on the loose. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 264 - Top Secret Password Decoder or: Pickles Climbs the Walls

Wed, 17 Sep 2014 10:55:00 EDT

Couldn’t she stay in Boca with her grandkids for just a little longer? Maybe permanently? Is that too much to ask for? I guess so. Well, Ethel’s back and you could smell her a mile away, but that’s not the worst of it. Of course she’s got all kinds of new cat stories that she’s just itching to share. Now her sights are fixed on me. Why….? Why me? This is no way to spend my golden years, I can tell you. All the aches and pains are bad enough, but to have to put up with Ethel even for five minutes. Actually, it’s never for just five minutes. Once she’s in, she never leaves. Like a resistant infection in a sweltering jungle. You can’t get rid of it. And, oh, how the combination of synthetic gardenia and cat urine is especially fragrant today. I think the air conditioning isn’t working again. It’s always the same…. ‘Let me tell you about my kitties,’ she says. Then it spirals out of control from there. All one can do at that point is pray for a quick death. Any death as long as it’s fast. Hell, I’d take getting shredded by a rabid velociraptor over story time with Ethel any day and twice on Sunday. But, I’m not blessed with such an outcome. She’s in my room and she’s not about to leave. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 263 - Down in the Canyon, To the Abyss or: When Quick Reflexes Aren’t Enough

Wed, 10 Sep 2014 09:15:00 EDT

Thirty years ago this guitar riff would have been a derelict. Just a worthless magnetic signal imprinted on a cheap dusty cassette. Now, it’s the backbone for a mega hit. Had music really degraded into this? Bob was indeed perplexed. The process had evolved over decades, but his neurons had finally hit critical mass today. He angrily switched off his radio. But what was really bothering Bob was his chronic constipation. It felt like twenty pounds of crusty boulders were lodged in his gut. Like this shitty new music, Bob seemed stuck with this overbearing blockage like a massive anchor. He’d have to find his relief and inspiration elsewhere because none of his trusted remedies were working. The airwaves were congested with AutoTuned hell and his guts were filled with years of built up waste and he was beyond desperate. A deep autumn sun began to set as he thought back to his high school days of long ago. Just then, a faint wisp of synthetic gardenia and cat urine crept into his room. ‘Fuck! Ethel’s back,’ he thought. Now he had real problems. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 262 - Matilda Jones and the Fart Locust or: Now Comes the Fun Part

Tue, 02 Sep 2014 12:12:00 EDT

This was just like a ‘part 2’ of an epic trilogy where the bad guys get the upper hand and it looks like there’s no way out. Jeff was in the middle of a massive body cleanse. One that was ripping apart his digestive tract in an attempt to eventually reset his whole system. However, the effects were horrible, even worse than when he ate those tacos at that Ukrainian beach bash last year. During the middle of his twelve hour straight, gut wrenching contractions, he managed to dislodge a small alien probe which had been implanted many years ago. The pain was excruciating leaving him with only enough strength to quietly weep. It was about two inches long, blemished and rusty. There was a small yellow blinking light on one of its ends. Through the intense pain, his curiosity was triggered. He briefly considered reaching into the waste-filled bowl to retrieve the small probe, but decided against it. God only knew what else was in that blob of festering ooze. That’s when the light started to blink faster. Then came the whining sound. Louder and faster the sound and light increased exponentially. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 261 - Things I Heard at the Gun Store or: Neckbeard and Sons

Tue, 29 Jul 2014 11:54:00 EDT

The boy had lied all along. There was a spoon! And what resulted was devastating. Even worse than when Dr. Von Zurnbler crossed zombies with vampires. And nobody has forgotten that. The entire city was under siege by those blood-thirsty, brain eaters. And how the hell do you kill one? Exactly. Well, now we find out that there actually was a spoon. And that damned boy was caught in the act, eating Rice Kripsies with it. The nerve of that little bastard! Well we showed him. Kind of like how that town reacted to the monster of Frankenstein. That’s right, they burned that little bastard to a crisp, then spread the ashes into the lake just to make sure. Oh, and the spoon? It was melted down and dropped into the ocean, never to be heard from again. Overkill you say? Well, obviously you weren’t there. You didn’t suffer through it. But, had you been, I’m sure you’d have gone along with the rest of us. Unless, you too, are hiding a spoon. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 260 - That Taste, That Smell or: Rover Took Over

Wed, 09 Jul 2014 11:05:00 EDT

‘I have a voodoo doll and I know how to use it.’ With that, Tom knew Jessica was breaking up with him for good. And he began to really fear for his life. During the ‘puppy love’ time, back when they first got together, Tom enjoyed hearing Jessica’s stories of how she terrorized her exes from afar with the help of a strange doll. He never saw the thing, and he didn’t really believe. But there was that one time. That time when the two of them actually ran into one of her ex boyfriends named Frank. Frank was a complete wreck. He looked like he’d been through a war. He was practically homeless and penniless. All he kept doing during the short encounter was apologize and beg Jessica to forgive him. She just smiled, then glanced at Tom. Well, a year went by and Tom had only briefly thought of that chance meeting. But now the relationship soured and Jessica had cut the cord. Not that Tom didn’t have it coming. I mean, what good can come from drinking that much and hanging out at strip clubs? So Tom wasn’t entirely surprised the next day when he was in the shower and, while scrubbing his groin, he noticed a rash. This was only the beginning. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 259 - Guilt-free Bubblebath or: How to Get Thin and Become Rich!

Mon, 30 Jun 2014 12:52:00 EDT

Sammy especially enjoyed when his officemate Jane dressed up as Lord Humongous, made him wear a diaper, gagged, and tied him up in the mail room. It was a strange relationship, but one that the two of them had grown used to. Yes, there were rumors that circulated amongst the staff. Even management had caught a whiff. But sales were up and profits were huge, so the gossip was largely ignored. Things would get a little weird at the annual Christmas party as the fresh scent of baby powder filled the room. Also, you couldn’t help but trip over the discarded ball gags, or slip on the slimy drool. Then Sammy got transferred to another division. Sales dropped and he became deeply depressed. Even though he petitioned management for his old position, he was refused. A year later, Sammy was the night manager at a nearby Pizza Hut. Occasionally, Jane would stop in for a large supreme, dressed in her old costume. But it wasn’t the same. They tried hard to bring back the magic, but all the baby powder, diapers, and ball gags just didn’t seem to work. Maybe the stale pizza sauce and greasy aroma dampened their senses. Nobody knows for sure. But, looking back, some consider it the greatest love story ever told. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 258 - Flaps and Cakes or: When Binkle Met Clyde

Tue, 17 Jun 2014 12:54:00 EDT

Horned toad said we should go to Mexico. But, again, nobody listened. Was it that he was so small, he was considered insignificant? Or, that he was just a reptile? Centuries ago, when people were less civilized, they listened to the horned toad. Nowadays, his suggestions are noise in the wind. Truth was, the horned toad was wise. Wise beyond his years. And when the horned toad told someone they should go somewhere or do something, well they really should. Not only that, the horned toad also picked stocks and predicted the winning lottery numbers with a laser-like accuracy. Problem was that nobody ever listened. Then, one day, the toad was gone and along with him all the knowledge and advice that he had. Now, humanity was really on its own. And for the first time, in great peril. Shortly thereafter, divisions of AK47 wielding cats were simultaneously dispersed across the planet. Their mission was complete world domination. And to think that this could have all been prevented if the people would have just listened to the horned toad. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 257 - So, it’s Come to This? or: Reggie Eats Peanut Butter from a Can

Tue, 10 Jun 2014 10:30:00 EDT

At age 2, he had taught the family cat to speak fluent Spanish. Two years later, he built a supercomputer in his basement using his toys and discarded junk parts. By age 7, he had his first Ph, D. On his tenth birthday, his fledgling software company went public and he became an instant billionaire. In his spare time, he synthesized vaccines to treat diseases that most people had not even heard of…yet. Of course, people of influence were drawn to him, looking for advice and handouts. Some even encouraged him to run for public office. However, he wouldn’t even consider that as he despised politicians and could’t even find one that he trusted. One day, an anonymous envelope arrived at NASA headquarters. Inside were the schematics for an Earth - Mars spaceship. It featured a sophisticated new propulsion system that until now had only been a product of fantasy. Now travel to and from the red planet could be achieved in less than a week. By his twenty-first birthday, the demands had become too much. Not just from the outside; as he was internally driven to create at levels that would be considered insane by most people. He simply disappeared. Nobody knew were, though it was speculated that he was living somewhere in the vast expanse of the Arizona desert. Isolated, with no electricity or running water. Not even a cellphone. Just a few cactus shrubs, rattlesnakes and the faint echo of dreams long gone. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 256 - Curse of the Nigerian Scam Artist or: Doggie Made Me Do It

Tue, 03 Jun 2014 11:53:00 EDT

To say that Henry had a drooling problem was a bit of an understatement. But everyone has their issues, right? However, being that he was only four, his parents figured that it was something he’d simply outgrow. They couldn’t have been more wrong. Fast forward twenty years. Henry’s now a young adult. Brilliant, but also a massive drooler. Additionally, he had an uncontrollable habit of chasing butterflies which was a problem when he was driving. And, yes, who could blame the arresting officer who found the smashed car and a scraped up, drooling Henry chasing butterflies at the scene of the accident? Luckily, nobody was hurt. Now, here’s where it got interesting. While in court, defending his ‘driving while impaired’ citation, Henry met Jane. She couldn’t have been more than two years his junior. Jane was the court reporter. Typing away with a stream of drool running down her lower lip onto her dress. It was a match made in heaven. The two courted for only a month before the wedding was announced. Then came the baby. Junior was the product of two heavy droolers. It was inevitable, maybe even an act of God. He was a little freak of nature. Only six months old, but already exceeding the drool output of his parents combined! Then he got away.... email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 255 - Baby Poops the Pool or: Razorblades and the Magic Scab Police

Tue, 27 May 2014 11:08:00 EDT

Billy’s English teacher finally had enough. ‘Yes, Mrs. Crabtree?’ ‘Billy your writing is simply too over the top. Your subject matter is, for lack of a better description, disturbing. Most kids your age write about football or catching fish with their father. You write about things that consistently give me nightmares and sometimes even make me nauseous. Zombie attacks, mutant animals, vomit, vaginas that look like sea urchins, demonically possessed Teddy Ruxpin bears, sex robots! I could go on, but I’m sure you get the picture. I don’t know how you come up with this stuff, but I really think you need help. I’m going to give you an ‘A’ on your last assignment because you have a talent for imagery. But, really, if you don’t start toning down your subject matter, then it’s going to be off to the school psychiatrist for you. And you know what that means?’ Billy responded, ‘Yes ma’am. It means that I’ll be medicated into a drunken stupor and then strapped naked to a cold metal table. Next thing that will happen is that aliens will enter the room dressed in 1950’s era US Air Force uniforms. They’ll perform experiments on me. Painful, invasive experiments. Then, after several days of studying and probing, they’ll become disinterested and return me to class. Just like the last time you sent me to the psychiatrist.’ ‘Billy….You know what? Just….Never mind.’ email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 254 - Insane in the Mainframe or: Now We Can Be Besties!

Mon, 19 May 2014 13:05:00 EDT

10 minutes ago, Jack was serving the nice people of table 16. Now, he’s eating them. That’s kind of how things happen during a zombie outbreak. Jack had goals and dreams. He was an aspiring actor. Now he only has a hunger, and a sprint that would make Usain Bolt jealous. The infection had short-circuited his brain to the point that now his only purpose was to consume. And like the other zombies, that’s exactly what he did. Interestingly, every so often, he’d get a mental flash. Like a fading image of a dream or something that happened in his life long ago. And, that’s probably what drove him to especially focus on consuming children. It was an infected toddler that had bitten him and turned Jack the waiter into Jack the ripper. Call it revenge, or simply a meaningless receding imprint. Nevertheless Jack had a taste for the hair of the toddler that bit him. For some time, Jack lived the simple life. He ate whomever he could catch. But it was not to last forever. One beautiful Spring morning Jack was dining alone on a fresh catch. This time, a retiree. A bit bland and stringy, but Jack didn’t care. He was hungry. As he chewed into the soon to be reanimated carcass, his right arm was blasted completely off. There was no pain, however, only a brief interruption in his feeding. Jack turned and briefly met eyes with Jethro, a Kentucky redneck through and through. A second blast from Jethro’s twelve gauge was all it took. Jack’s head exploded into thousands of wet, gory bits. His body collapsed to the ground like a discarded rag doll. A thick, tar like fluid oozed from his corpse. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 253 - Mafia Sports Car Legend or: Corpse and Bagels

Mon, 12 May 2014 09:42:00 EDT

Lunch at the cafe was a little slow for this time of year. Nevertheless, the tips were good and Jack was enjoying the crisp spring air on what was supposed to be his day off. That’s when he got his first exposure to the zombie outbreak. Instantly, the mid-day serenity had gone from placid to all-out insanity. He had a tray full of fresh sandwiches and mouthwatering burgers and was heading towards table 16. Then, with the force of a semi truck, he was knocked down by a rancid, reanimated, former human. Now covered in sliced turkey, lettuce and ketchup, Jack quickly regained his composure and did what he saw the others around him do which was to run like hell. Now Jack was looking for any kind of weapon. And, he was flooded with the overwhelming thought of ‘why hadn’t he taken his brother up on the offer to go to the gun range?’ But, right now is a little too late for any advanced weapons training, or introductory, for that matter. Besides, where’s he going to get a gun right now? Then he felt a lump of dead weight on his right leg along with a searing pain. His pace staggered as he looked down to see what looked like a bloody a toddler biting into his exposed flesh. It was excruciating and gory. He fought to get that dammed ankle biter off of him. Then, the infection quickly took hold, and Jack’s final human thought was something like being surprised that the kids were zombies too. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 252 - In a Forest….With Idiots or: Barely a Millionaire

Tue, 06 May 2014 10:26:00 EDT

As the sun set, Martin gazed outward as a cruel thought kept looping inside his head. Was he too late to the game? Had he missed his last chance? A small tremor in his gut quickly grew into an overwhelming nervous sensation. Then he puked. Just like that, a six-pack of Busch and a Subway meatball sub went outward with a fierce projectile force right over the balcony. What a waste. He was now out of beer and he had used his only remaining Subway coupon. It didn’t really matter anyway as his wallet was completely empty. Perhaps he shouldn’t have told Michelle that he thought her vagina looked like a sea urchin. One thing was for certain, Martin had made many mistakes over the last 24 hours. It seemed like his ADD and thirst for cheap beer had really gotten the best of him. Fortunately, he knew how to handle himself in situations like this. But the gathering seagulls had grabbed his attention. He spent the next 30 minutes photographing the birds as they consumed the pool of fresh puke. It was vulgar, but somehow, in a strange way, creative. And it meant something to him. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 251 - Artificial Selfie or: It Hurts When I Do That

Tue, 29 Apr 2014 14:31:00 EDT

Gus was the kind of person who’s genius only occasionally surfaced. Most of the time he simply blended into the mass detritus of mediocrity and as a result he was hardly ever noticed. But now he was hung over and with his term paper due in less than three hours, his brain switched in to ’a hardly ever used’ overdrive. Working diligently, he spent just under forty minutes crafting what was later to become known as the finest paper ever submitted in that university’s long history. He titled it ‘Constipation in the Early 20th Century’ and it was nothing less than groundbreaking. The problem was that the paper was for an advanced Physics class and his professor lacked any sense of humor, not that Gus had ever intended any. This was a serious paper about a serious subject, which unfortunately had nothing to do with the material covered in advanced Physics. Gus did however plead his case to the professor claiming that creativity can’t just be changed on a whim. He even went so far as to imply that the paper did theorize the vectors and velocities of hyper-output colonic evacuations. However, the professor would have nothing of it. Nevertheless, he did give Gus a ‘C’ for simply having the guts to submit such a paper. Later that year, Gus’ Physics professor applied for a patent for a new high-pressure enema. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 250 - Wife With a Magnum or: How Daisy Became Dead

Mon, 21 Apr 2014 12:35:00 EDT

Remember how I told you that if you were ever in one of my dreams to not get on an elevator? Of course you do. Well, there’s more. See, in my dreams, I can never, and I repeat, never ever, find my car. No matter how hard I look. No matter how long I look, it’s just not there. And the little beeper on the key fob that can remotely unlock or lock the car? Yeh, if it works at all, it triggers someone else’s car, so that’s pretty much useless. But, me being me, I keep on looking nevertheless, like it’s going to make a difference. Hell, I go from parking lot to parking lot searching in vain. Oh, and then let’s just say in the off chance that help arrives…. Like this one dream where my sister showed up to give me a lift to a remote lot where my car might be. You think she’s a bad driver in real life? Try her in make believe land!! It was just like being in one of those out of control dream elevators except in traffic. She’s complaining about the ineptitude of the other drivers as she cuts across several active lanes of traffic. I’m flying everywhere as I think that I probably should have not gotten in her car in the first place. Perhaps I was better off only having to find my nonexistent car because riding with my sister as the driver is the real nightmare! email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 249 - Running with a MILF or: Bag of Tuna Can of Worms

Sat, 12 Apr 2014 16:15:00 EDT

When you’ve been out in space for as long as Jack has you begin to miss the little things. You know, like flush toilets, solid food, a blue sky. Hell, he hadn’t seen a human woman in decades and had just about forgotten what they looked like, or smelled like. You know, holographic images only go so far. Then there was the fresh air. He’d been breathing that recirculated shit for ages and his lungs were caked solid with the processed gunk that routinely accumulated in those old ships. He could hardly walk a flight of stairs now because his breathing was so inhibited. Though he was told a few months of medical rehab would get his lungs back to that of a 20 year old’s. He’d believe it when he actually experienced it. And the artificial gravity had played a number on his balance. Seems those early cargo freighters suffered from more than faulty navigation systems. Let’s just say that synthetic gravity has come a long way since Jack had first left Earth. But now that he was back, for real this time, what was he going to do? His family and friends had long since died. Though he had some distant cousin that was the son of a son of a long lost relative of his. The kid was probably an asshole though. At least they were serving meatloaf today. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 248 - Busting Up the Disco or: I Used to Touch Fawn This Way

Tue, 01 Apr 2014 13:31:00 EDT

It was nothing short of a miracle that they had made it through the fifth grade. Each one dumber than the last, they represented the elite of the stupid, if that was even possible. Yet, they individually believed in their own personal genius, even though there was never any evidence of such. It was only natural that they became the best of friends and constant companions. Together, the four of them became responsible for such innocent and stupid mishaps as the fire that consumed the town’s only manufacturing plant. And the train derailment? Yes, that was their child too. As collectively, they decided that a beaver dam should be built right on the main tracks. And, quickly, they set to constructing the project. There it stood in all its splendor. Some twenty feet high, it was a sight to be seen. A giant pile of wooden debris. And when the train smashed into it, well, it was nothing short of disaster. Yet, the group could only weep for the dead beavers that inhabited the dam. In fact, there were no inhabitants in the human-made dam. It was then decided that the town should change its name. Shortly thereafter, all the signs with the old name were removed. And, the group was set to wander aimlessly, looking forever for the town of former name. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 247 - Birthing Hips and the Generous Gift of Cat Vomit or: Beating the Sensitive Dolphin

Tue, 25 Mar 2014 14:22:00 EDT

The day started out innocently enough with young Anthony outside digging holes. Usually he’s not allowed out of the house because he can’t stop digging, but somehow he’s managed to escape. So he continues wandering and digging. Eventually, Anthony haphazardly makes his way to the local secret military base where he eagerly continues his relentless digging. His presence goes undetected for over two hours until suddenly, he unearths Dr. Von Zurnbler's most dangerous creation ever. The creature which was awakened from its eternal slumber becomes highly agitated. It viscously rips off poor Anthony’s head then lets out an ear-bleeding shriek which can be heard for miles. Alarms sound and defensive actions are taken, but it’s already too late. Nothing that the military can offer up on such short notice has any effect on the creature. Then out of sheer desperation Dr. Von Zurnbler himself is contacted. Though he’s been institutionalized and heavily medicated for the last decade, the authorities held out hope that he could be of some assistance since it was he who created this thing. Unfortunately, all the good doctor can do is fecal paint geometric figures on the walls. It seems that the town is doomed. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 246 - 20 Years a Babe or: Careful, It Bites

Tue, 11 Mar 2014 12:48:00 EDT

Douglas was well known for having the uncanny gift of finding meaning in the connection of seemingly unrelated events. He was also considered by many to be just a step above the village idiot when it came to innate intelligence. Nevertheless, whether for true advice or simply for entertainment, Douglas was constantly sought out to give his unique perspective on many things. For instance, once a critic, he was now a true believer in global warming as a result of the Nelson’s collie getting into the family’s laxative stash. That, combined with the fact that Lucy accidentally wiped herself with the company’s winning lottery ticket. Basically it was a ‘no brainer’ for Douglas. He was from that point on, ‘on the bandwagon’. He even traded in his V-6 gas guzzler for a hybrid. There was no going back. Even the most mundane of events would trigger a response in Douglas. Upon seeing the Johnson’s trash can turned over, Douglas cancelled his vacation. He believed that the plane he was on would develop engine trouble and have to land in someplace a little dangerous, like Detroit. Two weeks later, his intended flight was diverted to Detroit briefly because of engine problems. A week following that, the White House contacted Douglas, looking for him to fill an advisory position. Douglas declined, however, fearing a potential of alien abduction. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 245 - Jumping the Red Eye to Mars or: I Don't Have ADHD…. I Have a Gift

Tue, 04 Mar 2014 18:14:00 EDT

Jason pushed the red button and started the feedback loop that would soon be unstoppable. His sister, Stephanie, stood nearby watching in horror. Within seconds, the room began to shudder. Books, trophies, and miscellaneous knickknacks dropped from shelves to the floor. The smell of burning plastic enveloped the room. Out of the corner of her fearful eye, Stephanie witnessed her beloved tabby cat, Mister Sprinkles, dart under the bed to an ill-perceived save haven. In less than a minute, the entire second floor of their house was buckling from the growling rumble - a side effect of the process now set into motion. 'We've got to get out of here now, Jason.' 'You can go, but I'm staying, Chickenshit'! That was Jason's pet name for his baby sister. He'd called her that since about the time she could walk. 'Fine. I'm telling Mom when she get's home.' 'Yeh, try it and see what happens to your Barbie collection', Jason lashed back. The sound had reached an almost ear-bleeding intensity as the little white popcorns dropped from the ceiling. Stephanie couldn't take any more. She reached under the bed, grabbed her kitty and fled the room. Then, the sound instantly stopped. The chaos had turned to quiet as the house went black. It was over. 'Damnit bitch!' That was Jason's other pet name for his baby sister. He knew exactly what she'd done and he was royally pissed. Stephanie's Barbies were about to be melted. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 244 - A Thrilling In-Depth Look at the Art of Growing Grass or: Finally, an Accurate Description of Something

Wed, 26 Feb 2014 11:23:00 EDT

The stench from Jeffrey's magnificent tonsil stone collection had gotten out of hand. His house now smelled worse than that crazy cat lady's down the street. His mother, who loved him dearly and always supported him, had to do something about this. She tried to get him interested in other hobbies like football, chess, stamp collecting, or even catching lizards. Nothing worked. Little Jeffery's passion was tonsil stones and there was nothing that his parents could do about it. He took great care in his collection, even naming each individual stone. But this was too much. Finally, his mother got the idea of burning down the house. Though, initially her husband was against it, even he finally caved as Jeffery's collection was just too much to handle. So the family went on one of those week-long trips to Disney. The plan was going perfectly and even Jeffery seemed to be having fun. Then the phone call came. Their house was in ashes. Everything was gone…just like they planned. Weeks later, however, while temporarily living in a Holiday Inn Express, Jeffery's mom caught a whiff of that familiar, yet repulsive smell. Down at the bottom of Jeffery's Ninja Turtles lunchbox, a Ziploc bag full of fermenting stones exploded. That's when his mom realized that the vacation, the burning of the house, their complete sacrifice…was for nothing. Jeffery had brought his prized collection with him. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 243 - Matilda and the Giant Sea Clam or: It's Always True if it's On the Internet

Tue, 18 Feb 2014 10:48:00 EDT

'I didn't know robots could do that!' Sam exclaimed. 'Sure. They've been doing it for a long time now.' His best friend Jake replied. 'Well, we've got to make one.' And with that Sam led Jake to the garage where they began scavenging for parts from his Dad's old Macintosh. The two spend days putting together salvaged computer parts and other interesting fragments that they grabbed while dumpster diving. Though their intentions were good, at first, they had achieved nothing but a random mess. Weeks passed, though, and the boys finally had something to show for the time they had invested. On the outside, their product did indeed resemble the robot that they saw on the internet. Below the surface was a different matter. They had somehow managed to put together the finest sex bot that the neighborhood had ever seen. Troubled as their parents were, however, Jake and Sam did get grounded as their creation only spewed out the foulest of language. But, once both sets of parents tried the unit out..for research purposes of course…the boys were soon released to go play outdoors. Alas, their robot had been confiscated never to be seen again. But, just about any night, if you listen really close, you can almost hear it. Someone's put that robot to work. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 242 - One Short of a Baker's Dozen or: I Want to Buy Some Truck Stop Sushi and Eat it off Your Naked Body

Tue, 11 Feb 2014 12:26:00 EDT

Shelly's goal to have the laundromat all to herself was about to be realized. In her right pocket was a frayed white rag. In her left pocket, she carried a small bottle of chloroform. She was determined and she had what she believed to be a flawless plan. Only and act of God could stop her. Carefully, she placed her clothes in the washer making sure not to do anything to attract any unnecessary attention. Things were going just as she had anticipated. The thuds of the dropping bodies were well covered up by the droning hum of the washer dryers. Then she came to Rick. She'd never seen him before. He was pretty much a skinny geek. But there was something about him that she was incredibly attracted to. Not wanting to deviate, however, she placed the wet rag over Rick's face and just like the others, he dropped to the floor. Hours later, Rick awoke in a strange woman's apartment. He was tied to the bed and the scent of freshly washed laundry filled the air. Shelly was folding clothes in front of him and singing a love song that was popular in the 1940's. She mentioned something about dinner being almost ready. Then, the poodle scampered in. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 241 - Femur for Your Thoughts or: I See You've Met My Girlfriend

Sun, 02 Feb 2014 14:16:00 EDT

It was like being away from one of your favorite places for a very long time. You go back, only to discover that it's changed so much. Your friends are gone. All that remains is someone you barely knew along with many strangers. They run the place. They're friendly, but it's not the same. This place is just a shadow of what you remember. A haunting shadow with a slight aroma that takes you back. However, you know you can't really go back there. Not even for a little while. And this place, though tempting, isn't even close. But part of you wants to stay. Even if just to grasp at what little remains, no matter how bitter it may be. You spend what seems like hours immersing yourself in the images before you. Looking for clues. Looking for answers. Then it hits you…. You have malaria and suffer from an intense fever. Your mind is playing tricks on you and nothing makes sense. Still, it's better than hanging out at a 6 year old's birthday party surrounded by dozens of screaming children. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 240 - Decompressing the Compressor or: Bring Up the Carrots and Cream

Sat, 25 Jan 2014 17:38:00 EDT

The graduating class of 2183 awaited Fleet Admiral Sanchez's commencement speech. 'Ladies, gentlemen, faculty, staff and graduates. Let me start out by stating the most important thing that you'll ever hear in your careers: space travel 'aint for pussies. That's right. You think you're going to graduate and eagerly head out into the stars to plant your seeds in every green or purple or green-purple with stripes alien bitch that you encounter…well it's not going to be like that at all. More than likely you'll become a spore receptacle for a Six-tongued Noctarian Flame Sponge at your first port of call. If you're lucky enough to be one the 10 percent who survive the harvest, you'll be transferred to a mental ward where you'll undergo a six month protocol of intra-cranial neural reconstruction. After that, you lucky few will be sent out again on one of those heaps of shit we call a space cruiser where you'll probably be blasted into dust by a Zaphnarian attack frigate. Or you could again get lucky like I was and only have a bulkhead collapse on your pelvis as your ship decompresses. That way you survive knowing that your legs, schlong and balls burned up in the atmosphere of Zaphnar 7. But don't worry, you'll get a new synthetic mechanical lower half just like I did. And you get promoted, then redeployed once again to some far away shithole where you will later enjoy the painful 8 month journey traveling through the bowels of a Tobarian Snow Devil. Then you'll get shit out and re-ingested by a female Snow Devil during mating season. That's right kids. You should have stayed home and become farmers. But it's too late for that cause now you belong to the Fleet.' email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 239 - I Shot the Shetland But I Did Not Shoot No Kennedy or: Garble Gabble Blab Blab Blab

Tue, 14 Jan 2014 12:16:00 EDT

There was shocking new evidence gathered from the Zapruder film that was about to rock the foundations of the entire world. Supercomputer technology had finally revealed who or what was behind that puff of smoke on the grassy knoll. It was unbelievable to say the least, but the computers didn't have any reason to lie. The shadowy figure was positively identified as a Teddy Ruxpin bear. And not just any bear. Facial recognition programs showed that this particular bear had been sold on eBay to a housewife located in one of the flyover states in late 2012. Impossible, but factual. The software was never wrong! So how was a stuffed animal that was manufactured in the mid 1980's able to go back into time so many years to be involved in the crime of the century? Further evidence had revealed that this particular bear had become possessed by a sinister and vile demonic spawn sometime in the mid 1990's. As host to said spawn the Ruxpin bear had caused all kinds of horror and terror for approximately 15 years, then suddenly it went underground. There were no records to the whereabouts of the bear. No clues to its existence. Some said the bear was destroyed by that housewife. Others speculated that the bear was in hiding. Waiting. Growing stronger. So how did the bear resurface in 1963 and what evil did it have planned next? email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 238 - French Nipple Toilet Comedy or: Run a Hundred Yards Get a Hundred Babes

Thu, 09 Jan 2014 12:46:00 EDT

Jane was finally able to get a moment alone with Joey. 'I have to tell you something really important Joey....When I fart, I think of you. Not just that. There's more really. Like last week when you didn't see me in school. The night before we went to El Loco Grande and I had the spicy burrito meal. Well I was sick all night and the next day. I was in the bathroom the whole time. It was horrible and very painful. My tummy was killing me. And….I…thought of you the whole time. Not just part of the time. All of the time. Even when I was wiping. I think I love you and want to have your babies. I want to become old people with you and have our teeth fall out together. I'm sure of it.' Joey looked at Jane with a hollow-gazed stare but said absolutely nothing. How could he respond to something like that? He'd heard of crushes before, but nothing like this. He wasn't prepared. So he did the only thing he could do: take four steps back and run like hell. Could you blame him? After all, that's a lot to drop on a third grader. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 237 - A Classic Case of Overcompensation or: A Fool, A Moron and An Idiot Walk Into a Bar

Mon, 16 Dec 2013 18:20:00 EDT

It was my girlfriend Sarah's and my one week anniversary. I knew that tonight was going to be the night that we went all the way so I made sure that everything was very special. I took her out for an expensive dinner and desert. Then we had a bottle of wine and shared our innermost thoughts and dreams. Finally we made it back to my apartment and things started going just as I had planned. Once we got really heavy I decided to give Sarah some 'south of the border' pleasure that I was sure she would enjoy. Well, things progressed from there and it was really heating up. Then I suddenly stopped what I was doing and popped up from under the covers. 'Oh my God….What the hell is this!!!' I exclaimed with what I'm sure was a shocked look on my face. In my left hand was a bloody blob about half the size of a human heart. Sarah did a complete 180, going from pleasure to terror, 'What the hell is that Jack?' Her skin went pale as she curled up into a ball on the bed. Just then I blurt out, 'HA HA DUDE, YOU'VE BEEN FETUS-ED!!!! Turn and look at the camera, right over there!' And, again there was no camera. I'm still working on my idea for a reality show pilot, but it's not going as well as I had anticipated. Sarah's in the ICU in a horror-induced coma. I'm in jail and once again, I'm all out of pig fetuses. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 236 - From the Doublewide to the Burbs or: Rock the Cats' Box

Mon, 09 Dec 2013 13:02:00 EDT

In a small rural town just south or Nowhere, Iowa little Jeremy sits in math class when he becomes lightheaded and his eyes glaze over. 'Teacher…I just felt a great disturbance in the universal energy field….As if millions of stock brokers and bankers suddenly soiled themselves and then went silent. I have to go home now.' With that, Jeremy got up and left school. Meanwhile on Wall Street, a massive and fast growing stench cloud envelopes the area making it almost impossible for people to breathe. This is just the first of what will be a series of tragic outcomes that are the direct result of the stopping of the Quantitative Easing. It was done on a Wednesday afternoon when they figured it would be least noticed. However, by Saturday, the dead will rise and civilization will be brought to its knees. What's done cannot be undone and now the mold has been set. Not even the power of Molly's evil possessed Teddy Ruxpin can stand in the way. Like a bad case of Mexican food poisoning, it will just have to be dealt with and hopefully something better can come from the other side. Until then, things are going to be a little rough. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 235 - Slave to the System or: But Not to Her Anatomy

Mon, 02 Dec 2013 12:15:00 EDT

Their worst fears have been confirmed: Molly's Teddy Ruxpin bear is demonically possessed! It all started when Molly's mother purchased the toy on Ebay. She should have stopped at the 'as-is, no refunds or returns' conditions, but the Buy Now price was simply too good to resist. Ever since it arrived, pets around the neighborhood began to mysteriously disappear. At first, hardly anyone noticed. But after a few weeks, major suspicions were aroused. It wasn't fully realized until the cute and cuddly bear was caught mid-act ripping the head off of Molly's beloved tabby cat Mister Winkles. A priest was brought in to perform the exorcism. The ritual was brutal and full of blood, feces, and vomit from both people and stuffed animals alike. The exorcism however was a failure. The priest was lost, but much was learned. Turns out the Ruxpin bear had been the host of a sinister and vile demon spawn for the last decade. It had left behind a path of violent murder that would make even the most grizzly serial killer quiver with fear. Now the only thing that stood in the way of complete world destruction was Molly's determined mother and a rusty 12 Gauge. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 234 - I Was Groped at the Carnival or: Girls in Sweat Pants Crash the High School Dance

Mon, 25 Nov 2013 12:05:00 EDT

Old Joe's wish for world peace was only exceeded by his uncontrollable desire to wipe out those who plotted against him. With each passing year, his foes had succeeded at reducing crop yields, livestock production and indeed all the positive outputs of his beloved farm. After five seasons, Old Joe had systematically wiped out the resistance to his plans. Yet, production was worse than ever. He couldn't understand why this was the case except for the fact that there must still be some kind of conspiracy hiding deep in the shadows. However all that was left was his faithful mule Charlie. Charlie had been by Old Joe's side since the beginning. They had worked the fields together for ages, but now, all fingers pointed to Charlie. Old Joe became convinced that it had been Charlie pulling the strings from the outset. Yes, that venerable mule had always wanted to run the farm and Old Joe still had work to do. With a single shot, Charlie was put down and the bane of Old Joe's existence was gone. Weeks later, the farm was just as withered and barren as before. Old Joe couldn't understand. Then he swore he heard the worms who were consuming Charlie's rotting corpse. They were plotting. They wanted it all. Old Joe was convinced that it had been them all along! email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 233 - Some Farts are More Equal Than Others or: Bleach and a Bloodletting

Mon, 18 Nov 2013 12:45:00 EDT

They had perfected the art of interstellar travel. They had developed the finest spacecraft. Their plan was exceptional. Their intention was to breed with our females. However, advanced and intelligent as they were, there were a few flaws in their research. First, they didn't take into account our resolve to defend our planet. Second, they underestimated our size. Actually, they really underestimated our size. We were giants compared to them. They were so small in fact, that they were barely visible to our naked eyes. At first, we didn't even know they were here, especially given the limited effectiveness of their weapons against us. And as for our females, well breeding with them wasn't even possible due to the differences in size and DNA. Truth was, this advanced species from another galaxy really fucked up this time. Their overconfidence had led them billions of light years across the endless expanse of nothing to a world that just wouldn't work for them. Returning with nothing to show for it wasn't an option. The only thing left was for their leader to send a warning back home, 'Planet 7732 Uninhabitable. Intense Radiation. No Lifeforms. Do Not Approach.' email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 232 - Crashing the Shareholders Meeting for the LULZ or: Stand with the Sun at Your Back

Tue, 12 Nov 2013 12:15:00 EDT

I'd felt that feeling and tasted that taste before as I quickly realized I had been stunned by a police gun. Instantly, everything went black. And being that I was pretty damn drunk, I wasn't surprised that I didn't see it coming. After an unspecified time of unconsciousness, I found myself in some small, poorly-lit room being interrogated and bitched out at the same time. At first I thought I was in trouble for vaporizing the robot. But it turns out they weren't interested in that. Good, cause that fucker had it coming. No, it was the alien. Dammit, I can't even get shitfaced anymore without pissing off someone. And it's not even my fault… this time. Well, the authorities let me know a few things about what I'd done, you know, the trouble I caused. Seems that the alien in question was performing some kind of a 'first contact' ritual. It was something peaceful and special. Fine, but I couldn't understand a damn thing it was saying. 'But what about the massive shit storm on the floor?', I asked. 'How do you explain that?'. Actually it wasn't shit. The alien was pregnant and had decided that in an act of beauty and kindness, it would deliver its brood right here on Earth. And for some reason, it picked the very spot that I just happened to be in. Oh, wonderful. They told me that I needed to consider the fact that in the customs of this alien's species, it's a blessing to give birth like that. Fine, but those police guys never actually got to see it happen, or smell it either. It was fucking repulsive! Again, I responded with my usual 'how was I supposed to know'. The next hour really sucked. I was still feeling the effects of being stunned. On top of that my buzz was wearing off. Not to mention the fact that those authority guys were in my face bitching about how I had started some intergalactic event. Then they hit me with the punchline: I was now on the hook for 50 years of hard labor on some shithole planet in the middle of nowhere. Actually, considering what I had just experienced, that might be an improvement. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 231 - One Ping Only or: Sometimes Gravity Can Really Fuck You Up

Tue, 22 Oct 2013 10:55:00 EDT

I'm sitting here trying to enjoy my fifth drink and trying to forget that blabbering robot. I can still smell the burnt remains of that synthetic bastard as I hear its gabber echo in my head. Maybe I'm not drunk enough. And just my luck, as the bartender hands me my sixth drink, in walks this alien thing. It looked like one of those classic 20th century comic book space aliens. It was short in stature, skinny and pale grey with large black eyes. 'Fuck', I thought, 'I can't even enjoy a simple drink without something screwing it up.' Well that alien made its way to the middle of the room and started shrieking out some alien-speak at a volume that didn't sit well with my headache. Then it squatted down and shit all over the floor. 'Shit' might not be the best word to describe it. It had a flooding, foamy ass explosion. Everywhere. Great, I can't wait for the smell. At least my bar stool was high and nothing got on my feet. So I did exactly what I should have done. I turned to the bartender and ordered another drink. Damn right it's on the house. It's not my fault that some alien had a shit fest in here. Oh, great, now it's coming over to me. Right up next to me, that damn thing starts shrieking the same ear splitting alien-speak it did just before it shit. Well, I don't have to put up with this. I reached in my coat pocket and pulled out my still-warm pulse gun. Instantly, I blasted that grey fuck right back to the North Star or wherever the hell its home world was. Now the walls were covered with bits of burnt robot and roasted alien. The floors were a mix of the same along with a putrid layer of foaming alien shit. I need another drink. Some time later, the authorities arrived. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 230 - Put on Your Space Helmet and Dance or: Secret Asian Man

Tue, 15 Oct 2013 11:42:00 EDT

So I'm in the middle of my second drink when this robot sits down next to me and starts talking in some kind of robot speak that nobody can understand. It belched out a continuous series of chirps, clicks and grunts with an occasional gurgle thrown in for good measure. It just kept going. There's no way I could figure out what the damned thing was saying and it's getting pretty annoying. The bartender wasn't much help either, but he's a robot too so that's to be expected. At least my third drink is on the house, so there's that I guess. Now on my fourth drink and this robot is driving me crazy. It won't shut up. I mean, it's the year 2117, you figure that it could at least speak in English. But no. In fact it's getting louder and now it's beginning to leak oil. Why won't it just shut up or at least go away? There are plenty of other people here it could bother. Why me? Finally, I'd had enough. I reached into my coat pocket and pulled out my pulse gun. I made a quick aim and pulled the trigger. There was a bright flash of green light quickly followed by a vaporizing blast. I blew that damned thing back to hell or wherever it came from. The bar was completely quiet now except for the sputtering sound of a damaged arm servo and some thick dripping. At least I think it was an arm servo. Kind of hard to tell now. Nothing else left of that robot but a few fried circuits, bits of titanium and what seems to be a singed 'pleasure port'. The walls were spattered with a kind of oozing gel-like substance. Well, I guess it had it coming. Now I can finish my drink in peace. I hate malfunctioning robots. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 229 - Bitching About First World Problems or: In Outhouse... Shit Happens

Mon, 30 Sep 2013 11:22:00 EDT

On the night of his 16th birthday Evan got to see his girlfriend Jessica naked. He was expecting a landing strip or maybe a small brillo, but Jessica was sporting something huge and gangly. It looked like an overgrown rainforest. This posed more questions and confusion than he could deal with. Troubled, Evan turned to his father for answers. 'Son,' his dad said, 'let me show you this short movie from the Nixon era which might clear a few things up.' Evan's father then pulled up some obscure website on his computer and a 'movie' started to play. There was strange, low-grade, funky music playing and everything had a kind of blurry-sepia haze look to it. The colors were washed out, but you could tell that Jessica had a similar look to these ancient women. Evan was stunned. He didn't know what to say and now he was even more confused. His dad seemed comfortable enough and he even let out the occasional chuckle. Was this really how people lived back then? How did his parents and indeed all people, survive such a hideous time? A rushing wave of anxiety overcame him. At this point, Evan was sure of only one thing: he was going to need years of intensive therapy to deal with this. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 228 - I Made a Song and it Sucked or: Clean-up on Aisle 4

Mon, 09 Sep 2013 12:52:00 EDT

This place was a complete shithole. Nothing could grow here. No animals existed. Compared to this place, Detroit was a paradise. In fact, I found myself wishing to be transported to Detroit. Even middle of the Summer Detroit. Hell I'd take that in a heartbeat. That's how bad this place was. And that's where I was, standing in a desolate shithole, looking up with envy at the worst even Detroit had to offer. Suddenly I realized that Mars wasn't what they had made it out to be. Yeh, I guess I'm a slow learner. But the brochures made it look stunning. Apparently, somebody is really good at Photoshop. And the commercials with all those super happy people. They said there were beautiful women everywhere for the taking. But this place is a massive shithole. Nothing to offer, not even an ugly woman or a toothless three-legged dog. And even though, I'm still groggy from 18 months in space, I'm really pissed. Now where did I put that sat-phone? It's not in the landing pod and it's not in my duffle bag. I bet they snagged it while I was changing into my enviro-suit. Well, as soon as I find an effective means of communication, management's going to get an earful! email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 227 - Crackle and Hum or: How to Make Enemies and Piss Off People

Tue, 03 Sep 2013 12:02:00 EDT

Last night when he went to sleep, the banks were solvent and his money was safe. Today...not so much. Could be that this Cypress thing got out of hand, but that's the least of his worries. Because that strange noise he just heard coming from his living room turned out to be the cat snorting blow off a dead hooker's ass. And if word gets out about this, it could affect his membership status at the country club. Upon seeing him, the cat darts away towards the litterbox followed by a loud crashing sound. En route, he grabs his revolver. Can't be too careful. What a hell of a mess. Litter's everywhere and there's no sign of the cat. That's when the war started. Bombs fell and powerful explosions close by shook his house. Forget the cat, blow, and the rotting hooker, he's got bigger issues now. Someone's gone and invaded and nobody, including him, thought it could happen today. Especially today. It's garbage day and now there's an invasion. The neighborhood, hell, probably the whole damn city is being bombed back to the stone age. A quick glance at the television showed thousands of paratroopers and a massive veil of smoke. Just then, the power went out. He turned to look out his back window and what he saw threw him into a complete panic. Paratroopers were landing everywhere, including in his yard. But these soldiers were different… they were cats! Cats armed with AK-47s! His revolver slipped out of his hand and down to the floor with a soft thud. It would be useless now anyway. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 226 - Surrounded By Dumbfucks or: Meanwhile in Birmingham

Wed, 21 Aug 2013 18:14:00 EDT

I have this recurring nightmare that Sir Anthony Hopkins is coming over for dinner. In the dream, I tell my wife about our guest and she freaks. 'You've invited Hannibal over? We're out of fava beans and the house is a mess. I hate when you do this.' she says. 'I better get ready,' I tell her. Then I grab my Glock from out of the bedroom. She follows me, 'You stupid fool! Guns can't hurt him!' she exclaims as she picks up a pair of shoes from the floor. 'How about I pour some whisky on him and then light it?' I reply as I search for the spare magazine and bullets. 'Fire won't stop him. This is Hannibal! Nothing we have will affect him!' she insists. OK, now I'm getting scared. He'll be here in just a few minutes and I don't know what to do. I don't even know if I really invited him. For a brief moment, I consider that our neighbor Buzz Aldrin could come over and help us. Hell, he's been on the moon, that's got to count for something. But he's out of town this week. Figures. Now I'm in panic mode. Wait. There's Holly! Holly's our pet velociraptor. She's a real bitch and I think she's in heat which makes her even more dangerous. We've had her for a couple of years and we're pretty attached so my guess is that she'll be more than willing to protect us from our dinner guest. Then it hits me... Sir Anthony Hopkins versus a pissed off velociraptor. Who would win? This is gonna be one hell of a fight. I tell my wife to get the video camera because this shit is about to go viral. Beep! Beep! Beep! The fucking alarm goes off and I wake up. This happens every time. Guess I'll never know. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 225 - The Island of Dr. Shit or: Honey I Broke the Synthesizer

Tue, 13 Aug 2013 13:09:00 EDT

They spared no expense in cleaning up the toxic spill and were pretty sure that they got it all. But they were proven wrong when something happened just a few miles downstream at the local dog park. It was a beautiful spring day when this thing slimed its way, for lack of a better description, out of the water. It looked like a 5 pound bag of gelatinous pus, but it was friendly and well-mannered. It even became pals with many of the dogs and especially with the Nelson's collie. The two were inseparable, playing together like they had been life-long litter mates. It seemed to try really hard to act like a dog and people began to throw it treats which it happily enjoyed. They named it Clyde. But just as Clyde started to attract friends from all over, something strange happened. Though nobody is sure of the exact cause, it may have been a reaction of Clyde to the sun and its UV rays. The combination of detritus, sea ooze, toxic waste and other unknown elements began to change over time. The result was a rancid smell strong enough to trigger powerful, convulsive gag reflexes. Even the Nelson's collie couldn't take being near it anymore. Life became very lonely for Clyde. Born from the unholy combination of toxic waste and muck, it oozed it's way back into the water leaving a snail trail of slimy stench behind. Nobody knows what became of Clyde, though it is suspected of having something to do with last Summer's catastrophic fish kill. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 224 - Eat Like Prairie Dog, Crap Like Buffalo or: 12 Dollars Worth of Trail Mix and You Won't Touch the Peanuts

Tue, 05 Aug 2013 13:16:00 EDT

It's Friday afternoon and I'm just about to wrap up my first week working at the florist shop. The customers are generally nice and my coworkers are easy to get along with. Things are going pretty well. In walks a professionally-dressed, middle aged woman. She called earlier this morning wanting a pretty flower arrangement for a party she's having tonight. 'Here you go ma'am. I made this one myself and I added a little something special for you.' I say. 'Thank you so much.' she says. 'Oh smell it, you'll love the gentle fragrances,' I tell her. She leans in to enjoy the scent. Then her eyes open wide and her skin quickly turns to a pale grey. She lets out a howling shriek and releases the arrangement. The whole thing falls to the floor and breaks sending flowers, baby's breath, and shards of glass all over. 'OH MY GOD!!' she screams. There is a brief second of complete silence and this nice lady instantly becomes catatonic. Just then I blurt out, 'HA HA DUDE, YOU'VE BEEN FETUS-ED!!!! Turn and look at the camera, right over there!' And, again there was no camera. I'm still working on my idea for a reality show pilot, but it's not going as well as I had anticipated. I've just been fired and now I'm all out of pig fetuses... again. Well, there's always tomorrow. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 223 - 10 Minutes to Fresno or: She Blinded Me... With Vagina!

Tue, 30 Jul 2013 12:01:00 EDT

This is strange and I'm shocked to say the least. But there it is, floating in my coffee... and I know it shouldn't be there. Now I've got to get the waiter's attention and let him know about it. Boy is he gonna be surprised. I mean, it's not every day that one of these finds it's way into a hot beverage. A toenail? Fly? Contact lens? Frog? Hair? None of the above, not this time. 'Excuse me, waiter. There's a fetus in my coffee.' I said it loud enough for several other tables to hear. Now I've got his attention and I'm greeted with an immediate look of surprise disgust. But there it is, and now the waiter sees it. A fetus is in my coffee! It's a big one too, taking up most of the possible volume of my cup, sparing little room for the warm black liquid. 'Sorry sir, I'll get the manager', he says and off he goes... quickly. Next the manager shows up. He's stumbling for words and all apologetic. Of course my breakfast is on the house. Now the manager has to figure out how to dispose of said cup o' fetus. He's hesitant to touch the thing and really, I don't blame him. He extends his hand, pensively reaching for the cup.... Just then I blurt out, 'HA HA, DUDE, YOU'VE BEEN FETUS-ED!!!! Turn and look at the camera, right over there!' Actually, there was no camera. This was just my idea for a reality show pilot. It hasn't gone over too well. This is the third time I've been kicked out of a restaurant today. I'm out of cash. And, now I'm all out of pig fetuses. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 222 - I Was Huge In Japan for Almost a Week or: Saturday Night Disfigure

Tue, 16 Jul 2013 13:21:00 EDT

The brothers had been arguing for hours and were just about to come to blows. It was all over the meaning of a song's lyrics. The older one thought the song was a protest against nuclear war and how devastating it could be. The younger one disagreed and countered that the song was about the growing abyss between the rich and the poor and how terrible poverty was. They went around in circles each making a case for their side. And they focused on what they believed were the pivotal lines of the song 'I beat you to the punch / Then your Mom made me lunch'. This, they both agreed was where the true essence of the song's meaning resided. The older one thought that this told of how a preemptive strike rendered the other side helpless, but really caused both sides to lose the war. The younger brother perceived that it was how the rich owned everything and forced the poor to work for them at a slave's wage. What both the brothers didn't realize was that this song was in fact a country song disguised as a brutal death metal love ballad. The song was actually about how this guy had his wife leave him on the same day that his dog died. Also, to top things off, his truck was stolen, the factory closed and he was let go from his job. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 221 - It's Called a Pelt for a Reason or: Charlie Don't Surf!

Mon, 08 Jul 2013 13:11:00 EDT

Bill hadn't seen a spider that big since Nam. Back then, he handled the situation by first screaming like a schoolgirl, then lobbing a grenade into the latrine where the arachnid resided. Maybe it was 2 grenades. Anyway, after the explosion leveled the structure, Bill emptied 4 magazines from his M16 before the rifle jammed. He had to be sure though, so he snagged Lance's shotgun and fired 6 or so shells of buckshot into the smoldering mess. It was probably dead. But today, Bill doesn't have any grenades or an M16. Plus he's much older and hopefully wiser. Nevertheless he's scared as hell and this spider has caused a Nam flashback of the worst kind. The safety of his family was on the line and Bill had to act quickly. First came the ear ripping shriek. Then he ran for his dresser drawer where he kept the '45. Racing back to the bathroom he detoured to the liquor cabinet where he grabbed a half-full bottle of his favorite scotch. Sweat dripped from his forehead as he twisted the top off the bottle. He took a swig, then ripped his shirt and stuffed a small shred of the cloth into the bottle. Reaching in his pants pocket, he pulled out his lighter and lit the rag. Now came the moment of truth. Bill leaned into the doorway of the bathroom and threw the flaming bottle inside where it shattered against the toilet. Fire quickly engulfed the bathroom. He then rapid fired his '45 and screamed, 'Die you fucking bastard'! It was now time to evacuate as the fire was spreading fast. Some weeks later, in the rubble that was once Bill's house, and egg sack burst open. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 220 - The Legend of Bowel Clemens or: Destroy All Lobsters

Tue, 25 Jun 2013 12:51:00 EDT

Oh, she loved him long time and Rob was about to pay the price. Coach had warned him about sleeping with unclean women. But this was Thailand and Rob was stupid drunk. Now his crotch was ablaze with itching and burning. The crabs must have already had babies. That was fast! He figured a quick trip to the walk-in clinic and things would be taken care of then he'd be ready for the big game. But these crabs were resistant and time was running short. 'Damn the cheap booze and loose whores', he thought. The flight home was something he'd rather forget. He spent most of the time in the toilet scratching his junk. One week later, all he had to show from his first trip abroad was an intense burning sensation and a palm sized pot-metal Buddha. So much for booking early. But really, who's to blame here? Then the credit card bill arrived. It was huge, much bigger than Rob had anticipated. Where was he going to come up with that kind of cash? If he'd only listened to his Coach. Oh, and he should have paid more attention to the horned toad who told him to go South to Mexico. None of this would have ever happened if he just listened. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 219 - It Tastes Like Chicken or: Stuff that Gets Put Away Stays Away

Tue, 18 Jun 2013 11:31:00 EDT

It's been 45 years and my parents are still pissed at me. It all started with a family rite of passage that goes back several generations. When I was just six weeks old, my parents decided that I was ready. They lovingly secured me in my baby car seat and off we went. Driving for hours, we finally ended up at our destination. Cold and dark, they put me out on the side of the road in a remote location. I think I remember that they smiled at me or something. From then on, I was on my own. Hours later, they arrived back home. Happy and joyous, they were probably planning to hit the bedroom where they would make my baby sister. But it was not to be. They opened the door and got the shock of their lives: I was there! Yes, at just six weeks old and unable to walk or even read a map, I beat them home. Years later, my parents confronted me: they wanted to know exactly how I got back before they did. I mean, they had a car and I was just a baby. What the hell? My answer to them was in the form of a question and it pissed them off even more. I asked, 'Do you believe that you having a car, or object permanence has anything to do with you being able to beat this place? You think that's air you're breathing now'? email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 218 - Digitally Enhanced Robot Person Go Boom or: I Can't Let the Guests See This

Tue, 11 Jun 2013 11:25:00 EDT

Ralph has been on the fritz lately. Short for Random Access non-Linear People Helper, Ralph units have been in service for the past decade or so and they can trace their lineage all the way back to the ill-fated Project Derpbot (Digitally Enhanced Robot Person). Technology has come a long way, however, there are still a few minor bugs such as I am currently experiencing with my Ralph unit. Last night I found the cat stuffed in the dryer along with the ion flow being intentionally reversed. Also, the food modulator had been reprogramed to spew out only a reddish brown paste. Now, Ralph just limps around in circles leaking oil and making synthetic 'gurgling' noises. Tech support tells me that this is a common firmware issue or possibly a downloaded virus but in either case it's easily resolved. However, I'm a little suspicious. I remember that last year the Nelson's across the street had to put their Ralph unit down because it was acting strangely. And from what I understand, Ralph units have a self-destruct bypass located deep inside their software master root files. Once accessed, it can be very difficult to dispose of a malfunctioning Ralph. Something tells me this is going to be messy. Maybe I should have just gotten a dog. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 217 - Gus Made a Mix Tape or: Great Grandma's Recipe Goes Galactic

Mon, 03 Jun 2013 12:45:00 EDT

For the second time in his life, James had shit out a 'little person'. Unlike the first, however, this one was still alive. Weird. One minute he was juggling bowling pins at the county fair, the next minute he's lodged in some stranger's small intestines. Now, he's convulsing on the floor. Of course he was angry - and a little light sensitive too. But after a bit of time to come to his senses, he was ready for debriefing. The question that was first on everyone's mind was what had he done to survive in that environment? He'd gone at least a week without any fresh air, food or water and he was here to tell the story. Then, something strange was noted. At the time of consumption, this 'little person' stood 2 foot 9 inches. Now he measured over 3 foot 2. Impossible, but there it was: an adult 'little person' growing 5 inches in a week! Another factor may have been that armadillo shell that was also passed by James. Could this have somehow protected the 'little person' from all that stomach acid and bile? And could Grandma's remedy also have played a role? So far, all the tests have been inconclusive, but at least we finally know what caused James to be so constipated. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 216 - Fly in the Laxative Spacecraft or: Ex Post Lactose

Thu, 30 May 2013 12:36:00 EDT

James had been constipated for a week. He tried every over the counter and prescription medication available, but nothing was working. It was now time for Grandma to step in, as she had a remedy for just about everything. This one, however, was special and came from very old Jewish recipe that she said dated back to the middle ages. It was a combination or herbs, oils, dust, ash and voodoo magic. Grandma had to take over the kitchen claiming that she needed all the bowls, pots and pans that were available and that non-believers would contaminate her mixture. There was a lot of noise as I'm sure you could imagine. But beyond that, there was chanting. It was a language that sounded like a combination of Latin, German, and Russian. We didn't even know Grandma could speak anything but English. There was also smoke. It was so strong that it could peel wall paper and singe nose hairs. But it didn't bother her. She was tough, a testament to the 'Greatest Generation'. Two days passed and Grandma's remedy was ready. If James could survive the next few hours, he was all but guaranteed relief. What happened next, however, was beyond shocking. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 215 - Hail to the Beef or: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Dumpster

Mon, 20 May 2013 11:56:00 EDT

Forget the 'million dollar' idea, Pedro had the 'hundred million dollar' idea: Chinese Mexican restaurants! It was so simple that it couldn't fail. After all, Tex-Mex is popular, Chi-Mex would be groundbreaking! And so it became. Pedro Ling's Chi-Mex Bistro took the world by storm. Featuring dishes such as General Tso's Tacos, Wonton tortillas, Mandarin pork refried fajitas, and stir-fry enchiladas, Chi-Mex franchises were an instant hit. Where else could you get dim sum nachos with cilantro, jalapeno and red beans? Or how about a spicy sweet and sour chicken burrito? Exactly! And that was the key to such an unbelievable success. Never before had the best of China and Mexico come together under one roof. And the other eateries were feeling the pinch. Taco Bell reported a reduction in their same store sales, as did P.F. Chang's. Within a year Pedro Ling had become bigger than Colonel Sanders. He was truly riding the tidal wave of success. He had his critics though. Some claimed that he was a fake. But with a Chinese father and a Mexican mother, Pedro was in fact the 'real deal'. He also knew kung-fu, was good at math, spoke fluent Spanish, and could play a mean trumpet. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 214 - Sleeping With the Manatee or: Guess Who's King of the Internet?

Mon, 12 May 2013 13:12:00 EDT

Lou took a deep puff off his blunt cigar. 'You know it wasn't always like this', he said. 'Back when I was young, we didn't have bar codes all over our body parts. My member was clean and pure. You could make love to a woman. You didn't need to scan your dick and get approval like today. It was.... It was real living. Now we just go through the motions. Disrobe, then run the scanners over our stuff. Central Authority decides what happens next. What fun is that? How did it get this bad? It started out as a few simple laws, you know, to prevent disease and unwanted babies and stuff. Now you even have to scan to piss. To piss!!! Used to be you could just whip it out and let it flow. Now you scan your dick, then scan the urinal and you wait. Central Authority decides if you really have to piss and whether you can piss in that specific place. 'Piss Traffic Control' is bullshit! That's what it is. Well I'm old and my bladder ain't what it used to be'. Just then, an alarm sounded. Lou wet himself again. Another 50 dollar infraction. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 213 - Man Bites Cow or: All Eyes on the Controls

Tue, 07 May 2013 09:12:00 EDT

Last year, Andy won second place in the Halloween costume contest. He dressed as a labia - a left labia to be exact and he called himself 'Andy the Left Labia'. It was a scream, but he didn't win - mainly because he offended a couple of the judges. This year he had an even better idea. He dressed as a larger than life sized, fully-functional colon, complete with rectum and anus. He even had food that would pass through the system and be expelled out the rear end. In addition, he wore a small mp3 player that squawked out a series of fart noises at varied intervals. For even more laughs, he put a random object through the system like a penny or a cat toy to show what happens when kids swallow things. It was both fun and educational. But Andy didn't stop there. He had a live gerbil running on one of those rodent exercise wheels placed in the rectum part. There were holes punched in so that the animal could breathe as well as a small water dispenser to quench its thirst. This would keep the PETA people off his back. But, his dream to win first place was not to be realized. He ended up being beaten by that asshole Jack who's 'Zombie Raggedy Ann' costume easily took the coveted top prize. Bastard! email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 212 - A Vast Right-wing Conspiracy or: Don't Go Into Ethel's Room

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 12:01:00 EDT

With your eyes closed, you'd never know you were in any danger. Everything seemed completely normal. You'd hear the sound of 3 ticking clocks at varied distances. You'd catch the scent of moth balls and synthetic gardenia with a side of urine. A feeling of tepid peace would surround you. You wouldn't know you were in trouble until you heard the words, 'Let me show you my cat pictures'. You've wandered into Ethel's room and now you're fucked! Ethel loved to show off her cat pictures. Every cat had a special name and a unique story. Oscar loved to cuddle on laps. Mister Pickles would nibble your fingers. Bubbles peed in the corners. Blinky climbed the curtains. Lord Rascal could jump straight up. The list went on and on. But Ethel never owned any cats. She was severely allergic. All those pictures were cut out from decades of magazines and newspapers. Some images weren't even of cats. Not that it mattered. By now, you'd be so bored that you're wishing for death. Any manner of death. Just some way to end this. But Ethel would keep going, and you'll be in a wormhole of infinite monotony! This is your only warning. Don't ever go into Ethel's room. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 211 - No Refunds or Exchanges or: I'm Gonna Glock Right Now

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 12:01:00 EDT

The house smelled like stale infection and circus meat with a slight hint of putrid clam. This was actually a huge improvement over the previous days when uncle Rick was here. Uncle Rick is a large man, so large he could barely walk. He mostly depended on an electric scooter to shuttle him around, leaving a trail of vile odor in his wake. He refused to bathe claiming that soap and water dried his skin. He also wore the same clothes every day, never bothering to wash them either. It was a potent combination. But he was family and he was rich and we wanted to be kept in the will. So we put up with the stench, rats, bugs, and relentless foul language. We often wondered how such a giant piece of morbid, mouth-breathing fat could have the business wherewithal to become so rich. It was as if Gordon Gekko took a galaxy-class sized shit... over 400 pounds strong... a shit that was inherently brilliant and able to expertly trade stocks. They could make a movie about him. It would be called "Wall of Shit Street" and it would star Charlie Sheen and Michael Douglas. Better get that screenplay over to Oliver Stone quick. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 210 - Crazy Broken Shit Makes Funny Noise or: Instant Harpoon to the Crotch

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 10:30:00 EDT

For the third week in a row, they met by chance in the frozen food section. Each time their hands grabbed at the same Lean Cuisine, his hand politely retreated first. But this week, he'd finally worked up the nerve to speak to her. And now as if by script, they met in front of the same freezer yet again. Their hands simultaneously motioned toward the same target. But this time, he noticed something different. She had a rag in her hand and a funny smell filled the air. And then... black. Next thing he knows he's naked in a bathtub. Could be hours later or days later, he doesn't know. Cold and groggy he feels a pain in his left side. The sloshy water is an opaque pink with blood and blobs of tissue. Stray ice cubes brush against him. He looks down and sees fresh stitches where the pain is. 'Fuck, not again!' he thought. On the positive side, if and when there is a next time, the joke will be on her as he will be fresh out of kidneys. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 209 - A Slight Mutation Caused This? or: Dad's Parakeet is Dead

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 11:18:00 EDT

Ned ran his ant farm like a Soviet gulag. He was a true tyrant at heart, but his real passion was practical jokes. He claimed that Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction was all his idea. He also had drawn up detailed plans for circuit bending Dr. Stephen Hawking's voice synthesizer. That looked promising, if he could only get close enough. Problem was that his ants didn't appreciate all the efforts. See, ants aren't capable of comprehending such things. After all, they're only ants. So there would be consequences. Deep consequences. Ned dressed up like Jesus by manipulating a bed sheet to resemble a robe. He carried a vial of what he claimed was holy water and he pranced around for hours in front of his ants preaching bible scripture. Louder and louder, his raspy voice hit an unbelievable volume. The walls in his house even shook at points. Outside he erected dozens of religious icons in his yard, the largest statue reaching up 20 feet. Now the homeowner's association would have to become involved. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 208 - Hillbilly Trash Infant or: Phase One Operational

Thu, 04 Apr 2013 13:50:00 EDT

Jack was the least insane person at the asylum. This made it very hard for him to get along with the others as it was near impossible for him to relate. Mostly it was the little things. He just couldn't see getting all worked up over unimportant matters like the other group members did. When they'd be in a frenzy drooling and defecating everywhere, Jack was in the corner keeping to himself. It was a lonely experience. But he did enjoy the occasional field trip. Recently, they went to see professional wrestling. Being that they were all basically nuts, they were segregated from the 'normal' fans. That meant watching the matches from a distance. Though the wrestling was more like a sideshow, because the real action was with the 'loons'. They were running in circles screaming out the names of their favorite wrestlers, some of which weren't on the card or even existed in reality. They were trying wrestling moves on each other, some smaller ones piggybacking on the larger ones. All were shouting and drooling. The smell of feces laced the air. This became so loud and distracting, that the fans began to focus away from the wrestlers and on to the nuts. The chanting, drooling and defecating became so much that they had to remove the insane group from the building. That's pretty much what happened with every field trip. The opera is next month. Should be fun. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 207 - Alien Fartbox and the Bent Fork or: Pyle's Major Malfunction

Tue, 26 Mar 2013 13:03:00 EDT

Remember what I told you about if you ever found yourself in one of my dreams, not to get in an elevator? Well last night, 3 of you didn't listen. Here's what happened.... This girl from the office tried to confiscate my nearly full shampoo bottle. Basically I told her that 'there was no fucking way she was taking anything from me' and I stormed out with the shampoo bottle still in my hand. I headed for the nearest elevator and got in. This is where the 3 of you come into play. I didn't know you from real life, but you know who you are. Anyway one of you hits the 2nd floor button. Good, a short ride up, but not so fast. Actually, very fast. The damn elevator rockets straight up at an ungodly speed passing the second and then every floor above that in record time. We go well beyond what I thought were the number of floors in the entire building. Then we slam hard into the roof. At least we stopped. We're all hurt as we try to make a quick escape. Not so fast, because we immediately begin to descend like a brick, falling at incredible speeds. No time to scream as we hit the ground and the elevator shatters, spilling it's contents (us) into the lobby. We're broken up pretty bad. I can hardly move and everything hurts. You 3 are in pretty much the same condition. Maybe you'll listen to me next time? email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 206 - Space Monster Rocket Lover or: Baby's First Root Canal

Sun, 24 Mar 2013 17:35:00 EDT

The feedback loop quickly hit critical mass and now the snail population was out of control! Everywhere you went, there was that 'crunching' sound. Hundreds of shells were crushed under every person's step. Cars rolling over them made a symphony of crackle and squish. The streets were a flaky paste. Then there was the smell: more 'fishy' than 'meaty'. Birds couldn't keep up. Most couldn't even fly, they were full of fresh snail. That's when the 'bird problem' got out of hand. They were so fat, they couldn't move and now they too were being crushed! It was awful. Though the feathers muffled up the crunching sound a bit, which was a relief. But the townspeople never worried as they were a strong kind. At least not until that dead polar bear was found on the steps of the courthouse. That almost never happens this far South. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 205 - Exit Planet Numbnuts or: Beagles Nipped My Flesh

Tue, 19 Mar 2013 09:34:00 EDT

From the minute he walked in, he knew it was going to be a bad deal. The room reeked of old cigars and bad mackerel. A grey haze hung about waist high. So much for hitting the big time, he thought. The lighting was terrible and the carpet was spattered with stains. And worse yet, he was stuck with just a single power outlet. The sound of dripping water echoed from the next room. It couldn't get any more 'third world' in here. The only thing he needed to do now was try to figure out how to get out of this. And, of course, his allergies start kicking in. It happens when he gets nervous. No time for complaining as it was already close to five. And the puppy needed to be kicked. Hard. He had a quick thought back to the old days. Easy times. Hardly ever a care and the sun was so bright. Happy birds chirping blissful songs. Beautiful, colorful flowers. Enough with the distractions! Did he have it in him for one more - just one? email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 204 - Critter with an Attitude or: J Edgar Hoover, Zombie Killer

Mon, 11 Mar 2013 11:30:00 EDT

Long before he ran the FBI, J Edgar Hoover had another mission: killing zombies! It was well known that at the turn of the 20th century, the ratio of zombies to humans was the highest in recorded history. And the one thing that Hoover hated more than anything - even more than dirty communists, were zombies. Hoover attacked them with an unprecedented zest, brutally crushing skulls with his bare hands in some cases. He had no fear, only an unbridled hate for the living dead. And who could blame him, given that his twin brother was bitten and turned when they were just toddlers. It was revenge that Hoover was after, and he got his revenge. His weapon of choice was the shovel. Simple and elegant but effective nonetheless, the shovel accounted for over half of his kills. But when one wasn't available, Hoover was also an expert with his hands. He knew right where to hit a zombie, bringing the undead back to just dead. In under 8 months, Hoover had over 10,000 confirmed kills - an amazing feat even by today's standards. Then after years of relentless killing, the zombie population was firmly under control and Hoover needed another profession. A new organization was being formed in Washington, DC called the FBI - and they were taking applications. The rest is history. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 203 - A Tarantula's Autopsy or: Never Fuck with a Man's Horse

Mon, 04 Mar 2013 18:15:00 EST

Kennedy wanted to put a man on the moon. 50 years later, we had Derpbot. Project Derpbot was a failed government experiment which cost Trillions of dollars in taxpayers' money but ended up just being a pathetic attempt at artificial intelligence. The thing was the size of a refrigerator and basically limped around in circles making a synthetic 'gurgling' noise. It also leaked oil. At least it had a small cluster LED lights on it that made for an inefficient night light. However, nobody with a respectable security clearance would even consider taking the damned thing home. They tried dumping it off on the Pentagon. No dice. And NASA? Well at least they had a decent excuse: something about it being too cumbersome to be sent to Mars on a probe. Nevertheless, they had to come up with something quick as Derpbot was costing a couple Billion a month just to maintain. Then a stroke of genius hit: 'How about selling it to the Russians'? After all Putin loves gadgets. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 202 - Chillin With My Japanese Stunt Double or: Battery Paste Taste Testing

Tue, 26 Feb 2013 10:32:00 EST

There's a reason why Darcy always wears turtlenecks. And Dan, her boyfriend of 2 weeks is about to find out. See, Darcy has gills. Not the multiple slit kind that sharks have, or even the more common, one on each side fish model. Darcy's gills are more 'newt-like', that is they are little cluster branches of red capillaries growing on the sides of her neck. Even more strange was the fact that when sexually aroused, Darcy made a high-pitched squealing sound that went over like finger nails on a chalk board. Dan was looking forward to seeing Darcy tonight. He was sure he was going to go 'all the way' and that she was going to be the future 'Mrs. Dan'. He even had the ring mentally picked out. He was surely smitten! But how would he react to Darcy's little secret? email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 201 - Please Pass the Afterbirth or: A Touch of Altitude Sickness

Mon, 04 Feb 2013 19:02:00 EST

Jeremy finally had enough of Bono's whining. The decision was made and now he had to break the news to fellow bandmates Bruce and Kelly. As of this moment, they were officially a CCR tribute band. Though they spent the last 6 months as a U2 tribute, and with the talent show just days away, Jeremy felt the sudden change was justified. Besides, when was the last time that John Fogerty whined about anything? So, from now on 'High Flying Spyplane' would be known as 'Proud Bayou Traveling Band'. They'd have to make some musical adjustments as well. First, Bruce's favorite digital delay would have to go and he'd have to learn a few more chords as well. Kelly's job was a bit easier to handle since he actually did know how to play drums. And Jeremy would quit with that fake Irish accent once and for all! email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 200 - Stuck in the Plutonium Mud or: Bag of Tendons, Cup of Rice

Tue, 22 Jan 2013 10:12:00 EST

A wormy boy with the face of a rat told him there was trouble to come. Could he have meant this? Rusty was now being held hostage by the very calculator that he recently purchased from Walgreen's... for 3 dollars! How could a cheap Chinese pocket calculator be so intelligent and yet capable of so much evil? Cloud computing and internet porn gone bad - times ten. Even though he deleted his browser history, all hell was breaking loose. This wasn't possible, yet it was playing out like some bad horror movie. Whatever the cause that little hunk of plastic and silicon now had the launch codes and with it, a list of very specific demands. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 199 - Anechoic Chamber Sex Swing or: Be a Dead Fuck or Just Sound Like One

Tue, 15 Jan 2013 14:15:00 EST

God must really hate that fishing village. This is the fourth giant squid attack since Mayor Brody took office. How could the feeding on one criminally insane person to a great white shark warrant such vengeance? It really doesn't matter at this point. All that's important is just keeping what's left of the townspeople safe. And with each attack more violent than the last, it would only be more difficult. What's worse is that the last squid cut off all communications to the mainland. Now they were truly on their own. As evening falls, the fog rolls in. The air is thick with a foul scent. It's quiet. Too quiet. What nightmare would the sea vomit up this time? email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 198 - Stumpbroke and Loving It! or: The Re-Education of Sarah R.

Wed, 09 Jan 2013 12:35:00 EST

Don forgot the safe word! Damn it. Why did this have to happen? He loved Tasha so much and they'd been together for a really long time. She could be a bit on the aggressive side and he swore he'd remember the safe word. Was it 'bean', 'whiskey', 'cactus'? Damn it!!! At least she put the plastic down. It would be embarrassing to have to explain to the Stanley Steemer guys what all that blood, bodily waste and mystery gel was from. There's no way they'd believe that a 10 pound beagle could hold that much. But what was the safe word? Oh no! It's really starting to hurt! What's she going to do with that turkey baster and power drill? It won't fit in there! Not again. No! No! No!!!!! email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 197 - Rise of the Sand Lizard or: Sine Wave Tragedy

Tue, 11 Dec 2012 12:45:00 EST

It took the paramedics over 30 minutes to pry the starfish off poor Caleb's face. The scars it left behind, however, may never completely heal. They learned a lot from the incident. Such as that fact that children should be better supervised at the aquarium. Pretty obvious there. So they put up some more signs. But what of the starfish? Why did it attack that poor child? Was it the lure of fresh cotton candy? Perhaps it was that succulent rubbery strand of green snot dangling from the toddler's right nostril? Whatever it was, it turned that docile starfish into a rabid pit bull. What about the sea horses? Were they in on it as well? We just can't be sure. As a precaution, the petting pool was flooded with a concentrated chlorine-sulfide toxin which neutralized all of the inhabitants. It was the only way to be sure. Also, the aquarium's annual fundraiser was postponed a month. Best to let this whole thing blow over. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 196 - Texas Spatula Rampage or: Stuck in the Dutch Oven

Tue, 04 Dec 2012 12:29:00 EST

Robert swore he'd never play with dark matter again. But the damage was already done. All he knew was he was now about 50 years in the past, plus or minus. The man he shot was his grandfather. The woman he had sex with was his grandmother. Her daughter, his mother, was about to go on a date with the boy who would eventually be his father. Problem is, Robert had quickly grown to despise him. Robert Sr., was a 16 year old pimple-faced royal pain in the ass, dumb as hell to boot. And he was about to go on a date with Robert Jr.'s precious step-daughter (his mother). Eventually, they would marry and spawn Robert Jr. who would, years later, play with dark matter and end up in the past. Now here's where things get interesting.... In his back pocket, Robert Jr. carries a crumpled pack of cigarettes and an old stick of gum. This is the focal point of what would become an uncontrollable energy burst capable of shaking the Earth off its axis. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 195 - Pocket Full of Hollowpoints or: When Ms. Kissell Breaks Wind, We Beat the Dog

Mon, 26 Nov 2012 09:42:00 EST

Molly's hair was a disaster! She tried everything, including a last ditch suggestion from the internet to 'rub Preparation H on it'. Nothing could stop the frizz! She blamed it on the humidity, but it really didn't matter. Her job interview was just hours away and she was a complete wreck. Instead of a work of art, her hair looked more like a giant tarantula. It was at this time, of course, that the power goes out. What else could possibly go wrong? Across the street, 13 year old Jimmy is about to nuke his Hot Pocket when the blackout happens. He's hungry, without electricity and he now sees no other option but to go cannibal. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 194 - Weirdo Erectus or: Unauthorized Access Denied

Wed, 14 Nov 2012 13:02:00 EST

'Up yours Whitey!' she said. And this is what started the lovemaking encounter between Veronica and Sam. What followed began as passionate, ramped up past intense and finally ended completely barbaric. The kind of stuff that would make even a Klingon blush. Sam was not Veronica's first love experience, but he would be her last. Hours later, we find Sam curled up in a dark corner. He's in a fetal position, sucking his thumb and trembling. His naked body covered in a slimy, plasma like jelly. A lone housefly lands on his forehead and slurps some gel. Veronica has long since shed her skin and teleported back to her home world. Inside her, she carries a clutch of freshly fertilized eggs - thousands of them. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 193 - Bathroom Terror Circus or: Bite of the Knuckledragger

Wed, 10 Oct 2012 12:35:00 EDT

After months of nonstop work, it has become painfully obvious that Alex's experiments in time travel have been a complete failure. Although he has managed to run up his electric bill beyond belief and scare off his nosey neighbors. Plus, he hasn't seen the cat in weeks. As a side note, the by-product of the process, a gooey snot-like residue which forms on the walls does show some promise as a food flavor enhancer. What Alex doesn't yet realize is that his is stuck in his own time loop. Kind of like that movie 'Groundhog Day' but without Bill Murray. However, he does have his mother in law to keep him company... forever! email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 192 - Late Night at the GurglePlex or: When Love Overcomes All

Wed, 03 Oct 2012 13:15:00 EDT

Summer 1968. I just crapped my diaper. Again. Cronkite is on the television. Something about fighter bombers and a war far away that I know nothing about. On a good day, we get 4 channels. Today is good. Not that I comprehend what an antenna does or do I have the ability to adjust it for better reception. The Beatles are on the radio. I catch the faint scent of the warm, glowing tubes. I can hear their distinct hum as well. Increased levels of second hand smoke means that both my parents are home. There is no internet. No cell phones. No car alarms. No microwave oven. It starts to rain. My diaper smells like crap. Again. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 191 - Filthy Dirty Pervert and the Lactating Monkey or: A Dogfish Combustible

Wed, 19 Sep 2012 12:29:00 EDT

Chris forgot the detonators! Even after the sergeant reminded him several times before the mission. He's going to be in big trouble when... if he gets back. Dropped 30 miles behind enemy lines, 6 men and no detonators! For now it's the sergeant who's in it big as the captain has a bag of fresh detonators on his desk - the very detonators that should be with Chris - behind enemy lines. The shit starts rolling downhill fast as the sergeant is assigned to latrine detail, and that's just for starters. The captain has lost it before but not like this. He's about 2 seconds away from a stroke when the news comes in. The bridge is still intact! Damn right it is... BECAUSE THE FUCKING DETONATORS ARE ON HIS DESK!!! Chris is such an asshole. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 190 - Fun Like a Machine Gun or: Plasma Dean the Sex Machine

Thu, 30 Aug 2012 12:47:00 EDT

An erection lasting longer than four hours? That was 3 days ago it it's caused nothing but trouble. Who to call? The hotline is busy. Lines overloaded. Kind of like his member. Damn it hurts. And he's running out of willing girlfriends. The ER has provided little help. Take 2 pills and call back tomorrow just isn't going to cut it anymore. And they're not even sure if insurance will cover this. Talk about relentless. This thing just won't stop! Damn you modern science. Damn you! Now it's 'Day 5' and you can tell by his bloodshot eyes, drooping lips, and grey-tinged stubble beard that he's in serious trouble. How would he be able to survive through the weekend? email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 189 - Maybe It's the Beer Talking or: Laid in America

Sun, 19 Aug 2012 15:49:00 EDT

Say what you want about Ralph, but he's a fantastic cook. That aside, he's also known for making the most inappropriate comments to women. And he wonders why he gets so few second dates. But his luck is about to change as he just received a surprise email from a Dr. Henry Umgawa of Ghana. Something about an unexpected death and the transfer of 23 million dollars. Wow! And the good Dr. has promised Ralph a cool 2 million for his troubles! What could go wrong? Shortly thereafter Ralph strikes out again. This time it's with Nancy. Apparently Nancy doesn't find 'penis scabs' to be an acceptable first date topic of conversation. Now Ralph is stuck with a fantastic flaming duck that he spent all day preparing. But the wine is cold and his bank account is about to be filled. Nancy who? email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 188 - Shaking the Foundations or: Don't Crap in my Pool and I Won't Shoot Your Dog

Tue, 31 July 2012 12:48:00 EDT

Grant has had ass explosions before. He's had some monumental ones. But nothing could prepare him for what he was about to experience. It's true that the body can handle only so much and Grant has pushed the limits many times before. But some things are just not meant to be consumed. Ever. Even by someone as strong as Grant. A dare is a dare however, and a legend was born that night. Eyes bulged. Muscles cramped. Intestines burst. Tears shed. Grant's terrible plight would be told for generations to come in word and in song. It has even been suggested that a statue be erected in his name. And on the bronze plaque it would read 'Some things are not meant to be consumed. Ever.' email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 187 - Grandmaster, Mixmaster, Funkmaster, Sexmaster or: They Castrated Momma

Tue, 24 July 2012 11:10:00 EDT

Dave's gone and done it again. He left the gate open and Buster got out. Now Buster is known throughout the neighborhood as an uncontrollable crotch sniffer and once he's got his nose fixed on a target, there's no stopping him. The upside is that he occasionally provides a generous 'happy ending' to a select few of his 'victims'. Though this seems to be purely unintentional and random, it is nevertheless regarded as a plus. But, this is the fifth time in a month that Buster has run amok. All other options exhausted, the homeowner's association is forced to take decisive action. Everything becomes completely clear when it's realized that Buster is Dave's hand puppet which he fabricated from an old sock, discarded buttons, duct tape and a used enema bag. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 186 - Flying on a Winged Tampon or: All Lubed Up and Nowhere to Go

Tue, 17 July 2012 11:24:00 EDT

Life in this small fishing village is hard. Actually it sucks. But things are about to get a whole lot worse now that Jesse is out of prison. Jesse has several mental defects, a few of which can be overlooked. However there are two of these defects which skew Jesse toward a life of unpredictable insanity. But, since he's served his 20 years and is technically rehabilitated, he's a free man. Free, but also on the menu. Jesse's first job lands him right in the gut of a great white shark. Actually he didn't land there. He was fed there... slowly and painfully. Seems that these villagers can hold a grudge for a long time and they're not all mentally 'right' either. Generations of relentless inbreeding will do that. So Jesse has become bait and life in the small village has returned to 'suck'. Everyone lives happily ever after at least until the giant squid attacks. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 185 - Attack of the Giant Placenta or: A Secretion's Excretions

Mon, 09 July 2012 11:19:00 EDT

Even though it did what it was told and put the lotion on its skin, it still got the hose. Now cold, wet and covered in a gardenia-scented, slime it had to act. Meanwhile, Bonnie gets the disco fever and can't stop dancing. More than ever, she plays her tunes loud and proud with no cares about any possible future hearing loss. Across town, Alan farts in yoga class, but blames it on the fat woman behind him. It fools almost everyone. Everyone except for Rachel. George can't wait to see his girlfriend. And he's got some exciting news. It's about that elective surgery that he had. But here comes the tricky part... will she recognize him? Because "George" has become "Gale", and is 6 months pregnant. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 184 - Failure to Courtesy Flush or: I Am Disintegrate

Wed, 27 June 2012 11:48:00 EDT

Joe's day was turning out to be pretty good till he boarded the plane. Wouldn't you know it, of all people, he's seated next to a mouth breathing neanderthal. And the smell! This guy reeked like a half dead leper bloating in a direct sun. Then, just when Joe's fourth vodka started kicking in, somewhere over Cleveland, this goon starts hacking up phlegm from deep in his putrid, maggot infested lungs. Joe was sure that the next global pandemic was being spawned right next to him. And the flight was full so there was no escape. Seats all taken. Lavatories occupied. Festering air continuously recirculating. Only 4 more hours to LA, he thought. But would he make it there alive? email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 183 - Litterbox Love Fondle Treat or: Wetsuit, Spacesuit, Clown Car

Tue, 19 June 2012 12:04:00 EDT

'May the roads you travel all be unpaved'. This Chinese proverb became a living hell for Zack as the road he was now traveling was in fact, unpaved. Also he was barefoot, it was snowing and he was going exclusively uphill. Zack had experienced tough times before. Far worse than this. But he was never more pissed off. And he was on a mission to kill the bastard that came up with that Chinese proverb. And who could blame him, really? Ever since Daphne farted in yoga class, Zack has been in a really bad mood. And this just complicates things. But, in Daphne's defense, she did eat a super burrito just before class. Zack warned her. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 182 - Molester the Jester or: It's a Remix, Bitches

Tue, 12 June 2012 13:01:00 EDT

Two hundred years in the future and billions of miles off course in uncharted deep space, the crew of USS Uranus finds a secret Nazi outpost. It appears to be long abandoned. A detailed search reveals unbelievably advanced technology... far beyond that of Earth. They load some examples onto Uranus for a return journey home. However, they're not exactly sure where they are and how to get back. Even worse, it appears that this "abandoned" outpost in fact is inhabited - by "Damn Dirty Horny Nazi Apes"! These apes haven't seen a human in centuries, and it shows. The Captain orders the crew to protect Uranus at all costs. But three of the extremely agitated apes have made it into the cargo hold. What happened next is so vile that it cannot be written or even discussed. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 181 - Alpha Delta Beta Prostate or: The Diary of Dad's Brain

Tue, 29 May 2012 10:15:00 EDT

When Glen the plumber is done with his long day of laying pipe, he likes to relax and have a cold beer. Unfortunately, he's all out of beer. To top it off the TV has unexpectedly died and the dog just got sick on his new wood floor. He calls up his girlfriend Gina to come over for a little romance, but she's on her period. Now things are about to get ugly. Outside, the solar storm kicks into high gear. Transmissions are garbled and the sky turns a vivid green. Bill gets stung by a wasp and bit by a pelican on his penis. Both in the same day. A strange coincidence indeed, as this is the exact sequence of events that's required to start a zombie outbreak. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 180 - Crouching Lineman, Hidden Douchebag or: The Draining of the Sturgeon

Mon, 21 May 2012 13:55:00 EDT

Things have been really crazy on the ranch since Jethro got back. Talk about micromanagement! He's been up everyone's ass like a tapeworm in heat. Even the goats are pissed. Meanwhile at the yacht club, Christine orders the clam chowder when her BFF calls with some exciting news! She then gets passive-aggressive with the waiter, making unusual requests. The pube in her salad goes unnoticed, however, and she leaves a substantial tip. Tyrone builds a sex robot and somehow manages to get herpes from it. Then the robot goes on a horny sex spree infecting the rest of the neighborhood before it's put down by animal services. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 179 - 50,000 Pounds of Larvae or: All Hail King Turdpile!

Tue, 15 May 2012 10:19:00 EDT

Even though the horned toad told him to go south to Mexico, Jake stayed put. Defiantly, the horned toad went south on his own and had a legendary time in Cancun. Sex, booze, women, hookers, phlegm, topless babes, leather, vomit, panty masks, used condoms, more women and even a stray donkey were on the playlist. Everything the horned toad expected and then some. It was all going great till he was confronted by the cartel who demanded that he smuggle contraband across the border by hiding it in his rectum. The horned toad refused and made a valiant escape back to America, his anus still intact. However, he doesn't remember how and when he got his nipples pierced. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 178 - Marxist Madame, Soviet Socialite or Armed for Recital

Mon, 07 May 2012 11:12:00 EDT

It's like a 1980's circuitbent fantasy romance. Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love with girl. Girl ignores boy because she has the hots for the school's football star. Boy does stupid things to get girl's attention. Aliens invade and destroy the city. Boy and girl are the only survivors. Boy falls in love with alien that he believes might be a female because it has 3 'vaginas'. Boy and alien have a halfbreed baby. Baby half human-alien grows to be 300 feet tall and rampages across 5 states before it is killed by a last resort nuclear blast. Boy regrets coupling with the alien and asks original "girl" for forgiveness. Girl now is interested in boy. Boy gives girl an alien STD. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 177 - Last Chance for Lap Dance or: Sensitivity Training In Progress

Tue, 01 May 2012 11:16:00 EDT

In this tearjerker, the 800 pound gorilla in the room really is an 800 pound gorilla. However, this is the one time that having an 800 pound gorilla in the room is an asset. See, it just so happens that at that very moment, this house was randomly "home invaded". The carnage was quick and complete. At least Jeff had wood floors and good insurance. But no one can explain how the gorilla got there in the first place. Could it have been teleported? Al is assigned to the HMS Cornhole. Reggie acquires a couple of nice additions for his polyp collection. He then exposes the polyps to a small amount of radiation for several hours. Now the polyps have acquired a taste for human flesh and fava beans. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 176 - Soup Kitchen Sex Fantasy or: Greetings from Ambassador Molotov

Thu, 26 Apr 2012 10:29:00 EDT

It's when times are at their darkest that people turn to faith and hope. But then the containment field fails. Within minutes, all measurements go off the scale. Evacuations are ordered, but is it too late? Andrea gets a bonus and puts some money down on a new Prius. A wormhole is discovered just south of 8th Street. Before it can be filled, thousands of worm people come crawling out. Turns out that when startled, worm people secrete a gel like substance that makes a landfill smell like sweet roses. Chaos immediately follows. Eric bakes sugar cookies and the dog pees in the living room. Tom's parakeet learns to say the word 'bitch'. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 175 - Hungarian Throw-up Machine or: Control ALT ReGurgiTron

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 10:32:00 EDT

Mark was a typical thirty-something, basement dwelling trainwreck. At his best, he is mis-matched socks, bad breath and a 2 day stubble beard. At his worst, which was really more like his everyday average, he is a wall of putrid body odor on a stagnate Summer afternoon. Leslie is the trailer park's finest. Birthing hips, three missing teeth, huge bleached hair, and a whole lot of attitude. They were meant to be. But the baby looked more like Pedro the lawn guy than Mark. By their 4th child, even Mark began to get a little suspicious. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 174 - Shave the Whales or: Locked in the Freezer with Honkey and Crackers

Mon, 09 Apr 2012 18:02:00 EDT

This town can't catch a break! Last week it was the 'great dioxin spill'. This time, the mayhem starts innocently enough while little Joey is digging for artifacts in a vacant lot. He unexpectedly releases Dr. Von Zurnbler's latest creation, a hybrid vampire - insect zombie - wolf-breed colony! Matters are further complicated when Sheena, the town slut is, bitten. Randy farts in yoga class. Stan takes a detour on the way to the mall. Nurse Riley gets busted for possession - demonic possession. Amber confronts Gary and a mysterious package show up unexpectedly. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 173 - Buster's Last Stand or: That Movie with Those People

Tue, 03 Apr 2012 10:16:00 EDT

Unknown to just about everyone, Steve is in it for the chicks. This will probably be a huge letdown to all his adoring fans. But for now, he's riding high. Ticket sales are strong along with hot merchandise demand. But then his computer gets hacked. Jessie meets a long lost relative who is looking for money. Robert escapes the clutches of his nanny. Artie gets a promotion. An earthquake is felt in nearby Rosemont. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 172 - Alpha Male Pissing Match or: Sock Monkey - the Sphincter Puppet Reunion Tour

Tue, 27 Mar 2012 13:56:00 EDT

What started off as a perfect day abruptly heads south as Jack runs out of toilet paper. He reaches in his pocket for the only piece of paper he can find - yesterday's lottery ticket. Later, he realizes that this wipe cost him over $130 million. Undaunted, he hits the drive-thru followed by the nudie bar - so it's not a total loss. Beth comes across a spider in her house. This is an unusually large spider, about the size of a small dog - her small dog which she hasn't seen all day. Turns out the spider ate her dog. Three days later, the spider shits out a dog collar and half of a leash. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 171 - Liquid Bondage and the Monster Attack or: Granny Panty Surprise

Mon, 19 Mar 2012 17:45:00 EDT

Janice comes across something she can't explain which sends her into a rabid panic. She goes on a shopping spree buying everything in her path. She finally reaches her credit limit while carrying a basket full of adult toys. Alice gets a puppy for her boyfriend Jake. Annie finds out that the internet is for things other than porn. Alex digs up an unexploded WWII bomb in his backyard. Upon closer inspection it turns out not to be a bomb at all. It's a space station. And the billions of inhabitants, though extremely tiny are still alive.... and now awakened. Battle stations!!!! email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 170 - A Mouth Full of Oscillators or: We'll Always Have the Slaughterhouse

Mon, 12 Mar 2012 12:57:00 EDT

Stu goes completely off the reservation after a day of huffing gasoline. Unfortunately, he loses a testicle while attempting to shave his balls with a rusty straight razor. However, in a brief moment of genius, he stuffs one of his wife's emergency super-absorbent tampons into the sack void. It saves his life. Bob gets "served" by 4 urban fellows, one of which is carrying a pie. Blueberry pie. Dan's fortune cookie gives him much needed inspiration and he decides to become a ninja. Lilly breaks her nose ice fishing. Lester farts in yoga class. Al hooks up in the frozen food isle. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 169 - Wedgie for Haji or: Whisky Tango Fuckup

Mon, 5 Mar 2012 08:30:00 EDT

While dumpster diving, Nathan finds an envelope labeled "TOP SECRET". Inside are the schematics to a Russian doomsday device. He proceeds to build said device using found parts and used duct tape. Dissatisfied with the outcome, he gives the device to 'some homeless guy'. Gregory gets a pony. Jill writes "The Essential Guide to Perfect Manscaping" under the pen name 'Pablo Jones'. It becomes a New York Times best-seller. Walter has a recurring pain in his neck. After weeks of increasing discomfort he breaks down and visits a doctor. Turns out a large tick has burrowed itself under his skin and grown to the size of a mouse while simultaneously tapping into his brain stem. It cannot safely be removed. In less than two weeks Walter will be under the complete control of the tick. email: web:

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Difficult Listening Channel - 168 - Gimp the Pimp or: That Which Festers Only Makes Me Smarter

Tue, 28 Feb 2012 12:32:00 EDT

Blanche, an 84 year old resident of a local retirement home gets appointed chairperson of the facility's entertainment committee. Her first act is to institute 'porn night' every Thursday. The first week's theme 'Best Beaver of the Nixon 70's' is a smash hit and senior morale reaches an all-time high. Nearby St. Mary's Hospital sees an unusual rise in the number of hip fracture patients. Meanwhile, south of the Ozarks, little Sammy falls from a tree hitting his head. He wakes up believing that he is Winston Churchill and then organizes a complex multi-front invasion of the neighboring trailer park. Beverly bakes cookies while Brad feeds the dogs. Mr. Pinkers coughs up a hairball the size of a grapefruit. email: web:

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