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Massive Missives

All Things Michael Appleby

Updated: 2018-03-05T16:13:49.000-07:00


The Michael Appleby Theory Of Women's First Names And Relative Hotness


Before I begin this post I have to give a shout-out to Adam Snider (@ink_slinger if you do the whole Twitter thing). Thanks to a small series of recent tweets from Adam, I arrived at the following theory. So without the tireless efforts of Adam Snider (or here if you do the whole World Wide Web thing)(here if you have no idea what a World Wide Web is)(here if you are clinically considered to be

Is It The End Of The Decade Already?


The folks over at Pitchfork have recently compiled a list of the top 500 songs of the decade. According to them. I followed it as it wended it's way from number 500 all the way down to number one over the course of five installments. What made the list so cool to follow was that the contributers to the list including samples from each song included, but really if you wanted to hear the full

Since You Asked, Here Is The Sexy Playlist On My iPod


Okay, so when I mentioned driving around listening to sexy songs recently I was asked by a few people what I meant by that. Well, the songs were sexy. There's something utterly cool about driving around town listening to songs that are sexy. Anyway, since I was asked, I thought I would go through the playlist I have on my iPod, yes there actually is one, and comment on each song's inclusion.

I Was Tagged In Somebody's Note, And Though It's Not My Custom To Honor Such A Thing, I Thought I Would Make An Exception


1. Spell your name without an E,R,S,H,K,I,M,L,C,A,Y,N: PPB2.Are you single? Yes3.What is your favorite number? 234.What is your favorite color? I would say black, but it's so basic and essential. So, instead of that, I'm going to go ahead and say blue. 5.Least favorite color? I get tired of purple. 6. what are you listening to? Clap Your Hands Say Yeah's self-titled album.7.Are you happy with

Protip For Alberta Campers


Camping season is fast approaching here in desolate Alberta, Canada (sorry Tourism Alberta, your cheque bounced hard and fast; that's the only endorsement you'll get from me). With the warmer weather comes what promises to be many cherished memories, "off-road" vehicles getting trashed actually going off-road, wild mountain lion attacks, cases of West Nile Virus, and whatever else it is you

Still Asking Rodents To Give You An Understanding Of Weather Patterns? You're A Winner! (where the hell is a sacasm emoticon when you need one?)


Okay, recently (well, not so recently given my timing, but you know what I mean), Groundhog Day was upon us and then it was over again just as suddenly as it arrived. I thought that I would take this opportunity to fill you in on the outcome of the day's festivities in case you were living underneath a rock. Do you want to know what the little varmint had to say? Do you want to really know the

Who Wants Some Fucking Nesquik?


Because I've been feeling kind of blah the past few days I'm going to point in the direction of 5secondfilms. I really like how they do the whole internet sketch comedy thing blended with the ultimate in brevity. If you watch a sketch that doesn't seem that funny, hey, that's okay, it was only 5 seconds long, move on to the next sketch. So far, though, this one is my favorite. If you see me

Something About This One Gives Me A Case Of The Warm Fuzzies (One, Two, The!)


Coming to the Sundance Film Festival this year is a little Norwegian horror movie called Dead Snow, and after having had a chance to watch the trailer for it on YouTube, I can honestly say I have a pretty good feeling that this movie is going to be the drop-dead-gorgeous-woman-whose-t-shirt-just-spontaneously-rips-open-to-expose-huge-globous-breasts-that-god-never-intended-to-be-concealed of

A Sure Sign Your Actions Are Influenced By Jackass


Hey there, long time, no see.So, today I was at work. Dutifully, as usual. And something happened today that more or less scared the shit out of me. It wasn't scary in the sense that a psycho killer with a meat cleaver and a necklace of children's teeth was leaping out from the shadows telling me that he wanted to butt-rape me, though I'm not really sure why I just put all of those elements

Michael Appleby's Theory Of Relativity


Somewhere along the way, culturally speaking, older women got a whole lot sexier. That is to say, you watch television, you watch movies, you put on a Madonna album, or you read something by Anne Rice, and older women seem to be depicted more and more as being sexual deviants. You know the old lady who looked after Tweety Bird in the Bugs Bunny and Roadrunner Show? She probably got her kink on

I Have No Clue What To Tell You


Click Here.You know, I tried to come up with a title for this blog entry that sums up what I found in the linked article perfectly. No matter what, though, nothing I could put together in words communicated it succinctly enough.Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot.I'll summarize the article for you because the article itself is pretty short and easy to follow. Basically, in Vancouver, the police

Semi-New Poem: Every Time You Pass


Okay, so for those of you who were in the audiences at the Raving Poets reading series "Heart Beat" this will probably not be a new poem for you because I read it over a month ago. Mind you, I'm neglectful of my little blog sometimes and so I'm finally getting around to putting up some new poetry and, of my new poetry, this is some stuff that got pretty positive feedback (or at least I thought

Declaration Of Independence (For Cocks)


Man, you know what I saw on T.V. the other day? Another Cialis commercial. It doesn't really matter how clever they write the ads for any of the boner pills out there, every time I see them I get a little bit angry. Now, don't get me wrong, I think it's great that I get to see commercials with middle-aged shlubs dancing around in public and singing the praises of their chemically induced

One Of The Coolest Music Videos I've Ever Seen


Click here.The link goes to a site that contains what can only be described as an interactive (go ahead try clicking Win's hands and face while he sings) music video for the Arcade Fire song "Neon Bible." I just thought I'd pass that link along to you because I just watched it for the first time and it blew my mind!

Ghosts I-IV


If you're like me you're trying to buy a download of Nine Inch Nails' latest offering "Ghosts I-IV" today. It's available for download only through various Torrent sites or you can go to the official website and purchase a download for as little as $5.00. Musically, it's 36 tracks of instrumental NIN bliss. Right now I've got it playing on the website's player while I wait for the download to

New Poem: "Futility"


On March 5, 2008, the Raving Poets return to their cozy little Yianni's basement, The Kasbar. Details of the next reading series we're doing can be found at the Raving Poets' website. I hope to see all of you there. It promises to be a great feat of literature. In the meantime here's a new poem. It's short and sweet.FutilityI mailed you a tin can.It should have arrived by now.I'm very sorry;

It's Official: Everything You Do Is Killing The Environment


Click here.Government officials are now citing drinking bottled water as immoral. Some of you are probably drinking a bottle of water as you are reading this and, you know what, you are monsters!It's about damned time somebody came out and said it. Every time I see some jerk cracking open a bottle of water I vomit emotionally because I know that Mother Nature is getting raped repeatedly for her

Natural Selection Is Working Just Fine. Stop Screwing With It, Glomobi!


So I was watching television the other day and saw an ad for a Glomobi service. Glomobi, for the uninitiated, offer a range of services for cellular phone users all over the place. Text message the word "JOKE" to blah, blah, blah, blah and you'll have trouble not crapping your pants from getting the funniest jokes in the world sent directly to your cell phone! You know the kind of service I'm

The Roar!


On September 21, next Friday to be more informal, the third annual Roar literary festival takes place here in Edmonton. Click the picture will take you to the official website for the festival. You would do well to go to the website and check it out. There are a ton of great shows going on that night if you are into poetry.My own little part to play in this year's festival happens at Three

Thoughts On Being Explicit


So tonight, after I got home from work, I thought that I would kick back and listen to the latest Garner Andrews podcast. After opening up my iTunes and starting the latest podcast I found myself looking through all of my downloaded podcasts and noticed something that made me smile.As some of you out there may know, or maybe not, I was featured in a couple of episodes of The Raving Poets'

World War Z: An Oral History Of The Zombie War


I very recently finished reading Max Brooks' novel World War Z: An Oral History Of The Zombie War. I had read his other zombie book The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead some time ago and was quite impressed with how thoroughly Brooks approached the subject of a zombie apocalypse. In the survival guide he expounded, at great length, on various strategies for

New Poem - "Affront"


Here's another poem that was performed at the last Raving Poets series that I'm finally getting around to posting. I think this one is more in my loveable scumbag mode of writing. It's called "Affront." Enjoy.AffrontIt had to be said.It had to be whisperedhow much I wanted to fuck youwhile we sat in churchat your nephew’s christeningbecause I didn’t want to disturbthe rest of your familywith

New Poem - "Spark"


Sorry that I haven't been posting very much lately. I've been a busy boy of late. Lots of living life away from my keyboard. It's not that I haven't been writing, but I've been really distracted from getting to my beloved blogging. Here's a poem that I actually performed a while back in the "Rapture" series with the Raving Poets. You'll notice that it's dated for July and that's because I

New Poem - "Lamp Men Of Midnight"


Okay, not exactly new, but a poem that all but six people have seen in some manner of print. I just thought I would post it finally. I wrote it back in April and performed it at one of the Raving Poets nights pretty much right after writing it. I really like writing these sort of noctunal type poems. Enjoy. Lamp Men Of MidnightIamhomeamong the lamp men of midnight, theshadowed faces cutting

Bulls On Parade


As most of you out there know by now, I work in a casino. In that casino we get live entertainment each and every weekend. I say "live entertainment," but trust me when I say that entertainment isn't always what you get. The bands we get are a mixed bag. Some are actually pretty good and others are pretty bad.How do you cope with having to remain in that place when a bad band is booked to