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Something Awful

Last Build Date: Thu, 22 Mar 2018 05:16:05 GMT


Might I Interest You in Some Q-Tips?

Thu, 22 Mar 2018 00:00:00 GMT

Ma'am, what if I told you I have the miracle of a lifetime right here in this briefcase?

I'm Making a Game! Try the Demo in Your Browser, Give Your Life Savings to the Kickstarter

Wed, 21 Mar 2018 05:00:00 GMT

I'm making a choose-your-own-adventure comedy game about uninformed choices and unfair consequences. It's called Harm Other, and you can play the demo now.


Tue, 20 Mar 2018 01:00:00 GMT


My Warhammer Novel Pitch

Tue, 20 Mar 2018 00:00:00 GMT

Games Workshop is looking for samples from aspiring Warhammer authors. Since my biggest dream in life is to have a book published, I put together this submission. Fingers crossed!


Fri, 16 Mar 2018 05:00:00 GMT

Levi Johnston confronts his own mortality and offers his support for a new candidate for president.

We Taught Pizza Cars to Drive, but at What Cost?

Thu, 15 Mar 2018 01:00:00 GMT

Self-driving pizza delivery cars were an invention never meant for this world.

Revolutionary Immigration Solutions!

Wed, 14 Mar 2018 01:00:00 GMT

A 20ft wall was never going to cut it. We brainstormed like hurricanes and the results are - in all modesty - completely foolproof options for keeping immigrants out.

My Favorite Scenes From Batman & Ronin

Wed, 14 Mar 2018 00:00:00 GMT

INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - The personification of flopsweat, MR. FREEZE (Sean Bean) desperately tries to impress a group of experienced outlaws with cold-themed puns.

Things I Have Packed in My Bug Out Bag

Fri, 09 Mar 2018 05:00:00 GMT

Big trouble is coming and you have to be ready to go with a moment's notice.

This Costco Membership Could Really Turn Our Family Around

Thu, 08 Mar 2018 00:00:00 GMT

Yessir, if this family continues to not mention past incidents, Costco could give us all a new lease on life.

The Best PC Games You Can't Buy

Wed, 07 Mar 2018 00:00:00 GMT

Before the noted terrible game Destiny 2, and even before Halo, Bungie made fantasy games about dwarfs exploding into gross bloody chunks on hills and bridges.

Why Is Brooklyn Barbeque Taking Over the World?

Tue, 06 Mar 2018 00:00:00 GMT

Are two squashed cafeteria rolls and a forlorn clump of grey meatfat biscotti on a sea of butcher paper really taking over the world?


Fri, 02 Mar 2018 05:00:00 GMT

Levi Johnston's stint at the Department of Housing and Urban Development leads to serious consequences for Dr. Ben Carson.

Into the Breach: Strategically Pushing Kaiju Bugs Into Pools

Wed, 28 Feb 2018 00:00:00 GMT

In most games you'd hop into your mech and shoot the giant alien bugs until they fell over. Here, you turn Asshole Physics into an art form.

Throne of Fire

Mon, 26 Feb 2018 01:00:00 GMT

In which an all-out barbarian war is fought over a chair that will probably kill you.

The Hoods Are to Be Worn With Your School Uniforms Going Forward

Fri, 23 Feb 2018 05:00:00 GMT

The velvet hoods are now mandatory for all classes and on-campus activities. Do not remove them for any reason.

No One Wants to Get Shot, But You Don't Have to Be Rude About It

Thu, 22 Feb 2018 00:00:00 GMT

We're not going to solve gun massacres with bad manners, people.

Star Wars: Galaxies and the Joy of Being a Big Dumb Baby

Wed, 21 Feb 2018 00:00:00 GMT

One month after the launch of Star Wars: Galaxies a scrawny Mon Calamari stands in an Imperial player-created city, hands at his sides and large vacant eyes also at his sides.

Have You Considered the Consequences of a Gun-Free USA?

Tue, 20 Feb 2018 00:00:00 GMT

The guns are gone. Now what happens to all those paper targets? Don't tell me you forgot about the paper targets. The ones hanging from little clips on fancy clotheslines at shooting ranges. With no guns to destroy these legions of paper bastards, they go unchecked.

The Definitive Ranking of the Scariest Rob Zombie Videos

Fri, 16 Feb 2018 05:00:00 GMT

Grimy horror growler Rob Zombie's scariest music videos finally ranked to warn your children.

This Zombie Outbreak Is Just the Team Building Exercise Our Office Needs

Thu, 15 Feb 2018 01:00:00 GMT

As your manager, I couldn't help but notice that productivity is a little low this month, and I think we can leverage this zombie situation to strengthen our teamwork skills.

You Call THIS an Intervention?

Wed, 14 Feb 2018 00:00:00 GMT

The only twelve-step program I want to take are the twelve steps it takes to get me out of this room. Give or take a few steps.

The Five Most Outrageous Revelations from the Vulture Interview with Rowlf the Dog

Fri, 09 Feb 2018 05:00:00 GMT

Vulture landed an incredible interview with legendary musician and Muppet Rowlf. We break down his wildest claims.

Let Me Explain Economics

Thu, 08 Feb 2018 00:00:00 GMT

You have four supply, four lemonades, and four profits. You sell them all for two profits. That's pure profit.

It's the 20th Anniversary of My Quake 2 David Letterman Skin!

Wed, 07 Feb 2018 00:00:00 GMT

The Quake 2 David Letterman skin remains my crowning achievement, a work of art as vital and compelling as it was the day that dave.pcx was uploaded.

10 Things Cut from Trump's State of the Union Address

Tue, 06 Feb 2018 00:00:00 GMT

All the dirt on the latest thing the President did that you'll forget about in two days.

The Nunes Memo: "It is OK to put ranch on everything"

Fri, 02 Feb 2018 05:00:00 GMT

The Nunes Memo has leaked and it will change the way you view our country forever!

My Ultimate Football Hope for the XFL

Fri, 26 Jan 2018 04:00:00 GMT

The XFL is coming back in 2020 and I have some ideas for the future of the league.

Nintendo's Going Into Labo

Thu, 25 Jan 2018 00:00:00 GMT

Cardboard. Seems like an odd material to base a product around, right? You might think it's less durable than plastic, and you're absolutely right. Players won't be able to use Labo inside of a running industrial shredder, as that could potentially damage the cardboard.

Creating Sound Effects For The Shape of Water Has Broken Me

Thu, 25 Jan 2018 00:00:00 GMT

Watching a slimy merman and a janitor knock boots for 30 seconds is uncomfortable. Watching that same clip on a loop for days and creating audio for it can break you.

Wacky Video Game Logic... In Real Life?!? What the

Wed, 24 Jan 2018 00:00:00 GMT

Wacky video game logic: If you become injured, try to get healed as quickly as possible.

Outdated GPS Devices: Where Are They Now?

Tue, 23 Jan 2018 00:00:00 GMT

Where is the TomTom Navigator now? 40.7 Latitude, -74 Longitude

Upcoming Fan Edits of "Star Wars: The Last Jedi"

Fri, 19 Jan 2018 05:00:00 GMT

Dissatisfied Star Wars fans have taken the women out of the Last Jedi with a new fan edit. They won't stop there.

Thank the Elder Gods It's Friday

Thu, 18 Jan 2018 01:00:00 GMT

The fifth phase of the week is upon us. Shops close, bars open, and we are free from the Bosses once more. But They Who Were Before Time await our tribute...

A Little Advice For Astronauts

Wed, 17 Jan 2018 00:00:00 GMT

Hungry? Try looking around for a little something called ASTRONAUT FOOD. Or you can hold out until you get to Pluto and look for some berries... if you want to starve to death!


Fri, 12 Jan 2018 05:00:00 GMT

Get in on the ground floor of the hottest new crypto currency sweeping Earthrealm!

Raw Chicken: Silicon Valley's Latest Power Meal

Thu, 11 Jan 2018 00:00:00 GMT

Those geniuses in Silicon Valley have done it again and unlocked the true power of chicken.

Review: Mouse Guard Roleplaying Game

Wed, 10 Jan 2018 00:00:00 GMT

Before we get started you should know that I have never Dungeoned a Dragon or Findered a Path. As you read this review please keep in mind that Mouse Guard is my first pen & paper RPG and I am a colossal idiot.

A CPU Bug Is Sweeping the Cyber Nation and I Am Freaking Out!!

Tue, 09 Jan 2018 00:00:00 GMT

As you may have heard on the news or from your town crier, all the computer chips stopped working. There was a flaw. It got in there at the very beginning of computers and as chips got faster and smaller the flaw became more powerful and harder to see.

I... have changed my allegiance to the good boy

Fri, 05 Jan 2018 05:00:00 GMT

Gentle Creature rescinds his support for Gentle Creature Zuckerberg and turns his attention to the gentlest boy in the whole world.

If Global Warming is Real, Why Do Cold Things Exist?

Wed, 03 Jan 2018 00:00:00 GMT

If global warming is real, why does the Hoth sequence of Empire Strikes Back look exactly the same as it did when the movie first came out?

You Might Be a Redneck Jokes From "The Road"

Fri, 29 Dec 2017 05:00:00 GMT

Jeff Foxworthy's humor endures the waning light of civilization on The Road.

The Top 5 Guaranteed Ways To Get a Girlfriend in 2018!

Thu, 28 Dec 2017 12:00:00 GMT

Everybody loves lists! Everybody loves articles about how to get a girlfriend and do the dirty things with her! Everybody loves articles about the upcoming new year!

Your Three Days After Christmas Shopping Guide

Thu, 28 Dec 2017 00:00:00 GMT

Missed Christmas? Retain your few remaining friendships with our handy guide.

Special Guest Idris Elba's (Not a Joke) Top 10 Games of 2017

Wed, 27 Dec 2017 00:00:00 GMT

I didn't expect a reply, but it came. Here, somehow, is Idris Elba's list of 2017's best games.

FOR RELEASE: Cernovich Recieves Incredible Award for Heroic Deeds

Tue, 26 Dec 2017 10:00:00 GMT

Cernovich "not surprised" and "had no doubt" Cernovich would boldly succeed where all others have failed.

The Complete History of Magic Leap Prototypes: Leap Before You Look

Tue, 26 Dec 2017 00:00:00 GMT

You might think the Magic Leap headset is understated and not at all ridiculous-looking, but it wasn't always so perfect.

Me and Wyatt Koch Gave Sherm to Track Palin

Fri, 22 Dec 2017 05:00:00 GMT

Levi has lost a series of jobs in the Trump administration, been kicked off K-street, and forced to try a daring heist with the help of Track Palin.

Letters to Evil Head

Thu, 21 Dec 2017 01:00:00 GMT

My therapist says that writing letters to someone, even someone who doesn't exist, can help one explore their feelings. I'm just not sure why I chose you, the final boss of the 1989 arcade game Midnight Resistance.

5 Mediocre Christmas Gifts for Your Mediocre Friends

Wed, 20 Dec 2017 00:00:00 GMT

Nothing but the most convenient for the outer rung of your circle of friends.