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The Internet Marketing Tabloid



Uncensored rants from a disgruntled internet marketer.



Updated: 2017-11-12T22:45:25Z

 



Why A/B Testing Will Call Out the Online Marketing B.S. You’ve Learned

2013-05-08T18:13:20Z

Click here to read The Internet Marketing Tabloid online at InternetMarketingSucks.com! Is your website optimized for your target audience? With a large amount of competition on virtually every industry, it’s important to tailor your website to immediately meet the needs of your audience. For visitors to get the most out of it, they must be satisfied with both the design and usability. A/B testing is a […] See more great posts online at The Internet Marketing Tabloid Click here to read The Internet Marketing Tabloid online at InternetMarketingSucks.com! Is your website optimized for your target audience? With a large amount of competition on virtually every industry, it’s important to tailor your website to immediately meet the needs of your audience. For visitors to get the most out of it, they must be satisfied with both the design and usability. A/B testing is a website optimization technique that can be used to determine which elements on your site need re-worked, which will lead to a higher percentage of newsletter subscriptions, sales, or feed subscribers. Understanding what pitfalls may arise while a/b testing will set you on a path to re-vising your website for optimization. In this article we’ll take a closer look at 5 critical steps to planning and conducting a successful a/b test. Planning The first step to conducting a successful test is to set the groundwork of your testing efforts. As such, you should identify which elements need addressed before delving into a/b testing. Planning will ensure the time and effort put forth in testing is spent wisely. Consult with colleagues and friends to ask for advice and get an outside opinion on your website or email campaign. From here develop a timescale for implementation as this will let you know if your data-gathering and testing times are realistic. The following are some common goals one might want to achieve for their site: Optimizing purchases and sales, converting a higher percentage of visitors to customers. Improving sign-up rate, reducing bounce rate, increasing newsletter subscriptions. Understanding Metrics Metrics inform you what the changes on your website are now achieving. They also inform you of problems, so you can build your design efforts around achieving them. They will then let you know what the visitor is doing as a result of the changes made.  Useful data you will gather from analytics include how many people are bouncing off your page, aren’t converting into signed in users, and other pertinent data such as time spent on your site. One tool that provides useful user behavior insight is Google Analytics. For instance, if a referral or affiliate link isn’t working, you can go back and modify the source to make it fit for you. Test Interferences Interferences can skew tests results. A test interference arises when you test variations of the design on two separate pages. To prevent interference from occurring, make sure your testing software allows you to keep different page designs separate of one another. Check your software to see how it handles multiple tests running concurrently. You wouldn’t want to conduct a test with variations of a design on both pages, risking the chance that variables effecting customer performance will change. Testing Attribution Attribution lets you know if there is more than one way to accomplish a task. Results may be skewed when there’s more than one path to the same goal, and attribution makes you aware of this. Use A/B testing to understand how two variations in images, headlines, graphics, or copy affect visitor behavior more, less, or the same when tested against each other. You’ll be better equipped to make sound decisions by learning and testing which will allow you to achieve your marketing goals. Confidence Levels Confidence levels allow you to determine if the data you gather is significant. Statistical confidence’ ensures you’re evaluating your results the correct way and prevents you from reading too far into results when you only have a few conversions. For instance, you m[...]



Did You Partner with Paul? Better Call Saul!

2012-12-17T16:40:01Z

Click here to read The Internet Marketing Tabloid online at InternetMarketingSucks.com! Did you know that a $10 bill gets you books, and these books get you stacks of Benjamins and massive cleavage? Continue reading to discover how the Partner with Paul scheme works. If you have ever been scammed by a self-proclaimed guru, I have three words for you: “Better call Saul!” Saul Goodman will know […] See more great posts online at The Internet Marketing Tabloid Click here to read The Internet Marketing Tabloid online at InternetMarketingSucks.com! Did you know that a $10 bill gets you books, and these books get you stacks of Benjamins and massive cleavage? Continue reading to discover how the Partner with Paul scheme works. If you have ever been scammed by a self-proclaimed guru, I have three words for you: “Better call Saul!” Saul Goodman will know a guy who knows a guy who can get your money back. I’ve seen Saul on prime time television, not late night infomercials, so I know he’s legit. I recently found another character, and I’m very skeptical of this one. His name is Paul and his catchphrase isn’t quite as catchy. It’s simply, “Partner with Paul.” It’s direct and to the point, though, so I’ll give him some credit for knowing some advertising basics. Likewise, his claim is believable: Make a realistic $500 to $5,000 a month online. But everything fell apart when I looked at his sales letter! It starts out innocently enough – the date in the top right corner is static and doesn’t auto-update to the current day, and the video pitch doesn’t autoplay, blasting gibberish out of your speakers. But then he throws in this gem: “I don’t have any eBooks, courses or ‘membership sites’ to sell you.” Really? You’re not selling anything in this sales letter that you’re paying to advertise? At this point I’m 100% sure Paul is just another self-proclaimed guru with nothing new to offer, but just to see how pathetic the deal was, I kept scrolling… Soon Paul explains why he needs your help to make even more money than his current $100,000 each month. And it’s a reason I’ve never seen before! Here it is, in his words: “The problem is that I’ve grown my online business about as big as I can by myself, and I swore that I would never open an office or hire a bunch of employees no matter what.” There’s a great business plan there buddy. When you have tons of money but no time left, instead of hiring employees and scaling your business, you do nothing. Really, you should be awarded Entrepreneur Of The Year. Do everything by yourself because you made a lame promise that you’d never stimulate the economy or provide jobs to those in need? Hmmm… I turn to my loyal blog readers. Would you partner with Paul? No businessman would. And that’s probably why Paul is turning to gullible folks on the internet who will swoon over his riches and hang on his every word. Anyway, back to this hilarious offer. So far, we know that Paul doesn’t have anything to sell us. Looking at the bottom of the page, we also find out that “this offer is not available in the state of South Dakota.” (There’s never been a better time to be a South Dakota resident!) Finally, it’s time to fill out the form and give Paul your contact details. Once you fill out your info and click “Show me the website,” you’re taken to another page to fill out even more info and also pay a $9.95 shipping and handling fee to get some DVDs. Oddly, some woman named Tanya is in charge of this page. Which begs the questions, “what happened to Paul??” He disappeared on me! Oh noes! I’m completely lost! The best part is, I’d say this package of materials for $9.95 would constitute a “course,” which is exactly what Paul said he didn’t have to sell. Maybe Paul doesn’t, but Tanya [...]



Isn’t It Sad We Get Emails Like This?

2012-12-13T20:15:05Z

Click here to read The Internet Marketing Tabloid online at InternetMarketingSucks.com!

Here’s an email I received from MaxBounty not long ago: Hi Tim, News abounds in our industry of more networks either not paying their affiliates or closing their doors permanently. If you were working with one of these networks, I’d like to give you some peace of mind and invite you to move that traffic […]

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Click here to read The Internet Marketing Tabloid online at InternetMarketingSucks.com!

Here’s an email I received from MaxBounty not long ago:

Hi Tim,

News abounds in our industry of more networks either not paying their affiliates or closing their doors permanently. If you were working with one of these networks, I’d like to give you some peace of mind and invite you to move that traffic over to us.

MaxBounty is stronger than ever:

– 8+ years of ALWAYS on-time payments
– Still paying weekly
– Still offering a $1K new affiliate performance bonus
– Still present and visible at trade shows
– Still growing
– Hosting AffiliateRewards.com in Las Vegas for our top affiliates

Are the other networks you are working with just as stable as MaxBounty? If not, why are you still working with them?

If you partake in discussions at webmaster forums, keep up with the latest FTC news, or even just look at Facebook groups, you’ve certainly seen at least one network under fire. The FTC is always looking for someone to shut down, and angry affiliates want their payments on time (or else!) I don’t know if it’s getting worse right now, but it’s certainly not getting any better.

Individual merchants are no exception.

It’s just plain sad. Sad that these networks are screwing people. Sad that they’re likely getting screwed themselves. But most of all, sad that if they all go bankrupt, we’re left with Google Affiliate Network having a monopoly here, too!

I bet even MaxBounty is sad because no matter how many on-time payments they send out, it’s not going to end this NHL lockout.

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3 Keyword Research Strategies That Will Piss Off Your Competitors

2012-11-21T14:05:20Z

Click here to read The Internet Marketing Tabloid online at InternetMarketingSucks.com! One of the very first steps when building a website or beginning an SEO campaign is keyword research. Offline, you don’t want to create a product that no one wants. Online, you don’t want to create content that no one wants. So you need to figure out what people are actually searching for and create […] See more great posts online at The Internet Marketing Tabloid Click here to read The Internet Marketing Tabloid online at InternetMarketingSucks.com! One of the very first steps when building a website or beginning an SEO campaign is keyword research. Offline, you don’t want to create a product that no one wants. Online, you don’t want to create content that no one wants. So you need to figure out what people are actually searching for and create your content around these topics. Most of the time, proper keyword research involves hours of painstaking research. Fancy software and Ubots will speed up the process with some automation, but you still have to use your brain. And it’s still going to take time. And you’ll have to visit at least 20 different sites to get different types of information. It takes WORK. Naturally, I have a better way. Instead of doing the work yourself, you take advantage of the work your competitors already did! If they caught you doing this, I don’t think they’d appreciate it. But guess what? You can do this without giving them the slightest clue you did it. I present to you, three simple keyword research techniques to save yourself some time… and piss off your competitors! 1. Pull keyword data from SEMRush. SEMRush is an expensive (it starts at $80/month) research tool that allows you to do extensive competitor research through a simple online interface. But you can gather quite a bit of data with their free version that doesn’t even require registration! All you have to do is type a competitor’s URL into the box and hit search. The site will bring up a bunch of data, from backlinks to PPC ad campaigns and everything in between. (Don’t know your competitors? Type in your URL and SEMRush will list some of your competitors!) Look for the box marked “Organic keywords.” This is a list of all keywords the domain ranks for, along with the search volume, CPC, and more. When you click for the “full report,” you’ll get to see your competitor’s 10 best performing keywords in organic search. You just picked up 10 killer keyword ideas in about 2 minutes! Your competitor could have spent days, months, or years trying to find those keywords! To further expand your ideas without spending a dime, continue on… 2. Analyze the keyword density for each page of your competitor’s site. Now we’re going to take a little more direct attack on your competitors. For this step, you need a list of your competitors’ URLs and a keyword density checking tool (such as the one from SEO Book, which I believe is the best choice.) It’s rather simple what you’re going to do – just run each URL through the checker and see what 2-4 word phrases appear at the top of the list. If your competitors are smart, there probably won’t be any phrases at more than 1-2% density, but the good phrases will be easy to separate from the generic filler. Once you’ve analyzed all the key pages from each of your competitors, you should have a very nice list of keywords! 3. Look in their meta keywords tags. Oh boy. Now we’re getting personal! We’re going beneath the surface, deep into their websites’ innards, to probe for their prized, golden keywords! The process is simple. You just open your browser, visit the target site, right-click and “view page source.” The meta keywords tag is right at the top, perhaps five or ten lines down. The exact keywords your competitor carefully researched and [...]



MicrositeMasters: The Perfect Example of a Superior Product

2012-11-07T19:23:09Z

Click here to read The Internet Marketing Tabloid online at InternetMarketingSucks.com! Plotting your SERP ranks, much like plotting crime locations in a movie, is essential. Ever since it was profitable to rank in search engines, people have been wanting to track their ranks. No matter if it was a clever computer programmer attempting to reverse-engineer Google’s algorithm, or a shady SEO charging clients $$$$ to rank […] See more great posts online at The Internet Marketing Tabloid Click here to read The Internet Marketing Tabloid online at InternetMarketingSucks.com! Plotting your SERP ranks, much like plotting crime locations in a movie, is essential. Ever since it was profitable to rank in search engines, people have been wanting to track their ranks. No matter if it was a clever computer programmer attempting to reverse-engineer Google’s algorithm, or a shady SEO charging clients $$$$ to rank their site #1 for tons of terms with no search volume, tracking a website’s daily rank changes was critical to success. Because of this, the market was flooded with these “rank trackers.” There was just one small problem – none of them were very good! They took way too much time to configure, didn’t return accurate results, and lacked proper synchronization with your SEO efforts. But flawed offerings were better than nothing. (Unlike the internet marketing guru industry, where noobs would be better off with 0 ebooks to choose from.) Things changed in late 2011 with the release of a new rank tracking service called MicroSiteMasters. Not only did this new tool do a better job than the existing tools, it contained features never seen before! It was a true example of a game changer, and that’s why I’m using it as the centerpiece of this post. width="500" height="281" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/aW2GXRHlzQU?fs=1&feature=oembed" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen> See, the internet is full of inferior, “me too” type products. It’s especially prevalent in this niche, where 99% of these “make money online” authors have yet to make any money online. If you want to make some money, don’t follow in their footsteps. Follow in MicrositeMasters’ footsteps! Am I saying to create a rank tracking tool? No. I’m saying that if you want to succeed, you need to be a game changer. Don’t create a good product, create a great product. A superior product! The team behind MSM clearly saw the need for a full-featured rank tracker and they filled it. You could learn a lot from them if you analyze how their product fits into the marketplace. Luckily for you, I’m going to do exactly that… Let’s look at how MSM breaks the mold with their out-of-the-box thinking and blows away the competition (and forces me to use way too many buzzwords and cliches at the same time:) Their results are actually accurate! Is it really too much to ask for a rank tracker to track ranks accurately? Oh wait, it can’t be, because that’s what you’re paying for! If a service can’t track ranks accurately (and believe me, some of them were that bad,) you might as well just throw darts at the wall. During my testing of Microsite Masters, everything seemed accurate when compared against my own manual tracking, the averages in Google Webmaster Tools, and traffic stats in Google Analytics. That alone set MSM apart from existing services who could not get their data straightened out. It’s really amazing how they do this, especially today with so many different local and personalization factors in the SERPs. They must be running countless proxy servers worldwide. Go international at the push of a button. Speaking of going worldwide, MSM can track your ranks in virtually any country around the globe. It’s easy, too. Whenever you’re adding keywords, just use the dropdown menu to select a country. (If th[...]



MyBlogGuest – The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

2012-08-08T16:56:00Z

Click here to read The Internet Marketing Tabloid online at InternetMarketingSucks.com! The concept of “guest blogging” has been around for many years, far longer than any gurus have been preaching it. It’s the online equivalent of submitting an article for your school’s newspaper where you reveal where the cafeteria food really comes from, making you the most popular kid in school (if you exclude jocks, good […] See more great posts online at The Internet Marketing Tabloid Click here to read The Internet Marketing Tabloid online at InternetMarketingSucks.com! The concept of “guest blogging” has been around for many years, far longer than any gurus have been preaching it. It’s the online equivalent of submitting an article for your school’s newspaper where you reveal where the cafeteria food really comes from, making you the most popular kid in school (if you exclude jocks, good looking girls, the chess club, greasers, and band geeks.) It used to be a small-scale operation for freelance writers to get their works published on bigger sites, furthering their journalism careers. Now that the practice is becoming more popular and the “guest blogging” catchphrase is common place, it’s simply the latest link building scheme. How does it work? Blogger A e-mails Blogger B with a proposal to provide free content in exchange for a mention and link back, like so. Blogger B leaps from his computer chair with excitement, realizing this is his opportunity to take a day off from blogging and head down to the comic book store for the latest Green Lantern release. All he has to do to publish “Top 10 Reasons to Plant an Apple Tree In Your Front Yard” is include a link back to JohnnyAppleseedPaydayLoansWarehouse.info at the bottom of the page. It’s a win-win. But finding relevant blogs and e-mailing back and forth takes time, and spare time is something internet marketers don’t have. Fortunately, there’s a new site called MyBlogGuest that’s attempting to streamline the whole process. Does it work? Let’s see… MyBlogGuest – The Good MyBlogGuest has some good things going for it. Ann Smarty Ann Smarty has been called the Queen of Guest Blogging, a title she rightfully deserves. She has guest posted on more popular blogs than I can list, yet I haven’t seen her release a WSO or $47 ebook about how to do it. (That’s my quick litmus test to see if someone knows what they’re doing – the fact they did not release a WSO on the topic.) Instead, she set out to create a community of like-minded individuals. I can’t think of anyone better to be heading this project. A Noble Cause Perhaps building a community of guest bloggers is not as noble as loans that change lives or making fun of gurus, but it’s up there. I think it’s a great idea and if it works out, a lot of great partnerships could be formed. The synergy from combining food addict bloggers and recipe bloggers might just overwhelm the internet. Free Content If you have a blog, you can go in the MBG forum and find tons of other bloggers who would love to guest post on your site. That means free content for you. Free Links If you want to get your name and link out there, you’ll find tons of blogs willing and eager to publish your content. Some of them are even PR6! MyBlogGuest – The Bad Unfortunately, you’re bound to run into some problems on MBG. Poor-Quality Writing The cool thing about blogs that made them so popular is that anyone could have one. The problem with blogs, though, is that… anyone can have one. And anyone with a blog can join MBG. Perhaps English is their second or third language, or the person never finished elementary school. Either way, someone is going to submit something that you simply can’t publish. While I have a simmering hatred fo[...]



Fake It Till You Make It: The Best Deals on Tweets, Facebook Likes, and More!

2012-07-25T12:06:20Z

Click here to read The Internet Marketing Tabloid online at InternetMarketingSucks.com! Internet marketing has come a long, long way in the past few years. Just contrast today to what it used to be like… Back when I was a kid, I had to walk 3 miles in the snow, uphill, to get to the library where I could use a computer. I had to read real […] See more great posts online at The Internet Marketing Tabloid Click here to read The Internet Marketing Tabloid online at InternetMarketingSucks.com! Internet marketing has come a long, long way in the past few years. Just contrast today to what it used to be like… Back when I was a kid, I had to walk 3 miles in the snow, uphill, to get to the library where I could use a computer. I had to read real books, think over the subject matter, then completely re-write everything in my own words. Then it was another 3-mile walk uphill, in pouring rain, to go to all my friends’ houses where I would ask them to sign a petition verifying they liked my articles. Once I had my articles and signatures in hand, I could go to the local newspaper office and submit my work for publication on my section of their website. Only then could I walk the final 5 uphill miles home. 60 days later, the newspaper dispatched a horse and buggy to deliver my payment to my house. Today, you can scrape and spin content almost instantly, then you can buy fake social proof as soon as you publish your article. There’s no greater feeling of instant gratification than having 100 Facebook likes from your friends across the globe (i.e. India) less than a minute after publishing your article online! Since I wouldn’t want you to waste up to month’s Adsense earings (~ $3.72 if you’re as skilled as I am) on poor-quality fake likes, I’ll show you the best ways to buy Facebook likes, Tweets, and even Google +1’s without any hard work on your part. I’ll be reviewing each of these 5 options: SocialAdr ShortTask MicroWorkers Synnd AddMeFast And here we go…   1. SocialAdr SocialAdr sounds great, in theory. I wanted to get some Tweets and Google +1’s for their low price of 4 cents each, so I signed-up and added my links in a paid account. (Sure you can do it a free way, but there’s way too much work involved in that case!) Set-up is very simple and the site is straightforward, but I hit a snag – there’s still work involved in the paid version! You have to enter site titles and descriptions in spintax format, and they better be spun well so they don’t look like spam. After crafting some slick titles and descriptions, I hit the second snag – a single user could use up all of my credits in a flash! Your credits are evenly distributed by day, so you are pretty much limited to one user sharing one of your links per day. How? Well, each user will probably share your link on 8-20 different services at once. Since my $15/month account gave me 10 credits per day, all my credits for that day (and often the next) vanished. Typically this leaves you with a negative credit balance, so the next day just brings you back to 0, and you get to wait one more day for any more shares. The worst was snag #3 though – I was getting very few Tweets and +1’s, and no Facebook likes at all! 99% of users were adding my links to 20+ bookmarking sites, not one of which was Twitter or Google Plus! There was no way I could find to limit the bookmarks to certain services. So you could go all month and not get a single Tweet!! Hopefully you’re happy with bookmarks on such prestigious sites as MySiteVote.com, Bookmark4you.com, and JumpTags.com! While these are legit sites (unlike the junk on SocialMonkee,) does any real human still use these? On top of that, in the few Tweets I did receive, you know what was in the tweet? It started with the word “Sponsored:” in a[...]



I Hate Gurus!

2012-07-26T20:43:54Z

Click here to read The Internet Marketing Tabloid online at InternetMarketingSucks.com!

I really hate self-proclaimed internet marketing gurus. That’s why I blog. So I can make fun of them at my leisure. If you read my blog, you’ll save money and have a good laugh. And then your bank account will be overflowing and there will be a Rolls Royce parked in the driveway of your […]

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I really hate self-proclaimed internet marketing gurus. That’s why I blog. So I can make fun of them at my leisure.

If you read my blog, you’ll save money and have a good laugh. And then your bank account will be overflowing and there will be a Rolls Royce parked in the driveway of your mansion!*

*And by “read my blog” I meant win billions in the lottery. Reading my blog won’t give you any of those luxuries!

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What Book Actually Contains Internet Marketing Advice for Beginners?

2012-06-04T14:09:39Z

Click here to read The Internet Marketing Tabloid online at InternetMarketingSucks.com! [Warning: This post contains actual advice, rather than my typical sarcasm. If not being offended offends you, read a different post.] Since I berate every book released by a self-proclaimed internet marketing guru, I’m often asked, “is there any book out there that will teach me the basics?” It’s a fair question. Books are a […] See more great posts online at The Internet Marketing Tabloid Click here to read The Internet Marketing Tabloid online at InternetMarketingSucks.com! [Warning: This post contains actual advice, rather than my typical sarcasm. If not being offended offends you, read a different post.] Since I berate every book released by a self-proclaimed internet marketing guru, I’m often asked, “is there any book out there that will teach me the basics?” It’s a fair question. Books are a very cheap and easy way to learn the ropes before you dive in to this game called internet marketing. But it’s hard to find a book covering the basics of website promotion that doesn’t make promises like “just follow these instructions and you’ll make $57,189 in your first week, working just 15 minutes each day!” The trick is to find a legitimate publisher, rather than a guru. I’ve always considered Sitepoint to be on top of their game, and they regularly publish great books and articles for both beginner and advanced webmasters. And for each book, they usually give you one or two free sample chapters, so you can review the quality and writing style before spending a dime. I didn’t need a book from them about online marketing, but since I was buying their books in bundles to save money, I went ahead and grabbed a copy of Online Marketing Inside Out. The list price is $29.95, but I probably got it for 50% off in one of their holiday bundle sales. [Pro tip: Watch for SitePoint’s Black Friday or 12 Days of Christmas sales.] Who should read this? The ideal candidate would be someone who has an offline business and wants to market it online, but doesn’t know how or where to go about it. It’s generally aimed at small business owners with their own products, but even someone creating an informational site to monetize with Adsense or affiliate promotions will be able to use the marketing advice. If you are already familiar with offline advertising, even better. This book will help you approach marketing from a new angle so you can maximize your online marketing ROI. Here’s a bulleted list of reasons this book is good: Easy to read, thanks to a friendly, not-too-technical writing style. Simple enough for a complete novice to read and take action. You can skip around and read only the sections that apply to you at a certain time (and come back later for anything else.) Even if you decide not to do your own marketing, this gives you useful knowledge for hiring an inbound marketing firm. Each section is short and to the point, filled with key info and no fluff. The best way to summarize this book is that it will give you an overview of all your options for online marketing. I only have one problem to point out, and that’s that the book was published in 2009. That’s three years ago! Online marketing changes so much that even some of the basics mentioned in the book are no longer valid. Specifically, be careful with the SEO advice, and remember that new social media sites (think Pinterest) have launched in recent years. But most everything else that applied in 2009 still applies today in 2012. So if you’re not yet familiar with the online marketing landscape, get yourself a copy of this book and get a headstart on your competition. [Pro tip: You don’t need to spend $29.95 and wait for this book [...]



The Tale of Goldilinks and the Three Google Pandas

2012-02-19T22:13:38Z

Click here to read The Internet Marketing Tabloid online at InternetMarketingSucks.com! Once upon a time, there was a young webmaster named Goldilinks. One afternoon after work, she decided to go for a walk in the metropolis. After walking all through the San Francisco Bay Area, she made it to lovely Mountain View. At this point, she didn’t know what her websites were doing, so she was […] See more great posts online at The Internet Marketing Tabloid Click here to read The Internet Marketing Tabloid online at InternetMarketingSucks.com! Once upon a time, there was a young webmaster named Goldilinks. One afternoon after work, she decided to go for a walk in the metropolis. After walking all through the San Francisco Bay Area, she made it to lovely Mountain View. At this point, she didn’t know what her websites were doing, so she was really hungry for some top 10 Google rankings. Pretty soon, she came upon a group of colorful buildings. Since Goldilinks was still wearing her Pinkberry Frozen Yogurt uniform, security escorted her inside without a second thought, and told her to head to the main office. She knocked and, when no one answered, walked right in and made herself at home. At the kitchen table, she found a very powerful computer with three Chrome browser windows open. In each window, there was a SERP rank tracker. Goldilinks examined the first one, SEscout. “This rank tracker is too inaccurate!” she exclaimed. So, she clicked over to the next window and examined the second one, SERP Fox. “This rank tracker is too misleading!” she exclaimed. So, she examined the last rank tracker, Microsite Masters. “Ahhh, these SERP data are just right!” she said happily as she loaded all her sites and keywords into this interface. After analyzing all of her keywords, Goldilinks decided that her websites weren’t ranking where they should be. So, she walked over into the next office and found three separate marketing plans laid out in the open. The first one said to buy posts on blogs that would mention and link to your site. “This idea is too black hat!” she exclaimed. The next one said to place Adsense ads above the fold to generate more revenue. “This suggestion is too hypocritical!” she exclaimed. The third plan said to create quality content and provide a good user experience. “This idea is just right!” she exclaimed. All this thought of ranking strategies made Goldilinks tired, so she moved into the next room. There she found a Swiss ball. “This bed is too bouncy!” she exclaimed. Over in the corner was a hammock. “This bed is too outdoorsy!” she whined. Finally, Goldilinks curled up under a desk, which was just right, and she fell asleep. As she was sleeping, Matt Cutts and the Google Web Spam Team returned from afternoon yoga. “Someone has been tracking their SERP rankings on my computer!” growled Cutts. “Someone has been stealing my marketing ideas right off my desk!” grumbled Smith. “Someone was sleeping under my desk, and they’re still there!” cried Page. Just then, Goldilinks woke up to see three Pandas staring at her with mouths wide open. Poor Goldilinks was never seen nor heard from again. Her sites never again appeared in any SERP rank tracker. The End.     See more great posts online at The Internet Marketing Tabloid [...]