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Preview: The Register - Odds and Sods: Bootnotes

The Register - Bootnotes

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Copyright: Copyright 2018, Situation Publishing

Nip/Tug: Plastic surgeon accused of mid-surgery 'hardcore' smut binge

Sat, 17 Mar 2018 00:52:27 GMT

Come for the nose job, stay for the... denials of any wrongdoing

A Los Angeles plastic surgeon has been accused of watching porn videos on a screen while performing surgery.…

Cyborg fined for riding train without valid ticket

Fri, 16 Mar 2018 03:57:07 GMT

Subcutaneous smart card doesn’t cut it in Sydney

A self-described “cyborg” who slipped a public transport smartcard under his skin has pled guilty to riding trains without a valid ticket and copped a fine, plus costs.…

Boeing ships its 10,000th 737

Thu, 15 Mar 2018 08:02:14 GMT

Airlines want another 4,600 of the single-aisle workhorse that debuted in 1967

Boeing has revealed that the 10,000th 737 rolled off the production line this week.…

Millionaire-backed science fiction church to launch Scientology TV network

Mon, 12 Mar 2018 16:31:10 GMT

Sorry if this sounds a little… Xenu-phobic

The Church of Scientology, founded by sci-fi author L Ron Hubbard, is set to start broadcasting its own TV programmes tonight.…

Screw everything! French swingers campsite up for sale, owners 'tired'

Fri, 09 Mar 2018 13:35:13 GMT

Voulez-vous acheter le hotspot pour le shagging en plein air?

The "world's first 100 per cent swingers camping ground" has been put up for sale because "we are tired", its pensioner owners have said.…

Ocado to stock cannabidiol-infused water

Wed, 07 Mar 2018 16:28:07 GMT

Are you high?

For Wednesday's bollocks du jour comes news that Ocado, the UK online grocer, is to fling bottles of cannabis oil-infused spring water at gullible thirsty customers.…

Suspected drug dealer who refused to poo for 46 DAYS released... on bail

Wed, 07 Mar 2018 14:51:15 GMT

Still on bunger strike

A suspected drug dealer's bowels have won out over Essex cops after he was released from custody by resisting the urge to poo for 46 days.…

Paul Allen's research vessel finds wreck of WWII US aircraft carrier

Tue, 06 Mar 2018 14:16:10 GMT

USS Lexington discovered 500 miles off Australia

Pics Billionaire Microsoftie Paul Allen has found yet another sunken warship – an amazingly well-preserved Second World War US aircraft carrier.…

Apple's new 'spaceship' HQ brings the pane for unobservant workers

Tue, 06 Mar 2018 13:11:05 GMT

911 transcripts tell of staff lying on ground, heads bleeding

Apple's $5bn Norman Foster-designed "spaceship" HQ isn't finished yet, but it's already taking out puny humans.…

Hey girl, move a little closer. 'Cause you're too gun shy. Hush, hush, bye says Pai

Fri, 02 Mar 2018 21:22:58 GMT

FCC boss turns down showpiece rifle gong

Ajit Pai, the boss of America's communications watchdog, the FCC, says he won't be picking the collectable rifle awarded to him by the NRA as a prize for killing net neutrality.…

OK, who is shooting Apple staff buses in California? Knock it off

Fri, 02 Mar 2018 21:15:57 GMT

CHiPs deploy bait bus to catch Silicon Valley sniper

Over the past 45 days, a mystery sniper has been shooting the windows of 20 charter buses driving Apple staff and other geeks to work in Silicon Valley.…

Britain ignores booze guidelines – heads for the pub

Fri, 02 Mar 2018 15:04:10 GMT

No safe limit? Yerjokinarentyer?

A University of Sheffield study has found that controversial new alcohol guidelines published in 2016 had no discernible effect on British drinking habits.…

Fancy owning a two-seat Second World War Messerschmitt fighter?

Fri, 02 Mar 2018 10:32:43 GMT

Up for auction, rare Spanish copy flown by both British and German aces

A super-rare Spanish copy of the Messerschmitt Me109 fighter of Second World War infamy, which was flown by both British and German aces, has gone up for auction.…

Oh honey! Oxfordshire abuzz with reports of a MEEELLION bees stolen

Thu, 01 Mar 2018 12:58:04 GMT

Thames Valley Police a hive of activity after the a-pollen crime

The cops have been called in to investigate a major bee heist after 40 hives were reported stolen from an Oxfordshire farm.…

Star Paws: Attack of the clones

Wed, 28 Feb 2018 14:04:11 GMT

The Streisand effect: Diva double-duplicates dead dog

In the ultimate barking mad diva act, Barbra Streisand has revealed she cloned her beloved dead dog Samantha, creating two more replicant canines.…

Chilly willies: Swedish nudie nightclub opens in -11°C to disgust of locals

Tue, 27 Feb 2018 16:51:13 GMT

Branded 'a breeding ground for depression and broken souls'

A nightclub that spiritually stimulates dance zealots to peel off their clothes and shake their booty was branded a "breeding ground for broken souls" by a totally different sort of radical.…

Neil Young slams Google, after you log in to read his rant with Google or Facebook

Tue, 27 Feb 2018 07:01:09 GMT

Heart Of Gold meets Piece Of Crap

Musician Neil Young has spent years railing against the poor quality of digital audio.…

NRA gives FCC boss Ajit Pai a gun as reward for killing net neutrality. Yeah, an actual gun

Sat, 24 Feb 2018 00:32:41 GMT

Decorum isn't even visible in the rear-view mirror at this point

Ajit Pai – chairman of America's broadband watchdog, the FCC – is the proud new owner of a handmade Kentucky long gun from the US National Rifle Association (NRA) – thanks to his brave stance in favor of lining the pockets of billion-dollar telcos.…

Billionaire's Babylon beach ban battle barrels toward Supreme Court

Fri, 23 Feb 2018 21:18:08 GMT

Sun cofounder Khosla continues fight to keep surfers off public pleasure spot

Analysis Billionaire venture capitalist Vinod Khosla is taking his legal battle to control access to a piece of California coastline to the US Supreme Court.…

Vatican sets up dedicated exorcism training course

Fri, 23 Feb 2018 13:31:10 GMT

Church supports priests' professional development plans

The Vatican cannot be accused of lack of interest in the continued professional development of its staff. Just look at the dedicated exorcism training course it set out this week for clergy interested in advancing their skills.…

A dog DNA database? You must be barking

Thu, 22 Feb 2018 16:55:07 GMT

Thousands of livestock attacks give police paws for thought

Police have revealed plans to take the lead on tracking down hounds that attack livestock - a dog DNA database.…

This job Win-blows! Microsoft made me pull '75-hour weeks' in a shopping mall kiosk

Wed, 21 Feb 2018 06:05:09 GMT

Booth manager claims she was stiffed on overtime, Redmond denies any wrongoing

A former Microsoft retail manager is suing the software giant for making her work long hours without overtime and breaks.…

Japan's Robo-Bartenders point to a golden future

Tue, 20 Feb 2018 13:02:14 GMT

Tired travellers floored by perfectly poured pints

Not content with wowing the world with the posterior polishing wizardry of their electronic toilet seats, the Japanese have turned their attention to that other first world problem: pouring of the perfect pint.…

Farts away! Plane makes unscheduled stop after man won't stop guffing

Mon, 19 Feb 2018 10:53:33 GMT

Flatulence takes the wind out of budget Dutch airline's wings

An elderly man's flatulence forced his flight to make an emergency stop after a fight broke out over his barrage of bottom burps.…

HomePod, you say? Sex sex sex, that's all you think about

Fri, 16 Feb 2018 10:05:08 GMT

Apple suggests wiping your ROD and oiling your ring

Something for the Weekend, Sir? My wife has a hairy tongue.…

Iran: We have defeated evil nuclear-sensing Western lizards!

Thu, 15 Feb 2018 11:55:10 GMT

It's not David Icke, it's Ayatollah Khamenei's former top general

Iran has gone full David Icke and accused lizards that "attract atomic waves" of spying for the West.…

Aching bad: 'Kingpin Granny' nicked in huge prescription drugs bust

Wed, 14 Feb 2018 16:33:22 GMT

Raid on 75-year-old's home yields over a thousand pills

Silver surfers are known to rattle from the numerous pills foisted on them by doctors as their health fails, but one Tennessee veteran stands accused of possessing drugs with an altogether different purpose.…

You dopes! US state's pot dealer database pwned after security goes up in smoke

Fri, 09 Feb 2018 22:29:07 GMT

Don't mean to harsh your buzz: Hackers weed out access hole

The US state of Washington says a miscreant was able to access the system it uses to track the manufacturing and sale of marijuana.…

No sh*t, Sherlock! Bloke suspected of swallowing drug stash keeps colon schtum for 22 DAYS

Fri, 09 Feb 2018 22:06:53 GMT

Cops frustrated by lack of movement in the case

A suspected drug dealer accused of swallowing his stash has become internet famous – after refusing to take a dump, and thus provide the cops their evidence, for 22 DAYS and counting.…

Remember the Yorkie pizza horror? Here's who won our exclusive Reg merch...

Fri, 09 Feb 2018 12:31:08 GMT

Top suggestion: eat the thing!

Giveaway The winner of our “what would you do with a terrible Morrisons Yorkshire Pudding Pizza concoction” competition can, at long last, be announced to Reg readers of the Great British Public and beyond.…

Home taping revisited: A mic in each hand, pointing at speakers

Fri, 09 Feb 2018 10:06:36 GMT

A blinga, a blanga, a bippety bop, I'm going down to the record shop YEAH!

Something for the Weekend, Sir? I once tried to do it standing on one leg, arms pressed against the wall for stability.…

It's been 50 years since those damn dirty apes took the planet by storm

Fri, 09 Feb 2018 09:03:11 GMT

And somehow the goofball sci-fi franchise is still going strong

On a cold, dry evening of February 9, 1968, cinemagoers at New York's venerable Capitol Theatre were the first members of the public to be taken to a new but worryingly familiar world.…

Game of Thrones showrunners to make Star Wars flicks

Fri, 09 Feb 2018 08:31:14 GMT

David Benioff and D.B. Weiss will write and produce series set in bits of the Lucasverse

Game of Thrones fans hoping that showrunners David Benioff and D.B. Weiss might spend more time in Westeros will have to visit a galaxy far, far away instead after Disney signed the pair for a series of Star Wars flicks.…

No yolking matter: Google Translate cock-up gives Norwegians more than un œuf eggs

Fri, 09 Feb 2018 06:11:13 GMT

Chefs scramble after mistake turns 1,500 into 15,000

A group of Norwegian chefs blames Google Translate after the applications improperly ordered 1500 eggs to 15.000.…

Electronic Frontier Foundation chap John Perry Barlow has died

Thu, 08 Feb 2018 13:46:04 GMT

Cyberlibertarian and Grateful Dead lyricist passes away at 70

Obit John Perry Barlow, a co-founder of the US Electronic Frontier Foundation, and also a lyricist for the Grateful Dead, has died aged 70.…

ASA tells Poundland and its teabagging elf: Enough with the smutty social ninja sh*t

Wed, 07 Feb 2018 14:21:09 GMT

The 1970s called, they want their double entendres back

The UK's gummy-mouthed Advertising Standards Agency has given Poundland a gentle spank over a series of smutty tweets and posts on Facebook published over the Xmas period.…

Basket case lawsuit: Fancy fruit florists flail Google over rotten ads, demand $200m damages

Wed, 07 Feb 2018 06:08:11 GMT

Search results serve our rivals, not our produce, biz complains

Google is being sued for more than $200m (£143m) by makers of fruit bouquets – because the web giant unfairly prioritized competitors' wares over their arty produce in search results, allegedly.…

Dori-no! PepsiCo boss says biz is planning to sell lady crisps

Mon, 05 Feb 2018 17:32:11 GMT

Because girls don't like to lick their fingers or drink the crumbs

Poll The boss of PepsiCo – the parent company of Doritos – has suggested women need their own lady crisps, apparently so they can keep their mouths quiet and their fingers clean.…

A tiny Ohio village turned itself into a $3m speed-cam trap. Now it has to pay back the fines

Fri, 02 Feb 2018 22:37:35 GMT

Claim of 'sovereign immunity' laughed out of court

A tiny village in America has been ordered to pay back more than $3m in speeding fines it collected from motorists – after its claims of "sovereign immunity" were laughed out of court.…

Morrisons launches bizarre Yorkshire Pudding pizza thing

Fri, 02 Feb 2018 14:18:10 GMT

Would you eat it? Tell us why and you could win some Reg merch

Giveaway Brit supermarket chain Morrisons has sacked 1,500 middle managers – but fear not, they’ve also vomited out an unholy creation that is part pizza, part Yorkshire pudding.…

Are you taking the peacock? United Airlines deny flight to 'emotional support' bird

Wed, 31 Jan 2018 12:36:05 GMT

Angry bird: Artist's idea fails to take off

An artist was left spitting feathers after United Airlines told her she couldn't board a plane with her "emotional support" peacock.…

Borked bog forces flight carrying 83 plumbers to bug out back to base

Tue, 30 Jan 2018 13:45:05 GMT

The Morissette meter! It's off the scale!

A Norwegian airline flight carrying scores of plumbers was forced to make an unplanned break because of a persistent problem with the onboard water closet.…

Tsk-tsk, fat cat Softcat: Milk-slurping reseller taken to court

Tue, 30 Jan 2018 10:09:38 GMT

£830m listed firm eventually settled its unpaid moo juice bill

London Stock Exchange-listed tech box-shifter Softcat was taken to courts by a Leeds newsagent after the £832m turnover company failed to settle its milk bill.…

Timeout everyone. Y'all know that Musk's $500 'flamethrower' is literally a Boring blowtorch?

Mon, 29 Jan 2018 23:32:57 GMT

A flame shower not a grower

You've got to hand it to Elon Musk – the guy could sell pork pies at a rabbinical convention.…

RIP Ursula K Le Guin: The wizard of Earthsea

Thu, 25 Jan 2018 10:06:08 GMT

Dragon lady who told us our true names dies aged 88

Obit Beloved dragon-tale spinning author Ursula K Le Guin has died. The novelist, probably best known for the thoughtful 1974 "anarcho-utopian" tale The Dispossessed, spent a lifetime exploring themes around revolutionary societies, individualism, anarchism and, of course, dragons. She was 88.…

Brit escorts: Without the internet to keep us safe, we'd be totally screwed

Thu, 25 Jan 2018 06:04:10 GMT

Dodgy punters blacklisted on National Ugly Mugs database

A study into the effect of the internet on professional sex workers has shown the online world keeps them safer, happier in their job, and more able to weed out creepy customers.…

Pope wants journalism like the Catholic church wants child sex abuse probes: Slow, aimless...

Wed, 24 Jan 2018 21:33:36 GMT

Easy with those exclusives and unfortunate facts, hacks

Take it easy with those hard-hitting exclusives and investigations, said the Pope this week, lumping inconvenient quality journalism with fake news and clickbait.…

Camels disqualified from Saudi beauty contest for Botox-enhanced pouts

Wed, 24 Jan 2018 13:22:13 GMT

My humps, my humps, my humps, my lovely camel humps

Twelve cheating camels have been disqualified from a Saudi beauty pageant for having Botox injections to enhance their pouts.…

'There was no monetary incentive for this' = not what you want to hear about your tattoo

Tue, 23 Jan 2018 15:35:11 GMT

Database admin updates body art

A database admin liked Brit database tools biz Redgate Software so much that he decided to become a walking billboard and get the company logo tattooed on his arm. Fast forward nine years and his world imploded. Sort of.…

Playboy is suing Boing Boing over Imgur centrefold link

Mon, 22 Jan 2018 18:02:04 GMT

Court has been asked to toss out 'mystifying' sueball

Iconic lads' mag Playboy is suing oddball internet culture website Boing Boing for linking to an Imgur archive featuring scans of centrefold models from over the years – a move described by the US Electronic Frontier Foundation as "frankly mystifying".…