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Tamashii No Rufuran

Because I'm scared sometimes

Last Build Date: Tue, 06 Mar 2018 19:51:03 +0000


Thu, 27 Mar 2003 14:37:00 +0000

And they lived happily ever after

Well it's official, this is the end of the journal. Why? because in reality i have moved to a better location where i can actually keep certain entries private. So if your reading this then i suggest you contact me if you want the new location of my journal. The entries that i have posted here will stay up, i was debating if i should take them down, but the hell with it. Sure there are private moments, but if i don't know they know then i don't really care.

This isn't necessarly a happily ever after, just a fond farewell. I look back and page through some old memories and think, "I'm a fucking psycho". Mainly because i wrote those specific 4 words. Truly i think about how many times i was running way to hot with some emotion that i wouldn't show a crack of, to anyone i know. Maybe they knew, maybe they didn't, either way, thank god for this journal. Time to close up this sucker, no point in lagging around.

See you around,

The One and Only,

Sat, 15 Feb 2003 16:02:00 +0000

The Never Ending Story

How come the Never Ending Story has like 4 installments? Personally i'd feel jiped if went into the theater to see a "Never Ending Story" and then to leave because it ended. Wow i'm turdlicker today! and it's only 10 am where i am.

I've started to get into shape again. I busted out my climbing shoes and hit the walls twice this week. I managed to get enough time in to make me moblie enough to get to school, but sore enough that putting on coats and stretching is a wincing pain. I missed that feeling. I finally got to use my shoes! I mean aside from the whole irony of buying my shoes, then ending up in the hospital without getting a chance to hit the wall, i'm not bitter.

This entry into my weblog is very summerical, I noticed the minute i started writing it. I honestly don't have any starteling revelations, i've been too damned busy for that. Aside from hurting myself physically, i've also been beaten like a dog at school. There is so much i had to do in the past week. I mean, i had 2 midterms and 2 assignments due. It genuinely feels like school is out to kill me and take my money in the process.

The housemates of mine are cool. G is a little out of touch with things. For some reason, when ever he's free, he says "I want to do something!" but of course i'm innundated with work so i can't do crap. I thought i had an empathy problem, but G doesn't seem to understand that he's a fricken genius and his not studying is a 70% which is what i get. And he spits in the kitchen sink. But i assume this is what living with roomates is about. I mean it's nothing horrible, because i know people who have horrible roommates, personally i think i lucked out.

Alyssa thinks i'm a fucking psycho, but not the homcial kind. Well, it's true, but i can't have any one thinking that! But seriously, she's cool. She a little wired tho. I mean, everything i do or G does makes her think about something personally wrong with herself or insulted. What a funny house i live in. G apathic, Alyssa empathic. Me well let's just stick with pathetic.

I've got so much work to do, it's not fucking funny. I can't wait until summer, when i might get the chance to see a friend. I've got to start actively looking for a job. I want a job so fucking far away from waterloo. I mean i came to waterloo to leave it. I was hoping co-op would be a great portal to the world. Instead it's just a portal to hell. I'm nothing but a paradox.

Happy Valentines day! I find that everyone who celebrates it is usually love struck, those that don't are usually bitter. Me i abstained from valentines, i just enjoyed watching people whine and bitch or sighed and exhaled. Kinda funny how labeling a date with a specific theme gets everyone's panties in a gitch. You know how long it took me personally get over my own teenage angest. I've still got some of it left, but by count like 5 years. We all care about personal relationships, but during those hormonal years it's really funny. Personally i think that people have batteries complexes. They are all horomoanal until they just don't have the strength to care anymore. And you know what, i think i've stopped caring. Not the point of complete apathy, but to the point where i'm not a love struck idiot.

It's either that or i manged to hide it very well. (i've just totally negating any sort of sense i've even tried to make, bah! this is my weblog, :P )

Fun Factor of 5 and counting!

Sun, 09 Feb 2003 04:40:00 +0000

Self Awareness

Figured out something about myself. This one is quite out there and very chicken and egg like. And because i'm a CS student, it's fun to diddle around with infinite loops. I have become aware that i'm self aware...

Whoa! think about it for a sec. I'm aware of all my bad habits, i make myself aware of these bad habits in the vain hope of changing. That is trivial, but i just made myself aware that i'm aware. But who made the one aware that i'm aware. The clarity of that statement is ringing in my head. The answer, though infinitely recursive or chicken and the egg like, is simple. I made myself aware.

Everything Zen,

Sat, 08 Feb 2003 07:02:00 +0000

Digging a hole

Let it be said that i have freaked out over the fact that i'm not freaking out over midterms and assignment. Yes, indeed i have managed to draw fear and anger from the fact that i did not draw fear and anger from not completeing assigments or preparing for mass examinations. It is clear that i'm digging a hole that i'm about to lie in.

Had another shitty chemical day. The days where you can find nothing wrong with day, it's just that you are in the foulest of moods. Coincidentally, it also occured on a test day which made it even more of a shitty chemical day. Speaking on the subject of foulest, i also managed to seat right next to the foulest smelling man in the room. My faculty has a reputation for not being the most fragrently smelling of people but for fucks sake take a shower, consult a doctor and in the worse case scenario, wear one of those little car freshners that are shaped like trees. When a man smells as bad as that, i really question the amount of intellect and focus he/she has. You maybe able to solve class np hard problems, but if the concept of shower doesn't dawn on you, you're an idiot.

Well this seems to be a reoccuring thing with me but i think i'll share a little bit about my dreams. It is rare that i awake from a dream happy. Usually i awake from a dream confused. A couple days ago that was no different. I scare myself all to often with the odd thoughts i have when i'm awake. I damn near piss myself at the thoughts of my dreams. In all my dreams i incorperate elements of reality. Then i also have a sense of conciousness in the dream. I mean like i have a sense of self and sometimes i realize that i'm in a dream. The problem in sandland lies in the mixing of the two elements. When i'm dreaming it's like i'm trasported to another relm (cheezy description) and this other place is familiar but different. I'll recognize some people or objects in my dreams but physics of that reality are completely different. It really is confusing and that scares me awake some nights.

I fly alot in dreams, or drift or float. It's a common theme, which i used to have much more control over. Lately that seems to be slipping. Imagine a ledge, and then thinking, i'm in a dream, i can do whatever i want so i'll float over there. This was how it started, now it's like i get flung to the ledge. The last thing i remember is a dark tunnel. First fear kicks in, then i realize this is a dream. I get a sense of fear and forboding. How timely because my body freezes up and i fall down. As i lay on my back, things start getting screwy. I'm constantly trying to focus to "abort" the dream, but it's no good, i'm too frigtened. Then i start to float, slowly at first, then i speed up. I'm constatnly speeding up as i'm trying to break myself free. I go faster and faster. I feel the G forces on my body and they are already painful. The light on the other end seems to be getting brighter and brighter. I scream out and finally break free. I awake in a cold sweat, confused.

I have a feeling where i'm going isn't going to be sunshine and lollipops

Fri, 24 Jan 2003 03:08:00 +0000

Chapped hands

My hands are growing quite chapped, especially my knuckles. The long cold winter is probably the cause. Then again it might be the working my hands to the bone, not that i have much to get to the bone. (For those who don't know, i've got ugly long and boney fingers for which are purely orinamental) All i can think about are my dads hands. They are so chapped and caliused. They were very strange to the touch, like you could only feel the outer shell. They are in most ways the opposite of mine. My are unusually delicate and soft and my father's are thick skinned and very tough. *chuckles* i'm starting the path to being my dad. My family used (and still) makes fun of me. "Mike you have the hands of a women! never worked a day in your life" I guess they were right. I'll never know hard work like my dad knows.

It's one of my short commings i think, i don't work hard enough. As we speak, i'm avoiding math work, my reason is that my heart is too restless for math. People always say that you can tell a man's character by his hands. My dad has character, I have, well woman hands. Not very impressive. I wish i had more character.

On another note, i'm depressed yet again. School is starting to get to me. I'm doing my best but one of my roomates who doesn't have school keeps me from work. I mean i should stay this weekend, but he is really bored and keeps bothering me. I don't mind so much, but he's bored and what do i expect him to do? The real source of my depression is school. I'm barely keeping up and not having fun. University in a technical program is really hell all years. I mean i love computers still, but the work load is burning me out quick. Plus the people in our house had a very dispairing conversation about why one guy and by association, me is single. Then today one roommate had her period which is fine, but she was losing it. Which means it's been a depressing house. My god, we are three steps away from dawson's creek except the people aren't teenage heartthrobs. I just want this term to end and it's fucking week 3 of TOO MANY. I really need to talk to someone.

I bet i could sleep away this depression, but unfornationately work prevents me. Back to the gallaies, because this ships isn't going to row itself.

Whips and chains, school is just their latest model.

Wed, 08 Jan 2003 20:38:00 +0000

Secret blog

If you've read this blog from beginning to hell to now, then you must know that this is a blog of secrecy that has no lock. People i know, in theory, should have no knowledge of this, but herein lies the problem. I live with my friends now. While it is nice, privacy is luxury. I have no beef with my roomates because i know them or have known them for quite a while. The whole problem lies because i'm trying to write in a secret journal and if someone walks in and says "whatcha doin?" then i'm essentially screwed. "Porn! lots of hardcore porn! that's what i'm doing! Yummy! ooh gimme more of that stuff i like!" is probably the on spot reply you'd get from me.

It's not that much of a problem, it's just a big fat security hole... Case and Point, roommate just walked in...

So what shall i do? well weblog on! Until i know i'm discovered, i guess this will be my home. Knowing that certain eyes are watching me, i will move on to the preverbial greener pastures.

School is a very draining thing. All energy just seems to be drawn out by school. Which generally leaves me feeling really tired, and easily annoyed. Today i got covered in mud. I was ticked off. I was making my long long walk home from a long day of classes, the longest of the week, when some inconsiderate dick in a car races by a large puddle of water. The result is me covered in muddle snow water and it took every fiber of my being not to run up to that car and start cussing like there is no tomorrow. I really didn't need that last kick in the pants, but apparently somebody thought i surely deserved it. In retrospect, i should have cussed the crap out of the driver in the car. I'm going to take a shower now. If you hear muffled swearing that would be me. To the driver of the car, Mr/Ms Driver, get cancer because you're an insenstive fuck.

Malicious and malcontent is something i seem to exceed in, must be all the practice,

Sat, 04 Jan 2003 03:50:00 +0000

Twas the night before

Waterloo. Yeah it's the night before i head back to school. It's a strange feeling. Everytime i go back to the blasted place, it's a different feeling. The first time was excitement, the 2nd time it was drive. This time, it is a null mood. the 2nd time was the most interesting because i had my marks slaughtered in the first, so i came back with the resolve to better myself.

I did pick up some better study habits, but all that just went down the toilet when my lung collapsed. I mean that my marks dropped after the lung incident, but just back to what they were in the first semester. Which is sort of a piss and a bitch, but i try and look at it under a positive spin. If i didn't study my ass off during the year, then i'd be a dead man. Kinda like the ant that stores food away for the winter. Unfortunately i'm not a positive spinner.

Life only knows one type of punch, the sucker punch.

I'm rested and i feel great now. All i have to do is draw up some of that unbreakable determination and self betterment and i will rock this year. It's really hard to draw up that fighting spirit when all my efforts get drained away in a moment that i remember so clearly. Fuck, nothing sucks like being winded by a sucker punch.

I suppose this mood is sort of expected, i mean after all the effect of moving eventually just dissappears. I don't know what to expect, but i do know that this year isn't going to as forgiving as last. Then again, every year is more unforgiving then the next. I have to meet the next year with my guard up and fists flying. It's just fucking hard to get psyched up about something that you are quite sure will eat you for an appetitizer and your fatter classmate for lunch.

On the otherside of things, i seem to be having problems contacting Miss Chan. Yes, it is all so clear, the stupid-factor in my brain is rising once again. The ever elusive Christina Chan is no where to be found. I still have her christmas gift, and i'm such a lamer and i haven't found her to give it to her yet. 2 reasons why i can't give it to her yet. 1. She never picks up her cell phone therefore never letting me schedule a time for giving said gift. 2. For some strange reason, my shit is sigificantly scared out of me and into my pants by her. Why? i dunno but that's the way it works, i'm terribly frightened of girls i like. It is strange isn't it? That infatuatation is a derivation of fear for me. I've kinda got some sort of determination to see her before i go, we will see how this pans out and how i choke like always.

Christina! where are you!?!?!?!

i'm kidding, i'm not crazy, well not in THAT way. I'm ready for school now. I can't wait to jump deeply into low level code and texts about virtual memory! hurrah!

Rock on London, Rock over America!

Wed, 01 Jan 2003 09:09:00 +0000

Grammer Nazi

I can't believe i'm going to say this, but i need a grammer nazi in my life. Someone to nit pick everything i say so i will have perfect english. I took some time to re-read some of my posts, and they are soo bad. I am literally making no sense. 4 year olds have more control of the english language than i do! It's so sad

Happy New Year, i'm so cool i'm posting on new years! I didn't get smashed out of my mind this year, i took the classy way out. I'm too tired to post, but i felt it was very vital to announce my need for a grammer nazi. The position is open, please apply within.

Incohearent, is I am !!!

Wed, 25 Dec 2002 22:57:00 +0000

Crap Control

I must learn to control the flow of crap on this weblog. It seems to me that my writing has been WAY below par. I think i'm suffering from incohesive-itits. Where it is a REAL medicial condition where you don't make any sense. The last 2 entries are total crap! I need to install a control in my brain that forces the body to stop putting out crap. Or the control could release a mild electric shock everytime i put out shit, there by either stopping me from writing or at least not fill the internet with more crap.

Yes I think the mild electric shock is the way to go. If you need me i'll be on my way to the hospital. If only such a device existed, then we could curb alot of human idiotcies. Ie the whole asian avenue thing. Ha ha i slay myself.

I'm still quite content on how i am right now. Must be because i'm free of my tyrannical boss. (who i will say is an ass for the record) But its most likely because i'm on vacation now. I really needed this one. What scares me is my lack of endurace when compared to my parents. My parents are so hardworking it makes me feel so ashamed. I wish i was strong like them.

But enough wishy washy wants! It's christmas and i'm having a nice and quiet day. I almost ate a bag of pistashios by myself today. Which is sick, but ever so delicious. I guess i better start resolving to do new things next year. For some reason, probably due to my unannounced euphoria, the mundane doesn't seem so, well mundane.

Happyness might be fleeting, but i enjoy every moment i'm giving and every moment i take,

Wed, 25 Dec 2002 04:53:00 +0000

Cosmic Girl

I like myself today, and I like my life. One of those rare occasions

Merry Christmas Journal! This is your first christmas, And you've got two readers. Congrats your already exceeding expectations.

I spent the last three days snowboarding and i banged up my knees pretty badly. But in a good way! I feel like i'm alive, which is rare because i don't feel it much.

I'm going to keep this entry short, because i'm too busy enjoying life. So this time my absences is a good thing. But before i go. I want to give my friends and family my unlimited thanks and blessings because they have been so good to me. Things have changed this year and i owe it to everyone i know.

I can't wait to see Hero the movie!

Feeling good, feeling Great,

Fri, 13 Dec 2002 01:47:00 +0000

Getting in the mood

Now as many sexual remarks you can make about my title, this time it's truly asexual. I'm about to hit my work report and i need to get in the writing mood. Well i'm already in th mood, but i've just got to get my flow on.

My last post was me just blowing off steam, But my boss is still a jackass. He's bascially ripping off students because we have to get a job for co-op. If you miss three work terms, then your outta the program! Happen to a co-worker's friend. No wonder waterloo has such a good reputation, because those who don't cut it are weeded out of the system.

I always question every aspect of myself. Things like what if i was materialistic and shallow? would i be happy because it's so easy to please those kinds of people? What if i was less of a jerk? Would people like me more and not be afraid to approach me?

Well i'm definiately a jerk. You see because a pair of bible thumpers came to my door. Two Johova's witnesses, one lady about the age of 40 and a kid younger than me. She was obviously training the kid to take over her job. You see i am a jackass because instead of just turning them away at first sight, i actually invited them in. Let her do her spiel about how we all need to go out and spread the word of the lord. Then i proceed to do my thing. I agrue with her. A solid hour plus later, she is quite disappointed that she could not get through to me, but not only that i had made a fool of her in from of her apprentice. Not once in the agurement did i concide ground.

Normal people turn them away. Normal people are nice. What i did was bad, because i basically said to them, "gimme your best shot! i'm immune to your jibba jabba!" Not only that "Your apprenice will be mine one day as well". Now if that's not evil i don't know what is? But at least they were out of the cold for awhile.

I wish i had God's respect

Well that quite the warm up. Ready to rock that work report

I'm not Normal People, I'm not nice,

Wed, 11 Dec 2002 05:43:00 +0000

My boss is a jackass

My boss is a jackass. Please note the time between this post and the last post. His name is Iqbal and he should have his vocal cords severed for the sake of humanity, At least my humanity. This man never shuts the hell up. At the begining of the year, all he could talk about was. How exciting this project was and constantly asking if i was excited as him. Of course i was excited, and i really didn't care, i got to program. He wasn't paying me and i was doing dirty work.

Then i noticed something, he didn't want me to do programming. He hired to do programming, but slowly mirgrated me to be the company art monkey. It would have been faster, but i mangaed to resist. Only now am i completely art monkey. I only have 9 days left. Also when i do art, it's not my art, it's who ever is telling to what to do's art. So bascially i'm a monkey smart enough to push the buttons.(but dumb enough not to be paid) Once he made me put out an ad, which is me and another co-worker totally advised against because it looked like ass. I really had nothing to work with that time. I secretly hoped the ad would fail. I think it did.

Once i return his credit card, and i sat there for a 2 hour lecture on nothing. I remember i twitched everytime he said excited.

I'm not alone either, everyone, paid and unpaid gets this feeling. In fact every time we talk to the man about the web dev project, he always adds on new functionality and asks us to pull flowers out of our ass. Some how we manage to do it, but at the expense of not completeing the project on time.

I'm not a quick to anger person, hell i'm as thick skinned as they get. But this man is a JERK with a capital J. Work sucks because my boss is a jerk. I feel so used because he is so damned ungrateful

The Mat King ( Fiber content: 100% unkown fibers reminants),

Wed, 11 Dec 2002 04:07:00 +0000

Work sucks

and i feel like a bag of salt. i seems this grey vibe that i feel has been a lingering one. Since my last post, i really haven't felt stellar. Yes my friend Syl has offered me nothing but the best in mental help (ie her shoulder) which i do not dispute the theaputic value, but for some reason, i just can't take it. Call me idiotic, call me prideful, just ... i don't know but, .... just

The question that is in my head is how do i know what a bag of salt feels like and why am i so sure that i'm currently feeling like a bag of salt. Either way i proclaim me an expert on the inner psyche of the bags of salt.

Moving away from the bag of salt banter, i noticed a general growth in me. When i was younger i had problems expressing my feelings. At first it was because i don't think i had any. Then i couldn't express my feelings because i lacked a vocab. Now i've got the vocb, i got the feelings, i just got more feelings. New ones, ones that no one has seemed to have described to me. I'll call these new feelings "quizziemoto" and i can't quite define it yet, but maybe some day.

I think i'm stressed, because my body is aching for no reason. Work is being a fucking bitch. Why? Well let me first inform you of my situation.

I work 9 hours a day 5 days a week. I get paid 0 dollars an hour, which is way below the poverty line. Kids in banlagdesh get paided more than i do. The boss has this crazy idea in his head that we waterloo students think his crappy little medical testing company think that his work is an exciting opportunity. So exciting that he can hire 6 people not pay them and expect them to be overjoyous because we get to work. This job is fucking hell if you ask me. I program, well i did program, i do art work, i churn out ads and labels. Ugly little fuckers

Maybe my muscles do have a reasons for aching and i'm stressing for a reason. oh well 9 more days left of work. I question if i would return to work if he paid me. Even at 10 dollars an hour, this job looks like hell (paritally because of the boss). Scraping gunk off deep fryers don't sound so bad any more. Ooh i think i've got a real topic to write about now. Apathy gone! Anger in! I like anger, because anger gets me places.

The Mat King,

Fri, 29 Nov 2002 03:30:00 +0000

Utterly speechless

I don't know what to say. I want to express things in my heart but i'm left without words. It is a very frustrating thing to say the least ( because i really can't say any more). Forgive me for the lack of properly expressed feelings in this entry, it looks like today is going to be very rough.

I go through a swing of wide range of emotions. I go from apathy to apathy in 10 seconds. I get depressed and then apathic. I don't seem to be very happy very often. I don't what it is about me, and why i'm so fucked up right now. This thought in my head has been in there since morning but i've manage to avoid thinking until now.


Everything is all scattered and screwed up, but it's not. I don't know what's going on with me but i'm struggling with struggling. I can't focus and i'm itchy. Very Very itchy. When i am all unfocused, i get itchy. I scratch until i bleed and i try not to scratch but i can't fight the urges.

I have no love interest in my life, which is all the worse because i wish i did. I dunno why, but i feel like i'm missing something deep down. It's like i'm only a piece of my own puzzle. Now i seem like i'm spazing out, but if you were here right now, you'd see i'm just sitting like rock.

That's all i fucking do. Sit there like rock. When i'm sad, when i'm happy, when i feel beyond me, when i'm apathtice even. I'm really starting to hate my range of expression. Always droppy eyed and frowning. Some times i wish i were dead.

This is a passing feeling, like all everything else in my life.
I'm so fractured right now i don't even know what is going on.
As you can see i'm trying to type almost stream of coniousness style and it's quite split everywhere.
I can't relax and feel all tense for no apparent reason.
I hate days like these, they make me tired and restless at the same time

fuck! my computer is in the shop and my sister rooms smells like crap. Way too much perfume. I wish i didn't have work tomorrow! then i could get drunk by myself and fall asleep by myself.
So itchy!

I don't know what to feel anymore these days.

My sister doesn't understand reality and i know she's just escaping it. She knows she's a mooch and refusese to get a job. SHe sleep all day and goes out all weekends. My family didn't raise her to be like this. Maybe we didn't raiser her enough. I used to never fully understand my mother's point of view, but seem to now. She claims that mother spazs too much and is going though menopause. I think deep down think that my mother is right most of the time and that my sister is a very inconsiderate jerk of a person. She doesn't understand responsiblity. My sister follows the ignorance is bliss philosophy. She's very good at blocking out all that's unpleasent in her life. So as a result, she makes a mess that other people have to clean up. True i'm 2 years older than her, but that's not much. She needs a reality check.

I need a life.

Still bloody itchy and my keyboard is stale. I hate stale keyboards. So difficult to press the shift key. I may not look like it, but i'm a fucking mess today.


Sun, 17 Nov 2002 02:53:00 +0000

The Rentals

Being at a rental store is a very strange expenerience. I mean it's not Porn Clerk Diary but it is very strange none the less. First of all i live in a suburban neighbourhood. Not just a suburban neighbourhood, The Suburban Neighbourhood. This place gets all movie like on a regular basis. The closest thing to a domenestic disturbance is when you don't pass the peas. Ok i may have fudged a little on the last part, but you get my drift.

When i was in the store, i was doing what i was doing, looking for movies. Then i noticed something, people in the store are really concentrating. Everyone is quite focused on the task at hand. I mean people here are more focused then people are usually at work. Why? i don't know. Either way i was pissed because i wanted to watch star wars, and all they had was thumb wars. Who the hell would rent thumb wars? (a star wars spoof, done completely with thumbs as opposed to humans) Who the hell would produce such utter crap anyways? After seeing that kinda crap on the sheves, i makes me wonder why i don't have a movie out yet. Did you ever notice that when you are at home completely and utterly bored, you have a giant list of movies you have to see in your lifetime. I mean i know Tricia has a list. I have a mental one. But the minute you go the a store, it's like they removed all the movies you wanted to see. Either way i walked out of the store empty handed. The Rentals, do me no justice.

Oh oh! You know what i haven't done in a long time? Pine over a girl that i will never have! yeah yeah i haven't done that in a long time. Well i'm personally stunned with latest devolopments. Since nobody reads this site ( thank the heavenly lord) Her name is Christina Chan. I have neglected to mention her name for the longest time. I don't know why, fear probably, but i did it on purpose. Well she is part trekie. This blows my fucking mind out of the gutter. If you were to currently ask me what my type is. I would cooly answer. "1/4 japaneses, 3/4 chinese, partial trekie, outdoorsie, likes reading, artistic and 5'9" Oh look i already know someone like that, i'm in luck.

Oh god she's a trekie

It's a shame the rentals were a bust, i would have looked forward to watching a movie with my parents. I haven't done that in along time. I keep having these heart2hearts with my parents. We spend 10 mins talking about personal issues and feelings. It's great, i like know how my parents feel. It is also quite possible that i'm growing up. My family is very closed like most traditional familys. Every member bares his or her own pains. But i'm different, i'm not the traditional son, I like go around bareing everyone else's pain. My parents are really worried about my sister because she lacks the direction i have.


Thu, 07 Nov 2002 14:04:00 +0000


No matter where i am, all i see are rolling hills with tall grass blowing in the wind. A sky so blue that you could lose yourself in it. All this and there just happens to be one tree. Old but not sick, just sitting there looking lonely. So lonely that i must spend time with that tree, read, dreaming and just sitting there doing nothing but staring into the deep blue sky and watching the rolling hills. *sigh* somedays


Sun, 27 Oct 2002 13:58:00 +0000

What i want

I think i should begin a list of, Tah-Da, what i want. The theory (yeah i make up theories for myself because i'm a methodical loser) behind it is that if i make up a list of things, it will help me focus on my goals. So here goes

What i want! <- (note the exclamation, i should be shouting this off a mountain and jumping off it)
- A girl cool enough to want to watch Punch Drunk Love with.
*open dialogue*
Idiot Attack: What?!?! I thought we went through this? You want a girlfriend?
Idiot Defense: No no! you've got it all wrong! All i said was someone cool enough to watch a movie with
Idiot Attack: No you said a girl, which exlcudes 50% of the planet
Idiot Defense: Big deal, so i have a gender preference
Idiot Attack: So you want a female friend? Girl + Friend = ???
Idiot Defense: Girlfriend...
Idiot Attack: Bingo Descarte! Congrates you're a fricken genius
Idiot Defense: Look i just wanna watch that god damned movie, P.T. Anderson made Magnolia, We both loved Mag, remember how mind blowing it was?
Idiot Attack: Yeah it was a great movie, set the bar too high for movies to follow it
Idiot Defense: So you want to see it?
Idiot Attack: yes...
Idiot Defense: I know! Let's not go see the movie alone, heck! let's go see it with a friend of the female pursuation in a non-relationship context.
Idiot Attack: Fuck mike! your such a jackass. You still want a girlfriend, i can read you like pop-up book.
Idiot Defense: Hey you would know, we are two sides of the same God damned coin.
Both: Jerk
*end dialogue*

I'd also like a new hard drive
Idiot Nerd: ah ha! Now your talking...

Sweet Holy Hell,

Mon, 14 Oct 2002 01:46:00 +0000

Don't poke the bear

My sister has this odd little quirk. She has this teddy bear and is quite obessed about it. It's like she is 6 years old again. She talks to the bear and gives it a place in the dinner table. It's really weird. 45% of the time i see her holding it. So today at dinner she put the bear down in it's usual seat at the dinner table. She leaves the table and then i decided to "move" the bear. So i moved the bear. The bear wasn't really hidden, just misplaced. So when she came back, she completely freaked out. She was yelling at me and swearing. She threatened my life mulitiple times. Of course i give her clues to where it was. She finds it, but is still steaming mad. Why? all over the bear. My sister is nuts. Word of Advice, Don't poke the bear.

I'm bored, social life save me please! I'm about ready to anything with almost anybody. Go clubbing? sure why not! Go to the moon? Let's go! Go to a dominatrix? Umm sorry my schedule is all booked up, call me a week from now.

Poke, Poke Poke,

Fri, 11 Oct 2002 03:25:00 +0000


I was going to write something about how i'm impatient. Actually i wrote out some huge post, but then i deleted it all. It just made sense to, because the minute i typed out the words "love life" I was so disgusted, i deleted everything.

Something isn't right when i type those two words. I thought i was impatient with 'it', but i realized that i'm not. I'm quite paitent, it's just that i'm starting to doubt things. I think i need to talk to somebody, but i've single handedly aliened anybody worth talking to. I did one of my depressive moments, and she thought it was about her, when it really wasn't. Well anyways i've got work tomorrow. I think i'll call somebody.

By the way i saw the strokes in concert last night.

Null Mood,

Mon, 07 Oct 2002 03:25:00 +0000


Just in now, a new picture frame

Now i just have to fill it with something

Shine Again,

Mon, 07 Oct 2002 02:17:00 +0000

Any Given Saturday

Yesterday I woke up. Funny it's how i always begin my stories. Well one day i woke up ... or Suddenly i awoke. *chuckle* funny it seems like everyday if i get up, then something will happen to me. Well, by the time i woke up that day, the a small piece of it had passed already. I didn't care, i didn't have anything to do that day. I wasn't looking to do anything either. I think i needed quiet time for myself. No saddness, just reflective. But i wasn't doing that either. I was in a very dream like state. All i could do was stare outside of my windows with unwavering eyes. It was almost trance like but more tranquil. My glazed eyes were only for the clouds that day. I must have spent an hour or two watch the winds push the clouds accross the sky. They seems to glide so effortlessly. When it seemed like the sky had run low on clouds that day, i had something suddenly jump into my head. It wasn't a sense of loneliness, but a very reassuring thought. The thought that i won't be lonely forever. And when i'm no longer lonely, moments like these will be even more golden and worth cherishing than ever. Moments where you wake up and you don't need to get out of bed right away, moments where you and and your loved one can just be still for a moment and live with your head in the clouds.

Then i manged to mouth out these words. "Even if my heart shall stop, it will always flow with love"

Later that day, life was fine, but another thought popped into my head. This one not as pleasent as the earlier one. It's something i tried to push out of my head, but i couldn't. Syl, I'm worried about her. She's a good friend and i suddenly recieved a sudden sense of worry and dispair. I hope she's alright and i'm just worried for nothing. I'm going to email her, that's going to make me feel better. heh, i feel like a mother of sorts.

Did i tell you once? that i had gone off to university. It was the middle of the first week. I was busy with frosh, and my mother was cutting up vegtables for dinner. Then she stopped. It had suddenly kicked in. "Oh my god, my son is in university! What am i doing?" When she told me that, i was started to laugh on the reason that i didn't understand and i thought she was insane. It's clear that i'm the insane one now. heh. it's the small ironic twists in life that get you to chuckle. In my opinion we all don't chuckle enough. The world doesn't need laughter, just chuckles.

I feet at peace, something i don't get much, but i should always remember when i have my darker days. I said something else that day. "The sun won't always shine, but it will shine again." I feel like the hallmark card machine. Sappy, sentimental and such. I kinda like it, i need more of it.

Enough from me. I've got an email to write.


Wed, 02 Oct 2002 01:30:00 +0000

Tamashii the big fat loser part 2

Looks like there is no end in sight. My loserish ways have the best of me. Another thing i find i tend to do is that i never feel that anything less than 95% my effort is accomplished by me. So if i have a job. I do more than 95% then that means i did it by myself. If let's say you were my partner and did 25%, i didn't do it by myself.

Even if i accomplish objective that i might have set out, i seem to lose scope of any accomplishments. Why? i don't know. If i really thing about it. I've come a damn long way from where i was. I'm 20, i'm one of a handle full of people in my family to have even have the chance at secondary education. I've been better than my parents at most forms of acadamia since grade 9. I've done more crazy things (ie rafting climbing and other incrimiating activities) than anybody in my family. I have quite possibly the coolest and craziest friends anybody could ask for. Quite frankly i've got everything to live for.

Now with all that patting myself on the back done, why do i get so depressed? why do i lose sight of everything the minute i become emotionally overwhelmed? Thank god i'm in a better mood now and i can see these weird things i tend to do. It's odd, i tend to treat myself like a computer program and i go around debugging myself. Now that sounds quite lame but it's true. See bad habit. Squash bug. Yet another reason that i am tamashii the big fat loser.

Ooh that reminds me, i've got to start evening out my moods on this journal. It's always sad, sad, sad, Fucking Happy, and then sad. I need more humor in my journal. I need to post stupid stuff in here, just like i do on my other site. That way i don't divide my personallities and end up a schizo. This place used to be my dark corner i hide in, my blanket i cry in. Not anymore! This is still my safe haven, my fortress of solitude but i shall also house my other feelings. Expressions of joy, Quips of sarcasm and Yes this will still be my home for my damned depressing nature. "everything in moderation, even moderation" (Note: here you can see my debugging myself again and making up rules and such)

Yours Truly,

Tamashii a bigger fatter loser by now

Tue, 01 Oct 2002 02:17:00 +0000

Tamashii the big fat loser Ok i'm not really fat. In fact I'm quite far away from that but i am such a loser. You see i realized that i will never win. Win as in be sucessful or have my life they way i want it. It's just too hard. You see i am a loser because i create imaginary rules in my head. Ethics, codes boundries and unhuman philosophies. What makes me a loser is because i'm bound by them. Let me give a far out example to better illustrate my postion. Ok let's say i had the menial task of buying milk from the store. Simple for most people. Go out and get in your car and buy the damn milk. For me i start drawing imaginnary lines and binding myself with some kinda dogma making menial tasks not so menial. Ok for me to buy milk in that imaginary world, i couldn't use a car because a car pollutes. Amd then i have to go to a specific store half way across town because they sell the best milk and for some reason i must think that other stores sell rat's milk. Now getting a bag of milk is now one hell of a chore. My real life is not so exaggerated but the example point out things i tend to do. I'm bounded by my beliefs, I want the best and I make up rules with rational reasons behind them. If most people lived a day in my life, they would be tired by the end of the day. I'm starting to think my life will get really ridiculous soon. Ok here is a more solid example. I have vowed to leave no hate in my heart. Why? hate breeds violence and leads me down the path of rage. So no more rage for me by keeping my old ticker free of hate. I have a Ex-girlfriend. For the most part i should hate her, she messed up my head good. But i can't hate her, why? new law in tamashii's land. I have also vowed that when i say "I love you" i mean it and i mean it forever. No ifs ands or buts. That word is now sacred territory. The love law also takes into effect for old promises. So now I not only can't hate my ex-gf, i must also love her. Now that's pretty fucking complicated. I can't hate what i should and i must also love what normally i should hate. Wordy? indeed. Many people would think i'm insane by drawing such complicated lines in my mind. Wait, since we have 1 and 2, there must be a 3 to make my life even more difficult. Ok a solution to the 2 rules above is to get back to with the ex and live happly ever after. That way i can satistfy 1 and 2. Unfortunatly heart's rule number 3 states that i must move forward and see new things and fall in love some more. So i cannot hate her, i must love her, but i can't get close to her again because i must move forward. It seems pretty simple now doesn't it? The only solution is to run off to some tropical island and start anew or just remain here and stand with all the goddamn willpower i've got. I think by the time i die i will have willpower that could bend steel into pretzels. But that's just a tip of the iceburg because i've got a whole slew of other rules of the heart. Things like one girl at one time. Not just in a relationship, but i must like her and nobody else. If i'm like some girl then i cannot enter into a relationship with someone else. Yeah my life will be exponentally complicated as more women enter my life. I think i'll just end up choking on my own words eventually. So why am i a big fat loser? it's because with all these rules i'll never ever suceed and i'll just end up losing all the time. I'm starting to think that life isn't hard, i am. Did i mention that my currently lov[...]

Thu, 19 Sep 2002 04:34:00 +0000

This is why I'm such a depressive ape Conclusion

Ok so you know another big chunk in my subconcious life. I put alot of stock in it for a reason, because it's nice, and very wishful. Now i'm sure that i'm unsucessful of courting said women. She gave some gentle story about a girl and a waterloo "engineer" and how they have a relationship and how she doesn't want to like the couple. She also dropped a couple of hints saying that unless she's fallover flat on her face in love, she's not going to be with a guy. Well i shall concide now and stop chasing her. She is my Amy, you know, the one from chasing amy. The girl who got away and broke your heart. It's something that's not ment to be and i should not force it. Well it was nice when it lasted. Well today i realized that it's only a dream. Nothing concrete and solid. Just a (nice) figment of your imagination. I also know now that it's ok to dream and take it with a grain of salt. Big deal so destiny isn't a romantic as it used to be.

I'm quite content with this conclusion. So now once again! i'm semi free from the shackles of any self made opposite sex problems!

Did you know that the Surreal Art exhibit in the AGO is not surreal enough for me?

For Real? Surreal? No Appeal.

Thu, 19 Sep 2002 04:19:00 +0000

This is why i'm such a depressive ape It's because i always recall the bad times. But today i'm good, i'm quite content with myself. So i've decided that in order to stop my lovely cycle of self destruction. I've decided to make this a happy post. I need to write down more self revelations because i figure i should just draw on them in times of need. If i can dwell in depression, why not dwell in happiness. FUCK YEA So why am i so content. I'll tell you why, first i didn't wake up scared for my sanity. Believe me, it makes a big difference in your day. Today i woke up whenever the hell i wanted. Sat around and this thought came to me. It's just a dream. Freud's theories have been all disproven, and i shouldn't rely so heavly on dream interpreation. So that begins to calm my nerves on the recent events. Keep that thought in mind while i trounce on over to some different territory. I talk to my ex-girlfriend a couple of days ago. Now i know what some are thinking? "Mike! What are you doing??" Trust me i'm doing the right thing. You see i had an urge, one that i haven't felt for a long time. I missed her. Hey gimme a break, She was my first (and currently last) girlfriend i've had. The golden rule is that you never forget your first. In theory, i should hate her. For reasons that ened the relationship. But she was a friend 1st so i didn't want to totally leave. Yeah i felt quite good talking to her. Reminded me of old times, good times. Guilt free good times. I quite enjoy the nonsense we talk about. It's not deep and spirtual or mind blowing like other people i talk to, but i enjoy it. I mean for god sakes i'm 20 and i'm too damn serious about finding meaning and self worth. I need to love and laugh without 2nd thought. And that's what i'm doing and need to remember to do. Love and Laugh She going to kill me when she reads that my conversation is not deeping and mind blowing. Ok now back to the dream thing. It's just a dream and that's all it is. Yeah i'm violent, but not a murdering psycho. At least not yet. The subconcious is a very confusing place, but i don't think i would have it any other way. Ok another dream story, one very lucid and revelling experience. I cherish this dream dearly. Ok i walk into an building complex. the outside seems very bright and possibly hot. But the building offers nothing but relief. I enter the elevator, and hit the button. Now the elevator begins to rise. The decor in the building and elevator was quite old. Looked like the building shared it's days with the 1950's and then barely kept to code. Even the elevator readout was just numbers and a clock hand. Funny thing is that the elevator stopped between 12 and 14. There was no 13th floor. Probably superstitious reasons. I felt like i was in a wierd place. Maybe i didn't notice it from before but i did now. I also realized that i didn't have a destination. Before my fears took grip, the doors opened. Elevators doors that is. It was bright out, like outside. Blindingly bright. Shielding my eyes with my forearm, i tried to look out. My eyes must have adjusted at that point or the odd lighting was dimming, because i saw a corridor with a person at the end. No not a person, an angel. She glided towards me and entered the elevator. Her skin didn't dim, she remained bright, like she was emitting light. i could sort of make out her visage, but there is no other word than beautiful. My heart sank. [...]