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Using proprietary temporal networking technology to offer a newsfeed from the future.

Published: Sun, 16 Dec 2007 00:00:01 EST

Copyright: copyright 2000-2004, hamlet monkeys media

Paris Hilton Rendered to Offshore Blackshop
May 5, 2016
NEW YORK--Spokespeople for famed Manhattan socialite Paris Hilton report that the three-time heiress was rendered Thursday to an undisclosed, offshore shopping haven known as a "blackshop." "It was an ambush...we were overwhelmed instantly," admitted Fred Luchia, Hilton's tearful head of security. "I'd say six, maybe seven well-trained guys, dressed in black Prada, head to foot, balaclavas [...]. She was zipped up in a Gucci body bag and gone before we knew what happened."

Precinct Collapse Disorder Plagues Coastal Communities
December 9, 2029
MAR VERDE--Like residents in many coastal counties in this affluent area of northern California, local store-owner Dwight Henrikson was surprised to discover Thursday morning that the local sheriff's office had been inexplicably abandoned. "I got a call yesterday to come down to the station to give a witness statement," observes Henrikson, "but when I got here, nobody was around. The lights were on, the doors were opened, coffee was brewing, but the place was empty. It was eerie."

Cancer Causes Cancer, CDC Concludes
March 2, 2019
ATLANTA--The Centers for Disease Control announced Wednesday the results of a decade-long "meta-study" of more than 75 years' worth of medical and scientific cancer research, concluding that "the hypothesis best supported by extant research is that the soundest predictor of whether a patient will have developed cancer is whether the patient has developed cancer." "The most striking finding of the study is not that cancer causes cancer," explains Dr. Betty Rind of the CDC's special task force, "but that cancer doesn't always cause cancer. It's a key factor--probably the key factor, but it's not decisive."

Google Body: Users Find Asses with Both Hands
August 18, 2022
MOUNTAIN VIEW--Information search giant Google, Inc. announced Thursday the release of Google Body, a search service aiming to index the internal and external anatomy of every living creature on the planet. "Google has long been dedicated to making information both useful and universally accessible," notes Google VP of Product Development Eric Hind. "We're happy now to extend search to information about human bodies, mine and yours, inside and out, from the number of follicles on my head to the length of the President's toenails."