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Preview: Gizmo's (Non)sense

Gizmo's (Non)sense

Shameless sharing of funny, totally bizarre and strange personal experiences. Prepare to loose all respect for me.

Updated: 2014-10-07T01:11:47.414+01:00


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An unusual question.....


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This one is short, but definitely sweet, and for those who had come to believe that my days of disaster were over, you were wrong....

In the company where I work there is a canteen were everyone congregates for coffee and chats at 4pm. Its always a light hearted affair with topics ranging from Global warming to a hamster with two heads in a lab in Mongolia.

On one particular day in the not too distant past, okay, yesterday, a fellow co-worker whom for the sake of convenience we shall call Henrietta, walked into the canteen to grab a coffee and sit down. I was already sitted at the table, relaxing, and after Henrietta had got her coffee she sat down on the other side of the table from me.

Henrietta as it happens is about six months pregnant, and as she sat down I casually began to ask her a question about the pregnancy, in front of everyone, which was okay, as it was not meant to be a strange question - Before I go any further, those whom know me, will know that I have the knack of getting key words mixed up at the worst possible moments. I had intended to ask her:
"Hey, Henrietta, you got any strange cravings?".
It may not seem obvious how I could possibly get this one wrong, but I did. What in fact passed my lips was:

"Hey, Henrietta, you got any strange fetishes?"

Immediately as soon as I said it, I knew I had something incorrect, but i could not figure out what it was. I stared at the ceiling for a moment pondering what I had said. Suddenly it dawned on me and feeling horrified I brought my eyes from the ceiling to Henrietta, whom looked shocked to say the least.

At this point I promptly wet myself, metaphorically of course, and thankfully Henrietta did too, also metaphorically I hasten to add....

Back from the Brink and into the Clink...


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Well it seems life is playing a joke on me, a permanent one.
Why do I say this? I say this because as soon as I retired this blog, everything wacky started to happen again. I have thus deduced that in order to protect my health, I must start to write again, in the hope that my life will return to normal. Fat chance.

A couple of weeks ago my wife and I were on a train, coming home from a day out in the city. We sat at the far end of a carriage facing each other, beside a window with a view over the sea. This all sounds nice so far, but matters were soon to take a turn towards the bizarre highway.
The day in question was quite warm and there were a number of wasps about, which I might add that my wife is utterly terrified of. During our trip on the train a wasp started buzzing between us and also induced terror in my wife. Since we were at the end of a carriage, most people were too far away from us to see the wasp, and only saw this terrified woman sitting opposite her husband.

What happened next was not exactly helpful.

In my infinite wisdom I decided to slap the wasp into the window. The wasp was positioned halfway between us, touching against the glass. I raised my right palm and slammed the wasp into the window. As many of you know I can be a little over eager sometimes, so the thud of me hitting the window was not what is commonly refereed to as quiet...

That may all seem fine and dandy, until I tell you that the other passengers who had not seen the wasp thought I had just assaulted my wife!!
Immediately other passengers confronted us about what had just happened, and if it were not for my wife explaining the terror of the wasp, I might not be writing this from this side of the clink!



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Well, its a sad sad day.

I have decided to retire this blog, for what I hope are the right reasons. You see I'm not having as many bizarre situations occur these days, perhaps sense is creeping in somewhere, or perhaps a guardian angel has me as a permanent assignment?
I could add various little stories, like the one involving a full bladder in the back of a car, a soda bottle, a nun and a traffic packed road, but I dont wish to dilute the quality of the blog like I did the Soda....

I have another more serious blog now where I write about various technology related subjects, on so feel free to drop by and have a look.

I will not be deleting this blog, and if at some stage in the future my guardian angel dies in a tragic blimp accident, I'll bring this blog back to life, but for now, its a little bit of history........

Almost too bad to blog


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(image) Well not even I believe this one, I think I must have spent the last year in some sort of dream state, meaning that this blog and everyone of you reading it are not real. So if you would all be kind enough to pinch yourselves and save me the hassle that would be great!
Last week my wife and I were in a large local department store. As usual she was browsing all manner of skirts, tops, shoes, scarfs, bedding, coats, trousers and the occasional spatula.
As you might imagine, I reluctantly pried myself away from this ‘browsing’ and started to wander around the store. I looked at the occasional item, such as the credit card swiss army knife, but thought better of it, as I get myself into enough trouble without weaponry. Eventually I found my way to the mens shoe rack. Now I’m not one to boast but finding shoes that fit me is somewhat of a rarity, and when I found not one pair but no pairs that I could even get a foot into, I was not remotely surprised.
At this stage I began to get a little tired and began to search for my better half. I got up from the bench where I had been trying on shoes and slung my laptop bag over my shoulder, with one strap over my right shoulder and the other hanging loose. Take note of that, its actually important!
I started to look around the store for my wife and caught sight of her examining a multitude of trousers. She evidently had not yet moved on to spatulas. I began to make my way toward her and after about ten strides noticed a tugging from behind. Immediately I adjusted the laptop bag I was carrying as I just assumed it was the strap sitting awkwardly on my shoulder. Having done that I continued walking and after another ten or so strides I started to feel the tugging again. This time I turned around to try and see what it was.

What I saw next horrified me as I actually thought I was going to get into serious trouble, the kind of trouble where you only get to see your family from the other side of some very large bars!

The item doing the tugging that I had been noticing was in fact a pram. It seems that on my journey across the store, the loose strap on my laptop bag had snagged the handle bars, and you guessed it, this pram had a baby included. It seems I had inadvertently towed this little one across the store away from its mother, a mother that was now heading toward me with great speed and phenomenal determination!
In my panic I yelled “I’m Sorry, I didn't mean to” but before the sentence had left my mouth she grabbed the pram and made an expression that made me feel like she was about to pummel me. I honestly think that she was about to call security but thankfully I managed to explain to her that that I had accidently towed her baby away with the loose strap on my laptop bag. Thankfully she seemed to accept this, but she still departed my presence quite rapidly!

On a finishing note there is one good thing I can take from this story:

I’m glad I didn’t try and go downstairs.

Father, Son and Holy.....


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(image) This one is not so much about what I did, but what I observed and my reaction to such.

The year was about 1993 and I was at a harvest service in my local church. I was there with my mother and my brother. We were sitting right at the front of the church, thus ensuring a prime view of what was about to occur. I always had a reputation for been prone to giggles in a church setting, but nothing could have prepared me for what was going to happen in this sleepy little church over the next hour.....

A Franciscan monk was the visiting preacher at the service. Typical to the stereotype the monk was in his eighties, wearing the usual brown gown with the hood and the white rope around the large waistline. About thirty minutes into the service came the time for the sermon. The monk, we’ll call him Ambrose for the purposes of this story, slowly made his way toward the pulpit and slowly ascended the steep spiral staircase towards the top. Once there Ambrose settled himself into position and began to preach.
Thirteen years on I don’t remember the content of the sermon, but I do remember the finish, it was an ending that no sermon has or ever will match...

As Ambrose came to the end of his sermon he concluded in the usual manner by saying a brief prayer and then he began to cross himself like this:

“In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy”

He was about to say “Spirit” but as he was about to utter the final word he took a step back in his preparation to descend the spiral staircase. It turned out to be quite a step back, as the next sight that graced my vision was that of an eighty year old monk backward somersaulting down a spiral staircase. The speed at which he descended and the noise which accompanied was unprecedented in the history of preaching. After what seem like an age to my fascinated eyes he pounded to the floor at the bottom of the staircase and with the thud I completely and utterly lost control of myself. While everyone else was rushing to check his pulse I was in fits laughing, so much so I was struggling to even breath.
I know its terrible but I could not help myself. I was promptly sent out of the church by my mother to calm myself down, even though she was having difficulty avoiding loosing control herself!

Thankfully there is a good ending to all of this, in that Ambrose fully recovered from his acrobatics. I'm sure by now he may well have departed this earth, but hopefully not in such a spectacular manner!

I honestly don’t know how anyone can say church is boring.....

Sometimes your watch beeps and its God


This post and all others have been moved to this sites new home on www.peterneill.euCombine the following concepts:Accident Prone, Bishop's son, Woman Priest, Bishop, Dad, Ordination, Star Trek, Alarms, Formal Church Service.Ladies and Gentleman, What can possibly go wrong?The year was 1996 and a good friend of mine, a woman called Paula was about to be ordained. My dad was the Bishop of the diocese, and as such he was the one who was going to ordain her.Anyway, as you can imagine, an ordination is quite a formal occasion. Everyone is there wearing their Sunday best and relations gather from near and far. Paula had very kindly asked me to take part in the service. This meant that I had to wear one of those fancy garments, but also to hold the HUGE book that dad was reading from while he had his hands on her head whilst praying for her during the actual ordination ceremony.Now for a bit of back ground. Many of you know that I am a bit of a Star Trek geek and that during the 90's Sky 1 used to broadcast it every day at 5pm. Well since I was such a big fan I never wanted to miss an episode and as such had a rather funky watch with support for two separate alarms. Been the geek that I was, one was set daily for 4.55pm and the other for 4.57 pm, just in case I was mid-fight with my brother and missed the alarm.Before the service all went well at first, there was the usual hymns and prayers before we got to the ordination and I was sitting quietly to myself waiting for my part.I would ask you to remember as well at this point that the church in which this was happening was a biggish church with high ceilings which meant any small sound was amplified ten times by the architecture.Sure enough my part came along and I was signaled to come to the front of the church while Paula knelt on a cushion in front of my father who was going to lay hands on her head and pray for her. I made my way, quite scared I must point out, to the front and received a HUGE prayer book. It was way too large to hold with one arm and when held by my two arms and leant against my chest, felt like it was pushing my teeth into the back of my skull.Once I got comfortable my dad began the ceremony and read off several prayers from the book I was holding in front of him. Things were going along nicely and I remember dad getting to the point where he asked Paula a question in part of the ceremony. It was something along the lines of: "Do you Paula promise to help bring others to faith........" Paula went to answer the question and suddenly BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP. The 4.55pm Star Trek Alarm!! I tried desperately to stop it while dad tried to continue on. I could not believe just how loud my little casio managed to be in these surroundings. To my frustration, there was simply no way I could stop it. I needed to use one hand to click the watch button, but while holding this huge book, it just was not possible. I could not put it down either as a) there was nowhere to put it and b) Dad was reading the ceremony from it.After what seemed like an eternity (30 seconds) the beeping stopped and I breathed a sigh of relief and dad continued on with the ceremony.Suddenly however I was horror stricken! In 90 seconds the alarm was going to go off AGAIN!! At 4.57!!! I tried to catch my dad's eye to tell him to hurry it up, but to no avail, his eyes were focused sharply on the book. Sweat began to run down my forehead and I was sure the pages were going to get stuck together. The seconds were counting down and I knew I did not have much time left. I knew there was nothing I could do, there was simply no way for me to stop my watch. I looked around helplessly, but to no avail.Suddenly I thought my luck was changing, for a moment I thought I was saved, Dad was finishing up. You can always tell, the tone changes towards the end of a prayer. He was just[...]

The Apple of Death


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(image) I don't know why I am even bothering to write this, as not one of you is going to believe it. Maybe its for personal therapy or maybe I think that someone else who has done this terrible deed may need to hear that they are not alone..... Actually they are alone, because its me and no one else could possibly have done this.

This ones short, but, as they say, Quality, not Quantity.....

I remember it was a long journey on a hot day on the way to camp site in mid July. Mum and dad always passed fruit back to my brothers and I , as usually the longer we spent eating, the less time we had to fight in the back of the car. Anyway, one day my dear mother passed me an Apple.

As you might expect I munched through it and once I ate the exterior I now had a manky apple core in my hand. I decided the best way to deal with said core was to throw it out the window. Now bear in mind that we are traveling down a large European road, most likely doing sixty anyway.
I rolled down the window and with one quick lunge launched it toward the side of the road. As I lunged I had a moment of panic as I realised that a pedestrian was in the approximate path as far as I could see.
Just how much in the path soon became terrifyingly real as I witnessed the apple core smash into their nose at approx sixty miles an hour relative speed.
I am going to be honest here and say I don't remember exactly what happened next. I am not even sure I ever admitted it to my parents......The one thing I do know is that I always eat the apple core now, and in writing this article , I think I have just realised why........

Operation Sample Return


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(image) There are some situations that are so simple that nothing could possibly go wrong. Many would think the following situation is such. Many are wrong.

The year was 1998 and I was just about to start a new job with a financial services company in Dublin, Ireland. One of the perks of this new job was excellent health cover. Those of you whom follow this blog, will know that such 'perks' are a necessity for yours truly. In order to avail of this health cover all new staff members were subjected to a very vigorous medical examination, where no stone was left unturned, if you catch my drift……

The examination was to take place in the doctors office on the top floor of an old georgian building in Dublin. On my entrance to the building I was coincidentally greeted by the doctor and brought straight upstairs, skipping the usual reception registration process.

Surprisingly there were no surprises during the examination itself. Looking back on it, it seems like the situation itself was luring me into a false sense of confidence, confidence that this was all going to go off without a hitch.

After the examination itself was over, and after I had regained my respectability I was handled a sample jar and asked to go to the bathroom and produce a urine sample. This seemed like a simple task, and it was. I went to the bathroom, very readily provided an ample sample (no rhyme intended). I had been requested to drop off the sample at reception on my way out of the building. So with this in mind, I descended the stairs to make my way down three levels to the ground floor. Now this was a building that had offices for several companies apart from the doctor I was visiting, this is a fact I now wish I had paid more attention to.
Once I got to the ground floor and set about looking for the reception desk. Still not having realised that several companies were in this building and not having had to register on the way in, I went straight for the first reception desk I saw, straight through the door in front of me after I descended the stairs.

Upon entry to the office I went to the desk, at which a young woman aged about 25 was sitting. I immediately, and quite awkwardly placed my clear jar of urine down on the desk in front of her and said "this is for you I believe – my name is Peter Neill". I immediately saw a look of confusion on her face, she then picked up the jar and started to scrutinise it. Not too impressed I was about to step back and leave when she started to open the jar to have a sniff. I immediately copped on that she did not realise what it was, and I yelled "Don't, its my urine!!!". The girl promptly screamed, slammed the cap back on the jar, banged it onto the table and ran to the sink in the kitchenette to wash her hands.
After a few seconds she returned and angrily asked me "Why are you giving me your wee, thats disgusting?!"

I replied "The doctor told me to give you my sample on the way out!"

Her reply, one that left me stunned was :

" This is a solicitors office!!! The doctors reception is across the hall! "

The Accidents Strike Back


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Things have been quiet recently. Then Saturday happened...

Myself and my wife (yes someone married me!) had our first wedding anniversary on Saturday last.
(image) After having a lovely dinner out we went back to the hotel in which we were staying and made our way to the lifts at the back of the lobby. On the way to the lifts we went through some large double swing doors and at the same time I saw a waitress walking behind us carrying a very large tray, with about seven glasses and three bottles on it.
Naturally, after I went through I held my half of the swing doors open for the waitress. I assumed my wife was going to do the same, and it appeared that way but as the waitress was walking through the door she let here half spring back on the waitress. Thankfully the waitress was alert and put out her foot to stop the door. However I did not see this and immediately lunged forwards to try and grab the door.

I think you can see where this is going.

In my desperate lunge I managed to actually punch her tray. In fact punch is not strong enough a word, I attacked her tray. A second later there was smashed glass everywhere, every single glass and all of the bottles but one were on the floor, utterly smashed. I stared at this sight in awe, only to then look up and see a completely soaked waitress in front of me. She was totally drenched in Beer, Coke, Wine and Water. I did not know what to say, and to say she looked unhappy is somewhat of an understatement! I just about managed to get the word "Sorry" past my lips when she ran off to get some towels after giving me a glare to end all glares. And this point my wife and I looked at each other, and decided a quick exit was necessary, and dashed off to our room, leaving yet another disaster scene behind us....

Blog Awards!!


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As many of you know I have made it to the final short list for the Irish Blog Awards (, in the Most Humorous Post Category!!
The post that was nominated was "Don’t turn it off!!" & the awards are on the 11th of March in Dublin.
Sadly I cannot attend, but a very well known Irish comedian who is a friend of mine is going to represent me at the awards. His picture is below:

(image) The First person to name him will win.........nothing, will not receive anything, will not benefit in any way whatsoever, probably not even receive an email from me, but you'll know you got there first...possibly........
Post your answers as comments to this post!!!

Think before you speak....


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This little accident is one of the verbal kind. Needless to say the effect can be devastating in its own special way.
The year was 1998 and I was living with my parents in an Irish city called Kilkenny. My father at the time was the Bishop of the diocese covering that area.

One evening in the winter of that year my parents had to go out to some function or other, I don't remember what it was, but more than likely it was a service of some kind. During this time I was sat at home watching the television flicking through the channels, enjoying the novelty of having more than six to choose from!
However my channel surfing was short lived as shortly after my parents left the phone rang.
I ran to answer the phone, picked it up and said:

"Hello, See House, Peter Speaking" ('See' been the fancy name for a Bishop's residence)

"Hello, I wish to speak to the Bishop, is he available?"

"I'm afraid not, he is out this evening"

"That's Okay, Can you tell him that the Mayor rang, that's the Mayor of Kilkenny, spelt M.A.Y.O.R"

Taken aback by this spelling lesson I all too quickly engaged my lips before I could engage anything else! :

"Well! If its M.A.R.E you're a mighty intelligent horse!"

Too say this was met with a silence is something of an understatement. Thankfully after what seemed like ten seconds of silence (but was probably four), the Mayor responded:

"We'll I'm sure I'm not, just tell him that I called.....Goodbye!"

For anyone reading this who is for some bizarre reason considering hiring me for a public relations job....DON'T!

Accidental Assassination......almost!


This post and all others have been moved to this sites new home on www.peterneill.euThis latest entry doubles up as the nearest I have yet come to creating a world wide diplomatic incident, my closest yet to starting a war, while at the same time becoming an Icon to many and an enemy to even more. This one is bad.The year was 1995 and I was on work experience on a chat show on national TV. My work experience stint was only a brief one, but more than enough time to have a disaster!On one particular episode on which I was working, Salmun Rushdie was a guest and was been interviewed by the host about his book "The Satanic Verses". As many of you know this book is hated by many of those who follow the Islamic faith and has lead to many threats and attempts on the life of Salmun Rushdie.Anyway during the interview, the host signalled for a commercial break as one of the lights above the set was flickering.Now fixing this light was going to be a tricky operation, one that would involve going hand and knee along a large girder in order to get to the light to turn it off. What would make this operation all the more daring was that since it required someone to crawl right above the heads of the host and Salmun Rushie, it would have to be completed before the advert break was over due to the noise level of someone above and the possible danger of them falling on top of those been interviewed below!Can you see where this is going?As you have probably guessed, yours truly was asked to crawl along this girder to fix this light and get back in three minutes.What the person who asked me did not know was that :a) I cannot deal with heightsb) I made strange things happen, albeit usually to myselfHowever, in order to not sound unwilling I accepted the task and climbed a ladder up to a metal walkway and psyched myself to begin my crawl.I knew the clock was ticking and I had to be quick, I got on my hands and knees and shakily started my crossing. For the first few feet I moved very very slowly and then when I heard a two minute warning, I speeded myself up. Thankfully I managed to get to the light, across the remaining ten or so feet within about 25 seconds and was quite proud of myself that I had not yet panicked.Now at the light I set about my task, a simple one, I just had to reach around the light and flick an off switch. The heat up there was astonishing and I found myself sweating terribly, which was made worse at the sweat was landing on the girder, just making it slippy. However I did not let this stop me and I reached around the light and turned it off. Achieved. Next thing I hear is another guy on the work experience with me shouting up to me that I had only 45 seconds to get back. I tried to turn around to make my way back but I panicked. Not only with this added pressure was I now getting seriously freaked by the height I was at, but the surface of the girder was wet with my sweat, and seriously slippy.In a lunge I managed to turn around without slipping, but once I had I completely froze, I could not move an inch.To make matters worse I had begged the other lad doing work experience (whom we will call Joe) not to tell the floor manager that I was still up there on the girder, as I was embarrassed and afraid I would get told off. Unfortunately he conceded and instead watched the whole process unfold.As soon as I froze Joe tried to get me to move, telling me that I would be fine and that I just needed to come back slowly. This started to work and I could feel myself calming slightly, until.....A shout went around the studio: "10 seconds everybody, 10 seconds till live".I completely froze again, I knew I could not make it back in time and with this pressure I totally and utterly locked up, I could barel[...]

One more pair of trousers


This post and all others have been moved to this sites new home on www.peterneill.euBelieve it or not there is one more tale of woe involving my trousers. This is actually my worst yet, and in many ways the most spectacular. No single incident has involved so many people with such catastrophic results. Here begins the lesson. The Date: Friday 6th of June 1997 Location: My Bedroom, Crossmolina, Mayo, Ireland.This was my last day of my last year of regular schooling. I was to start my final exams the following Monday. On this last day I decided not to bother going into school and instead was home 'studying'. Not very likely to be honest, but its what I told myself, and my parents.I filled my morning with watching TV in bed, a truly worthwhile pursuit. However this bliss was not to last much longer, for the upstairs of this large house in Mayo was filled with a roar, and a loud one at that. My mother was calling me to tell me that Sister Mary, the Principle of the convent school to which I went was on the phone for me. I quickly darted out of bed panic-stricken that I was in trouble for dossing off school, for that is really what I was doing. I got the phone and picked up the receiver. What I heard next was this:"Peter! Thank goodness we found you. You have to get into school right away, its urgent, and you must, you absolutely must wear your full uniform, Oh and by the way, Sister Fionnuala is on her way to collect you!"To which I responded:"Hello sister, I'll get dressed immediately, but I'm not sure my trousers are fit to wear"And she said:"You have to wear them, Sister Fionnuala will be with you in a minute!! Bye!"I put down the receiver and started to panic. You see the previous day in school had finished with a "Rugby Match" or really a big fight over a ball. I was probably the strongest in my year and these matches would usually involve me dragging several people up the field with them hanging on to me trying to bring me down. This as you can imagine was not good for my clothing and by the final minutes of the match my trousers had endured the following:1 X Broken Zip1 X Completely torn though behindMany many mud stains2 X ripped trouser legs1 X complete rip at the knee of the right leg.I realised I had to work fast, I yelled downstairs to my mother who came upstairs armed with sellotape and safety pins, for there was no time to sow anything. We managed to tape the rips on my right knee and on the trouser legs when the front door bell rang. SISTER FIONNUALA WAS HERE.Panic stricken I did a quick safety pin job on the backside of my trousers and jumped into them and the rest of my tattered uniform and legged it downstairs. However at this point my trouser zip was still not fixed and I decided I would have to fix it on the way with the Sister Fionnuala, a nun if you were not sure! I remember she looked shocked at my appearance when I jumped into the car and even more shocked when I started fiddling with my zip and trying to close it with three safety pins while sitting in the passenger seat of her car!(She told my mother later that she was afraid I might put it through something I shouldn’t)The school was about three miles away and as we pulled up I had finally managed to sort of close my fly and hobbled out of the car. The first thing I noticed was that the place was deserted, not a soul to be seen. I went inside the main entrance and looked around. At this point my walk had been reduced to a careful scurry, as I had to take very short strides to avoid stressing the main precarious joins in my trousers. Inside the school there was still not a soul to be seen anywhere. The next thing I hear is the intercom:"Would Peter Neill please come to the Gym Hall immedi[...]

A Totally Bizarre Coincidence


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It seems my blog has reached a new height, I got my first review and for the last few days I am getting about 250 visits a day, so why on earth does nobody ever leave a comment???

Anyway, a few days have passed and so its time to reveal my next installment to my tale of woe. This one is pretty short but the odds against it are huge, so it has to be posted.

I moved to Dublin from Kilkenny seven years ago. At this time the only person I knew in Dublin was my Comedian friend Reuben.
One evening we were driving into the city to go to the cinema or something. Along the way we pulled up at a set of traffic lights. This is where the trouble started. Sitting there waiting for the lights to go green I started to look at the cars on either side of us.
I looked to the right, nothing interesting of note, I then looked to my left and spotted the person in the next car. I immediately alerted reuben, "Hey reu, look at the blonde in the next car!".
I was puzzled by his reaction, he sat there silent, when I had been expecting him to agree instantly. What he said next shook me to the bone:

"Yep, Its my Sister"

Look before you kiss


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(image) A large part of me cannot believe I am about to post what I am writing here.
In the following paragraphs you will find out much about me and the most awkward situation I have ever got myself into.

First for the background. My Father is an Anglican Bishop. For those who are not sure, Anglican Clergy are allowed marry, so no running to the nearest tabloid please :)
Anyway a few years ago he was appointed as the new Archbishop of Dublin. Part of this process is an enthronment service at the main cathedral in the diocese. In this case it is Christ Church Cathedral, Dublin.
As you can imagine it was quite a big affair with loads of friends, family and clergy from all around the country. As well as civil and government representatives all over the place.
After the service there was much meeting and greeting taking place. I don't think I personally had ever shaken hands with so many people in my life.
During this process a series of old ladies who apparently had not seen me since I was "so high" came over to me. They were between 5 and 7 in number and of years between 300 and 500, well collectively at least!
Each of these old ladies did the common old lady thing and leant forward and gave me a peck on the cheek as they said hello. Nothing strange so far.
At the end of the onslaught of greetings another hand out stretched towards me. I in full automatic mode, outreached my hand and shook theirs in greeting. In this same graceful automated maneuver I leant forward and went in for the cheek kiss, for the kill if you will.
As I approached their cheek I noticed how crushingly hard this old ladies grip was. Never mind I thought and continued. Finally I hit the target, But not without realising that perhaps this old lady needed a shave, for her stubble was quite advanced.
As I retreated from the kiss a feeling of horror entered my mind. What if this was not an old lady, but an old man!! I continued my retreat until this character fully entered my field of view. It was not an old man.....It was in fact a Male Irish Army General!! One who was there to represent the President of Ireland, one whom was the head of the Irish Army!!!
To say he looked shocked is somewhat of an understatement. Our faces looked at each other in shock for what seemed like an eternity. Finally I decided I should say something to lighten the situation.
Those of you who know me will know that I should always say the second thing that comes in to my head, definitely not ever the first.
However the first thing made its rapid journey to my lips before I could stop it:

"Ah well, Good thing there is no soap on the ground eh?!"

I was filled with horror at what I had just said. I looked to the general to gauge his reaction. I thought he was getting angry, but he collapsed into helpless laughter. I, totally filled with relief, attempted to explain my mistake, but he just walked of in pieces laughing.

Don't think I should ever apply to the Irish army now! :)

Don't turn it off!!!


This post and all others have been moved to this sites new home on www.peterneill.euStrange as it may seem I am about to share with you yet another disaster which involves my trousers. I'm not sure what it is about me and trousers, but it always seems to end in tears. Perhaps I'd look better in a kilt? Probably not.This incident dates back to 1998 when I was an employee of a very large IT company on the North Side of Dublin. My position there was as a junior member of the IT support team. A team supporting 650 users.One day one of the other guys on the team asked me to head down to one of the Server Rooms and shutdown a particular server. It was a none critical server, so there was no issue with doing this, at least not yet...A brief amble later I arrived at my final destination, and entered the server room. It seemed more like a scene from a NASA film with huge fans and blinking lights everywhere. The Server I was to shutdown was called "Dub06". It was connected along with 5 other servers to a single Keyboard, Mouse and monitor via a switch box. I selected the corresponding button on the switch box to give me control over "Dub06". All fine there. I then told the computer to shutdown and after about two minutes I got the message saying "It is now safe to switch of your computer".Grand I thought, I reached over to the left to the front panel of "Dub06" and hit the power button. As I pressed the power button in I had a moment of horror, this machine was not "Dub06", it was in fact "Dub01". This was not good, "Dub01" was the server that housed all the files those 600 people were working on and I was about to turn this off in the middle of what they were doing!.Those of you in the know will remember that in the late nineties the power switch on a computer did not turn it off until after you released your finger from the button, ie. When it clicked back out after you pressing it in.Thankfully I realised before I let go of the button that if I continued to hold the button in the machine would not turn off. At this point I breathed a little sight of relief, albeit too soon, as I thought "All I need to do now is call the IT department and tell them to get everyone to close what they are working on, thus allowing me to restart this machine safely.I looked to my right, to where I expected to find a phone. All I found instead was a phone minus a handset, and no speaker phone option. "Grand" I thought, "I'll just use my mobile". Wrong again, I took out my mobile and because the server room was located in the basement, no signal whatsoever!!I now started to panic. I was standing in a server room, unable to move with my finger and arm starting to ache while holding this button down. There was no one else with me, and unlikely to be anyone else coming and if I let my finger off the button I loose my job.In my desperation I looked around for options and then like a vision of an angel I saw a phone sitting on a tall stool behind me, about 10 feet away from me. Out of reach.I now felt like crying, but shortly after a cunning plan entered my head. I proceeded to take my right shoe off and aimed it at the bottom off the stool, in the hope that it would cause the stool to fall toward me. A delicate operation considering I was still holding the button down with my left hand. Sadly I missed. I took off my second shoe, took careful aim and A HIT!!. But it wobbled and failed to fall, the phone hanging over the edge as if to tease me.Finally as my panic worsened, I realised I had now only one chance, my trousers. I dare any of you to remove your trousers with one hand while out stretching the other [...]

The Rips


This post and all others have been moved to this sites new home on www.peterneill.euWell its time to share another little disaster from my tales of madness.The incident you are about to read about is entirely true in every single respect. There is no exaggeration anywhere, as any would be pointless.......About four years ago I was contracting to a large insurance firm in their IT department in City Centre Dublin. Dawson Street as it happens for those who wish to guess what the firm is...Anyway, My Boss, Harry for the sake of this account, has asked me to go to Server Room Two and repatch some of the panels as the cables were in an awful state. After about an hour on the job alone in the server room I start to get a little bored and so decide to go get a cup of coffee. I at this point begin to untangle myself from the cables around my feet and in the process turn around in order to make my exit from the room. Unfortunately untangling myself suddenly becomes a problem as my foot slips through a gap in the floor. I instantly realised my foot was jammed and so I bent down to attempt to free my foot. This is where things got SORE. During the action of bending down my bum extends towards the patch panel behind me and catches a very large sharp edge to the poorly finished panel. It totally impales my rear end and I let out a yelp. I immediately pulled myself of the metal spike and in the same movement tripped on a cable and fell to the floor, thankfully freeing my foot in the process. My problem now is that my bum is pouring blood at an ever increasing rate and by trousers are ripped through at the back. Not Good.As this calamity unfolded, My boss Harry hears the commotion as he is passing the server room and immediately enters the room only to find me gathering myself together while trying to stop the blood flow. He walks over to me and as he stands beside me he has a total laughing fit, and I mean hysterics as I revealed the disaster that had occurred moments before. In his laughter he bends over double and IMPALES HIMSELF ON THE SAME SPIKE! He too lets out a yelp, lifts himself off the spike, and attempts to stop the torrent of blood flow from his rear! At this point terror enters his eyes! I am immediately asked if I take drugs, or have AIDs etc. He was somewhat massively relieved to hear that I had never touched any drugs and was carrying no STDs etc :)However this story is only half over. We now had to figure out what to do. We realised we had to make our way to the first aid room. We literally legged it out of the server room, blood gushing to the first aid room. What other employees thought of us as we rushed down the corridor clutching our collective bleeding asses I'll never know, but people kept strangely silent. I think fear and shock may have been the prevailing emotion. After running down 3 corridors, and catching the elevator we made it to the first aid room and applied bandages to our behinds. Thankfully we managed our own :) After the gushing was got under control, my boss and I took a joint trip to Marks and Spencer to buy new trousers, wearing jackets around our waists on the way in order to cover our lacking trousers.We were happy now that nothing else could go wrong, only to find when we returned back to the office that the security guard had got it all on tape and had already shown our corridor dash to several staff members. I have never and will never live this down :)[...]

It came from the Dark


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This is a little picture of me going slighly overboard for a fancy dress party. I bought some body paint and spent 3 hours applying it from head to toe. Dont ask.
Anyway, you cant go to that much trouble and not let the world see......

Another 'Moment'


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(image) Those of you who read my past post on the subject will know that I have an unusual ability to get myself into the most insane of situations. Well there are many many more, so heres another one:

The Ketchup Beans......
OK Picture this, Im living in a rented house in Dublin with a few friends. It's a Monday morning and I am in the kitchen with reuben - ( and Mike getting breakfast. Anyway somehow we start up a discussion of the best way to get ketchup out of one of those Akward Heinz bottles. Various options are suggested and then I bring to the table the option I believe to be most suitable - Centrifugal Force.
My suggestion is greeted with a mix of both concern and terror. At this point I decided a demonstration was in order, so I had a look in the cupboards for a ketchup bottle. I failed to find the aforementioned article, but I did find a tin of baked beans. In a short moment of what I assumed was logic, I considered this the perfect stand-in for the ketchup bottle. I proceeded to hold the tin at arms length while standing at one side of the kitchen. I started to swing my arm in a large circle in order to demonstrate how one might encourage ketchup towards the lid of a bottle when held with lid facing the outside of the circle.
At this point reuben and Mike are standing at the other side of the kitchen leaning against the kitchen counter with pieces of toast in their hands.
In order to get a little closer to them so that they could "see" better, I decided to move toward the middle of the kitchen whilst still swinging the beans in glee. Wrong move. As I took a step forward, my tin of beans, hand and arm entered a dome of lights above my head with a shattering crash. Reuben and Mike are instantly attacked by a massive swarm of glass shards, the lights above my head are vapourised and much of the fallout lands on their toast while it is entering their mouths. I am at this point in a state of panic, examining my wrist to see how quickly I'm going to die, to my relief no cuts were to be found!!
Mike and Reuben were OK too, however Mike spent the next five days convinced he could feel glass in his throat.
Alls well that ends well :)

In my next installment of "A History of Calamity" I shall help you understand the importance of not accidently kissing a general when you are introduced to him, especially if you are both guys.

Guys, I said Guys.

Sometimes I get myself into bizarre situations........


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As anyone who knows me will testify to, I have a knack of getting myself into bizarre situations. People have often told me that I should start writing them down, so finally I am. Warning do not continue unless you are prepared to loose all respect for me!!

Let me share one little incident:

Picture this, I'm the IT guy working for a small finance firm of about 100 people in Dublin. One day I am asked to carry a large table from downstairs to an office upstairs. Sounds normal so far. Well once I eventually lunge the awkward object upstairs I go about setting it down very carefully, bending my knees as much as possible as I set it down in its final resting place.
While this maneuver is happening the MD and the Head of Finance wander out of a meeting room and are greeted with a view of my behind, however as they witness this gigantic sight, a horrific sound is heard, and large rip is witnessed and the wonderful expanse previously hidden from the world by court order is exposed to their sensitive eyes.
I at this point panic, I feel the rip, I look down and in my upside down view of the of the world behind me witness the astonished eyes of the managing director and the head of finance. Then I suddenly realise that my view is framed by my new pair of boxer shorts, covered in sheep.
I struggled to think quickly, I shook the trousers off my feet, as they were entirely ripped, I take of my t-shirt (the only thing I am wearing on top) and wrap it around my waist. I now make it with great speed and little grace down the corridor wearing only my runners, a pair of boxers and a t-shirt around my waist. I reach the stairs, pass several staff members, leaving them in a daze, head downstairs and out the door while leaving a stunned security guard behind me.
At this point I am standing in the middle of a business park, I remember there is a taxi rank outside the business park and up the road. I dash toward the entrance passing yet more security guards, out the gate and then can see the rank up the road with a few taxis in waiting to my joy. On the final leg of my run, I run past the entrance of what should obviously be my home, a mental hospital with heavy gates and extremely high walls. Finally I jump into a cab and ask the simply stunned driver to take me home. Thank God he did.

Where have you been??


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Found this deadly website that allows you to produce a graphic that shows where you have been in the world!

Mine is below:


create your own visited countries map

a little start


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Hi wanderers!

Welcome to my blog of things intersting, wierd and pointless! many of you, many of you will find this site useless, but those who dont, feel free to check back!