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Mate Selection

The story of one rejected man’s anonymous mission to understand the opposite sex and the real meanings of love, lust and kinky boots through social observation and self-help psychology tests.

Updated: 2014-10-07T01:21:55.382+01:00


Would you believe it? My celebrity lurve match is Louise Redknapp!


I have been doing a little seduction experiment with Christina Aguilera and Louise Redknapp so I thought I would continue my self exploration via psychology tests with Who is your celebrity lurve match? I only ended up being matched to Louise Redknapp didn’t I? Now that’s weird. There were nine other options – but none of them were Christina Aguilera. My result is below, but before my Amanda Peet experience, I would definitely been matched with Kate Winslet.

Louise Redknapp

We’ve all fancied a pop star, maybe even had them up on our bedroom wall – on a poster obviously – but the sleazy Britney image probably doesn’t do it much for you. The ever-lovely Louise with her girl-next-door charm is much more up your street.

After all the only time she wore a school uniform was when she was studying for her GCSE’s and we bet she didn’t spend much time behind the bike sheds. You wouldn’t want to hit Louise one more time, she wouldn’t be into anything kinky, just perhaps some satin sheets, or maybe some al fresco sex in a field, or…Right, enough of that, what we’re trying to say is that Louise would be your perfect celebrity lurve match as you both radiate have an edge of an innocent sex appeal, a wholesome pleasure in a polluted world.

We’re not saying that you’re both as healthy as Bran Flakes; we know that Louise is as naughty as the next girl when she wants to be and so do her scores of male fans. This is why she continues to score so well in those top 100 sexiest women charts. Maybe it’s the way she claims to feel naked with her clothes on, but whatever her secret we think that with a bit of luck she could find herself stuck in the middle with you.

Kate Winslet

One will be pleased to know that as you have the right social airs and graces so there will be no chance of a thorny encounter one’s celebrity lurve match is with Kate, your English a real English rose.

And with the lovely Kate Winslet there’s no chance of a thorny encounter. However, she’s not just bloomin’ gorgeous, she’s also blessed with brains and ambition so congratulations on having the all important social skills to breaking her code. We bet you feel like the King of the World! Just in case you’re getting a sinking feeling we should point out that Kate is no wet fish as she’s starred in an assortment of bodice rippers.

Not bad for someone who used to be called Blubber and who used to be locked in the art-room cupboard at school. Still this held no fear for Kate as she made her TV debut dancing alongside the Honey Monster. Oh, what you wouldn’t give to paint your expressive desires with her in a confined space! We bet it’s her plumy English accent and her sense of derring doderring-do that attracts you to her and why not? Bring on the strawberries and cream, the Pimms and lemonade and the cucumber sandwiches (not to mention a lettuce salad, iceberg of course) as you enjoy the finer arts of croquet, real tennis, or even blasting the guts out of anything that moves in the well tended, rolling countryside. You’ve got the potential to be a true upper class reveller through and through and Kate is the perfect posh totty.

Christina Aguilera is interested in me now I’ve given her the cold shoulder


I love it when a plan comes together! Christina Aquilera has completely changed her attitude to me since I have been flirting with Louise Redknapp instead of her. She smiles at me when I walk through her office area and obviously wants me to come over. She even emailed me today to ask why I never stop for a chat anymore. It certainly makes a change from me doing all the legwork – especially as she certainly has the legs for it.

Even better, Louise is also very receptive to me. She loves the way I’m focusing on her more disguised charms rather than Christina’s distinctly unsubtle ones. So I seem to have developed a win-win situation for myself. The question is – will I manage to make it a win-win-win situation and actually seduce one of them? I call it a win-win-win as technically I win because I beat the social politics, then I win again because of the sex part, and of course one of Christina and Louise would win as they get to have sex too!

Why you should never go for the obvious woman


I was reminded of the film A Beautiful Mind today. Remember the part when John Nash gets the inspiration for his game theory? He’s in the bar with his mates when a group of women enter and one of them is completely stunning. The lads start bantering about which of them has got a chance with this gorgeous woman with the general gist that the competition between the men is good for the group as a whole.

However Nash realises that the plan is flawed if the group want the best outcome. If they all hit on the stunner and then move onto the other women when they are rejected, they are insulting the other women who will turn down their advances. Nash reasoned that by ignoring the obvious woman and going for the other women the men stood their best chance of getting laid, as they will make the other women feel very special.

What he (or the film) left out was that the stunner would feel left out and would be more likely to approach one of the lads. A result in itself!

This is now my new plan, I am ignoring Christina Aguilera, well, I’ll just acknowledge her politely, while making a play for Louise Redknapp. I’m hoping this will make Louise feel special and make Christina more likely to approach me. Clever eh? I’ll find out soon…

Am I doomed in my attempt to change my type of woman?


Some time ago I explained how Amanda Peet had helped to point out my fixation on snotty totty with a definite game plan for their boyfriends. Since then I’ve tried to shake up my normal inclinations and have dallied with a Christina Aguilera and a Louise Redknapp type.

But can you simply switch type? It seems not as I took the Who’s your type? test and even though I tried to answer the questions with an open frame of mind I still ended up with:

Your type is the Glamourina

Looking for a girl you can spoil? Buy a fab new suit and go for the Glamourina — she'll appreciate every chivalrous gesture and expensive bling you shower upon her. She adores gourmet dinners and prefers to have a first-class lifestyle. Okay, so perhaps she can be high-maintenance at times, but just being around her will make you feel like the world revolves around you. Witty and sophisticated, she always lights up a room. Count on her to know the hottest spots to eat, drink, and be merry - and of course, you'll never have to wait in a queue to get in. She's knows "everyone". Her refined manner, polished appearance, and classy style keep you coming back for more. Your princess will be the envy of all your mates. With her on your arm, you'll see Prince Charming grinning back at you every time you look in the mirror.

I want to change towards the girl next door type of Louise Redknapp:

Your type is the girl next door

Cute, fun, and sweet, your ideal girl is just a stone's throw away - she's the girl next door. She's Sandra Bullock, Billie Piper, and Meg Ryan all rolled up into one. Naturally pretty rather than glamorous, she's unpretentious and generous. She loves animals and children, and is great with both. You're attracted to her strong values and traditional ways. Although she demands great respect, she's not particularly high-maintenance. Her ideal date is more likely to be dinner and a film than heading out for a night on the town. She's careful yet spontaneous - a bit of the guy's girl, a bit of a cover girl (the nice kind), and just a hint of the hippie chick. But she's got an appeal that's all her own, which is why you can't stay away. Her winning smile, bright eyes, and loving nature make you want to hold on tight and never let go.

But it all sounds a bit cutsie to me. And the bad girl Christina Aguilera type always looks good for a one night stand:

Your type is the bad girl

No prim and proper sort for you. You like your women a bit jaded and experienced; in a word - bad. When you watch "Grease," you're the type who roots for Rizzo, not Sandy (at least, not until she puts on those hot pants and grabs that cigarette). Your ideal girl has been there and done that, and she's not afraid of motorcycles. She stays out late, loves to party, and will never say no to a good time. Quite the risk-taker yourself, you want a woman who can equal your sense of adventure and spontaneity. She's tough on the outside, but she'll melt around the right bloke. That suits you just fine - you don't want a girl who needs high emotional maintenance. You're looking for a sharp-minded, rebellious partner who knows how to let loose. Grab the next bad girl you meet and let her bring out your wild side.

Now where do I find a woman that has all of these attributes…? Answers on the back of a condom box please!

Should I battle to seduce Christina Aguilera or go for Louise Redknapp?


Some boozy nights out are fun, some are interesting. This weekend was a mixture of both as it appears that Christina Aguilera seems to enjoy having a fan club. If there wasn’t so much aftershave mingling with ciggie smoke in the pub on Saturday night it would have just smelt of testosterone. I got to see a whole different side of a lot of people from work that I previously barely knew, but they all had the same agenda – to get Christina Aguilera in bed.

This whole ‘project’ of trying to seduce Christina was to develop an interest in a different type of women, but sexy as Christina undoubtedly is, I’m not sure I want to try and play the alpha male game and chest thump my way to the top of the hierarchy for my chance with the queen bee.

Why am I so sure of this? It took a while but about an hour before closing I noticed a certain lady in the group who was happy to stay in the shadows of the group while Christina Aguilera vamped it up. She’s the sort of girl you would describe as pretty with a neat bob hair cut and twinkling eyes and cute dimples when she smiled. Then she got up to go to the loo and I realised that while Christina is happy to brave the extra short skirt and the super tight top and wonder bra, this other girl is packing the perfect body without making a song and dance about it.

So now it’s official. I’m changing tracks and my new mission is the cute, softly spoken type – most especially the girl in question who I will now refer to as Louise Redknapp.

I had to squeeze past Christina Aguilera in the stationary cupboard!


Talk about a cliché but I found myself cosseted in a stationary cupboard with Christina Aguilera . Of course it was carefully planned after some covert surveillance to pick the right time to waltz through her department and just casually decide that I need another notepad.

I went for the ‘my department is so boring compared to yours’ routine and she said that I ought to pop round their way more often. Even better, she invited me out over the weekend with the rest of her crowd. Result!

I’d better go as I’m posting this at work and had better not get caught at it…

I’m planning to seduce Christina Aguilera!


There’s a girl in another department at work who reminds me of Christina Aguilera, she’s dressing to impress from a sexual rather than a business perspective and is currently favouring a look involving short skirts and tight tops. It’s not the type I usually go for, but Amanda Peet has shown me that my preference for strong-willed snotty totty does not lead to healthy relationships.

I’ve engineered a few ‘chance’ meetings and she knows who I am and is impressed by my job – which is more than my ex was – so we’ll see if she plays dirty and lets me release the voice within or stays pure and beautiful.

Okay, that’s enough song title puns for now…

Honey Ryder has a boyfriend!


I was indulging in some gentle text flirting with a natural blonde I met earlier when I was delighted to receive a phone call from her. However, she was rather embarrassed and asked me not to contact her again. It seems that she has a boyfriend who just happened to have a snoop on her mobile phone!

She wants to keep her boyfriend and has even let him have her phone for a while so he can see that her foray into flirting by text has stopped.

It’s quite a harmless situation apart from the snog, but I would be very suspicious if I was her boyfriend. I’m keeping right out of it, she was a nice girl, but I don’t need complications at the moment. I also like the irony that the private messages have stopped, but I’m still discussing it in public. This anonymous lark is getting addictive!

Man! I feel like a woman!


Shania Twain belted out this immortal line and apart from the fact that it stays in your head for days after you hear the song, it always struck me as a song that “yeah, so you men might be able to pee standing up and scratch your balls in public, but we can grab your attention any when we want to.

I am part of a generation that has always known a mixed sex workforce in the office and I don’t see any distinction between the sexes (apart from the fact that women get paid less – why is this still allowed to happen!?), but then summer comes and, well, you get reminded that women are well, women.

All of a sudden they have legs, bare shoulders, perhaps a cleavage or a bum that trembles under a thin summer skirt as they walk. It becomes more difficult to keep your mind on the job in hand and your eyes on their face, or the paperwork they’re waving at you.

It’s all so one-sided, what are women distracted by? Men wearing short sleeved shirts? Big deal! Mind you seeing as most men look faintly ridiculous naked and women seem to prefer them in firemen’s uniforms or DJ’s anyway, perhaps it is a good thing.

Apparently even my handbag contents tell me that I’m on the pull!


For my latest foray into the blending of the female psyche and my own ‘little problems’ I was intrigued to see what my handbag contents reveal about me. I was interested to see what in-depth messages this would reveal about the female side to my personality, but it looks as if my feminine side is just as randy as the male one. Perhaps she will have more luck getting laid. ;)

My full result is below.

Your handbag contents tells us that you're on the pull!

Vanity case vamp! Your handbag is crammed with seductive pulling power. Who's your role model – Samantha from Sex And The City? You have a one-track mind and it's focussed on meeting men all the way. You may not always be free and single to play the field as you are right now – so practice safer sex, if you must indulge, and go for it, girl. It's a good idea to remember that there are still women in the world too – and making the effort to find and invest in some girlfriends to party with and swap support could pay surprising dividends. They might also be there to pick up the pieces should you ever end up with a broken heart on your rather adventurous travels.

The collars matched the cuffs!


In my last blog I was bragging about snogging a blonde who I nicknamed Honey Ryder. She was only in town for a few days so our little affair was both brief and innocent. However, after she left me guessing about whether she was a natural blonde I couldn’t help but enquiring further through a carefully worded text message.

It turns out that she’s all natural – amazing the information you can get if you just ask – well, I think the non-intrusive medium of a text message helps too. Perhaps she’ll send a picture next time!

My dalliance with Honey Ryder


I just knew that things had to start looking up after my experience with Amanda Peet in my previous blog entry. Last night I swapped bodily fluids with a blonde girl whose sun tan lotion smelt of honey, so I’ll call her Honey Ryder after Ursula Andress in Dr No.

I’m not going to start doing any blow-by-blow accounts of romantic liaisons here as one is a gentlebloke and it’s probably done much better by the masters of the art.

Anyway, the only bodily fluids we exchanged was saliva and I knew that there wasn’t much more on the agenda when I politely asked her if her lady garden matched the hair on her head and she replied that it was “for her to know and for me to fantasise about.”

I thought that was a very clever response from a very cool lady who was wearing one of those summer dresses that instantly give men the horn, and may also make them wish they could wear something a little less restrictive when a heat wave strikes. It always mystifies me how women can wear something that has all sorts of potential to reveal much more than the wearer intends and still keep their decency after drinking a skinful of booze.

Whoops, I shouldn’t have mentioned that she was pissed should I?

Amanda Peet has shown me the way forward!


I could say that last night a DJ saved my life, but I would be lying. It was a gorgeous actress called Amanda Peet who was playing the lead in a film called Evil Woman (called Saving Silverman in the US). It could have been just down to Amanda’s looks, the way she wore tops that were split down the front to her waist, or the fact that she wore boots, but looks apart, she could have been my ex-girlfriend!

The plot of the film is wafer thin with the usual over-acting of Jack Black threatening to spoil a fun film, but Amanda’s character has finally explained what happened to me. She takes on Jason Biggs (American Pies) as a pet rather than a boyfriend and trains him to be whatever she wants him to be. However, we find out that she really fancies dominant thrill-seeking men, but was heartbroken when her boyfriend died during extreme sports. So she decided it was safer to avoid the love part and just have a perfect boyfriend/slave.

I’m not saying my ex was like that, but well she was. Like Amanda’s character she was ‘snotty totty’ with a great job and wardrobe to match. Looking back she groomed me to live according to her requirements rather than mine and she admitted to usually going for ‘alpha’ men. She dumped me for her boss who has got a fancy car and lots of money.

For some reason realising this has lifted a cloud off me and today is the first day of my new life. I’ve revamped this blog and will now turn it more into a fun (hopefully) account of my re-emergence into the dating scene.

So thank you Amanda Peet for turning me on, making me laugh and seeing the light. Don’t suppose you’re single are you?

Apparently my body language is all wrong


Right, time for another self-indulgent trip into self-psychoanalysis and I was persuaded to take the latest test by the following line: Not everyone wants to buy the first suit they try on in the shop, but could you be doing something different to stop people asking for a refund?

How I hate when someone asks for that refund! Who cares about their favourite CD you borrowed? They want to take themselves out of your life just when you were really starting to have fun.

So the answer to the question What’s your dating flaw? yielded the strange answer – You should work on your body language. Apparently it is not done to appear to be too eager which is a shame as I have always been the type of person who believes in introducing myself if I see someone who takes my fancy. Perhaps I should do what other blokes do and stare at the woman’s tits for hours from a distance while drinking up enough courage to go and slur all over her?

Just in case you’re interested, the analysis is below and the test itself is here.

You may think your body language is saying, "Come hither," but it might sound more like, "Oops! Doh!" If you find yourself tripping, spilling, or full-on falling, you're not alone. Lots of people get a little clumsy when they're nervous.We know that the dating scene can be nerve-wracking, but you don't want to blow your chances before they've even begun. That's why you should take it slow and remain calm. Take a deep breath when you spot that special someone across the room and have a good idea of how you want to introduce yourself beforehand. While catapulting across the room will certainly draw attention, it's probably not the kind you're looking for. So slow it down and put your best foot forward!

Do attractive women have more of a problem with rejection?


Most single men are resigned to being rejected by women. It’s not so much that it is ‘a numbers game’, more that women are more picky about who they sleep with even after they have drunk a bottle and a half of wine and have reached the huggy “ I love you!” stage. It would be arrogant to think that the majority of women you encounter have an unstoppable desire to play with your uglies.

However, most men have much lower morals and if a single guy thinks he is in with a foxy lady his thoughts are probably some distance away from worrying about long term compatibility.

With this in mind, would a babe have more of a problem with being turned down on the basis of her personality than someone of average looks who is turned down due to their appearance?

Is it worse to be incompatible by personality or looks?

A pretty woman smiled at me today


I was walking down the street and I saw this pretty woman walking towards me. She was tall with long dark hair and the type of self-confident walk that only really comes when you know that not only are people checking you out, but they’re liking what they see.

She was happy, very happy. She was grinning as she walked and occasionally looked down and made a half-hearted attempt to straighten her radiant features. Just before she reached me she let out a little chuckle before composing herself again.

I looked her in the eyes as she passed me and gave her a smile. She returned it with a genuine smile that had the power to stop traffic. There is something about sharing eye contact and a smile with an attractive woman; it’s why men will habitually look women in the eyes as they pass them. Women seem invariably to look away, perhaps they worry that exchanging a glance will lead to the man trying to start a conversation?

That’s why it gives me such a lift when someone returns my smile. I don’t read much into it. I don’t assume that this friendly soul is aching for me to explore her lady garden. It just feels nice.

So, why was my reciprocal smiler in such a good mood? I’ll never know, but as I instinctively turned to watch her go by (no, of course she didn’t turn round) I nearly walked straight into a lamp post.

I couldn’t help wondering if this had happened to another star-struck pedestrian a few minutes earlier.

Hooray! I’m Smart ’n’ Sexy!


After my previous depressing dalliance with on-line self help tests where I discovered that I was matched to the Spanish football team because they always seem to fail at the last moment – and didn’t they do just that at the World Cup? – I thought I’d return to a more basic level by discovering “What kind of sexy I am.”

Admittedly I was prompted to take this test by the close up pic of a straining bosom tethered in a top several sizes too small, but at least with this test I knew that I would be described as sexy at the end of it. At least I didn’t think it would be possible to have a Loser Sexy type. Surely that only applies to the Shermanator from American Pie II?

The good news is that I’m not Shy ’n’ Sexy – ie a virgin, or Sweet ’n’ Sexy, too nice to put out on a first date. I’m Smart ’n’ Sexy so women want me for my brains as well as my body! Now that is sooo much better than being a Spanish footballer.

So what’s all this Smart ’n’ Sexy all about?

Your intellect puts you in a class above the rest, and it creates a sexual aura that's untouchable by people who possess nothing more than a pretty face. You have people and intellectual skills and are able to juggle them accordingly. Your sense of the world at large and your world around you draws people to your mind, and what a beautiful mind it is. Whether you look the part in horn-rimmed glasses and a finely pressed suit or dress simply in a tee-shirt and jeans, your style really takes off when you are allowed to flaunt your intellectual prowess. You're happier volunteering for a good cause, like organising a charity bash, than spending all night partying with friends — well at least some of the time. You've read the classics, or at least know what they are and get the greatest rush when you can fully connect with people — both mind and body. While you may have the looks as well, it's all about the brains that turn up the heat when you're around.

All women interested in discovering my Smart ’n’ Sexy style should send me a pic of themselves wearing boots. All other clothing optional! ;)

Being ugly has its attractions too


There is a distinctly unfashionable side of seduction - the attraction to people who, for want of a kinder phrase, are ugly. Not everyone is blessed with the looks to turn heads, but very few people are sidelined to a life of celibacy.

The good news is that you don’t have to be blessed with the standard genetics of good looks to be deemed attractive. Scientists from the University of New South Wales in Sydney found that ‘ugly individuals can sometimes do better than good-looking ones.’ The individuals they were studying were female guppies who usually choose males with bright orange spots and large tails. However, a small proportion of the females under test preferred males with black markings.

This choice is surprising as male offspring from males with the desired traits would in turn be more attractive to females. So these alternative females are gambling that extra variety in their offspring genes will produce healthier and more successful offspring themselves.

Humans value diversity too. It has long been established that women are attracted to the genetic smell of men that have different immune systems to themselves. A specific cluster of immune system genes has an influence on the particular body odour of an individual, so it could be a case of love at first smell, with looks coming second. However, matters become complicated if a woman uses oral contraception as this changes her particular body odour, making her to men with a different smell to her new odour. She may find that she doesn’t fancy her husband when she comes of the pill to try for a baby!

Whilst our noses seek diversity, our eyes are programmed to appreciate beauty. In a study on perceived attractiveness, babies ranging from 3 to 6 months old spent more time staring at photos of faces that were described as more attractive by adults. This result was regardless of race, gender or age. Beauty can also equal fertility as shown by a study where men where asked to rate which silhouettes of women they found the most sexually attractive. The men consistently chose figures with hour-glass shapes, even above the slim figure that most women strive to achieve. Amazingly, scientists have shown that women with a sharp contrast between waist and hips have a higher reproductive productivity.

So if we can choose the best genetic partners by smell and sight alone why do we bother talking to them? Happily although we may prefer a specific physique or look, we are not restricted by them. We choose a long term partner on the basis of compatibility of personalities so if you are admiring someone from a far, go up and have a chat. Your intended may follow the same logic as the alternative female guppies. Just remember to get close to give your BO a chance to back up your personality!

Love me, love my belly fluff


There are a number of curses for the male approaching his thirties. Not only does hair sprout out of unsightly places, your belly button accumulates enough fluff to fill a king-size duvet.

The mysterious appearance of this downy delight was one of those unexplained mysteries akin to the sock-eating monster that always leaves one odd sock, why women always nick chips off your plate and that irrepressible urge to fart after sex. Perhaps the last one only happens to me.

Anyway, at last one of these mysteries is close to being solved thanks to an online ‘belly button lint survey.’ The phrase ‘belly button lint’ seems a very grand description for such an unwelcome accumulation, but it does have the tasty acronym BBL.

This scientific investigation involved 4,799 people who answered a variety of questions about their belly button habitat. 66 per cent of these people claimed to be blessed with BBL and it appears that men gather more impressive quantities than women, an achievement that increases with age. They also came to the logical conclusion that you need an ‘innie’ belly button to be able to collect a decent wad.

Following on from some enterprising shaving experiments, the survey also tested the ‘snail trail theory,’ a cunning piece of advanced science involving upwardly mobile pubic hair and a razor. The idea is that fluff, or if you want to be posh, lint, from clothes is ratcheted up the line of pubic hair betwixt genitals and navel by continual clothing contact. Some people managed to turn their belly buttons into barren wastelands by shaving off their snail trail, an act no doubt much appreciated by their partners.

Although this razor wizardry does not work for everybody, it does appear that either the snail trail, or hair around the navel has a role in directing fluff to its gentle resting place. So now you can banish BBL with a razor if your partner complains about you digging it out before jumping into bed, (it may not be the most romantic gesture, but it’s better than leaving it there). If your partner refuses to comply, simply brandish the razor whilst he, or even she, is safely asleep – just remember to keep your eyebrows covered in future in case they seek revenge.

Another way of reducing your BBL is to lose the beer belly, as it appears that a rotund stomach has a larger belly button with more capacity for fluff. However, not everyone wants to lose their BBL. It creates an extra layer of insulation and you can always pass the time by monitoring any colour changes. If you find any colour other than blue-grey then rejoice in your BBL, as just like the obligatory carrots appearance in human vomit, the BBL is always blue–grey.

No why do I only find this site when I’m single?


I have been walking through various female orientated areas in the name of research for this blog but this is one that made me stop and look. It’s called Sensual Reading and claims to look at sensuality from a female perspective –well I’m pleased to say that it works for me too.

Now even a testosterone charged bloke like me can appreciate the sensual nature of the photos on the site. Unlike the male porno angle there is much more of a suggestion of general naughtiness which I can see leaves you wanting more. There is a focus on other senses such as touch and taste, rather than just exposing bare flesh.

There is a photo of a woman with her bare back to the camera with a thick metal chain draped loosely over her back. I have no idea why this is so stimulating - you can only see her back and shoulders - but it is. However, and this is where the Y chromosome kicks in, although I’m intrigued by the photo it’s not enough. I want the woman to turn round. I want to see her face primarily, but of course I would be deluding myself if I didn’t want to see her chest - especially as I already know it is only covered by a length of chain.

Is this the difference between male and female erotica? Are men only satisfied when they are guided relatively quickly to being able to see exactly what they want to see, while women enjoy being tantalised by snippets of the whole picture so they can fill in the blanks themselves? If you know please tell me!

Of course, I’ve missed the point here – the site is all about sensual short stories so I’ve been doing my best to learn from them too – it’s a tough job but someone has to do it. ;) However, the bit that I’m really jealous about is their sensual message service. Now if my girlfriend had sent me the following message I would be having tent pole problems for weeks afterwards!

I have just gifted you a story from and would love you to read it to me over the telephone.

Where’s a girlfriend when you need them!!!!

Apparently I’m destined to play for Spain in the World Cup


With all the footie on the telly I thought it was time to step up and face the national anthems and kick off my next attempt at on-line self analysis. It was also a good opportunity to move on from continually babbling on about the opposite sex.

This test was What team should you play for in the FIFA World Cup? Straight away I knew I would be Spain, the perpetual underachievers. Why couldn’t I be Engerland or Brazil? Bugger this for a laugh, I’ll return to the opposite sex for the next test...

My result is below:

Olé! There are times when you have the bravado of a bullfighter, the grace of a flamenco dancer and the smoothness of a well aged Rioja. Put another way you are brimming with potential and have great expectations. However, there seem to be times when life comes and gives you a kick in the maracas. The Spanish team are viewed by many to be a gifted side that never quite manage to reach their potential. We're not accusing you of always shooting wide of the goalposts, but there are probably times when you get frustrated by the way that it's not always you who is kissing the cup in front of an adoring audience. Perversely enough, it may be your lack of kissing ability that might be hindering your progress. We can tell that you're the sort of person who would prefer to get to the top through your own ability rather than kissing a certain area of your boss' anatomy. And let's face it; that can only be a good thing!

Ave a word! What viral marketing can tell you about me.


The latest viral link going round is this cracking interactive gangster hard man routine. I’ve done it so it refers to me but you can adept it to yourself or your male friends. It’s so clever it is practically genius. Check it out.

Just one problem. The whole thing revolves around the new Mini Cooper being a lad’s car – sorry mate, but no way. This is one car that is strictly for the ladies…

Why am I still single?


It’s a strange question to ask other people so I decided to ask a computer instead. Yes, this is another in my series of self-analysis probes by on-line psychology tests – see the Why are you still single? test to try it for yourself.

It appears that I am still single because I don’t want to slow down. See my result below.

Whether you're working all hours, busy with school, or planning a long distance move, it sounds like you just don't have time for anyone else in your life…for the moment anyway. Your timing may be bad in other aspects, too. Chances are, you've met that perfect person who just so happens to be married or planning their own long distance move. So take a step back for a moment. Is there something underlying this? Could it be you're afraid to get involved for some reason or another, and are therefore attracted to people who are simply unavailable? Whether you're secretly sabotaging yourself or not, try a little exercise. Open your mind to those who are around you (and available!) right now. Then reduce your schedule to let that someone in. That is, unless you want to get married to your goals, and not Mr. or Mrs. Right.

I’m not sure that I agree with the not wanting to slow down bit. I mean I know that I like to keep myself busy, but that’s mainly because there is no-one else to spend the time with.

I’d agree with the liking the unavailable part though. It seems that every woman I like the look of has either has a man on her arm or a ring on her finger. There’s Angelina Jolie, Liz Hurley and Rachel Weisz for a start!

I’m going to dye my hair grey


I've recently taken up a new hobby. It's fun, free and sometimes intellectually demanding. It's the art of working out what on earth advertisers are trying to tell us from their photos.

For example, my flat mate of mine has recently bought a Ford and was handed a glossy brochure of insurance deals.The front cover features a gorgeous, young Mediterranean looking woman in a slinky summer top with a silver car in the background - easy to work this one out. Hip, summery and trendy for the ladies, hubba hubba for the men, not to mention the suggestion that this type of woman could fancy them...

Inside covers there are pics of cars. Boring. The first leaflet is their payment protection plan. We have lots of pics of achingly trendy, Mediterranean types in their late 20's, early 30's, socialising, relaxing, being cool. Further clues indicate that we are in Portugal, there is a trendy, good-looking bloke with grey hair who the others appear to look up to. Main message, it's fun being hip and sexy in Portugal now the grey haired bloke has told us to get the payment protection plan.

Next is the 'Guaranteed Asset Protection' - this is more sinister, bloke looking at his shiny new motor, a pic of a lost car key, pics of children looking up to Dad and a pic of a fancy drinks party where all the guests are looking admiringly at grey-haired bloke. Message - listen to the grey-haired bloke, he knows what he's talking about - better safe than sorry.

Finally we have the 'Comprehensive motor insurance' leaflet. This has a strange pic of a woman from the navel down, wearing a trendy skirt and flat shoes, walking past some patio doors inside a trendy flat. Presumably she is safe inside the flat and also safe wearing flat shoes, but we can only see up to her elbows so it's hard to decide much. Inside we have a pic of a gorgeous woman looking admiringly at the bloke with grey hair, it's quite a look. It says I admire, respect and love you, you are very clever, but most importantly I want your babies. Message? The beautiful woman and bloke with grey hair think you should get Ford car insurance.

I have since noticed that many adverts now feature men is their thirties/forties with grey hair. Are they the new role models? Should I dye my hair grey and change my name to Joao? Or is the Portuguese bit an optional extra? Is it time for John Major to make a comeback and should I invest in any company brave enough to make grey hair dye? These questions should be answered!

Sex at the hairdressers


Humans are often wrongly described as gregarious. Do people ever choose to sit next to a stranger on the bus, shunning the empty seat behind them? No. We may like company but prefer our own space, explaining why having your hair cut can be so uncomfortable.

Sitting in a public place whilst a stranger preens your locks would be bad enough without the mirrors. Where do you look? Do you watch your hairdresser as she works; spy on the other customers or simply stare at your own reflection and try not to notice how vacuous you look? Most people do all three resulting in those startled, rapid eye movements that are usually saved for travelling in a lift or crowded tube train.

As everyone follows this tactic, the entire shop is aware of our fleeting scrutinies. Added to this discomfort is the close proximity of the hairdresser as she manipulates your scalp in a way no-one other than your partner would normally dare to. Not to mention the fact that your hair looks less than flattering as it is scrunched, spiked or the ultimate embarrassment – held up with a clip!

You may be wondering why I don’t frequent the barbers rather than hairdressers. The answer is the pain. Too many times I have winced internally whilst a sadistic Sweeny Todd derives his pleasure by systematically yanking my hair off. Do they not realise that the indignity of a hair cut is quite enough without testing my pain threshold as well as the strength of my hair?

One git decided it was necessary to fold my upper ears in half when cropping the sides of my head. I assume other people’s ears are more flexible than mine because I left the barbers with two red and throbbing ears that made a dubious hair cut twice as comical. From that moment on I was convert to unisex hairdressing.

This doesn’t mean that female hairdressers are gentle to everyone. My ex used to complain about the way her hair is tugged whilst it is blow-dried. On one occasion she returned with a noticeably inflamed scalp. It seems that perhaps a gentle cut is only achieved if someone of the opposite sex handles the scissors. Could it be that the sexual chemistry between the sexes reduces the hairdresser’s urge to perform sadistic pain tolerance?
I must admit that the sensation of gentle female fingers working through my hair helps me ignore the many eyes bouncing off the mirrored surfaces. This works for both parties as a relaxed punter is much more likely to tip and the biggest tip I gave was to a babe who gently massaged my head while cutting my hair. There was nothing sexual about it, but it was very sensual. Shame she wasn’t wearing boots!