2008-03-29T15:50:14.234-04:00http://xanga.com/rcyoaxn. the other one. that gets updates more. or http://blog.myspace.com/rcyoaxn. gets updated even more.
2008-01-20T01:09:52.289-05:00so... i basically forgot all about this. but now i remembered. woo.
2007-06-27T21:04:59.836-04:00I'm alive, I'm alive' I'm alive, I'm alive!
2007-04-17T23:27:44.819-04:00I wrote this a few days ago but didn't get around to posting it until now.-----For some reason I keep finding myself feeling like a song by Mute Math called "Picture". I'll say more about it in a minute, but for now -- I was bored in class the other day (seems to happen a lot) so I started writing a piece of poetry. This is how it turned out:Held within the grasp of fateLost inside this darkened stateChoices made, reasoned mindWe thought we knew the truth this timeFace the lies, take the blameYou are the one who made this gameBeyond the edge of reasoned lightYou fell from grace into the nightWhores and lovers, saints and foolsHalf-lived morals bend the rulesNo wrong or right, just good intentionHard lines and bright eyes lost to mentionAll fall apart like broken prideYet with sunrise, surrender, renewed we riseIt's me, it's you, it's everyone who has fallen and been trampled to pieces by life. Everyone who has ever given themselves away and woken up one day to find that they've got nothing left. That they're not who they were, and they don't know how they got this way.And you say you've screwed up so badly you could never get back. You think could never get back to who you were, that even God can't give you back what you gave away. My friend, you have a very small picture of God. He knows no limits, he has no boundaries. Space and time can't contain him. Not even your will can stop him. You are loved by God whether you want it or not. My Father can restore anything, he can make anything better, and he can fix any problem we can throw at him. I don't care if you've killed someone, if you're a rapist, if you've had sex so many times you can't keep track anymore, if you've looked at porn all your life and think you're stuck there forever, if you're anorexic, a cutter, a druggie, alcoholic, bullimic, or suicidal. There is hope for you in Christ. You can take one more day. You can hold on. You can change. There is hope and love and grace for you and, in spite of the pain, there is a peace for you that your mind just can't wrap itself around. You can be restored. The very word implies that something had to be messed up to begin with. You can't fix something that isn't broken. It's not going to be easy, but nothing in life ever is. It probably won't even be close to fun most times. But is it worth it? Is accepting Christ's love and choosing to devote yourself to living for him worth it? With all I am, I say yes.I'm in the middle of something that has been for me nearly 2 years in the making, and I'm at the point where I'm wondering whether or not I should just get up and walk away from it forever. It's affected my grades, my personality, my emotions, my actions, everything about me. For the past 2 years this has been foremost in my prayers, first when I go to God for strength, the first reason I find myself lost in thought and dreams. I love it, I truly do, but at times I find myself almost hating it at the same time. Finally I think I must decide. Either direction will be hard, and I know which one I want, but I no longer feel I know what will happen. It's not up to me. But I know that God must have a plan.It seems all I can do is trust. It's never been easy for me to trust anyone, and when people continually lie to me and break the trust I worked so hard to give to them it makes it even more difficult. God knows the effort it takes me to trust anyone for anything. And being let down so often makes it hard to even trust God sometimes, because I wonder why he should be any different than many of my friends. But then I remember that He's never let me down before, even when I've cussed him out for letting something happen that I didn't understand and thought I couldn't take. He's always pulled me through. So he is the one in whom I place my trust.So back to the song, Picture. I guess it explains a lot about how I've felt many times when I remember this summer and many times since then. Especially when I was going through my wallet and found a photo [...]
2008-12-09T09:36:37.534-05:00Okay, since Anonymous wondered about pictures of me... actually, the profile pic really is me. I was just 3 years old at the time. But here are more current ones -- click on them for a bigger view:
Wallace Stevens mentions horny feet in one of his poems. Taken out of context, I find that hilarious. It was everything I could do to keep myself from laughing in class today.
Discussing 19th century funerals in the same class, and how long before a body must be buried, here are the professor’s comments: "Not to be cold about it, but it would depend on whether it was summer or winter."
Cold. Haha. I laugh at the most random, seemingly humorless things. It’s fun. ^_^
Today I found that I've been quoted on Facebook as saying: "Even old barbies were marvellously disproportionate and could have carried everything they needed in their chests. No need for a purse with that much endowment. 'Excuse me, I need to get my makeup...'"
And I've got nothing more to say about that. :-P
2007-04-01T15:42:52.491-04:00Wow. For some reason today I'm enjoying listening to the song "Backstabber" by Disciple. Probably not a good thing. Haha.
2007-03-28T00:07:13.994-04:00...does anyone really read this anymore?
2007-02-13T18:46:52.906-05:00Well, it's me. I'm still alive. I've just been incredimongously busy lately. Spellcheck is telling me that isn't a word, but it's okay. I'm back at Asbury College after a jaunt at UK. Too much is going on in my life right now to even start to write about, but life is good, God is good, and that's all that really matters. Love you guys... maybe I'll try to get back to updating this again. Blessings!
2006-11-23T18:51:51.030-05:00Random thoughts, y'all. Take them with a bit of turkey and enjoy. ;)Snake Meat Eaters of America Slogans:Snake: The other other white meat.Snake: It's what's for dinner.Snake: It makes great boots. And you can eat the rest.(What am I doing? I must be tired, haha)Why do all my friends think my brother looks just like me? A co-worker yesterday told someone that there was a miniature Ryan standing at the counter. I don't think we look a bit alike. He's not even tall. ;)I joined a new Facebook group this week that must have been created by a math major. It's called "I wish I was your derivative you I could lie tanget to your curves". Pure fun.Too bad you cant major in being a miner. They you could have a lot of fun with people. For example:"My major is miner!"What are you studying?" "I'm majorly a psych guy". "Oh yeah? Well, I'm a major miner major!"*groans*. Awful, I know.Prayer this past week or so has been insane. I fasted for a friend most of Monday, I had a crazy prayer time Sunday night... It's been nonstop craziness. Good times, but quite exhausting.Right now I'm literally hoarse from praying last night. I guess I got kinda loud. Maybe even close to a holy roar. ;) I pray in my car now, mostly at night, so the intensity doesn't frighten anyone. I always feel a little weird when I go back to my dorm though, because I have to wonder what I must look like. If I was a superhero, I could be Night Prayer Man. "Who is that at such a crazy time of night driving an ugly car, wearing weird clothes, and looking like he got an hour of sleep all week? Why, it's Night Prayer Man!" *cheering*. ;)More serious thoughts:There comes a time for all of us when we have to choose between what is right and what is easy.It's always so easy to see where we're at now and say that there's no turning back; that we're here now and where we've fallen from doesn't matter. We tend to get caught in the moment and forget about who and what we could be if we would just push on and leave the things that are holding us back behind. We forget how things used to be and instead content ourselves with who we've become. We tell ourselves we've reached a point where we can't turn back; that we can't be who we once were. We lie to ourselves and say that we haven't fallen that much, that we're not falling, that we've just slowed our growth down a bit, but we wonder why everything around us seems to be moving upward so much faster than it used to and the rocks at the bottom of the cliff we're climbing seem to be getting bigger.I'm sick of it.I'm sick of seeing so many of the girls around me change and do things they wouldn't have only a few months ago because they got involved with some guy who manipulated them. I'm sick of seeing guys take advantage of girls because they know how to play with their emotions. I'm sick of trying to put back together the pieces of their old lives after they finally realize what happened to them. They're never the same. God can restore anything, and forgiveness is always available, but even healing leaves scars.I'm sick of watching my friends compromise themselves and then say they don't regret what they've done because they "learned from it". Oh, sure. How can you learn if you don't change? There can be no repentance without it. Yes, I've done things I shouldn't have, and yes, I've learned a lot from my mistakes. But I do regret them. I hope that if I ever get with someone who starts to bring me down that one of my friends will have the courage to slap me in the face and tell me to get rid of her and won't stop praying for me until I do.Sometimes I think about how much better things would have been if I would have just obeyed and trusted God and learned things the way he intended me to. I think about how much more fulfilling things would have felt, and how there wouldn't have been the same p[...]
2006-10-16T15:29:11.396-04:00There you sat; eyes closed, resting. Not alone. You're never alone. But as I looked, I knew that my heart would always hold you even when I couldn't.
2006-09-08T02:59:57.833-04:00I'm feeling rather nostalgic tonight, or at least imaginative. What I'm thinking of never actually happened I suppose, but I feel as if it did anyway. In my mind I keep picturing a blazing campfire set at the edge of a midnight sky, crickets chirping softly in the night. Out of the fire sparks drift up into a gentle breeze that sweeps them away like tiny stars that burn for a moment and then die as suddenly as they began. In the distance the chirping of frogs gently awaken the evening with their songs. And there, laughing and playing around the fire, are six young children. The oldest is a girl, small and slender, with long, nearly black hair and gentle, beautiful hazel eyes. She has her legs drawn up to her chest, her arms wrapped around her legs as she looks deeply into the flames, an expression of thoughfulness written on her face. Next is a boy, mischevious but charming, with dark brown hair and an impish grin. He holds a twig into the fire, twisting it around as it slowly begins to burn. The third is another boy, brown-haired, well-built, handsome, and slightly chubby. He is telling a funny story, making the others laugh at his amusing antics. The next is a girl with long blonde hair, a happy smile, and an irrepressible sense of excitement and energy. She won't stay still long, but frequently stands up and moves around the fire. Fifth is a blond, slightly curly-haired boy, calm and contented, but his eyes reveal in him a sense of fun and adventure. He is occupied with gathering more wood and leaves to ensure the fire will stay lit. The youngest is a small, quiet boy with blonde hair and bright blue eyes. He seems content to watch the interaction of the others, a small smile occasionally spreading across his dimpled face as happy thoughts drift through his mind. Six children. Three sets of siblings. Childhood friends. Judith and Hannah, Isaac and Aaron, Michael and Ryan. But memories fade, and dreams change. We're shaped by our actions and determined by our choices. And as I see this scene in my mind, I have to wonder -- what have they become? Who will we be when the hourglass falls and our time here has ended?
2006-09-07T14:18:50.136-04:00Memories? What memories? Ha...
2006-08-30T18:03:02.116-04:00Today I was asked if I used to model. I don't think I'll ever get used to that question. No, I didn't ever do modeling. I've never been a model. Not even a model airplane. Or a model student. Or a model model. Nope. I've just been Ryan.
2006-08-28T11:15:57.366-04:00Well, I'm at UK now. It's very different from Asbury. And now I must go eat, but I just wanted to let you all know that I'm still alive. ^_^
2006-08-02T01:22:46.973-04:00Tempora mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis.
2006-07-29T03:26:30.036-04:00And it took a while, but it was more than worth the wait.
2006-07-24T17:16:34.376-04:00And his thoughts were like flames...
2006-07-19T15:28:41.776-04:00Sometimes I feel like a tree. Well, two trees. At my best I am an oak, massive and strong; my roots planted firmly in the soil, entwined branches lifted up embracing the sky, staring the world in the face as the sun shines down and illuminates the earth. At worst I am a willow, bent and broken; bowing to the ground in despair as heaven releases a torrential deluge; angry sheets of rain obscure the surrounding world as I fight the overwhelming fear that obscures reality.
2006-06-30T14:45:24.266-04:00Ah, we have a new post! I'm sure all of my loyal readers are vastly appreciative of the fact that it doesn't contain any lyrics. Well, that's not the plan anyway, but I suppose things could change. It is a perfectly marvellous day, condidering that one, I have not yet gotten out of bed and it is already 2:10 pm; two, I'm feeling slightly under the weather; and 3, ... 3... oh, never mind 3. Like I said, it's an excellent day.
2006-06-27T01:39:46.730-04:00Sometimes God really speaks to me in ways other people might not understand. Seeing things happen in the lives of my friends, watching people, even praying for seemingly simple situations can all become intensely spiritual for me. But even songs I've heard what seems like a thousand times can suddenly become the voice of God into my life. Such as these two songs. I wish I could put them up so you can hear them, but I'm not able to. As such, you'll have to just read the lyrics, which I know can be monotonous and time-consuming. For that I'm sorry, but I can't really share them with you any other way. Update -- I've got them up for you now. The first song is called "Magnificent Obsession", by Steven Curtis Chapman. It suddenly found new meaning for me today. The second is called "Obsession" (see any similarities to the first?), by Delirious?, also sung by David Crowder. Again, it really struck home with me today. The songs are essentially... well, they're my life. I still struggle with things, I can still get really emotional (ask Judith about that... ha), And I still fall down, but I'll never be the same person I was six months ago. And the only reason for that is the person I care about most in this world. If you can call Him a person. He is Jesus Christ; my savior and my friend. We've had some really good talks. He's put up with a lot from me. And in spite of my instability and inability to continually pursue Him like I should, He's always here for me when I need Him. He died just to save me from myself. And, for that, I will follow Him until the end.----"Magnificent Obsession"Lord, You know how muchI want to know so muchIn the way of answers and explanationsI have cried and prayedAnd still I seem to stayIn the middle of life’s complicationsAll this pursuing leaves me feelingLike I’m chasing down the windBut now it’s brought me back to YouAnd I can see againThis is everything I wantThis is everything I needI want this to be my one consuming passionEverything my heart desiresLord, I want it all to be for You, JesusBe my magnificent obsessionSo capture my heart againTake me to depths I’ve never beenInto the riches of Your grace and Your mercyReturn me to the crossAnd let me be completely lostIn the wonder of the loveThat You’ve shown meCut through these chainsThat tie me down to so many lesser thingsLet all my dreams fall to the groundUntil this one remainsYou are everything I wantAnd You are everything I needLord, You are all my heart desiresYou are everything to meYou are everything I wantYou are everything I needI want You to be my one consuming passionEverything my heart desiresLord, I want it all to be for YouI want it all to be for You----"Obsession"What can I do with my obsession?With the things I cannot seeIs there madness in my being?Is it wind that blows the trees?Sometimes You're further than the moonSometimes You're closer than my skinAnd You surround me like a winter fogYou've come and burned me with a kissAnd my heart burns... for YouAnd my heart burns... for YouAnd I'm so filthy with my sinI carry pride like a diseaseYou know I'm stubborn, LordAnd I'm longing to be closeYou burn me deeper than I knowAnd I feel lonely without hopeAnd I feel desperate without visionYou wrap around me like a winter coatYou come and free me like a birdAnd my heart burns... for YouYou, LordAnd my heart burns... for YouOh, it burns for you, LordOnly YouAnd my heart burns... for YouOh, it burns for YouYou, LordAnd my heart burns... for You[...]
2006-06-26T12:20:02.620-04:00I can still see the light at the end of the tunnel shine
2006-06-21T11:33:20.680-04:00I will live and die for You only. You were the only one that I could turn to. You were the only one that could ever calm my sea that separated me from what You knew I could be. Only You. And through it all, I’m Yours alone. I will live and die for You only. Only You. I will die to live for You only. You will be the one I will call by name even when I find myself on either side of pain. You will be the reason for the breath I breathe. Only You. Take this burning heart that burns for You. Make it what You want. Break it, mend it, it is Yours alone. For You I will live and die.
2006-06-10T23:57:20.746-04:00Wow. I just came across a post over on Rosemary's blog and I could totally relate to what she said. I've definitely been where she is. She was talking about relationships and loving Jesus, so I thought I'd make a post on what I've learned in that area. What God has shown me is that He is a jealous God who wants to be with us just as much and infinitely more than we want to be with our spouses. He longs for us to long for Him, and every second we spend in His presence is pure joy to Him. He loves us so much more than we can ever comprehend. What I've found is that falling in love with Jesus is different than falling in love with a girl (or a guy, if you're a girl :P). That confused me and took me a while to figure out. For me at least, when I'm in church worshipping and I'm singing songs to God, suddenly I become overwhelmed with love for Him. It's not romantic love, per se. It's so hard to describe. But I'll be standing there singing and the lyrics entertwine with my being and suddenly I just know How much He loves me. Then my hands go up in the air, my arms spread wide, and it's all I can do to keep the tears from running down my face with the knowledge of all that He has done for me. Who am I that anyone, much less God, should really care about me? Yet He loved me enough to die for me. It becomes a personal thing. God loved me so much that he sent his son to die. To take my place so that I wouldn't have to be punished for the unfathomable amount of things I've done wrong. And when that connects, I know without a doubt that He really cares about me and knows what I'm going through. And I love Him enough to do anything for Him. Who couldn't fall in love with a God like that?
2006-05-23T15:37:09.900-04:00So... I think I'm losing it and going crazy. Maybe it's because I've had a headache all day; I don't know.The Da Vinci code is stupid, but if you can get past the hilariously unvelievable plot premise, it is somewhat entertaining. Yay for creepy albino monks.I just misread this: "All content herein copyright" as this: "And contains copious amounts of heroin". I'm not sure how it's possible to misread something so terribly, but evidently I'm capable of it. I think I'll blame it on the wording.On a somewhat serious note, think about this for a bit:"And you tried so hard to fight the feelings you dwell onWhen all you should do is die to yourself, die to yourself"- Number One Gun, "We Are"Seems like just following that bit of advice would make things a lot easier.I'm totally loving a band called Waking Ashland at the moment. Check them out at http://www.purevolume.com/wakingashland .They have a music video for a song called "Hands on Deck". It reminds me a lot of myself and someone I know/used to know. And I don't think I'm going to say who. Maybe it's because she's changed so much I don't really know her anymore. Maybe it's a composite of a bunch of people. Maybe it's not. Maybe I don't even know. But maybe I do. It's funny... I keep watching it over and over, wanting it to end a different way, but it never does. It's bittersweet; beautiful and hopeful, but ironically hopeless at the same time. I can't get past the ending. There's no escaping it. She shouldn't leave. He shouldn't walk away. That's not how things are supposed to happen. Yet they do. I guess some things are never meant to be. And I've never been good at waiting.I'm an an interesting mood. I've kinda been this way all week. I'm a hopeless romantic, but I feel stifled in a way. I suppose I keep it hidden and nobody ever knows. I've been missing people a lot lately for some reason. *sigh*I've changed so much these past few months. It's almost unbelievable how different I am from who I was. It might not be apparent at first, even to my closest friends, but I'm not the boy I was. I don't have to impress people or make everyone like me. The craziness was really a facade. I didn't want people to see me for who I was; a scared, hurt, lonely boy who needed to be loved and appreciated. I've grown up. I'm still figuring things out, but I know who and what I am. I can love without conditions. And I can finally let go. I'm not afraid anymore.Why do we do things we shouldn't do and want things we shouldn't want? I get so annoyed when I see people make stupid decisions because they feel comfortable at the time. Is being comfortable really something that makes everything okay? Maybe it frustrates me because I see it in myself. Well, I need sleep. I love you all. May God bless you richly.---- All hands on deck, don’t abandon the shipYou’ll never know what it could have beenAll hands on deck, my ship is sinkingDon’t let me go, don’t let me drownA step to the right to your own rhythmAnd what comes next is up to youI need a miracle to save me from thisI need the angels to all pray for meI can’t believe youAnother day, another worryBreaks right throughAnd indecision bleeds me dryShe’s painting pictures I'm not making for herAnd she's got a vision without me in mindI can’t believe youThe long walks on Moon Light beachThe promises you could not keepThey're so contagious, you're so contagiousFor all the world we did not [...]