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Preview: Ten Lizard Tongues

Ten Lizard Tongues

Updated: 2010-07-30T13:51:49.958+02:00





Stop what you're at


Leave the dinner to burn, let the children screaming out in the hall, turn on the lights and open your curtains.

Turn the sound up loud, (no, louder... that's better), now strut your stuff around the room.

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How you like me now?

Is it a bird?


When is it 'aeroplane', and when is it 'airplane'?



The Netherlands is not exactly a musical hotbed.

Known for their DJs and lots of Europop, what very few outside the country realise is that Holland is home to a bounty of one of my favourite things. Chicks with guitars.

Leading the way for years has been Anouk. Love her or hate her, and 9 years on I'm still undecided, Anouk is as much a part of modern Dutch culture as weed, prostitutes filling tax returns, and saying 'fuck' on breakfast time radio shows.

She sports a mean tattoo, has a chest worth maiming your fellow man for, and owns a stage like no other Dutch singer.

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Recently, on my way to work I heard an interview on the radio with another Dutch female singer I had never heard of. She proceeded to give the following live performance as a tribute to a friend she had lost just a short while before.

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I was instantly caught up again in one of my 'talent crushes', Sanne Hans (a.k.a Miss Montreal) just oozes sex appeal, a real look, husky voice, and a talent that amazingly hides the fact she speaks with a pronounced stutter.

Long live chicks with guitars.



Please stop with public proposals of marriage.

They make me cringe and secretly hope she has the guts to say no.

If you need the peer pressure of 50,000 spectators to encourage her compliance, it'll never last.

While you're at it, people should stop saying 'hello' to those present when they enter a public bathroom.

It makes me jump, which at best means soap and water on my jumper, or at worst, piss on my fingers.

So, people, stop.

No Netherlands NAMA


The Netherlands DSB bank has been declared bankrupt.

De Nederlandsche Bank (central bank) took control of DSB just a week ago and its owner Dirk Scheringa has been running around trying to find a way to keep it alive ever since.

All of his attempts failed, and the high court wound up the bank this morning.

Scheringa is assigning blame to anyone that looks crossways at him, but the Dutch government are having none of it. They clearly state that the bank's failure was not due to the credit crisis, but to its bad management.

The Dutch government gave assistance to other banks last year, when they proved they were sustainable, something DSB ownership could not do.

In response to Scheringa's claims that his bank was 'brought down', finance minister Wouter Bos simply retorted 'If you drown, it's not because you were not rescued, it's because you could not swim'.

No drawn out process of appeal after appeal at a cost hundreds of thousands, or millions to the state coffers.

No paying over the odds for bad assets.

No taxpayer billions given to support people who have shown themselves to be overwhelmingly untrustworthy, and entirely incapable of running such an institution.

Tomorrow I am going to attempt to explain NAMA to my colleagues, and they will laugh.



Some things just make me 13 again. Snorting with laughter is one, and here is todays reason why....

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Saints, scholars and skid marks


I spotted a news story yesterday that caught my curiosity.

Apparently Ireland is the 5th best place in the world to live, based on human development, according a study by the United Nations Development Programme.

Wonderful! This put it a single place above the Netherlands, and with the US and the UK in 13th and 21st places respectively.

This made me wonder, maybe I have it wrong, maybe Ireland really has changed for the better.

Not just full of paper millionaires and pauper millionaires, but a country that when compared to others, has a positive progressive impact on its people.

Then today my gaze fell upon another story.

A different indication of Ireland's standing in this, the year 2009. This other story tells how a school has been forced to ask parents to have their children bring their own toilet paper to school.


Supposedly better than the 177 countries on the planet, but no fucking bogroll for school kids.

Shake it


Seeing as it's been like a ghost town in here...

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Received in an email, no idea who the owner is.

Qualified idiot


I spent the first six weeks of my college life in the wrong course.

When the mistake was discovered, neither I, nor the college could be bothered to change so I stayed where I was.

And here I am, really this stupid.

Too angry to scrapbook


Poor old Obama can't catch a break.

He goes to give a speech to school going children about the importance of, er, well, school, and he gets accused of all sorts.

The reaction has turned into what has now become standard fare on the US political scene. Hysteria and blind obsession.

This is best summed up by this, not by the content, but by the fact it took me a while to realise it wasn't for real. That speaks volumes.

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Mending tattered clothes


Simply, because I can.

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'Blind as night that finds us all.'

Van Gogh had the right idea


As if it wasn't quite bad enough to start the weekend with an almighty hailstorm, I'm facing into my Friday evening the with worst news imaginable.

I thought it was safe.

I thought I'd never have to face it again outside of crap Irish pubs.

I thought I would live out my life without this drivel rearing its ugly peroxide head.

Just short of twenty years (can you believe that?) after they originally formed, they are back.

I'm pawning my iPod.

Bullbars for bikes?


Two things bug me today.

Lack of consideration, and public displays of affection.

The lack of consideration is self explanatory, people holding up traffic, getting in the way unnecessarily etc.

Displays of affection is more specific. From seasoned, married, older couples I think it's great. It's like a badge you get to wear when you've been there done that.

It irritates me when its carried out by the bebo generation. 16 to 23 year olds declaring undying love for 'Daz', or 'Gav', or 'Babs'. Wearing Yassar Arafat scarfs , shifting outside the supermarket, a single finger hooked inside each others waistband for fear they might get away. All the while oblivious to the fact that he won't stay a Goth forever, and that she will go on the pill and gain weight, and in 6 months they won't even be on speaking terms.

I'm straying from my point.

Combine these two irritations and you might as well poke me in the temple with a knitting needle.

Today, I was held up on my journey, by two people.

Two young people.
Two young people in love.
Two young people in love on bicycles.
Two young people in love on bicycles holding hands.
Two young people in love on bicycles holding hands who wouldn't get out of my fucking way.

And breathe.

The sand artist


Talent is is an aphrodisiac.

I find myself drawn to people who can write, sing, dance, or perform.

I am now besotted with a Ukrainian woman, Kseniya Simonova

Simonova is the winner of the Ukraine's version of Britain's/America's got talent.

While that just sounds silly, you must watch this.

She tells stories, with sand. With fluid strokes, striking images, and subtle progressions from one scene to the next, she tells the story of Germany's occupation of the Ukraine during the war.

To a haunting and moving score, by the light of a sole candle, the porcelain beauty moves the judges and audience to tears.

8 and half minutes long, this is talent, and I love it.

So will you.

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More mes


Google me does interesting stuff like hold up service stations in New Jersey.

Alternative Twitter me, does not.

Not to be mistaken with the real me who gets awoken by the alarm on my mobile phone.

A gem


Emmylou Harris' interpretation of Blackhawk is one of my favourite tracks. Today I found this version of that track by Daniel Lanois.

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There's something just right about the writer's interpretation of a song. I've played it 14 times at the time of writing.


The day posh fainted


There is nothing particularly funny about the case of poor Madeleine McCann.

I must confess, today some breaking news on the story made me chuckle.

Sky news report that police are looking for a Victoria Beckham lookalike in connection with the girl's disappearance.

Then they showed the sketch artist's work.

I get the feeling that Victoria may have spluttered over her coffee this morning, while up in Donegal, a certain crooner may be looking for his passport.




Right, I've had it.

I'm going to box YouTube's ears.

I'm sick to the back teeth of searching for clips of my favourite, hardly heard of, and therefore eclectically cool bands, and having to wade through 500 clips of tone deaf French drop-outs in badly fitting knitted cardigans doing cover versions of said band.

Here's an off the wall idea, how about a refined search that actually returns what we look for first?

What they don't teach in school


Via MSN messenger the other night, a friend shared the following tip with me.

'Oh by the way, drinking while ironing isn't a good idea'

Knowing him as I do, this is undoubtedly borne of personal experience.

I laughed. Heartily.

2 for 1


While I'm correcting the planet's ills, I might as well sweep up and bin this little mess too.

If you have an invitation only blog, you don't need the bloody word verification.

Signing in 14 times and then having to type what I think says 'c0ckr0bb3r' really puts me off my LOLs.

Saving civilisation, one pedantic sulk at a time


Everyone says it.

Everyone from beggars to Bono, but that's no excuse.

Even if it's wrong, once everyone starts to say it, it will become right, and I just can't have that.


ATM = Automated Teller Machine.

So what is 'ATM Machine'?

Stop it. Please.

Not going back - Reason 10,548


“A person who publishes or utters blasphemous matter shall be guilty of an offence and shall be liable upon conviction on indictment to a fine not exceeding €100,000.”

This was signed into Irish law under the defamation bill yesterday.

“Blasphemous matter” is defined as matter “that is grossly abusive or insulting in relation to matters held sacred by any religion, thereby causing outrage among a substantial number of the adherents of that religion; and he or she intends, by the publication of the matter concerned, to cause such outrage.”

Fucking eegits.

Let the suing begin.

'Weird photo of your mother'


One of the most conflicting things about the Dutch is how they barely manage to crack a smile during the day, yet their TV ads are among the funniest around.

Exhibit A:

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You don't need to speak the language to get it.

'Hi Martin...'

There are no words


Forwarded by Jane G. This is only a few miles from my home town.

Would you go back to live there?