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Preview: My broken heart...

My broken heart...



(having fun after mending a broken heart)



Updated: 2016-09-08T12:26:30.865+08:00

 



2010....

2010-01-01T19:27:54.746+08:00

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welcome 2010....

I hope for a better year...

less tears, less heart aches, less memories of a broken heart....

more smiles, more laughter, and more pleasures of the heart....

welcome 2010...

....I hope you wont let me down....



happy yet empty

2009-06-14T21:31:54.863+08:00

life is full of happiness, you don't have to look far and wide, you just have to open your eyes so you may see..

laugh out loud, have party all night, be happy, but is the happiness reaching your heart? or it just simply pass and never touches it?

happiness is not just laughing, partying with girls and having lots of sex but with pleasures of the heart and by the hearts pleasures in order to feel true happiness.

am i making sense?



wish me luck...

2009-05-04T22:19:36.727+08:00

well, no more drinking over the top. Footiam said, "Hey, what happen last night seems like fun. If only you don't have too much vodka and know what happened!"

And well, yeah i guess that makes sense...

but i am still clouded with guilt and shame, i am not that kind of guy and i think changing ones view on some things is not easy as it seems.

but i am getting ready to make one more try, and hope i wouldn't be too scared to make a move..

today is Monday and i still have five more days to think it over, hope i wouldn't change my mind.

I plan to go out on Saturday night and stay as late as possible....

whew... this is new and i say a bit harder than i thought.

wish me luck..... i need it!



for me..

2009-04-21T22:20:13.746+08:00

I haven't tasted any alcohol today, I don't know if that's good news or what, but i just cant keep off thinking about what happened last night. Was that some kind of sick joke?

I came home early today trying to ward off that silly incident and remembered i haven't had dinner yet.

I opened my cup board only to find it empty, I really have to go shopping tomorrow or ill end up in another restaurant for my dinner.

I found a few stuff though, they have been in my fridge for a while but i think they are still edible but i just cant think how to make them into a real decent meal.

Its been a while since i cooked my own food and i think its about time i fix one for myself.

(image) Hot dogs, carrots, lettuce, french fries, and a few slices of squid and a few ripe tomatoes. I was lucky to find mayonnaise and decided to toss a salad, i am not good in cooking but i hope it will be enough to satisfy my hunger.

a few dash of salt, pepper, some herbs, mints and other spices and a few minutes later, dinner is served.

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It was not very appetizing but it sure does satisfied my hunger, the carrots was tender and crispy and it sure went well with the tomatoes, lettuce and the fries and hot dogs was wonderful.

I only hope i could sleep tonight and not go out again to drink just to sleep.



One night only..

2009-04-20T07:03:16.188+08:00

I don't know what happened last night, I was too drunk to remember, or i guess i choose not to remember .

I was on the bar with my vodka when a young and beautiful lady approached me and is obviously in flirting mode and what was i thinking? I woke up and she was there beside me in my pad, in my bed, and totally naked.

Its monday morning and i have work so i insisted she has to go. This is absolutely some kind of madness, lots of girls have been flirting with me but i choose to ignore them but this time i kind of gave in to her temptation.

And to think, i don't remember her name, or number..

Oh geez, is this what they call a one night stand?

Was i that too naive?



Direction...

2009-04-19T18:56:48.194+08:00

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Another week gone and wasted, and another one about to start, but i am still having a hard time coping up with the headache i had from too much drinking vodka last night.

I usually don't have any hangover after drinking but i remember i had different mix of alcohol last night and that should have cause my head to ache.

But that's alright, i had been asleep all day, but the problem is will i be able to sleep tonight..

I am planning to go out again latter tonight but i really don't have any idea where to go..

I think i need to go somewhere else, A place to think and re asses my life.....

Again...



Bottoms up my Friend...

2009-04-16T15:54:07.721+08:00

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I'm back into drinking again, and this time there's no such thing as moderation, it's more like drink all you can, drink as fast as you could, the faster you get drunk the faster you sleep.




Don't preach about things alcohol will do to my health, I already know that but i need to forget and the fastest way to forget is to get drunk and sleep soundly as possible.





Yes, I know this is wrong but I am not out of my mind, I have to do this, I need to escape, I need to feel numb, I need to forget.




It is so easy for you to say, "Get a Life", but do you have a guide on how?





I had been lost, and the light that gave me direction simply vanished, do you know how hard and painful that can be?





It would be very easy for you to say "I do", but do you really know? or your just saying that to cheer me up?





My mind is clouded with pain, frustration and anger at the moment, I need time to heal the pain and rearrange my life.





I don't need your criticism, and preaching, I need your guidance and understanding.








Bottoms up my friend...



beginning...

2009-04-08T18:18:25.359+08:00

Life had been very cruel to me, I had been battered with lots of emotional ups and down for as long as i remember. I thought it came to end when i finally met Lulay, unfortunately she was gone.

And here I am, alone, deserted, and feeling neglected again.

I thought i was about to write happy moments to share with you, I thought my blog will be filled with entries full of hope and happiness, but then i spoke to soon, and here i am writing another stuff from my broken heart.

I cannot refrain from crying, my heart just can no longer contain the hurt and loneliness, I just want to cry my heart out, the loss, the pain, and the feeling of loneliness just keep pulling me down to the abyss of darkness, and i am left with this broken dreams, and another broken heart.

Have i been so bad that i am being punished and all those that i love just cannot be with me?

Why have you left me Lulay? why did god take you away from me? He knew i need you, He knew you make me whole again, but why does he keep on punishing me? Have i done great evil that i deserve this?

I wanted to hate GOD, for being so selfish. For taking away everything that i love, but who am i to do that? I am just one of his creation. They say GOD love all that he created but am I an exemption?

OH GOD! Please help me, give me strength to face all the trials you brought upon me. Guide me and please do not release my hand from your grasp, i need you to help me as i journey in this troubled path.

I feel i had been battered to much, i cant take it anymore.

HELP ME, SAVE ME, GUIDE ME, that i will be able to reach another day with the promise of a good sunrise.



refocus..

2009-03-20T22:52:06.081+08:00

I've been drowning my self with work lately. I even ask my office mates to show me how things are done that i might be of help to them.

They think i am just being helpful but they don't know i am just trying to help my self.

I want to tire myself, so tired that if i go home, i will no more have time to think and think of lulay. I want and i need to be asleep as soon i reach my pad.

And i think my strategy is working, and i am gaining more and more friends.

I don't know if what i am doing is good and right, but i need to refocus my attention.

I don't want to be in pain again. I need to move on, but as of the moment i need to reinforce my heart by tiring my body and mind, so it will just be numb and feel no more emotions.

I know this will pass. This is what Lulay wants, for me to stand whenever i fall.

Its hard but i have to do it...

I love you Lulay, wherever you are, watch and guide me...



...

2009-03-19T06:57:26.644+08:00

Why do heart's always remember and forgot to forget?

I was wondering why my heart seem to remember everything? Even the smallest and simplest detail of a certain event is so vivid that everything looks and feel like it just happened yesterday.

Looks like my heart was never taught how to forget and was only taught to remember.




My Angel..

2009-02-28T18:26:11.894+08:00

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I just lost an Angel. I want to talk to her and ask why she has to leave, but i don't know how, I have so many questions but i know all these will remain unanswered.

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I just hope she is happy wherever she may be... I hope she is waiting for me, ...

I just lost an angel but i know that same angel is watching over me...



Goodbye Lulay, My bestfriend.....

2009-02-07T18:57:34.050+08:00

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I found someone whom i considered best friend, in times of pain and loneliness she had been my constant company, she may have not feel the pain, but i know she truly understand it, and that's why i loved her so much, a friend, an older sister, and sometimes a mother .

Unfortunately the friendship is short lived, she left me again, and her loss left me more pain and despair.

I don't understand why she have to go, and i don't understand why so soon, have i done something wrong and God is punishing me? Am i too bad that people i love and care have to leave me?

With her assistance, care and love, i felt my heart wounds slowly healing and the pain slowly fading away.

But now with her loss i am again lost, feeling empty and even more forsaken.

She will be cremated tomorrow. I want to accept the fact that she is gone and we will never meet again in this life but my heart just don't want to accept it.

I want to dedicate this note to my best friend "Lulay". Wherever you are, you will always be in my heart and mind. I love you friend, and i miss you so much and i will always miss you.

Her death is too big for me to handle, she was the only friend i got, but this time i am stronger, i know that because that is what she always tells me and that's what she wants me to be. I don't know how to continue life without her guidance and love, but i will find a way, she had been my inspiration and even she left me, her star will always shine for me, FOREVER!

Goodbye and thank you friend, till we meet again...



on remembering..

2009-01-20T22:40:12.384+08:00

(image) 2008 is now just a memory, weather it be good or bad everything is now just a parcel of our life, a part that completes the cycle of good and bad and a memory that will last forever.

Every year we are given a blank paper, and as the year progresses we write our life through our experiences in it, some will be written in pure black ink and will be remembered forever and others will be forgotten and will just be a blotch of ink in our paper.

2008 is one of the best year in my life. Though occasional thunderstorm came i remained rooted and now that the year has ended, to reminisce and enjoy the lessons we learned is the best way to remember and thank the year that has been.

I was once an ordinary boy who live in the memories of the past. Who think that these memories will always make me happy, but then i realized i was living in the past for too long, and these memories do more damage then help me. The time has come for me to stand and continue my journey and leave the past behind.

The confrontation of the past and the present is still a big battle for me, there are still times when i open my eyes in the middle of the night and wonder where i am.

I know i am still trapped in the middle of a crossroad one leading to the past and the other to the present. I know i have to make a step and decide, but then the big realization to make a step is already a big step for me, and i thank 2008 has finally come to tell me "Hey, you better start another journey or your journey ends here".

To "relive" the memory of the past is not an option but to make another memory that would finally fill in the gap made by lingering and living too long with these memories.

2009 is here to stay, and i hope as i am handed another leaf of paper to write another parcel of my life, i hope the journey will be something i will cherish and remember forever not because i have a "broken heart" but because my heart finally starts to live again.

A journey to remember that would give me inspiration to strive harder and believe that love will find a way to heal a heart broken to pieces.





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For Me...

2008-12-21T22:47:14.787+08:00

I think this one is written for me....ice cream, alcohol, meaningless hookups: the go-to antidotes for a bad breakup are often about distraction rather than relief. What's more, they tend to injure more than assuage, as if the breakup itself didn't cause enough pain. 10 healthy ways to deal with getting dumped that don't include booze, food or flings: 1. Buy the Dumped! Fun and Games Activity Book, which offers such whimsical games as “I Cried to Smell Few (I Tried to Tell You).” Help broken-hearted “Sam” decipher what his friends have been telling him about his now ex-girlfriend in lines such as “Why stink clue fan screw fetter.” Translation: “I think you can do better.” 2. Surround yourself with happy people. Recent research from Harvard and the University of California, San Diego shows happiness is “infectious,” so take up with a group of friends or organization that you know is high on life. 3. Log on to justbeendumped.wordpress.com and submit your breakup e-mails or IM conversations. The names are changed, so it's an anonymous way to have complete strangers tell you what a jerk he was. Your friends need a break anyway. 4. Listen to these top 10 breakup songs of the year. From Pink to Kanye, these tunes are all about getting back on your feet. 5. Learn boxing. Boxinggyms.com lists location around the country. Get angry—then get ripped. 6. Give your home a makeover. Following feng shui principles can help you clear out the emotional and physical clutter from your previously shared space. 7. Get even without getting a restraining order: practice your frustrations on a voodoo doll instead. 8. Write. Whether on a blog, in a journal or in a letter you may decide never to send, getting the words from brain to paper or screen can improve your mental and physical health. 9. Volunteer for a cause you feel passionate about or to help those whose plight might give you a new perspective on your own. VolunteerMatch can help you find the right place and the right time. 10. Fall in love with a new scent. Learn to associate the smell of a new perfume, candle, flower or detergent—even—with your new, improved and single self. Take a sniff everytime the breakup blues arise. Of course, sometimes a glass (ok, or a botttle) of wine, meeting someone new or buying a hot new dress is the just what the doctor ordered. Ultimately, do what feels right to you.from yahoo news...... [...]



Defeated?..

2008-12-13T07:36:51.174+08:00

I know life is a gift from a supreme being. We are here for a reason and a purpose that we need to find and understand.

We are soldiers sent on a mission but the mission is highly classified. Communication is unclear for only through prayers that we send back to him our reports and improvements. You may sometimes doubt if your reports are heard and lose trust, but responses to your reports are send back to you but only the heart and soul could feel and understand.

But what will you do if the only thing that receives back the responses of your report is broken?

When during the war your heart was broken, you may be able to fix it and put the pieces together but it could no longer function very well.

That's why we have our soul. To accompany the heart and serves as a battery pack.

And that's what I a trying to do...

Though its not easy and still unclear how, but I am beginning to figure it out.

I hope somehow, my heart would soon recharge and make me feel that long lost rhythm of life..

Thank you to all those that helped me stand when my heart could no longer accept the blows of a human emotions...



my cautious heart...

2008-11-13T20:59:22.454+08:00

The emptiness in my heart is growing faster and heavier. I don't know how to stop it and i don't know if it will end.

I think i tried all things to make it stop and live again, unfortunately the emptiness is slowly drowning me.

The past few months was great. I learned to go out and had some party. I even smiled and laughed my heart out, but then it stopped living again.

I remember my heart beating fast for the first time in so many years. The excitement and thrill was tremendous that i thought it will stay that way, but then here i am alone and feeling miserable again.

I am feeling lost and empty. I feel as if there's no more hope...

For the past weeks i tried partying again, but the music, the wine and the company do not offer the same excitement, as if the glaze of the melted sugar coating the party was lost and the sugar itself lost its sweet taste.

I tried doing my favorite past time, driving along the country road, but the sight that amazes me no longer make me sigh with relief and fill me with compassion.

As though i just got tired of everything and the climb to the summit is no longer rewarding.

As if my heart is saying "I've seen that!", "I'm tired and I'm bored"...

As if the question "What now?" is hanging in the air around me....

I think i need help...



I...

2008-11-07T20:45:47.607+08:00

I thought i had my heart fixed! I thought everything is healed, but why cant i feel my heart beat again?

I had been hurt and lived through it for a very long time, and i thought i am ready to live and love again, but i don't know whats wrong or whats not right. Have i lived alone for so long that my heart was accustomed to being alone?

How many nights i wished i had someone in my arms to hold, to care and to love, but it seems my heart is no longer capable of loving.

I looked and take a second look on everyone but they just don't make a spark that could ignite the fire in my heart.

Am i just rushing things or is this my punishment in imprisoning my heart in long lost love?

I am again in the verge of collapsing, of being lost and in despair...

I thought i had all planed and i know where i am going but then i don't know....

I smiled and laughed and i thought my heart smiled and laughed with me...

I am not getting any younger but i don't want to fail in love again...

Is my heart just cautious?

or my heart is dead?

-----------------------------------

I hope someone will come soon and save it...




Guy Rules....

2008-11-01T10:03:01.710+08:00

1. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers. 2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances: a) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse b) After wrecking your boss' Ferrari c) When your date is using her teeth 4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her. 6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes 7. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 8. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.) 9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 10 You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend. 11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free. 12. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 13. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see nothin'. 14. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean. 15. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan. 16. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. 17. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c) Another set and we can hit the showers! d) Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius? 18. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. 19. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone, hang up if necessary. 20. When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up eithe[...]



LIFE...

2008-10-30T21:39:59.346+08:00

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hmmmm...

2008-10-23T21:14:11.803+08:00

well, I think i am finally back in the blogger's world, the reports and meetings finally subsided and the new branch of our business is up and running, and i am very ready to accept a more peaceful and relax life. Just me and my computer and an office just me updating my blog haha.

How funny when things happen, everything just pour out, like a heavy rain and you just don't know where to go just not to get wet and feel bad about it.

But sometimes the more you hide and fell sorry about the rain the more you become alone and lonely.

But when you start facing and learning to have fun in the rain that you would be more productive, and more happy about it.

The rain may make us wet and drain in rain water, but water is a source of life.

Next time if rain come pouring again, why don't you try and take a splash? enjoy it and learn to love it, because rain is a part of our life, if we see the rain as an enemy, now i think is the right time to make it an ally.

wow... did i make sense? hehehe



Just looking back...

2008-10-12T22:33:45.398+08:00

I hated numbers as a student. I sometimes fell asleep in classes that dealt with numbers, well, okey I always sleep and skip my mathematics class. I am confused with the long solutions they present in every mathematical problem. I don't know why the solution have to be very long and confusing. And i don't have any interest in them.

I love stories and poems so i took Literature as a major, and i did well. Unfortunately fate played its trick and i was suddenly enveloped in a job that does not only include numbers but live with numbers.

I detest the job and plan on quitting, but then an angel just made me love numbers, made me understand and use them in my daily life. Well sometimes if you're in love, There's nothing you can do for the one that you love, and wella! Here I am numbers all around me, long solutions for a very simple mathematical problem and a mathematical problem that sometimes trick and treat you!

I learned to love the job and i really cared and love it and was rewarded! Unfortunately the angel who taught me love what i am doing took its flight and never came back in my arms.

I still remember her sometimes but the fellings no longer hurts. I remember the girl but i dont remember the feelings anymore hehe.

I am just very thankful she helped me love numbers.

I dont know why i am writting this maybe just to show my gratitude for her efforts and her efforts was not put to waste.

I was slumped for a long time for her lost but now i am ready to face her and say thank you without any hurt feelings in my heart.



hmmmm....

2008-10-09T22:45:53.551+08:00

I had been very busy for the last few days. Meetings, reports and deadlines seemed to have all dumped in my table and my life was just in complete chaos.

Wheew! what a week, I really have to remember this month and i hope it will never happen again.

Now at least the rush finally subsided and i hope the tranquil life i had before will now once more handed to me hehehe.

I really want to forget how many aspirin i took just to ease the pain of headache and to finally rest my eyes that only had an hour or so to rest for the past week and to finally rest my mind from the worries of the accounting world.

Numbers, debit, and credit is starting to haunt me and follow me even in my dreams.... And more formulas, and variances are trying to ruin my life.

But then they're just part of my job, I choose and love this job so i have to enjoy all the nightmares and headaches that goes with it hehe.

Wish me luck, I need it ....

And hopefully to have more time with my blog, seemed like my blog is becoming more like a xerox machine haha..



some rules..

2008-09-28T08:03:15.140+08:00

Rules For Men


1. The Female always makes The Rules.

2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. (If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.)

7. (If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.)

8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times.

14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.

15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.

16. At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining.

17. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!


and that is amazing hahaha!!




Life Before the Computer

2008-09-27T23:18:43.378+08:00


An
application was for employment
A
program was a TV show
A
cursor used profanity
A
keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A
CD was a bank account
And if you had a
3 � inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you
unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A
mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a
backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A
web was a spider's home
And a
virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!



How to hire people

2008-09-25T07:35:22.103+08:00

Put about 100 bricks in no particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.

  • If they are counting the bricks ... Put them in the accounts department.
  • If they are recounting them. Put them in auditing.
  • If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks. Put them in engineering.
  • If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order. Put them in planning.
  • If they are throwing the bricks at each other. Put them in operations.
  • If they are sleeping. Put them in reception
  • If they have broken the bricks into pieces. Put them in information technology.
  • If they are sitting idle. Put them in human resources.
  • If they say they have tried different combination's, yet not a brick has been moved. Put them in sales.
  • If they have already left for the day. Put them in marketing.
  • If they are staring out of the window. Put them on strategic planning. And then last but not least.
  • If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved. Congratulate them and put them in top management!
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