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Preview: your L is not F

your L is not F



Fuck My Life is an ongoing collection of anectodes about bad shit. I noticed that too many FMLs (funny as they might be) wouldn’t be FMLs if the persons knew how to not take themeselves so seriously. What they need is a little perspective. I’m here t



 



fmylife: Today, my boyfriend was in the middle of fingering me. A few minutes after he had been...

Wed, 07 Jul 2010 04:05:33 -0400

fmylife:

Today, my boyfriend was in the middle of fingering me. A few minutes after he had been rubbing my clitoris, I was about to finishing climaxing, he stopped and said “Hmm, your girl part feels like the scroll ball on my cell phone.” He was serious. FML(image)

Does he have a HTC Hero? ‘Cause he ain’t lying.




fmylife: Today, it was 90 degrees. The house was already burning hot, and I stupidly decided to...

Sun, 02 May 2010 19:39:36 -0400

fmylife:

Today, it was 90 degrees. The house was already burning hot, and I stupidly decided to take a hot shower. Half way through my shower, I got dizzy and decided to step out so I could cool down. I got out, but passed out leaning on my toilet. I woke up with my face being soaked in unflushed toilet water. FML(image)

Why do people not flush!

Unbelievable.




fmylife: Today, I stole a bite of my boyfriend’s hamburger. He threw a fit, saying I took too big a...

Thu, 04 Mar 2010 20:56:14 -0500

fmylife:

Today, I stole a bite of my boyfriend’s hamburger. He threw a fit, saying I took too big a bite and I had to replace it with a new, more expensive one. Afterwards, he said how lucky I was he didn’t break up with me then and there. FML(image)

You should have broken up with him then and there.




fmylife: Today, I was watching Pokemon with my daughter when she told me that I reminded her of her...

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 12:01:53 -0500

fmylife:

Today, I was watching Pokemon with my daughter when she told me that I reminded her of her favorite Pokemon. Feeling good about it, I asked which one. She pointed to the screen and said “Snorlax!” The fat and lazy one. FML(image)

Your daughter likes you, and compares you to her favorite, which should mean she sees something pretty damn positive in the both of you, and that’s a problem? That’s no problem. That’s whining. Your L is not F.




fmylife: Today, after dating for almost five years, my boyfriend stated that I have a “perfect and...

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 11:57:00 -0500

fmylife:

Today, after dating for almost five years, my boyfriend stated that I have a “perfect and amazing personality” but that my looks are not what he “envisioned himself spending the rest of his life with.” In other words, I’m ugly. FML(image)

I don’t know why you’d ever wanna spend your life with someone like that. Your L is not F. In fact, it’s been saved, because know you don’t have to waste more time that fool.




Today, I looked in my pocket for the phone number of a girl I met last night at a party. I...

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 10:44:54 -0400

Today, I looked in my pocket for the phone number of a girl I met last night at a party. I remembered us talking and exchanging phone numbers. When I found the piece of paper, I discovered that instead of writing her number down, I had drunkenly written down my own. FML(image)

Don’t you worry about it, she would have broken your heart anyway.




Today, I realized that a Ph.D. in Mechanical Engineering does not offer enough knowledge and...

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 11:27:23 -0400

Today, I realized that a Ph.D. in Mechanical Engineering does not offer enough knowledge and experience to accomplish some simple, everyday tasks. I have spent the last 12 years designing large robots to scour the seabed for shipwrecks yet the mechanism used to unhook a bra eludes me. FML(image)

Dude, this means that you’re like almost every man out there. Degrees or intelligence doesn’t mather, the science of unhooking the bra is not meant for man to master easily. Your L is not F, it’s just L.




Today, I was sitting at the park with a friend when a small child approached us. Just as moved off...

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 10:26:32 -0400

Today, I was sitting at the park with a friend when a small child approached us. Just as moved off the bridge to let the kid play, he asked if I would like to play the troll under the bridge. I laughed and said no thanks, to which the kid responded ‘but there is nobody else ugly enough.’ FML(image)

And I keep on questioning why people take childrens games and silly things they say so fucking serious. You’re a fucking idiot. Seriously. Get over it.




Today, my friend told me that semen was inflammable. Later at night I jacked off into a sock and...

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 10:21:00 -0400

Today, my friend told me that semen was inflammable. Later at night I jacked off into a sock and then, excitedly, tried to lit the sock on fire. Turns out, semen is very much not inflammable. Naked, I shook my sock in the air so it would extinguish while my semen splashed out all over my room. FML(image)

You’re stupid.

Serious. Other people have come down on you for not knowing that flammable and inflammable is the same thing. I won’t. I think it seems like an pretty natural mistake, considering how opposite words usually are build. That’s not what makes you stupid. What makes you stupid, is that you failed to realize, that even if the semen couldn’t catch fire, the sock would. How, how, how could you not understand that your sock would turn on fire? How, how, how stupid are you really?




Today, my mom put some bubblewrap on my desk because she thought I would have fun with it. I’m 18....

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 10:15:00 -0400

Today, my mom put some bubblewrap on my desk because she thought I would have fun with it. I’m 18. It was awesome. FML(image)

Why do some people believe that having fun is fucking up their lives?




Today, I realized that my company’s calendar is synchronized throughout the whole building. The...

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 10:14:00 -0400

Today, I realized that my company’s calendar is synchronized throughout the whole building. The entire company now knows that I had sex with my wife last Wednesday and Friday, and that I went out with a girl named Janet on Saturday. My wife’s name is Julie, and she works in the same building. FML(image)

So now everybody knows a married couple had sex? A MARRIED COUPLE HAD SEX! Oh, the horror… now, shut this fucking whining up and do some more fucking instead.




Today, at work, someone heard me throw up. I then got called aside and told being hungover at work...

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 10:14:00 -0400

Today, at work, someone heard me throw up. I then got called aside and told being hungover at work is unacceptable. I don’t drink. I’m pregnant. FML(image)

Is being pregnant at work acceptable? If yes, then what’s the problem? Your L is not F.




Today, I enlisted for The Navy because my Boy Scout leader encouraged me. He fought in Korea and is...

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 10:13:00 -0400

Today, I enlisted for The Navy because my Boy Scout leader encouraged me. He fought in Korea and is a real inspiration. I asked him what motivated him to join The Navy. He said he was drunk and didn’t remember joining until he was called up. FML(image)

Even when you do things for the wrong, it can lead to good things. Even if your Boy Scout leader enlisted for the wrong reason, the fact that he got there might be what made him an inspiration. You should understand this. The fact that you don’t, makes me believe that you will never ever be even half the man he is.

Also, I think you’re kind of stupid for enlisting to begin with, but that’s just my personal feeling toward this war and weapons stuff.




Today, I left the house for a while and when I came back my husband was wearing my lacy lingerie. He...

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 09:39:29 -0400

Today, I left the house for a while and when I came back my husband was wearing my lacy lingerie. He looks better in it than I do. FML(image)

Don’t knock it, enjoy it. Sounds to me like your sex life just got a healthy injection of awesome energy.




Today, I went on a blind date a girl from work had set me up with. Apparently my co-worker thinks...

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 09:08:00 -0400

Today, I went on a blind date a girl from work had set me up with. Apparently my co-worker thinks I’m gay. FML(image)

And I still don’t get why it’s problem when other people think you’re gay. I really don’t. I mean, you just have to tell the girl you were set up with that you’re not, and tell your co-worker that she got the facts straight, and that’s that. Problem solved. Do you know how you don’t solve the problem? By whining on the web. So stop that, ‘cause your L is not F, you fucking homophobe.




Today, I was at the movies with my mom and dad and the preview to my “My Sisters Keeper” came on....

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 09:03:00 -0400

Today, I was at the movies with my mom and dad and the preview to my “My Sisters Keeper” came on. The trailor started out with “Most babies are accidents…” right as that line was finished my mom elbowed me and laughed. FML(image)

Can’t take a joke, can you?

Also, since when is an unplanned child less loved than a planned one? Answer is, since never. Grow the fuck up and stop whining like a little bitch. Your L is not F.




Today, I went to my 7 year old son’s school for a conference with his teacher. When I got there, the...

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 08:58:00 -0400

Today, I went to my 7 year old son’s school for a conference with his teacher. When I got there, the teacher said “she adored me for who and what I am”. I was puzzled. Turns out my son told his class that I am a “lesbian American.” Wrong. I’m Lebanese-American. FML(image)

And please, do tell, why is this, a simple mistake of words from a young child, why is this enough of a big deal to F up your L? Answer is, it’s not. Your L is not F but I think your attitude towards homosexuals might be. Homophobic much?




Today, my girlfriend went on a trip to see her “sick” father with her young attractive male friend....

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 08:55:58 -0400

Today, my girlfriend went on a trip to see her “sick” father with her young attractive male friend. I asked if I could come too but she said there isn’t enough room in the car. I didn’t mind till I realized that she drove a 4 door SUV and her father died 2 years ago. FML(image)

I don’t know which one of you two are more stupid, you for not remembering her daddy’s dead (how do you forget that?!) or her for using that excuse. Stupid people. Stupid, stupid, stupid.




Today, I was shopping for rings with my fiancée. We spent over 2 hours selecting the perfect ring...

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 08:54:23 -0400

Today, I was shopping for rings with my fiancée. We spent over 2 hours selecting the perfect ring and diamond to match. When filling out the paperwork I discovered I left my wallet at home. She had to pay the 20% down payment for the ring. FML(image)

It’s a sad state of the world if a little equality between the sexes is enough to F up your L. Why shouldn’t she be able to pay the down payment, heck, even if you do pay it, why shouldn’t she be able to pay until you pay her back? Fuck you, you two are a good example for why humanity haven’t gotten any further.




Today, I called the police regarding people speeding down my street because I was worried for my...

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 08:50:54 -0400

Today, I called the police regarding people speeding down my street because I was worried for my young kids. On the way home from my daughters ballet class I got pulled over 2 houses away from my house and got a $150 speeding ticket. FML(image)

Just to spell it out, okay, you called the cops yourself and still decieded to drive over the limit? Or worse, you’re worried about your own kids safety but doesn’t give a fuck about others?

This doesn’t mean your L is F, it means you’re stupid and probably an asshole.