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Contact Church Signs I’ve Written Comedy Sketches I’ve Written Jokes and other things I’ve Written Me Doing Standup



 



Some Monologue Jokes I Wrote

Sat, 17 Feb 2018 13:20:40 -0800

I keep them here so they can stay together like a family: Donald and Melania Trump dined together last Saturday at Trump’s DC hotel. The only time things got less tense was when a disgraced Reince Priebus brought them the wine list.Amazon is laying off hundreds of employees in the company’s retail divisions. The employees would be vomiting out of fear if they were allowed to use the bathroom.The Kansas secretary of state has ruled that a dog cannot run for governor in the state. Although its excrement is still allowed in the state’s science textbooks.Jerry Seinfeld told Ellen DeGeneres that a revival of his sitcom is possible. It actually began in 1994 and was called Friends.Omarosa was reportedly fired from the Trump administration for abusing the White House car service. In her defense, she was just trying to be a pal and let Gary Busey sleep in there.A TV station in Chicago mistakenly used a Winter Olympics graphic that confused Pyeongchang for P.F. Chang’s. They congratulated the U.S. team for their silver medal in Cecilia’s Pork Dumplings.A study found that Americans who join ISIS are disappointed by the experience. But the healthcare plan is still way less sadistic.Steve Bannon was interrogated for 20 hours this week as part of special counsel Robert Mueller’s Russia investigation. There were frequent breaks so Bannon could tend to his beans he was cooking over an open fire in the middle of the conference room.Hannah Simone of “New Girl” will star in ABC’s upcoming remake of “The Greatest American Hero”. It will be based on the person who figures out how to put the headphone jack back in the iPhone.Beck, Dave Matthews, and Foo Fighters will headline this year’s Ottawa Bluesfest. After the music is done the festival will hold a symposium on what do about the upcoming Y2K fears.Monday was Abraham Lincoln’s birthday. He received so many well-wishes that he was too tired at the end of the day to roll over in his grave.In Washington Monday, the official portraits of Barack and Michelle Obama were unveiled. If you squint really hard at them you can see Ellen dancing in the corner. A viral video out of Hong Kong shows a giant boar nicknamed “pigzilla”, going through a dumpster. So congratulations to Golden Corral for finding a new spokesperson.A guy flew his girlfriend to Ireland to treat her to a concert by the Red Hot Chili Peppers, but accidentally bought tickets to see bagpipe band Red Hot Chilli Pipers. To make the couple feel better the bagpipers changed all their songs to be about a 50-year-old dude having sex with California.Chris Long, the Eagles defensive end, will donate his entire salary this season to charity. It’s a Philadelphia-based charity that manufactures more throwable batteries.Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu might get indicted for bribery this week. Just to be safe, the U.S. government has sent him 3 billion dollars for gas money to get to the courthouse.The Army stripped a star from Maj. Gen. Joseph Harrington and forced him to retire after he was caught flirting on social media with the wife of an enlisted man, which is the first time someone was stripped in the Army without them looking the other way afterward.Piers Morgan has accused Omarosa of offering him sex to win the season of “Celebrity Apprentice” they both appeared on. Piers isn’t angry about it, he just wants people to know that someone once offered him sex.[...]



MOVIE OF THE DAYKiller Of Sheep1978written & directed by...

Sat, 17 Feb 2018 10:22:59 -0800

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MOVIE OF THE DAY

Killer Of Sheep

1978

written & directed by Charles Burnett

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I Ranked All The Best Cursive Songs For You Earnest Early-2000s Folk

Thu, 15 Feb 2018 10:00:21 -0800

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20. “Semantics of Sermon”

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19. “A Disruption in the Normal Swing of Things"

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18. “Caveman”

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17. “I Couldn’t Love You”

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16. “The Rhyme Scheme”

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15. “Driftwood: A Fairy Tale”

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14. “The Recluse”

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13. “A Little Song and Dance”

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12. “The Martyr”

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11. “Staying Alive”

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10. “Fairytales Tell Tales”

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9. “The Great Decay”

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8. “Sierra”

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7. “A Gentleman Caller”

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6. “From The Hips”

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5. “Dorothy At Forty”

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4. “Rise Up! Rise Up!”

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3. “Art Is Hard”

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2. “Sink To The Beat”

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1. “Some Red-Handed Sleight Of Hand”

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(For some god forsaken reason, I’ve done many more of these.)







SONG OF THE DAYBruce Springsteen“Valentine’s Day”from the 1987...

Wed, 14 Feb 2018 14:25:02 -0800

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SONG OF THE DAY

Bruce Springsteen

“Valentine’s Day”

from the 1987 album Tunnel Of Love 

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SONG OF THE DAYArctic Monkeys“Crying Lightning”2009

Tue, 13 Feb 2018 08:22:55 -0800

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SONG OF THE DAY

Arctic Monkeys

“Crying Lightning”

2009

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Trump’s Infrastructure Plan Puts Burden on State and Private...

Tue, 13 Feb 2018 08:02:54 -0800

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Trump’s Infrastructure Plan Puts Burden on State and Private Money - The New York Times

But your local country club will have its nearby streets lined with the most up-to-date lawn jockeys!













SONG OF THE DAYKing Geedorah“Fastlane”from the 2003 album Take...

Mon, 12 Feb 2018 10:42:14 -0800

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SONG OF THE DAY

King Geedorah

“Fastlane”

from the 2003 album Take Me To Your Leader

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