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Preview: Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit

A weight loss blog

Updated: 2018-03-23T11:53:39.104-05:00


Girth Just Ain't Any Fun


allow="autoplay; encrypted-media" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="" width="560"> I’m starin’ hard in the refrigerator light.My wife asks when you gonna get your diet right.Jackie dear, you’re on an unfortunate run.And girth just ain’t any fun.Oh, girth just ain’t any fun.  Sorry, I haven't forgotten about this space, but I'm afraid I've forgotten how a scale works. Do you just hold it in your hands? Press it against your forehead? I've tried everything![...]

Health without All the Health Doodads


• Instead of an expensive heart rate monitor, simply make best friends with a nurse who'll check your numbers whenever you ask.• Instead of buying a home treadmill, install a sidewalk that goes all around your neighborhood.• Instead of buying expensive running shoes, simply try on some expensive running shoes and "accidentally" walk out wearing them (better be prepared to try those suckers out soon depending on alertness of security guard).• Instead of purchasing an expensive juicer, try beating the hell out of whatever you want to juice with a heavy mallet.• Instead of taking a Segway around the running track, try running on your own two legs.• Instead of buying expensive bicycling suit that makes you look ridiculous, simply cover your body with fluorescent spray paint in ridiculous design.• Instead of purchasing bottled water try filling a bottle with water, dumbass.• Instead of joining a fitness center, make your entire world the center of fitness.Instead of buying fresh, organic fruits and vegetables, try having a generous friend with a garden full of fresh, • organic fruits and vegetables• Instead of buying expensive Greek yogurt, try Greeking up some regular yogurt.• Instead of reading my blog on the Internet, sign up for Jumpin' Jack's Health Facts Fax.[...]

Be Your Bestest!


GOOD: You walked a mile on the treadmill.GOODER: You ran a 5K on the treadmill.BESTEST: You made it to the end of the treadmill.GOOD: You buy lots of produce at the grocery store.GOODER: You buy organic produce at the grocery store.BESTEST: You grow your own vegetables in your bathtub.GOOD: A co-worker commented on your weight loss.GOODER: A friend you haven’t seen in a while is shocked how great you look.BESTEST: Your mother makes you show her some ID.GOOD: You’re taking the stairs instead of the elevator.GOODER: You’re biking to work instead of driving.BESTEST: You’re doing an Ironman triathalon instead of going to staff meeting.GOOD: Salad for lunch.GOODER: Salad for dinner.BESTEST: Salad for breakfast.GOOD: You do 50 situps every day.GOODER: You do 50 situps every hour.BESTEST: You never stop doing situps.GOOD: You do yoga, pilates or Zumba.GOODER: You do yoga, pilates and ZumbaBESTEST: You do yoga, pilates and Zumba, all at the same time.GOOD: You achieved your goal rate on your heart rate monitor.GOODER: You exceeded your goal rate on your heart rate monitor.BESTEST: Your activity level melted your heart rate monitor.GOOD: You feel comfortable being in public in a swimsuit.GOODER: You feel comfortable being in public in a bikini.BESTEST: Hello, nude beach!GOOD: You’ve lost 20 lbs.GOODER: You’ve lost 20% of your starting weight.BESTEST: You’ve lost the bad habits that got you in trouble in the first place.[...]

Something to Bear in Mind...


Two men where hiking one day out in the forest. Suddenly, they came across a bear. One man took off his pack, pulled out a pair of running shoes, and started to put them on. The friend frantically cried out, “You can't outrun that bear.”“I don't need to,” the other man calmly replied. “I only need to outrun you.”Upon hearing this plan, the man whipped a lead pipe out of his pack and cracked it against his buddy’s knees, then took off running.Moral of the story: it’s okay to have a plan, but you don’t need to run your mouth about it before you enact it. Secret weight loss moral of the story:  Don’t tell people that you’re on a diet; do it and let them take notice when the results kick in. Also, don’t mess with bears.[...]

Healthy Halloween “Treats”


• This Can’t Be Butterfingers•  Kit-Kale bar• Raisinots (Raisinets without the chocolate covering)• No-candy corn• Atomic Figballs• Almond Joyless (just a bunch of raw almonds)• Good & Not-So-Plenty• Health bar•  Skim Milky Way•  1 Muskateer bar•  Bit-O-Hominy • Sugar-free Sugar Babies• Caramel apple with the caramel scrapped off • Everfasting No-Snackers[...]

Don't Punish Yourself... That's My Job!


Confush*t Say…… person who think he can lose weight while drinking ocean of orange soda  living in a Fanta sea.…person who wants to look like a stud muffin should lay off the cupcakes.…person who eats too much guac and chips should increase their ava-cardio.…person who eats lots of lettuce finds it easier to romaine in good shape.…person often find they gain weight by snaccident.…person who use low sodium soy sauce on his sushi wasabi with his lower salt intake.…person who eat plenty of fresh fruit live to ripe old age. …person who likes ice cream finds a little goes a wrong weigh.…person who gets in a little sweat find it good for the swole. …person finally gets act together when they’re thick and tired of it all.Confush*t recognizes the importanceof good health, but always believes youshould eat ice cream if it’s sherbet day.Confush*t's motto:
Don't sweat the petty stuff, pet the sweaty stuff
or stuff the cheesy puffs.[...]

A Few Things That’ll Definitely Get You Kicked Out of a Weight Watchers Meeting


• Spend entire meeting making elaborate candy corn sculptures• Take a knee during the singing of the Weight Watcher’s anthem• Write everyone’s weight on their forehead with a Sharpie• Wheel in a wagon filled with steaming hot taco meat• Scream “I’M SO DAMN HUNGRY” every five minutes• Wear pants made out of fruit leather• Set a fire in your purse and roast marshmallows over it for s’mores• Do a continuous series of backflips on the scale • Continually ask leader “Who is your favorite blogger named ‘Jack’?”[...]

More Ways to Tell If Your Lifestyle is Too Sedentary


• At the grocery store, do you simply bang your little motorized scooter cart into the shelves and buy whatever happens to fall into your basket?• Did you buy a really tall chair to use with your standing desk?• Is your biggest nightmare an “Out of Order – Please Take the Stairs” sign on an elevator?• Do you hope that “karma” is a real thing because you’re too lazy to exact revenge on people who have wronged you?• Is your office nickname "Sleepy"?• Do you take a knee during playing of National Anthem not to protest anything but because standing up for two minutes is so exhausting?• Is the thought of using a bedpan sounding pretty attractive?• Did you get tired before you could get all the way through this blog post? [...]

An Apple a Day...


An apple a day keeps the doctor away.A fresh vegetable often will stave off the coffin.A kumquat a week will improve your physique.A lemon frequently will make you feel lemony.A radish each hour will turn your face sour.A persimmon per second is too much, I reckon.A tomato daily will keep you fit as Beetle Bailey.A French fry each minute is what killed Tony Bennett.A whiskey shot per fortnight will save you from frostbite.A colonoscopy each leap year will help you to keep clear.A peach pie per decade is fine if it’s homemade. A pot roast per millennium won’t affect your insurance premium. [...]

Marathon Running Advice


Maybe you're thinking about running a marathon.Maybe you're thinking about running a half-marathon.Maybe you're thinking about running a half-half-half-half-half-half-half marathon.Whatever marathon you're thinking about running, I'm sure at least some of this advice will help you out...• If you’re planning to run a marathon right after going to the restroom, make sure you don’t have toilet paper stuck in the back of your pants. A 26.2-mile stream of toiler paper is extremely wasteful!• If you put a treadmill in the back of a pick-up truck and have someone drive you around while you run on it, it feels just like you’re running outside. Try it yourself if you don’t believe me!• It’s important not to get dehydrated on long runs, so consider wearing a hydration pack or carrying a bucket of water balloons.• Running’s easier if you’re as light as possible so before you head out, send me all the cash out of your wallet.• Find what motivates YOU to run; for me, it’s when somebody says “I think the security guard saw you shove that down your pants.”• Spend at least one day per week practicing carbo-loading.• If you’re a barefoot runner, refrain from training in a field of broken glass and rusty nails.• You shouldn’t run if it’s rainy, or looks like rain, or if there’s a chance of rain, or if it’s too sunny, too cloudy or too plain-looking.Remember:  it’s all about putting one foot in front of the other (never – and I mean never – put one foot in front of the same foot!).[...]

You're Not Going to Believe This...


By this time tomorrow, I'm going to have eaten right and exercised

IN A ROW!!!!!



Let me recheck my math...

Lemme see here... four.... eleventy-seven... carry the two... divide the numerator by the whatevernator...

Let me try that one more time...

By this time tomorrow, I'm going to have eaten right and exercised


Why My Last Weigh-In Wasn't So Hot



Blinded by fridge light other night; accidentally ate a cheesecake
Stepped on scale left foot first instead of right foot first
Forgot pre-weigh-in prayer
Thought I was going to Zumba class but it turned out to be keg party
Conspiracy at the highest levels of government
Had gum in my mouth
  • Forgot to exhale when I stepped on scale; lungs were full of heavy, heavy oxygen
  • Don’t understand it; must have had a hundred fat-free brownies this week!
Went ahead and had all I could eat at all-you-can-eat buffet
Had Oreo coupon that was about to expire
  • Pissed off voodoo witch-lady down in New Orleans
  • Something in the air
  • Misread recipe; it read “teaspoon” of olive oil and I thought it said “tablefull”
  • Bad luck because I ate a black cat
  • Weighed in the nude, but feel I could have been nuder

Tips You Can Use (to Lose)


• To reduce your sodium intake, replace the salt in your salt shaker with poison.• Strap two scales to your feet so that you can always tell at a glance how much you weigh.• When preparing mashed potatoes, substitute skim milk for the regular milk and skim potatoes for the regular potatoes.•  At the grocery store, take the wheels off your shopping cart.• Adopt a funny mouse who runs up and steals your cheese every time you try to eat some.• Chew your food at least twice before swallowing.•  When you weigh in, try to let your soul slip out of your body momentarily; no one’s sure exactly how much your soul weighs, but it’s gotta weigh something. Am I right or am I right? • The optimum number of chicken wings to eat in one sitting is… wait, let me re-check my math… let’s see, carry the one, divide the numerator into the denominator… and there’s your answer:  zero.• If you’re working at a chocolate factory and the conveyor belt starts speeding up, for God’s sake, just notify your supervisor. We’ve been having trouble with that conveyor belt for months![...]

Mr. Eat Wiser


allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="" width="560">I’m Mister Eat Sickness.I’m Mister Ton.I’m Mister No FitnessI’m Mister Three-Hundred-And-One.They tell me Eat WiserWhenever I lunch,I eat a bunch.Munch munch munch.He’s Mister Eat Sickness.He’s Mister Ton.He’s Mister No Fitness.He’s Mister Three-Hundred-And-One.Why won’t he Eat Wiser?Just watch him at lunch.Food by the bunch.Munch munch munch.Thank you!I’m working hard to know a weighThat's under sixty LB’s.I'd rather have it eighty,Ninety, one hundred LB’s!Oh, some like it fit, but I like itREALLY fit! Hee hee!Now he's Mister Lean Sweetness.He's Mister Run.He's Mister No Bigness.He's Mister Two Hundred and One.They say I Eat Wiser,Whatever I bite,Fits well in my diet.Eat just right! Just right![...]

Losing Weight is a Lot Like Marriage


It all starts with a vow.Some days are harder than others.You’ll sometimes go to bed mad.It takes some people several attempts to get it right.Some people never get it right.You have to work harder than you ever imagined.It can be very rewarding.At times, you might need a counselor to help get things on track.Sometimes you want what somebody else has.After you commit, you have to quit doing whatever you want.Keeping it going is hard, but ending it is more expensive in the long run.Cheating doesn’t lead to anything good.It’s not going to work unless your spouse helps.Some people do it for the children.If it feels too much like work, chances are you’re not going to be successful with it.It gives you a reason to become a better person than you already are.If you do it right, it lasts the rest of your life.I remember asking my Grandpa Noah how much it cost to get married. He thought it over, then replied, “I don't know, Jackie. I'm still paying for it.”[...]

A Friendly Reminder...


The Secret to Healthiness


The secret to healthiness is no secret at all.It's about......eating French fries that haven't been French-fried...lifting a child without your back going a ka-poing...a worn-out pair of running shoes...having a "cheat day" and not cheating...parking in the anti-handicapped space (parking spot located furthest from where you're going)...eating a salad without thinking you're being punished for something...not gaining 10 pounds when you go on vacation...using one of those check-your-blood-pressure machines at the store and not having it start smoking and emitting a wailing siren...feeling like your get-up-and-go hasn't got-up-and-went...being able to push your body and not have your body push your life, loving your life[...]

Not Safe for Work


Some bad ideas if you're interested in maintaining health at your office job...• Gallon jug of raspberry sno-cone syrup on desk• Personal assistant that feeds you onion rings with ketchup while you do paperwork• Hourly pizza break• Combination cotton candy/copy machine• Bottom desk drawer filled with movie theater popcorn• Starting every staff meeting with hot dog-eating contest• Chocolate fountain in lobby• Laundry basket filled with peanut M&M’s• Keeping coffee carafe filled with hot rotel dip• George Foreman grill in bathroom stall for quick bacon frying• Recliner in elevator so you don’t have to sit during long trip between floors• Reading glasses made from two glazed donuts• Software on your computer that blocks every site except Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit[...]

A Healthy Dose of Healthful Health Tips


• You can make ice cream healthier by eating something different instead.• A registered dietician can assist you in designing a nutritional plan you’ll find months later and have a good laugh about. • A really easy way to eat healthier is to hire a personal shopper to purchase all your groceries and a personal chef to prepare all your meals.

• One way to make yourself drink more water is to set off a pack of firecrackers in your mouth.• There’s one simple way to tell if your portion size is too big: it’s always too big. • Eating at home instead of going out will help in your weight loss efforts, mostly because of what a bad cook you are.•  Remember this rhyme: “Cupcakes for dinner will never make you thinner.”• You can make your own frozen fruit by putting fruit in the freezer, dumbass. • Sex can burn over 10,000 calories per hour (please back me up on this "fact" if my wife Anita asks...)[...]

Weight Loss in the Age of Trump


“A little more moderation would be good. Of course, my life hasn’t exactly been one of moderation.”–      Donald J. TrumpLooking back on it, I think it’s Trump’s fault.My weight gain, that is.Leading up to last year’s election, I assured my wife Anita – who was jittery and panicky beyond all get-out – that there was nothing to worry about. The Democrats held an insurmountable electoral-college edge, and too many people thought the Republican candidate was simply too crazy-pants to vote for.After it all went down the way it all went down, I found myself drawn to the news shows like a moth to a flame. When I got home from work, I’d fix a stiff drink (I’ve really taken a hankering to whiskey in my old age), and would settle in and watch an hour (or four) of cable news.Sometimes it was MSNBC, sometimes CNN, sometimes even Fox News, but I was riveted by the daily twists and turns our political world was taking. And I don’t know if it’s this way with you, but drinking makes me snacky.I guess I thought it would all peter out, that it would all settle down into some sense of normality (spoiler alert: it didn’t).I’ll admit that I’m still fascinated by the whole phenomenon, but I’m trying to transition my information absorbtion from lounging in front of the TV for hours at a time to exercising in the gym listening to podcasts. The world will spin on (fingers crossed about North Korea), but being a sedentary spectator doesn’t do anybody (or any body) any good. [...]



It started with me standing out in the pouring rain to see if my iPhone was really waterproof. Egged on by the fact that sparks didn't immediately start flying out of it as we were pelted by raindrops, I stuck it in the rushing water alongside the curb in front of my house to see if it would float."Oh, crap!" I exclaimed as the phone whooshed off down the street. "Well, at least I remembered to get it insured."A few seconds later, after I remembered about laughing at the guy at the Apple Store when he asked if I was interested in paying extra for the insurance, I dashed off after the runaway smartphone.I almost caught up with it, but just before I could get my hands on it, it disappeared down a gutter."Well, at least everything was backed up on iCloud," I reassured myself.After I realized how I had guffawed at the guy at the Apple Store when he asked me if I needed any help setting up my iCloud account, I knelt down and desperately peered inside the gutter.Imagine how freaked out I was when I saw a freaky clown smiling back at me freakily."Pennywise?" I whispered."Nope," replied the clown. "I'm Pennywise's brother Poundfoolish.""Do you scare and murder children, too?" I asked."Nah, that's Penny's thing," he smiled. "I like to target overweight individuals such as yourself and remind them about all the dangers of obesity.""Well, nice to meet you but I guess I'll be heading...""Being obese makes you more likely to have a lot of different health problems...""Maybe I can just go back to my old flip-phone," I muttered to myself."Heart disease and stroke," he said in a deep, booming voice. "High blood pressure.Diabetes. Some cancers. Gallbladder disease and gallstones. Osteoarthritis.""Pretty sure you made that one up," I said."Gout. Breathing problems, such as sleep apnea (when a person stops breathing for short episodes during sleep) and asthma.""Alright, Poundfoolish. You've scared me okay?""Great, Jack," the clown replied. "Here's your smartphone, by the way. I noticed you haven't opened your MyFitnessPal app in awhile...""Why couldn't I get the child-murdering clown instead," I muttered, snatching the phone and turning away.p.p1 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Consolas; -webkit-text-stroke: #000000} p.p2 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Consolas; -webkit-text-stroke: #000000; min-height: 14.0px} span.s1 {font-kerning: none} "I'll be watching yoooooooou," came the voice from the sewer.[...]

What Happened


RING, RINGH: Hello, this is Hillary Clinton.J: Who’s your favorite blogger named Jack?H: Ummm, Jack Kerwick who writes over at You’re still mad I stood you up for the prom, aren’t you?H: Jack, I don’t have time for this.J: You’ve got all the time in world since Donald J…H: Why are you calling me, Jack? I’m in middle of a book tour.J: That’s why I’m calling you. You stole the title of my book.H: What HappenedJ: Exactly. It’s the story of how I became a world-famous blogger and lost a bunch of weight, but then I kind of fell off the wagon and gained a bunch of weight.H: What happened?J: Yes, that’s what I was going to title the book.H: No, I mean… what happened?J: Oh, I could give you a hundred excuses, Hil, but all that matters is that I’m doing better now. I just wanted to chronicle my journey so others could learn from what went wrong for me.H: Can’t you just change the title?J: THE TITLE’S THE ONLY THING I’VE WRITTEN SO FAR!!!!! DIAL TONE[...]

Another Weight-Loss Song for the Wee Little Children


Here comes Jackie Too-Fat-Tail,Eatin’ as much as a humpback whale.Hippity hoppity, damn, how much you weigh?Chompin’ cheese dip by the bowls,Baskets full of Tootsie Rolls.Things that make big him as New York Bay.He eats jelly rolls for breakfastAnd a Snickers bar or two.A bag of chips before lunchtimePlus a diet soda, too!Oh! Here comes Jackie Too-Fat-Tail,Gettin’ back on that healthy trailHippity hoppity, it’s a brand new day.Here comes Jackie Smaller-TailWill sometimes falter, but never fail. Hippity hoppity, Jackie’s on his way![...]

Gosh dammit!


• Dammit! Signed up for spinning class but it was just a bunch of people riding stationary bicycles!• Dammit! Gained weight this week despite fact that I must have eaten over 100 fat-free cupcakes.• Dammit! Discovered I've been taking Omega-3 Fried Fish Oil capsules.• Dammit! Trainer informed me that my "form" was wrong on my chest presses; apparently you're not supposed to take a nap between reps.• Dammit! Committed to drinking more water during the day but forgot that water's the one that doesn't taste like anything.• Dammit! Just realized that jar of corn syrup I bought at grocery store contains high-fructose corn syrup.• Dammit! Everyone at gym still saying I'm doing girl push-ups; THEY'RE LADY PUSH-UPS, OKAY?!?!?!?• Dammit! Not sure elliptical I put together all by myself is working right due to fact that one foot goes up over my head when I use it.• Dammit! Didn't realize ten 100-calorie packs would be 1,000 calories!• Dammit! Pre-paid for six weeks of personal training from guy who doesn't know what a bicep curl is!• Dammit! Nobody thinks this blog post was an entertaining as I did![...]

Healthy back-to-school strategies


• When you get up in the morning, don’t forget to pack a sensible lunch the night before.• Plan routes between classes that are exactly 5 kilometers, because there’s something magical about running 5K for some reason or another.• Running up the giant slide on the playground burns considerably more calories than simply sliding down it.• Easy weight loss tip: locate a bully interested in stealing your lunch money. • Sit in the back of the room and, every time teacher’s head is turned, sneak in as many jumping jacks as you’re able. • Take THEORIES OF ADVANCED ASTROPHYSICS; have you seen how heavy that textbook is? Quite a workout!• Instead of ignoring your homework to binge-watch Game of Thrones, try ignoring your homework to go for a walk around the block. • Write “I WILL NOT START A FIRE IN THE TRASH CAN AND COOK S’MORES DURING CLASS” one thousand times.[...]