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Preview: The long hard road out of hell...

The long hard road out of hell...





Updated: 2014-10-01T21:36:48.989-07:00

 



doing what is not the norm

2010-12-11T19:18:49.124-08:00

I need help. I'm seriously pleading for help here. I'm admitting it y'all, I can't do this alone. I saw 223.6 this morning. Every piece of disgusting unhealthy food I've shoved past my lips this past week has made me feel sick. Physically and emotionally.

This week we said goodbye to yet another family member. Ian's grandma's death has hit me much harder than I ever thought it would. I think part of it is just that she's the fifth beautiful family member to leave this earth since April. I can't say anymore goodbyes. I'm trying to keep myself together, but little by little I'm letting the overwhelming losses take over me and falling into old, bad habits. I'm isolating, internalizing, eating my way through.

The bright side of all this, I know what I'm doing. I've also come to a very quick realization that trying to do this alone just isn't working. So for those of you still reading my blathering....if you can find it in your heart, please. Someone help me.



disappointment

2010-12-01T17:40:37.943-08:00

So, have you ever looked at someone that SHOULD be an inspiration, and known that they've worked incredibly hard for their success...but still said, well fuck. I'm a god damn loser. Have you?

I'm doing that now. I think maybe I need to seek some couselling or talk to a doctor about my energy levels. Is this normal? Ugh. I'm disgusted with myself. I've lost probably 3 lbs in the past three weeks. I'm still not at the weight I was maintaining. I'm sitting at a whopping 218.6.

Fuckity fuck.

Is there really truly a pot of skinny gold at the end of the rainbow, or are you all full of shit? It's gotta be me. I really can't be that paranoid that there's an entire community out there falsifying their weight loss successes....

or are you...
dun dun duuuuuuun



Why

2010-11-11T13:15:55.021-08:00

Why am I all "Hey I'm working out, it's ok to eat a bit more"

then binge like I'll never see tomorrow?

Fuck'n fuck.



back to the basics

2010-11-05T19:42:23.139-07:00

My pants are tight. Really tight. Time to get my ass out of its funk and get back on track. Truly.

Here are my goals for next week:

1: Track my food EVERY DAY!

Yup...back to good ol' WW. It works for me.

2: Earn some money!

I've decided that waiting for a reward or results isn't instant gratification-y enough for me. Hubby will be giving me a $2 coin for every day that I work out. I will be putting them into a clear jar so I can watch the money grow. Hey, it's an idea right?

Wish me luck!

Hope you are all doing well out there in bloggerland!



Best anniversary present ever

2010-09-28T05:55:27.468-07:00

This Thursday marks mine and hubby's ninth anniversary. We had had plans to go to Valemount, BC and spend a relaxing four nights in the beautiful mountains.

Instead we're driving to Colorado so I can say goodbye to my uncle. I only found out last night that he's in hospice and is lucky if he lives out the month. I didn't expect the cancer to eat at him so quickly. He was only just diagnosed a few months ago.

As shitty as it is that our anniversary will not be relaxed and romantic, who could ask for a more cherished present than time you'll never be able to get again?

So hey, who's got two thumbs and the most amazing husband in the whole world? This girl.



Amber has a day off...what?!

2010-09-20T07:47:44.617-07:00

Ok guys, so I've just been maintaining. Floating somewhere between 211 and 215. Not where I want to stay, but not really gaining any significant amount of weight either. Thank the gods I learned SOMETHING! I've decided before I move on from this stagnant stage, I need to learn how to be proud of what I've done so far. I need to learn to be proud of my ability to even stabilize. Because after...oh at least six months...of sitting at this weight, I could have gained so so so sooo much back.

My girl Jules is a photographer and has to do self nudes. I'm starting to think, fuck, you know it's crazy that I can look at a million different women, in a million different shapes and sizes, and find so many beautiful things about them. But I look in the mirror, and I see flaw, flaw, flaw. What makes me different? Don't I deserve to look at myself with the same consideration?

So anyway, I know there isn't much to this little update, but it is what it is. I've finally got placed so I have a "home" branch for work now. Wish me luck, I start there tomorrow!

Hope you all are well, and hey, for those that have stuck around...thanks :)



lame

2010-07-30T06:06:29.297-07:00

Happy birthday to me, I gained nearly two pounds. I blame it on PMS.



early WI

2010-07-23T07:14:32.263-07:00

Hey y'all, so I'm out of town this weekend camping, so I figured early WI would be better than late.

I'm very happy with my week's loss! I weighed in at 211.6, which means a sweet 3.8 lbs loss! Hells yes! Wish me luck for next week guys, I would like to see the underside of 200 in at least two months (but hopefully much sooner than that).



Good Morning Vietnam! ....and Canada and America, etc etc

2010-07-17T05:52:14.488-07:00

Last night I stepped on the scale and saw a whopping 217.4. Dude! Yes Yes I know, I shouldn't be weighing myself morning and night but I do, always have. So as soon as hubby made it up the stairs I told him that he could forget about waiting til I get paid to rejoin WW. This morning it was happening, period. After the official WI this morning (a lame ass 215.4, 1 lbs GAIN) I did just that. But at 5 am, before click click clicking at the computer to get my ass back into the WW wagon, I started the coffee, got myself a big glass of ice water, and reaquainted myself with Bob and the BL gang via the bootcamp.

I'm officially 100% back my friends. I never gave up, trust me if I had I'd be up to at least 250 by now, but there's no more half assing it. No more watching what I eat, as it airplanes into my mouth. No more saying "I feel like I'm ALMOST ready to start working out again." This is it.

I think I needed the pseudo break though. I think I really needed to remember how frustrating a lack of weight loss is, how shitty I've felt looking in the mirror. Now, even a 1 lbs loss, which I'd better see next week y'all, will be so much more appreciated and celebrated.

This morning I raise my steamy hot delicious mug of coffee to you, all my blogger buddies, for not giving up on me. Here's to you, and to me, and to everyone out there that's struggling on this journey with us. Here's to yet another new beginning.

(image)



a whoppin -.04

2010-07-12T18:01:13.199-07:00

Yup, that's it. So much for water retention. I guess I really did eat about five million calories a day for four days. Fuck me.

I know, I KNOW, the only way I'm getting out of this slump is to get off my ass. But really guys, the idea of crawling out of bed an hour earlier than normal just isn't very tempting. Especially when I'm still so freakin exhausted every morning and evening as it is. When am I going to stop being so tired?!

I'm starting to fall into a deeper depression when it comes to my weight. I don't think I've given up, but I sure as hell feel like I have. And that makes me feel stupid, pathetic. Maybe it's time I talk to hubby about getting back on WW now that I'm bringing in a steady paycheck. I know he's not too happy about me spending money that doesn't "need" to be spent...but I think my not being at goal yet, and completely controlling my mood, makes it a necessity. Because to be this much smaller than where I started, but to still look in the mirror and not only still hate what I see, but be EVEN MORE disgusted....it's not right.

I wish I could be proud of the previous losses I've had. In total I'm sure I've lost over 100 lbs (and gained a good portion back, love that roller coaster), I should be proud of myself, even if I've mostly just maintained within 10 lbs of my lowest, but I'm not. Not even a little. So this teeny loss has put me back to like 71 lbs lost, blech. It's nothing. And now I see other bloggers, one in particular, who's lost 100 lbs in 7 months. I'm so proud of her, and very very happy for her, but so very very jealous too. I KNOW she's worked her ass off, much harder than I have the past few months, but I remember working my ass off too, and definitely NOT looking as fabulous as she does.

I know this reads very much like a big ol' pity party. I don't want to be that person. But I guess this is what has needed to come out. Until this little pity post, I've really had nothing to say. I don't like being that blah pathetic blogger. Maybe I need to before I can be someone better again.



WI

2010-07-03T16:36:35.047-07:00

Down a teeny 1.2 this week from the huge gain in WI. I huffed about it for a minute then realized why...it's also PMS week. AKA water retention week. Hence the very slight loss after eating waaaaaaaaaaay less than the week or two before.

Ya know guys? I misses yas. Hope you're all doing better than me :oP



official saturday WI

2010-06-26T06:02:49.791-07:00

216, on the button.

Fuck me.

Anybody got a wand? Please?

Crap.



Is it time? I sure hope so!

2010-06-24T20:28:31.332-07:00

Ok guys, I have gone on quite the bender. I've lost 3 people in 2 months. Two of them less than two weeks apart. I got to go home for my grandpa's funeral. And I let that emoitonal eating take over me. Only while I was doing it, I guarantee I didn't "know" I was doing it. I was aware...mostly. I paid attention....somewhat. My pants are tight and I saw a salty water retaining 217 on the scale the morning after I got back. And oh yes, I KNOW it is salt. Trust me, chinese, deep fried tasty deliciousness, nachos, cheese curds...oh yes, the good stuff. Even in moderation carries bucketloads of salt...and I ate it all then licked my fingers very un-lady like afterward.

Before I got the call about my grandpa and hopped a plane home, I had bought a new workout dvd, something to hopefully get me back in the game. DWTS Latin Cardio. I want to try that shit! I'm going to tonight. As soon as I hit the post button as a matter of fact. I've also loaded my fridge drawers with fruit, and the shelves with yogurt and other healthy goodness.

Wish me luck y'all. I'm gonna need it, because I want to beat this, and I can't do it alone.



around

2010-05-11T12:38:14.612-07:00

I know I've been silent. I've gotten one msg from a gal that said she was wondering about me so...

I'm here. I'm still reading, though not really commenting. I haven't given up, but I'm not making a furtive effort either.

But...I'm here.



wagon? what wagon?

2010-04-15T20:05:42.050-07:00

I have fallen, rolled, and was ran away from like the axe murderer in a horror flick. The biggest problem is that I'm disgusted at myself and feeling so much disappointment, hatred, and self loathing that I can't even manage to pull myself out of the hole to start searching for the tracks. I haven't exercised in a week. Talk about stupid move. No exercise, emotional eating...yeah I'm feelin it.

On a not so dark note I've started the new job, and as overwhelming as it is I really enjoy it. I think it's really helped me to ignore my cousin's death too. Which has led to my eating everything in sight. I don't know how to deal with this. I say to others all the time, when you're ready you'll find your way back. I'm scared that I'll never find my way back, even though I've been ready forever. I'm scared that in the next month I'll gain back every pound I've lost. And honestly by the way I've been eating I could see it happening...I mean I'd be dead because of the food overload, but I'd be a very fatter dead. Yes I said fatter. I don't think there'll ever be a day I don't consider myself fat.

I hate updating with this shit. I hate sounding like this. I know I've never been one for sunshine and happiness, but even I am too much for myself right now, so I certainly don't want to put it on y'all. However...somewhere down there I haven't given up really...I'm not done. I'm not where I want to be. I want to be better, healthier, stronger. I want to be proud of me. I just don't know how to get myself to where I need to be to start again.



gain

2010-04-10T06:48:49.011-07:00

I was stupid and stepped on the scale. I was going to skip knowing what I've done to myself but I happen to be an obsessive scaler. I'm up 3.2 lbs this week. I wonder why that is? Oh wait! Maybe the three bags of turtle chex mix I've scarfed, or oh yeah, quite possibly the fact that I got good and shit faced last night then found myself at McDick's drive thru at midnight. Maybe that's why. I know I'm being stupid. Oh fucking well. I feel pathetic you guys. I really do. Like a big fat pathetic failure.



Day of rest?

2010-04-09T12:51:26.011-07:00

Last night I still worked out. Tonight I think I'm going to pass. Not because I want to, but because I have an appt and don't know when I'm getting home.

I'm going to keep exercising. Even as I eat my way through the house. I know what I'm doing. I know EXACTLY what I'm doing. And I know why. Maybe if I had a friend up here it wouldn't be so bad. When you feel that you're utterly alone...it's easy to allow yourself to consciously eat your emotions.

I'm by no means giving up, just for now, I'm giving in. I'll get sick of it again, I always do.



Loss

2010-04-08T15:52:01.804-07:00

This is not a loss I wanted, nor one I have looked forward to. My cousin overdosed yesterday. Tomorrow would have been her 42nd birthday. My mother is beside herself. Melody was one of my best friends growing up. Now she's gone, I'm here, my mother's there, Melody's daughter is at her uncle's...I miss her. I'm angry, but god do I miss her.



No news is good news?

2010-04-01T14:50:52.377-07:00

Sometimes.

On Saturday I finally saw a change in my stagnant weight. Dun dun duuuuuuuuun...a drop of 2.2 lbs, what?! Hells yeah bitches! I've worked out so many days in a row now, I don't remember the last day that I didn't do something at all. Even if it's just a walk, or the lower intensity tae boxing, it's something!

And then, I had a rough day. Yeah today I got to go to the lady doctor. I know it's only once a year, blah blah blah suck it up buttercup, but these visits are always traumatic for me. It isn't just the uncomfortability and pain for me, it's the passing of the personal bubble. I've been sexually assaulted twice, raped once (and boy is that still hard for me to even admit or recognize), since I was 13. Since I need birth control I need to see the lady doctor, or she'd refuse and I'd be poppin out kidlets left right and center...no thanks! Either way, I nearly work myself into a right panic/anxiety attack once the clothes are shed and I'm sittin bare assed waiting for the doc to come in. I always make the procedure worse than it needs to be.

Anyway...because of this I immediately went to the store after the appt, because oh how convenient it happened right around lunch time. I got pizza (at 6 pieces...yeah), donuts (one of those thank you), and a very small cheesecake that I split with hubster. My stomach is still sticking out and hurting. I deserve the pain. Seriously...where's my helmet baby cuz there's windows need lickin'!

Let's hope this doesn't completely destroy my week. Dinner? Cottage cheese and toast. Super light. Oh yes.



Hey where'd that crazy bitch go?

2010-03-23T07:25:27.698-07:00

I'm right here! Seriously I am. And I'm still workin on it. Eating hasn't been perfect but then neither am I. However, I've been working out. Jillian and I have been Shredding so I'm pretty happy with that. It feels good! I've been getting rather restless just sitting on my fat ass so when I say it feels good, I truly mean it. I'm a bit sore in some spots, but certainly not enough to keep me from working out the next day, which is a NEW feeling for me!

A few positively awesome things have happened in the past couple weeks. I won a $250 gift cert to an interior store (I never win cool shit like that!), I got a $25 gift cert to Addition-elle which came at the perfect time because I also FINALLY got myself a job!!! I will be working as a teller for CIBC, training starts on the 12th of April which is also lucky because my son's spring break is next week and I just can't find the money for daycare for that with this check. Oh, and the Addition-elle gc...the awesomeness is because I've worked at a biker store for so long, and then before that a saddlery and tack shop...I've got ZERO professional type clothing!!!! So, shopping with my dear SIL on the 10th!

Saturday's weigh in finally brought a change. A gain of 0.2 lbs. That's nothing as far as I'm concerned so I'm still considering it a maintenance. No I do not want to maintain, but hubby promised that as soon as the money starts coming in and we get some debt paid I can get back on WW. But I'm also hoping that I can keep myself on track and won't have to do it. I like knowing it's an option though. So far this week though I'm already down 2 lbs!!!! Let's hope I can and WILL keep my shit together so I keep seeing drops in the weight!!!



Static

2010-03-13T10:44:34.881-08:00

For the third week straight I have weighed in at the same weight. Hey man, better than gaining!

Also I got a wicked sweet award from Kat, but I haven't gotten around to putting it up. I told her I'd make it a gooder so it's going to be a bit yet. Maybe while I'm baking my kidlet's school cupcakes for his birthday! But I had to throw a shout out. Figgered it was time lol.

Also, she kicks ass because she throws jelly beans at bad drivers. And is sending me salty chocolate sin in the form of chex mix. And she makes me giggle with her stories of "The Boy" and her daily life. I'm tellin ya, get over to her blog and laugh!



Phone interview

2010-03-11T16:07:38.717-08:00

So I finally got a call!

It was a phone interview with Jenny Craig of all things.

Considering I have zero nutrition education I probably won't get the job, but boy would that be sweet! Seriously, discount on JC as well? I'd give it a go!

Wish me luck!



Figgered I should update...

2010-03-10T18:29:44.792-08:00

My pants are getting tighter.

I wake up with good intentions. Small breakfast, small lunch. Then snacking, all day. I ate half a dozen triple chocolate cookies today. And nachos. I'm fucking stupid.

It would appear that I've given up. I haven't. Doesn't mean that I'm really trying my hardest though. Doesn't mean I'm not trying at all either.

On the plus side I've started working out again. On the negative, it's barely there intensity.

Why am I doing all the shit I know I shouldn't be? Why am I not doing the shit I know I should? I mean really, I looked at the cookies as I was putting them into my mouth and completely berated myself. Did it stop me? Nope.

What the hell.



I'M A FREAKIN AUNTIE AGAIN!!!

2010-03-05T12:42:59.232-08:00

If you couldn't tell by this post's title, I'm slightly excited. Super bummed I'm not in the same country to be able to meet my little nephew but oi...I'm so proud of my baby brother!

(image)



Still swimming, sort of

2010-02-27T14:53:55.886-08:00

I could use a couple life buoy thingies though.

Down 1 lbs.

Meh.