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Preview: David C White

The Daily Squid



Politics meets pop culture. With poems.



Last Build Date: Tue, 07 Dec 2010 14:24:01 +0000

 



LETTERS TO AN EMAIL SCAM ARTIST

Tue, 07 Dec 2010 12:00:47 +0000

A few months back I received an unsolicited email from a man claming to be a Mr. David Pitman of the London Stock Exchange. (A little Googling confirmed this to be a real-life person). A friend of Mr. Pitman’s had apparently recently died and he was now looking to get in touch with me (ME!) about a sure-fire financial windfall. It seemed a bit fishy, but you should never be too dismissive of a good thing when it comes around, so I responded. What follows is the extent of our month long email exchange/one-sided love affair. (Each of the following emails and responses is 100% real.)



WHERE’S SHAOLIN’S SUPREME COURT LOVE?

Mon, 10 May 2010 03:56:50 +0000

The big news: Barack Obama will announce Elena Kagan as his pick to succeed John Paul Stevens on the Supreme Court. If she’s confirmed, four of the nine Supreme Court justices will rep NYC. Scalia: Queens. Ginsburg: Brooklyn. Sotomayor: The Bronx. Kagen: UWS Manhattan. Only Staten Island lacks supreme court love, a truly terrible oversight. […]



BREAKING: GADGET BLOG GIZMODO KIDNAPS STEVE JOBS’ YOUNG CHILDREN (The Movie)

Tue, 27 Apr 2010 15:19:32 +0000

GAWKER: You down with OPiP(hones)? US: Yes, you know me. Here’s the story: A little ways back, some dude at a German beer garden gets hammered and steals an early iPhone prototype from a blitzed Apple engineer. Couple weeks later, the enterprising thief sells said iPhone prototype to Gawker gadget blog Gizmodo for $5000. The […]



NANCY PELOSI IS THE BILL BELICHICK OF POLITICS

Mon, 22 Mar 2010 20:18:44 +0000

For those neither living in nor descended from the holy six that is New England, Bill Belichik is some kid of monster. A loathsome ruthless win machine, desecrating the shield in a cold-blooded quest to squeeze any last possible competitive advantage out of an otherwise noble game. Man you effing hate that guy. Unless, of […]



AN ARMY OF ONE, AN ONION OF MANY BLOOMS

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 16:49:15 +0000

For the rest of the month, Outback Steakhouse will generously provide all veterans and active military with a free Bloomin’ Onion. This promotion seems so painfully obvious, so clearly motivating for both service member and plain citizen alike, I’m surprised neither Presidents Bush nor Obama developed a similar deal when attempting to sell a souring […]



THE NEW BAROQUE

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 19:02:26 +0000

I bet if Bach showed up in the present Bill & Ted-style and was like, “Yo, show me some music” we’d probably put on Lady Gaga “Telephone” and he’d be like, “Woa, wait, seriously?” But then we’d show him some orchestral arrangements of Super Mario Bros. themes and he’d be all, “Ok, alright, I see […]



GENETICALLY MODIFIED ANIMAL BRAINS

Tue, 02 Mar 2010 18:51:06 +0000

Conditions in Factory Farms are universally deplorable and a lot of people are starting to figure it out. You can tell this is true by the recent spike in references to Food Inc. in your Facebook newsfeed and the number of Colbert Report appearances by Michael Pollan and Jonathan Safran Foer. Luckily scientists are hot […]



WHEN WILL MEN’S FIGURE SKATING FIND ITS KURT COBAIN?

Fri, 19 Feb 2010 20:38:34 +0000

Its Public Enemy? Its Basquiat? It’s a well-told story: On January 11th 1992, Nirvana Nevermind replaced Michael Jackson’s Dangerous as the number one album on the Billboard 200. In the previous year, that top spot had been held by the likes of Vanilla Ice, Michael Bolton, Paula Abdul and Van Halen. Kurt Cobain stomped that […]



HOW TO BE A MAN (SUPER BOWL AD EDITION)

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 06:34:06 +0000

We are men! And so we value our tires more than our wives. We will put up with the pain of listening to their opinions so long as we can still drive our Dodge Chargers. We will reveal them naked in the shower after finally developing the confidence to use soap to clean ourselves. Yes, […]



BARACK OBAMA’S 2010 STATE OF THE UNION DISTILLED TO 7 LINES FROM DIGABLE PLANETS “THE MAY 4TH MOVEMENT”

Thu, 28 Jan 2010 04:09:19 +0000

Relevant section at 3:32: Like a Thelonious Monk, I travel in peace Left on right on black man from the east We don’t quit We don’t quit, uh uh We don’t quit Nah we don’t quit Life for nothing but beats and cheese Last line might be a stretch. Nevertheless, full text of actual speech […]



IN THIS CORNER OF THE GREENHOUSE

Wed, 13 Jan 2010 22:24:22 +0000

                    Black spider spins 140 character thoughts over the slacked mouth of a broken t-shirt cannon announcing lo calorie diets, and proto-apocalyptic mortgage gate refinancing. Don’t plagiarize the hype, young spider; yours is an office delicate, bent off spin, threadbare           in a Chinese factory,           wrapped in the finest silks quite known                     to the round fat bottoms […]



TOP 20 GILMORE GIRL EPISODES I HAVE WATCHED SINCE BECOMING UNEMPLOYED

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 12:00:25 +0000

Early last week, Quentin Tarrantino graced the internet with his list of the Best 20 Movies Since 1992, the year he himself first began making movies: I wanted to do something similar, but I don’t really make movies. In fact, since this past June, I’ve ostensibly been predominantly unemployed. Meaning: I don’t make much of […]



MULTIPLE NATIONS = KILL YOUR FAMILY

Thu, 20 Aug 2009 12:00:45 +0000

Food Inc. is a movie I have seen. And it was good!: a heroic tale of Joe The Humble Organic Lima Bean Farmer fighting the noble fight against Goliath The Earth Raping Multinational Cattle Rancher Food Conglomerate Inc. And you know Goliath is bad, because he’s…multinational. DUH DUH DUHNNNN!!!!! Corporations have operated in multiple nations […]



MEN WHO ARE MAD EAT DONUTS IN BOWTIES

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 12:00:16 +0000

Mad Menify yourself with the latest Mad Menerizer. Here’s Mad Menned Me: For those unable to view photographic images, I am about to feed champagne to my donut before we read the newspaper and heavily pet/neck on Cinderella’s hotel bed. WOA WOA WAIT: A real-paper newspaper? This show is vintage.



CONGRESSIONAL GUESSING GAMES

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 12:00:34 +0000

* Congressmen Game Cards Do Not Actually Talk The Congressional Budget Office (CBO) is like one of those dudes who says “Guess what?” and then makes you actually guess a whole bunch of times. It’s all… CBO Hey, guess how we can save a lot of money on federal health care spending… CONGRESS I dunno, […]