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Preview: The Register - Odds and Sods: Letters

The Register - Bootnotes

Biting the hand that feeds IT

Copyright: Copyright 2017, Situation Publishing

iPhone lawyers literally compare Apples with Pears in trademark war

Thu, 27 Apr 2017 05:03:10 GMT

'You shall not use the silhouette of any fruit' commands Cupertino idiot tax operation

In the never-ending effort by Apple to think higher of itself, the computer giant has opposed a trademark featuring the silhouette of a pear.…

Reg reader offered £999,998 train ticket from Cambridge to Horley

Wed, 26 Apr 2017 09:32:31 GMT

More like National Fail amirite?

On the heels of an IT error leading to Great Western Rail advertising a first-class journey from Taunton to Trowbridge for £10,000 comes an exponentially more expensive offer from National Rail.…

Man nicked trying to 'save' beer from burning building

Tue, 25 Apr 2017 12:17:10 GMT

She's in there. Who's in there, sir? My PIIIIIIINT!

A South Dakotan was cuffed after he repeatedly barged past police and firefighters that were trying to deal with a blaze in his apartment block so he could re-enter and rescue his most precious possession - beer.…

IT error at Great Western Railway charging £10k for 63-mile journey ticket

Tue, 25 Apr 2017 09:33:10 GMT

If you didn't want to travel from Taunton-to-Trowbridge before, you probably won't now either

Great Western Rail has been advertising the bargain of a lifetime; a first-class journey from Taunton to Trowbridge for £10,000.…

Alaska dentist 'pulled out patient's tooth while riding a hoverboard'

Fri, 21 Apr 2017 21:25:21 GMT

When this thing gets up to 88 miles per hour, you're going to see some serious sh*t

A dentist in Alaska has been accused of performing a tooth extraction while riding a hoverboard.…

(You can't) buy one now! The flying car makes its perennial return

Fri, 21 Apr 2017 08:01:13 GMT

There's a steering wheel in my pants. It's driving me nuts

Something for the Weekend, Sir? Stop squeezing my knob. No seriously, I've had enough.…

Hard-pressed Juicero boss defends $400 IoT juicer after squeezing $120m from investors

Fri, 21 Apr 2017 05:02:07 GMT

Crushed CEO says critics are comparing apples with oranges

Meet this week's bonkers startup Juicero – the San Francisco maker of a $400 fruit juicer that's bagged $120m in funding from investors.…

Computer games to become medal sport at Asian Games

Thu, 20 Apr 2017 02:57:01 GMT

Olympic Council of Asia will award gold medals for fragging in 2022, helped by Alibaba

Gold medals will be awarded to players of computer games at the 2022 Asian Games.…

Ex-West Ham winger charged twice over cybershenanigans

Wed, 19 Apr 2017 09:32:10 GMT

22-year-old to appear before magistrates at month's end

Detectives from Operation Falcon, the Metropolitan Police's cybercrime unit, have charged a footballer with two fraud-related offences.…

Silicon Valley tech CEO admits beating software engineer wife, offered just 13 days in the clink

Wed, 19 Apr 2017 07:02:13 GMT

Despite evidence and previous offense, Abhishek Gattani unlikely to face serious charges

The CEO of a Silicon Valley startup captured on video beating his wife and threatening to kill her is, due to an offered plea deal, likely to spend less than 30 days behind bars to avoid being deported.…

Drupal sci-fi sex scandal deepens: Now devs spank Dries over Gor bloke's banishment

Thu, 13 Apr 2017 19:49:34 GMT

Project lead slapped in open letter after BDSM exile

Updated Scores of Drupal developers have formed a protest against the exiling of a project veteran who dabbled in kinky sci-fi hanky-panky.…

Nerd Klaxon: Barbican to host Science Fiction exhibition this summer

Wed, 12 Apr 2017 08:30:13 GMT

Curator Patrick Gyger tells El Reg what you can expect

Interview The Barbican Centre will host a sprawling festival-style Science Fiction exhibition this summer, featuring an immersive range of exhibits from across the breadth of the genre.…

QANTAS cuts AU$4,000 from price of Mac Pro

Tue, 11 Apr 2017 22:59:56 GMT

Of course it was a mistake, but the apology to 'buyers' included a 20% discount code

Apple Australia's base price for the Mac Pro is AU$4,899. So when Australian airline QANTAS store for frequent flyers started offering the computer for just AU$$520.53, plus 5,000 frequent flyer points, news of the bargain quickly hit sites that track this sort of thing.…

T-Mobile US CEO offers kid a year's supply of chicken nuggets for switching from AT&T

Mon, 10 Apr 2017 11:14:05 GMT

And now we are all part of this sickening cycle too

The chief executive of T-Mobile US has offered a random teen on the internet a year’s supply of chicken nuggets if he switches from AT&T.…

Boaty McBoatface sinks in South Atlantic on her maiden deployment

Fri, 07 Apr 2017 14:30:13 GMT

Yet the yellow submarine's operators are calm about it...

Boaty McBoatface has slipped beneath the icy waters of the Antarctic on her first operational deployment.…

Customer satisfaction is our highest priority… OK, maybe second-highest… or third...

Fri, 07 Apr 2017 07:58:04 GMT

Read the signs and weep because NO ONE CARES

Something for the Weekend, Sir? Everyone is looking at me as I break into a sweat. "Come on, come on," I mutter to my smartphone but already the harrumphing has begun.…

Crafty Fokker: Norfolk surgeon builds Red Baron triplane replica

Thu, 06 Apr 2017 13:36:11 GMT

But can he do it on a cold rainy night in Amiens?

A German orthopaedic surgeon in Norfolk has spent £70,000 building himself a flyable full-size replica of the Red Baron's Fokker Triplane.…

Reg lecture exposes the radicals intent on remaking your society

Thu, 06 Apr 2017 11:31:05 GMT

Transhumanists, hallucinogens, the far right... and blockchain

If you think the last couple of years have been tumultuous you ain't seen nothing yet – there's a tide of tech-enabled secretive and influential movements heading your way that could completely upend and reshape society. If they get their way.…

Jailed biz coach accused of $17.5m HPE fraud writes to fans saying 'join me'

Wed, 05 Apr 2017 13:01:59 GMT

Prison letters from Peter Sage reach world+dog

The jailed motivational speaker accused of diddling HPE out of 42,000 servers in a fraud spanning several years has been writing letters from prison to his "dear and amazing" fans inviting them to "join me on the journey".…

Manchester pulls £750 public crucifixion offer

Wed, 05 Apr 2017 11:39:05 GMT

Pay-to-be-slayed plan pulled over blasphemy, health & safety worries

Senior clergy in Manchester, England, have cited health and safety and blasphemy concerns after nixing a plan to fill a funding gap for the city’s Easter Passion play by offering members of the public the chance to be crucified.…

Pong, anyone? How about Pong on a vintage oscilloscope?

Wed, 05 Apr 2017 06:33:08 GMT

Doable, if you have a soldering iron and a couple of hundred transistors

Warning: there's no real IT angle in a chap hacking a venerable Tektronix Type 422 oscilloscope to play Pong. It's just fun.…

New plastic banknote plans now upsetting environmental campaigners

Thu, 30 Mar 2017 15:24:37 GMT

This time it's palm oil instead of a single dead cow

Poll First it was vegetarians and vegans complaining about plastic banknotes. Now the Bank of England has managed to upset environmentalists at the WWF – wildlife, not wrestlers – over plans for new plastic £20 notes made using palm oil.…

Pirate of the Caribbean to play Hacker of the Caribbean

Wed, 29 Mar 2017 02:04:06 GMT

Johnny Depp to play John McAfee in biopic depicting A-V man as Colonel Kurtz

POLL Nobody's confirmed anything except Big Mac himself, but John McAfee reckons he's going to be played by Captain Jack Sparrow himself, Johnny Depp.…

Nuns left in limbo after phone line transfer hell

Tue, 28 Mar 2017 11:56:11 GMT

Judge Brennan fines Eircom after litany of screwups

A judge has hit Irish telco Eircom with a €16,500 fine, after the former incumbent left a nursing home for retired nuns without phone service for weeks, then overcharged the sisters for the privilege.…

Miss Misery on hacking Mr Robot and the Missing Sense of Fun

Tue, 28 Mar 2017 09:00:11 GMT

He's both the sharpest tool AND two spanners short

Stob Are you lolling dolefully? Then I'll continue. The TV show Mr. Robot deals with the life and adventures of Elliot Alderson, a twenty-something New York devop and cyber-vigilante. He and his circle of chums, seeking to inflict revenge on a mega-corporation for a hushed-up industrial accident, stumble towards bringing e-civilisation to a sticky end.…

Disney plotting 15 more years of Star Wars

Fri, 24 Mar 2017 03:58:07 GMT

First we'll get non-digital Leia and Han Solo: Young Adult with Chewie and Falcon back-story

Disney CEO Bob Iger has told a conference that the company is contemplating “what could be another decade and a half of Star Wars stories.…

Good news, everyone! Two pints a day keep heart problems at bay

Thu, 23 Mar 2017 11:36:18 GMT

And yes, total abstinence isn't good for you

Moderate drinking is good for you, a BMJ-published study has found, directly contradicting the advice of the UK government's "Chief Medical Officer", who advised last year there was "no safe level" of drinking. A daily pint reduces risk of a heart attack and angina by a third, a big data study of Brit adults has found, while total abstinence increases the risk by 24 per cent.…

Decapitating Rockall: How a 1970s Navy expedition blasted the top off the Atlantic islet

Wed, 22 Mar 2017 13:07:14 GMT

Operation Top Hat report surfaces from the archives

Pics The Ministry of Defence sent an expedition to Rockall in 1971 to blast the top off the Atlantic islet, a newly released report has revealed.…

In the land of Google, Holocaust denial, death threats – all fine. LGBT? Oh, no, that's sensitive

Mon, 20 Mar 2017 22:22:16 GMT

Search king tweaks rules to human raters

Google has asked its search quality raters not to assume that users looking up Holocaust denials, or whether women or Islam or black people are evil, are "racist or bad people."…

Beijing deploys facial scanners to counter public toilet abuse

Mon, 20 Mar 2017 12:27:12 GMT

Penny pinching pensioners restricted to 60cm allocation

Beijing authorities are forcing desperate defecators to submit to a facial scan before receiving an allotment of toilet paper, sparking a debate over privacy, crowd control and the toxic qualities of Chinese loo roll.…

Bloke cuffed after 'You deserve a seizure' GIF tweet gave epileptic a fit

Fri, 17 Mar 2017 23:34:12 GMT

Newsweek writer attacked on Twitter after telly appearance – now FBI, cops collar suspect

A man suspected of maliciously tweeting a GIF to a magazine writer that induced an epileptic attack has been collared by the FBI.…

Google Maps' Street View can now lead you into a bubbling lava lake

Fri, 17 Mar 2017 03:02:13 GMT

Journey into live volcano is a feature, not a bug

Google Maps' Street View can now show you the interior of an active volcano, complete with bubbling lava lake.…

Fire brigade called to free man's bits from titanium ring's grip

Thu, 16 Mar 2017 12:25:34 GMT

Well, it was that or appendage amputation

Dublin’s fire brigade - armed with a hand-held angle grinder - were called to the aid of a man that was unable to remove a titanium ring that he’d miraculously slipped over both his meat and two veg.…

Dungeons & Dragons finally going digital

Wed, 15 Mar 2017 01:43:49 GMT

Character sheets and bits of the rule books look like they're coming to the Web

Seminal role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons looks to be going digital.…

Smart sex toys firm coughs up $3.75m in privacy lawsuit

Mon, 13 Mar 2017 12:47:12 GMT

Yup, it's the Internet of Dildos again

A US teledildonics company – if you’re wondering whether that means what it looks like it means, yes it does – has settled a privacy infringement lawsuit for $3.75m.…

Cold callers illegally sold Aussie farmers 1,700 years worth of printer ink

Fri, 10 Mar 2017 13:41:09 GMT

Cattle farmers going through one cartridge evey ten months bullied into buying 2040 of 'em

A tribunal has found cold calling salespeople to have illegally bullied a farming couple in Australia into purchasing 2,040 printer ink cartridges.…

Lawyer defending arson suspect flees court with pants on fire

Fri, 10 Mar 2017 12:16:07 GMT

His own, that is...

Following the heat of a courtroom battle a lawyer defending an alleged arsonist was reportedly forced to flee proceedings temporarily after his own pants* caught fire.…

Repentant priest from Cuntis sorry he dressed as Hugh Hefner

Fri, 10 Mar 2017 11:45:06 GMT

Male bunnies simulating sex acts on him in carnival

A Spanish priest who dressed up as Hugh Hefner – flanked by two men in Playboy bunny outfits – as he rode a float at carnival in the Galician town of Cuntis, has been forced to apologise.…

The future of Not Reality is a strap-on that talks to my smarting ring

Fri, 10 Mar 2017 10:56:04 GMT

Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow

Something for the Weekend, Sir? My ring smarts.…

BOAR-ZILLA stalks Fukushima's dead zone

Fri, 10 Mar 2017 06:29:10 GMT

Wild boars in empty towns are nastily radioactive, but sadly remain normal size and lack atomic breath

Radioactive wild boars have become a problem in the evacuation zone around Japan's Fukushima nuclear plant.…

America's Marine Corp steamy selfies scandal, a Senate probe – and El Reg to the rescue

Fri, 10 Mar 2017 06:08:04 GMT

Image archive torn offline after we raise alarm

Next Tuesday, US Senators will hold a special hearing into America's ongoing military sex scandal. Archives of compromising snaps of female US Marine Corps fighters are being shared online, and the Senate Armed Services Committee wants answers.…

Kaspersky launches a range of perfumes to, er, defend your odour

Thu, 09 Mar 2017 14:24:11 GMT

Eau de Humanity, amirite?

Hot on the heels-emblazoned-with-Eugene's-face, Kaspersky has only gone and sent El Reg a range of branded toiletries, presumably meaning to imply we could brush up on personal hygiene.…

The good times are over, Peter Thiel tells Silicon Valley's oligarchs

Wed, 08 Mar 2017 17:39:31 GMT

Get ready for a fragmented net... and RAGNAROK

Peter Thiel makes a perfect modern sinister panto villain. From investing in deep state spookware Palantir to supporting Donald S Trump, Thiel ticks all the boxes. Throw in an eccentric medical practice – like, say, a fondness for injecting himself with young people's blood – and all that's missing is an impregnable offshore lair, and a seat on Facebook's board.…

Iconic Land Rover Defender may make a comeback by 2019

Tue, 07 Mar 2017 16:03:05 GMT

Probably won't be built in Blighty, sadly

Jaguar Land Rover is to resurrect the venerable old Defender – and it may be built abroad, according to media reports.…

Success in the bedroom breeds success in the boardroom – research

Tue, 07 Mar 2017 13:30:12 GMT

Want that promotion? Better improve your performance in the sack

A healthy sex life at home is apparently linked to better performance at work, according to a study by Oregon State University.…

'Baby, I know your database needs upgrades tonight'

Mon, 06 Mar 2017 05:05:04 GMT

You may have thought romance was dead before this ... erm ... remarkable MongoDB cover of Sia's 'Cheap Thrills' came along

Vendors' music video homages are always just … erm … remarkable The Register has spotted a new music video homage by a vendor and because they're always so excellent, bring it to you for your entertainment.…

RAF pilot sacked for sending Airbus Voyager into sudden dive

Fri, 03 Mar 2017 17:27:09 GMT

Also handed four months' chokey, suspended for 12

The Royal Air Force officer who sent his Airbus Voyager into an accidental dive from 33,000 feet, injuring passengers and crew, has been dismissed and given a suspended prison sentence.…

Has your spouse stayed on after Mobile World Congress? This sex doll brothel might be why

Fri, 03 Mar 2017 11:54:04 GMT

€80 a go. The anti-bacterial soap is free

Is your significant other staying a little longer at Mobile World Congress than you expected? You may want to ask them about the robo sex house recently installed nearby the mobile extravaganza venue in Barcelona.…

Google, what the hell? Search giant wrongly said shop closed down, refused to list the truth

Fri, 03 Mar 2017 07:26:04 GMT

Poultry peddler pleads Page's peeps: Precision, please

A restaurant owner feared for her business's future this week after it was mistakenly listed as closed down on Google Maps – and the ad giant wouldn't correct the error.…

Silicon Valley tech bro's solution for homeless: Getting himself in the news. Again.

Thu, 02 Mar 2017 06:32:12 GMT

Dog houses to cruise ships, Gopman is running a little rich

No one doubts that San Francisco has a homeless problem.…