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Copyright: Copyright 2017, Situation Publishing
 



Kraut coppers seize 5,000 Donald Trump-shaped dance biscuits

Tue, 22 Aug 2017 15:23:09 GMT

Making raves great again, like, the best you've ever been to

Cops in northwestern Germany have seized 5,000 ecstasy tabs fashioned in the image of Donald J Trump's head, indicating the prez continues to inspire people to seek out an alternative reality.…




Private sub captain changes story, now says reporter died, was 'buried at sea' – torso found

Tue, 22 Aug 2017 00:10:34 GMT

Crowdfunded submersible story somehow gets weirder

The story of a Danish inventor and a missing Swedish journalist has taken a bizarre turn, as Peter Madsen now claims he buried Kim Wall at sea.…




75 years ago, one Allied radar techie changed the course of WW2

Mon, 21 Aug 2017 09:49:08 GMT

And he risked being executed by his own side in the process

Would you give up your comfy technical desk job to join a military raid into hostile territory? Would you jump at the chance to put your world-leading technical knowledge to use in the most extreme of circumstances, even if your own side was under orders to shoot you if you got captured?…




Drive-thru drive-by at McDs after ice cream no-show, say cops

Fri, 18 Aug 2017 11:01:12 GMT

Man pulls out replica rifle after frosty treat disappointment

An irate McDonald’s drive-thru punter was so pissed that he couldn’t get his Sunday morning ice cream fix due to a broken dispenser that he pulled out a replica AR-15 rifle from his car boot in protest.…




British Airways waves Bing dong: At least it's not a tech cockup

Fri, 18 Aug 2017 09:58:34 GMT

Wang wag's Croatian beach art highlighted... again

British Airways’ website is displaying a penis carved into a beautiful sandy beach – the same inappropriate erection that was standing over bing.com yesterday.…




I say, BING DONG! Microsoft's search engine literally cocks up on front page for hours

Thu, 17 Aug 2017 16:59:11 GMT

Johnson, get a load of this

SFW Some of the dozens of users of Bing today spotted a lewd sand carving semi-hidden in the Microsoft search engine's front page splash photo.…




Russia's answer to Buckminster Fuller has a buttload of CGI and he's not afraid to use it

Thu, 17 Aug 2017 14:36:52 GMT

Gyroscopic trams, bunkerbeds! Enter the 'dope' world of Dahir Semenov

Earlier this week, Mashable, a clickbait site for millennials, showcased a novel urban transport system. It got very excited, calling it "dope" and the "future of transportation".…




Vaping ads flout EU rules, even if to promote healthier lifestyles

Wed, 16 Aug 2017 14:12:14 GMT

Watchdog admits it's a legal minefield

Comment The UK's advertising watchdog says that generic lifestyle campaigns urging people to improve their health by vaping instead of smoking may fall foul of EU law.…




Strip club selfie bloke's accidental discharge gets him 6 years in clink

Wed, 16 Aug 2017 04:03:11 GMT

Club Lust bathroom shootup in, you guessed it, Florida

A Florida man has been sent to prison for six years and five months after he shot up a strip club toilet while taking a selfie.…




The cheek of it! Beach bar owner shoots nude bather in the booty

Tue, 15 Aug 2017 14:32:06 GMT

Gerroff moi land!

A bar owner in southern Corsica stands accused of firing a pellet into the booty of a nudist who refused to cover up during a beach bathing session.…




Commentard Quizwall experiment ends with more quizzing than commenting

Tue, 15 Aug 2017 11:10:00 GMT

Is that one-liner worth it?

Earlier this year Norway's government-owned broadcaster embarked on a stern Lutheran experiment with commentards. Before being able to post a comment on a story, they would need to pass a reading comprehension quiz, to prove they had read it all.…




Internet addict sent to an anti-addiction boot camp is no longer an addict. Because he's dead

Mon, 14 Aug 2017 22:07:03 GMT

Chinese clinic staff cuffed after 18-year-old gets ultimate cure

Staff at one of China's internet addiction clinics have been arrested after a teenager sent there for rehabilitation was found dead after 48 hours.…




Chap behind Godwin's law suspends his own rule for Charlottesville fascists: 'By all means, compare them to Nazis'

Mon, 14 Aug 2017 20:35:21 GMT

We did Nazi that coming

Mike Godwin, creator of Godwin's law, has rescinded his own rule for those outraged by vile fascists marching the streets of Virginia, USA, at the weekend.…




A storage giant wants to give you 46,763...

Mon, 14 Aug 2017 15:14:12 GMT

Terabytes? Flash drives? No, PDF pages. Price list SKUwered

How many pages does it take to list Nutanix’s prices? One hundred? Maybe too few. One thousand – sounds about right. Ten thousand? Don’t be ridiculous. Forty-six thousand, seven-hundred and sixty-three? Well, actually ……




Blighty’s beloved Big Ben bell ends, may break Brexit bargain

Mon, 14 Aug 2017 11:49:04 GMT

It must be true, the Daily Express said so

Big Ben, the bell in the iconic clock tower on the north end of the Palace of Westminster, will fall silent for four years – and as a result the UK may not leave the European Union until 2021, if a government statement is to be trusted.…




World's largest private submarine in mystery sink accident

Fri, 11 Aug 2017 14:58:07 GMT

Captain rescued but questions remain over passenger's whereabouts

One of the world's only privately built submarines has reportedly sunk under mysterious circumstances on the Danish coast.…




Assange offers job to sacked Google diversity manifestbro

Tue, 08 Aug 2017 14:41:07 GMT

Censorship is for losers!

In his latest attempt to further the global alliance of weapons-grade bellends*, noted troll Julian Assange has offered a job at WikiLeaks to the Google staffer apparently fired for writing a wobbly diversity manifesto.…




You had ONE job: Italian firefighters suspected of starting blazes for cash

Tue, 08 Aug 2017 09:37:08 GMT

That's just Sicily

Firefighters in Sicily have been accused of starting fires for money.…




Foot-long £1 sausage roll arrives

Tue, 08 Aug 2017 08:37:11 GMT

You can keep your artichoke and pineapple artisan pork pastries

Hungry punters fed up with over-priced, under-sized artisan sausage rolls will be pleased to hear a foot-long (30.48cm) meat feast has now arrived costing, um, £1.…




Our day with Larry Page: Embedded with one of the world's richest men

Sat, 05 Aug 2017 07:34:10 GMT

Larry: I don't know about that

Earlier this week, El Reg received an unexpected phone call from Google HQ inquiring as to whether we'd be interested in a "color piece" about Google cofounder and Alphabet CEO Larry Page.…




Trump as US president (in Sharknado 3)? Oh Hell No!

Thu, 03 Aug 2017 13:40:56 GMT

The Donald missed out on cameo in crap film franchise to run for White House – reports

Donald Trump was reportedly in talks to play the president in the third incarnation of cult sci-fi disaster film Sharknado – until he welched on the deal to run for the real thing.…




Ofcom: Blighty has devolved into a nation of unwashed binge-streaming mole people

Thu, 03 Aug 2017 08:08:06 GMT

Folk neglecting work, chores, family to catch up on Thrones

Online streaming has freed consumers from the tyranny of gawping at the crap telly other family members insist on watching, with one-third regularly sitting together in the same room to watch different programmes – according to a major report by Ofcom.…




RentBoy.com boss faces six months of hard time

Thu, 03 Aug 2017 00:28:06 GMT

Judge goes easy on bloke on web brothel rap, citing work with LGBTQ community

A US judge has sentenced the owner of male escort marketplace Rentboy.com to six months behind bars.…




The Telegraph has killed Prince Philip

Wed, 02 Aug 2017 11:49:45 GMT

Online anyway

The Telegraph newspaper accidentally published an obit of the Duke of Edinburgh, instead of reporting his retirement from official duty today.…




NEWSFLASH Now even science* says moneybags footballers are overpaid

Tue, 01 Aug 2017 12:32:17 GMT

Bewilderingly, algo-crafting boffins fail to reference Reg standards

Academic research is always best when it confirms your preconceptions, and a pair of data scientists from Lawrence Technological University have done just that.…




Arcade Fire releases album on USB fidget spinner for £79/$105

Tue, 01 Aug 2017 02:58:08 GMT

Prank prompts 'vinyl sounds so much better than toys' debate

Canadian indie outfit Arcade Fire has released an album on a USB-flash-drive-packing fidget spinner.…




Nest security camera captures landlord's romp on tenants' bed

Fri, 28 Jul 2017 11:34:08 GMT

Including post-coital clean-up

In yet another demonstration that truth can be stranger than fiction – or at least as strange – a landlord has 'fessed up to entering his married tenants' flat and having sexual relations on their bed.…




The ultimate full English breakfast – have your SAY

Fri, 28 Jul 2017 08:27:04 GMT

Forget Brexit, lets use grease and dead things to heal a gaping political chasm

A turf war has broken out among the scribes at Vulture Towers North over the fried delicacies that should and should not be included in the world famous Full English gut buster Breakfast.…




Bezos' bonkers bank of bucks beats big Bill's brilliant billionaire bundle

Thu, 27 Jul 2017 19:33:25 GMT

President Broflake won't be happy about it

Updated Amazon founder and Washington Post owner Jeff Bezos rode a surge in his web giant's stock price to overtake Microsoft cofounder Bill Gates as the richest person in the world.…




Valley VC sues blogger after sex pest claims, discovers writer is a male tech biz rival

Wed, 26 Jul 2017 23:08:02 GMT

'Whistleblower' IP address leads to dude a few miles away

A Silicon Valley investor accused of sexual harassment by an anonymous blogger has sued the mysterious scribe for defamation – only to find the writer appeared to be a business rival in disguise.…




US vending machine firm plans employee chip implant scheme

Mon, 24 Jul 2017 14:51:16 GMT

50 have supposedly signed up for this

An American company is offering its hapless employees microchip implants as a substitute employee ID card.…




Fan of FBI cosplay? Enjoy freaking out your neighbors? Have we got the eBay auction for you

Fri, 21 Jul 2017 23:28:12 GMT

Get this retired surveillance van for all your totally legitimate above-board activities

A rather unusual auction on eBay could appeal to aspiring spies and X‑Files fantasists alike.…




Volterman 'super wallet': The worst crowdsource video pitch of all time?

Fri, 21 Jul 2017 10:29:06 GMT

The cringe is strong with this one

Do you need a "smart" wallet with a built in front-facing camera and GPS? Of course you don't. Not even with a built-in Wi-Fi hotspot? Well, enough people do to make a success of an Indiegogo project promising just that.…




Burglary, robbery, kidnapping and a shoot-out over… a domain name?!

Fri, 21 Jul 2017 06:02:11 GMT

When transfers go really, really wrong, allegedly

A home break-in that resulted in two men being shot – one of whom was later charged with burglary, robbery and kidnapping – was the result of a domain name dispute, cops have said.…




Authorities go hard on coffee maker for stiff Viagra-powered brew

Fri, 21 Jul 2017 05:03:11 GMT

Is that a DIMM in your pocket or have you been at this banned bean again?

How's this for a stiff one to start the day? We now go live to America, where watchdogs have recalled a batch of coffee for containing an active ingredient very similar to Viagra.…




'Coke dealer' called us after his stash was stolen – cops

Thu, 20 Jul 2017 12:37:16 GMT

Sir, what is your occupation? Um, what?

A man called the cops to report that cash and a bag of Colombian marching powder stashed in his car had been nicked, police arrest documents have revealed.…




Breathless F-35 pilots to get oxygen boost via algorithm tweak

Thu, 20 Jul 2017 08:32:12 GMT

'OMG zillion-dollar jet is hackable' conspiracy theories in 3, 2, 1...

The oxygen deprivation problems that choked F-35 pilots will be fixed through a software update, according to US reports – with the UK's handful of F-35B jets also in line for the fix.…




Stop all news – it's time for us plebs to be told about BBC paycheques!

Wed, 19 Jul 2017 14:50:12 GMT

Sexism in the Telly Tax, sexism in pay deals... where else, Auntie?

Comment The BBC is trembling with excitement following the enforced publication of the annual salaries of on-screen stars earning more than £150,000 at the tax-funded broadcaster.…




Disneyland to become wretched hive of scum and villainy

Wed, 19 Jul 2017 07:14:04 GMT

These might be the Star Wars-themed hotel and rides you are looking for

Disney has revealed plans to create a wretched hive of scum and villainy adjacent to one of its theme parks.…




Jodie Who-ttaker? The Doctor is in

Mon, 17 Jul 2017 13:01:11 GMT

Thirteen? Thirteen? The Doctor Who fans will see you now

The timelord of Doctor Who, a man since 1963, will be portrayed by a woman – actress Jodie Whittaker – for the first time.…




Jesus walks away after 7,000lb pipe van incident

Mon, 17 Jul 2017 11:56:11 GMT

Local cops issue ticket afterwards

Jesus has miraculously survived a great weight from the heavens that should have crushed him to death, according to Florida TV.…




Truck spills slimy load all over Oregon road – drivers slip in eel slick

Fri, 14 Jul 2017 09:52:32 GMT

Korean 'delicacy' cakes cars

It's always The Register's pleasure to remind you that, however bad you think your day is going, someone else has it worse.…




What can you do with adult VR, some bronze gears and a robotic thumb? On a Friday?

Fri, 14 Jul 2017 08:37:09 GMT

Well, it gets a prosthetic thumbs-up from me

Something for the Weekend, Sir? A VR headset is pressing down on the bridge of my nose. The strap is pulling out strands of hair from the back of my head. I have bruised shins after walking into a coffee table.…




'Help! I'm stuck in this ATM,' writes poor bloke on a scribbled note

Fri, 14 Jul 2017 06:06:12 GMT

Cops rescue trapped technician

Police were called to a bank in Corpus Christi, Texas, after a customer getting money out of an ATM was passed a note pleading for help from inside the machine.…




Top tip for all you insider traders: Don't Google 'insider trading' from your work PC

Fri, 14 Jul 2017 05:04:06 GMT

Bloke accused of fraud may well be the Wolf of LOL Street

An MIT postdoctoral staffer was arrested and charged with insider trading after he allegedly searched online for tips on committing the crime.…




Fake Newspaper steals Reg design to spruik storage upstart

Fri, 14 Jul 2017 04:16:16 GMT

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery (but we haven't checked that with our lawyers)

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but perhaps whoever designed the website for storage upstart Weka.io has gone a little too far: when Reg operatives decided to read beyond our story on the company, we found its website appears to have borrowed ours!…




Adult toy retailer slapped down for 'RES-ERECTI*N' ad over Easter

Wed, 12 Jul 2017 12:29:03 GMT

Didn't manage to pull it off

Adult toys and lingerie retailer Honey Birdette was today placed on the naughty step by the UK's egg-xacting watchdog the Advertising Standards Authority for mixing sex and religion in a promotion over Easter.…




May the excessive force be with you: Chap cuffed after Star Trek v Star Wars row turns bloody

Fri, 07 Jul 2017 23:30:29 GMT

Settle this like the illogical humans you are – vote on which is best

Poll A bloke was arrested after a shouting match with a pal over Star Wars versus Star Trek led to blood being spilled.…




Bonkers call to boycott Raspberry Pi Foundation over 'gay agenda'

Tue, 04 Jul 2017 14:25:05 GMT

This week, in crappy online petition land...

Few could argue with what the Raspberry Pi has achieved. As well as inspiring countless youngsters into computing, the tiny affordable gadget is beloved by amateur and professional techies alike.…




One thought equivalent to less than a single proton in mass

Tue, 04 Jul 2017 12:36:07 GMT

Fraction required to equal one Katie Hopkins column still unknown

Reg Standards Bureau A headline in the venerable New Scientist magazine "Protons are lighter than thought" has prompted El Reg's Standards Bureau to consider the notion of thought as a small unit of mass.…