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Copyright: Copyright 2017, Situation Publishing
 



Seven pet h8s: Verity is sorely vexed

Fri, 20 Jan 2017 10:03:09 GMT

Where's pocket Bjarne Stroustrup when you need him?

Stob Peter Wayner, a tech columnist, claims to have identified the seven most vexing problems in programming. According to his subheadings, these are: multithreading, closures, "too big data", np-completeness, security, encryption and identity management.…




My hole is a private thing – see for yourself

Fri, 20 Jan 2017 09:01:12 GMT

I am guilty of too much clouded thinking

Something for the Weekend, Sir? My neighbours are staring at my hole and shaking their heads disapprovingly. They were a little surprised to receive my invitation to view my orifice, and it may not be as big as theirs, but I needed their advice on how to fill it.…




Assange reverse-ferrets on promise to fly to US post-Manning clemency

Fri, 20 Jan 2017 00:51:35 GMT

WikiLeaker folds hand in pledge poker

If US investigators were hoping WikiLeaks boss Julian Assange would be deliver himself into their hands, then they are due for a disappointment.…




Lord of the Dance set to deliver high kicks at Trump’s big ball

Thu, 19 Jan 2017 13:49:24 GMT

Fearless Flatley flouts inauguration boycott

Fears that Donald Trump inauguration will be more winalot than Camelot have abated, with the news that renowned trad Irish hoofer Michael Flatley will parachute in his Lord of the Dance troupe to Friday’s virtually celeb-free inauguration.…




Zuck off: Facebook's big kahuna sues Hawaiians to kick 'em off their land

Thu, 19 Jan 2017 07:29:06 GMT

Stop us if you've heard this one before – billionaire fights to turf people out of private paradise

Facebook boss Mark Zuckerberg is suing dozens of families in Hawaii to force them to give up land they've owned for generations.…




Meet 'Moz://a', AKA Mozilla after it picked a new logo

Thu, 19 Jan 2017 03:03:08 GMT

It woz El Reg wot done it - you picked this one last year

LOGOWATCH When Mozilla floated new logo designs last August The Reg polled readers to ask which of the eight candidates you felt would best represent the open sourcerers.…




Blockchain: A digital 'golden section' that's the 'gestalt of its pieces'

Wed, 18 Jan 2017 12:33:44 GMT

More adventures in fintech

Logowatch From the world of fintech comes some momentous news.…




Japan's terrifying techno-toilets will be made foreigner friendly, vow makers

Wed, 18 Jan 2017 11:24:08 GMT

Hallelujah for the planned ISO symbol standard!

Japan’s electronic toilet-makers have vowed to clean up the baffling symbols on their techno-khazis so anyone can crimp one off in the Land of the Rising Sun “with peace of mind”.…




Trump fan Peter Thiel 'considering' CA Terminator role*

Mon, 16 Jan 2017 21:03:07 GMT

*California State Governor

Peter Thiel, the only tech billionaire to back Donald Trump, is reported to be considering a run for governor of California.…




Tech moguls dominate Oxfam's rich people Hateful 8

Mon, 16 Jan 2017 12:00:47 GMT

They've got as much money as half the world, scolds charity

Five of the world's eight fattest fat cats, whose collective wealth equals that of the world's 3.6 billion poorest people – according to a new report by Oxfam – are technology billionaires.…




Flight 666 lands safely in HEL on Friday the 13th

Sun, 15 Jan 2017 22:50:55 GMT

13-year-old aircraft left gate 13 and landed at 13:31

Finnish flag carrier Finnair has successfully flown the devil to hell on Friday the 13th.…




Mr Angry pays taxman with five wheelbarrows worth of loose change

Fri, 13 Jan 2017 16:36:13 GMT

300,000 coins to count but just one digit that mattered, the middle one

Reg Standards Bureau There are supposedly two certainties in life – death and taxes – and while we've never seen death by wheelbarrow, Nick Stafford from Cedar Buff, Virginia, has sorted us out on the latter.…




Now that's a Blue Screen of Death: Windows 10 told me to jump off a cliff

Fri, 13 Jan 2017 07:28:03 GMT

Microsoft smuggles suicide encouragement manual into operating system

Pic By now, Windows 10 users have grown accustomed to the photos and inspirational quotes from Microsoft adorning their lock screens.…




Clone wars: Wrestler sues Microsoft over Gears of War character

Thu, 12 Jan 2017 23:33:47 GMT

Hard Rock Hamilton claims Cole Train was modeled on him – and he wants damages

A former football player, professional wrestler, and motivational speaker is suing Microsoft, claiming an iconic character in Redmond's Gears of War game ripped off his likeness.…




Terry Pratchett's self-written documentary to be broadcast in 2017

Thu, 12 Jan 2017 15:40:07 GMT

Back In Black coming to BBC 2 soon

The BBC has announced that it will this year broadcast Terry Pratchett's last story: His own.…




AWS, you crack us up. Rebrands Westminster 'Webminster'

Thu, 12 Jan 2017 13:58:04 GMT

Nothing to do with gov shifting to its cloudy services, apparently

LogoWatch Confused commuters disembarked at Westminster tube this morning to discover the station at the seat of power had been rebranded "Webminster" in a "hilarious" guerilla marketing campaign by Amazon Web Services.…




Weaky-leaks: Furious fans roast Assange in web interview from hell

Thu, 12 Jan 2017 06:32:06 GMT

Ecuadorian broom cupboard denizen refuses to cough up info for once

Video WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was blasted by fans during a live online Q&A – after he, for once in his life, refused to disclose information.…




Crumbs. Exceedingly good cakes, meat dressing price hike in wake of the Brexit

Tue, 10 Jan 2017 16:03:51 GMT

Mr Kipling and Bisto prices on the up, owner confirms

Life is about to get more expensive for anyone in Britain that favours a French Fancy, an Angel Slice or indeed any other “exceedingly good” cake from a certain baker.…




Let's go ARM wrestling with an SEO link spammer

Tue, 10 Jan 2017 12:57:08 GMT

Love your content about muscle! (and a proposal)

Many times a week we get emails from SEO link spamming bunnies asking us to add links to Reg stories, often many years old. We always say no - and mark as spam.…




Happy 20th birthday to the RADIUS RFC

Tue, 10 Jan 2017 04:56:06 GMT

In January 1997, the Internet learned to count

January 2017 marks the twentieth year since the birth of an important Internet Request for Comment – a then-new way to account for customer's use of their then dial-up services.…




Man jailed for 3 days after Texas cops confuse cat litter for meth

Mon, 09 Jan 2017 11:41:06 GMT

Press-released their pride at taking down kingpin...

Spare a thought for Ross LeBeau, who spent three days in jail when Texas cops confused cat litter for methamphetamine during a routine traffic stop.…




Slim pickings by the Biggest Loser: A year of fitness wearables

Fri, 06 Jan 2017 10:02:12 GMT

My little runaway. A run run run run a runaway

Something for the Weekend, Sir? Welcome back. Did you manage to take some time off over the Christmas holiday or were you (figuratively) chained to a (virtual) roomful of (literally) overheating blades?…




Forget aircraft – now cretins are laser-blinding ferry boat crewmen

Thu, 05 Jan 2017 23:56:14 GMT

Gadget-grasping goon gets $9,500 fine and jail time

The Washington State Ferry service, on the US west coast, appears to have some high-tech enemies: a series of laser attacks have been fired at pilots on the craft that serve Seattle's Elliott Bay and the surrounding locales.…




Hapless scouser scours streets for lost Crimble drone

Thu, 05 Jan 2017 14:35:17 GMT

Puppies and pussies ousted from lamp-posts by free-ranging tech toys

Pic If your heart sinks every time you see a badly photocopied picture of a missing cat, we’ve got some good news. They’re about to be replaced by far better quality pics of missing drones.…




Assange confirmed alive, tells Fox: Prez Obama 'acting like a lawyer'

Wed, 04 Jan 2017 16:10:07 GMT

Failed US Veep candidate Palin's wailin: I was wrong about you, pale one!

Julian Assange has been interviewed for the first time in months, putting to bed rumours he'd been kidnapped, while also disputing claims that Russia contributed to WikiLeaks' offerings during the US Presidential election.…




My fortnight eating Blighty's own human fart-powder

Wed, 04 Jan 2017 09:26:05 GMT

Sir, I challenge you to a Huel

The very phrase "food substitute" is enough to strike fear into the hearts of the Full-English loving workforce, and perhaps rightly so.…




Vinyl and streaming sales offset CD decline in UK music sales

Tue, 03 Jan 2017 13:24:11 GMT

You mean that's not a beer coaster?

Vinyl sales, which reached a 25-year high, and a continued increase in streaming offset decline in CD sales as music consumption rose last year, according to official music industry figures.…




Amazon files patent for 'Death Star' flying warehouse

Thu, 29 Dec 2016 15:01:07 GMT

A drone flying over a human face forever

In an image straight out of a dystopian consumerist vision of the future, Amazon has filed a patent for a huge flying warehouses equipped with fleets of drones for airborne drops.…




The Life and Times of Lester Haines

Tue, 27 Dec 2016 11:15:10 GMT

Shed boffin, dad, sparks, punk rocker, wordsmith, pic-snapper, friend. We miss you

Obit "So what are going to say about him now that he’s gone? Are you going to say he was a good man? Will you be saying he was a happy man?...  Fuck no."…




What gifts did ol' kitten heels May get this year?

Thu, 22 Dec 2016 13:35:06 GMT

Shoes and handbags, of course

Working out what to get anyone for Christmas is tricky, so you can be forgiven for falling back on broad stereotypes. A drill for dad. Perfume for the girlfriend. Wirecutters for BOFH.…




How Rogue One's Imperial stormtroopers SAVED Star Wars and restored order

Thu, 22 Dec 2016 12:31:08 GMT

And why the rebellion is COOL again (warning contains Rogue One spoilers)

It’s on: the fight over Rogue One or Force Awakens. Which was better? Which has the best bad character - is it calculating Commander Orson Krennic or bratty Kylo Ren?…




Softcat centrefolds wrap up for charity

Wed, 21 Dec 2016 12:04:10 GMT

Directors told, 'Here's some cash, now for god sake GET your kit ON

Under the weight of customer demand - we presume - the powers that be at London-listed reseller Softcat this year agreed to not appear naked in the Christmas digital greetings card.…




Elon Musk wants to get into the boring business, literally

Mon, 19 Dec 2016 04:18:11 GMT

Can you dig it? Yes you will, if you're tired of being stuck in traffic

Elon Musk has fired off a series of Tweets suggesting he wants to get into the boring business. As in boring tunnels.…




Santa's sleigh gets 21st century makeover

Fri, 16 Dec 2016 16:01:05 GMT

£200,000 ex VAT and the prototype ... not that any will ever be made

NSF Kids Santa is going to get* a turbo charged helper this Xmas in the form a of the GS-900 gadget sleigh.…




Will Wikipedia honour Jimbo's promise to STOP chugging?

Fri, 16 Dec 2016 13:07:04 GMT

WMF meets December Sprint fundraising target. Let's see.

Will Wikipedia halt its guilt-inducing appeals for cash, as Jimmy Wales promised it would, once it reaches its fundraising goal for this year?…




Meat pies in SPAAAAAAAAAAAACE!

Fri, 16 Dec 2016 11:46:39 GMT

Wiganites in record freezer burn turn

Pie-lovers were given a novel but unrecommended way to freeze a meaty delight this week by sending the little beauty into space*.…




Not OK Google: Tree-loving family turns down Page and pals' $7m

Thu, 15 Dec 2016 23:28:05 GMT

That said: Nearly 10 million bucks for one acre of land? Take it and buy Montana

It seems that there is something that Google can't buy, beg or steal: a small piece of land right in the heart of its Silicon Valley campus.…




Poor software design led to second £1m Army spy drone crash

Thu, 15 Dec 2016 16:18:11 GMT

Thales Watchkeeper WK006 dived itself into Boscombe Down's runway

An Army Watchkeeper drone flown by the Royal Artillery crashed on landing after its crew selected the self-flying craft’s “master override” function, according to the official report into the accident.…




WINNER! Crush your loved ones at Connect Four this Christmas

Thu, 15 Dec 2016 09:03:14 GMT

Using science to own old-school games

With Christmas Day within sight, it’s time to dust off your Monopoly set and concentrate on your Settler’s strategy. Or, maybe, consider some new board-game purchases. It’s not just me caught up in this wave of nostalgia – venerated institution the Victoria and Albert Museum is hosting a major board game retrospective. Of late, games clubs – such as the one in Hackney where your correspondent is practising her potentially world class Carcassonne skills for next year’s UK games Expo – seem to be springing up like weeds.…




Rogue One: This is the Star Wars back story you've been looking for

Wed, 14 Dec 2016 16:42:19 GMT

And tech plays a huge part because Death Star plans have no password and are too big to upload quickly

SPOILERS Rogue One is a fine addition to the cinematic Star Wars canon, and almost perfectly tailored for Register readers to mock.…




Trump meets Google – exclusive transcript

Wed, 14 Dec 2016 09:54:11 GMT

Imagining the Eric, the Larry and the Donald

After meeting Kanye West, President-elect Trump will meet Google and other Silicon Valley leaders today. We've imagined how the conversation might go.…




Blue sky basic income thinking is b****cks

Wed, 14 Dec 2016 09:36:08 GMT

Say hello to your AI-powered robo-chatbot-barista

Storage Blockhead How on Earth did this nonsense about a basic income come about, with its inability to understand governments' thinking on paying benefits?…




'Emoji translator' sought by translations firm

Wed, 14 Dec 2016 05:58:08 GMT

Job ad says software is lousy at this task and it needs a human to do the job!

London language translation firm Today Translations has advertised for an TEXT “Emoji translator/specialist.”…




Military reservist bemoans frost-bitten baby-maker on Antarctic trek

Mon, 12 Dec 2016 14:32:08 GMT

Today we learned there was such a thing as polar penis. All in the name of charidee

The nights are drawing in*, and there’s certainly a chill wind blowing across Blighty, but it's not so cold that it would freeze your knackers off. Not like poor old adventurer Alex Brazier, who is suffering from Polar Penis in his 1,100 mile journey across Antarctica.…




China is building a full scale replica of the Titanic to repeatedly crash into iceberg

Thu, 08 Dec 2016 16:52:10 GMT

'All the original function is so incredible' – Peter Mandelson

A proposed Chinese theme park has started to build a full-sized replica of the Titanic so tourists can experience over and over again the moment which led to the deaths of 1,500 people – a project endorsed by New Labour minister Peter Mandelson.…




Burning desire helped us collar arson suspect, claim Danish cops

Wed, 07 Dec 2016 14:28:16 GMT

'DNA' evidence used to track suspect on trial this week

A Danish man being tried for arson offences might have not have been nabbed by cops if he hadn’t stopped for a five-knuckle shuffle in public, a police spokesman told a local TV crew.…




Privacy is theft! Dave Eggers' big-screen takedown of Google and Facebook emerges

Wed, 07 Dec 2016 11:27:07 GMT

Resistance is futile

The Circle, Dave Eggers' novel about a society dominated by an omniscient, cult-like Silicon Valley internet company, has been given the big-screen treatment, with the trailer emerging this week. The movie's promo site has a witty parody of the "onboarding" process for a web platform – enjoy the unreadable EULA as it flashes past, and all your privacy and personal data is slurped up.…




HMS Illustrious sets sail for scrapyard after last-ditch bid fails

Wed, 07 Dec 2016 10:01:05 GMT

Venerable aircraft carrier makes her final journey

Updated Venerable aircraft carrier HMS Illustrious leaves Britain today on her final journey to a Turkish scrapyard, despite efforts to preserve her for the nation as a museum ship.…




Wannabe Cali governor gives up against beach-blocking billionaire VC

Tue, 06 Dec 2016 22:42:51 GMT

Gavin Newsom pleads with Vinod Khosla to end dispute over much-loved shoreline

With one eye on the governorship of California in 2018, Lieutenant Governor Gavin Newsom backed down from a fight with billionaire VC Vinod Khosla on Tuesday over controversial access to a beach.…




England OUT (of Euro 2016, not the EU) tops Twitter year

Tue, 06 Dec 2016 15:30:13 GMT

How to record it

Britain’s shock Euro 2016 defeat to Iceland was the UK’s most tweeted event of the year, according to Twitter.…