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Preview: The Register - Odds and Sods: Bootnotes

The Register - Bootnotes

Biting the hand that feeds IT

Copyright: Copyright 2017, Situation Publishing

A webcam is not so much a leering eye as the barrel of a gun

Fri, 17 Feb 2017 10:05:40 GMT

It wants to see me stripped

Something for the Weekend, Sir? “Strip it off!” commands a disembodied voice. “We want to see what you’ve got!”…

FAKE BREWS: America rocked by 'craft beer' scandal allegations

Fri, 17 Feb 2017 06:26:12 GMT

Retail mega-giant accused in lawsuit of being lying IPA-holes

US big-box chain Walmart is being sued by an Ohio bloke who claims the retailer's line of "craft beers" is an egregious lie.…

Nul points for Ukraine's Eurovision ticket site fail

Thu, 16 Feb 2017 15:06:13 GMT

Glitch left fans without seats

Eurovision fans purchasing tickets to the event in Ukraine this year were left frustrated due to a number of technical and payment issues with the website last night.…

Kings College London bods recruit members for penis ring study

Tue, 14 Feb 2017 16:17:05 GMT

'One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness... oh sh*t, it's come off'

Boffins at Kings College London are looking for gents in committed relationships who don't mind slipping a variety of rings over their old fellas to measure the relationship between satisfaction and depth of penetration during sexual intercourse.…

Get orf the air over moi land Irish farmer roars at drones

Fri, 10 Feb 2017 16:03:06 GMT

Pledges to eradicate drone burglary threat by 'any means necessary'

A farmer in County Tipperary has declared war on drones, claiming criminals are using the buzz-some devices to scope out rural areas for burglaries.…

All of Blighty's attack submarines are out of action – report

Fri, 10 Feb 2017 13:03:12 GMT

No boats capable of chasing off naughty Russians, we're told

None of the Royal Navy's seven attack submarines are deployed on operations at the moment, according to reports, which potentially threatens the security of Britain's nuclear deterrent.…

You want WHO?! Reg readers vote Tom Baker for Doctor 13. Of course

Fri, 10 Feb 2017 12:28:05 GMT

The commentards have spoken. BBC, take heed

To be cast as Doctor Who once might be regarded as fortunate, but to be Doctor twice would be AWESOME!…

Welcome to my world of The Unexplained – yes, you're welcome to it

Fri, 10 Feb 2017 10:33:11 GMT

Pleading guilty to assault on battery

Something for the Weekend, Sir? I'm getting funny dreams again. Either that or I have stepped into one of Arthur C Clarke's episodes of Mysterious World of The Unexplained albeit without the Sri Lankan foliage and Eric Morecambe glasses.…

Prepare your popcorn: Wikipedia deems the Daily Mail unreliable

Thu, 09 Feb 2017 17:32:08 GMT

Stage set for Jimbo Wales vs Paul Dacre. Who will win?

Welcome, Mr Dacre. Wikipedia editors have voted to put The Daily Mail in the sin bin – alongside The Register.…

The best of Reg readers' David Hockney-style logo redesigns

Wed, 08 Feb 2017 09:03:07 GMT

We called; your digital crayons answered

Pics Last week we challenged our commentards to redesign The Register's masthead in the style of David Hockney, after the artist scrawled over The Sun's logo in Paintbrush.…

Last Concorde completes last journey, at maybe Mach 0.02

Wed, 08 Feb 2017 08:20:06 GMT

Concorde 216 rolls into its very own hangar at Aerospace Bristol museum

VID The last Concorde to take to the skies, G-BOAF (216), has come to a stop for the final time in the soon-to-open Aerospace Bristol museum.…

RAF pilot sent jet into 4,000ft plummet by playing with camera, court martial hears

Tue, 07 Feb 2017 17:57:13 GMT

Offending DSLR became 'wedged behind control stick'

An RAF pilot sent his military airliner into a dramatic dive after the DSLR camera he was mucking about with became wedged in the aircraft's controls, a court martial heard yesterday.…

Canadian telco bans a little four-letter dirty word from texts: U B E R

Tue, 07 Feb 2017 00:53:30 GMT

Super Canucks go ballistic: Uber filter's bogus (and writing these headlines is a sign of psychosis)

A Canadian phone network says a wayward spam filter is to blame for blocking text messages that contained the word "Uber".…

Parents have no idea when kidz txt m8s 'KMS' or '99'

Mon, 06 Feb 2017 17:13:07 GMT

But unlike David Cameron, they know what LOL means

Most adults have no idea what their kids mean when they use text terms such as "KMS", "99" or emoji faces with cross eyes, according to an unsurprising piece of research by BT.…

A non-Standards Soviet approved measure of weight? Sod off, BBC!

Mon, 06 Feb 2017 11:06:09 GMT

Our 1,600 KiloJubs beat your 23 Kelpies

An eagle-eyed Reg reader has spotted a dastardly BBC attempt to muscle in on the Reg Standards Soviet’s turf – by devising a new and highly unauthorised measure of weight.…

Who do you want to be Who? VOTE for the BBC's next Time Lord

Fri, 03 Feb 2017 12:33:12 GMT

Decisions, decisions. Lucky number 13?

Poll Peter Capaldi will demateralise as the 12th Time Lord this Christmas after four years.…

Would you like to know why I get a lot of action at night?

Fri, 03 Feb 2017 10:32:12 GMT

I'm an 'early riser', if you know what I mean

Something for the Weekend, Sir? I've been up all night, doing the business like hammer and tongs, going at it again and again. I can be relentless when I'm on the job – a man of action and drama.…

David Hockney creates new Sun masthead. Now for The Reg...

Fri, 03 Feb 2017 08:33:06 GMT

Over to you, dear readers. Start your MS Paint engines!

Logowatch Artist David Hockney has redesigned the masthead of The Sun newspaper – and in the spirit of free expression and artistic endeavour we want you, dear Reg readers, to join us in honouring this beacon moment in the cultural life of Great Britain.…

'Completely offended' Sheila calls cops over price-gouging ganja dealer

Thu, 02 Feb 2017 13:24:08 GMT

Oz police go watchdog over profiteering pot-pushers

Aussie coppers have got into the consumer rights business after a distraught stoner turned to them to complain about profiteering by her local pot dealer.…

New measurement alerts! Badgers, great white sharks and the Lindisfarne Gospel

Thu, 02 Feb 2017 12:55:08 GMT

Las Vegas hotel changes world

Reg Standards Bureau Our thanks today are due to Michelle O'Sullivan, late of this parish, who snapped a wonderful poster boasting to residents of the LINQ Hotel in Las Vegas of its recycling prowess.…

Coming to the big screen: Sci-fi epic Dune – no wait, wait, wait, this one might be good

Thu, 02 Feb 2017 07:34:09 GMT

He who controls the film rights controls the universe

The legendary sci-fi novel Dune is going to be turned into a movie again – and, thanks to director Denis Villeneuve, it may not suck.…

Ohio bloke accused of torching own home after his pacemaker rats him out to cops

Wed, 01 Feb 2017 23:49:31 GMT

Snitches get stitches

A man has been indicted on arson and insurance fraud charges after police got hold of readings from his pacemaker that called his alibi into question.…

Well-rested women in danger of bouncing their men into early grave

Wed, 01 Feb 2017 13:37:05 GMT

Better sleep means better bedroom action for women over 50

Older women getting their full quota of kip are far more likely to be getting a full quota of other types of bedroom action too, research by the North American Menopause Society has shown.…

Parliamentary Trump-off? Pro-Donald petition passes 100k signatures

Tue, 31 Jan 2017 16:00:08 GMT

Furious clicktivists wear out keyboards in online virtue-signalling battle

Proving that democracy is just fine in the internet era, a petition demanding that Donald Trump should be invited to make a state visit to the UK has passed 100,000 signatures – passing the threshold to be "considered" for a Parliamentary debate.…

Corn-based diet turns French hamsters into baby eating cannibals

Mon, 30 Jan 2017 15:33:26 GMT

Hammy eating pups alive

French farmers’ embrace of modern farming is turning the already endangered local hamster population into black-tongued baby eating pyschos, scientists have found.…

God save the Queen... from Donald Trump. So say 1 million Britons

Mon, 30 Jan 2017 11:32:58 GMT

Parliament receives petition to prevent President's state visit

More than a million Britons have signed an online petition begging the government to prevent American President Donald Trump from making a state visit to the United Kingdom.…

'Maker' couple asphyxiated, probably by laser cutter fumes

Mon, 30 Jan 2017 04:02:11 GMT

Don't try this at home. And if you do, please RTFM about ventilation

About that “3D laser printer killed Berkeley couple” story? It's more likely to have been a laser cutter.…

Police pull up van man engaged in dual carriageway sex act

Sat, 28 Jan 2017 08:18:06 GMT

Not the first time we've come across this, say cops

A randy van man faces three points or a driver education course after he and a female passenger were nabbed in flagrante while whizzing down the A3 at Guildford in Surrey, England, yesterday.…

Did you know? The FBI investigated Gamergate. Now you can read the agents' thrilling dossier

Fri, 27 Jan 2017 21:24:50 GMT

Yes, we're being sarcastic. We're always sarcastic

The FBI has released documents detailing its inconclusive investigation into threats made by online gamers against several women that started in 2014, particularly media critic Anita Sarkeesian and game developer Brianna Wu.…

Counter-terror cops arrest pair for sending poo-smeared toilet paper to public figures

Fri, 27 Jan 2017 15:59:05 GMT

Still better than most of the press releases we receive

An Italian couple have been nicked by counter-terror cops for, some, er, smearing letters they had sent to public figures.…

Devonians try to drive Dartmoor whisky plan onto rocks

Fri, 27 Jan 2017 13:58:30 GMT

Distillery needs a pagoda like a whole in the roof

Devonians are up in arms after plans for a whisky, or possibly whiskey, distillery on Dartmoor were derided as “too Scottish”. Or possibly too Japanese.. Or maybe even too Irish.*…


Fri, 27 Jan 2017 11:55:10 GMT

Factivism vs Trump

¡Bong! While I was flying from Davos to DC for the inauguration of President Trump, a quiet revolution was being planned in the heart of the American countryside.…

Huzzah! Doctor Who comes to Playmoverse

Fri, 27 Jan 2017 11:21:11 GMT

Six inches of Tom Baker and Matt Smith for 'collectors'

There already exist Doctor Who action figures but who wants anatomically correct when you get can six inches of chunky plastic?…

2017 is already fail: Let’s try a Chinese reboot

Fri, 27 Jan 2017 10:02:50 GMT

That’s the way the cookie crumbles

Something for the Weekend, Sir? At this stage of my life, I’m only good for quickies. So let’s make it quick, please, as I’m late for a meeting.…

Doomsday Clock moves to 150 seconds before midnight. Thanks, Trump

Thu, 26 Jan 2017 23:58:12 GMT

Closest setting to doom since the heady days of 1953

The Doomsday Clock, maintained for the past 70 years by the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists, has been moved to two and a half minutes from midnight following the election of Donald Trump.…

Chinese bloke cycles 500km to get home... in the wrong direction

Thu, 26 Jan 2017 12:57:13 GMT

Pipe down, London commuters on Southern Rail

A migrant worker in China, hoping to cycle back home for Chinese New Year, realised a month into his 2,000km trip that he had been going the wrong way.…

I'LL BE BATT: Arnie Schwarzenegger snubs gas guzzlers for electric

Wed, 25 Jan 2017 07:40:04 GMT

Meanwhile, Faraday's Future looks like the debtor's prison

Former bodybuilder, movie star and California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has gone electric.…

Irish townsfolk besieged by confused smut channel callers

Tue, 24 Jan 2017 14:17:26 GMT

Gov spokesperson promises Mr Ring he’ll get to the bottom of it

Residents of the picturesque town of Westport, County Mayo are being driven to distraction by their confused countrymen attempting to call UK-based late night smut channel Babestation sans international dialling code.…

Batman v Superman leads Razzie nominations

Tue, 24 Jan 2017 12:15:11 GMT

Flip side of the La La Land love-in

This year’s Razzie nominations - celebrating the worst that Hollywood has to offer - are in, with Zoolander No. 2 and Batman v Superman leading the pack with the most nominations.…

Make America, wait, what again? US Army may need foreign weapons to keep up

Mon, 23 Jan 2017 20:18:17 GMT

Putting the US of A first could require arms from Europe

Making America great again may require foreign-made weapon systems, a possibility that would contravene the Trump administration's stated goal to "buy American and hire American."…

Annoyingly precocious teen who ruined Trek is now an asteroid

Sun, 22 Jan 2017 20:44:00 GMT

Asteroid 391257 is now Asteroid Wil Wheaton

Actor Asteroid 391257, who rose to prominence for playing annoyingly precocious teen Starfleet member Wesley Crusher in Star Trek: The Next Generation, now has an asteroid named after him.…

Seven pet h8s: Verity is sorely vexed

Fri, 20 Jan 2017 10:03:09 GMT

Where's pocket Bjarne Stroustrup when you need him?

Stob Peter Wayner, a tech columnist, claims to have identified the seven most vexing problems in programming. According to his subheadings, these are: multithreading, closures, "too big data", np-completeness, security, encryption and identity management.…

My hole is a private thing – see for yourself

Fri, 20 Jan 2017 09:01:12 GMT

I am guilty of too much clouded thinking

Something for the Weekend, Sir? My neighbours are staring at my hole and shaking their heads disapprovingly. They were a little surprised to receive my invitation to view my orifice, and it may not be as big as theirs, but I needed their advice on how to fill it.…

Assange reverse-ferrets on promise to fly to US post-Manning clemency

Fri, 20 Jan 2017 00:51:35 GMT

WikiLeaker folds hand in pledge poker

If US investigators were hoping WikiLeaks boss Julian Assange would be deliver himself into their hands, then they are due for a disappointment.…

Lord of the Dance set to deliver high kicks at Trump’s big ball

Thu, 19 Jan 2017 13:49:24 GMT

Fearless Flatley flouts inauguration boycott

Fears that Donald Trump inauguration will be more winalot than Camelot have abated, with the news that renowned trad Irish hoofer Michael Flatley will parachute in his Lord of the Dance troupe to Friday’s virtually celeb-free inauguration.…

Zuck off: Facebook's big kahuna sues Hawaiians to kick 'em off their land

Thu, 19 Jan 2017 07:29:06 GMT

Billionaire hopes to turf people out of his private paradise

Updated Facebook boss Mark Zuckerberg is suing dozens of families in Hawaii to force them to give up land they've owned for generations.…

Meet 'Moz://a', AKA Mozilla after it picked a new logo

Thu, 19 Jan 2017 03:03:08 GMT

It woz El Reg wot done it - you picked this one last year

LOGOWATCH When Mozilla floated new logo designs last August The Reg polled readers to ask which of the eight candidates you felt would best represent the open sourcerers.…

Blockchain: A digital 'golden section' that's the 'gestalt of its pieces'

Wed, 18 Jan 2017 12:33:44 GMT

More adventures in fintech

Logowatch From the world of fintech comes some momentous news.…

Japan's terrifying techno-toilets will be made foreigner friendly, vow makers

Wed, 18 Jan 2017 11:24:08 GMT

Hallelujah for the planned ISO symbol standard!

Japan’s electronic toilet-makers have vowed to clean up the baffling symbols on their techno-khazis so anyone can crimp one off in the Land of the Rising Sun “with peace of mind”.…

Trump fan Peter Thiel 'considering' CA Terminator role*

Mon, 16 Jan 2017 21:03:07 GMT

*California State Governor

Peter Thiel, the only tech billionaire to back Donald Trump, is reported to be considering a run for governor of California.…