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Preview: The Register - Odds and Sods: Bootnotes

The Register - Bootnotes

Biting the hand that feeds IT

Copyright: Copyright 2016, Situation Publishing

Apple's Breaxit scandal: Frenchman smashes up €50,000 of iThings with his big metal balls

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 20:33:30 GMT

Fuming frenchie causes a oui bit of damage

A French man has been charged after he stormed into an Apple store and smashed up iPhones and MacBooks using a metal ball that is more commonly used for the traditional game of pétanque.…

Portsmouth bomb about to be detonated

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 12:05:07 GMT

Watch out on the Isle of Wight

Dredgers clearing Portsmouth harbour in the UK have found yet another unexploded Second World War bomb.…

Dublin shopkeeper catches forecourt fouler with his pants down

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 11:41:48 GMT

Breathless reporter probes curbside crapper

An after midnight muckspreader who has been terrorising a Dublin* neighbourhood has been caught in the act by the very shopkeeper whose forecourt he’d been befouling.…

One-way Martian ticket: Pick passengers for Musk's first Mars pioneer squad

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 11:17:34 GMT

Return trip, ya say? Sure, in another two years

Admit it. You were tempted to fulfil your sci-fi fantasy – no, not that one – and apply to Mars One Foundation to become a Red Planet pioneer three years back.…

What’s that Sooty? You want a girlfriend?

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 11:00:13 GMT

BBC DG intervened in sexy puppet row

The BBC Director-General was forced to intervene in a row over providing children’s puppet Sooty with a lady friend.…

Londoners react with horror to Tube Chat initiative

Thu, 29 Sep 2016 14:02:06 GMT

‘Someone tried to greet me’ splutters tearful Reg production chief

London’s commuters were plunged into terror this week as a shadowy organisation attempted to turn decades of convention on its head by encouraging people to talk to one another.…

What a time to be alive: Nissan reveals self-driving chair

Thu, 29 Sep 2016 05:30:13 GMT

Tired of standing in queues? Auto-maker says it's solved serious societal problem

POLL Nissan has revealed a thing called the “ProPILOT Chair” that it says exemplifies “the benefits of its intelligent mobility technology” because it “ automatically queues on behalf of its occupant, sparing them the hassle of standing in line.”…

Redback sinks fangs into Aussie's todger AGAIN... second time in five months

Wed, 28 Sep 2016 11:16:12 GMT

Man vows to steer clear of outside dunnies, 'I'll hold on for dear life'

An Aussie builder has endured the agony of being bitten on the todger by a redback spider for the second time in five months*.…

The wait is over: MoD releases latest issue of Ship Paint Monthly

Wed, 28 Sep 2016 09:23:08 GMT

Know when to opt for wet abrasive blasting or Self Polishing Copolymer?

Mad mags The Ministry of Defence's naval arm maintains a regular publication focused entirely on types and shades of paint. It is not a spoof – or if it is, someone's gone to some serious lengths on a windup.…

Disney rollercoaster helps pop out kidney stones

Tue, 27 Sep 2016 12:38:09 GMT

We're not even taking the piss

A study from Michigan State University has found that a ride on a rollercoaster is just the ticket for those needing help in passing a kidney stone.…

It's Pablo Pic-arsehole: Turner Prize wannabe hits rock bottom

Tue, 27 Sep 2016 05:33:08 GMT

A pretty pile of penny coins, a train set and more twee crap vie for this year's bonkers art gong

A giant sculpture of a human arse, £20,000 in one-pence coins, and an off-the-shelf model train are some of the exhibits competing for this year's Turner Prize.…

Matt LeBlanc handed £1.5m to front next two series of Top Gear

Mon, 26 Sep 2016 12:43:05 GMT

Who needs a ginger sidekick anyway?

Former Friends star Matt MeBlanc has penned a £1.5m deal with licence fee payers of the BBC to front up Top Gear for the next two series.…

Silicon Valley’s top exorcist rushed off his feet as Demons infest California

Mon, 26 Sep 2016 11:15:06 GMT

Poor mental healthcare, internet porn also a problem confirms priest

A Catholic priest has said virtually all his free time is taken up with exorcisms these days as he struggles to counter the tide of demonic possession washing up Silicon Valley and the rest of Northern California.…

Ever longed to be naked in Paris? City council votes TODAY

Mon, 26 Sep 2016 10:45:05 GMT

Finally! A solution to the croissant crumb problem

French nationals, tourists - in fact anyone and everyone - may soon be able to get their kit off and walk through Paris - well, a designated area - without fear of a hefty fine.…

The law is an ass: Mooning banned at arse end of the world

Mon, 26 Sep 2016 05:02:14 GMT

'Obscene songs' also get the ban-hammer in the Australian State of Victoria

Buttnote Public service announcement: if you're going on a bender in the Australian city of Melbourne, do not indulge in the practice of “mooning”, because you could end up with your arse in jail (and the rest of you).…

R2D2 delivery robots to scurry through the streets of San Francisco

Sun, 25 Sep 2016 11:26:12 GMT

Have the makers SEEN the rates of street crime here?

An Estonian robotics company is trialling six-wheeled delivery robots that can trundle through San Francisco delivering goods to the local population.…

Days are numbered for the Czech Republic

Sat, 24 Sep 2016 11:15:08 GMT

Na shledanou Česká republika, dobry den Czechia!

The British government will start referring to Czechia rather than the Czech Republic, following advice from an official committee.…

Shopkeeper installs forecourt khazi to counter mystery Dublin dung dumper

Fri, 23 Sep 2016 11:43:04 GMT

‘You’d swear a horse did it,’ says appalled retailer

A desperate Dublin shopkeeper has placed a toilet and a pile of his very competitvely priced bog roll on the pavement outside his shop after a series of visits from a loose boweled night owl.…

Jeremy Clarkson and Co. rise to top for Great British Bake Off replacements

Fri, 23 Sep 2016 11:20:05 GMT

Reg poll fills C4's empty tent issue

Two weeks after Channel 4’s £75m grab of Great British Bake Off from the BBC, the broadcaster has a big marquee but no filling.…

Moron is late for flight, calls in bomb threat

Fri, 23 Sep 2016 05:27:10 GMT

He'll get a year on ice to think about why that was such a bad idea to delay takeoff

A Canadian idiot has been sentenced to a year behind bars after he was found guilty of calling in a bomb threat because he was running late for his flight.…

[NSFW] Here's how to see Tim Cook or SatNad strut their starkers stuff

Thu, 22 Sep 2016 12:22:09 GMT

This is an appalling, disgusting, gut-wrenching abuse of technology

NSFW Ever wanted to see Apple CEO Tim Cook shaking his naked tush, or Satya Nadella bare a lot more flesh than he does at Microsoft conferences? Your wait is over, thanks to a nasty application of facial recognition software.…

Behold the fruit of your techie utopia: A $43 San Francisco fog-infused martini

Thu, 22 Sep 2016 07:02:06 GMT

Enjoy the light flavor and crisp notes of everything that is wrong with this city

With the cost of living in San Francisco soaring higher than ever, some people are stepping forward to find innovative solutions to create affordable housing and assistance programs that would preserve the diversity, culture, and giving spirit that has made San Francisco a world-class city.…

Lethal 4-hour-erection-causing spiders spill out of bunch of ASDA bananas

Wed, 21 Sep 2016 12:17:12 GMT

Man flees with family

Yet another British family has been forced to flee its habitat after an infestation of Brazilian wandering spiders smuggled itself into their nest on the back of a bunch of supermarket bananas.…

We live in a world where a 'Hamdog' burger hybrid is patented

Wed, 21 Sep 2016 10:17:10 GMT

A meat and two meats

Rejoice! The eternal dilemma of whether to have a hot dog or a burger has now been answered.…

Apple iPhone 7 launch hysteria? Not in Viking land

Tue, 20 Sep 2016 14:04:00 GMT

Danish fanbois shun birth of latest Jesus mobe... to queue, or not

The traditional hoopla around the latest iPhone upgrade seemed to go off as planned last week with queues of apparently sane people waiting outside Apple stores around the world.…

Naked, drunken Swede assaults chicken shed after 60th birthday

Tue, 20 Sep 2016 12:42:08 GMT

Gets plastered, ends up in chicken shed instead of chicken shop

A Malmo man is facing paying thousands of kronor in damages after attending a friend’s 60th birthday party and ending up crawling naked and bleeding from an elderly woman’s hen house.…

Apple seeks patent for paper bag - you read that right, a paper bag

Tue, 20 Sep 2016 06:38:10 GMT

Not all bags, just one very cunning bag with planet-friendly gussets and folds

Apple is trying to patent a paper bag.…

ROBO-PLOD! 'Droid snatches scumbag's shotgun in standoff

Tue, 20 Sep 2016 06:02:05 GMT

Californian Elmer Fudd foiled by mechanical means

A stealthy robot run by a Los Angeles SWAT team has successfully disarmed a murder suspect by sneaking up behind him and stealing his weapon.…

Italian scientists use fluorescent box to arouse sexually indifferent men

Mon, 19 Sep 2016 14:03:07 GMT

Something worth getting up for

Chaps of a certain age who find their libido fading could do worse than stare at a glaring light source – though not the sort you might be thinking of.…

Great British Great Bake Off gets new judge

Thu, 15 Sep 2016 08:07:05 GMT

Madeira cake, Madeira cake, Madeira cake!

Poll Long weekends cooped up in a cramped sweaty workplace, grappling with unstable materials, your work critiqued by an harsh and judgemental boss.…

Gimps with big Dell balls hijack HPE's partner shindig

Wed, 14 Sep 2016 02:12:54 GMT

Marketing budget a bit tight after EMC slurp Michael?

Dell Technologies chose a bizarre, seemingly cheap way to hijack Hewlett Packard Enterprises Global Partner Conference this morning that involved gimps with big balls.…

The next Bond – Basildon or Bass-Ass? YOU decide

Mon, 12 Sep 2016 10:03:05 GMT

Go on, who would you pick?

With Hollywood types scratching their heads over who'll be the next James Bond, El Reg called on our finest asset - the beloved readers - to propose a successor to Daniel Craig, and you didn’t disappoint.…

Assange returns to Earth

Fri, 09 Sep 2016 11:56:05 GMT

Gives Ecuadorian embassy 3 stars on TripAdvisor

Questions are being asked why no one has ever seen pallid, 11*-fingered WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange and NASA ‘naut Jeff Williams in the same room at the same time, after sharp-eyed observers noted the pair's startling physical resemblance.…

Google hover-drones to drop burritos on campus

Fri, 09 Sep 2016 05:31:05 GMT

Not a half-baked stoner movie: US aviation authorities have signed this off as a trial

It sounds like the plot of a half-baked stoner movie screenplay, but it's actually happening: Google boss company Alphabet and Mexican food chain Chipotle have become the flying burrito brothers under a delivery-by-drone plan that will first target the Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University (Virginia Tech).…

Public masturbation not a crime declares Italy’s top court

Thu, 08 Sep 2016 11:19:06 GMT

Though tossing more than coins in the Trevi fountain could still merit a fine

A 61-year-old Italian convicted of public masturbation has had the threat of hard time lifted, after judges declared the dirty old goat’s favoured pastime isn’t actually a crime in the country.…

A nice long pub crawl is good for your health, if you stay on your feet

Thu, 08 Sep 2016 05:30:07 GMT

BJM reckons striding out every week beats the booze risks

It's probably just as well as the walk to the fifth pub takes a lot longer than the first four, because according to a four-country collaboration of sports boffins, exercise helps offset ethanol.…

Typo made Air Asia X flight land at Melbourne instead of Malaysia

Wed, 07 Sep 2016 14:01:14 GMT

Co-ords cockup causes confusion – but not calamity

Finger trouble with onboard navigation systems led to an Air Asia flight making a two-hour internal hop in Australia before its scheduled journey to Malaysia.…

Sex is bad for older men, and even worse when it's good

Tue, 06 Sep 2016 11:26:07 GMT

Frisky older women reap positive benefits

Men of a certain age who enjoy frequent sex are putting themselves at higher risk of heart attacks and other cardiovascular problems, US researchers have warned. And just to rub salt in the wounds, older ladies who still enjoy a bit of the other reap positive benefits from frequent nookie.…

Hollywood offers Daniel Craig $150m to (slash wrists) play James Bond

Mon, 05 Sep 2016 15:04:05 GMT

El Reg offers readers chance to perform positive vetting on 00 section’s next recruit

Actor Daniel Craig has reportedly been offered a cool $150m to play James Bond for another two films, such is the uncertainty surrounding the suitability of his potential replacements.…

Chubby Chinese students refused top bunk

Mon, 05 Sep 2016 13:14:12 GMT

Policy to prevent plummeting 'plump' pupils pushed out

The great war against the big-bellied is well under way in China, with certain uni students at a hall of residence told to bed down in the bottom bunks to avoid potential damage caused by falling fatties.…

It's OK to fine someone for repeating a historical fact, says Russian Supreme Court

Sat, 03 Sep 2016 07:33:12 GMT

Truly bizarre decision over web post about invasion of Poland in 1939

The Russian Supreme Court has upheld a conviction against a blogger who correctly noted that the Soviet Union jointly invaded Poland with the Nazi government in 1939.…

Newest Royal Navy warship weighs as much as 120 London buses

Wed, 31 Aug 2016 11:56:20 GMT

Given final kiss in Glasgow as fitters climb on board

The Royal Navy's newest offshore patrol vessel, HMS Forth, is now fitting out in Glasgow – and we're told she weighs as much as 120 London buses.…

Height of stupidity: Heathrow airliner buzzed by drone at 7,000ft

Tue, 30 Aug 2016 14:14:13 GMT

Second incident saw drone miss cockpit by barely 10m

An airliner circling Heathrow narrowly missed colliding with a drone flying at 7,000 feet – while another aircraft approaching the London airport saw a drone hurtle past just 30 feet from its cockpit.…

Phoney bling ring pinged by Tolkien's kin

Mon, 29 Aug 2016 05:05:10 GMT

Oz court sour on unlicensed Sauron 'One Ring'

A Melbourne man has to hand over his entire stock of “The One Ring” knock-offs to the Tolkien Estate, after losing a copyright case.…

Robot babies fail in role as teenage sex deterrents

Fri, 26 Aug 2016 07:30:13 GMT

'Infant simulators' that cry and go Code Brown don't stop girls from having actual kids

Robot babies have been found to be an ineffective educational tool for those hoping to prevent teenaged pregnancies.…

What wedding cake would an engineer make? A LEGO one

Thu, 25 Aug 2016 10:29:04 GMT

A reader's tale of life, love and programmable robotics

Romance isn’t dead. Just ask a Reg-reading engineer who made his own wedding cake... from Lego.…

Pizza delivery by drone 'trialled' in New Zealand

Thu, 25 Aug 2016 09:31:04 GMT

Not quite autonomous food-flinging, mind

Multinational pizza megacorp Domino's claims it is trialling pizza delivery drones in New Zealand.…

The Internet of Cows is moo-ving fast … no bull!

Thu, 25 Aug 2016 07:29:06 GMT

'Connected Cow' kit, including 'managed mating', will fatten tenfold to $10bn market

If you worry the Internet of Things is bollocks and that the industry's just milking an old idea, think again: research outfit Arcluster has declared that the “Connected Cow and Farm” market will become a US$10.75 billion concern in 2021, a rather nice jump from today's $1.27 billion.…

Angler hooks German's todger at nudist lake

Wed, 24 Aug 2016 11:33:05 GMT

Ausgezeichnet, ein Rekord-Fang? Leider nicht

A plucky German nudist out for a swim at a local lake was left in agony after an angler hooked his worm.…

Corbyn lied, Virgin Trains lied, Harambe died

Tue, 23 Aug 2016 18:21:36 GMT

Workers of the world, you have nothing to lose but your train seats

Video So, Jeremy Corbyn recorded a message in which he was sitting on the floor of a train traveling between London and Newcastle, claiming it was "ram-packed" (as exampled by his floor sitting) and that was why all of the trains needed to be renationalised.…