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Copyright: Copyright 2016, Situation Publishing
 



New British flying robot killer death machines renamed 'Protector'

Tue, 06 Dec 2016 12:36:10 GMT

'Reaper' and 'Predator' were too aggressive...apparently

The Ministry of Defence has tried to rebrand its latest batch of airborne death machines as “Protector” drones rather than their actual trade name of Reaper.…




BAE Systems' autonomous research aircraft flies itself to Scotland

Mon, 05 Dec 2016 16:37:52 GMT

Demonstrator dusted off, but will people trust it?

An autonomous aeroplane that uses onboard cameras to "see" events around it is being tested by BAE Systems.…




Local TV presenter shouted 'f*cking hell' to open news bulletin

Mon, 05 Dec 2016 14:23:07 GMT

Newcastle firm takes rap on knuckles from Ofcom

A TV newsreader in Newcastle, England, opened the station’s Friday night news bulletin by asking to start again before shouting “yes you f*cking do” at off-camera colleagues just 10 seconds after the watershed.…




US election pollsters weren't (very) wrong – statistically speaking

Mon, 05 Dec 2016 09:28:11 GMT

Media open season on prediction number crunchers

The media have spoken and they are unimpressed: the polls – this time the US presidential polls – got it woefully wrong, and therefore burn the witch! Or in the absence of witches, let's set fire to Nate Silver, who until around 2am (GMT) on November 9 was the doyen of US polling and go-to person for all US forecasts.…




Plastic fiver: 28 years' work, saves acres of cotton... may have killed less than ONE cow*

Fri, 02 Dec 2016 12:03:08 GMT

Inventor of polymer banknote: Veggie £5 refuseniks are being 'absolutely stupid'

Professor David Solomon, the inventor of the polymer banknote, has told vegetarians that they're being "stupid" over their opposition to its trace amounts of animal fat.…




Eugene Kaspersky is now personally defending your feet

Thu, 01 Dec 2016 12:52:07 GMT

Securing you from head to toe! Wait... what?

How secure are your feet? With these exclusive socks from, er, Kaspersky, your tootsies will never be subject to another bout of ransomware again.…




Woman rescues red pepper Donald Trump from vegetarian chilli

Thu, 01 Dec 2016 10:05:08 GMT

Then cruelly cooks him in Mexican-inspired dish

Pic It was just an ordinary evening for Janet Ayers in Portsmouth, preparing a vegetarian chilli for dinner.…




Inventor of McDonald's iconic Big Mac dies

Thu, 01 Dec 2016 04:02:04 GMT

Michael 'Jim' Delligatti somehow made it to 98 years before throwing away the pickle

Michael 'Jim' Delligatti, the inventor of the Big Mac, has died aged 98.…




Tobacco giant predicts the end of smoking. Panic ensues

Wed, 30 Nov 2016 15:45:05 GMT

Philip Morris's iQOS

Comment A few years ago, I interviewed Dr Craig Venter, the man who decoded the human genome, about his plan to save the planet. Venter’s goal was to create a drop-in substitute for hydrocarbon fuels, using genetically modified algae.…




Chernobyl cover-up: Giant shield rolled over nuclear reactor remains

Wed, 30 Nov 2016 09:02:06 GMT

Crumbling cover replaced by 36,000-tonne radiation-proof structure

The world's largest moving structure has been moved to cover up the melted-down reactor which caused the Chernobyl nuclear disaster in the former Soviet Union.…




Has Canadian justice gone too far? Cops punish drunk drivers with NICKELBACK

Wed, 30 Nov 2016 00:52:02 GMT

# 'Cause we all just wanna be big Canuck stars / And live in hilltop houses driving 15 cars

Police in Canada says it will be punishing drunk drivers by not only arresting them, but forcing them to listen to corporate boy band Nickelback on the way to the cop shop.…




Give BAE a kicking and flog off new UK warships, says review

Tue, 29 Nov 2016 16:01:07 GMT

Buy them, run them in and then sell them, says Sir John Parker

A government-commissioned review into naval shipbuilding has torn into BAE Systems – while hinting that the number of British fighting warships should be increased, albeit with a sting in the tail.…




Vegans furious as Bank of England admits ‘trace’ of animal fat in £5 notes

Tue, 29 Nov 2016 12:26:11 GMT

New plastic banknotes aren't going down well with the protein-challenged

Slacktivist vegetarians and vegans have been writing strongly worded tweets after the Bank of England confirmed that there are animal fats in the new polymer £5 notes.…




Confirmation of who constitutes average whisky consumer helps resolve dispute

Tue, 29 Nov 2016 10:57:11 GMT

Reasonably well informed, reasonably observant ... average

The average consumer of Scotch whisky is reasonably well informed and reasonably observant and circumspect member of the general public who has an average level of attention, the EU's General Court has confirmed in ruling over a trade mark dispute.…




Canadian cops cuff 11-year-old lad after Grand Theft Auto gets real

Mon, 28 Nov 2016 19:38:07 GMT

Tiny tearaway will be beating up hookers next

Police in Ontario, Canada, got a shock on Saturday night when they pulled over a speeding driver and found an 11-year-old child hopped up on video games behind the wheel.…




Airbus flies new plane for the first time

Fri, 25 Nov 2016 05:57:06 GMT

A350-1000 takes off into competition with Boeing's 777

Airbus has successfully flown a new commercial jet model, with the first A350-1000 taking to the skies over Toulouse on Thursday.…




Make Christmas Great Again: $149 24-karat gold* Trump tree ornament

Thu, 24 Nov 2016 15:30:06 GMT

Ordinary Americans can't afford it, it's not a yuge deal

President-elect Donald Trump's online shop has released a tremendous ornament, the best ornament, for Christmas trees.…




USS Zumwalt gets Panama tug job after yet another breakdown

Wed, 23 Nov 2016 19:36:27 GMT

Navy's $4.4bn next-gen destroyer might make it to home port one day

The US Navy's most advanced ship yet, the $4.4bn stealth destroyer USS Zumwalt, has had to be ignominiously towed through the Panama Canal after its engines failed yet again.…




Reg man 0: Japanese electronic toilet 1

Wed, 23 Nov 2016 09:02:06 GMT

Technology and tinkles should not ever be mixed

RotM Dear reader, I am in a state of shock and horror. That’s right - I have attempted to use a Japanese electric toilet in the manner for which it was designed. I fear my rear may never recover.…




Twitter bans own CEO Jack Dorsey from Twitter

Wed, 23 Nov 2016 02:10:13 GMT

2016 keeps on giving

Twitter today briefly suspended the Twitter account of Twitter cofounder and CEO Jack Dorsey. For a moment, we all thought the big boss had been unceremoniously booted out of the troubled biz or had fallen foul of his own anti-abuse complaints system. But it was probably a bug or something mundane like that.…




Trial date set for Brit police 'copter coppers over spying-on-doggers claims

Tue, 22 Nov 2016 13:29:04 GMT

The five deny all wrongdoing

The five officers from South Yorkshire Police accused of using a copper 'copter to record people who were naked or having sex will contest the allegations at their trial next year.…




Customer data security is our highest priori- ha ha ha whatever, suckers

Fri, 18 Nov 2016 10:01:12 GMT

Shadow IT casts its darkness over us all

Something for the Weekend, Sir? I would like it to be known that mine is bigger than yours. And yours is bigger than everyone else's. Only losers waste their time with small. We do big.…




Here's how the missile-free Royal Navy can sink enemy ships after 2018

Thu, 17 Nov 2016 13:28:06 GMT

It's tried, tested and proven in all-out war – and we've already got it, unlike the F-35

The solution to the Royal Navy’s post-2018 problem of having no anti-ship weapons is already in service and can even equip the UK’s new aircraft carriers.…




Searching for 'Fatty Kim the Third' banned on Chinese social media

Thu, 17 Nov 2016 05:02:08 GMT

Fatty who? That's North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong Un to the rest of us

If you're in China today and feel like doing something futile, try searching for “Fatty Kim the Third” or the Chinese equivalent "Jin San Pang" - Google translate says that's "金圣庞" - on social media.…




'Post-truth' beats 'chatbot' to Word of the Year Crown

Thu, 17 Nov 2016 04:01:15 GMT

Oxford Dictionaries' 2016 choice should make 'alt-right' 'Brexiteers' feel 'hygge'

Oxford Dictionaries has declared “post-truth” is the Word of the Year for 2016.…




UK warships to have less firepower than 19th century equivalents as missiles withdrawn

Wed, 16 Nov 2016 14:23:15 GMT

Harpoon to go in 2018 with no replacement – yet

Royal Navy warships will be less capable of fighting enemy vessels than they were in the 19th century as Britain’s Harpoon anti-ship missile will be withdrawn in two years – with no replacement in sight.…




Bong: Let me talk to Trump

Tue, 15 Nov 2016 12:30:12 GMT

We speak the language of disruption. And we love Tacos!

¡Bong! The Mar-a-Lago Club is like the 1960s. If you can remember it, you weren't there.…




'Pavement power' - The bad idea that never seems to die

Tue, 15 Nov 2016 06:31:12 GMT

These boots were made for walking. Not charging batteries. Just walking

We've said it before, but because “walk on this pavement for renewable energy” remains a recurrent news story, it's worth saying again.…




Married man arrives at A&E with wedding ring stuck on todger

Mon, 14 Nov 2016 14:13:16 GMT

Did the doc A) send him home, B) buff the gold, C) use aspiration method?

A South African was forced to undergo rare penile strangulation surgery after slotting a wedding ring over his tackle that he was unable to pull off, according to a medical journal.…




Pythons Idle and Cleese pen anti-selfie screed

Mon, 14 Nov 2016 06:59:10 GMT

♬ 'F*ck selfies: All those gits who take selfies just get on my t*ts' ♬

VIDEO Monty Python members Eric Idle and John Cleese have penned a tune titled “Fuck selfies”.…




Spain's Prime Minister wants to ban internet memes. No, really

Fri, 11 Nov 2016 19:12:48 GMT

So you won’t be able to, you know, mock Mariano Rajoy like this…

Pics Spain's ruling Popular Party has proposed banning internet memes. No word of a lie.…




A cardboard desk? I won’t stand for it (actually I will)

Fri, 11 Nov 2016 10:00:07 GMT

Just imagine if virgins came flat-packed too

Something for the Weekend, Sir? This week, I have been worried about getting it to stand up.…




Kotkin: Why Trump won

Thu, 10 Nov 2016 12:28:04 GMT

Class, crony capitalism, and Silicon Valley too

Interview Why did Donald Trump win? He filled a vacuum that was vacated by both Democratic and Republican parties, says Joel Kotkin. Kotkin is one of a small handful of writers who highlighted the role of Silicon Valley's oligarchs in American society.…




Japanese cops arrest serial 'foot licker'

Wed, 09 Nov 2016 12:48:08 GMT

Nippon continues to dominate world's weirdness charts

A man from Kyoto in Japan has been arrested for nibbling a young woman's foot.…




Bungling ATM thieves blow up bank statement machine

Wed, 09 Nov 2016 10:33:12 GMT

Dummkopf crims mocked by German police

"Not very clever" bank thieves have blown up an automated statement printer in Berlin instead of the ATM they were hoping to empty.…




US citizens crash Canadian immigration site after Trump victory

Wed, 09 Nov 2016 09:55:08 GMT

Key states swing behind the Donald, California votes for Clinton and legalises pot

With mop-haired politico octopus Donald Trump beating Hillary Clinton to the White House, the Canadian Immigration website has crashed under the weight of US citizens seeking an escape.…




McDonald's sues Italian city for $20m after being burger-blocked

Tue, 08 Nov 2016 16:03:47 GMT

Mayor says Big Mac with fries is not traditional Tuscany fare

McDonald's is suing the city of Florence for $20m after its left-wing mayor rejected Maccy D's application to open a burger joint on the historic Piazza del Duomo.…




Hitler's wife's lovely lilac knickers fetch £2,900 at auction

Mon, 07 Nov 2016 16:34:07 GMT

Private purchaser not identified

An old pair of knickers have been sold at auction for £2,900.…




Fleeing Aussie burglar shot in arse with bow and arrow

Mon, 07 Nov 2016 13:03:10 GMT

'We believe the arrow is still with the injured party,' say cops

An alleged burglar was shot in the backside with a bow and arrow after an angry homeowner caught him trying to steal his car.…




Happy ending for Kettering as soapy veteran replaces Mean Girl Lindsay

Mon, 07 Nov 2016 10:00:06 GMT

Diva soapstar turn-on-turn-up-slap-down on the cards?

Kettering has drafted in EastEnders veteran Cheryl Fergison to turn on the town for Christmas – after abandoning hopes of child-star-turned-adult-car-crash Lindsay Lohan following through on her post-Brexit promise to light up Northamptonshire.…




Teen in the dock on terror apologist charge for naming Wi-Fi network 'Daesh 21'

Sat, 05 Nov 2016 08:37:13 GMT

Zut alors!

An 18-year-old broke France's anti-terror laws by naming his home Wi-Fi network "Daesh 21" – after the medieval murder bastards ISIS.…




Twitter trolls are destroying democracy, warn eggheads

Fri, 04 Nov 2016 21:37:02 GMT

Remember when social media was going to bring about a golden age of interaction?

Twitter trolls are undermining what political analysts had predicted would be a new form of responsive democracy.…




Twitterstorm erupts over suspected murder of record-breaking earthworm

Fri, 04 Nov 2016 13:12:35 GMT

Natural History Museum under suspicion amid demands of "Justice for Dave"

The Twitterati have pushed aside ephemera such as Brexit or the prospect of a Trump White House with protests about the fate of "Dave”, a prodigious annelid that may or may not have been murdered in the name of science.…




Any questions? No, not you again at the back, please God no

Fri, 04 Nov 2016 09:00:10 GMT

How not to behave at tech press launches

Something for the Weekend, Sir? Toy bears and model aeroplanes. Mini tubs of Pringles. Super-expensive watches that look like rusty bicycle parts adorned with a mashed insects.…




Swiss, geez: Robo-hooker coffee shop to be erected in Geneva

Fri, 04 Nov 2016 06:01:08 GMT

Sudo how 'bout a quickie?

A cafe owner from Switzerland is planning to open a coffee shop sex parlour staffed by robotic filles de joie.…




'Inventor of email' receives damages from Gawker's collapsed empire

Thu, 03 Nov 2016 15:05:06 GMT

Former publisher Nick Denton agrees to pay Shiva Ayyadurai $750,000

Former Gawker publisher Nick Denton has agreed to pay computer scientist and biotech entrepreneur Dr Shiva Ayyadurai $750,000 in damages after the blog wrote that Ayyadurai invented claims that he invented "email" in the late 1970s.…




Five-a-day energy drink habit turned chap's eyes yellow, urine dark, caused anorexia

Thu, 03 Nov 2016 06:27:10 GMT

Red Bull gives you liver disease?

Don't overdo the energy drinks: even five a day can hammer the liver.…




What should the Red Arrows' new aircraft be?

Wed, 02 Nov 2016 14:45:13 GMT

Speek your branes, sky-gazers

Poll The Red Arrows aerobatic team will get new aircraft when their ageing Hawk T1s finally give up the ghost, the British Ministry of Defence said Tuesday. What should replace the Hawks, though?…




Hull's City of Culture firework freebie flares up

Wed, 02 Nov 2016 11:33:05 GMT

More of a whimper than bang as website dishing out tickets crashes

A stampede for free tickets to Hull’s UK City of Culture fireworks display this morning brought the website offering them to its knees – still, the organisers only had nearly four years to prepare.…




[NSFW] Laser surgery ignites internal methane, burns patient down there

Wed, 02 Nov 2016 08:02:11 GMT

Cervical surgery left patient with nasty burns, sparks new gas therapy

Mildly NSFW Tokyo University Medical Hospital has published a pair of reports explaining an incident that left a woman badly burned after surgery.…