Nothing Off Limits

Ready For a Margarita!!!

Sun, 31 Jan 2010 18:50:00 +0000

Ok well technically I had one yesterday with my lunch but I could go for 2 or 3 in one sitting. I need to relax. As I say that, I know I have a ton of work to do today. I have so much homework it's seeping out my ears. (ew) That's ok though. I don't mind so much. I have to figure out how to do some research and write some papers that are due within the month of February but I'll do it. No problem. I just have a multitude of things to finish. December of 2011 cannot possibly come fast enough.

I am ready for a night out with my girls. I have a feeling they are ready too. It's been a rough year. We need some relaxation. This involves a margarita in one hand and some booty shaking on the side!!!

Lady Sunday....No Wait. I Have HOMEWORK!

Sun, 24 Jan 2010 17:54:00 +0000

Ahhh yes. Homework. I have plenty to do. There is no more procrastinating or skimming. The stuff I read now is life or death. If I am to be a good nurse I will dedicate time and will read thoroughly. So wish me luck. I have several online assignments to do before BEFORE 11 p.m.

It's been icy and foggy around here lately. I have commented several times on how it feels like we live in Silent Hill now. If you have seen the movie you'll get it. Or if you've played the video game I suppose. It's warmed up a bit the past couple of days so the ice is melting. The danger has been falling ice. You never really think of that but the sharp icicles that form do have to come down eventually.

I am ready for summer.

I Have a Problem With This Song

Wed, 20 Jan 2010 05:22:00 +0000

Now I liked her Tick Tock or however she spells it. I felt even in that song they did too much computerized stuff with her voice. It's like I can't really decide if she's good or not. If they do THIS much stuff to her voice, then maybe she's got something to hide? Why so much? You could never hope to do it karaoke style haha and how would she ever do this live without lip syncing? It's good club music. That's about it.

I have issues with the way they take people's voices and change them. I am getting to where I want to hear music without all that. I want to hear TRUE talent. Live stuff. Good stuff. Stuff that is NOT messed with. Know what I mean?

So....Who Wants to Read My Books?

Sun, 17 Jan 2010 17:57:00 +0000

I start classes tomorrow. This stack is missing my Health Assessment book that I am reading right now...and the lab book that goes with it. Fun!!! I am SO nervous. Oh and on the top is a clicker thing. I use that in classes to select answers. Seriously.

Where's My Coffee?

Fri, 15 Jan 2010 14:21:00 +0000

I'm not much of a morning person. I pretty much don't like mornings. I wish I did. I believe it's good to get an early start to the day. It's hard to do with your eyes half closed and crusted over until around 10 a.m.

Here I sit though knowing that I need to be up. I have to crack open my Health Assessment book and get reading. I have 2 chapters I have to read BEFORE the first day of class. Things are going to be so different at this school but I am ready. I am ready for the idea of it all. I can't say I am ready for the reality of it! It's going to be really hard.

It's pretty exciting that I'll be graduating in December 2011. I guess I should point out that I believe my attempts at resolving the financial issues is working itself out! I have been trying everything I could to get the loans I needed for school. The last option I spoke of before seems now as though it's going to work. I am pretty excited. I am nervous too and hoping I don't get lost at the school. haha The school itself isn't the problem. It's the hospital behind it and the buildings behind that that I have lab in that I don't know very well.

I am sitting here with my coffee and my bowl of raisin bran. I am enjoying the last leisurely moments I will have for a very very long time!!

What A Week

Sun, 10 Jan 2010 21:34:00 +0000

This weekend was my first weekend going "out" since my dad got really sick. Actually I hadn't been out in such a long time that I can't really remember the last time. I was ready and last night the hubby and I went out to eat. We had some good food. I had a couple of margaritas. The second I couldn't finish so the hubby helped out with that.

After that we headed back into our town and up to a local bar where there is frequently karaoke. Knowing me of course I had to sing a few tunes. I got up and sang some Carrie Underwood. I followed that up with some Nelly Furtado. Actually I think I did Nelly first. I sang Say It Right which is a fave of mine. I love doing Before He Cheats.

I had a good time. We went and did it again last night which is VERY rare for us but I needed to just be out. I need to get away from the house for awhile. I need to think of other things and try to enjoy life.

I want to take my girls to see Squeakuel. Every-time I spell that word it feels wrong. I always second guess myself on that word...."Squeakuel". Just doesn't look right. haha

I am sitting here, on my laptop. I got a message about that last post. Seems some people really hate those posts. Only one I have done here. I didn't mind. Why not? It's not like I was promoting porn or crack. haha

Have a great day all!

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Sun, 10 Jan 2010 20:02:00 +0000

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Long Week and It's Only Half Over

Wed, 06 Jan 2010 19:26:00 +0000

I am tired. Not physically but mentally. I have had so much to do lately to try and get this school thing going. I posted on my other blog about how my college loans are not enough to pay for me to go to school. I am hoping with everything I have that I can somehow pay for this. I am short. I will still have a balance of $600 AFTER my loans go through. That doesn't include books, lab coats, scrubs, supplies and daycare, etc.

I am stressed. This has to happen. All my goals have been for this. I got accepted and now I have no idea what to do. It's a really long story. What it comes down to was we made too much money so I qualify for less. The problem is we didn't really make THAT much. We had borrowed some money for the down payment on our house which was included as income. We took two large pay cuts last year so our income is a good chunk LESS than what they think we make.

It makes no difference. They are basing it off the large income....and there is nothing I can do about it. I have one final hope. We'll see what happens. Not sure if it will work or not, but it's all I have. Keep your fingers crossed.

Only One Thing I feel Like Saying Today

Mon, 04 Jan 2010 20:17:00 +0000

*AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!*



That about covers it.

My Sisters

Sat, 02 Jan 2010 21:19:00 +0000

I have always loved being from a large family. Not everyone in the family has always been the nicest of people, but the good ones more than make up for the less than kind ones. You're going to have a wide variety of people in a family so large. We are a family of so much diversity too.Some of them are the most devout, holy Baptists you'll ever meet. Which by the way, I think is great. There are some that are kind of in the middle....and then there are those that hate religion with a passion. They have learned to hate it, I guess after years of being in the family and possibly just not getting it. I am not sure. I think it's healthy to ask questions but I don't so much get being angry about it. To each his own though.One thing that has always meant a lot to me though, are my sisters. More than any time in my life I need them now. They are the ones who "get" me losing my dad and how hard it is. We all had our own relationship with my dad. I feared my dad in a respectful way. I didn't argue with him. He was dad. I took what he said to heart, not always agreeing with it, but I would surely tell him I did! My sister Cindi however, who is a couple of years younger than me, was just like him. If she disagreed with him she told him. I think he actually liked that in her. I just couldn't bring myself to do it, but she didn't back down and they had a good relationship because of it. I think my older sister Donna was more like me I think....but not totally. My baby sister Vanessa....well she was the baby. Spoiled rotten! haha She is now 22 and will always be my dad's baby. She got her way as the youngest often does. That was her relationship with dad. I love the way we all had our own thing with him.I have another sister, Aimee, who doesn't have the same dad. She did love him however in her own way and was very saddened by his passing. She came to the visitation. I was glad to have her there for me and my big sister Donna, who is also Aimee's sister.Now we have each other. I know we are all grieving in our own way but I find myself needing my sister's more than ever. It's the only way I really feel my dad close to me. I like talking about him. I like telling stories. I like laughing and crying with them.I am not close to my birth mom. There are reasons why, but I am just not. I really wish I could be. It's just not in the cards for us. So with the loss of my dad in some ways I felt orphaned. I have my step mom, don't get me wrong. I love her. She has always been my mother to me. There is that slight feeling though, that if she remarries, is she still my step mom? My dad MADE us the family we were....and now...I am left confused.Well, to those who read my blog I am sorry for the HUGE amount of sadness and depression I have been pouring out...and there is more likely to come. I will work through this however. I know that I will. I am resilient I think. However for the time being, I need to grieve. However long that takes is just fine with me.[...]

My Birthday

Tue, 29 Dec 2009 22:22:00 +0000

I have been copying posts between my blogs lately and just decided to not do that today. I did it honestly because I didn't have the energy to think up a new post, not to mention my brain has been pretty well fried the past week.....month....months...etc. It goes back to my dad first getting stomach pains. I wish I could have helped him more. I couldn't.

Today is my birthday. Yet it just made me honestly hurt more. I think of how my dad felt the day I was born. I think of how he looked. I wonder how excited he was. He was 23. I was his second child. My big sister Donna is about 2 years older than me. I am leaning on her now, but she can lean on me too. I want to be her support just as much as she is mine.

It's hard. I was not ready to lose him. I had been trying to comfort him and not let him be afraid.

It's even harder that I'm almost a 2 year survivor. I have been so proud of that and so was he....but now it just seems I don't know......less important. I wanted my dad to join me with that title and I kept telling him if it was cancer he would. Oh well. Again, random thoughts, jumbled up in my head throughout the day. I'll work through it all. Somehow.

The World Just Lost a Great Man

Mon, 28 Dec 2009 08:00:00 +0000

My dad passed away tonight. He lost his battle with pancreatic cancer at 10:23 p.m. on December 27, 2009. The obituary will say 11:30 because that is how Hospice logged it....but I held his hand as he took his last breath.

I got to his house at about 11:30 this morning. He moan and sort of yelled out at around 5 or 6 p.m. and did not breathe for a few seconds. This happened again a few minutes later. I knew it was going to be soon. Still, the whole thing has been surreal. It happened so fast. Even 2 weeks ago I still had hope he would make it, somehow. We had the surgery all lined up then they dealt us the horrible blow that he had pancreatic cancer. We brought him home, where he wanted to be.

I knelt by his bed, cried and held his hand as he left this world. The world has lost a great man, but heaven has gained a great soul. I love you dad. I miss you.

More On My Father, Pancreatic Cancer

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 16:15:00 +0000

It has been confirmed. It is pancreatic cancer and it has metastasized all over his body. In other words, it's too late. Right now we are working on bringing home. That's where he wants to be. We will need Hospice to come in and nurses to help but somehow we'll make this work. I want my dad in his own home.

It's been a discouraging year and an even worse Christmas season for me. How can one feel any Christmas spirit when the whole month is about whether or not my dad will live or die? It's hard. I can't focus on Christmas. I have had so much to worry about.

Today I will meet my sister at the hospital to discuss the next move.

My dad is just 57 years old. Don't forget to hug your daddy this Christmas.

My Dad Has Cancer

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 23:16:00 +0000

I am exhausted. It's been a long day. They cancelled my dad's surgery. They had done a biopsy prior to the surgery and saw that there was absolutely a malignancy and it had spread. At this point we don't know what kind. We don't know by the sample where it started, just that it is cancer. Of course the belief is that it is pancreatic. I have been at the hospital all day. He is weak and can hardly speak. He sleeps most of the time. This has been a very hard and difficult time for my whole family. My mother is barely keeping it together. I will write more later. It's time to rest for now.

Oh and because it spread the surgery was basically pointless. It couldn't save him anymore. So it's been a discouraging day, to say the least.

Nicole's Makeup Flub and My New Shoes

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 18:49:00 +0000

First of all this picture just made me laugh. I know I would hate it if it were me. Nicole went out on the red carpet with white powder literally all over her face. I am wondering where in the world was her makeup artist this night? I mean come on, it's not like she drove herself there, parked her car and walked up alone right? Someone had to have seen this. She always claimed she has had no work done. She's all natural. Unfortunately for her I have been watching her movies for oh.....15 years? I can see the change. Forehead lines don't disappear with age....but for her? Apparently they do.

I am just posting this to show off my new shoes. I looooove them! So freaking hot don't you think?



I can't wait to wear them out. That's 4 1/2 inches of heel there baby. I love being a whole 5'6 1/2".

Benefit Costs

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 18:20:00 +0000

This Saturday is the Benefit for my dad. We still do not have all the supplies needed. We are not sure how big or small the turnout will be. What I do know is we do not yet have everything needed. We desperately need a few items and time is running short. If you would like to donate even a couple of dollars toward the cost of the benefit ONLY please click the paypal button below:

This will help reduce the cost of the benefit itself for my sisters and myself. Right now especially with Christmas money is very tight. My dad needs this benefit though. He will most likely need constant medical care for the rest of his life at this point. I think we are all coming to terms with this. He has copays and deductibles and a lot of other regular bills that my mom is now having to deal with paying. He cannot help anymore. So we want to just let them worry about ONE thing and that is getting dad better. I'll make sure to get a lot of pictures from the benefit and post them. I am pretty excited. If you want to donate TO my dad directly please send your donation to The John Hamilton Benefit Fund at the State Bank of Speer in Speer, Illinois. E-mail me directly for a specific address.

Ready For a Vacation!

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 02:37:00 +0000

Well it's almost over. This semester is drawing to a close. I am ready for it. I have studied, I have lost sleep, and I have stressed to the point of quitting. I didn't. I made it through, despite all the trials I have had to deal with in the past year. I am not done with those trials. Not by any means but I somehow manage to push it to the back of my brain, for just a while so I can get on with my life and do the things I have to do.

I have 2 finals on Wednesday and one on Thursday then it's Christmas break for a MONTH for me. I am pretty anxious. I may have more blogging time for awhile. *gasp*

A Sad Year

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 07:04:00 +0000

It really has been this year. I am surprised some days I am still standing. It's not even all the stuff I air out on my blogs. It's the things I don't air out. There are things I keep to myself that equal or even outweigh all the other stuff going on. Between my dad and those other things I haven't felt a whole lot of Christmas Spirit. I'm working on it.

Saturday and Finals

Sat, 12 Dec 2009 22:41:00 +0000

So far this Saturday I have been lazy. That's right. Lazy. I am not in the mood to do the list of things I have to do. Granted I have a little time to get them done but not that much. I need to be studying but let me tell you, we all need a break sometime.

I am going to crack open some books tonight. I'll at least get to work on the practice test for my math final. That one is super important. I do have a whole lot of things to do but this is it. My finals are this week then nada! Hey I don't even think I have a class on Monday. My final are on Wednesday and Thursday then that is that. OVER! I am almost done.

I will enjoy it while I can. Nursing School is on the 18th of January. After that I doubt I'll even remember what free time is!

Shoop Baby!

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 06:07:00 +0000

I love this song. Actually one of the things I always loved about it was the part where it says "Yo Sandi, I wanna like taste you." I know all the words to this one. I was freaking out the hubby singing it word for word in my living room. haha It's not my usual genre as far as singing goes. Though I can also sing all the words to Ice Ice Baby pretty well! Ha! Who can't?

Explore Modeling - Been Awhile

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 19:19:00 +0000

Explore Modeling - Face of e.l.f. Casting: Sandra Bender


Please click the link to vote for me. Time is winding down on this contest and my rank really hasn't improved a whole lot. I keep forgetting myself. haha Hope everyone is enjoying their Friday. I had class and now I am trying to relax for a few. I have a lot of studying to do this weekend. I'm kinda ready for it. I am so glad finals are almost here because then I am DONE! I can't wait to be finished for awhile.

I need to get busy on my Christmas shopping. I really haven't had a chance, nor has my mind been on it with dad being so sick. I didn't get the greatest news today about him. I am so worried about him. I can't stand this. The whole thing is too stressful. It seems so simple to just want your dad back. Life has proven to me time and again, it's just not that easy.

Christmas Shopping?

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 21:59:00 +0000

How much have you done? Me? I haven't bought a single thing. That's right. NOTHING. I don't even have a tree up. Honestly I would have done the tree by now but I just keep forgetting. I am feeling a little "Christmasy" this year, but still I tend to put these things off. I am one of those people running around the store at the last minute. I always get it done though.

I just haven't had time lately. The semester is winding down to a finish and with finals coming up I have my nose in the books. Top that off with all that's been going on with my dad and who has time? I'll get it done. I always do.

How much shopping have you all done? I love hearing how everyone is all done, presents wrapped and sitting under the tree by Thanksgiving. Oh that is so not me.

Oh and I snapped the pic with my webcam today. I tend to sit on my couch in a ball with the laptop on my lap of course :)

If You are Going to Spam Me, Spell Better

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 22:09:00 +0000

First of all I know how to hover over a link to know it's not to the website you gave me. I am not retarded. Your spam is not fooling most people I am guessing but when you spell like this you'll get even fewer suckers. Not to mention you inserted a fancy little logo only to rush through the rest of your junk mail. Take a look:

You recived Hallmark E-Card .
	Click the link to see your E-Card.
	If there is someone who has speecial place in yor hart please folow links below:
		Visit Enter your e-mail address in the Original Recipient’s E-Mail Address box. Enter EG4258881155739 in the Confirmation Number box. Click Display Greeting.

I obviously removed the links because it's spam, and I don't want you to get spammed by clicking the junk links. Regardless this is what I find in my junk mail box. Hilarious.

Too Much to Do!

Sat, 28 Nov 2009 18:40:00 +0000

I have a TON of homework to do. Over Thanksgiving and with dad getting more sick I have just put it to the side. At this very moment as I type this I am procrastinating. I don't feel like it but it has to be done. I tell myself I am near the end of this semester. I just need to keep my eye on the prize right? I am ready to start nursing school. I got the bill for that this past week. It's near $8000 per semester. That doesn't even include books, scrubs or the lab coats I need. Not to mention daycare will cost an arm and a leg.

So I got my loan award amount disclosed to me yesterday and it's a good $2000 short of what I need to just pay tuition. So hopefully we'll be able to figure something out. My stress level is through the roof lately.

Now, I guess I better start getting that home work done.

Depressed

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 18:46:00 +0000

My dad has been taken back to the hospital. He hasn't been doing well and we knew it. His weight has been dropping rapidly. He's a shell of the man he used to be. We were hoping for answers. We still haven't gotten them. We keep being told they are almost sure it's pancreatic cancer. My issue with this is that if it WAS pancreatic cancer he could not possibly be so sick without them being able to see it. That type of cancer usually is not even noticed until it's later stages. The symptoms don't show up until it's fairly progressed. So, with how sick my dad has been, how could it be possible that they could not find it?I have been working out the details to have a benefit for my dad to send him to Mayo. I have the place and date lined up finally but with the Holiday was going to wait until Monday to make copies of the flyers I made and then hopefully get some donation tubs etc. We are doing a spaghetti supper and were going to sell advance tickets and tickets at the door. We have ideas for a bake sale too. My sisters and I have worked nonstop racking our brains while also caring for our families. My sister is trying to work and balance all of this and her children. I am trying to balance it while caring for 4 children, my home and school work. My classes are really getting crazy now that it's only a few weeks from the end of this semester. I have tests and TONS of papers to write. My stress level is at the top right now.Dad wanted us to all come to his house for Thanksgiving. He was as excited as I have seen him in a long time about it. We had planned what we were bringing and we were all so ready to go. Then this morning I got the call. Dad is confused again. It's like it was before. They think the blood infection could be back. Now I sit here, waiting for news from the E.R. I know my mom is there upset. The trouble being I am here with my four girls and my hubby is at work. My hubby can't just leave because HIS boss is out this week which leaves my hubby in charge of everything. So I wait. I can't really do anything at this point anyway. He isn't in a room yet and we aren't sure if he'll even be staying there. My sister has been feverishly working to get him transferred to a different hospital because frankly this one is not able to help him anymore. They can't give us the answers we need so it's time for something different. We have to also figure out where my mom will stay, how she will afford it, etc. She needs meals too. My dad is retired and they don't have a lot of money.Then to top it all off the family is back at us again telling us we aren't doing enough. We should be there with mom. I love my family but I just don't think they understand what we are doing. They hear my mom crying and I get that. She is stressed. We are too. I want to just throw everything out the window and go be with my dad. But at the end of the day I still have to pass my classes and my kids still need their mommy here to care for them. I will go be with my dad every second I can, but at this very second I sit here agonizing over what is going on just like everyone else.I wanted to be with my family this year. I knew it could be our last because who knows how healthy dad would even be next year? If it IS pancreatic cancer, or if it's not, we don't know how he'll be doing so this year meant everything and now it's gone. I have no food. We thought we were going to mom and dad's so I have bought no t[...]

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