Pregnant with Cancer

So Busy With Homework!

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 03:00:00 +0000

I have THREE tests this week so my time is very limited. I am reading those blogs I follow but not able to post as much this week. I appreciate those who still stop by and give me a comment or two. It brightens my day to hear from you all. I'll put up several posts after my tests are done. Until then, please enjoy the singing styles of my 10 year old nephew Cameron.

Netflix and a Bad Waitress!

Sun, 31 Jan 2010 18:08:00 +0000

I love Netflix. I really do. A few years ago we decided to just do it, since I am horrible about returning movies. We got on the plan where you get two at a time. It works out great and yes I forget to send them back sometimes for a month. This isn't a big deal, except that then I don't get my next movie for awhile.So the hubby and I started watching some TV show that is a regular series on showtime. You can watch movies from their website in real time on your computer, or connect it to your xbox and watch it from there too. We hook it up to the xbox. We have gotten into some series that we are hooked on now. Jason and I really do not watch a lot of regular TV. If we watch anything it's usually a movie, so this is nice! The problem is I no longer have time to watch the series with school. I am always so busy. The series? Dexter. Yes we are totally in love with it. I realize it's not going to be everyone's cup of tea but I love odd, crazy, dark things when it comes to movies. I like scary movies. This isn't so much scary as really creepy. It's good though. (To me!)Yesterday Lexi (my oldest) went to a birthday party with a friend. This group of girls went to a hair place where they did hair and "light" makeup. They then went to see a movie. We took my mom out to eat at a great place with some awesome food and all my remaining 3 ladies had a great time. Gabbi was an angel. There was an incident that was kind of shocking/funny.When we got into the restaurant the waitress brought us our menus and one blob of homemade play-dough with a single crayon stuck upward in it. I thought it unusual but let Gabbi play with the crayon and taught her to sort of squish the play-dough. She did ok but then tried to take a bite of it so I took it away. Even if it is nontoxic, number one it's GROSS, number two I don't know the ingredients and she has a milk allergy.Anyway so the waitress had also left all of our menus in a disorganized pile on our table. We separated the drink menus from the regular menus and I handed them out. I gave my girls their menus. I had asked for a high chair but I noticed the waitress was walking around doing other things. I sat Gabbi in a regular chair and waited.The waitress came back and asked how we were and I told her I needed that high chair. She just stated "OH!" Then she went to get it. A while later she came back with some more blobs of play-dough and handed one to my older daughters then I told her "Well this one liked it(talking about Gabbi), but she started to eat it so I took it away." The waitress then proceeded to smile and say "Ooooh that's nice" while handing her a brand new blob to play with. Seriously. I looked very confused and looked up, eyes locking with the family at the table next to us. They were all looking at me and looking at the waitress like she was seriously mentally absent. haha The mother at the next table smiled and kind of winked at me as my mouth hung open. I knew this waitress mentally was not in the room. She was thinking about something else and her mind was definitely not on her job. There is no way she actually heard what I said. If she did then she shouldn't be working as a waitress. Anyway I just took away the play-dough instantly and kind of laughed it off. The family at the other table seemed to be cracking up about it as much as we were.Would you have said something to the waitress? I just took it away from her and figured it wasn't worth wasting my breath.[...]

Sleep? What's That?

Fri, 29 Jan 2010 05:39:00 +0000

I am always tired but I have so much to do. Even when I want to go to bed early I can't. I have things to get done! I want to take a nap, but can't do that either. I have a full schedule these days. It will make graduation day that much more sweet! I am sleepy though. I am finishing up one thing then heading to bed.

Yes, you say "You're up writing a blog post? Isn't that a time waster?" Yes it is. But I am multi tasking at the moment. I wouldn't be up if I didn't have something else I was doing. I never do get to bed early and never have. It's a terrible habit but now that I want to, I can't!

One good note, I got my appointment rescheduled. I go in on the 16th of March which is during spring break for me so I don't have to worry about missing class. The bad news is that is my two older daughters birthdays. (If you aren't familiar with my blog or my family then this is news to you but yes they share the same birthday 3 years apart. Amazingly people ask if I planned that. For those that wanted to ask, the answer is NO! haha)

Anyway I feel bad because this will be an all day thing. I have to see an Endocrinologist for my thyroid followed up with my Oncology visit. Doctors just love me. I keep them in business. I think when we get to the endocrine section in my classes at school we may have to palpate the thyroid. I am not sure but I am assuming that would be part of an assessment. I have a thyroid nodule that you can absolutely feel when palpating. Actually, you can see it if you look close. (I hate it.) I could be a good learning tool for my classmates. haha

Goodnight bloggy friends!!

Good Morning World

Wed, 27 Jan 2010 14:30:00 +0000

That sounds like a really happy, chipper intro but honestly I am just thinking of an episode of Spongebob. Yes, he wakes up, throws the covers off and says "Good morning world and all who inhabit it!" This is not how I feel this morning however. I am tired! I have a lot of things to do including get ready for a class today. I love Wednesdays because my class isn't until 1. I leave early though and study a little at school. This morning I wish I could crawl back under the covers and forget the world. That sounds pretty nice right about now.

Things have been going well. I did get a call from my oncologist's office. They need to reschedule my follow up appointment. Actually I have been stressed because I haven't known how I will make them. I have class every single day. I can't miss a day. There is just too much work to be done. I would miss so much material. So it would set me back a lot. I am hoping to reschedule for during my spring break. The appointment will be a good month late though. That's not good but I don't know what else to do. It's going to be difficult balancing those appointments since they are full day things. I have to do it however. Those checkups are very important!

Well I'm off to get ready. Wishing everyone a great day!

Got a Letter Today

Sun, 24 Jan 2010 06:52:00 +0000

I was asked to be a part of the National English Honor Society from my last college! I don't know that I can do it, since I no longer go there, but they DID send me the letter. They said that in recognition of my academic achievements they are extending an invitation for me to join. It says it honors students like ME (haha) who have demonstrated excellence in both English and overall scholarship. I have always gotten A's in my English classes. MOST other ones but no I am not perfect. I haven't gotten all A's. However I am very honored about this. It's pretty cool. I'll hold on to this letter regardless of what I choose to do.

Good Morning!

Fri, 22 Jan 2010 12:27:00 +0000

I am up and thinking of getting ready for school. It's so cold here that I really don't want to move. It's been rainy this week. Icy and rainy. School was canceled for my kiddos yesterday. However I still had to take the drive to school regardless. I have a feeling school will never be canceled for me. My college is a private one with dorms. A lot of students live there and some students work at the hospital connected to it. Since I chose health care, well, people get sick regardless of bad weather. We may as well get used to that now. People will need our care whether the roads are bad or not!

I made it to school in one piece yesterday thankfully. The freezing rain did make traveling a little risky. The downed power lines up and down the roads were scary too. On my way home I saw the utility crews fixing the lines. I know a lot of people were out of power around here.

Other than that? After today I will have finished my very first week of Nursing School. I am not totally terrified....yet. I am partially terrified. I already have a lot to do. I have to take quizzes in some classes based on stuff I am to read PRIOR to class. I do that pretty much on my own online then we discuss that material in class. This is one way to make sure you read your assignment and know it. We have to really KNOW our material. We can't just memorize or hope. Our jobs could mean a life, so we learn it, we know it, we remember it. That's the goal. It's definitely stressful but I want to do this. The only trouble is December of 2011 is so far away. (Graduation for me)

We also had a birthday on January 19th. My Angelina turned 8!! She's pretty excited. I love how at this age, they check the mirror to see if they are any taller. Yes my girls all did that! Gabbi is back in daycare and doing well. She did cry when I left the other day. That's really really hard for me!

Winding Down and a Holiday Party

Sat, 16 Jan 2010 19:48:00 +0000

It's almost that time. Classes start on Monday. It's everything I have been working for since 2005. It's everything that I put on hold while I was sick. This is it! I will begin nursing classes and I am ready. I am nervous. I am scared, but I have learned this is probably a wise feeling. I haven't met a nursing student yet who didn't have a mild breakdown, or two (or three). So I am prepared.

I hated having to take a break for so long but there was no way I could do anything in 2007. I had been sick for quite some time without knowing what was wrong. I took a yoga class in 2005 and 2006 and wondered why some positions were so hard to twist my neck into. Literally it would cut off my air supply. I would choke. I had to tell the teacher there were just some positions I couldn't do. Of course we blamed it on thyroid at that time.

By 2007 I was honestly barely standing. I was so tired and weak. I could hardly breathe through the panting and wheezing. Then I was bedridden, for a long time. I finished up my classes though in 2007. The only thing I didn't do was take my Algebra final. I had pushed through it all but knew I couldn't study for or make it through that test. I had been told I most likely had Hodgkin's Lymphoma but they were still waiting for the official diagnosis. I had barely known for 2 weeks I was pregnant. My life was a whirlwind. So my teacher let me just keep the A I had in the class without taking the final. I'll never forget it and wish I could tell her now what that meant to me.

I didn't go back to school until the summer of 2009. I had been accepted into the Nursing College and needed a few more prereqs. They told me when I started my course load in the fall they thought it was too much. I told them I had to do it. I did! Now everything I have worked for is here. I got my books. I worked it all out it seems at this point. So I could use prayers and some good luck!

Fight the Good Fight

Wed, 13 Jan 2010 23:27:00 +0000

That's how I think of it. Technically I believe that applies to faith but hey, it takes that to get through a cancer diagnosis right? I have had the pleasure of coming across so many people on the Internet, after starting this blog, who have fought that fight. I have seen some have it worse than others.

I wonder how I got a cancer that was so rare, yet for the most part very treatable. Note that not everyone is easily treated. I have met far too many people who the treatment did NOT work for and it recurred once or many times. Stem cell transplants, more chemo and all of that is not easy. It's hard. And it's scary. It's so scary not knowing what the next day will bring. It's hard not knowing if it's going to come back. It's hard to not know if you should be planning for your future.

I finally let go of those fears because they did me no good whatsoever. By giving into those fears cancer continued to steal my life. I won't let it. Even if it came back and took me I refuse to fear it. It stole my dad from me. I won't let it get to me. Yes I look at cancer as an enemy to fight. I will fight it. I won't just fight my own fight either. I am going to be a nurse so I can fight it. It's kind of like a solider going into war to fight the terrorist. My enemy just happens to be a disease.

Trying For Various Scholarships

Mon, 11 Jan 2010 22:26:00 +0000

Found this one, that apparently you can all vote on. I had to pick my favorite picture that I have taken and that's that. Now I wait. So if you want to vote for my pic and help me out, go here. Thanks!!!My Favorite Photo (I've Ever Taken) 2Brickfish[...]

The Many Ribbons of Cancer

Mon, 11 Jan 2010 02:05:00 +0000

On Facebook tonight I posted a status update that I saw on a friend's status. It told me to list those I know including myself, that are suffering or have suffered from a specific type of cancer. You put that person's name, their cancer type and ribbon color. It's a way to promote awareness. I realized how many ribbons there really are out there.I began searching and found a page that I love! It lists ribbons I frankly didn't even know existed. I cannot believe how many causes there are out there. But if you are looking for a ribbon color for a specific type of cancer here are a few and a link to the site I found.Orange: Leukemia, hunger, kidney cancer, racial tolerance and cultural diversity, Underage drinking, etc. There are so many things that the orange ribbon can stand for. I had no idea.Green: depression, bipolar disorder, leukemia, kidney cancer or disease, non-hodgkin's lymphoma etc.Purple: Pancreatic cancer, domestic violence, cancer survivor (didn't know that), Chron's Disease, etc. So many I didn't know!Violet: Hodgkin's Lymphoma, I think it may stand for more. However on this site it says Lavender and gives Hodgkin's and other. Technically Hodgkin's is a violet ribbon. The others MAY be lavender, not that there is a lot of difference but I am not going to list anything else because I don't want to be wrong!The link to the site with an extensive list is here: http://www.craftsnscraps.com/jewelry/ribbons.html[...]

Been a Few Days

Wed, 06 Jan 2010 00:36:00 +0000

I normally refrain from making a post about the last time I posted. However since it has been a few days I decided to just go with it. I have allowed myself a little time to grieve to myself. It's been a hard year and it ended very hard. Now things are just moving right along, whether I am ready or not.

I miss my dad. I really do. I find it hard to just go about the normal things in life but I have to. First of all he would want me to. I can actually see him looking at me like an oddball for even suggesting I find it hard not to. He had a way of really expressing himself without saying a word. You knew what he was thinking merely by his facial expressions. It makes me laugh to think about it! Some were pretty funny.

The second reason is for myself and third is for my family. They need me and they are grieving too. My husband feels he lost a dad. My girls miss their grandpa. He was a wonderful man. You all take my word on that. As we have all joked, the fish are probably celebrating. Way too many are going to get big and fat now that my dad isn't there to catch them.

The thing is, I start school. I start school soon. I have dilemma after dilemma and I am concentrating a lot of my brain power on that right now. I found out I only qualified for just over $6,000 in student loans. That's great except my tuition costs alone are over $7000. That doesn't include books, lab coats and day care. I don't know how I am going to do it. We are trying everything. I really thought my loans would cover it. They always have. I can't get a regular loan right now. I have so many medical bills that my credit is NOT good. My hubby took a pay cut at work. He took two actually so right now they are basing our income off of money we no longer make.

I have filled out papers. I have sent in transcripts. I have done so much. I have had a terrible headache today and yet I have hope. I have one more option, but I think it's the last one. I have definitely had way too much stress lately!

What Do I Say?

Sat, 02 Jan 2010 16:53:00 +0000

Right now the only thing on my mind is my dad. I am missing him and don't really want to talk about much else. I do have school on my mind still. I have to get my transcripts sent off to the new college. I have to figure out how I am going to pay for it all. There is still a ton to do. The only thing I think of though is that my dad will never see me graduate.

I keep seeing his face. He hasn't been gone long enough for it to seem real. I was with him up until the night of the 27th....when he passed. The day before he died he only opened his eyes about halfway for seconds at a time. If he heard his name called, or if there was a loud noise. I whispered into his ear that he was the best dad ever. He kind of raised his brows in a shrug. Everyone in my family knows this shrug. I told him I was sorry I ever took him for granted. He went back to sleep. I know he heard me. His facial expressions showed me that he did.

Just a couple of weeks ago in the emergency room I talked to my dad a lot. He seemed a lot more awake and much more talkative than he had been. He did get confused a lot but he still understood and knew a lot at the same time. At one point he asked me to spin around in a circle. I had no idea why. I figured he was confused...but I did. I turned around for him. He just smiled and reached his hand out to me. I think he just wanted to look....and remember. Then my big sister Donna was standing on one side of his bed, me on the other. He smiled and lifted each hand. He put his hand on Donna's face and his other hand on mine. He looked from her face to mine....just touching and looking. I knew what he was doing but honestly, I just didn't want to think about it. He has thought from the beginning that he was dying. Not one of us were even thinking of it as a possibility.

These are just some thoughts. I will end how my dad would end any conversation.....whenever you left my parents house my dad would always say "God Bless ya Brother [sister]".


Sandi

My Birthday, and Yet Another Loss

Mon, 28 Dec 2009 22:47:00 +0000

I have definitely been thinking while my dad has been ill that I absolutely did not want him to die on my birthday. I knew I would lose him, but I begged God to not let that day be the 29th. It may seem selfish but I wanted my dad to have his own day. I didn't want to always be sad or mourn on my birthday. I realize now that I will anyway. My dad passed away on December 27th. Tomorrow, on December 29th I will be 34. It doesn't feel like a happy birthday.

The visitation is Wednesday and the funeral is Thursday. Somehow my birthday is free of any of that stuff and for that I am thankful. I want to not really celebrate, but rather relax. I have been remembering my dad constantly. I think of him and his smiling face. I love him so much and always will. I told him repeatedly in his last day.

I don't talk much about this. It's still hard for me. This is my second major loss this time of year. This is the closest to me, but I lost a best friend December 28th 1992. Raquel was just 16 when she lost her life. I won't go into any details. Just know that up until this year that was the worst birthday of my life. I loved her. We had our petty teenage arguments (as my dear aunt Celeste knows) but they were foolish. I miss her and love her. I learned some hard lessons from what happened that year. I have been thinking of it constantly because I knew that it might end up being on the same day. The ironic thing is after my friend Raquel passed away her sister also a good friend Celeste married my uncle Joe. That uncle is my dad's brother. Now he has lost a brother on December 27 and she lost a sister on December 28th. I really and truly wondered if my dad would pass away on the 28th. In a way I am glad he didn't. I think it's best to have those dates separate.

My pain is deep and my thoughts are jumbled but I don't care to edit. I think you all get the point today. I am worried that I'll always fear my birthday. Getting older is not the problem! Bring on the age. Bring on the years. Bring on the wrinkles. I have earned them all!!!

The World Just Lost a Great Man

Mon, 28 Dec 2009 07:53:00 +0000

My dad passed away tonight. He lost his battle with pancreatic cancer at 10:23 p.m. on December 27, 2009. The obituary will say 11:30 because that is how Hospice logged it....but I held his hand as he took his last breath.

I got to his house at about 11:30 this morning. He moan and sort of yelled out at around 5 or 6 p.m. and did not breathe for a few seconds. This happened again a few minutes later. I knew it was going to be soon. Still, the whole thing has been surreal. It happened so fast. Even 2 weeks ago I still had hope he would make it, somehow. We had the surgery all lined up then they dealt us the horrible blow that he had pancreatic cancer. We brought him home, where he wanted to be.

I knelt by his bed, cried and held his hand as he left this world. The world has lost a great man, but heaven has gained a great soul. I love you dad. I miss you.

It's Getting Close, Prayers

Sun, 27 Dec 2009 16:00:00 +0000

The hospice nurse told use yesterday my dad has maybe 72 hours at most. I was with him until about 2 a.m. and decided to come get some rest. I am heading back now in a few moments. We doubt he'll last much longer. I can't help but hate that the holidays have been so bad for us. I remember how much my dad loved this time of year. My birthday is in 2 days as well. I lost one of my best friends 17 years ago on the 28th. All of these things are making this time of year harder and harder. I love the holidays too. I have to learn to separate the bad from the good. It's difficult.

Anyway, we need prayers. It gets scary sometimes listening to him breathe. I left when it sounded better. There is also a TON of snow on the ground. We got a big snow storm yesterday and it's going again now. I hope the roads aren't bad. I only have about 10 miles, but the drifting out there can get bad. I need some inner strength to get through this whole thing as well. I believe as it draws closer and closer to the very end, it will be really hard to hold it together at all.

Snowball Fight!

Thu, 24 Dec 2009 19:43:00 +0000

Made this for my girls. They really got a kick out of it.

Sad Thoughts Today

Thu, 24 Dec 2009 00:57:00 +0000

More On My Father, Pancreatic Cancer

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 16:11:00 +0000

It has been confirmed. It is pancreatic cancer and it has metastasized all over his body. In other words, it's too late. Right now we are working on bringing home. That's where he wants to be. We will need Hospice to come in and nurses to help but somehow we'll make this work. I want my dad in his own home.

It's been a discouraging year and an even worse Christmas season for me. How can one feel any Christmas spirit when the whole month is about whether or not my dad will live or die? It's hard. I can't focus on Christmas. I have had so much to worry about.

Today I will meet my sister at the hospital to discuss the next move.

My dad is just 57 years old. Don't forget to hug your daddy this Christmas.

My Dad Has Cancer

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 22:59:00 +0000

I am exhausted. It's been a long day. They canceled my dad's surgery. They had done a biopsy prior to the surgery and saw that there was absolutely a malignancy and it had spread. At this point we don't know what kind. We don't know by the sample where it started, just that it is cancer. Of course the belief is that it is pancreatic. I have been at the hospital all day. He is weak and can hardly speak. He sleeps most of the time. This has been a very hard and difficult time for my whole family. My mother is barely keeping it together. I will write more later. It's time to rest for now.

Oh and because it spread the surgery was basically pointless. It couldn't save him anymore. So it's been a discouraging day, to say the least.

A Success!

Sun, 20 Dec 2009 04:59:00 +0000

The benefit for my dad went really well. We had a lot of people come eat and a lot of people that bought raffle tickets and baked goods. It warmed my heart to see how much everyone cares. I appreciate all the help that we received at the benefit from my aunts Celeste, Mary and Meg. You are all awesome and we love you. Uncle David, Joe and Kevin, we appreciate all you did. I couldn't be happier with how things turned out.The scary news is that my dad is having a major surgery on Monday. Without this procedure he will definitely die. He is not really strong enough to have this surgery, but it's his only hope. It is called the Whipple Procedure. You can google it and get a whole lot of info. Be careful though, some images aren't for the squeamish. I saw at least one image of the actual surgery.We need prayers. I am not sure dad will make it through this surgery. The doctors have said he might not. We can only pray that this surgery is the solution and hopefully we'll finally know what it is that is making him so sick. We know for a fact now there is a mass on his pancreas. We just do not know for sure what it is.Thanks for all the love, support and prayers, donations and just everything....thank you.[...]

Gabbi and Her Toddler Bed

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 20:40:00 +0000

If you remember, a couple of months back Gabbi started jumping out of her crib. She was not yet two, though close to it and we had no choice but to buy her a toddler bed. That bed was mostly a waste until now. She would not sleep in her room at all. She cried, screamed, hyperventilated, etc. So she inevitably ended up in my bed. My poor hubby was kicked to the couch for quite awhile.

Nights happen to be the favorite time of day for my hubby and myself. We are so used to going to bed at the same time and using that time at the end of the day when the kids are all in bed for each other. We look forward to that. Gabbi took it. She would even come into the bedroom with me and when daddy started to walk in to kiss us goodnight or whatever she would close the door on him and say "Bye daddy!"

So it was time to change things. I love my girly. I love having her as my little cuddle bug. However I wanted my hubby time back too. So I decided to start small. Nap time. That's where we would start. I put her in her little toddler bed and yes she cried. I rubbed her head and sang her some lullabies then told her firmly to stay. I told her I would be back and repeated the word nap. (Which she has learned at daycare) Surprisingly she fell asleep within 10 minutes. Now, 3 days later she is napping in her bed and sleeping in her own room. We temporarily have put a cot in there for her big sister Lexi. This helps tremendously. She isn't so scared and Lexi likes doing it anyway. She even has crawled into bed with Lexi a couple of times. I don't mind so much. I just want Gabbi used to her room, used to her bed and eventually going to sleep with no trouble. We are well on our way.

Now about that potty training thing......to be continued.



Reminder if you want to donate to my dad's benefit costs (which is too much for my sisters and myself at this time of year) please click the paypal button here:

or if you are a facebook friend who cannot see the button just click here: https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=10552638

Benefit Costs

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 18:10:00 +0000

This Saturday is the Benefit for my dad. We still do not have all the supplies needed. We are not sure how big or small the turnout will be. What I do know is we do not yet have everything needed. We desperately need a few items and time is running short. If you would like to donate even a couple of dollars toward the cost of the benefit ONLY please click the paypal button below:

This will help reduce the cost of the benefit itself for my sisters and myself. Right now especially with Christmas money is very tight. My dad needs this benefit though. He will most likely need constant medical care for the rest of his life at this point. I think we are all coming to terms with this. He has copays and deductibles and a lot of other regular bills that my mom is now having to deal with paying. He cannot help anymore. So we want to just let them worry about ONE thing and that is getting dad better. I'll make sure to get a lot of pictures from the benefit and post them. I am pretty excited. If you want to donate TO my dad directly please send your donation to The John Hamilton Benefit Fund at the State Bank of Speer in Speer, Illinois. E-mail me directly for a specific address.

Finals Week!

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 00:41:00 +0000

It is a crazy week for me. It's finals this week. I have a Statistics final, Criminology, Philosophy, English/Composition II final, and I already finished my Psychology final. Wednesday I have two of them, Thursday is my final one and guess what? I am DONE with this semester and DONE with every single prerequisite.

I really have come a long way. It seems I have been at the prerequisites for a long time. I started back at college in the fall of 2005. I went all the way until the end of my spring 2007 semester. I was sick and that's when I got diagnosed. I did not go back and finish up until this Fall. I did not think I would get accepted into the nursing college I applied to on my first try. I had heard about being on a waiting list for long periods of time. I was shocked when I got my acceptance letter. I knew there was a ton to do. When I went to set up my classes, I took summer classes and fall classes to get it all done. The counselor at the college did not think I could handle the work load. Guess what? It was hard but I've done it.

Even with my dad being sick and all that's gone I have managed. I got a B in my Psychology class but you know, I'll take it. It's not the A I wanted but with all that has gone on I don't think it's too bad. I had to miss a few classes to be at the hospital with dad. Not to mention a few test dates I missed and had to make up. It threw me way off. I know my dad would not want me to fail out of college because he got sick. I think my dad was always proud of me for going back to school and working hard to becoming a nurse. He has always been proud of my sister who is also a nurse.

I am excited. I have much to do though! I am very anxious about it all. I am ready for this week to end and finals to be over. I get ONE MONTH off!!! My birthday is coming up too. I have one of those Christmas birthdays. December 29th to be exact. I am ready for a relaxing holiday with my family.

Dad Update

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 06:49:00 +0000

I spent some time with my dad tonight. He's pretty sick obviously. Tonight he wasn't feeling well at all. His stomach has been really hurting him. He's been pretty confused. He was leaning really hard to the right today for some reason so we became concerned. He seems better now though. I spent some time talking to him and though he is very quiet he is making sense to me. He thinks the staples in his head from his surgery though is an injury from the civil war. He does not think it all the time. He only does this when he gets really confused.

I talked to him and he was even joking around with me. He would honestly pretend to die. Ok I know this sounds sick but you have to know my dad. He thinks it's hilarious. He'll make himself twitch a little, shake, and then stick his tongue out....totally acting like a goof ball. I love it though. He's being his goofy old self. He put his hand on my face and held it there. He did it to my sister Donna too. He was being so loving. I'll be back to see him tomorrow. He's back at the hospital right now for those who want to know. He went back tonight.

The benefit is still on for Saturday the 19th. So to those readers who live around here and can make it, we would love to see you there!

Christmas is in the Air

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 20:12:00 +0000

It's Christmas time. Have you noticed? It's hard to miss right? *chuckle* I finally got some Christmas shopping done. I am not done shopping yet but it sure has taken a load off my mind. It's really stressful. The Holidays for us have been tight. Our bills at this point pretty much match what is coming in. We set up auto pay on our bills so by the time we see any money it's practically gone already. The holidays only make you realize just how broke you really are.

However I love Christmas. I love the friends, family, fun, food, lights, music and more! There is nothing like turning the lights off in my living room and turning the Christmas tree lights on. I'll lay on the couch and cuddle up with the hubby and watch a movie like It's a Wonderful Life. I live for those moments.

I really want to feel the Christmas spirit this year. Yes I really do, as corny as it may sound. I want to feel that joy I felt as a child. I remember the innocence and the simple pleasure in the idea of gifts and family get togethers. The whole time was magical. I want to give it to my kids. I think of Frosty the Snowman and the old Rudolf the Rednose Reindeer specials. I smell the pine trees and see the big, fluffy flakes of snow. Yeah I do love this time of year.

I am worried about my dad and it puts a damper on everything. I saw him today. He is very confused. He said he was being treated like a refugee in the civil war. I am not even positive what he meant. He constantly wondered what was going on and where he was. I miss my dad. I love him a lot and want him back with us. We told him Christmas was coming and he said "when?" We told him and he seemed surprised. I then asked him what he would like for Christmas. He seemed confused and looked at me and I said what present does he want. He looked at me again and said "To come home."

I hope his Christmas wish can come true. At least for one day.

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