Last Build Date: Mon, 30 Oct 2006 00:07:11 -0600Copyright: Copyright 2007
Mon, 30 Oct 2006 00:07:11 -0600"This poll," said Marie Albern, a spokesperson for the Institute, "had as its sample, ten thousand tenured social science professors - and these people are probably the smartest and bestest and brightest people in the whole, entire wide world!" The results suggest overwhelming support for the PMS of the Democrats. For example: On national security, the polls suggest that 98% of Americans support the Democratic PMS of stronger rights for terrorists captured in Iraq and Afghanistan or at the scene of atrocities - as well as an end to any tough incarceration. The polls suggest that by 97% to 3%, Americans support the Democratic PMS calling for an end to monitoring phone calls and financial transactions of al Qaeda-related foreigners and the termination of sophisticated profiling operations designed to catch terrorists before they strike. According to the poll, Americans would appear to be unpersuaded by Republican arguments that such actions have foiled terrorist efforts including the recent Heathrow airline bombing plans, the plans to blow up bridges in New York, the plans to blow up a synagogue in Prague and the plans to capture and kill Canadian politicians, among others. On taxes, Americans in this poll -- by an almost 20-1 majority -- support the Democratic PMS calling for higher taxes rather than the Republican position supporting lower taxes. On a related issue, those polled strongly support the double taxation of lifetime income by a margin of 75% to 25% over the Republican position supporting the elimination of the "death" double-tax. On spending, the poll suggest that Americans are completely disgusted with the level of Congressional spending under Republicans and support the Democratic PMS of far higher levels of spending by 97% to 3%. On Supreme Court Judges, those polled support -- by a 4-1 margin -- the Democratic PMS that a majority of five justices should decide all the critical social, cultural and political issues of the day and that Congress and the President should maintain their subordinate constitutional positions of only enacting and enforcing the will of the Supreme Court. They reject Republican arguments that the Court is the least democratic branch of government and that its primary role should be to adjudicate power and protect rights. On energy security, the poll suggests that Americans support the Democratic PMS against offshore drilling in the vast new oil fields of the Gulf of Mexico. Republican arguments calling for increased domestic exploration were rejected by over ten to one. On immigration, the Republican core values have generated a wide-ranging national discussion about the nature of open borders, the need for assimilation of recent arrivals, the economic benefits and risks of mass immigration in a society that has always welcomed immigrants and the extent to which taxpayers should pay benefits to people who have chosen to come to America. But the polls indicate that Americans reject the underlying rationale for this discussion - that immigration is a critical issue - and would appear to overwhelmingly support the Democrat PMS in favor of maintaining the status quo. Regarding the war on terror, the vast majority of Americans appear to support the Democrat PMS calling for immediate withdrawal of all U.S. forces from Iraq and, instead, for fighting terrorists here in America. Only 10% support the Republican political mindset that Iraq must not be allowed to become a Taliban-like state with vast wealth capable of exporting terror and dangerous weapons. By a similar majority, the polling sample overwhelmingly rejects a strategic defense initiative and agrees with the statement: "if the U.S. and Britain have nukes, its okay for North Korea and Iran to have nukes." Finally, on healthcare, by 99% to 1% Americans appear to embrace the Democratic PMS of more governmental and less patient involvement in healthcare decisions and are equally supportive of strong Democratic efforts to drastically reduce the profits of drug companies. Republicans, predictably, attempted[...]
Mon, 17 Jul 2006 00:16:53 -0600
Van Slant agreed. "Our Che T-Shirt is an example of a classic market research failure that became a surprising business success.
"You see," said Steingehirn, "our research showed that Che was Cuba's first head of industrial production - and you know how that turned out. When Che and Fidel took over, Cubans had a higher GDP per capita and led better lives than most Western Europeans. Now they're barely above Haitians."
"Driving a successful, joyful country into ruins in less than a generation is an unbelievable feat and was achieved in part by changes in the economy that Che helped put into place," said Van Slant. "But of course Che accomplished a lot more than that. He also managed La Cabana prison when it was killing hundreds of peasants every month--usually in the middle of the night with a bullet to the head and often in front of the peasant's wife and children. The guy was brutal. We also read most of his writings and we gotta tell you, this guy had absolutely zero sense of humor. He was also a pretty lousy guerrilla fighter in Africa and South America."
"So," continued Steingehirn, "we originally marketed the shirt as satire - you know the freedom and joie de vivre represented by T-Shirts juxtaposed against the photo of a petty, failed, mass-murdering, humorless, bureaucratic prison guard. We thought it would be a real hoot.
"Our market research testing suggested that this shirt would appeal to a very small group of highly intelligent people who would have extremely well developed senses of irony and humor. Gosh were we ever wide of the mark!"
"It turns out we got it totally wrong and it turned out to be totally right! And that is the genius of capitalism!" chuckled Van Slant. "We've tested thousands of actual 'Che' T-shirt buyers and they have exactly the opposite characteristics of what we projected."
"Now we know that ironic humor and sophisticated intelligence are out, and pointless conformity and existential despondency and are in," said Steingehirn. "As you can imagine, the market for this demographic is huge, especially on elite campuses and in metrosexual cities! We figure to sell our Hitler shirts to vegans, our Pol Pot shirts to the anti-suburban sprawl crowd, and the Stalin shirts to the members of the Modern Language Association. Stalin was a linguist you know."
Asked if a Castro T-Shirt might be in the offing, Van Slant's reply was enthusiastic. "Oh yes, Fidel is definitely in Tyranno T-Shirt's future.
"We've got just the picture: his trimmed grey beard, his thinning hair, his mouth open having pontificated for hours on end to bored listeners. We've run numerous tests on the target demographic. I can't reveal our findings but I can give you a hint about the marketing - The Tenured Faculty magazine will be heavily involved."
Fri, 14 Jul 2006 09:30:54 -0600"During an internal investigation, we reached the regrettable conclusion that Karl Rove has been running this newspaper since at least August, 2002," Sulzberger reportedly stated. "His intention is clear - to ruin the reputation of the newspaper and the party that our editorial policy supports." Sulzberger reportedly continued: "I ordered an investigation to determine how the Times had come to publish detailed information about a top-secret government monitoring operation of the international financial transactions of al-Qaeda and other terrorist groups. The publication of this information clearly helps an enemy that killed thousands of people just a few blocks from here. Endangering Americans is something the Times would never intentionally do. Unfortunately this story fits a pattern of publication that has almost ruined the Times' reputation for probity and journalistic honesty as well as causing incalculable damage to the Democratic party that our editorial policy supports." Edith Steingehirn, the Times' internal investigator who made the Rove discovery, told the board: "Our investigation into the publication of the terror financing story quickly led us to discover other frightening actions taken by our news and editorial divisions during the past four years." "One example of these actions," said Steingehirn was the paper's disclosure six months ago that, the Bush administration had secretly engaged in eavesdropping on international phone calls and e-mails involving terrorist connections. We published that story just as the successful Iraqi elections were making the news and the Senate was voting to reauthorize the Patriot Act. The timing could not have been better for the Bush administration - it made it look as though the Times would do anything - absolutely anything - to undermine the administration and Iraqi efforts to build a functioning society." Other examples apparently cited by Sulzberger include the fact that the Times has: 1) run Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo prison stories more than one thousand times as often as it has stories about heroic efforts of American soldiers and Iraqi citizens; 2) reported as hard news ad hominem attacks on the president by leading Democrats including statements that President Bush is worse than a Nazi and no better than Saddam Hussein; and 3) published numerous stories of little-known -- though not necessarily top secret -- military and national security information -- thus bringing it to the attention of Al-Qaeda. Since the Times is closely associated with the Democratic party," said Steingehirn, "these decisions serve to make Democratic leaders seem unserious about terrorism, ungracious toward America's soldiers and sailors, petty about any Iraqi successes in bringing modernity to a backward region, mean-spirited about the President, careless about America's reputation in the world, unwilling to work with Republican colleagues on important legislation and profoundly ignorant about America's history, culture and meaning." said Steingehirn. Sulzberger was apparently even harsher in his assessment: "Howells, bells!" he is reported to have said to assembled Times staffers. "The things we've done during the past four years make the New York Times appear to be either a treasonous supporter of al-Qaeda or a continuing, theatrical farce of the newspaper business. "We've had plagiarism and lies from star reporters. We've hired a succession of bungling Executive Editors. We have almost single-handedly wiped out the reporter-source privilege by our incompetent handling of the Plame kerfuffle. The list goes on and on and none of this would have happened without a hidden, guiding hand! And the only hidden hand that is twisted and evil and demented and malicious enough to pull this off is the one attached to the hard right arm of Karl Rove!" At the White House, Presidential Spokesman Tony Snow stated that he had spoken to Rove about the charges and that Rove is mystified. "Karl Rove has a whole planet to run," said Sno[...]