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Every Day Should Be Saturday

Updated: 2017-01-20T10:59:39-05:00




THE BIG TEN, OUR SMUGGEST AND MOST BIKEABLE CONFERENCE On the Fullcast we broached the topic of VERY BAD WORKOUT IDEAS, which in turn kind of became a discussion of one of our hairier-brained ideas ever: Biking across the country over the course of a fall, and attempting to catch a college football game every week until you ended up in Atlanta for the title game. This already sounds like a bad idea if you have ever spent more than six minutes as an adult on a bike. It sounds much, much worse when you remember that getting out of some states is nearly impossible already, and that’s before you ever consider a.) getting over the Rockies or b.) Attempting to drive across, much less bike across a flat infinity pan like Nebraska or Kansas.* Your ass would turn to bad ham, you’d get eight flat tires a day, you’d miss your family, and then possibly or definitely be flattened by a semi-truck driver somewhere outside of Columbia, Missouri.** *Fun note: in the list of cross-country bike routes, Texas just doesn’t appear. It doesn’t. Even Texan biking forums are like “WHY WOULD YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT DOING THIS HAVE YOU DRIVEN TO EL PASO, EVER?” **Dying in Missouri, even more than normal dying, sounds horrible. That’s all before you consider that the distances between games of any interest at all are bad by car, much less by bike. Take week one of the 2017 season. Moving West to East, you could start in Eugene or Seattle, and’re lost, because the most you could bike without any gear is probably 40-60 a day in decent shape, and that’s before you factor in literally everything else that can happen to you on the road. Unsupported, and towing a cart? You’ll be even slower, unless you’re already in pack mule shape and pounding amphetamines the whole way. And don’t even think about starting in Pasadena, because then you’re following the I-10 corridor across Arizona and New Mexico in early September. We don’t even know if bikes are legal in Arizona. They might be considered some kind of subversion, and legally considered cannon fodder for the state’s registered 4,500 personal cannon owners. It’s probably best to not even try. If you do, disguise yourself as something beloved in the state like a psychopathic biker on a really slow, weird motorcycle, or as Jake Plummer. Summary judgment: It starts off as near impossible and gets worse from there, and that’s before you think about where your stuff will be, and whether you have some sucker driving a support vehicle behind you. The alternatives aren’t much better. Say you just try to do a conference. The SEC features some heinous distances, and that’s before you get to the West, which appropriately is both big on the horizontal axis and tall on the vertical. College Station is 366 miles from Baton Rouge; Fayetteville sits 529 miles from Baton Rouge; Columbia, Missouri is 296 miles away from Fayetteville. That leg alone might break a professional cyclist’s heart out of boredom, much less the stress and fatigue of pedaling that far. The Big 12 and Pac-12’s immense distances eliminate them without even looking. Same for the ACC, where the mere presence of Miami and Boston College change the math to the impossible side. The Big Ten, though? @edsbs the B1G workout bike challenge would be feasible. Neb -> Iowa -> MIN -> UW -> NW -> UI -> MSU -> UM -> OSU -> PSU. 30 hr max bt stops— Eric Thelen (@EricThelen) January 20, 2017 Q: I want to have endurance, too. A: You better. You better get on your bike and do a detailed program. You better do sprints to keep your gains. You should also do endurance and not worry about your gains. The best way to keep your gains is to definitely do one or both of these, or neither. If you’re not clear on this, you’re missing a crucial part of your programming, and missing out on your maximum potential. Definitely build this into your workout regime. You should swim immediately after lifting, or maybe before. Sledgehammer swings on a tire are a waste of time[...]



SOMEONE NEEDS A ROOM Poolside, Malibu. USC relaxes in yellow bathing trunks. The sound of the breeze and the inconsistent strokes of poolboy skimming the surface of the water. Then: USC senses someone watching him. Without turning to look. USC: No. No, no, no, no, no. USC turns to look, and laughs for twenty seconds straight. USC: Jesus, take that thing off, you’re embarrassing yourself. Skew function much? Chargers: I thought it made me look younger. USC: Like you strapped clip art to your face, man. Take that shit off. Chargers: I’m sorry, it’s just that people recognize me with this. USC: Do they? I’m asking seriously. Like, even in San Diego. Chargers: I just need a few weeks. It’ll only be a few weeks, I promise. USC: No. I’ve already got company. Also, you’ll bring all those Rivers kids in there. This is a mansion and there’s not room for them here. Chargers: You don’t know how bad it is. Philip made them all little bindles like they were Okies. They sing by a fire they built in the backyard like that’s something you can do at an AirBnB. USC: That deposit’s not coming back. Chargers: THERE ARE 37 OF THEM AND THEY ALL WANT FRUIT SNACKS AND THEY ARE KILLING ME. USC: The answer’s still no. Chargers: I’ll be so quiet. I promise. I just can’t stay in a place with just 30K seats. It’s a soccer stadium, man. They don’t even have the mandatory things I, as an NFL franchise, need and crave. USC: Spanos didn’t get the human hunting range by the city council did he? Chargers: There’s scarcely room for a orgy parlor, much less the customary owner’s laborer-hunting parlor! Savages. USC: I feel for you, I really do. But you’re not staying here. Chargers: I’ve got some auditions. USC: No. Chargers: This screenplay— USC: No. Chargers: A place that makes smoothies, but with grass-fed meat in them, and getting in on the ground floor— USC: No. Chargers: Phillip. Rivers. Zumba. For. Men. USC: The door’s over there. Have fun getting outdrawn by an MLS team. Chargers: YOU’RE THE MLS TEAM. USC: Say hi to that other player from your team everyone can name. You know, the other one. Chargers: One more thing. Can I borrow a Ronald Jones II from you, I—- USC: [points to door] Chargers puts new face on and leaves. USC turns to LA RAMS. USC: When you gonna be finished with the pool, buddy? LA RAMS: Oh, around seven to nine minutes, from now, sir. [...]