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Every Day Should Be Saturday

Updated: 2017-11-22T12:59:46-05:00




A DEFINITIVE AND POINTLESS ANALYSIS WISCONSIN: TURKEY Wisconsin is turkey. It’s some people’s favorite, others could take it or leave it, but face it: the whole thing is pointless without it. It’s big, lumbering, meaty, takes four hours to get hot, and leaves you feeling sleepy afterwards, but heck if it didn’t dominate the day. Wisconsin is the turkey and I will not hear otherwise. NEBRASKA: STUFFING You really thought it should be cornbread stuffing, right? That would make sense. Nope, it’s oyster stuffing. That’s right, you didn’t get what you expected out of Nebraska. Neither did Jim Delany. Also, it could be the best thing on the table or the worst, depending on who makes it. Uncle Mike’s a great guy, but he makes a soggy, bland stuffing. You’re starting to miss Aunt Sheila’s old boyfriend Bo. He made really good stuffing, and you just had to deal with him flipping the dinner table now and then. I wonder what he’s up to these days. NORTHWESTERN: MASHED POTATOES Never the star of the show. You’re not showing up just to see mashed potatoes, but, hey, look at that, they’re 8-3 again. Quiet, dignified success with a bunch of white lumps. IOWA: MAC AND CHEESE Here’s the thing, a lot of people forget about mac and cheese, at least in this part of the country. You ask them to list off Thanksgiving side dishes, and they’ll rattle off the stuffing, the mashed potatoes, the green bean casserole, and so on. They’ll forget about mac and cheese. Then one day someone shows up with mac and cheese. BOOM. That’s Iowa. Out of nowhere, and they’ve dominated the day. They don’t reheat well and they’ll be a rubbery mess tomorrow. ILLINOIS: CRANBERRY SAUCE No except your mother wants it, but she wants it, so we’re going to do it, okay? You don’t have to have any if you don’t want. It’s not bothering anyone. MINNESOTA: GREEN BEAN CASSEROLE Always sort of a novelty. Shows up once a year, and you’re like “oh yeah! that sounds great, I’ll have some”. And then it’s fine. It’s perfectly fine. Tried to talk yourself into elevating it this year. You made mushroom soup from scratch, and fried your own onion topping. It was gonna make the leap from perennial 4th-best side dish to being a real centerpiece contender. The onions turned out kinda limp, though, and it probably would’ve just been best if you used the condensed soup out of the can. People appreciated your enthusiasm for trying something new, but maybe it’s just not that kind of dish, right? PURDUE: GRAVY Look, you’ve gotta have gravy, but, and this may be controversial: it’s not going to make or break the meal. It’s just nice when it’s good. Makes everything else a little tastier. Seems like it’s got all the ingredients you need for success: a few spare parts from the bigger menu items, some added fat, a little flour. I always kinda screw it up, though. Starts out looking like this might be the year I put it together, and by the end, it’s thin and clumpy. Oh, well. Next year. Next year’s the year I get gravy right. [...]



MOM’S BEEN RELIEVED OF HER DUTIES [SCENE: the doorstep of your family’s home, late Thursday morning] YOU: [deep breath] Okay, we ready to go in? YOUR SPOUSE: Of course. I know the holidays can be stressful, but it’s still nice to see family. And your mother always works so hard at making a huge meal. YOU: You’re right. Okay, let’s do this. [rings doorbell] ACTING UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT: Ah, yes, hello, please do come in. We’re very happy that you’ve gathered here today, in what we think is an important juncture for this family and program. YOU: I’m... I’m sorry, what? Who are you? What’s going on? Mom, why are you sitting on the couch? I thought you loved cooking Thanksgiving dinner? MOM: I’ll tell you what’s going on, this son of a- ACTING UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT: After careful analysis of the situation, it was determined that your mother received improper benefits in direct violation of her contract, and- MOM: THOSE TURKEYS WERE FREE, GREG, I’VE BEEN FILLING UP THE MALIBU AT KROGER FOR MONTHS TO EARN THAT, GODDAMNIT ACTING UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT: - we felt it was in the best interest of all parties to suspend her cooking duties and name an interim chef for the remainder of the holiday season. YOU: An interim chef? But who would even be availab- [a small explosion can be heard from the kitchen] [a man bursts through the door, on fire] BRADY HOKE: AH GOSH JEEZITS THAT’S HOT OUCH OUCH OUCH HIYA FOLKS BE RIGHT WITH YA AHSONUVATRUMPET OUCH OUCH [your father tackles him with a blanket, beating the flames out] BRADY HOKE: HOO BOY THANK YOU SIR THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE SIR I THINK THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUR OVEN, MA’AM, THE POTATOES EXPLODED [your mother rushes in to inspect the damage] [she returns, angered further] MOM: What in the hell did you even do? The oven is filled with potatoes. There must be 200 pounds jammed in there. HOKE: WELL, YOU SEE, [clapping] I JUST... I just thought you all would like some potatoes, I like potatoes, they’re like underground French fry fists, and... [lip starts quivering] ACTING UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT: That’s good, Brady, it’s okay. We all like potatoes. Why don’t you go in and work on the stuffing, okay? HOKE: [whimpers, nods, returns to kitchen] YOU: I still don’t quite understand how he caught fire there. MOM: I still don’t understand why we’re putting up with this bullshit, BILL DAD: Now, honey, let’s let the NCAA investigation play out, we don’t want to jeopardize Christmas too. ACTING UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT: We’ve contracted a search firm to explore our options going forward, and we’re confident that the investment will pay o- [another explosion can be heard in the kitchen] ACTING UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT: I’ll be right back. [grabs blanket, heads to kitchen] [a commotion can be heard] ACTING UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT [audible through door]: WHY DID YOU MICROWAVE THE FLATWARE HOKE: [muffled sobbing] [the president pokes head out through door] ACTING UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT: We’ll just be a moment. MOM: Is this how long we’ve sunk as a family? Is it my fault that things got to this point? Things used to be really great around here. In the ‘90s, we’d have a full house, and you all were excited to be here! We’d have the best Thanksgiving on the block. Every year, people knew it! DAD: Well, except for ‘97, but- MOM: I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT 1997 DAD: Anyways, hon, I think the thing is, we have to change and recognize that it’s not the ‘90s anymore, and our situation isn’t the same. Maybe this’ll be the change we needed as a family. Maybe we needed to hit rock bottom this Thanksgiving so we could finally take that next step as a family. [the kitchen door opens again] ACTING UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT: We're pleased to announce that we have agreed to terms with a new Thanksgiving chef. While we are appreciative of Coach Hoke’s contributions in getting through this difficult time for our program, we’ve decided to mutually part ways in the best interest of all parties. Isn’t that right, Brady? HOK[...]



OR IT MIGHT NOT, BELIEVE NOTHING, WHO THE HELL KNOWS can someone explain why japanese game show 'slippery stairs' hasn't made its way to our part of the world yet— juan (@juanbuis) November 20, 2017 Is Chip Kelly Florida’s coach? We don’t know, but neither do you, the University of Florida, or Chip Kelly. Everyone is in good company here. BUT I—- Ditch every message board rumor, Twitter “BANK IT” certainty, and “thing I saw that I desperately want to be true.” We have a thousand things we want to be true right now. However, that doesn’t mean tweeting out “the coaching search is over and you also don’t have to worry about two kids home from school climbing over your laptop with full beverages about to spill” gets that RT button smashed, buddy. That guy who is the son of a board member or that other guy you know who’s real connected? He is telling you what you want to hear. That’s a whole profession, and if you want to get through this half-sane you’ll have nothing to do with it. What do you know, you worthless multitasking man in sweatpants? The rock-ribbed AP confirmed the New Hampshire meeting between Kelly and UF this weekend. From there, everyone can assume a few obvious things that still need stating anyway. Like? Well, that Chip Kelly is evidently choice one, and that Stricklin and his superiors still have large ambitions about football at the University of Florida. It also means Chip Kelly, for the moment, has decided he might be a college football coach, and is progressing along that particular part of his career curve at the moment. Florida is demonstrably searching for a coach who will score points, and one with substantial evidence of prior success. That coach can come even if he has a show-cause on his record re: recruiting. Because WE STILL SEC, Y’ALL. Is that different than the previous two searches? Um, yes, actually? No one is more skeptical about the competence of highly-paid adults trying to do anything well, but the names mentioned so far—Chip Kelly and Scott Frost—are people who have done the job of head coach before, had aggressive, productive offenses, and have nothing to do with Nick Saban whatsoever. The first two factors are objectively true, while the third is us nodding at the injection of an entirely new way of doing things into a stale ecosystem of ideas. Does Chip Kelly not immediately taking the job and running home with the University of Florida mean he turned down Florida? Nah. He’s got a full dance card and will take a turn with everyone else. Everyone else in this case is UCLA, which just fired Jim Mora, and has a lot of very positive things to offer a coach wanting a neat reintroduction into college football. See: a large recruiting base in a sunny place, familiar competitive turf, and a desperate situation they can exploit contractually for control, etc. Kelly took a full week after turning down the Eagles in January of 2013. He also talked to the Browns. This is a good sign for Florida. No one, in Chip Kelly’s eyes, is beyond saving—including this forlorn football program coming off a triumphant win over UAB. Is this even a good idea? It’s not a bad idea? It’s definitely not a bad idea, and in a string of bad ideas made bad realities for Florida that is a change. Generally speaking: Chip Kelly went 46-7 at Oregon, was 15-6 versus ranked teams, got the Ducks to a national title game, won the Pac-12 three out of four years he was there, changed the way most teams play and defend college football offenses, and did so at a place that historically hasn’t come close to that kind of success. There’s Nike money pushing that and quite an inheritance from Mike Bellotti, sure. But a large percentage of that success should be credited directly to Kelly, whose four year tenure changed the way a lot of people do things in the sport. ARE THERE RISKS, THOUGH? TELL ME THE RISKS, SPECIFICALLY THAT THEY DON’T EXIST SO I CAN GO ON LIVING MY LIFE[...]





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Fullcast topics include but definitely are not limited to:

Butch Jones building Oregon State! #STICKBYSTICK

Desperation for Florida ends up with a nude Kliff Kingsbury on the sideline!

A truly horrific riff on having sex with a Henley on!

No really it's still in our brains twelve hours later so it might as well be in yours!

How every program in the country should take serious precautions against hiring the wrong Stoops brother!

Would Tennessee pass on Tee Martin for [ahem] no obvious reason, why of course they would!

Spencer yet again miscalculates someone's age and misses by a full decade!

An extensive defense of Outback steakhouse as a public utility!

Subscribe to Shutdown Fullcast, the world’s only college football podcast, on iTunes, Spotify, and wherever else. Leave a rating and review, and follow us on Twitter to get your hottest takes discussed on the show.




THE AGING PROCESS FOR ARKANSAS HAM IS A BRUTAL ONE Arkansas fired their Athletic Director Jeff Long this morning, per Bruce Feldman. He may be remembered best as the man who fired Bobby Petrino at Arkansas, and who then hired Bret Bielema after Bielema wrote him a nice letter about how he handled said firing. Sometimes networking isn’t hard or complex at all. Photo by Wesley Hitt/Getty Images 2013: A FRESHFACED PIGLET There were other reasons Bielema was hired, of course. Bielema came to Arkansas with a 68-24 record and a no-frills approach to playing power football in a state without a huge recruiting pool. This seemed to sort of fit Arkansas’s situation at the time, so the Bielema hire wasn’t completely without theoretical merit in terms of matching a resume with a situation. Photo by Wesley Hitt/Getty Images 2014: THE ELEMENTS AND STRESS SETTLE IN There may be one other important reason, too. Bret Bielema definitely has a passion for large sandwiches and a cold one. We mention because Jeff Long only has one other football coaching hire on his record: Dave Wannstedt, whom Long brought on at Pitt. Jeff Long simply can’t resist burly men with a hankering for massive sandwiches, a dedication to the run game, and going a little under .500 as head coach.* *West Virginia fans, you really should hate Jeff Long. Add him to the extremely long “People West Virginians Hate Ledger” at the next meeting y’all have. Photo by Wesley Hitt/Getty Images 2015: THIS IS DURING A 28-3 WIN, BELIEVE IT OR NOT That less-than-inspiring record happens to be about where Bret Bielema stands now in his fifth season at Arkansas: 29-32 overall, just 11-27 in in SEC play, and doing the dreaded downward turn coming into the home stretch of the 2017 season. His benefactor, Long, is now gone after an ugly Board of Trustees meeting last week where Long allegedly sat outside on a bench instead of in the meeting. Bielema would appear to be, for the moment, completely unprotected at Arkansas. Photo by Wesley Hitt/Getty Images 2016: BEGINNING TO SHOW WRINKLES AND AGING LIKE AN INCONSISTENTLY AGED HUNK OF PROSCIUTTO After five years, that is on Bielema. The roster is built from his recruits, the assistants are his hires, and the results are conclusively his. What that equals in 2017, so far: four conference losses by more than 20 points each, a combined 64 point margin in the negative against the state of Alabama in two games against the Crimson Tide and Auburn, and an incoming recruiting class currently ranked 20 spots below Rutgers by Rivals. A kinder person wouldn’t mention a narrow win over mediocre competition, because a win is a win is a win. We’re not that person. This year also featured a one point win at home over Coastal Carolina. The Chanticleers prefaced this near-win by losing earlier in the season 52-10 to Western Illinois. Arkansas was almost out here handing out transitive road victories to directional whatevers from somewhere between Peoria and Keokuk in the year of our lord 2017. Arkansas is a one point win over a scandal-dazed Ole Miss team from being winless in conference for the year to date. With a game against Mississippi State coming up, it doesn’t look like they’ll pick up another division win—or possibly not even another conference win given how well Missouri (the only other remaining game on the schedule) is beating derelict teams right now. via @bubbaprog 2017: LIKE A SIXTY YEAR OLD MICK FOLEY FRESH OFF A CAGE MATCH None of this ended up working. There was enough time, and enough money, and it didn’t work. That’s fine. It happens, more often than not at places like Arkansas with smaller populations, unique geographical challenges, and vicious competition on all sides. Bielema will get his money, though less of it in buyout form than one might t[...]



THE BEST CARD IN THE DECK IS AN ABSOLUTE COMMITMENT TO BEING COMPLETELY UNREASONABLE scrolling="no" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="" webkitallowfullscreen="" mozallowfullscreen="" src="" width="640" height="360"> It’s buyout season. Even if a coach is fleeing a program with scorch marks on their pants and a three-win season behind them, there is always something more to take on the way out the door. If security is escorting them out of the building, hit the bowl of leftover Halloween candy on the way out the door. Take some stationery. Negotiate some benefit extensions and insist on the full buyout. Make something happen, and ask even if it doesn’t make sense. Why? Because eve[...]



A GRIPPING PSYCHOLOGICAL THRILLER [contemplating a torso covered in cryptic tattoos, Brutus the Buckeye stands in front of the mirror in a hotel room] BRUTUS: I’m trying to find the man who killed my wife. BRUTUS’S COMPANION, BILL: Dude, we keep talking about this. Your wife left you after you invested all your savings in something called “Tapout: The Restaurant”. BRUTUS: She’s not dead? BILL: Not in the least. She moved to Florida. Lives with a guy named Dale now. Here, look at this Instagram. They’re both pretending to take a bite from the same big donut. BRUTUS: Aw, they seem happy. Now, who’s she? BILL: Man, this is gonna get really annoying. Anyways, let’s focus. BRUTUS: Got it. BILL: Good. BRUTUS: On what? BILL: You’re trying to find the man who ruined your playoff dreams. BRUTUS: Ah, right. [looks at tattoo on bicep] “D.S. ruined your playoff dreams.” Hey, is that D.S. over there? [points to the lifeless bodies of the entire Michigan State football team, which have been stacked in a corner of the hotel room. BILL: Yep, that’s probably them. Dantonio’s Spartans. Ruined your playoff hopes in 2015. It was the weirdest thing, you had one of the top running backs in the country, and you didn’t run the ball that game. BRUTUS: I don’t remember that. BILL: That would explain what happened against Iowa last week. BRUTUS: What happened against Iowa last week? BILL: No one really knows. BRUTUS: Wait, there’s another tattoo here. BILL: The Celtic cross? I know, I thought that was strange too, since you’re not Irish. BRUTUS: My grandmother was half-Irish. That’s why I get so drunk on St. Patrick’s Day. BILL: Huh, I would’ve just thought it was because of Ohio State basketball. BRUTUS: But no, this one right here, next to the barbed wire: it says “It definitely wasn’t Michigan State, that’s not what D.S. stands for, that was only a red herring.” BILL: Ah, well. BRUTUS: Seems like if I was going to have that long a clue tattooed on me, I could’ve just given myself the answer. Seems awfully circuitous. BILL: Oh, so the 2014 season was fine with you, but now this is circuitous. Got it. That’s consistent. BRUTUS: [rifling through Polaroids] wait, here, look at this! It looks like I’m getting absolutely destroyed by Oklahoma in these. That’s got to be it. This Baker Mayfield kid threw all over us then. And look at this YouTube clip! He’s got some moves. That must’ve been it, it was the Dancing Sooner. BILL: That makes perfect sense. BRUTUS: Does it? BILL: Does what? BRUTUS: ... I’ve already forgotten. BILL: Well, that’s the great thing about getting shitcanned in Week 2, the Committee’s forgotten too. So I wouldn’t really worry about that one. BRUTUS: Wait, you’d said something about Iowa, right? [rifles through newspapers] Yeah, yeah, look at this... it says I gave up 55 points to Iowa, is that right? BILL: Nothing about that was right. Including the fact that you somehow found print newspapers in 2017. But, yeah, technically you did lose by 31 to Iowa. That happened. BRUTUS: And that’s what ruined my playoff hopes, right? BILL: Miraculously, no, you’re definitely still in playoff contention. You’re a two-loss team that gave up 55 points to Iowa, and you’ve got almost a clear path to being in the playoff. It’s harder to follow than the actual plot of Memento, and that was hard to follow. BRUTUS: No, that can’t be true. I’ve got to be out of playoff contention, and that was what did it. But what does D.S. stand for, then? BILL: Dumb shit? Happens in Iowa City at least once a year. BRUTUS: Deceptively stable? You think Kirk Ferentz is just out there grinding out 8-5 seasons, and then you realize he’s doing it in the weirdest possible way. BILL: I really don’t think Iowa’s the problem here. BRUTUS: No, I’m pretty sure I need to hunt down Kirk Ferentz. KIRK FERENT[...]





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Georgia got whooped. Notre Dame got whooped. Michigan State got whooped. Tennessee has given the reins to Whoopin Recipient Specialist Brady Hoke. The Playoff Committee might be in for a whoopin. Syracuse's defense got whooped. Oh, there's also some audio we left in here from when Spencer had to reset his whole computer so Jason and Ryan invent a movie about a man going back and re-making all of the same mistakes.

Weirdly, this movie is not called "What If Georgia Plays Auburn Again In The SEC Championship?"

Subscribe to Shutdown Fullcast, the world’s only college football podcast, on iTunes, Spotify, and wherever else. Leave a rating and review, and follow us on Twitter to get your hottest takes discussed on the show.