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Every Day Should Be Saturday

Updated: 2017-03-29T16:31:02-04:00




THE PROCESS MEANS CLEANING YOUR GRILL THE RIGHT WAY— Matt Porter (@mattyports) March 28, 2017 People should be fine with Kentucky being one of two basketball-first schools in the SEC. This goes for Kentucky fans first, not that they needed permission. Kentucky fans have always been completely at ease with having fun indoors with or without the permission of their pastor, and will talk about it in public happily and openly. They’re unique in the SEC for that, and should be applauded for it. THAT QUOTE NO ONE EVER LOOKS UP After all, basketball is good. It is, stop being silly, it’s a perfectly great sport. It’s a sport with some really large advantages over football, when you think about it. It’s fast, and rarely swallows up five hours of a Saturday afternoon when SOMEONE* decides to go to triple overtime or something on top of all those CBS commercial breaks. It rarely involves waiting for the doctors to verify someone isn’t dead on the field/court of play before resuming play. It’s fun, no one seems to get CTE from playing it too much, and it has dunking. Nothing with dunking on someone can be too bad. *SOMEONE is inevitably, like, Arkansas and Ole Miss, and everyone hates everything that happens in it and it ends in tears even for the victor, who’s just shook after the whole thing and wants it to be gone from their memory ASAP. It’s great for the rest of us, so please: never stop playing this kind of soul-traumatizing game. ABOUT HOW IT’S NOT LOSING THAT HURTS It has its perks like that. and how Kentucky also happens to have John Calipari, one of the few college coaches honest enough to just admit this is a business, and that his job is to get people into the NBA so they can make money they otherwise are forbidden to make in college. Mind you: John Calipari will still take that check, thank you very much, for coaching this college basketball team, but he’s as close as you’ll get to a principled bandito in college basketball as you’ll get. This is not an aside, but an additive detail disclosing full personal bias: He wore a full baby blue Memphis tracksuit on Best Damn Sports Show once, and that was easily half of the reason to like him. He looked so damn comfortable in it, and not at all like Niko Bellic from GTA3 or Steve Carell from Foxcatcher—the two people every other white man on the planet resembles when trying to wear a full sweatsuit or tracksuit in public. Don vibes for daaaaaaaays. John Calipari could sell us dynamite underwear in a forest fire, and it’s important to admit that at all times when discussing why you like him, or any other salesperson of great authority. Know your specific gullibilities. Write them down on a card, if it helps. BUT THE HOPE KILLING YOU? YEAH, THAT’S WHY YOU DON’T WANT KENTUCKY FANS CARING ABOUT TWO SPORTS Now look at that. Those are Kentucky fans chasing the dragon of a.) their basketball team coming from behind late and tying the game against North Carolina with next to nothing left on the clock, and b.) watching that tie turn a season-ending loss with a late dagger from UNC’s Luke Maye. Look at them: these authentic surrender cobras, coaxed into existence spontaneously and from the hearts and souls of these horrified fans. If this moment were a drug, it would be a schedule one substance. You would do serious time for holding more than five grams, which would not be a problem because no one, ever, would use this drug for recreational purposes.* *Except people who hate Kentucky basketball, so...Louisville fans, we guess. If you can enjoy that: do, we can’t stop you. The lesson for us and anyone reasonable watching is that we don’t like feeling that way about one sport, much less two, or god forbid three at once. Mark Stoops’ team beat Louisville and Heisman winner Lamar Jackson last year after a putrid start, finished 7-6, and are in the top 25 for recruiting. They should return 17 of 22 starters, and in a terrible SEC East[...]



A LIFETIME OF ROOTING FOR THE HOGS INFLICTS ENOUGH PAIN ON YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES It’s a longtime stated belief of this website: The most insane fans by degree and context in the SEC are Arkansas fans. Alabama fans are obsessed, yes, but their obsession at least has a tangible, reasonable action/reward system that keeps the whole thing working. LSU fans, while not sane, have a similar if not quite as productive positive feedback loop working with the Tigers as well as a significant cultural element keeping their fandom alive. (i.e. “It’s perfectly acceptable to show up for a Saturday game on Thursday night, cook on the Parade Grounds, and live your life from a tailgate for at least 21 days not counting road games during the season.”) Arkansas, however: Man, Arkansas fans follow and love and stay devoted to a team often good enough to give them hope, and then bad enough to invalidate the concept of hope itself. There are a thousand angles to take on the issue of letting football fans period carry guns into a stadium, but let’s start with this one. Pretend it doesn’t apply to anyone in particular, even if all of this sounds like an Arkansas fan. Take a person. Place them in a largely rural state with the standard Southeastern mix of societal factors like loads of hunting, income inequality, an affinity for hefty incarceration rates and the death penalty, and violence. Give them a generational and cultural bond with a football team, the only football team for miles around in an NFL-free state. Put them in a conference noted for corruption and lunatic behavior, and then move them into another conference noted for normalized corruption and even more lunatic behavior. Make the level of competition absolutely savage. Do not give them the proximity to huge talent bases. Do not give them a booster corps and state government 100% devoted at all costs to making football great, like oh just picking one at random OH HOW BOUT ALABAMA. That’s a pretty mean cage to put this fan in, but it doesn’t sound too different from other SEC fans’ basic setups. The difference with Arkansas fans: the sticks they got and get poked with, which are sharper than most and relentless. To name a few: Give that team one real brush with a national title, and make sure they lose in mindbreaking fashion. Give them a spell with Lou Holtz, and see how that ends. (Predictably!) Move them into the SEC West, where they have to compete with Alabama and everyone else in the division year in and year out. Put them through some of the strangest coaching hires and tenures of any team over the past two decades. Make sure these strange hires include the inexplicable near-excellence of Houston Nutt, a promising stint by Bobby Petrino that ended when he literally fell off a motorcycle with his mistress on the back, and a lost season under John L. Smith that didn’t even qualify as scrimmage-level football that they actually paid John L. Smith to only do for one season. By design! They did that on purpose, y’all. Pay Bret Bielema four million dollars to go 25-26 and be very, very likable while losing to Auburn 56-3 in the calendar year 2016, but also hammering Florida 31-10? That all happened, and it just happened in the last year. If you want vintage, remind Arkansas fans about their coach getting fired the day after losing to Citadel at home. There’s no bottom here. Make sure your history isn’t bad enough to scare people off, but is just good enough to keep fans on the hook forever. Have this happen, too. src="" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="" scrolling="no" style="top: 0px; left: 0px; width: 100%; height: 100%; position: absolute;"> Now, after considering all that: Of all the people you want to have guns in a stadium, are these the best choice for this bold experiment in American freedom? We’re not saying Arkansas fans are inherently insane. We are saying: it’s not your faul[...]



AND HE SEEMS FAMILIAR SEARS EXECUTIVE #1: Boy, things are not looking good for us. We’ve been in decline for years, we’ve sold off some of our marquee brands such as Craftsman, and now we’d had to admit in an SEC filing that there’s “substantial doubt” we can continue as a company. SEARS EXECUTIVE #2: Where did we go wrong? We were once one of America’s premier brands, the Amazon and Wal-mart of our- MCDONALDS MANAGER: Hey, you need to buy something if you’re going to hang out here. Seats are for paying customers only. EXEC #1: Hey, I bought this drink! MANAGER: That’s a commemorative tie-in cup from the 1992 Summer Olympics. It’s got Chris Mullin on it. EXEC #1: And I paid for it. MANAGER: Please leave. [later, back at the failing mall] EXEC #2: We were the Wal-Mart of our day! People bought everything at Sears. Appliances, tools, financial products, housewares and underwear! EXEC #1: The internet was always coming for us. Sure, for a time we could hold off. Only young people were shopping online. Older customers were afraid of the internet. But once they realized the internet was a place where you could scream at newspapers without even putting a coat on, our goose was cooked. EXEC #2: We’ve got to do something dramatic. We once had our name on America’s tallest building. We can’t risk going the way of such failed American icons as Pan Am, Blockbuster Video, Texas Longhorns football or democracy! EXEC #1: We need to learn how to survive. How to get leaner, nimbler. How to function when you’ve got nothing. When no one cares about you. When all hope is lost. EXEC #2: Wait... I think I might know just who to talk to. C’mon, follow me. [they weave through the mall, past the sunglass hut and the Bombay Company store, down into a forgotten, abandoned wing. Light peeks through dirt-caked skylights, and a figure can be seen in the darkness, chopping wood] FIGURE: Leave me alone. It’s not my season. EXEC #1: We need your help. FIGURE: Didn’t you hear me? I’m out of the game. [chops log] EXEC #2: You’re the only one we can turn to. Sears needs you. [silence, more chopping] EXEC #2: We’ll let you take any discount athletic wear you want from the store. [the figure steps into the light] PURDUE SANTA: I’m in. EXEC #1: We need to know how you do it. You should’ve disappeared a decade ago. No one’s cared a whit about you, but you’re still here. Tell us how you survive. PURDUE SANTA: Well first, moneybags, cut out those extravagances. [gestures toward the Chris Mullin cup]. Don’t need to be buyin’ those name-brand pops when you’re living light. Me? I make my own Pepsi. [holds up half a basketball, full of rainwater and old batteries] Now, [sips from basketball] tell me this. How much are you paying for overhead lighting? EXEC #2: I don’t know, maybe $20,000 a- PURDUE SANTA: [produces handgun, shoots hole in ceiling] EXECS: AHH PURDUE SANTA: Daylight’s free, boys. It’s nature’s two-star recruit. Ain’t got no offers better than comin’ in through a hole in the roof. EXEC #1: What if it rains? PURDUE SANTA: Free Pepsi. That’s just a value-add, fellas. Now, let’s talk branding. EXEC #2: Well, I think that’s one of our strongest suits, the Sears and Roebuck name stretches back over a centu- PURDUE SANTA: [holding up red-hot branding iron] not what I meant, sonny. You want loyal customers, put your name on ‘em. EXEC #2: I don’t think that would endear us to our customers, it sounds extremely painful. PURDUE SANTA: [holding branding iron by hot end, not flinching] Pain shows you care. You think people root for a mediocre football team by choice? Nah. They’re just born somewhere and you mark a claim on ‘em before they know what’s good for ‘em. EXEC #1: Look, I’m starting to think this whole thing was a mistake. Maybe we’ll just sell off more assets and close some more underperforming stores, focus on developing a more robust online presence, streamline around our legacy brands- PURD[...]





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We continue to test the limits and boundaries of this already poorly-constructed podcast by trying a new format this week: solving your mysteries. Mysteries like!

  • Why is Wisconsin consistently good?
  • Why is Cal consistently not given how much NFL talent they generate?
  • Who conspired to keep Auburn out of the 2004 title game?
  • What happens if Spencer leaves his two sons alone in a room for more than 10 minutes?
  • Who's preventing SEC schools from adopting the currency system of John Wick?
  • When does Will Muschamp reveal that he's got a good offense ok see this format already ran its course

Oh yeah, this is also the start of season 5. There's no reasoning here. I just got tired of counting.




FROM THE MAN WHO ALSO WROTE THE GAY CABALLERO src="" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="" style="top: 0px; left: 0px; width: 100%; height: 100%; position: absolute;"> First of all, it’s got a good name: THE BUCKEYE BATTLE CRY. It’s illogical, because nuts cannot cry or even sing, much less engage in battle or warfare of any sort. All fight songs should start at illogical nonsense, and then move forward towards incoherence from there. The title is good, Ohio State. This is a very good title indeed. Second, it’s authentic vaudeville-style bom-bompery, another plus when you’re talking about fight songs. Most fight songs for major universities were written out of (or just plain stolen) from military marches or ragtime jazz. We prefer ragtime jazz, since it shares so much of what we consider to be essential college football identity: Near-chaos, rampant fraud, black market economics, and a generally festive atmosphere bordering on something that should be broken up by the authorities. Military-style fight songs are fine—hi Texas A&M!—but on the whole, you want a good bit of blustery nonsense. You know, something that sounds like a jazz band playing in the back of a delivery van, but only if that delivery van began rolling downhill Third: it was actually written by a vaudeville guy, Frank Crumit, who actually went to Ohio State, and looks appropriately miserable for someone writing a seminal piece of America’s Most Vocally Miserable State’s culture. LIFE IS POINTLESS, THE SPOT WAS GOOD, BUT THE EMAILS, GO BUCKS, EAT AT ARBY’S WHICH WAS FOUNDED IN OHIO, TOO Crumit was a very successful songwriter whose song credits include all of the following completely real songs: “And Then He Took Up Golf” “No News (or What Killed The Dog)” “The Gay Caballero” “Bohunkus” “The Pig Got Up And Slowly Walked Away” “I Married The Bootlegger’s Daughter” “The Return of a Gay Caballero” “There’s No-one With Endurance Like The Man Who Sells Insurance” “What Kind of a Noise Annoys an Oyster?” “Jack Is Every Inch A Sailor” “Wrap Me Up in my Tarpaulin Jacket” “Lady of my Dreams Taught Me How To Play Second Fiddle” “I Wish I Was In Peoria” “She Gives Them All The Ha Ha Ha” “I Can’t Stand Sitting In A Cell” We made none of these up. Frank Crumit is obviously our nation’s greatest songwriter ever, and we wrote this entire thing just to include these song titles. That’s really the reason for this whole post, and we admit that. Go look at the lyrics for “The Gay Caballero” and tell us it was not worth it. Fourth and not least of all the lyrics rule: In old Ohio (Columbus) there's a team, That's known thru-out the land; Unnecessary hyphens. Another indicator of jazz-age excellence and fashionable antediluvian spelling. Points awarded. Eleven warriors, brave and bold, Whose fame will ever stand, And when the ball goes over, Our cheers will reach the sky, Ohio Field will hear again The Buckeye Battle Cry. Brave and bold is kind of repeating yourself or at least overlapping, but that’s fine. Endless hyperbole is key, and we’ve got that here. Also the “ball going over” probably refers to cheering for punts, which is super Big Ten and on brand. This is going so well, Ohio State. Archetypical, immortal fight song material. Drive! Drive on down the field; Men of the scarlet and gray; Don't let them thru that line, We've got to win this game today, You might think reminders that you need to win football games are unnecessary, but Illinois’ fight song only mentions expecting a victory, not requiring it. Look how that worked out for them. You’re not assuming anything, Ohio State, and that’s important. Come on, Ohio! Smash thru to victory, We'll cheer you as you go; Our honor defend So we'[...]