2016-10-27T13:16:58-04:00A VERY STUPID QUIZ BUT WHO CARES This quiz, inspired by a random tweet from Spencer (which means there’s an answer to one of the questions there), will not really make you any smarter or more charming. THE CIVIL CONFLICT TROPHY, now alone in the waning October light: ... hello? [the stadium lights shut off] THE CIVIL CONFLICT TROPHY: [begins softly humming the Smiths' "I Know It's Over"] [later, back at the apartment it shares with the Frank Leahy Memorial Bowl] [The Civil Conflict Trophy is packing a suitcase] THE FRANK LEAHY MEMORIAL BOWL: Civ, you don't need to do this. We've all had our hearts broken before, but you have to pick up the pieces and carry on with your life. THE CIVIL CONFLICT TROPHY: That's easy for you to say, Frank. You're a beloved tradition. People care about you. People know who you are. We wouldn't even need to shoehorn in awkward exposition to remind readers that you're awarded to the winner of the annual game between Boston College and Notre Dame. THE FRANK LEAHY MEMORIAL BOWL: Wait what readers THE CIVIL CONFLICT TROPHY: People care about Boston College and Notre Dame. Even when one of the teams is in a prolonged downturn - THE FRANK LEAHY MEMORIAL BOWL: Like Notre Dame? THE CIVIL CONFLICT TROPHY: - yes, like Notre Dame, who is currently 2-5 - people want to win you! THE FRANK LEAHY MEMORIAL BOWL: Look, you can't run away from your problems. THE CIVIL CONFLICT TROPHY: I'm not running away. I'm living the life I was always supposed to live. I'm not going to live by their rules any more. [we go through a montage of the trophy traveling by taxi, by plane, by train, and finally on horseback, set to like, an Ed Sheeran song] [the trophy arrives in a small Italian country town, where a crowd has gathered to watch two men eating pasta furiously] THE CIVIL CONFLICT TROPHY, fumbling with translation app: Che cosa sta... succedendo qui? VILLAGER: Oh, uh, it's an eating competition. The men are competing to see who can eat the most pasta. THE CIVIL CONFLICT TROPHY: Wow, this is terrific! Hey, I bet you need a trophy for the winner. VILLAGER: No, we just make him the mayor. THE CIVIL CONFLICT TROPHY: [sadly] Aw. VILLAGER: Ehi ragazzi, guardate questo triste trofeo parlano! [we skip ahead, where the trophy is in a temple somewhere in India, sitting next to religious idols] THE CIVIL CONFLICT TROPHY: Nope, no, this doesn't feel right at all, we're going to abandon this scene before we go any further [we skip ahead again, and the trophy is sitting alone, watching local amateurs play a soccer match in a small town somewhere in South America] THE CIVIL CONFLICT TROPHY: Maybe I'll never find my truth. Maybe I'll never find love. Maybe I'm destined to roam the earth forever, without anyone wanting to hoist me above their head in the throes of moderate victory. [VOICE FROM BEHIND THEM]: Excuse me, is this seat taken? [the Civil Conflict Trophy turns] THE KEG OF NAILS: You look like you could use a friend. THE KEG OF NAILS: [winks] [romantic music swells as a bright smile crosses the face of the Civil Conflict Trophy] [credits roll] Postscript: The lovestruck trophies were seized by federal drug enforcement agents as they attempted to clear customs in the Miami International Airport. The Keg of Nails was found to be full of cocaine, part of a larger criminal syndicate masterminded by the Cincinnati Bearcat] Post-postscript: The Bearcat later died in a prison yard dispute. [...]
ALSO GOOD GOD ARKANSAS DO YOU NEED A WARM TOWEL AND A HUG
Penn State knocked off #2 Ohio State with a blocked field goal returned for a touchdown, so naturally we take 10 minutes to get to that game and talk about LSU-Ole Miss first because we're terrible at identifying meaningfulness.
Other points of digression include:
DOWNLOAD OR PLAY IN THE EMBEDDED PLAYER. SUBSCRIBE ON ITUNES OR THE PODCAST SERVICE OF YOUR CHOICE. TELL YOUR MOTHER TO PRESS PLAY EVEN IF SHE DOESN’T EVEN LISTEN. WE LIKE YOUR MOM, WE WON’T MAKE HER LISTEN TO THIS, WE’RE JUST ASKING FOR HER HELP.
GREAT JOB OHIO STATE YOU MADE JAMES FRANKLIN A THING