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Every Day Should Be Saturday



Updated: 2018-04-25T13:01:33-04:00

 



A NFL SCOUT GOES GROCERY SHOPPING

2018-04-25T13:01:33-04:00

A SHORT STORY ME: Wow, this is really kind of you to take time out of your day to go grocery shopping with me. I wasn’t sure how I was going to get it done, what with my car in the shop. You turn your back for three seconds, and your toddler’s stuffed the engine block with gummy bears. And on such a busy week for you! I know things are looking really busy for you, what with you being an unnamed NFL front office member, and this year’s draft coming up Thursday night. UNNAMED NFL FRONT OFFICE MEMBER: We’ve got a lot of things we’re considering right now. Anything is in play. ME: [looking at grocery list] Buddy, don’t I know it! It’s so hard to plan and cook healthy meals for a family with two working parents and small children. UNNAMED NFL FRONT OFFICE MEMBER: Planning is crucial. We’ve got a strategy that we’re confident in, and we’re confident we’re going to execute that strategy. ME: I was thinking tacos. UNNAMED NFL FRONT OFFICE MEMBER: That’s on our radar; we’re going to be assessing a dynamic range of options. ME: Hey, are you going to tell me your name? It’s getting unwieldy typing this character description each time. UNNAMED NFL FRONT OFFICE MEMBER: We’re going to play that one close to the vest. ME: I’m gonna call you Gary. GARY: It’s a good, solid name. Solid, workmanlike. Rhymes with a lot of things. You like to see that kind of schematic flexibility. Hairy. Wary. Marry. Dairy. ME: Right. And it’s shorter to type. GARY: Apothecary. ME: Fantastic. So, anyways, I was thinking maybe fish tacos with a black bean and mango salsa. [stares at produce racks with concern] I can never tell when a mango’s ripe, though. GARY: You’ve got to put it to the test. You want to make sure, no matter what it’s shown so far, it’s ready for what you need from it. ME: Well, I need it to be in a sals- GARY: [holding mango an inch from his face, screaming] YOUR FATHER WAS THE GREEN RIVER KILLER. MANGO: [does nothing, is a mango] GARY: Unflappable. I’d buy this right now. It’ll take anything you throw at it. ME: Terrific. Next, we need fish for the tacos. I was thinking something light - tilapia or cod. Want to keep it healthy; summer’s coming up fast! GARY: [glaring at fish case] We play on land. None of these fish have shown me anything on land. That’s a big red flag for me. Sure, you can swim, but what if I’m taking you out of water? You’d be completely out of your element. You’d be like a- ME: [chuckling] a fish out of water? GARY: That’s not the analogy I was going to make at all. ME: I see. GARY: You’re going to want an animal that’s proven it can thrive on land as well as water. What if suddenly Baltimore’s defensive front activates a Doomsday device that drains the world’s oceans? You’ve just wasted a draft pick. ME: I think we’d have larger concerns th- GARY: Here’s my choice. [puts live otter in cart] ME: What the hell - where did you get that? GARY: He’s gonna thrive in a variety of ecosystems. Land. Rivers. Streams. The AFC North. And he’s scrappy. Look at those claws. ME: You have a number of deep cuts on your arms. You’re bleeding quite a bit. GARY: Impressive dedication. Passion for the game. That’s a football-first animal there. ME: And you want me to put it into a fish taco. GARY: He’ll do what’s best for the team [screams at no one in particular] UNLIKE JOSH ROSEN. ME: He’s already escaped the cart and is biting other shoppers. GARY: You’re not going to hit on every pick, but you can’t let that change your strategy. ME: I’m just going to put some Mahi-mahi in the cart. GARY: That’s a lot of mahi. You gotta be concerned about the focus level there. We look for a fish to have one or fewer mahis. Our preference is none. ME: Alright, last thing on the list: beans. I’m thinking black beans. GARY: What about cannelini? ME: We’re not going down this road, Gary. Black beans. GARY: [holding can of beans] I’m not sure about these. Sure, they’re beans now, but you know what beans do? They grow. ME: Wel[...]



SHUTDOWN FULLCAST 8.14: THE MOCKEST DRAFT

2018-04-25T10:58:27-04:00

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DON’T EVER GIVE A MAN CONTROL OF THE JETS UNLESS YOU WANT HIM TO GO FULL JETS

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FULLCAST UP! A bit late, yes, but consider us the Mike Tice of podcasts in that we are big, lummoxy, and occasionally will miss our spot at the podium.

That’s okay because a.) You paid nothing for it, and b.) It’s actually really tight? Somehow? Maybe doing a mock draft helps, since everyone has a job to do in a very slim amount of time. We didn’t say they took the job seriously, though in Spencer’s case that job involved drafting for the New York Jets, so “seriously” might not be the word here.

Maybe it was having guest Harry Lyles, Jr. of SB Nation on, since he actually knows some NFL stuff? The rest of us just plotzed along and did what college football fans should do during the NFL Draft: Mocked the shit out of the whole process, suggested players who will likely never be successful in the league but are entertaining as hell nonetheless, and occasionally made terrible Andrew Luck imitations.

Maybe it’s because IT’S JUST INCREDIBLY GOOD. It’s definitely because it is incredibly good. SUBSCRIBE LISTEN ENJOY RECOMMEND TO CONFUSED FRIENDS.

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HALL OF DISCONTINUED MASCOTS: THE FIU SUNBLAZER

2018-04-24T15:35:08-04:00

THE GOLDEN GARY BUSEY OF MIAMI-DADE COUNTY The state of Florida is stocked with horrifying and/or curious retired mascots. This is too predictable, since the state is generally stocked with the curious and horrifying, but the point stands. FSU has the furry Cimarron, who for all we know has been sold to a Furry somewhere and used in ungodly, unclean ways. UCF has the Citronaut—an astronaut, but also a piece of fruit, but also still an astronaut. Even Sebastian the Ibis had an awkward adolescent period. Florida has only had Albert as a mascot. However, it’s been a struggle, and we should all admit that. THE SOCIAL ANXIETY GATOR SITTING ATOP A BIGGER ALLIGATOR The Citronaut’s spot atop the malformed Sunshine State Mascot Totem Pole of Horror can’t really be disputed. The number two slot might not be a matter of dispute either, especially because he—um, it—is having a renaissance. Behold: The Florida International University Sunblazer. SUNBLAZED, BRO The Sunblazer looks like semi-beloved actor Gary Busey if Busey were playing a dreadlocked surfing guru in a direct-to-DVD film If the creatures from Slither infected you, but in a cute way? A muppet with cancer of the mouth and jaw Big Bird if you ripped his beak off, and also gave him teeth because birds do not have teeth, do you hear us Louisville BIRDS DO NOT HAVE TEETH Us when we’re clean shaven and haven’t gotten a haircut in a while A Pokemon that was either left in the oven too long, or taken out before it was done. (It’s unclear exactly which.) The Sunblazer really shouldn’t act as the mascot, per se. He really should just hang out while heckling the official mascot, throwing popcorn around the stands, and serving as the daffy anti-hero to the official mascot. An unbridled, irrational, and sometimes baffling alternative to the normal concept we have of a mascot, a symbol of the university that says “yes” when others say “no”, especially when that “no” has been delivered in the name of common sense, safety, or the laws of the state. The Florida Man of mascots, if you will. (Especially since, for the moment, Sebastian has stopped getting arrested.) [...]



A LINEMAN CONSIDERS THE DEFENSIVE BACKFIELD

2018-04-23T10:43:46-04:00

ALSO: THE FASTBALL SPECIAL COULD HAVE BEEN REAL Skill players: “Yeah but I bet y’all couldn’t play our positions either!”Linemen: “Bet.” pic.twitter.com/Ziim8X4rmW— The Big Guy (@WeAreBigGuys) April 23, 2018 Yes that is our son. We have no idea how he was conceived, since he has different parents listed on his bio. But he is ours, right down to the beard and the shirt that doesn’t quite cover his belly at the top of an overhead press. This is a real concern and do not laugh at it. There are many long-torsoed men out there. We are legion, we buy shirts, and we do not like it when people say “Your torso is long because you are fat.” These legs have been short forever, and there are tons of pictures of husky jeans and 30 length khakis out there to prove it. Please do not call us “short-legged”. That is an epithet and harmful language, and we are trying to raise awareness around its hurtful history. Do not share pictures of us on horses or motorcycles, either, it’s just insulting EVEN IF IT DOES LOOK REALLY FUNNY, OKAY. Eli Johnson is an offensive lineman who weighs 300 pounds. He should be able to lift a lot on shoulder press relative to the normal human. However, lifting 200 for sets is stout as hell, particularly because the shoulder press is...for lack of a better word, a weird lift? It’s one that is important, but also not super-emphasized in some strength and conditioning programs. You see most overhead stuff is olympic lifting now, which gives S ‘n C people more bang for their buck because it emphasizes bar speed and explosiveness while also working a ton of muscle. Overhead press is still some brute strength business because it starts resting heavy and mean on the chest, and requires the lifter to heave up using the shoulders and arms only. FYI: The overhead press used to be a competition lift, but was removed for a few reasons, not the least of which being that lifters started to lean back to push bigger and bigger numbers. This got the pecs involved, and thus more muscles, which equalled bigger totals. However, it also involved turning the spine into a free floating weight bench for a standing incline bench. This is hard to explain without visuals, but TL;DR: Look here, and see dudes at risk of snapping themselves in half for an extra five or ten pounds on their total. Competitive weightlifters are not sane! He’s pushing a burly 200 pounds there for a set of four, which is indeed burly as hell. We’re not just saying that because we tried it yesterday for a single rep and failed. It’s just a strong as hell effort there, just like all our large adult sons currently going through spring practices and workouts are. He earned some lean protein served in shovel-sized increments, and earned it honestly. For the record, our max is 190 for one, but we are old, and he is 300 pounds and young. Ole Miss has the Werksan weights, the most beautiful of all weight room choices to make, but they also go a step further towards the hardcore by using the kilo plates. What they lose in making everyone convert to pounds all the time, they gain in weightlifting cool. Note how Eli is a total pro and brings the bar down to kiss the beard on each rep, showing that beards serve an actual utility for the lifter as both teaching point and as cushion. A veteran move from a youngster. We see you, son. [...]



SHUTDOWN FULLCAST 8.13: THIS IS NOT FREE LEGAL ADVICE

2018-04-17T16:30:20-04:00

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NO ONE ON THIS PODCAST IS A PRACTICING ATTORNEY AND ALL LEGAL OPINIONS ARE ILLEGAL ONES, ACTUALLY

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How can you secede from your HOA? What coach is best suited to represent himself? How do you safely and responsibly turn in the pygmy hippo you bought online not realizing that it would still grow to 500 pounds? Where will Spencer get his newest Michigan tattoo? Why is the NCAA? These pressing legal matters are well, no, not answered, but generally talked about and around on this LEGAL EAGLES episode of the Shutdown Fullcast, which is NOT brought to you by Cheez-It. Cheez-It: They Think You Look Fat In That Shirt.

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