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Every Day Should Be Saturday

Updated: 2017-05-26T15:17:38-04:00




MICHIGAN OVER ALL AS USUAL, BUT TEXAS STORMS THROUGH LOUD AS HELL ANYWAY Reminder: Donate to the 2017 EDSBS Charity Bowl HERE. UPDATE: YES IT’S LATE BUT WE WERE BUSY. First, please enjoy your Memorial Day weekend. It’s a special holiday, even if it is one we honestly just remembered was happening, so pay quiet tribute to the Nile Kinnicks and Pat Tillmans of the world while you’re celebrating. (Which we’ll be doing by taking care of our kids, who don’t have school on Monday! Parenting, the adventure that requires planning, a skill we do not and will never have!) Standings as of Friday morning: The total was $33,229.96 for the week, which is astonishing given this being a slow week in almost everyone’s lives, and also that this year’s fundraiser happened in two stages. You are all beautiful people with perfect asses and credit to match. Thank you, thank you, thank you The big donor was our Texan who likes to come in Texas it up by throwing down TWO THOUSAND SEVEN HUNDRED AND TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS IN A SINGLE SHOT. Thank you, Richard Texan, for being generous, and also for being SUPER Texan about it. Hook ‘em from the bottom of our brisket-choked hearts. Second place is Georgia Tech, which did astonishing work this year at least making the Michigan Money Cannon fire more than a few times. We never meant to neglect you, second alma mater: It was clearly an error, and we cannot forget that in the future. You’re just quiet, and engineer-like sometimes, what with being secure, busy, and well-employed. Texas State also dropped a large one-time donation, so remember that the Longhorns don’t have a monopoly on hootin’ and hollerin’ in a charitable fashion. Gracias para todos, San Marcos. The rest is all pleasing and incredible and great, particularly the strong showing from relative newcomers like Ohio State, Clemson, and Alabama. It’s a Land Grant free-for all in the top ten, proving that the larger the university’s square footage, the larger the hearts. Thank you thank you thank you BAMA AND CLEMSON CAME THROUGH HARD YOU’RE STILL HYPE FROM THE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME THAT’S NICE DEPAUL THANK YOU ALL-BLACKS SUP TULANE Reminder: The Charity Drive will carry through the weekend. We are off until Tuesday, when we will announce a winner and several other awards. We will also begin speculating what foolishness we will do to thank you for your generosity. It’ll have to be different than last year, since there are only so many Michigan-themed anime tattoos one man can put on his body. That’s a rule, even if we just made it up, because it certainly sounds like a truth universally known to all men who have to get anime-themed Michigan tattoos for charity. In conclusion: DONATE DONATE DONATE DONATE DONATE DONATE DONATE DONATE DONATE. [...]



OR, “MACTION’S ELEVEN”, I DON’T CARE, WHICHEVER YOU LIKE BETTER [a news bulletin plays] NEWS ANCHOR: ... and in lighter news, the University of Akron’s mascot, Zippy the Kangaroo, is still missing. [chuckle] Looks like the police better *hop* to his assistance! Have a great night. [remote control flies against wall above TV, shatters] VOICE IN DARKNESS: They think we’re all some big joke, and they can’t even bother to know that, canonically, Zippy is female. Those bastards never cared about us. We’re going to have to do this ourselves. [picks up phone] Hey. It’s me. We’ve gotta get the crew together. We’re gonna get her back. [later, in an undisclosed location that’s definitely not just a hotel ballroom in Akron] FLASH, THE KENT STATE GOLDEN FLASH: Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve called you here because our friend, our colleague, our sister Zippy is missing, and the police aren’t doing a damned thing about it. CHARLIE, THE BALL STATE CARDINAL: Wait, I thought you guys hated each other. Isn’t she your arch-rival? FLASH: That’s nonsense. Sure, we hate each other on any given Saturday. Well, we don’t play a lot of Saturday games actually. It’s more like any given Tuesday night. I think we play a Monday brunch game this fall. But my point is, that’s competition. Inside the lines, sure, we hate each other. She’s one of us, though, and we don’t turn our backs on our own when they’re in danger. THE BOWLING GREEN FALCON: Are we sure she didn’t just run away? FLASH [punching wall]: DAMMIT FALCON, don’t you think we considered that before calling you in here? We’ve already checked everywhere. Myrtle Beach, Epcot, Cancun. No one from Akron has ever vacationed anywhere else. She wouldn’t just disappear like this. VICTOR E. BULL, THE MASCOT OF THE STATE UNIVERSITY OF NEW YORK AT BUFFALO: This is a bunch of bull. [the others stare at him, annoyed] VICTOR: Alright, well, that’s all I had to add. I’m gonna take off. BUSTER, THE WESTERN MICHIGAN BRONCO: What if - what if she’s actually still around - and *we’re* the ones who disappeared? [coughing] RUFUS, THE OHIO BOBCAT: OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE! “Akron’s mascot” is just an anagram for “Macron’s Ascot”! It’s an elite globalist conspiracy! CHARLIE CARDINAL: Well, not quite, Macron’s spelled with a “C”, you even kinda said it that way. It’s close, I’ll give you that, but- RUFUS: ARE YOU PART OF THIS, YOU ILLUMINATI SCUM? YOU BLACK-HELICOPTER GOONS HAVE DONE ENOUGH ALREADY, HAVEN’T YOU? CHARLIE: I took a helicopter ride in Las Vegas once, but I got sick. We had to miss Celine Dion. I think it might have been bad flan at the buffet. ROCKY THE TOLEDO ROCKET GUY OR WHATEVER: We don’t know everything about her background. She lived in Akron. Well-connected to the rubber industry. Originally from Australia, presumably. But maybe she had a hidden life we weren’t aware of. Unsavory affiliations. People have secrets. We all do. CHARLIE: Do you? ROCKY: Uh... no. ROCKY: Nothing at all. THE CENTRAL MICHIGAN CHI- ah, hoo, boy, this is a problematic mascot, not sure I want this post to go down that road, uh, wait - hold on a second, I think I have an idea THE CENTRAL MICHIGAN CHiPs: We’ll fan out and check the highways. If our girl’s out there, we’ll find her. [flashes winning smile] Fire up, CHiPs! [they rev their motorcyles and peel out] CHARLIE CARDINAL: Oh, that’s a nice compromise. BUSTER BRONCO: Way less problematic. THE FALCON: An elegant and fun way to make the necessary transition away from a Native American team name. ROCKY ROCKET: It’s cool and doesn’t feel forced at all, or sound like a crappy minor league baseball team. SWOOP, THE MIAMI OF OHIO REDHAWK: I hate you guys. SWOOP, THE EASTERN MICHIGAN EAGLE: hey your name is Swoop my name is Swoop do you want to be friends, Swoop SWOOP, THE RE[...]



ALSO DON’T FIGHT KYLE WHITTINGHAM The 2017 EDSBS Charity Bowl is this week. The primer for it is here; the DONATE DONATE DONATE page is here. FIRST: Next week's Fullcast will feature questions from HIGH ROLLERS ONLY. If you want to be part of this exclusive VIP upper crust society: 1. Donate at least $100 in the Charity Bowl (donations from earlier this week count) 2. Send Ryan ( your receipt 3. Ryan will send you the number to the HIGH ROLLER HOTLINE 4. You call and leave us a message, and we will address it on next week's episode. Yes, you can ask anything you like, as long as you donate at least $100. Do you want us to talk about Georgia Southern humiliating Florida by beating them at home? A hundred dollars will get you there. As long as the topic can’t get us sued or arrested, we will address it. SECOND: Y’all have no chill whatsoever. Oh, this is just going to be a casual, slow-rollout kind of fundraiser. No biggie, just bring a bottle of wine. We’ll be in bed early, just some midweek fundraising hangout type shit. You seem incapable of throwing anything but a rager, Commentariat. As of Thursday morning, the EDSBS Charity Bowl 2017 has raised $21,385.08 for New American Pathways. Michigan is of course in the lead because that’s what they do, but: LOOK AT GEORGIA. All we needed was some hefty participation from Georgia Tech, and the Bulldogs rolled up to the party straight from the golf course with a 24 pack of Bud Light and the checkbook open. Woof woof, etc. Got some strong work from Alabama, Texas, and several other major public institutions in the Feral Hog Belt. BALLOON HUNTING IS LEGAL NOW. TASTE DEATH FROM ABOVE, PORCINE INVADERS. Somewhere the Montgolfier brothers are floating through the afterlife, satisfied that someone finally realized the noblest, best possible use of their creation. LOOK AT YOU, UGA AHOY, KENNESAW STATE VONTAZE BURFICT’S SCHOOL OF INTIMIDATION IS A LEGITIMATE TRADE SCHOOL Let’s keep this torrid pace up and make sure to continue turning this fundraiser into the Wednesday night happy hour that got wildly out of hand. DONATE DONATE DONATE DONATE DONATE DONATE DONATE DONATE DONATE DONATE. Oh, and THIRD: since it came up on Twitter last night, the comprehensive list of people we would not ever want to fight in any situation starts with Kyle Whittingham. He’s a former BYU linebacker who has not missed a day of workouts ever even when he was deathly ill. The “BYU Linebacker” part lets you know he’ll punch you in the nuts, and knows what it’s like to be an unpaid 24 year old athlete with two kids; the “never missing a workout” part lets you know that even if he loses, he’ll be back the next day for the rematch; The “head coach” part confirms your worst suspicions that he not only has tape of his loss, but that he spent several hours breaking it down in order to enter the rematch with a better gameplan. That said, assistant strength coach Anthony Schlegel of Ohio State is riiiiiight there. Tweet is relevant to recent events! He also use to hog hunt with nothing but a big knife and his dog. He's at the top of my list— Matt Galatzan (@MattGalatzan) May 25, 2017 It should be considered no mere coincidence: We start the EDSBS Charity Bowl, and instantly Michigan’s head coach helps to bring new life into this world. Please note: Tactical khakis on, because they’re pants you can wear to the farm AND the football field. (Yes, Jim Harbaugh might have just done this to insure a steady supply of milk for himself because he is that devoted to dairy.) The standings after one day for the EDSBS Charity Bowl are as follows. (If you’re a monthly donor, then you’re already counted here, btw.) YES IT’S MICHIGAN AGAIN BUT I MEAN THAT’S A DIVERSE DONOR BASE RIGHT THERE You have to like Case Western and “Ireland Rugby” sneaking in t[...]





The season gets busy. You miss things just out of the inability to keep up with the sheer volume of things happening at once. For instance, it’s May 2017, and we’re just now realizing that the second most-prolific passer in terms of total yardage was...Ryan Higgins? Of Louisiana Tech, who plays for Skip Holtz? Who threw for 4,617 yards with 41 TDs and 8 INTs, proving that in any year, there is always a Conference-USA quarterback you could not pick out of a lineup throwing for NCAA 2014 numbers?

You miss those things, is the point. You also sometimes miss the little moments of beauty, of fans touching their communities, and those communities touching the game, and the game being made just a bit warmer, more human, and all the more special through that cycle of appreciation, togetherness, and gratitude.

What do we mean by that? We’re not sure. Like, we have no clue whatsoever, man. It sounds good, though. Anyway, here’s something we missed in 2016 that isn’t one of those things, but is magical nonetheless.

(image) via @vapeologylounge on Twitter dot com

Oh you bet there was a sale on Buckeye Tears after Penn State beat the Buckeyes 24-21, though how you can sell anything with that name and not be raided by the FDA immediately is beyond us. CAN VAPING GET YOU GAINS? LET’S FIND OUT. Also there’s a Joe Paterno-themed one in there, answering the question you may have never asked but now know the answer to: “Can vape juice be problematic?” (Yes, dear god yes it can.)




YOU’RE DOING IT AGAIN? KINDA, WE’LL EXPLAIN AHOY. It’s time for the EDSBS Charity Bowl again. You have questions about our annual fundraiser, which this year is happening twice for reasons we need to explain? That’s great. We have answers. Didn’t we just do this? Well, kinda, but there’s a reason for the season in both directions. The initial fundraiser this year was immediate, fast, and held in response to policy changes that would have directly impacted the work that New American Pathways does with refugees in the Clarkston, Georgia area. That was a stimulus; immediately opening the floodgates of the fundraiser was our response. So why do it again? Well, a.) because we always do it around this time of year and traditions are great, and b.) because the need is always there. This is especially true in a year when the federal government tried to shut down the refugee program completely, then backtracked, and now is kind of back up and running again, albeit slowly. YEAH SO what is happening right now with that? After the executive order on immigration stopped the refugee program completely, the U.S. government has now quietly and slowly restarted the admissions process. That’s good news! The bad news is that things are still uncertain, and the funding gap for New American Pathways sits at about $200K for the year 2017. What does this money go towards? So glad you asked. The funds from the EDSBS Charity Drive go towards programs like the following. Resettlement for new arrivals, or literally helping to buy the stuff welcoming people to the land of the free and home of the brave English at Home, a program to send volunteers directly into new arrivals’ homes to learn English at a pace and time better for their families Vocational Counseling that helps highly skilled refugees to find mentors, training and certification and higher education so they may work in fields like medicine, graphic design and more) The Young Women’s Leadership Program The Parents as Teachers program Civic Engagement, which works with new Americans to help them become registered to vote, educated about voting, and actively engaged in their democracy through meeting elected officials. All that good stuff and more falls under the general umbrella of what you’ll be funding with a donation to New American Pathways. What’s your fundraising goal? Modest, given that we already did one of these on the fly this year. We’re asking because this often involves you doing something stupid to yourself in the name of charity. Yes, I know. I’ll think of something. There’s a Totoro with a block M on our right shoulder because of this fundraiser. So still donating in the name of specific teams, yes? Yes. DONATE HERE. If you like, make the donation in the form of a score, preferably one that reflects your team delivering a humiliating defeat to a rival. Since we are Florida Gators, the starting donation for this week from us is a small but significant one from the 2016 season. NO DONATION, NO MATTER HOW SMALL, COMES UP SHORT AT THE GOAL LINE We could have also gone $23.14 to reflect how LSU had 23 first downs, Florida only had 14, and yet somehow still won this football game, but that seemed a bit obscure and cruel. Normally we love obscure and cruel, but this is an exercise in charity. We kept it simple and cruel in the name of kindness. (How’d you lose that game, LSU? HOW?) The minimum is ten bucks. If that’s what you can do, great. If you can do more, well that’s great, too. Keeping scores, yes? Yes, just quantify just how much money Michigan fans can discharge from the money cannon in a calendar year. At this point this fundraiser is a satellite camp, so if you can y’all get Harbaugh to chip in like a grand. He’s got the money, hit him up for it and engage a new level of humblebragging for the Michigan Man brand. We’ll update as we go, as we usually do, especially since we[...]