CHAMPIONSHIP WEEKEND, THE PLAYOFF, AND OUR FUTURE SENATOR FROM WV
The Playoff has been settled upon and it's fine. It's all fine. We mostly ignore that in favor of picking our own Playoff Of Teams You Don't Want To Face, including USC, LSU, Florida State, and, yes, Pitt.
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2016-12-05T09:24:19-05:00IN SHORT, THEY’RE BAD AT TRUST FALLS; GOOD AT FOOTBALL when you pull all nighters for your finals but still fail pic.twitter.com/4IjaCSm74U— lisa (@lisanicoole) December 4, 2016 Western Kentucky, I imagine you thought this was a cute and harmless social media gesture. Take your Red Grimace-with-a-Glasgow-smile mascot, humanize it a bit, move on to the next tweet about how prospective students can make their writing samples stand out. But words matter, WKU, and I’m talking about one in particular: birthday. There are two general ways we use this word, depending on if it’s referencing something living or non-living. For a non-living thing, we all understand it to be a casual replacement for anniversary; nobody’s confused into thinking Costco or the iPod or Batman Returns were physically birthed into the world. A living thing’s birthday — and I’ll allow that, though we usually only use the term for humans, it’s linguistically permissible for other animal life — is just that: the date of its birth. What usually precedes birth? Fertilization of an egg by sperm. And what are animals equipped with to facilitate that fertilization? GENITALS. (Don’t even start with your asexual reproduction argument. Were that the case, we’d have been overrun by Big Reds long ago. You’re welcome to prove me wrong by chopping off one of its arms and seeing if it spontaneously regenerates into a second Big Red.) Might be a cloaca. Might be a papilla. Might be something else science hasn’t ever seen before. But if Big Red was born, that means Big Red had two parents, and those parents sexually reproduced. With their genitals. And sure, WKU, this applies to basically every other costumed mascot. Pistol Pete’s got genitals. Same with the HokieBird and Hairy Dawg. You will note that my favorite school employs a mascot that definitely does NOT have sex organs, and is therefore safe for children. (NOTE: Ok, fine, #botanytwitter informs me that the Tree has sex organs, but they’re the kind we decorate and put in bowls with potpourri. The point stands.) Bob Stanton-USA TODAY Sports So why am I giving you grief while admitting that, yes, Purdue Pete conceptually has a penis and it’s horrible and now your whole weekend is ruined because of this knowledge? Because it didn’t have to be this way, Western. You could have celebrated the day Big Red was created, a word which allows us to assume you’re talking about costume design. You could have said Big Red came here from another planet, arguably excluding it from our biological rubric. You could have said this was the anniversary of the day you pulled Big Red from the smoldering wreckage of a boat carrying nuclear waste and Jujubes. But you didn’t. And know we all have to live with the knowledge that this... Photo by Stephen Dunn/Getty Images ...has genitals. [...]
2016-12-02T13:05:33-05:00LIFE IS REALLY BROAD, YOU SHOULD EXPLORE IT Have you changed the air filters in your house? It’s probably been a while, and you should change those because they are filthy. Air filters always win, because even if you think they don’t look THAT dirty, well...they do have dirt on them, yes? And you don’t want your children breathing dirt, you filth-mongering horrible parent, would you? The answer to whether an air filter needs to be changes is always yes. You should probably never stop replacing them, ever. You could replace them all afternoon, like, from four p.m. Eastern time to 8 p.m., give or take a few minutes in either direction. Considered a four hour bike ride? Biking is low-impact, great for the environment, and a great way to get to know your city and community. Just the wind through your hair and the sun on your face, free and unaware of the world’s troubles, or even the result of a football game! Bonus: you’ll work up quite an appetite, and can indulge it because you burned the calories. Try some sprints to keep it interesting. When was the last time you watched Lawrence of Arabia? Sure, it’s almost four hours, but sometimes you have to stretch your eyes to see a canvas as big as the one David Lean paints here. Fun thing you might have forgotten: Having hired Omar Sharif for one role, they got Alec Guinness to play brownface because there was literally only one Arab actor in the world at that time, according to Hollywood. You can start it at four, and be done just in time for dinner and the Big Ten Championship game, but only after mouthing along with a beautiful young Peter O’Toole: “I LIKED IT.” Read an Elmore Leonard novel. You’ll have to hustle a little, but no reason you can’t polish off most of a breezy classic like Maximum Bob in an afternoon. Yard stuff. Something’s wrong with your yard. Make up something wrong with your yard. Before you say all the plants are in the right place, ask yourself the question: is there ever a totally right place for a plant? They could be anywhere, that’s why they’re plants, they just go anywhere, they’re stupid and take orders. Just start digging and leave it when you’re tired of it, say, around the four hour mark. If someone asks, blame the dog. If you don’t have a dog and they point this out, blame their dog. Go make new friends to replace the ones you lost from slandering their dog, you didn’t need those friends anyway. Never fix this, say this is the way a yard’s supposed to look because it has to reflect the violence of nature and negligence of man at the same time. Pick a spot two hours outside of your city and drive to it. It’s amazing how fast you can get in the middle of nowhere if you try. Bring a friend and discuss life with them, and lie to them about how great yours is, and see if they do the same. By the end of two hours, you’ll both feel better about yourselves, in addition to passing by at least one factory you didn’t know about and seeing a bunch of scary Christian Fundamentalist billboards. “HELL IS REAL, PLEASE STOP AT EXIT 58.” Take a nap. Four hours is really a stretch for a nap. It’s really just “falling asleep”. But can you sleep four hours in the middle of the day without binge-drinking at ten a.m. and letting nature take its course? There’s only one way to find out. Volunteer to be the one who doesn’t stay sober in a test of this theory, get drunk at 10 a.m., and then sleep it off for a few hours in the afternoon. When you wake up you will not even know what century it is, or what football is. Run to the nearest window and go directly through it to freedom! Do not stop running until you feel safe again or until you reach a Panera. You live at the Panera now; when loved ones visit you, recommend the soup and salad special, and remind them that the WiFi is free. Play a full-length game of the video game football franchise of your choice. Really, simulate the whole thing. Set the clock for 60 minutes. Time out commercial[...]
2016-11-30T18:01:58-05:00IN 2016, THE MOST PERFECT CRIMES ARE ANALOG A man swiped a bucket full of gold off a truck in New York today and walked away with it. We had to talk about it. src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/A9aDSRufG7g?wmode=transparent&rel=0&autohide=1&showinfo=0&enablejsapi=1" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="" style="top: 0px; left: 0px; width: 100%; height: 100%; position: absolute;"> S: First of all I don’t live in New York so I have to ask: do you usually leave gold in buckets unattended on the street? R: Unattended, no, but gold buckets are the most common way of paying rent because who the fuck uses checks in 2016? Honestly, I’m not even sure this is a crime, given that New York operates under the unspoken assumption that anything that is left 1. outdoors2. not chained to something is freely available to whoever takes it. There is one, and only one, deterrent we use to try and curb theft, and that deterrent is the constant thread of getting bedbugs. What I’m saying is this man has $1.6 million with which to buy a new mattress. S: Second, if that’s eighty-plus pounds? He can’t be more than 165. This man is hauling with half his bodyweight down the street at least. He works out. I need to know his plan. What celebrity workout he used. What supplements he took. How far he ran with it, and how I can get to this fitness pinnacle by following this easy, twice-daily workout that will only take up three and a half hours of my day. It was probably the American Sniper workout but I still need to know. R: Alternatively, imagine when he woke up this morning and his lower back was just killlllling him. He’s wincing and groaning and his significant other is all “hey, what happened?” But he’s just “oh you know I, uh, sneezed funny while I was reaching for something on the top shelf at the grocery store. IT’S NOTHING DON’T LOOK IN THE HALL CLOSET.” S: Third: how far did he take it? I bet he put it down and took a rest and no one even thought twice about it. Might have pulled up in a Duane Reade for some aspirin and a few bunion pads. If he took it on the subway—wait, he totally took it down to the subway, right? R: You know he did. I saw a dude bring a door on the subway last week. A fucking door. Does this bucket have the word “Gold” stamped on it? Because based on the video, this guy doesn’t open it to see what’s inside, and I certainly don’t walk by a paint bucket and think “ooo baby I bet that’s full of valuables and not paint.” R: I have one final question. If you were in the exact same situation as this man, would you have grabbed that bucket and hauled ass? S: Hell yes and twice on Saturdays. Not because it was wrong or right, but a lifetime of video games have conditioned me to grab gold coins as a reflex, not as a plan. This is also internet evidence that before I ever commited this crime, I was already detailing a personal affliction caused by overconsumption of digital entertainment, and thus could not be blamed for my actions. “The Sonic the Hedgehog Defense” is real. I will be taking it to its limits WHEN I COMMIT A CRIME I COULD NOT HAVE POSSIBLY NOT COMMITTED GIVEN MY UPBRINGING AND CONDITION. R: Oh, an important update from the authorities. S: Looks like Florida State just found their newest booster. [...]
LARRY CULPEPPER LIVES WITH YOU NOW
Football season's almost done and you're still listening to this terrible podcast, which says something about mankind's collective inability to change for the better. But since you're here, we:
- Imagined the Playoff that has 3 Big 10 teams but Bama still winning
- Let Spencer go way, way out on a Pac 12 limb that will almost certainly collapse
- Figured out the fan base happiest to be done with 2016
- Identified the best part of the SEC Championship Game
- Picked the worst coach Florida realistically hires if McElwain leaves for Oregon
- Found out from Jason in real time that the Oregon job was open, making that McElwain replacement discussion so so so real
Listen in the player/subscribe through most podcast services/rate us on iTunes/call your parents they want to know how you’re doing.
2016-11-29T16:25:54-05:00A LETTER FROM SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN THERE Entering 2016, Oregon had made a bowl eleven consecutive times and won at least nine regular season games for eight straight years. Michigan State’s bowl streak was at nine, and the Spartans had ten regular season wins in five of their last six seasons. Last weekend, both teams finished with their fewest wins in a season since 1991. Say, I remember another year where a typically successful school blew a tire and swerved directly into a ditch full of discarded needles and fireworks! So let’s talk about what happens next. I’m going to help you process this and come out the other side ready to face the 2017 season in a healthy way. (Notre Dame, this letter is not addressed to you because you have a .591 winning percentage over the last decade. I’m not about to pretend like 4-8 is that shocking when every coach you’ve had since Dan Devine has had at least one losing season.) 1. Nobody else cares why this happened. You’ve calculated exactly how many games your team lost to injury. You’ve noted that if they’d only made X many more stops on third down or converted these Y red zone possessions into touchdowns instead of field goals, they’d be 7-5 and merely disappointing instead of shockingly disappointing. A few specific recruiting misses in year Z came to unpleasant fruition. Make no mistake, these are not excuses. They’re valid, thoughtful reasons that explain a short-term disaster. If we were talking about the meltdown of a nuclear power plant, your search for answers would be in the public interest. Unfortunately, those of us who aren’t Oregon or Michigan State fans watched the radiation meters spike this year, and we either laughed or stood gaping in confusion or both. Florida lost 178* players to injury in 2013. The only numbers anybody else cares about are 4 wins, 8 losses.*estimated 2. Don’t point to past achievements as a counterpoint. That’s right, you are two of the only seven teams to ever make the nascient College Football Playoff! Michigan hasn’t done that! None of the other Pac 12 schools have, either! Don’t they appreciate the accomplishments you’ve racked up in recent years? Don’t those insulate you from this criticism and mockery?? No, stupid. Illinois went 3-9 this season and Duke went 4-8. Nobody’s giving them shit because those programs haven’t done enough recently to justify significantly loftier expectations. Duke and Illinois tripped this year. You fell off the roof, and that roof was high because of all the good things you’ve done in the past. Nothing’s sadder than leaning on your history to ignore your present. Tennessee lays a claim to 13 SEC titles. 11 of those took place before Sonic The Hedgehog was released. Once you start down this road, you start having to wrestle with things like “Pitt has more national titles than Ohio State.” You don’t want to do that, do you? (Ok, you might want to do that, but only at Ohio State’s expense.) 3. Think of the future - both your own and that of those you hate. College football is a torture device that moves in a circle. Few teams stay attached to it for a long time, and everyone else is just trying to delay their turn. Let’s go back to the end of 2008. Texas was a powerhouse that always had reliable quarterbacks. Florida had the championship formula perfected. USC was lapping the rest of the Pac 12. Texas Tech was one win from playing for a national title. Boston College made the ACC Championship. Washington went 0-12. Michigan went 3-9. Louisville went 5-7, including a 49 point loss to Rutgers. Clemson fired a coach halfway through the season and barely made a bowl game. Auburn missed a bowl game for the first time in nine years. So yeah, Oregon and Michigan State. 2016 tipped over the porta-potty while you were inside. And I can’t promise you, or Florida, for that matter, are ever going to get back to the[...]
2016-11-28T13:23:24-05:00A REASONED AND RATIONAL DISCOURSE AT THE WORKPLACE ON MONDAY KENTUCKY FAN: Wayllll look who it is, I wasn't even sure you were gonna show your face this mornin'. HOW ABOUT THEM CAYUTS, loser! LOUISVILLE FAN: Yeah, congratulations on being stuck with Stoops another year, jerk. I guess if I hadn't seen seven wins in a decade I'd be celebrating too. You gonna get a Music City Bowl Participant shirt to go with your closet full of "34-0" shirts? Gotta make sure you have something nice to wear to your cousin's wedding. Especially since you're the groom and all. KENTUCKY FAN: You know what, maybe I will get one. I can use it to patch up my car window after the next time I have to park in Louisville. LOUISVILLE FAN: Farm equipment show ain't until February, sure you can keep your wife from eating it before then? Goats are trouble like that. Hey, hand me that tool, would ya? KENTUCKY FAN: Maybe you can introduce me to someone new. Y'all got- LOUISVILLE FAN: Don't do it. KENTUCKY FAN: - the number for - LOUISVILLE FAN: Don't do it. KENTUCKY FAN: Y'ALL GOT THE NUMBER FOR KATINA LOUISVILLE FAN: HERE WE GO. One assistant coach pulls some shit, and suddenly I'm hearin' it from a Cats fan, when Calipari basically invented cheating, and- KENTUCKY FAN: Pitino sure perfected it, though. I ain't seen a Card finish that fast since your postseason hopes last year. And heck, Petrino's perfecting his technique, too. Last time he crashed this hard, he had a volleyball trainer and landed in a ditch. This year it's just Wake Forest's playbook and the Russell Athletic Bowl. Pick me up some shorts while you're down there, wouldja? LOUISVILLE FAN: I don't think they make jorts. Anyways, y'all are in trouble next year, 'cause Lamar Jackson's comin' back and he knows the playbook better than ever. KENTUCKY FAN: Oh yeah, hell of a playbook, too. Run it up against soft-ass ACC teams and crumble against the dang Big East. Y'all wouldn't win half your games in the SEC. LOUISVILLE FAN: This crap again. Beat Missouri, Mississippi State, Vanderbilt and South Carolina and suddenly you think you're Alabama. Hey, you know who we do know how to beat? FLORIDA. KENTUCKY FAN: Y'all beat Will Muschamp Florida, that ain't mean shit. LOUISVILLE FAN: You still lost to them! Hey, move the flashlight a little higher. KENTUCKY FAN: SEC schedule is a grind. Wouldn't win two games if y'all had to play it. LOUISVILLE FAN: You see the Florida State game, pal? You see us runnin' it up on them? You ain't beat nobody like that. Lamar mighta won the Heisman in that game alone. Last time y'all had a big name win that big, it was Jared Lorenzen avoiding a copyright infringement suit. KENTUCKY FAN: Y'all watch your mouth when you talk 'bout the Lefty. LOUISVILLE FAN: Biggest success a Kentucky quarterback's had in my lifetime's getting drafted by the Cleveland Browns. Hell of a story, though. First couch to make it out of Lexington without bedbugs in a generation. KENTUCKY FAN: Hey, man, the NFL draft is a crapshoot, you never know how someone's gonna pan out. Can you believe people thought Teddy Bridgewater was going to be too injury-prone to succeed in the NFL? LOUISVILLE FAN: you son of a bitch Teddy is a sai- [lights flood on] LOUISVILLE FAN: SHIT THEY'RE BACK, RUN INDIANA FAN: OH DAMMIT THEY'RE STEALING THE COPPER OUT OF OUR WALLS AGAIN, CALL THE COPS KENTUCKY FAN [climbing out window, falling two stories to thornbushes below]: TOM CREAN KISSES HIS SON ON THE MOUTH LOUISVILLE FAN: [stuck in chimney] IT'S TRUE [...]