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Every Day Should Be Saturday

Updated: 2017-10-19T11:12:48-04:00




SPOILER: IT’S ALWAYS BEEN DEAD, AND THEREFORE CANNOT DIE src="" style="border: 0; width: 100%; height: 200px;" allowfullscreen="" scrolling="no"> Happy Memphis—Houston Day! The Brisket-Pulled Pork Rivalry continues, or begins. We’re unsure about the continuation or beginning because we just made that up. It feels so right, though: if two cities were ever just compatible enough to make a weird but lasting friendship, it’s Memphis and Houston. To begin with, they share so much in common. Both cities periodically get flooded and rely on a steady diet of the richest food on the planet. They both produce some of the best episodes of The First 48, are hotter and more humid than a hippo’s mouth, and are both legendary hip-hop factories. Both have college football programs with erratic histories. Both are the kind of cities where, at any point in the city, there might just be a dog confidently running around for no reason. (A friendly dog, in all likelihood, but still.) That should be a delightful game tonight, especially if you like watching Memphis run a zillion plays and Riley Ferguson airing it out to multiple targets. Those multiple targets including a tight end named Joey Magnifico, who might be The Most Memphis Football Player of all time because: not a giant defensive tackle, but at least a big ol’ tight end sounds like a wrestler AN HARD-GRINDIN’ UNDERDOG JUST LIKE THE REST OF THE CITY BABY and by that we mean he had to walk on due to some lackluster grades in high school John Daly lived in his hometown of Cordova, Tennessee for a while has “MAGNIFICO” tattooed on the inside of his right arm in theory could wrestle under the name “THE CORDOVA CRIPPLER” or yanno, just “JOEY MAGNIFICO.” his finishing move has to be The Rib Smoker or The Cracker Barrel. both, let’s just go with both And that’s just one thing we discuss on this week’s preview Fullcast, a very special episode for a lot of reasons. Jason’s audio completely crumbles to pieces for real this time, and he has to pull a Mack Brown and leave; by request, Spencer insults Nebraska for a solid three minutes, 57 minutes less than Ohio State took to fully insult them last week; Ryan mentions UVA twice, for some reason. It’s crap, and it’s really good, is what we’re saying, even if Ryan and Spencer are very basic with their improv techniques. That’s fine, if that weren’t true we’d probably have to both admit to taking improv classes, which would be beyond embarrassing. Subscribe to Shutdown Fullcast, the world’s only college football podcast, on iTunes, Spotify, and wherever else. Leave a rating and review, and follow us on Twitter to get your hottest takes discussed on the show. [...]



THAT’S NAVY’S QB, NOT HEAD COACH SCOTT FROST, GET IT RIGHT Who is that under center?— Gerrod Lambrecht (@GerrodLambrecht) October 17, 2017 YOU MOTHERFUCKER. First of all - and I feel like it’s important that Bill knows this - dogs have knees. Second of all - my dog, the real Holly - is scared of everything and fears change, so yeah, I see why he’d admire her politics, but she can’t vote. THIRDLY, if that’s anyone other than Queen Elizabeth, you’re stealing my bit! [fumes] Fine, you know what? You steal my schtick, I’m stealing yours. No, no - not being a boorish, vile excuse for a human being who spews hateful filth on television. I’m not looking for a Fox Sports 1 show here. No, I mean O’Reilly’s other schtick, writing a series of half-assed Airport Dad Books, loosely strung together by titling them all “Killing _____”. Let’s begin. First, a pet project: I would absolutely write this book if given the chance, by the way. Hmmm, you know, this isn’t quite close enough to O’Reilly’s shit, though. I think I need to straight-up steal his titles, too: This book sold 10,000 copies at the Youngstown B. Dalton on release day. I can also use slight punctuation changes to make the titles work! This book can be used as a doorstop, or to smash through a concrete wall. Hmm, hmm, what else. Oh! You may know I have a soft spot for mascots. And we all love Puddles, The University of Oregon’s mischievous, silly duck mascot. How easily we forget, though, that another mascot once prowled the sidelines at Autzen Stadium. In this 1,200 page tome, we dig into his short, brilliant career, his ultimate betrayal by those closest to him, and explore his unknown whereabouts. Hmm, ahh, geez, I’m starting to run out of ideas here. But the thing is, so is Ol’ Bill. His last book, which I saw in its expected place “across the aisle when I was buying diapers at Target” (they were for my kid, not for me, unlike his target readership), is titled “Killing England”. Huh? The first couple of books were about notable assassinations, and now you’re writing a book about the American Revolution and pretending it’s in the same series with clever titling? Fine. Whatever. I’ll take this one step further and brand my own local cable hunting show: You haven’t truly experienced Thanksgiving morning if you haven’t watched Coach Boom punch a wild turkey to death while children cry. Alright, I think I’ve made my point. What’s that? You want one more? Well, okay: Wait, that’s not quite there yet. I might need to steal someone else’s bit to polish this one off. Perfect. [...]



HEY, JUST FOLLOWING UP ON A FOLLOW UP The following is a real PR email we received this morning. The name of the sender has been redacted to protect them from humiliation. This is an unnecessary step—PR people, by definition, cannot be humiliated. In fact, this will probably go down in the accounts as “a response”. This is technically true, just like “a gunshot” is a “response” in a home invasion, and “a dog tearing a solid chunk torn out of your ass” is a “response” to jumping over the fence and into the wrong yard. The email’s text is in italics. Hope you had a nice weekend. We did. Almost every favorite in college football lost a game they weren’t supposed to lose, Florida got a step closer to the false hope of a new head coach getting hired, and we got to watch Arkansas throw out a Yeti-sized quarterback against Alabama. That’s about all one can ask for, really. This is probably just a rote greeting, but joke’s on you! Like someone on the street who said “how you doin’?” and expected a quick return greeting, it’s been thirty-five minutes and we’re just beginning to tell you about how removing wheat from our diet has really opened up new horizons for us emotionally and physically. You’re gonna have to chew your arm off to escape, Random PR Person. You’re going to have to yell “SMOKE BOMB” and literally throw a smoke bomb to get us to stop telling you how we’re really doing. You’re going to have to die your way out of this, PR Person. I wanted to reach out again regarding the below. Okay, plot point revealed: This is not their first email. It’s a general policy that, in a communication environment with larger than a certain number of parties, responding to everything is impossible. This is doubly true if they’re emailing you pitches for things they should otherwise pay for—like advertising, marketing, or some other form of promotion. That’s fine, and it’s also fine to label them spam and to not reply, because you don’t owe anyone a conversation. This is especially true on the internet, where the person trying to talk to you stands a good chance of being a bot, Russian teen, bored troll, or worse: a PR person trying to get free work out of you. That’s all fine. But this— We thought you might be interested, as Dr Pepper’s Larry Culpepper has become such a popular figure over the last few October’s. Larry Culpepper can eat a claymore. His pasty, knobby knees terrify us. The shorts are those of a disgraced P.E. teacher unable to come within several hundred yards of schools or other buildings containing children. As a character, he represents a fifty-year old man whose sole job is selling beverages at a stadium. The most redeeming feature of Larry Culpepper’s entire character may be this: As it would be impossible to make enough money this way to support a living anywhere, we have to assume he’s selling weed in the stands to make ends meet. The sole anchor of his personality seems to be an insistence that he invented the college football playoff. If this were a real person, this would be the saddest imaginable single pole to orient an entire personal cosmos around. As a fictional character, it’s even worse, because fictional characters should have some real depth even in their mundanity, or at least some quirk to their mundanity. Flo from Progressive has range, y’all. She’s been through things. Flo’s been to Bike Week. Flo’s been married to the wrong man. Flo probably, if we’re among friends, might have made a few mistakes with prescription drugs that affected her legal record and personal credit. Flo’s a tree that’s been through a few storms, y’all. She’s complex. Larry Culpepper’s entire character hinges on the extremely dull fictional claim of coming up with the college football playoff. That’s beyond sad, as coming up with the four-team college football playoff is is the most meager accomplishment imaginable in real life. It would be like claimin[...]





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OH you thought it was gonna be quiet this weekend, that’s adorable. C’mere. Let us pinch your cheek, smile at you, and watch while college football picks your pocket and takes it to Best Buy to purchase ALL the necessaries for the house. Why’d college football buy five Nest smart thermostats it uses as paperweights? BECAUSE YOU WEREN’T LOOKING, BUDDY, AND BLOOD WEEK GOTTA SHINE.

Look at all these things Ryan compiled that are absolutely true facts about the 2017 season after this week!

  • Rutgers has more conference wins than Indiana, the team that just took Michigan to overtime
  • Syracuse had the exact same final score - a 27-24 win - against Clemson as they did against Pitt
  • Boston College had more rushing yards, passing yards, and points than Alabama
  • Tennessee outscored Washington, tripled up Wazzu, and still lost to South Carolina
  • Notre Dame and UVA have the same record






NEW PERSON, SAME OLD MISTAKES Florida lost a close game where the offense came up short and the defense, stretched to the breaking point after a superb game, gave up a game-winning drive late. You could have picked up that ice, but you kicked it under the fridge. Florida’s quarterback had no time to throw, and received little protection from the run game in the second half once the opposing defense realized they could tee off on the run without worrying about repercussions through the air. The gym was on the schedule, but that seemed like a lot today. You better just rest and eat this entire box of Triscuits on the couch, because that might be what your body needs most right now. Mounting injuries and suspensions have crippled the depth on the team. Recruiting, while good, is not great, and certainly not great enough to keep up with rivals rampaging through your territory taking good prospects from right under your nose. No one seems to like the way this team plays football, even when losing. Saving ten percent of your salary is pretty sensible...but buying a Nintendo Switch and three games to play with it this month is just self-care, right? And self-care is so important, especially in this particularly stressful time in our nation’s history. This is a young team and an inexperienced Florida team. Yet, despite that, there is no confidence in the ability of those running the program to do anything measurable or substantive with that experience. After three years, there is still nothing like a starting quarterback on the way, nothing like a solid, balanced, and effective offensive line. There are flashes of development from the wide receivers, but no consistent breakout performances. The running backs might be good, and have been good in spots, but spend a lot of time figuring out how to avoid an onrushing tackler in the backfield. There are tight ends on the roster who can catch the ball, in theory—-good ones. Theory is all they have right now to prove they exist. That book you were going to write really needs some time to just, yanno, digest in your head. Same for adding onto the house. Just let it simmer, because big projects are like a good stew. You’ll never finish the entire pot, and probably just let it go bad on the stove after you cover it and forget it’s there overnight. Even if all the various parts of the Florida offense came together, there is little indication that offense would work all that well. It’s predictable. It sometimes nonsensically calls for tiny slot receivers to block much larger players. It feels less like an attack and more like a continual fumbling mitigation of weaknesses that only makes the offense weaker in practice by telling them how obviously weak they are. This offense at its best right now is duct tape around a sagging bumper: It fixes something, but also calls attention to just how obviously broken the machine is. You’ll get to the doctor next year, everything’s probably fine. Nothing has changed, right down to the way things will probably change at Florida. Given no evidence this staff is above replacement variance—a ten win season here and then, a 4-8 here, a whole lot of 9-4 and losses to rivals in between—The Tuberville Death Spiral kicks in. A sacrificial coordinator will be fired, most likely offensive coordinator Doug Nussmeier. A new recruiting class will be held together. A new coordinator will be hired, and the head coach will officially be on notice. The new coordinator will not have enough time in a single season to bail out the head coach, everyone will get their buyouts, and this cycle will start all over again. Today was a shitshow, but there’s always tomorrow, and you’ll totally get it together then. Not today, but definitely tomorrow. Kellen Mond had a great game, and could be really good if Texas A&M holds everything together and keeps him from getting too beat up. Also did you see a defensive tackle make[...]



BECAUSE SCREW YOU, THAT’S WHY [6am Saturday morning] MY WIFE: Honey ME: Mfgggmph WIFE: Honey, wake up. Wake up. I heard a noise out in the yard. ME: I’m sure it’s nothing. Probably just those dickhead neighbor kids up early again. WIFE: Can you go check? ME: It’s fine. WIFE: Go check. ME: FINE [I stagger to my feet, shuffle to the front door, and open it] RECE DAVIS: This mid-century raised ranch in the inner suburbs has seen a number of Saturday mornings, but never one like this ME: What BIG & RICH: WE’LL WE’VE COME IN / TO YOUR FRONT YARD / WE COULD’VE GONE TO PENN STATE BUT SCREW ‘EM / WE PUT A BIG STAGE ON YOUR GARDEN COME ALONG ME: come again THOSE RAPPERS IN THE SONG: YOU KNOW ESPN IS PUTTIN’ IN THAT WORK / WE’RE GOING NEW PLACES LIKE A BUNCH OF JERKS / WE’LL DO A SHOW RIGHT FROM TIMES SQUARE, BUT YOU MENTION WAZZU, AND WE’RE LIKE I’M SORRY, WHERE ME: okay the rapping is bad but they’re giving good exposition BIG & RICH: PUT A LITTLE ZING IN YOUR TING-TANG COME AROUND ME: Still don’t know what that means, though. ANNOUNCER: College Gameday, live from some dickhead’s front lawn in suburban Kentucky, is built by the Home Depot RECE DAVIS: We’re glad to have you here, on this Week 8 of the college football season, when we’ve finally lost our minds when it comes to locations. I’m Rece Davis, alongside Kirk Herbstreit, Desmond Howard, and Lee Corso. DESMOND HOWARD: [smiles, laughs] LEE CORSO: [smiling and laughing at my neighbor’s lawn gnome] KIRK HERBSTREIT: [snapping branches off my tree] You know, this guy should be glad we’re here. This yard is a dump. ME: That’s not nice, Kirk. HERBSTREIT: I AM BEING HARRASSED AND I AM MOVING NOW CORSO [still chuckling]: It’s like a tiny person! In the lawn! Look at that hat! [claps] ME: Can somebody please, for the love of god, explain what’s happening here. DAVIS: We got tired of people thinking they’d know where we’re going in a given week! We’re thinking outside the box. Earlier this year, we went to Times Square, the literal least-interested-in-college-football place in America! Last week, we went to James Madison again, despite multiple viable FBS scenarios! Next week, we’re going to be at a Houston Astros game! ME: What about Washington State? Couldn’t you just finally go there after 15 years of them asking you nicely? I mean, they’re ranked in the top 10 and have a home game against Color- DAVIS: We’ve gotta cut you off there, we’re going live to Tom Rinaldi in your backyard RINALDI: This backyard hasn’t been mowed in nearly two weeks. But through the weeds and the fallen leaves, a solitary figure remains, chasing a dream. This is Holly, the corgi who calls this backyard home. She’s no stranger to college football - the owner of this house used to use her as filler when he couldn't come up with topical angles for college football blog posts. But those days are few and far between now. HOLLY THE CORGI: He used to take 20 pictures of me a day, that’s how he could keep the content going. Then he had kids, and now he takes pictures of them. RINALDI: And what does that make you think? HOLLY: It makes me think he looks like a guy who’d talk to a stranger on a plane about fantasy football. RINALDI: [nodding somberly] HOLLY: Like a guy who plans a vacation to St. Louis RINALDI: [nodding somberly] [hey look there’s the Wazzu flag] HOLLY: Like Peter Parker got bit by a radioactive tax attorney ME: Tom why are you letting this happen HOLLY: Like if Prince Charles had a third son who wasn’t raised rich RINALDI: [nodding] he’s not attractive HOLLY: Like a sitcom dad, but not the main character. Like the neighbor dad who tells Kevin James “heck of a mess you got there, buddy” or something. ME: Alright, I’m calling the cops, everyone get out of- HOLLY: Like if a Kia Soul came with a free person DAVIS: Alrig[...]





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Sometimes when we record the planets align, and then sometimes when we record the Fullcast they align, do a slight shimmy, and rhythmically pulse in a manner that indicates that the Fullcast brand, while always intense, is particularly on point this week regarding the events of the universe.

For instance, this episode contains all of the following extremely on-brand points.

  • Talking about Butch Jones’ motivationals, including how the Turnover Garbage Can leads to the Dumpster Fire of Victory, etc, etc
  • How sweet it is of someone to dedicate lines of cocaine to you, when you really think about it
  • Oregon State’s coach just paid $12 million to leave his job, basically
  • A lengthy discussion of things that are either living with rats, near rats, or are actual balls of sentient rats pretending to be people
  • How this weekend is like almost every other weekend of football so far this season in that it is very underwhelming on paper, but in reality will feature some kind of weirdness worth paying attention to
  • Everyone makes fun of Spencer’s refrigerator-like body and that’s FINE
  • The first forty seconds are just us warming up and Ryan just left that in and that is also FINE