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Every Day Should Be Saturday



Updated: 2017-08-22T11:30:34-04:00

 



THERE’S PLENTY OF SEC TEAMS IN THE TOP TEN

2017-08-22T11:30:34-04:00

UNLESS YOU LISTEN TO THE LYING MEDIA SOME people say there ain’t but one SEC team in the top ten this year. This is sadly inaccurate, but that’s what you get from BIAS MEDIA like ESPN, who is touting this lie to push clicks. They do that, and we never would, because we are trustable because [FILE NOT FOUND] But there are at least nine SEC teams in the top ten, if you know how to look. To wit: Alabama. Peak SEC, no explanation needed. If you need one: You can park a truck over a live person on Gameday anywhere in Tuscaloosa and if they’re not wearing a Bama shirt it’s perfectly legal. Ohio State. A good third of the state is already in West Virginia, the lost SEC stepbrother who took to the mountains years ago because they weren’t gonna let anyone tell him what to do with his still. An inbred narcissism about your program’s place in history and the national consciousness? (WHAT DO YOU MEAN CRAIG KRENZEL ISN’T A LEGEND????) Voted for Trump? Urban Meyer? You’re in, and stop acting like you’re not before we ask you which state actually gunned down Vietnam War protesters instead of just talking about it. Florida State. Please, Florida State is an SEC school that lost its shot at membership for smuggling bootleg cigarettes across state lines without giving Bear Bryant a cut. If fishing shirts and skoal and wraparound sunglasses were currency Florida State would be our nation’s largest bank. Head coach is named Jimbo and he would come to practice with a freshly harvested ten point buck in the back of his truck if he could. Probably wants to join already so it can claim a decisive victory over Lamar Jackson. IN. USC. Horse is named Traveller, it’s good for a massive recruiting scandal once a decade, and it’s shockingly conservative, politically speaking. In. Clemson. Everyone already calls it Auburn with a lake, coach is named Dabo and is from Alabama, super churchy to the core, hired a Bowden son once (just like Auburn.) SEC SCHOOL. Penn State. It’s in the sticks, has a segment of the fanbase who problematically worships a statue, and has the same cred as Ohio State for having fans whose sole version of college football history registers Ki-Jana Carter as one of the top five running backs in history. They’re SEC, and that’s before you remember they hired James Franklin, someone who was ruthless enough to be competitive at Vanderbilt. Washington. With the boats they’re like Tennessee, if Tennessee has disavowed a lot of their bumpkin ways, but still sneaked out on weekend mornings to bring down an elk for the back freezer. Anyone who doesn’t believe the PNW and the South don’t have an innate compatibility needs to look at the number of dudes who believe a baseball cap is simultaneously acceptable winter gear, formal wear, and head protection for construction sites. (Also Tennessee compatible until recently for being able to moon over the 1990s as their last great memories.) Oklahoma. One symbol of the university is a rampaging wagon full of gun-toting yahoos, next, another one is a horse, and another is Barry Switzer. In before you even get to Exhibit D. Michigan. Okay they’re not SEC, not at all. Wisconsin. Honestly the hunting, stunning prevalence of firearms, and general preference to live outdoors might not qualify them because they do all of them to a degree that would embarrass SEC members. Either they’re admitted as kings or rejected as competition. We don’t even know how to evaluate their drinking: It’s beyond LSU levels, and degrees of that measure require new math we haven’t invented yet. Bielema? That’s just extra credit at this point. See, nine out of ten. Anything else is #fakenews. [...]



WILL MUSCHAMP TELLS YOU HOW TO WATCH AN ECLIPSE

2017-08-21T10:50:51-04:00

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THE SUN’S JUST A TARGET LEAD WITH THE HEAD AND FOLLOW THROUGH

That’s really got it all: A new weight room toy, some SEAL/military type team-building torture, something sort of silly-looking that actually is hard as hell to do, and a bunch of grunting. We feel very strongly about Scott Sinclair definitely being a strength coach, but if nothing else does it this should.

Also at the 2:38 mark of this video he does the Turtleman “LIVE ACTION” call, which is real, real strength coach-y.

We are leaning towards labeling him as a definite Strength Coach. Does he make his players deadlift?

Oh, this is a very strong portion of his resume. Not only is the answer a “yes”, but he gets powerful bonuses for a.) using the 1990s favorite accessory, the trap bar, for them but also b.) getting his players to jump out of them and over stacks of agility boxes to finish the sets.

We told you: this is definitely a top-flight strength coach by ranking of strength coach things alone, and that’s before we’ve confirmed that he owns and drives a massive battering ram of a truck.

The findings of this panel are complete: DEFINITELY A STRENGTH COACH.

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BAD NEWS? NEVER HEARD IT, HERE’S A RECRUIT WITH SOME BEEF

2017-08-14T10:00:47-04:00

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COULDN’T IMAGINE WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT

This past weekend was an event-free one, especially in football, where nothing happened to the University of Florida Gators football team, especially in the department of player discipline and minor scandals involving credit card fraud. Nothing happened: Everyone cooked the meat or vegan option of their choice on a grill, the weather was warm but temperate, and the bugs were too happy to bother biting those enjoying the great outdoors.

The only thing that happened was this, and it was good.

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HIS BRAND IS STRONG AND ONE MIGHT SAY BEEFY

That’s Cordele, Georgia’s finest, defensive lineman DeAngelo Griffin, celebrating his scholarship offer from South Carolina by holding an enormous piece of beef. He has two SEC scholarship offers now, and should receive 12 more based strictly on this photo alone. That is an defensive lineman who already understands what you need to do to brand yourself properly, while also eating to refuel his very large body with adequate protein.

Oh, and is that the half-off section? VALUE PICK. There’s layers here, y’all. See? Only good things have happened, with nothing bad at all.

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