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Every Day Should Be Saturday



Updated: 2017-09-19T15:15:49-04:00

 



PEOPLE WHO HAD AS MANY CARRIES INSIDE THE TEN YARD LINE AS JOHN KELLY HAD AGAINST FLORIDA

2017-09-19T15:15:49-04:00

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  • President Zachary Taylor (deceased)
  • Ariana Grande
  • Vicente Fox
  • Ripped-as-hell Smokey The Bear
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START A FIRE AND I’M FUCKING YOU UP, FAM
  • David Letterman (might be him pictured above, we need to double check)
  • Kurt Warner
  • Kurt Russell
  • Kurt Angle
  • Kurt Wagner
  • Kurt Russell 2 (<—future Kurt Russell clone made to ensure future Kurt Russell dominance)
  • Paryaqaqa, the Incan god of water and rainstorms
  • Senator Louis C. Wyman, who won his seat by two votes, served for three days, and was then embroiled in a Senate dispute on whether he’d actually won that took almost a year and ended with him badly losing a special election for the seat.
  • J-Kwon
  • Butch Jones
  • A used Ikea Poång chair listed on Craigslist/Rochester for $4
  • The entire nation of Paraguay
  • Us
  • You, who gets the point that the best player on the field in Tennessee/Florida didn’t see the ball in the redzone and that’s absolutely insane by any definition of the word insane
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A MICHIGAN MAN COMES HOME

2017-09-19T11:17:37-04:00

SUCK IT, THOMAS WOLFE JIM HARBAUGH: I don’t understand why we’re doing this. I have game preparations I need to be working on. WARDE MANUEL: Jim, you know as well as anyone that the job isn’t just game prep. There’s off-the-field politics you have to deal with now and then. Besides, this won’t take long. RECEPTIONIST, through intercom: He’s here. MANUEL: Great, thank you. Send him in. HARBAUGH: [staring intensely at painting on wall] MANUEL: Calm down, Jim. This won’t take long. HARBAUGH: I’m trying to see the hidden picture. MANUEL: That’s not a Magic Eye poster, Jim. It’s a Thomas Kinkade reproduction. There’s no hidden picture. HARBAUGH: There’s hidden pictures in everything if you stare hard enough. MANUEL: why do I take you anywhere HARBAUGH: Why does your face have a spaceship in it [the office door opens] DAVE BRANDON: Gosh, thank you both for seeing me. It’s been hard to get anyone to meet with me, what with, well, you know... HARBAUGH: Your long string of notable failures at every step of your professional life? BRANDON: Right. But hey, as they say, a Michigan Man can always come home, right? MANUEL: I’m not familiar with that saying. HARBAUGH: I burned down my childhood house so that I wouldn’t be tempted by the weakness of nostalgia. We can only move forward in life. BRANDON: That seems excessive. HARBAUGH: You sound like the current owners. MANUEL: So, as I understand it, Dave, since you last left the University of Michigan, you’ve been working as the CEO of Toys ‘R’ Us, which is preparing to declare bankruptcy. BRANDON: Yes, well, it’s been a tough time for the bricks-and-mortar retail sector in general, what with the rise of e-commerce - I’m sad that it had to come to this, but I think it’ll give the business a great opportunity. Did you know that the Chinese character for “crisis” is the same one as for “opportunity”? HARBAUGH: 这是一个常见的谬误,经常由弱者的弱者弱化自己的消费恐惧而颁布。 BRANDON: I’m sorry, what? MANUEL: He said that that's a common fallacy often promulgated by men of weak minds in feeble denial of their own consuming fear. BRANDON: I didn’t know you two spoke Chinese. HARBAUGH: We don’t. MANUEL: Anyways, let’s review your tenure as a toy-seller. [reading brief] Hoo, boy. Lot of missteps, Dave. BRANDON: We took some risks. MANUEL: First, let’s start with your “financial edutainment” division. BRANDON: Ah, yes, I’m quite proud of that one. We figured, what do kids love? They love superheroes, and they love learning about complex investment strategies at an early age. We figured - why not combine the two? A swaggering superhero who also manages a private equity firm. MANUEL: And you called this- BRANDON: SuperFund. MANUEL: Right. And were you aware that that is also the name of a government program for cleanup of toxic waste sites? BRANDON: I was. MANUEL: I see. Moving on. Your transportation initiative. BRANDON: Of course. You see, in the past few years, those hoverboards became the hottest holiday gift for kids across the country. But they were plagued by problems. Kids were falling off and getting injured, the batteries were catching fire - it was a great product, but it demanded a wholesale reimagining nonetheless. MANUEL: And how did you solve this? BRANDON: Well, first, we eliminated the battery. Too dangerous, too high a material cost, and honestly? Not needed. It’s like a comprehensive concussion protocol. People think you need it, but you don't. Then, for stabilization, we rearranged the wheels. Instead of two parallel wheels of equal size, we placed them in line, and made one considerably larger. Now, you might think, as our R&D team did, that that’s going to be hard to balance on. So we added a seat and a proprietary “holding bar”. MANUEL: [producing glossy photo from folder] and the end result was this. BRANDON: We later found that similar designs already in existence might prevent us from obtai[...]



NOTES ON KENTUCKY/SOUTH CAROLINA

2017-09-18T16:12:11-04:00

HEY Y’ALL IT WAS JUST AS BAD AND GOOD AS YOU SAID Why? Mostly because even in the midst of Florida and Tennessee setting back the coaching profession decades, even while Clemson was putting Louisville in the figure four, and even when Texas was doing its best imitation of a real, grown-boy football team, there was this...noise. A noise of mute horror, of slow crushing, the noise something trapped in a steamer trunk thrown into the bottom of an abandoned coal mine might make. That noise was South Carolina. Appropriately, the team with the abandoned mineshaft was Kentucky. South Carolina should have known it was losing this game when it leaped out to a 6-0 lead after a quick TD on their first drive, but then missed the extra point. There were other clues, though, that this was going to be a slog for both teams. Both teams combined for three turnovers in the first four minutes of the game, which is a bad sign. Neither team could get points of any of them—especially bad for South Carolina, since they got two of them off Kentucky, and converted them into a missed field goal and interception. Those are non-scoring plays. This game was already telling you it was going to be horrible, South Carolina. It was honest about it, and you should appreciate that. A horrible, slogging state of play favored Kentucky, a team that prefers to work the clock on every play, minimize possessions, and let steady running by Benny Snell and judicious passing by Stephen Johnson control tempo. It’s kind of cool, after watching a lot of teams attempt to do things they cannot do, to see a team with no ambitions whatsoever. Kentucky knows what it is, and will play accordingly. For instance: Both teams had around 350 yards of offense, but Kentucky wrung 20 first downs off 353 yards offense, while South Carolina only had 14 first downs off 358 yards of offense. Translated: For what it got, the Wildcats got a maximum amount of clock-burning done. Kentucky is paying off the mortgage of a game at the bare minimum, and with no additional payments forward on the interest. Against the right opponent that’s a pretty good strategy, and against South Carolina it’s a way to break every Gamecock fan watching this, because it’s just a first down, it didn’t even look that impressive. Again, that’s a form of being extremely smart. Mark Stoops can’t out-personnel anyone in the SEC, but he can fit relatively modest pieces into a very mean, well-designed thing IF that thing only really wants to run the ball for steady gains, complete timely third down passes that don’t get much farther than the sticks, and occasionally run his QB when necessary. They’re Michigan State-ish in the best possible sense of the word, not in the 2016-17 sense: You might outsprint them, but you’ll never beat them in a contest of holding breath to see who passes out first. Long stretches of this game are “punts and twiddling.” Very active and purposeful piddling, yes, but still piddling. And defensively Kentucky really didn’t care whether Jake Bentley had a huge day or not, since the wager they made was doubling down on stopping the run, and daring South Carolina to convert in the red zone through the air. Bentley does some astonishingly polished things in this game, he really does, especially for just a second year starter. At one point he completes sixteen straight passes, and makes two and three read progressions with ease. He finished with 304 yards passing and two TDs, and was the main reason South Carolina was in this game late. He also got zero run support, threw two picks, and generally had trouble extending drives to keep the Gamecocks from regaining control of the game. This game turned into a grappling match early. Kentucky relished that, South Carolina did and could not, and that’s pretty much the entire story here, because one team is very much built for that kind of mudrolling, and the other is South Carolina, who had 54 rushing yards on the night and at one point had to r[...]



FULLCAST 7.24: WE WERE RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING

2017-09-18T09:46:51-04:00

WEEK THREE’S RECAP IS A GLOATING VICTORY TOUR ABOUT BEING RIGHT FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER src="https://art19.com/shows/shutdown-fullcast/episodes/783bebe4-974e-45c7-b269-a7c0f39bd395/embed?primary_color=%231b5495&theme=light-gray-blue" style="border: 0; width: 100%; height: 200px;" allowfullscreen="" scrolling="no"> NOTE: Hey, did you know we're doing a charity drive for victims of Hurricanes Harvey and Irma? It's true! Just go to: https://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2017/9/14/16306480/shutdown-fullcast-7-23-lets-not-talk-about-tennessee-florida ...and you can find out the details, including how you can force us to read basically whatever you want us to on a future Fullcast episode. This week’s episode of the Fullcast is just us reviewing the week and realizing we were right about everything, which is what happens when you’re just vaguely pessimistic about stuff and apply a few statistics to the situation. Also this doesn’t happen, ever, so we’re going to all gloat about it for a minute while we can. (Which will be exactly for one minute.) To wit! We were right about Tennessee/Florida being a dumb pigeon fight Tennessee is worse at managing football games than Florida! Which is really something! We called UCLA losing to Memphis! (Had the wrong way of it happening, but sure, go with it) There were other things! (There were not) The part where we recap the week is normal Louisville isn’t Clemson and that’s fine, at least for Clemson LSU is very confusing because they were not good Saturday, and Mississippi State is also confusing because they were very, very good on Saturday South Carolina died Mizzou has left the building for the 2017 season, along with BYU and several other teams who are already beyond done for the year James Franklin called a timeout up 56-0 in the waning seconds of the game over Georgia State because he is both petty AND weird Oh and this happened. FLORIDA BACK?* I hate that we lost but at least our players don't represent our team like this. I love a rivalry but be classy about it EDIT: I know our fans have done questionable things. They shouldn't have peed on the tebow statue but I'm not saying this over and over again: players are supposed to be controlled by coaches and fans are not. This is a representation of the control Jim Mcelwain and staff has on its players. If this was a Tennessee player I would be embarrassed. Athletes are held to a higher standard.Posted by Chandler Cox on Saturday, September 16, 2017 *Florida not back [...]



JIM MCELWAIN SELLS SAUCE

2017-09-15T11:06:07-04:00

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THIS IS NOT A METAPHOR BUT IT KIND OF IS

The Tennessee-Florida game is this week. No one wants to talk about it and that’s fine. One program is managed by a dull Battletoad whose idea of a rallying cry is a garbage can. The other spent most of his offseason taking offense at the implication that he looked like a man who posed nude on a shark. Neither is living up to expectations at places that desperately want a likable winner, and neither is happy.

This game will be like watching two pigeons fight over a half-eaten chicken wing. No one respects the pigeons to begin with, because they are pigeons. Both are poorly armed and equipped for the fight, because again: are pigeons. As an SEC East rivalry, the entire exercise is an exercise in cannibalism. As a fight over position in the blighted SEC East, it is a futile fight with very little meat on the bone to be won.

Bystanders will be mildly horrified, only mildly, because this game doesn’t have the gravity to merit full horror.

What it will have: The head coach of one team hawking barbecue sauce in the stadium’s concession stands. Jim McElwain’s recipe can now be yours in the form of Mombo3 barbecue sauce, named for McElwain’s mom, and for the number of children the McElwain family have, and definitely not for field goals. Nope. Definitely not a 3 for endless field goals to end offensive drives.

Reading over it, it sounds like this is a production of McElwain’s wife Karen and Marty Hurwitz, who is some dude who used to manage Raquel Welch, but who now lives in Sarasota. (We would put money on there being at least five dudes in Sarasota who say they used to manage Raquel Welch.)

When asked to describe the sauce, Hurwitz, who did not think of the football implications of this at all, gave the Gainesville Sun this:

He describes it as “perfume for the mouth. Sweet at first, then tangy and finally a kick at the end.”

That is correct. The Gators’ barbecue sauce starts sweet, but then turns bitter and ends with a kick. No, this is perfect. The branding is perfect, don’t change a damn thing, not at all. Tennessee at Florida will be broadcast at 3:30 p.m. ET on CBS, and Jim McElwain definitely did not pose nude atop a shark this offseason. He says it wasn’t him, and that offends him and his family when you say it.

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SHUTDOWN FULLCAST 7.23: LET’S NOT TALK ABOUT TENNESSEE-FLORIDA

2017-09-14T10:26:33-04:00

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LET’S DISCUSS THIS SPECIAL CHARITY ANNOUNCEMENT INSTEAD

src="https://art19.com/shows/shutdown-fullcast/episodes/cb70814c-c010-4925-90e9-964fdb1649a2/embed" style="width: 100%; height: 200px; border: 0 none;" scrolling="no">

Hey look a new episode cool neat great I’m sure it’s very witty and full of insightful observ-ONE THOUSAND GIANT CHURCH BELLS SOUND AT ONCE

The Shutdown Fullcast only really exists to cause misery and pain, either to you, the audience, or to me, the one trying to edit the thing into listenability and failing miserably. But we’re going to try to change that this year with the SPECIAL FULLCAST FUCK YOU HURRICANES charity drive. (That name is still being workshopped.)

Here’s how it works.

STEP ONE: You donate to one of these fine organizations working on Harvey/Irma relief.

The Houston Food Bank

The Miami Diaper Bank

The Harry Chapin Food Bank of Southwest Florida

Oxfam efforts in the Caribbean

STEP TWO: You email your donation receipt to Ryan (ryan.nanni@gmail.com).

STEP THREE: You listen to the Shutdown Fullcast religiously and wait to hear us botch this, somehow.

For a donation of at least $50, we’ll thank you by name at the end of an episode. Bump that to $100 and we’ll throw in a short read out of your choosing. (Example: “Thank you to Spencer Hall, who reminds you that the touchdown cake is a lie.”) $200 and up and we’ll give you your own ad read, much the same way we do for valued corporate sponsors. We’re really hoping they don’t listen to those, by the way.

Your deadline: the end of September. That’s a lot of time, but don’t waste it! Go donate now and then we’re legally obligated to say nice things about your team!*

*this may not be true, I am and was a terrible attorney

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MINNESOTA UNVEILS THE MOST TERRIFYING HELMET OF OUR TIME

2017-09-13T10:52:10-04:00

BEING A LINEBACKER SUCKS AND THIS WOULD MAKE IT SUCK MORE Oh, losing to someone wearing this helmet would be so, so bad. Imagine being a linebacker for the opposing team—not a good opposing team for Minnesota, mind you, because you’re probably not losing to them. Michigan, you’re out. Illinois, Northwestern, maybe Middle Tennessee: this is for you. So y’all have gone three quarters with Minnesota, blocking dutifully, picking up running backs coming out of the backfield while praying they don’t throw a wheel route over your head, and trying to work through all those asshole crossing routes while doing your whole tackle-the-ball-carrier thing. It’s exhausting. Think about why it’s so exhausting for a second. The linebacker is the MMA fighter of the defense. We don’t mean that in the sense that they have bad Russian prison tats because they think they’ll make them punch harder, or that they’re fond of doing burpees until they puke, or that they’re out there in their underwear waiting to do their job covered in blood. Not that there aren’t linebackers out there who wouldn’t play in cleats, a pair of shoulder pads, and a pair of man-panties. There are. They are all named Vontaze Burfict. They are the MMA guys of football because there are so many things to do on any given play, so many things to hit, and so many ways they could get knocked out or submitted at any given second. The viewer/fan might see a dot sort of bouncing around the middle of the field and pile-jumping, but it’s all so much more exhausting than that, because the linebacker is caught in so many binds before the snap ever happens. He’s caught between run and pass. He might have to block a pulling guard or a tackle or a center or a tight end. He might have to block a combination, if he’s deeply fucked on a play, catches the worst roll of the schematic dice, and gets caught up in a double team. Then he gets buried under 600 pounds of sweaty, angry man, and that’s a very, very, very bad time. He can do a lot, too—the kinetic potential of a linebacker in space is just as damaging in its potential risk to the offense as it is for an offense. But it’s uniquely hard in its role as a player in space who also has to reckon with the thumpy, violent line of scrimmage, who might be called on to play pass coverage or tussle with an ogre on a run play, and who might have to discern between the two in a split second—usually with the offense deliberately trying to pick on him specifically, and disguise what they’re doing until the ball is five yards over his head. So you’re a bone-tired linebacker, spent from being yanked around by motions and play-fakes and multiple formations, sore from being thwacked by players who outweigh you by 50 pounds at least running right at you, covered in helmet-bruises and probably praying your ankle doesn’t roll every other play, and waiting with dread for that wheel route you can’t cover. It’s been two and a half, maybe three hours of this shit. You stink. Someone on the offensive line peed themselves, probably intentionally. He’s very fond of you, in particular. Then it happens. Something catches, and you stutter for a second. It could be one lean to the left too much, or maybe a wide receiver on a sweep fake caught you. Maybe you were thinking about breakfast, I dunno. Usually before the game you have a lot of ham, but the ham was looking kind of slimy this morning, and I dunno, the bacon will do—but it’s not what you usually eat, is it? Pregame? And you’re kind of superstitious, and thinking about this when a guard flies up in your face and through the hole, and you get an arm on the back but he’s gone. He’s so gone, and racing towards the safeties, who all have bad angles thanks to some winking play-fake they fell for pre-snap. That’s the moment you watch all hope evaporate, and know you’ve n[...]



IT’S CHRISTMAS IN SEPTEMBER

2017-09-12T13:58:31-04:00

AND GUESS WHO’S BACK [SCENE: the “nice” mall in town, you know, the one that has some fancy term for mall like “Fashion Place”] LORD & TAYLOR EMPLOYEE ON BREAK: Did you hear that? COACH EMPLOYEE, ALSO ON BREAK: Some kind of commotion down in the food court. [a mall security robot whizzes by, beeping concernedly] EMPLOYEE #1: Let’s go check it out. [in between the Banh Mi shop and the macaron atelier, a crowd has formed around an unseen figure] VOICE FROM BEHIND CROWD: WHY WAIT UNTIL CHRISTMAS, I SAY! THE MOST MAGICAL TIME OF THE YEAR IS ALREADY UPON US! EMPLOYEE #2: What’s going on? SHOPPER: Some crazy dude in a Santa outfit is just hollering and giving out gifts. EMPLOYEE #2: That’s weird. SHOPPER: Yeah, what’s even weirder is, his Santa outfit is, like, gold and black? EMPLOYEE #1: Ah, shit. SHOPPER: What? EMPLOYEE #1: I know what this is. EMPLOYEE #2: What? EMPLOYEE #1: You know how I used to work at Radio Shack? Over in the shitty mall, before it closed? EMPLOYEE #2: Yeah, but what does that have to do with- EMPLOYEE #1: I know this guy. He used to hang out there all the time. Drove everyone nuts. He was living in the ceiling plenum above Auntie Anne’s for a while, and he figured out how to ferment the dipping sauce. He’d stumble down loaded and rant to the Sunglass Hut people about Neil Armstrong and shit. Security’d throw him out, but he’d just show up again the next day, fired up on “Pretzel Wine” again. EMPLOYEE #2: What’s he doing in a place like this, then? I mean, this place is fancy. SECURITY ROBOT: [in an upper-class British accent] You are hereby requested to cease and desist all unauthorized and off-schedule displays of holiday cheer on Fashion Place grounds, pursuant to- EMPLOYEE #1, sighing: That’s not going to work. I’ll go talk to him. [pushes way through crowd, where the commotion has continued] PURDUE SANTA, jovially: - and a happy new year, young man! CHILD: [walks off, side-by-side with his new Goldendoodle, who has been trained to ride a hoverboard upright] EMPLOYEE #1: The hell are you doing, man? PURDUE SANTA: MEEEEEERRY CHRISTMAS, YOUNG MA- EMPLOYEE #1: Dude, it’s September 12th. PURDUE SANTA: WHEN LIFE IS GOOD, THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT ABOUNDS REGARDLESS OF SEASON! EMPLOYEE #1: Since when is life so good? You once hollowed out one of those rental motorized animal scooters like a Tauntaun and slept in it for a week. We thought you were dead. PURDUE SANTA: MEDICALLY I WAS! But that’s all changed now! OH, TANNENBROHM, DU KANNST MIR SEHR GEFALLEN- EMPLOYEE #1: Ah, that’s what this is about. PURDUE SANTA: A JOYOUS MIRACLE! Here, you look like you could use some cheer. Go buy yourself something nice. [stuffs wads of cash in employee’s hands] EMPLOYEE #1: These are pre-war Iraqi dinars. PURDUE SANTA: MILLIONS OF THEM EMPLOYEE #1: These haven’t been in use since like, 2003. PURDUE SANTA: NEITHER HAS BOILERMAKER FOOTBALL, BUT IT’S ALL COMING BACK TO ME NOW. Hey, that reminds me, I’ve hired a special guest as a treat for you today. [turns to crowd] Ladies and gentlemen, the incomparable Celine Dion! CELINE DION: Allo. EMPLOYEE #2: What PURDUE SANTA: I CAN DO ANYTHING NOW, HAVE YOU EVER WANTED TO FLY A FIGHTER JET? EMPLOYEE #1: You’re two games into a new coach’s tenure and you’re 1-1. Don’t you think this is a bit, um... over the top? PURDUE SANTA: We dominated Ohio! SHOPPER: You know that’s the MAC school, and not the Big Ten- PURDUE SANTA: The last time a team from Ohio was dominated like that, it was Clemson in the playoff, and they won the national title the next week! SHOPPER: Okay, you’re definitely obscuring a key distinction here EMPLOYEE #2: Also, the last time a team from Ohio was dominated like that was Saturday night in Columbus, I’m just sayin’ PURDUE SANTA: IT WAS A NATIONALLY TELEVISED GAME EMPLOYEE #1[...]