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Every Day Should Be Saturday



Updated: 2017-12-14T10:15:13-05:00

 



SHUTDOWN FULLCAST 40 FOR 40: I DUNNO, SOME OF THEM?

2017-12-14T10:15:13-05:00

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LOOK AT THAT BIG UGLY BASEBALL ATTIC

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Ok, so listen. Spencer drowned (we all know that, there’s no reason to belabor the details) and we haven’t put a lot of content on the site this week. I’M SORRY. Technically you could blame him for drowning or Action Cookbook for not drowning, but we all know what’s going to happen.

Y’all are gonna blame me and insist I should be fired.

And I get that! The problem is this time I would welcome it. Because we’ve previewed* 10 bowl games...and we still have THIRTY OF THESE MOTHERFUCKERS LEFT TO DO. Process the paperwork and get my ass canned, please.


*obviously they’re not even close to previews, we rarely mention the teams or discuss who will win or why**

**if you need this caveat what are you even doing here

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30 FOR 30: SEAM ROUTE

2017-12-06T15:57:29-05:00

THE ORAL HISTORY OF THE BIG TEN CHAMPIONSHIP’S MOST GRIPPING MOMENT What if we told you that ripping a hole in a football field...was the one thing that could sew together a divided nation? src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/4ZUxtnr2nm4?rel=0&" style="border: 0; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; position: absolute;" allowfullscreen="" scrolling="no"> Erik Harlow, ‎Field Manager - ‎Indiana Convention Center & Lucas Oil Stadium: Most games are pretty normal. The work gets done. I had a sandwich for lunch and like most days didn’t expect much. Most of the time I suggest you do the same. Most people think turf management is simple work. It is. [pauses] Until it isn’t. Jim Delany, Big Ten Commissioner: I really didn’t see what happened at first. Most of the time when I watch a game, I’m focusing on the student-athlete, not the turf. That’s the focus at the Big Ten: On the development and growth of the student-athlete. Our revenue sports contribute to the university, not the other way around. Suite server at Lucas Oil Stadium: Commissioner Delany requested the Pol Roger Sir Winston Churchill because the Dom he brought to the suite was corked. Jim Delany: It’s our mission, and we take it seriously. Server: We only had some Cook’s. He was pissed—but he still drank it, lol. Jim Delany: But surprised? Oh sure. Paul Chryst, Wisconsin head football coach: It didn’t surprise me. Our offense is mostly based on plowing. Head referee Stan Johnson: I still don’t know what did it. It’s like the field saw all that Wisconsin coming and just gave up. Erik Harlow: I knew it was bad. Sometimes you hear it and just know. It’s a sixth sense you get in turf work. Paul Chryst: It’s a farmer’s offense, we like to say. One furrow at a time. Erik Harlow: You don’t ask for it. You either have it or you don’t. And I knew this was bad before I ever saw it. Jim Delany: It was important, and we acted quickly. I put my best man on it. Random Guy with a Green Rake: This big bald guy came runnin’ out in the street and told me to go buy “the biggest fuckin’ rake I could find for five bucks.” Random Guy with a Green Rake: Joke’s on him. I stole one off a city truck parked outside and kept the five bucks. Urban Meyer: 01001001 00100000 01100001 01101101 00100000 01101110 01101111 01110100 00100000 01100001 00100000 01100111 01110010 01100001 01110011 01110011 00100000 01100101 01111000 01110000 01100101 01110010 01110100 00101110 00100000 01001111 01110100 01101000 01100101 01110010 01110011 00100000 01110011 01101000 01101111 01110101 01101100 01100100 00100000 01100010 01100101 00100000 01100011 01101111 01101110 01110011 01110101 01101100 01110100 01100101 01100100 00101110 00100000 Head referee Stan Johnson: I went over told the coaches, hey, this isn’t safe, we have to suspend play until we get it fixed. We had 80,000 people waiting. Millions at home. All these people on social media, and we’re waiting on someone to fix a tear in the turf. Joel Klatt: It was a dangerous situation and I think they did the right thing. I just think they didn’t realize how dangerous situations breed other dangerous situations. The whole place becomes a pressure cooker. Not everyone handles that real well. Some worse than others. GUS JOHNSON FROM A PERCH ON THE CEILING HE IS CLINGING TO WITH HIS FINGERS AND TOES: OH MY GOD—- Joel Klatt: It can get dangerous GUS JOHNSON: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THE RIP!!!!! Joel Klatt: It took five EMTs and a crowbar to get him down. GUS JOHNSON: AAAAAAAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH—- [/falls off chair] Chuck Klosterman: There’s something very Midwestern about tearing a hole in a football field with your own heft. It’s quaint almost, like a kind of gravity of uncoolness. People from the Midwest get what I’m talking about. Like the feeling that your uncoolness will sink into the earth itself and anchor you there. It’s the football equivalent of a Hold Steady record in its self-conscious gravity. It is the Zen[...]



SHUTDOWN FULLCAST 7.46: RICH FOLKS ONLY IN JIMBO’S MENTIONS PLEASE

2017-12-04T09:32:37-05:00

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CHAMPIONSHIP WEEKEND REVIEWED (ALSO WHAT ARE YOU DOING ARIZONA STATE)

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Jimbo Fisher is the richest man in the world after this week, so please stay out of his mentions. It should be pointed out that rich folk only can touch Texas A&M's coach, now. Please keep your dirty peasant hands off him.

We review Championship Week on this week's episode, and drop it hot (and with at least two audio glitches) because a.) Ryan usually does the editing, and he's out for this episode and b.) We had to get it out the door before we left the country.

Topics covered include:

  • Bama got in the playoff and it's Greg Schiano's fault
  • Actually pretty much everything is Greg Schiano's fault
  • How not being as smart as Alabama really isn't something you wanna tell people about out loud
  • Why guys who say "I don't buy much, but when I do I get the best" are hoarding liars
  • A discussion of how the Gnat Belt is a real thing people think you're making up
  • College football is dead BUT SO IS THE NIGHT KING SO THERE
  • How Jimbo Fisher's massive contract might turn him into Texas A&M's largest booster AND its coach
  • The hilarity of a Wisconsin quarterback with the ball in the open field with only one man to beat
  • An important experiment involving Josh Rosen and Sam Darnold switching teams
  • A quick thumbnail sketch of the bowl season including THE BLUSTERIEST STORM TO EVER HIT TAMPA, THE OUTBACK BOWL INVOLVING BOTH WILL MUSCHAMP AND JIM HARBAUGH
  • Also Herm Edwards is actually the CEO or whatever of Arizona State football! YOU PLAY. TO WIN. FOUR GAMES
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SHUTDOWN FULLCAST 7.45: IT’S FOOTBALL TIME IN TENNESSEEE

2017-12-01T09:54:03-05:00

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MOSTLY BECAUSE THE BEST FOOTBALL TIME IN TENNESSEE IS THE OFFSEASON BUT STILL

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The shelf life of this episode might be a day were it not for the creation of Tennessee Batman, the best Batman, and certainly the only one whose superpowers include knowing the county judge as a gambling and fishing buddy. How else you gonna keep all those DUIs off the record and keep fighting crime in your battered King Ranch with all that trash in the back?

We recorded these before the Leach really rumors broke out, but everything is still so chaotic it really doesn’t matter.

Topics include:

  • Arizona State might be spending $15 million to hire one guy who hasn’t coached in college in thirty years!
  • Jimbo Fisher taking a donkey cart to A&M for contractual reasons
  • Jimbo Fisher’s radio show devolving into him playing his favorite banging 90s club tracks
  • Will the Big 12 trip on its own dick? (Probably!)
  • What would happen if a 1908 Quarterback showed up at the Manning Passing Academy?
  • Why Bama should show up in the Pac-12 Championship and see if anyone objects
  • The evil plan Sam Darnold and Josh Allen both used to avoid being drafted by the Jets
  • Seriously about 15 minutes about Lane Kiffin returning to Tennessee and hating on everything the program loves and being embraced for it
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WE SEE YOU ARKANSAS

2017-11-30T12:14:51-05:00

DON’T THINK WE’RE NOT WATCHING Don’t think you’re off the hook, Arkansas. Yes, everyone is watching Tennessee’s every stumble. No one can blame you for that. At this point, every moment for Tennessee in this coaching search is a scene of complete chaos and destruction, and always with a stuntman in a suit on fire. His job here is wandering around the background holding up a sign with the name of someone else Tennessee could hire, but will instead pass on for no reason whatsoever. Today it reads: “MIKE LEACH.” We see you, though. We know you’re out there waiting to see someone else mess this up, hand off your beer to a waiting bystander, and then swan dive off the cliff into the lake without looking. It’s what the brave do, and why they’re remembered fondly, and also why they’re “remembered” and not “appreciated.” Quietly, Arkansas might have made two or three of the most insane hiring decisions of the past two decades, all sort of just hanging out there because a.) It’s Arkansas, and b.) Some of them actually paid off. Examine the lunacy. Since 1997 Arkansas has: Hired Houston Nutt after one 5-6 season at Boise State, leaping into the marriage like they had one hot weekend in Biloxi and just went with it. IT WORKED FOR TEN YEARS WITH ONLY TWO LOSING SEASONS? It did, somehow, work. Oh in the middle of that Houston Nutt treated Gus Malzahn like an errand boy? Never forget that part. Went hard after Bobby Petrino ejecting from the Falcons, hiring him at midnight. AGAIN: IT MOSTLY WORKED SOMEHOW. Until it really, really didn’t in the ugliest manner imaginable Hired John L. Smith as an interim in the most brutally honest way possible: Giving him the rare ten month contract with the implied “there is no way in hell we’re renewing you.” Took Bret Bielema from Wisconsin after Arkansas’s AD got a nice note from him for his handling of the Petrino scandal, and then gave him a paralyzingly huge buyout and an obscene salary. IT WORKED okay it didn’t, like not one bit at all, sorry TL; DR: It’s been daredevil shit in Fayetteville for twenty years running. Arkansas is going to hire someone and, if you pay attention, it will be hilarious, risky, and based on their history and through no fault of their own, likely some sort of success? It will likely be sort of successful, and yet laughable and farcical all on its own. Did we mention who might be the perfect character actor for this particular role, with a history of success in the hinterlands of major conferences and a penchant for minor controversy? Who in his FBS career has also only coached for teams that wear red? SEE HE’S BOTH THE ONE AND TWO CANDIDATE Maybe we’re only mentioning him to see how irritated Nick Saban would get coaching in a 44-10 blowout of Arkansas that still takes four and a half hours away from Nick Saban’s recruiting schedule? We’re not just mentioning it for those reasons, but that is a nice bonus on top of all the other sense this makes for Arkansas. [...]