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The Ray

The musings of a college aged woman discovering the world and herself

Updated: 2014-10-06T17:40:11.471-07:00




Greetings all!

Carrie and I started a new blog together, The True Adventures of Carrie and Rachel and you should definitely check it out. We will be posting about lots of stuff, including the wedding, moving, traveling, what we're reading, what we're cooking, what we're watching, and more. Stay tuned, we will be posting at least once a week.

I hate to call it quits with this blog, I invested so much into it for so long. I will be back here periodically to update, but more now I will be focusing more on the new blog with Carrie.


Lost Time


Though I suppose it wasn't lost time at all, it was actually time very well spent!

I moved to Philadelphia in August 2011, after having graduated from college in May 2011 and had a horrible break up with Hillary and moved from Boston to Connecticut for a month in July 2011.

Life was extremely complicated for that brief period of time. I felt pretty lost and alone. There were times when I really wondered what everything was all about, if it was even worth it for me to go to seminary, if I really knew what I was doing with my life.

It's safe to say that now, February 2013, I still don't know if I really know what I am doing with my life. But I have never been this happy and content before.

I met Carrie and she changed my perspective on everything. If it wasn't for that nasty break up with Hillary, and those weeks of contemplating my life and spending a lot of time growing up, I never would have been ready to meet Carrie.

But she changed everything. It was like a lightbulb flicking on. Or like waking up from a dream, though sometimes I wonder if I'm not dreaming all of this.

When I lived in London I had the absolute time of my life. Everything was perfect, almost dreamlike. But this, this love with Carrie, it's so perfect.

Sure we argue, and we fight. Sometimes I feel like she is going to drive me insane. Other times I feel like my heart is going to explode with how much I adore her. She cooks for me, and take such good care of me. She holds my hand and smiles at me. She has the greatest smile! She kisses me goodbye in the morning. We have so much fun together, just being silly and laughing together. I feel content with her, and I know she feels content with me. I am absolutely in love with this person, the crazy passionate love that makes me feel foolish at times. But I can't imagine feeling any other way, I don't want to remember what it was like to not have Carrie in my life. And I can't wait to marry her in June. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life loving her. I am the luckiest person in the world.

Gettin' Hitched


It's really funny. I honestly never really thought about getting married or any of that. Lots of people spend their whole lives dreaming about their wedding day, and spend months or years making that day extravagant. But I'm just kind of like meh, if I'm married to Carrie at the end of the day that's really all that matters. Life has been crazy ever since I graduated from college in May 2011. I had been blogging pretty sporadically before then, but after I graduated, and had to abruptly move home that summer, and then I moved to Philadelphia in fall 2011... I just really lost track of things with this blog. I've said it before and I'll say it again now, I am going to make an effort to post here. Because not to toot my own horn but I lead a pretty random, weird, and fascinating (at times!) life. The wedding is on June 29, 2013 in Connecticut. There has been lots of drama surrounding the wedding, but for now I will leave you with some pictures of Carrie and I. As for school, I am in my fourth semester of seminary, loving it, getting lots of hands on ministry experience. I have A LOT to say about being a queer person in ministry, but I will save that for another time. Cheers, and I will be back soon! (image) (image) (image) (image) (image)

The Story of Us


Once upon a time there was this girl, then there was another girl, and they started talking. A lot. And they got along really well. The first girl started to really like the second girl, but didn’t know if the second girl liked the first girl back. The first girl was “a stupidhead” (Carrie’s words, not mine), and did something stupid, that resulted in the two girls temporarily disconnecting. She realized her error almost immediately.

One day the girl decided she couldn’t stand not talking to the other girl, so she got in touch with her, hoping she would talk to her but thinking she probably wouldn’t. The other girl was so happy to hear from the girl. And they reconnected. Over time they started flirting with each other. They fell in love almost immediately. After a short while the girl asked the other girl to be her girlfriend, and she said yes and they were both so ecstatic.

“And now they’re fiancees!” Carrie says. ”And they’re going to love each other forever, and they’re going to have lots of animals, and they’re going to have babies together, and they’re going to conquer the world. All because they fit each other, because they are each others soul mates. They are going to live happily ever after.”



I’ve been getting agitated lately by people (especially women) who see no problem with the status quo, wanting to be nothing more than men who will tell them what to do.

Here I am, a 22 year old female, with two Bachelor of Arts degrees, 17+ years of formal education, having worked 5+ jobs in my life, pursuing a Master of Divinity at a reputable theological seminary in the hopes of spending the rest of my life in a “man’s profession,” i.e. as a minister of word and sacrament. Every day I have to fight to prove that I am worthy of being here because I am young, I am a member of the LGBT community, but mostly because I am a woman.

And it’s just my job. I can’t help being compelled on this journey. I don’t have anything to prove, but I know in my heart that I am making the journey easier for my nieces, my future daughters, women yet to be born who will never have to appreciate the sacrifices we made in order for them to be viewed as equal human beings alongside their brothers because that dignity will just come naturally.

And yet there are women, women my age, who see nothing wrong with wanting nothing more out of life than a man.

Well I’m here to say that girls, you can be your own person. Your significant other doesn’t define you. You’re sexual orientation doesn’t define you. You’re age doesn’t define you. You’re sex, and your gender, do not define you. You are your own person, uniquely and wonderfully made. Love yourself and know that you can be whatever you want to be. If you want to be a homemaker, great, but please don’t box your sisters into that same fate. Let us grow, and strive to be all of the things we ever dreamed of. Let us become the dreams of our mothers, our grandmothers, our great grandmothers, our aunts, our friends, the dreams our fathers had for us when were infants, the dreams our grandfathers had for our mothers. Those dreams can become reality in us, if we simply keep on, and never give up fighting for what is ours: equality.

Let's Try This Again


I'm going to try and start blogging regularly on this blog from now on. I feel guilty for neglecting it.

An update on my life: I just began my second semester at seminary. I am absolutely in love with seminary, and the city, and everything I am learning and all of the friends I am making. Truly this is where I am supposed to be right now.

I started a new relationship with a wonderful human being in October. I have never fallen so hard and so fast for someone. When she looks at me I feel like I am home, no one has ever looked at me the way that Carrie does. She is beautiful both inside and outside, and I love her more than words. She asked me to marry her on December 26th, and I accepted. We will be legally uniting our lives this summer and moving in together on my seminary campus in the fall and we will be formally married on June 22, 2013.

I am going to attempt to blog regularly, and hopefully I can keep that promise to myself. I still have a lot to say. I'm not the idealistic 18 year old I was when I started this blog, but life is so funny sometimes. I need a place to put all of my thoughts, my concerns, my worries, everything. I know a lot about the world, more now than I did six months ago, 12 months ago, five years ago, but I still have a lot of learning to do.

Allow Me To Reintroduce Myself!


Well a lot has happened since I last posted. A heck of a lot!

I graduated from college in May, with honors and all that jazz. I stayed in the apartment with H until very recently, when I found out she was cheating on me again, this time with a friend of mine.

Betrayal bites. But I learned my lesson, I can't be so trusting. And My UHaul days are behind me haha.

Now for the big big news: I am going to SEMINARY soon! (Future) Pastor Rachel in the haus yawl! This is a very exciting, scary, anxiety producing, but mostly exciting, time in my life. I am so blessed, so happy to have these last few weeks with my friends and family before going off to school (another 4 years, but I'll be home off and on).

I have a lot of thoughts on seminary, and on everything that has been going on in my life lately, and this blog is simply too outdated for me.

I've grown up so much in the last few months, probably most especially ever since I graduated in May. I've learned a lot about life, relationships, toxic people, my true friends, and most importantly I've learned a lot about myself and what I am capable of. I am so much stronger, and wiser, for everything I have gone through. When I get to seminary I'll probably send H a postcard thanking her for being the heinous c u next Tuesday that she is, lest I would still be the innocent and naive little girl playing house, giving up my dreams so I could stay with a treacherous snake like her.

Moving on.

All that being said: I am going to start a new blog, and probably link it back to this one but we shall see. I need a nice clean slate. Moving hundreds of miles away, fresh start, fresh city, and a fresh blog for me to write all about my new life.

Hope all is well out there in blogland, sorry I have neglected this sad old blog. But I am so happy now, so content, so grown up and ready for life to truly begin.


Finding Love and Acceptance


The coming out process is often very difficult for the individual identifying as GLBT or Q. Sometimes (and in fact, more often than not) it is also difficult for that individual's family and friends. I have been blessed with family and friends who could not care less, and who truly desire only that I be happy. Many people, when coming out, hear family members or friends say that they only want their happiness, but in the end if they cannot conform to their family/friends' picture of their happiness, they become unhappy (or at the very worst, insane trying to conform).

It is a struggle to accept who one is, particularly if one does not fit the bill for the "normal" person (obviously depending upon one's culture, gender, upbringing, etc.) That struggle is only compounded when one can't truly be oneself around the most important people, or when family or friends are perpetually of the belief that in time, one can change. Sexuality is fluid, but not so fluid as to completely alter one's mindset.

What I'm trying desperately to say is that, if you have ever come out, you know how terrifying it can be. You know how lonely is can feel, even though so many people have done it before you and so many will follow. If you haven't come out, or you are struggling, don't isolate yourself from the people around you. They love you and they want the best for you. If at the end of the day they don't make you feel good about yourself, let them know. If they make you outright feel bad about yourself, cut them out of your life as best you can, and make sure they are aware that they are loosing you, you are not loosing them.

The phrase "all you need is love" is only partially true, and perhaps misleading. We all need love, yes, but we also need to love ourselves. If you don't love yourself you cannot POSSIBLY love anyone else, and if you don't respect yourself you cannot respect anyone else. Certainly love and respect come from within, but they are taught from without, and a great deal of learning is necessary when one sees the lack of love and respect in one's life. If you have no love in your life, find it, and find it within yourself before you go looking for it with someone else. We are all very good at something or another, and when you find what it is, cling to it with iron talons.

I'm so grateful to the people who love me, and I know if I told them that they would be glad to hear me say it, but also sad that it is necessary to be thankful for love and acceptance when both of those things should be given freely. I hope that everyone who is struggling to accept themselves can come to find love, acceptance and peace with themselves.

Much Better


I just needed some time. Obviously things aren't 100%, and who knows they might not be for a very long time, but I'm thinking right now I'm at around 50-75%. I can't let it get me down because I need to focus on my life, my studies and my future.

I can't just sit around and wallow all day, nor do I want to. Tomorrow night I'm going out drinking with one of my best friends, Thursday night I'm probably doing the same, and this weekend is going to be a shitshow (the Berlin Fair in CT, if you're in the area you should go, it's a little on the hillbilly side but it's fantastic). I'm 21 years old and I have to do me, and if others try and get me down I just have to cut them out of my life. It's hard because we live together, and because I want to be her friend and so much of me wants to go back to being in a romantic relationship with her, but I can't force anything right now. The only thing I can force is the smile on my face, whether faked or genuine. There are people in my life who need me to be strong and need me to keep trudging uphill, and so that's what I'm going to do. And some day I'm going to get back to the top of the hill, look down and say "I made it home."

For right now I feel like I'm three people trapped in one person's body (not like dissociative identity disorder or anything), and it's kind of funny because it took this huge blow out break up to make me see it. I feel like the person I was before I studied abroad, the person I was when I was abroad, and the person I am not (post-study abroad) are all battling it out to see who will get to control me. I grew up so much when I was abroad, enough to see that some things matter less than others (especially at 21 years). I learned that when you fall, sometimes the only person who can pick you up is you, no matter who tries to grad your hand and pull you up. The person I used to be though didn't know those things, was very dependent and immature. When I was abroad I shined it on like I was brave, but inside I was terrified more often then not. So now I have the kid, the coward, and the adult fighting for the claim over my personality.

The only thing all three of those people have in common is that eventually, maybe not right away but eventually, they all accept what is happening and learn to deal. And if that isn't a blessing I don't know what is.

So life isn't great right now, but it is good and it is real and here and everything wonderful. I believe I've said before that to feel anything, be it pain, anger, joy, fear, or any of the multitude of adjectives to describe human emotion, is not truly the "point" in life. The point in life is to feel anything and everything and appreciate the gift of emotion for what it is. If we are feeling, we are alive.



So Hillary has been cheating on me with her ex boyfriend. She cheated on me "five times" between "February, 2010 and July, 2010."

I am absolutely devastated. I thought she was the love of me life, I thought I would marry her. She is my first real love, and I still love and care about her so deeply. She says she loves and cares about me, too, and that her cheating "wasn't a personal attack on" me but that she was "confused" and didn't think she was "gay enough" for me. But how can someone cheat when they truly love and care about the person they are in a relationship with? Why couldn't she talk to me about how she was feeling instead of sleeping with her ex?

She always told me not to worry about him. He was her first love, the only guy she ever really enjoyed sleeping with, but he never had an interest in her after he broke her heart in high school, and she pined after him like a lost puppy. They were "just good friends" who talked frequently enough. I never met him, she wouldn't allow me to meet him, even though she talked about him enough. So last night she told me that they have been fucking, for lack of a better expression, in our bed, in our apartment.

I am completely at a loss. I had every opportunity to cheat on her, when I was abroad and when I was home, and I never did. AND an ex is an ex for a reason, as I say, and once that drama is over it's over for good.

I haven't slept in over 30 hours and I haven't eaten anything. There was a period of time that I couldn't stop crying. I just kept saying "no, no, no, tell me you're lying." It brought back so many different memories. It reminded me of when my father died, losing a huge piece of myself that would never be replaced. It reminded me of when I was 14 and I was sexually assaulted and I lost my innocence. I was totally violated, and this situation makes me feel dirty, violated and wrong.

Just last Saturday she was holding my hand at a party, trying to pull me into the bathroom with her. She didn't seem too confused then. Why has she been stringing me along all these months just to devastate me now? What if we had gotten married and I learned the truth too late?

She wants my forgiveness, she wants to try and rebuild this relationship and repair my heart. I don't know if I will be able to do that. I am so enraged right now, and so depressed, and so lost. I love her and care about her, but I am entirely unsure as to what to do.

Any advice?

A History of Immigration


I read a lot of blogs focusing on a wide variety of issues. I read a pro-choice blog, an anti-conservative blog, and anti-racist blog, an anti-tea bagger blog, etc. Mainly they are just ways to pass the time when I'm not busy, ways to have a good laugh. More and more frequently, however, reading these blogs has become very disturbing, for a number of reasons. First, the amount of suggested violence on the part of the "bigots," "right-wingers," "anti-choicers," "tea partiers," etc. is very unsettling. Though I have never seen a "liberal" (or rather a "non-vitriolic conservative") suggest violence on or against anyone, I am sure it has happened. It alarms me that we as a country have apparently completely polarized ourselves. Either we are extreme liberals or extreme conservatives, there can be no middle ground. To me it reeks of civil war, which I am sure many conservatives would be pleased with (go ahead, Texas and Virginia, break away from the Union). When I think of the modern two-party system in America, I have visions of a World War I battlefield, with trenches dug on either side of a muddied field, with decapitated trees and lifeless grass laying immobile surrounded by the rigid bodies of young people sent far from their homes to defend an intangible cause.It truly scares me, to know that there are people in this very country who feel enough hatred of gays, liberals, pro-choicers, non-Christians, non-whites, etc. that they would put their lives on the line. Often in the name of Christ.It's really terrifying, if you think about it. I want to move to Canada so badly some times, but the process of becoming a Canadian citizen (while easier than becoming an American citizen) is daunting, and only if you have a job offer or a family member petitioning for you can you begin the citizenship process. I looked into going to seminary in Canada, but the Lutheran Church of Canada only ordains males and is one of the few Canadian organizations that openly does not acknowledge the Canadian ruling to allow same-sex marriage. As someone who is strongly considering seminary post-undergraduate graduation, and unwilling to switch denominations, it seems as though a move to Canada is out of the question.Thinking of these things got my blood boiling regarding immigration in the United States. The other day I read an article about a young illegal alien who, driving drunk, killed a nun and injured two others. The nuns' order is ashamed that the killing of this nun by this young man has caused such a political debate surrounding immigration. The young man had MANY infractions against his driving record, he had driven drunk many times and it was not his first drunk driving accident. In 2008 a judge was set to rule at the closing of his deportation hearings, but the ruling has apparently been in limbo for the past two years, as he has not been deported. We religious folk are commanded to be forgiving (hard as it is almost all of the time), and certainly those three nuns would forgive this young man, if they could, though they would also likely want him to pay for his crimes (grant under Caeser what is Caeser's, after all). But the fact that he is an illegal immigrant complicates the situation, to the extreme.So I got to thinking, aren't we all technically illegal immigrants, besides 100% Native Americans? If you look back on the history of this hemisphere, North, Central and South America have always been populated by native peoples. During the shifting of the continents the native people were separated and lived nomadic lifestyles of hunting, gathering, fishing and worshipping. While in Europe, the Middle East and Asia technology began to rapidly expand (as a result of all of those civilizations being so close together), the indiginous peoples of the [...]

Catching Up


I haven't blogged in a long time, so I'm gonna.Summer is going by EXTREMELY fast, hence the lack of blogging. I was offered three jobs at the beginning of the summer, but then I found out that I got an independent study in Cambridge next year and my honors thesis proposal for the English department was accepted, so I declined one of the jobs so that I could work on getting ready for both of those things. Needless to say, I'm poor, but I'm not unhappy. And if and when I get into graduate school next year, I will be even more poor. So it goes.So much has happened since I last blogged! I went to the conference for my church, and it was really really awesome I had a wonderful time. Lots of worship, food, time to hang out with my pastor, voting on resolutions (including a resolution to denounce the Arizona immigration initiative).I turned 21 on June 12. It's not as much fun as it's cracked up to be, but I LOVE being able to buy myself alcohol when I go to the grocery store or the liquor store. In college when you're under 21 you're pretty limited to Bud Lite (if you're lucky) or Mich lite (if you're even luckier), but there are so many more varities to choose from. I'm becoming a beer snob. If you're ever in the Massachusetts area try Wachusett Mountain Blueberry beer, so good.I'm house sitting for one of my employers while she is on vacation for a month, and she has a pool so it's pretty freakin sweet. She's a really wonderful person on top of having a pool and a yard (I miss having outdoor space, so it's amazing for me to be able to go to her house and just hang out outside), I'm really lucky that she found me and we get along.We went to see Dave Matthews a few days before my birthday, the concert was really good actually. I thought Dave might suck live, for some reason, but he was really good. Boyd Tinsley, however, Dave's violinist, definitely stole the show. I'd go straight for Boyd, what a looker.Last weekend was my family reunion weekend, which got ever the complicated by the fact that Hillary and I were going to see Brandi Carlile at the Casino Ballroom in Hampton, NH Friday night, the reunion was Saturday in the Catskills in NY (and my whole family was there from Friday to Sunday at the campground), and we were going to see Lilith Fair in Hartford on Sunday. Brandi was awesome, per usual (if you ever have the chance to see Brandi live, do it!), but we ended up leaving NH around 11 pm, and we drove straight to NY and ended up pulling into the camp site around 4:30 in the morning. We woke up Saturday around 11 and did the reunion thing, which was a lot of fun as it always is (it just always goes by so quickly). Sunday morning we left around 10 am or so and drove to my house in CT, got there around 1 and had to turn around and grab some lunch and head over to the Meadows in Hartford.I'm going to be real for a second and say that I was a might bit disappointed in Lilith Fair. I guess I just always had this perception that it would be this amazing eye opening chick rock experience, and to an extent it was but on a SUPER small scale. When I think chick rock I think Brandi Carlile, Indigo Girls, Alanis Morisette, Sarah McLachlan, Sinead O'Connor, Sheryl Crowe, Tegan and Sara, the Dixie Chicks, Ani Difranco, Cyndi Lauper, to name a VERY few. As much as Ingrid Michaelson, Cat Power and Sarah Barellis were good (Cat Power to a lesser extent), they don't strike me as timeless the way any and all of the aforementioned artists do. In any event, the Indigo Girls were fantastic live, everything I hoped for and so much more. Sarah McLachlan kind of disappointed me, I won't lie, and 'Ice Cream' almost made up for it, but not really. She just didn't sound the way I expected she would, whereas the Indigo Girls were up[...]

My Awesome Week


I seem to be having the best luck lately. I s'pose I'll start with the beginning of last week.My college, like the rest of the world, is very low on funds. It is an extremely small college, and therefore tuition/room/board have all gone up. Faculty and staff salaries have been cut and cut and cut. Finally, they made the decision to let some faculty members go. They did this without consulting or even notifying the students.My involvement with this bull**** started way back in February or March when one of the Sisters, formerly the president of the college, died, and no one notified us (the only way I found out was because Hillary got an email about it, since she is a staff member). I was so rip**** thatI bitched and bitched until they sent out a student and alum-wide email (I felt particularly strongly about this because this particular Sister, besides being a sweet woman whom I had seen many times in the gym and the cafeteria, was the president of the college when my mother attended). Then the Dean of the School of the Arts and Sciences resigned, to move on to a new position elsewhere, and students again were not notified. This time I did everything I could to spread the news and alert students to the fact that we were all, basically, being lied to by omission. Then I found out about the professors being laid off and s**t really hit the fan. Last Monday I helped organise a student run protest/forum to start spreading the information that was being with held. I really pissed a lot of people off, but I feel that, we are paying enough money to go to college that we should be told the truth and kept informed about decisions made regarding our education and the college itself. One of the people who helped organise it with me got fired from his on-campus job and lost his housing. Another person was threatened that, if she attended to event, she would not receive the award she was schedulued to receive at baccalaureate. Another person was told that if she wanted to keep her position as president of the senior class, she would not allow the event to go on. They tried to get to me through Hillary. These people are monsters, and I will do everything in my power to make their lives miserable. Threatening 20 year olds, really mature. The event was very successful, and we are well on our way to open communication. But as long as the slimeballs who run this college are still employed, I still have work to do.I connected with an alum of the college, who lives in the same town as the college, who also has beef with the "big 4" (the big admins of the school). She's very intelligent, and also very funny, and she graduated a year after my mother, which is really cool. She offered me a job this summer helping her out with office stuff and working with the GSA in the town, which she started and runs. I am SO pumped! This happened on Tuesday.I've been applying to tons of jobs lately. I recently got a call from one place, and I had my interview yesterday and I basically have the job. It's in retail, and I have no retail experience but I'm pretty friendly and it will be great to have something to do this summer (and to be saving money for grad school).I got a call the other night from the new pastor of my church (she's the temporary pastor, but she's a really nice lady) and she wants me to be one of three representatives (voting members) of our church who attend this year's Synod Assembly. It's basically this huge church meeting that takes three days. I think churches from six states will be attending (the New England Synod of the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America), so there will be lots of people and it's a really big deal. I am so honored, and unfortunately it's the weekend right before [...]

Sister Act


I was talking about the future with my friends at lunch today, and it occurred to me...

I've always wanted to be a Nun, but I've never been Catholic. I've always wanted to go to graduate school and eventually get my PhD. I want to teach at university.

Everyone knows all nuns are closet lesbians, and if the nuns walking around campus at my college are any testiment the validity of that fact... well let's just say it's accurate. (I go to a Catholic College founded and run by nuns.) I would totally fit right in.

And so it hit me: I should become a nun, have the Catholic Church PAY for the rest of my education (masters degree, PhD, etc. etc.), PAY for my living situation, and GET me a job! And then if I feel like it, I can stop being a nun after all that's taken care of. I like doing good deeds for the underserved, I love helping people, and I LOVE being in college. Being a sister would just be awesome, I don't know why I haven't thought it of before...

But I'm not Catholic. And I'm living in sin with another woman (and our two cats). This could get complicated.

If all else fails, I will just have to take our crazy amounts of loan and be in debt until I'm 200.

Hypothetically Speaking...


I just wanted to stop in and clear something up really quick, for anyone and everyone who might stumble upon this most humble and neglected blog.

If a man (say he is an American, mid thirties, well-educated, well-connected to the community, with a respectable job, living in a major metropolitan area) molests/rapes a child (the sex/gender of the child is not important), he immediately becomes a pariah, shunned from the community and very likely his own family. He will most likely loose his job (and his income), custody of any and all of his children (when his partner divorces him), and he will be sent to prison for a period of time. When news of the crime begins to spread, he will be ostracized to the highest degree. When he is released from prison, after much therapy, he will be on probation for a term signifantly longer than his prison sentance (depending on the severity of the crime, the number of children, state laws, etc.). He will still receive death threats in the mail. He will fear for his life every second of every day until his life is no more.

And that's the way it should be.

But if a group of men (say they are between the ages of 25 and 100, all well-educated, well-connected, prominent members of their respective communities, living in many towns, villages and cities across the world) collective molest and or rape MILLIONS of children, they get a slap on the wrist and are allowed to go about their work.

It seems to me as though when we are talking about an organization doing evil dispicable things, the organization is never corrected or held responsible. Individual people are held accountable for the actions of the organization. An organization is only as powerful as its weakest member, and the weakest members of the organization of which I speak are the innocent children who were raped by the aforementioned men. Every time a priest laid a hand on a child, the Catholic Church was virtually molested.

And now they blame everyone but themselves for the actions of... THEMSELVES!

If you are a Catholic, I pray that you find peace in this time of great distress for the Church. If you are a Christian, I pray that you know that the actions of the Catholic Church (and yes, by this I mean the entire Church, NO ONE is blameless) do not reflect the teachings of Jesus Christ. And if you are a human being, I pray that you work with your fellow human beings to create a better world, where children can go to Sunday School without fearing for their innocence.



I get hit on occasionally, it's never really anything to write home about and for the most part I keep it to myself. I'm in a committed relationship (the term "committed" makes me think of padded walls), living with my girlfriend of one year and four months and our cats doing, the domesticated thing.The last time I reallly got hit on I was buying a new pair of hiking shoes at Eastern Mountain Sport. I walked over to the wall-o-shoes looking for the pair I wanted and this chick descended upon me like no one's business. If I had been single (or a lesser person) I totally would have flirted back. There is a girl who keeps coming back to my work (I help students at my school with papers) and signing up for my time blocks and sitting realllly close to me when I'm working with her. When her fingers brushed my hand one time it was everything I could do to not fall straight out of my chair. That was less being hit on and more being bashed over the head, in my opinion (in that there was nothing subtled about that action).I usually tell Hillary when I get hit on, I don't know why. Maybe it's a subconscious desire to make her jealous. Maybe it's a subtle hint to her that she best appreciate what she has (because if she doesn't someone else will appreciate it for her). For the most part we have a good relationship, certainly better than average. The fact that we enjoy cooking together and cleaning together (most of the time) definitely helps, and being able to sit quietly and read or write or do homework without disturbing each other (again, most of the time) is good. A lot of the time we bicker like sisters, and then I wonder to myself "is this really what I want?" I don't know if this is really what I want. I don't know if I want to be twenty years old and in a committed relationship, I'd love to be able to go out with that girl from my job. Sometimes in the morning though, when the orange morning sun is peeking through the curtains in the bedroom, the glow will land just right on Hillary's hair and I'll see more clearly how beautiful she is, how beautiful she always is. I'll remember all the good times we have and have had and will continue to have, forgetting all the rough patches and all the (really) bad times. I'll reach my arm around her waist and pull her in to me really tight, and when the alarm clock goes off at 7:30 she'll wake up in my arms and it will be the start to a better, brighter day.I've been home in Connecticut since last Friday, and Hillary has been alone in the apartment. I bet she is lonely, and understandably so, but I needed some time to spend at my house with my mom and my friends and my animals over my spring break. Today Hillary called me and told me that some guy who she had a meeting with yesterday (a big meeting of the big shot college admission counselors) flirted with her today. I think it's funny, Hillary is so goofy it never even occurred to me that someone else would think she is attractive. She's a very attractive person, but she's just so darn goofy, and she's not a stereotypical pretty girl. She loves her job and she does it well, she's not out there to meet a man (or a woman, for that matter) so I guess I am kid of surprised at how presumptuous this guy was.Apparently he emailed her asking her about something from their big meeting yesterday and they emailed back and forth about work stuff for a bit and then he asked her for her number (although, I have to wonder, why would you give some near-stranger your phone number?) and she gave it to him. He started texting her and initiated the flirting with something to the effect of "you should be happy that you have a cute gu[...]

Conservatives Beware


Sarah Palin admits to crossing Canadian border for health care

That was basically the best thing I heard all day. Thanks to the array of liberal blogs that I read daily, I am a very happy camper today.

I keep getting in fights (over facebook, no less) with one of my cousins. He is ten or so years older than I am, he dropped out of college and joined the Navy for seven years when he was my current age. He couldn't hack it at college, and he knew he couldn't hack it as a pilot like his father was in the Air Force and he didn't want to go to the front lines with the Army or the Marines, so he joined the Navy. Now, don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with that. The bottom line is, he didn't join the Navy because he is patriotic or felt a sense of duty to his country. He joined up because he didn't want to get shot at, to learn new skills or have to really do anything. He joined the Navy and worked in the boiler rooms as someone who keeps the ship running because he just could not hack it in the real world, either finishing college or getting a job.

He dropped out of college because they asked him to leave because he is/was an alcoholic and never went to class or did his work.

And he's a conservative bigot who thinks that, because he is a white heterosexual male (with a wife and three little boys, who will all be brainwashed by their good for nothing father) he is entitled to put others down and his opinion is always right.

We fight about everything, because he is "extremely right" and I am "extremely left." He thinks socialism is the worst idea he's (n)ever heard, and I think, after extensive reading and studying the matter, that socialism is one of the best economic systems imaginable.

He doesn't want to do his research, he doesn't want to hear what the other side has to say. All he wants is to spout off his opinions and for everyone to hear him and tell him how right he is.

Well I'm simply not going to do that. I'm not going to go belly up to him because he is a white heterosexual American male with too much free time and not enough common sense. And that pisses him off to no end.

If, at the end of the day, I can sufficiently piss off a conservative, I have done my job, and it will have been a good day.

The only word of advice I have for conservatives: do your research. If you're going to say this that and the other thing about socialism, make sure you've actually read the Communist Manifesto. If you say that socialism and communism are the same thing, you sound like a dumbass so go back to middle school. I read the Communist Manifesto for the first time in the 7th grade. Now, I know that many conservatives didn't make it that far in their education, since they were too busy worshipping idols and preparing for the rapture, but there is no excuse for talking about things that you haven't researched.

If you come to me spouting off your ideas and telling me that I'm wrong (unless, of course, I am wrong. There is nothing wrong with being wrong, there is something wrong with being wrong AND STILL trying to impress yours wrongness on others), I will ram you into the ground with knowledge and vitriol so hard that you'll have to go crying back to your mommy.

Nothing would satisfy me more than to know that I've made my 30 year old cousin go crying to my aunt because I schooled him over facebook.



As you may or may not know, I'm twenty years old.

I'm a public high school graduate from Connecticut and a junior at a private liberal arts college in Massachusetts. I'm the daughter of a woman who has worked all her life, the widow of a victim of cancer (my father, one of the most wonderful human beings to ever walk this Earth), who will hopefully be able to retire in fifteen years or so in her early seventies.

Next May I'll be graduating with a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology and a Bachelor of Arts in English. This time next year I will have applied (and hopefully have been accepted to) graduate schools in both counseling or clinical psychology, PsyD programs or MA or PhD programs in English. In the next ten years I hope to get either a PsyD or PhD in counseling/clinical psychology or a PhD in English Literature.

I wonder if every college junior gets as worried as I am now. I'm painfully aware that I'm a type A personality (though most people don't use that classification anymore) and that I get stressed out very easily, but this just seems like so much to be dealing with at one point in time.

Not only do I have to worry about my school work, about my job and about getting jobs and internships lined up in my fields, but I have to worry about graduate school and post-grad and where I want to be in the next 3/5/8/10 years.

I worry so much that in ten years, when I'm thirty and my mom is in her mid-sixties, I'll (hopefully) finally be in a financial position where I can have children and my mom will be too old to enjoy her grandchildren. I worry that with all this education and all the money I'm spending on this education I'll never be in a position where I can support a family financially. I'll always be paying off loans and living in a one-bedroom apartment with screaming babies in the hallway.

I'm just worried I guess, stressed out about everything. Everyone always reminds me that they're XX years old and they still don't know what they want to do with their lives, and that's perfectly fine but I am so worried that if I follow my dreams of getting my education and my PhD and wait another 10,15,20 years to start a family my mother and my aunts and uncles are never going to be able to enjoy my children the way they enjoy my cousin's children (my cousins are mostly significantly older than I am).

It's a lot to think about it so I guess I should just try to worry less, but that's hard to do when you're me.

Been a While


It's been a while since I last posted a blog. I've been pretty busy with getting back to school in the states, adjusting to the apartment, moving two of the cats here, dealing with a whole bunch of shenanigans which I will get to in a minute, and just living my life, basically. I mean to come back to blogging, but it's hard when you feel like you don't really have anything constructive to say. It's been an incredibly rough 2010, and I put on a brave face but mostly I am becoming increasingly aware that everything is not okay, and for all I know right now things may never be okay again. But I'm hanging on to the hope that things will get better soon.So as anyone who has read this knows, my rabbit Buns died at the beginning of January. He was the best rabbit ever, but not only that he was a good friend too. I relate better to animals than to people, because animals just listen. They don't give you their advice or choose sides. Buns was like that in many ways, I could just talk to him and stroke his long golden-red ears and he would just sit quietly twitching his nose and staring up at me. The thing I miss the most about him, I think, is that whenever my mom and I would argue and raise our voices Buns would stamp his feet as if to say "enough!" I realize that he was probably very sensitive to loud noises and shouting, but I like to think that he was the voice of reason in an unreasonable environment. The voice of reason is gone now. In a lot of ways it just feels like everything is falling apart.We went to Disney World as a family a few days after Buns died. It was my mom, me, my aunt, my other aunt and my uncle, her two daughters, their husbands, their total of five children, and my mom's friend Naveen and his wife. Naveen was the cause of the drama at my birthday (the reason why I wish I could forget that I even have a birthday), and he managed to cause drama at Disney too. There was a huge fight in the Magic Kingdom between my mom and my aunt, causing my other aunt to come outside brandishing her cane at the two of them. It was really very funny, but on a deeper level it was disturbing. My mom is willing to be cruel and violent (she pushed my aunt, her older sister, in the Magic Kingdom of all places) to the people she proportedly loves over this person whom she has known for all of four years. I don't want to spend time with Naveen, and I particularly don't want to spend time with my mother and Naveen because I will always lose when it comes to him.My Pastor retired on Valentine's Day. It was one of the most pathetically sad days of my life. Pastor could barely get the sermon out without crying, and I was practically sobbing in the back of the church. I got some really good pictures with him but no picture can capture what he truly means to me. As far as I am concerned, Pastor is the person who saved me from myself when I was a lost 15 year old girl, struggling with a whole slew of issues that no person, much less a 15 year old, should have to deal with. He sat and talked with me once a week for a year before I was ready to be Baptised and confirmed, but sitting and talking with me and listening to me and giving me his undivided attention was exactly what I needed then. He never felt sorry for me, and in truth I never told him half of the things that were on my mind, but he gave me a new life, which is something I can never thank him enough for. And now he is out of my religious life and I am so afraid that he is going to be out of my life for good, in that I no longer live in my hometown and I can barely keep in[...]

New Apartment


Hey! Sorry it's been a while, good ole blog, but I have been busy.

I recently moved into the apartment with Hillary. It's pretty adorable, it's a one bedroom with slightly off white painted walls, parquet flooring, a built in bookshelf with an antique pencil sharpener screwed into the wall (the building used to be an office building). We're getting heat, hot water and electricity covered with the cost of monthly rent, and cable and internet (which we had installed today, hence the blogging) for $55 total a month (for the cable and internet, not the whole place hah). So basically we're living cheaply, but it's wonderful.

I might be a little bored though, I just organised my 40 Disney DVDs in the order that they were created, starting with Snow White and ending with Wall-E. I have about 100 more DVDs to organise tomorrow. I got the Wii for Christmas, which will be fun to play around with.

Moving into the apartment was stressful, and exhausting. I've been going to sleep between 9 and 10 at night and waking up between 7:30 and 9 am. I'm looking forward to getting back to classes starting next Tuesday, and I have a pretty... interesting schedule, to say the least. Getting up and awake and ready in time for a 9 am two days a week is going to be trying, particularly because I'll be up late studying and doing homework. Getting back into the swing of things will be good though, I feel like last semester was just a vacation from reality.

Living with Hillary is fun, so far at least. Cooking together and doing dishes together are good times. I'm looking forward to having some weekend mornings where we can "sleep in" until 9 am and have pancakes and mimosas.

Just kidding about the mimosas. Mostly.

I hope everyone out there is doing well, lots of prayers and good thoughts for the people in Haiti after the earthquake today.



After a relatively debacle-free day (despite our flight from JFK to Logan being canceled due to the "blizzard" and having to be picked up at JFK, which is the same distance from my house as Logan so it's whatever), I get home to discover that my beloved rabbit, Mr. Bunnykins aka Buns, the greatest rabbit who ever lived, is dying. He is having some type of neurological issue, which is always the hardest to watch in animals (and in people). He doesn't appear to be suffering at this point, except he can't get up. We feed him and help him to his water and give him as many yogurt chips as he'd like and cuddle with him until he falls to sleep, but it breaks my heart when I open his cage to help him do something and he tries to get up to come over to the opening to the cage so I can give him the kiss I always give him every time I get him and every time I put him back, but he can't get up for his kiss. So I melt into a puddle of tears and kiss him and hold him until he is practically drenched in my tears.

I've had Buns since between the fifth and sixth grade, and I'm a junior in college now. That would make him about... ten years old or so, give or take a few years. He's on the high end for the life expectancy of an indoor rabbit, he's been treated well his entire life with us (we adopted him from the Humane Society, his previous life is a mystery), allowed to roam around the living room and to play with the cats. I never even scolded him for all the things he's destroyed, like blankets, shirts, shoe laces, or the time he chewed through the electrical cord for the lamp in the living room (this rabbit must have nine lives).

He's mostly just one of the best friends I've ever had. He always greeted me when I got home. A lot of the time my cat wanted nothing to do with me, my dog is too flighty to care, but Buns always cares about me and comes right up asking for a kiss on the nose, and he always gets it, and I always scratch him in the soft spot right between his ears.

I feel like I betrayed hi by being gone for four months when I knew he was old, and I knew he wasn't terribly well when I left. He apparently just got really sick in the past week, since Friday. I hope he isn't suffering, and if he appears to be suffering we will not allow that to continue. He deserves so much better than to suffer anything, he is such a good friend and a gentle soul.

Now my cat is laying on one side of my legs as I'm lying in my own bed typing these words and my dog is laying on the other side, eyeing me to make sure that I don't leave ever again.

My mom and two of my very best friends picked me up at JFK, which was just too wonderful. I was so happy to see them.

I'm so glad to be home. I wish Buns could live forever, but I know that's an impossibility. Soon, and hopefully with little pain, he will be with my daddy and Candy and Kashi and Ducky and all the little creatures that went before. I firmly believe that God has a special place in Heaven for animals, and I know that Buns will have an endless supply of yogurt chips and enough newspaper to rip up for ever.

Going Home


Today is my last full day in London. We just got back from Belgium last night. Brussels, Bruges and Ghent are all very beautiful cities, full of history and absolutely spectacular architecture, but they had a horrendous snow storm while we were there (on a walking tour, no less) which put a damper on things, so to speak.

Disneyland Paris was really cool, but it was no Disney World. The food was terrible and the service was pretty awful, but it was really cool to go to Disney in France. The experience itself was worth it, but I wouldn't voluntarily go back again (at the very least, I wouldn't pay money to go back again).

I've been MIA on the blog for a while now because of finals and last minute traveling and such, and I assume that once I get home I'll be pretty busy with the holidays and seeing friends and family, so this may be my last post for a while. Finals are over now, and home is less than 24 hours away.

Everybody cross your fingers that the snowstorm predicted for Saturday-Sunday isn't as bad as they're saying it's supposed to be, so everyone can get home to their families for Christmas. Gosh I can't even wait to get home!

Dear Mother Nature,


To my dear and beloved friend, Mother Nature, how are you? I know we don't speak that often, as I rarely get sick.

But please, I'm absolutely begging you, don't give me the flu when I am going to Disneyland Paris this Friday. Don't give me the flu when I have two papers to write, four exams to take, two more trips to go on and my life to live.

Take my appetite, I'll drink tea. Give me a sore throat and a hellish-cough, I'll take cough drops and sudafed. Give me aches and pains and make it near impossible to get out of bed, I'll take advil. But don't give me all of the above combined, and more.

Hope you're having a good laugh at my expense, Mother Nature.


p.s. we're fighting

And if I'm Gloomy, Please Listen to Me, Till it's Talked Away


Paper writing makes me gloomy. I'm one down, two to go at this point. I finished my paper on Leonardo. What talent, too bad there is barely anything on this Earth left from his genius hand. It was between Leonardo and Michelangelo, and I have no doubt that Leonardo was the more genius of the two, and that Michelangelo was probably a psychopath and definitely a narcisist, so he doesn't really deserve my words.

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I've been in a Billie Holiday mood ever since Hillary left yesterday. I'm just about the most pathetic creature there ever was. I was not at all homesick until Hillary got here, and now I can't stop thinking about home. Everything about it makes me giddy.

I'm going to miss London though, it's such a dreamy place. I'm going to miss the way the lights in Piccadilly Circus reflect in the glittery pavement after a gentle London rain. I'm going to miss meandering through the halls of the National Gallery, or sitting on the steps of Trafalgar Square, staring out over Parliament, Big Ben and the Eye. I'm going to miss the plays and the musicals and how you're never too far from home in London. I am far from my home though, my real home, my creaky hardwood floors and my soft mattress, with the permeating smell of cats and rabbits and dogs and people all intermingling, with a warm cup of tea sitting beside the green chair in the living room. I miss traipsing into the house with my best friends at 10 pm, greeting my tired mother and taking over the living room of the basement, having tea parties or hot chocolate parties or pizza or everything in sight. The house feels so right when all my friends are there, because they're like a family to me. My family is so small, just me and my mom, and my best friends really make me feel like I have bunches of other sisters (and my brother Rob of course).

There's nothing in this world more pleasant to me than to be sitting in my living room, surrounded by my friends and my mom, drinking tea and talking or watching a movie.

I think when I get home, I'm going to hold on to those last few days in the house with all of my heart and all of my soul and make it last forever before I move to the apartment and everything changes. I'm ready for change, I just hope I remember what it feels like to be in my little brown house, surrounded by the best friends in the world and my mom, and to know that there is nothing better.



"Depressed" doesn't even begin to describe how I'm feeling right now.

Hillary left this afternoon to go back home to Boston, and oh how jealous I am of her. I can't wait to get home, I'm probably going to kiss the ground, the customs officers, the baggage handlers, everyone. I love it here in London and I've had such a great time but:

I. am. ready. to. get. my. ass. home.

I haven't been homesick this whole time. I've been sick of traveling, sick of being "on" all the time, sick of not being near my animals, sick of being around strangers 95% of the time and sick of not being with my family and friends, but none of that even compares to how sick, physically and emotionally, I feel over Hillary leaving.

I had to write about it because I can't just lay in my bed and cry all night, so I need to get this out.

Twenty-one days feels like an eternity. I'm just about ready to throw in the towel, but I know that would be ridiculous since I'd miss finals and fail all my classes. I just want to go home so badly at this point that it's the only thing on my mind.

Hillary brought me four of those easy mac in a cup things where all you do is add water and microwave, and I ate one for dinner tonight and I nearly cried with bliss, it was so delicious. I can't handle the food here anymore I think it will drive me insane. I miss my mom's leek and potato soup, I'd even take her crumby tendony chicken right about now. My roommate's family was here this week also and they fed me a homecooked dinner one night and I just about died.

At least when I'm missing Hillary when I'm home I can go for a drive in Rhonda and clear my head and blast my music, or wind down the streets of my town to the park, and hop out and smoke a cigarrette with my friend, or fall asleep in the green chair in the living room with my cat on my lap, watching the food network. But now I sound like my mother, which makes me even more miserable.

My roommate doesn't get back until tomorrow afternoon, so until then I am alone in this big old room. Loneliness is setting in.

I just hope Hillary knows how much I love her, and how much it meant to me that we could spend our one year anniversary together, and that we could start a new year together in Paris. As soon as I get home and we move into the apartment things will be absolutely blissful. I'm just hoping I don't feel this despondent for the next twenty-one days.