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# A PuRéE of LoVe and SuFfErInG

Updated: 2018-03-06T15:14:17.056+08:00

Lazy, Really Lazy, Friday

2014-10-31T18:56:24.776+08:00

So, it was official. Work for today was suspended starting 12 noon. It was a lazy day anyway, to begin with. I had a class 9 am but came in late, 30 minutes late. In the one hour I had left, I was able to discuss, with excitement and enthusiasm, quicksort, counting sort and radix sort, their implementations and time complexities as well. I hoped my enthusiasm rubbed off on some of my students.  I mean, who can not get excited about counting sort? An unsorted list getting sorted without doing any comparisons at all (excluding, of course, the comparisons in the conditions that would eventually stop the iteration)! I had to insert radix sort lest I'd be accused of too much excitement over a sorting algorithm that is helpful only when the list is composed of 1 digit numbers!

See, it was a lazy morning.

I also had the battery of Maki replaced with a brand new one! This time, I no longer have any excuse to not drive Maki around (believe it or not, after seven months, I haven't overcome my fear of crashing into another vehicle). Sigh.

And I just slept the whole afternoon! I don't think anyone can go any lazier than that!

So here I am, writing an entry for my blog, after like an eternity, bored.  What to do, what to do?

Oh, it's Halloween night! Party it is!

(Bonkers! I forgot. I don't party. I hate partying. Pfffft!)

And I Love Myself Too

2014-01-01T01:09:30.778+08:00

It has been more than 2 years since I last posted an article here. I've been meaning to write everything that comes to mind in this little corner of the cloud. But I've always managed to come up with reasons not to.

This is my first post for this year. Happy new year to all of us. I wish that all of us will have peace of mind this 2014. As for me, I wish more of the love and less of the suffering, if not absent.

I am going to move on this year. It's not going to be easy. I don't know how long it will take but I'll get there. I promise. You see, I have been holding on to a love that has been lost for a long time now. I have been holding on to something you never held on to and to something you'll never. I have let myself believe that you and I can be the envy of the stars. I have allowed myself to believe in a lie, the lie that is you.

So this year, I am going to cut the anchor that has been holding me down. I am cutting loose the anchor that is you.

Don't get me wrong. I don't hate you. I have loved every single moment that I have spent with you. I have loved every single memory I have of you. I have loved every single time I have spent thinking of you. I love you.

But And I love myself too. I just have to learn to love myself more.

Long Day

2011-09-20T18:40:03.997+08:00

It has been a really, really long day!

And it isn't over yet. I want to just dive in a pool filled with ice cubes and let it take all this away.

It isn't over yet. I'm starting to dread these words. Of course, by now you'd know I am no longer referring to my whining about this day taking too long already!

It isn't over yet. I don't want it to be over. Whatever it is. Whatever this is, I miss it.

Oh well, tomorrow is another day. And just like this day, it will be a long one too. I pray though that by tomorrow's end, this will be over too. I have been locked long enough in this self-made cage.

Sigh.

Happiness

2011-06-22T14:13:48.237+08:00

What to do next?

2011-02-04T14:54:37.712+08:00

Scraps: garbage or food that has been discarded.

Yes. Probably. Close. But worse.

At least scavengers enjoy garbage.

Like a poor man's dog, I was waiting. I wanted to be needed. I needed to be wanted. And so I endured what I was feeling then, when all this has started. I know I deserve something. I felt I deserved it, from him.

And right now, I know I've lost, everything. I can no longer stand the sad eyes that look back at me every time I face the mirror. I have ignored them for as long as I could.

No. Exactly. Here. Worst.

I am not worthy. I am nothing.

Time

2011-01-22T11:17:01.556+08:00

To make good my words on losing some inches, I bought a pair of running shoes (read: ukay-ukay). I thought it was going to be hell finding the right pair and price. Tag along your best bud with you and you will have a blast (she bought herself 4 pairs and she couldn't complain).

Right after, we went to Chinito's in Camins. I wanted to eat some Hungarian sausages! Chinito's serves their Hungarian sausage either with rice or mojos. It also comes with a macaroni salad and some buttered veggies. Mine was with rice (2 cups) and Toni's, mojos of course. And almost always, the macaroni salad is left untouched. We also added an order of Buffalo wings which is a staple when we go eat there. And for dessert? Death by chocolate! You guys should try it. It's served with some caramel sauce. The cake itself is food for the gods! The moist inside portions were warm and the best chocolate I ever had in a cake! Not too sweet, not too bitter (I am literally salivating right now).

It was wonderful, my night last night. I got to spend time with my best friend. I never knew I'd miss her that much. Good thing her beau is in Cebu. Peace Arns and some hugs for you...

I hope this is not that late in the year

2011-01-21T17:13:00.510+08:00

Hello, Are You There?

2010-11-25T15:37:54.851+08:00

Where are you? I miss your smile.
I miss the way the full moon lights up your face.
I miss the way the sun kisses your skin.
I miss the way you rock the world with your laughter.

You used to be happy, REALly happy.
You used to dance under the rain and just let loose.
You used to swim and just let the waves carry you.
You used to love, love yourself dearly.

What happened?
Where are you?
What are you doing to yourself?
Why did you let this be?

Come back to me and make me free again.
Come back.
Come back to me and tell me that the world is not a scary place.
Tell me that it was never scary.

The raindrops are heavy on your shoulders.
The grains of sand are painful on your face.
The sunlight is burning your skin.

Hush now. Hush.

I am Back!!

2010-11-13T18:01:08.106+08:00

I am definitely back! And I feel good about it. And I am feeling \$o lucky today! Yeah baby!!

I Quit You

2009-09-26T18:18:04.692+08:00

You have been making my day, all my days, for the last year. And I liked it that way. But I have to let go of this. It is not right. This is not right. I guess this is the only cure I know. It's true that bad days become the best when you are around. It is true that you make me smile before I finally close my eyes for a slumber late at night. But you see, you don't love me. You can't love me. It's not your fault. And it never was. This is the only cure for what I feel right now, when I wake up and open my eyes, squinting at the light coming from the rays of early morn sun. Too, squinting at the TRuTH.

And this is what makes this all the more painful, damn, you are my right kind of wrong.

Four Days

2010-11-13T17:55:58.247+08:00

I gave Manong tricycle driver 40 pesos for my fare. That was a very quiet, and chaotic ride at the same time. He dropped me at Valderoza Street near the CAP building.

I walked a few meters towards where we were to meet. One leg was hesitant, the other more hesitant. One part of me was telling, more like ordering me, to just go back home. This other part, this annoying other part, was telling to see this one through. But I already decided to see this one through the moment I alighted from the tricycle. All there was left to do was to force those legs to go take those steps.

I suddenly felt the world was turning around me. I felt pressure going up through my head and I started seeing black spots. I took a pause, took a deep breath. My legs were shaking.

Surprisingly, I found myself peering, quite nervously, through the glass doors of the restaurant. I was relieved. I saw no familiar faces.

There was a couple, to my right, browsing the menu and a rather stocky crew waiting for their orders. The woman was probably in her early 30s, the guy, I was not so sure of. His back was facing me. She was wearing a white collared top, sleeveless with raffles outlined around the pearl button line from her neck to her chest.

It was loudest pound I've ever felt in my entire life. Pictures of him whispering in my ear, his left hand holding mine, leading it gently to the headboard kept flashing. Before I could hear what he was trying to say, I was back to my self, turned left and walked to him.

There was a glass of iced tea. A teapot and the smell of Twining's four red fruits. He stood up, walked to the chair opposite his and pulled it out for me. There was something in his smile. It was heavy, almost sad. "Hi, he--llo," he stuttered. I sat and he went back to his seat.

Before he could say anything, "Steve, this has got to stop. Your wedding is in four days. I can't have this right now, not anymore."

"Exactly, my wedding is in four days and I can't stop thinking that I am going to make this big mistake."

"You've dreamed for that day to come. She loves you and you adore her. And this is going to be the envy of the stars, remember?"

"After what happened last night, I knew seeing this through is going to be the biggest mistake that I'll ever do, and I can't make that mistake. I won't. I won't make us miserable for the ..."

"What happened last night, that was the mistake Steve. What happened ..." I froze, I just froze, literally.

"I will never hurt you." He whispered. His left hand was still holding mine. Both rested on the headboard.

I was myself again.

He was looking intently at me, as if he saw what just flashed before me. It was as though he heard himself whisper those words.

2009-05-28T10:39:56.033+08:00

fundametal
fundamettal
fundemutual
good.

I saw this on a shirt when I was in Cebu back in 2003. I fell in love with the shirt so I bought it. It was the first time in 4 years I wore that shirt yesterday. It was nostalgic.

Bye Steven

2010-11-13T17:56:55.596+08:00

"Bye John," he said.
"Bye Steven," was all I could reply.

To him, it did not mean anything. That is what he always says when he leaves.
To me though, it was as if it was the end of the world. It was as if I'd never see him again. It was as if I'd never be able to talk with him. It was as if I never can reach out to him, again.

We were at a local bakeshop (that one that makes the best chocolate cakes in the city, the one near the boondocks). We were having cake and tea. And it was time for him to go, and time for me to go back to work.

It felt like it was our last tea together. I know it was our last tea together. And when he said "Bye," I knew very well that it was time to go too.

Tonight, you see, he is going to ask Margaux's parents for her hands (we call it pamamanhikan). They've been together for 3 years now, Margaux and Steven. And it was time, it was their time.

It was so innocent, his goodbye. Before that, he asked me to be his best man. And I didn't say no, I can't say no. I said I would be happy to. I said their story is going to be the envy of the stars. Then there was silence, awkward silence. He looked at me and I at him. He stood up, gave me a pat, looked at me one last time, smiled and said "Bye John."

The moment he said that, I knew it was no longer one of those I-felt-as-ifs. I really felt it. Tasted it. And it tasted like fresh blood and smelt of rust and ash.

************************
How could I see him, look at him? How could I talk to him, reach out to him? How could I care for him and love him when he is already half of this wonderful thing I had dreamed of us to be.

How could I, when I know the other half isn't me and will never be.

I know what will happen next

2009-05-06T14:01:37.910+08:00

I was having this conversation with a friend thru text messages. We were talking about someone. Then she cautioned me to slow down. In my reply, I simply said that I know myself too well. No need to worry about anything. I said, I exactly know what will happen next.

I will fall. And i will realize that it can't happen. We can't happen. I'll cry. Then cry some more. All these with him not knowing anything.

At least I now know, too well actually, what my tear ducts are for. And damn! They never run out of tears.

These days, tears are the only thing that make me believe that I am still human.

I am hoping that one day, one random smile will make me believe that I am a human being, worthy.

Things Better Left Unsaid (Not a Part 2)

2009-04-25T10:17:09.659+08:00

I talk a lot. I have a hard time zipping my mouth. Sometimes I become too frank that at times I become rude. And I tend to be honest. Especially with the people I care about, a lot.

So there, I said a few things I thought I should have. Unfortunate.

They say that some things are better left unsaid. I didn't believe in that.
Until we stopped. Until he stopped.

I knew then, when I wrote this, that there never will be a part 2. As much as I want it to have a sun-kissed, walk-hand-in-hand-by-the-sea-as-the-sun-sets part 2, it will never happen.

At least, I now know how it feels to be asked to join someone's table.

And I know it means nothing.

Things Better Left Unsaid - Part 1

2009-01-12T09:40:00.885+08:00

Underneath It All

2009-01-07T13:51:06.895+08:00

Something I wrote three years ago... I feel safe around him. I feel appreciated. And, I want to play with the idea that I am loved every time I am with him. But I really don’t know if he does love me. I just have this crazy feeling, crazy thought, crazy dream that like me, he too has been found by love. Like a bird who has broken its wings, like a nightingale who has lost its voice, like a cloud pouring hard its all, like them, I have broken my wings, I have lost my voice, I have cried my all. It is funny how you suddenly realize that you have missed so much of the world because you have made him your all, your world and still would want to miss more of the world just to spend one more day with him, even for just one more. And I thank him for that. Because I could not imagine moments passing by, life coursing through, without him, without having known him, without having to know that there is one person in this world, this strange world, who could make me believe when there is nothing more to believe in. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have realized that even the daisy is also pretty, I wouldn’t have realized that the sun is just as romantic as the moon, that dreams come true and that love is love. I wouldn’t have realized that even I can be loved. I know it’s such a strong word, love, but it is what it is, love is love. Albeit this same love has made me realize that I can’t have everything, most especially him, it is this same love that has taught me to believe in everything and in forever. And if this love has finally left him but still lingers on in me, I will love, I will believe. And I will always remember that the daisy is also pretty, that the sun is just as romantic as the moon, that dreams come true and that love is love.[...]

Random Non-sense

2008-10-22T23:06:59.356+08:00

3rd bottle in 3rd cup. The place, serene and quiet, suddenly turned into a market place. To my right, a group of teeners, high school teeners for sure, are a group of first timers. I could listen to their stories. One is talking about his basketball game, being benched for like the nth time. Another talks about his encounter with some girl he saw in Giordano. In front of me are a group of men, barely men I suppose. They were enjoying their PSP game a while back. But, like me, on their 3rd bottle as well, they have entered into a conversation they are so into. I could not make out of what they are talking about, except for the occasional laughs. They are intently engaged in watching at their Sony Vaio laptop. One of the men, err boys, is wearing a peach shirt. I just had to mention it. Nothing special. Another, the guy to his right, is wearing a bull cap. Oh, I was to segue from the part when I typed the word laughs.
Laughter. Someone plurked something about what makes you laugh. Looking at my self in the mirror makes me laugh, I replied. I just posted that because I did not know what else to post.
This whole post is not going to make any sense. So don't start rationalizing what you are reading right now.
I have been a software engineer once in my life. I have worked with a lot of people. Some weird, some weirder still. But it didn't matter. It didn't matter if one was weird. Because there, so long as you were doing your job, which was to meet deadlines and code elegantly, you were fine. It didn't matter if at lunchbreak you were listening to Michael Jackson then on to April Boy Regino the next. It didn't matter if you liked Erap but hated FPJ.
Now, well, I just have to smile.
I would like to think that it wouldn't matter if I met someone who doesn't like me. I met many of them by the way. I would like to think that I am doing them a favor, at least they have someone to laugh about, to say bad words about.
And that is not about to change, my belief that it shouldn't matter.
I have realized that we can't please everyone. Some will disappoint us, others will disappoint us some more.
Like I said, this is a random non-sense... :)

Wednesdays

2008-09-16T10:57:39.696+08:00

I have seen red rose buds bloom into immense beauty
I have seen them wither too, petal after petal.

I have watched the sun heed to the dark
I have watched the dark heed to the bright of light.

I have seen the moon, full and proud, bow
I have seen the moon, invisible and new, shine

I have watched Wednesdays dawn into Thursdays
I have seen all these, but not you.

Low

2008-08-31T20:09:47.298+08:00

I have done stupid things in my life. But what I did last night tops all of them. It was disgusting. It was bordering on psychosis. I was so damn stupid. Bien tanga! gago!

On Wet, Cold Saturday Mornings and Cory Aquino

2008-08-30T11:04:16.623+08:00

I had a hard time getting out of my bed this morning. It's been raining for hours already. It's cold, not the devilish kind, but the kind that makes you want to not get out of bed and just lie down there and dream. I wanted to fall asleep. And dream of you. I haven't seen for almost two months now. I can't say if you are avoiding me. You said you're just busy. I can take that lie. I seem to have been feeding on those lately, your lies. Lie to me, one more time. Lie to me, and tell me you miss me too.

The dream never came and it's getting late, one peek outside the window, tells me that the truth is cold, and that when the rain falls gently, it's going to be a while before the chilling pain goes away.

I got out bed, brushed my teeth, washed my face and logged on to Inquirer.net. I got intrigued by this news which read "Cory Aquino: Use People Power to fight poverty." Then I was fuming. For a while there I wanted all her yellow clothes to change to the rust colored kind. You see, I never liked her.

Yes, why not use people power? Use the power of the people to fight poverty. When the two people power revolutions were staged, there was a ridiculously great amount of money involved. Businessmen, mostly, did not bother to pour in money just to have a corrupt and evil administration toppled, in a bloodless revolution.

Why do we find it hard to the same in fighting poverty when it is very easy for us to go to the streets and point fingers at the wrongs of an administration who might just have been trying its best to solve the gargantuan problems of this seemingly small country? I don't want to go into telling you that it's because of personal interest. That helping out in toppling down an administration is an investment.

I pity my fellow Filipinos who, in all fervor and patriotism, just want a peaceful and corrupt-less nation (myself included). I feel used. I feel betrayed.

The rain has not stopped yet. It is still cold. I am going to take a bath now. And it will be cold.

The rain gently falls. Slowly. Telling me it's going to be a while before the chilling pain goes away.

On Ben Chan, "I am Ninoy" and de Quiros

2008-08-25T22:49:48.978+08:00

Ben Chan was the player in this afternoon's episode of Deal or No Deal. When down to the last two cases and with PhP150,279 offer from the banker, he opted to go for his case, briefcase number 5. This number has always brought him luck said Kris. With this, he was standing to lose the offer and bring home 10 pesos or lose the offer and donate 300,000 to a charity. He promised to give the charity the 300,000 if his case turns out to be 10 pesos. The number 5 must have been very lucky for him as it contained the 300,000 (and you hear Kris shriek!). As if he cared, he is freakin' Ben Chan.

Kris asked for this black shirt, one of the "I am Ninoy" shirts. She thanked Ben for makin' them and making her mother, Cory Aquino, very happy. The shirt is available in all Bench outlets and in all sizes.

Last week, the country remembered the heroism of Ninoy, his assassination's 25th Anniversary. To this day, those sentenced to be imprisoned for life, the supposed culprits in the assassination, deny ever having been involved in that monstrosity.

On December 30, 2003, President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo pledged not to run in the 2004 presidential elections. There must have been sincerity in that, she made it on Rizal Day. Almost everyone praised her. The many projects that she started to pay attention to were no longer considered as campaigning for the next elections.

Suddenly, she filed her candidacy. That's when de Quiros lost faith in her. It's as if, the only glorious thing about her was her name. It no longer mattered that she was daughter of a former President of the Republic. She was devil incarnate to de Quiros.

That's also when I stopped reading de Quiros. Almost all his articles were about how evil PGMA has become. You see, I've always loved de Quiros. He used to be the only reason why I read the Inquirer.

Then he wrote this.

Hindi ka nag-iisa. What has made this country a little less bereaved by August 21 is that it dwells too much on a particular martyrdom to the exclusion of all else, turning it as well into a conceit, wrote de Quiros. Very well said. I think it is important to remember that it wasn't only Ninoy who was assassinated. It wasn't only Ninoy who shed blood. It wasn't only Cory who lost a husband. It is important to remember that it was the nation's sacrifice. They were in the hundereds, thousands even. They were nameless and faceless, and they remain to be in the eyes of the Filipinos to this very day.

De Quiros concluded his article with this: "I wonder when we’ll ever make August 21 a little more meaningful by adding that dimension to it. True enough, Ninoy, Sin and Cory were, and are, heroes. But hindi sila nag-iisa. There were, there are, more.

A lot, lot more."

And that's probably the reason why we have the National Heroes' Day. That's today, by the way.

The Separation of Church and State

2008-07-30T10:34:08.216+08:00

I've been wanting to write about this ever since the Catholic hierarchy has been threatening Catholic lawmakers of not giving them communion if they will support the Reproductive Health Bill. I never got to write what I wanted to say though. Then I read a news in the Inquirer where the Catholic Hierarchy reminded its flock of its non-endorsement of condoms even to married couples with HIV (if your husband has HIV, the Catholic hierarchy reminds the uninfected wife to never resort to wearing a condom during intercourse). This didn't just bother me, it angered me. But I kept my cool. This morning, while reading the paper, some bishop was in the news again, threatening members of his church of excommunication if and when they will support the Reproductive Health Bill! I still can't say what I want to say.

I remembered MLQ III's article in the Inquirer. I guess he said it perfectly. The following are the article's last two paragraphs:

"At the very least the hierarchy not only has the right, but the duty, to mobilize. It is up to the faithful whether they will follow their shepherds’ lead. Personally, I do not think it either desirable or productive to question Catholics on questions of faith or morals: Any serious Catholic is under the same obligation as any decent Filipino to defend his principles, to the death, if need be. To demand of Catholics that they restrict the application of their faith and morals to the confines of their homes and churches is essentially to ask them to commit apostasy.

But it is fair and just to remind the hierarchy and the rest of the Catholic citizenry that our Republic does not exist for Catholics alone, and this means that their faith and morals cannot be made the exclusive basis for state policy."

You can read the entire article here.

Comme des Garcons

2008-06-05T22:44:53.544+08:00