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unbroken habit



Opinion. Conjecture. Other Stuff.



Updated: 2016-07-23T10:07:43.516-07:00

 



Procrastination & Nostalgia

2015-11-23T19:52:53.889-08:00

And so I find myself in some old stomping grounds from 10 years ago. Funny how time flies, yet everything feels so familiar. It is almost as if it was only yesterday that I roamed the grounds of Simon Fraser University (SFU).The cold night air hovers around, letting its presence be known to all – we are on a mountain after all. Unlike trendy and popular UBC which behaves like its own miniature city, SFU continues to be this lonesome, solitary and prison like place. Main difference now: a Starbucks has situated itself upon the main entrance to the school; likely upsetting the proletariat student population, whilst creating happiness for those rich enough to afford it. Boy how thankful am I for it not having been in place when I attended here. I was already poor enough.The library feels the same with the exception of slight few upgrades to the restrooms. Dyson hand dryers have now been installed. The walls are still the same eggshell colour along with its cubicles being the old mustard yellow colour as always. To my left there is a hand drawn heart, with a sad face on it – could it have been drawn by a heartbroken student after receiving their test scores? Or was it someone whose heart was broken by the ever popular SFU pub night on Thursday nights? Or worse, someone whose heart was crushed by the need to study?While we are on the subject of a sad heart, it is important to note my fellow ‘study buddy’ just took out what appears to be a left over Halloween tootsie roll sucker. Should I be bothered they did not offer to share their candy stash? After all, how else does one study, if not without the assistance of copious amounts of sugar and caffeine.  My heart is saddened by the thoughts of candy not being shared.  How thoughtless of them.Let’s admit things: I am currently procrastinating. Find myself rather distracted by a hunger I feel for dinner at the moment. While at the same time, just not being used to studying at all any longer. My eyes feel rather dry at the moment from staring into pages of a book.  Perhaps I’ll go on Zomato to see where there may be a good place to eat dinner. [...]



This Day And Never Again

2015-11-06T14:54:15.495-08:00

Heard a line this morning that somewhat stuck with me about building the future. Shamefully I do not recall the exact details of it but at the present moment I wish I did. . .

These days I find myself rather confused again. Still a bit lost. I permitted to allow my shine to be taken away from me. Not 100% on what I will do but more and more I find I am re-learning to stand up for myself. Unfortunately this is not always projected in the best fashion possible, however, I am cognizant of such.

There are thoughts I wish to rid of inside of me forever. Images, thoughts, and conversations I wish never existed. They trouble my sleep.

All I know thought is the following:

  • The past cannot be changed, but the future can be.
  • In order to move forward, we have to forgive (and potentially seek forgiveness) for the past. 
  • Doubt will only increase as things are kept hidden.
  • What do we have to lose via dialogue?
My biggest question of all is this:
  • How can anyone say they wish to be with a person, only to finally have them, to take them for granted and cause them pain? Potentially turning them into an enemy gradually. How is lying ever protecting someone?
Guess time will tell.




Emptiness

2015-10-05T17:17:13.437-07:00

It is very difficult for me to stay positive these days. There are days when I just ache inside. I just want to escape. While there are other days when I just wish to destroy myself. I am tired. So tired and exhausted from all the pain.

The person who I knew to be my best friend betrayed me. It hurts that they do not understand  properly how their actions hurt me. How them dating someone else hurt me and has made me feel utterly worthless, unwanted, easily discardable, easy to forget, and not important. But what I feel is worse is their lies. Their lies about having moved on so easily with someone else shortly after our break up. They knew how much they meant to me still, how hard things were for me, and how much I begged them not to continue with the break-up. Yet we went camping and became close - that was when I knew something was 'off' and yet they led me on. They allowed me to believe they still felt something for me. And if that was not the case, then they treated me like garbage, and completely disrespected me and the 'friendship' we once had. They threw away our friendship the moment they lied and dated that other individual.

I used to trust them unconditionally. With everything and anything in my life. Now, it feels like I cannot trust anything they say. Sometimes I feel as if I can trust them again but then begin the yelling, the snapping, secrets, lies, and coldness. 

I find myself recycling the same questions in my head. 

My heart feels dead and empty now. It has become accustomed to the lies and meanness. Beforehand it used to feel like daggers in it all the time. Now it has become the norm. 

No longer do I feel like a priority nor loved. 

I feel mentally exhausted. Drained. Lost. Have no energy for life at times. 

The above picture depicts how they used to make me feel. Now I question whether or not they ever felt the same about me. After all, they were so easily able to move on to someone else.




Foundations

2015-09-01T20:09:12.176-07:00

Heard the most interesting quote today while at yoga, and it stuck:

"just like a house, we need a solid foundation in life with our bodies, our relationships, et al"

This made me think of what I have been going through in the past couple of days. Just like a house is built on a foundation - so is a relationship. A relationship is built on a foundation of trust. If there is no trust, there is nothing. Right now I do not know if there is trust nor do I feel my trust is being fought for enough.

And again, that makes me question my worth and value. I know my value or worth does not depend on another human being. But this makes me wonder if I am valued or worth anything to them? They did make me question it in the past couple of months, and that is bad. I should never have been made to feel that way.

A relationship should be one where two individuals compliment one another. They are not happy because they are together but rather on their own. That individual should add to that happiness.










Confusion and heartache

2015-08-31T08:47:06.765-07:00

The last couple of days have been a whirlwind of emotions - none of them containing excitement.

I believe I was beginning to heal as of last week as my outview on life became more optimistic. Currently the doubts in my mind cloud my heart. They are making me think and do things I do not like.

  • Doubt
  • Fear
  • Pain
  • Loneliness
  • Heartache
  • Sadness
  • Emptyness
  • Anger
  • Disappointment

I feel all those currently.

I have been lied to for the past couple of weeks. How do I regain trust? I want them to work at regaining my trust and make me believe again they only have eyes for me. That they do not bad mouth me when away. That I am cherished. Is this the person I fell for?

Read today the following quote:
'What is the difference between
I like you
I love you.

Beautifully answered by Buddha:
"When you like a flower, you just pluck it. But when you love a flower, you water it daily...!

One who understands this, understands life...'

As I take this giant risk with my heart again - and it is a risk - I fear being hurt once more. Deep down I know if I am hurt again I will walk away forever. The pain was too much to bare this last time. But I fought and fought my way through it. I was pushed away for someone else. Again it goes back to how easily discardable I was to him.

I do not wish to be taken for granted. I do not want to take him for granted once more. I want for there to be love between us again - for us to plant a seed and watch it grow as we both water it daily like a flower together.

Feeling if I get taken for granted, I will simply not be around anymore. Quietly I'll go.




Life Advice

2015-08-22T10:52:45.742-07:00

Read this today:

If you like someone, tell them. If you miss someone, tell them. If you love someone, show it. Life is too short to keep your feelings inside.

Opted not to take any sleeping pills yesterday evening. Woke up in a positive mood as a result of this. Or so I like to believe.

Been reading more of this blog. Hoping and praying some of the posts from 2006 to 2007 do not repeat themselves. It appears some of those feelings and beliefs are though.



Love, Kindness, I do not care if I have to throw it all away...

2015-08-22T10:00:15.354-07:00

if I've now found what I've lost. While looking for pencil crayons yesterday, I stumbled upon something I had not opened in years: my journal/drawing book from over 10 years ago. I begun it in 2003 and some time around 2008-2009 ripped pages out. For whatever reason I could not bring myself to toss them. So very thankful I never did.Who ever thought that I would be here so many years later, reading everything I wrote, which at one point or another believed to be gibberish and utilize it to feel strong again?The years 2003, 2005, 2006 and 2007 are all documented. Everything from gains and losses. Feelings of hurt, happiness, and doubt.Despite none of what was in that journal being published on this blog - at least not as directly as on that journal at the time, I now believe it is worth mentioning some of it.December 2003I buried 2 people in 1 month. One was a very close friend who I will forever hold dear. It is very hard for me to ever discuss them. I just remember the car wreckage and opening my eyes to them being gone forever. Anyone can make what they want of this and my not discussing it, but deep inside even now I am not ready to re-live this.A few weeks later, it was a family loss.My family left that Christmas for the holidays and I opted to stay behind to grieve. And grieve I did alone. Alone and by myself. I survived.As such, Christmas to day is one of the loneliest holidays for me. I hate the Christmas Holidays.Skip to 2005.Loneliness, courage, strength, and even love all filled that year. The year was rather turbulent. When I look back to where I was 10 years ago to day, I will admit I was full of loneliness. I felt empty.Peterborough had done a fine number on me. It had taken my willingness to open my heart up again and crushed it into a million pieces. And then ran over it.Thankfully I had an amazing guy, who makes an honourable mentions 10 years to today if I look at the entry for the same day. He is one of the few ex's I can successfully call friend today. He's helped me as of late.Later on that Fall, I met someone else. Someone I was afraid to fall for but little did I know I would fall and fall I did a couple of times well into 2007 until I could stand up again.2006Brave.I was brave. I was strong. I fought. And I fought by myself. Went through the worst thing imaginable early on that summer. But I lived and I lived for me. For all the dreams I still held in my young mind.And then something worse happened that summer. Something I did to myself as I brought utter shame, agony, and pain. The entire night is a blur as I recall small bits and pieces of it. I recall who came to my rescue the morning after and I will always remember that person as my best friend. That person is now dead today. But will not get into that yet. I miss him though and hold no regrets.What happened to that strong person I was in 2006?Life happened.2007With 2006 officially over, I did to myself what I am doing now. I killed myself inside. I grieved. I cried. I let my anger out. I moved on after much personal sabotage.My diary entries discuss how much I loved an ex and wanted them back. How I was afraid to lose them forever. How I wanted us to be able to be friends. How I felt different and awkward. How I regretted so much early in the year. Things I had written earlier that same summer of 2006.Somehow that summer they disappeared. Again that best friend was there. They wanted more at the time but I was not ready for a relationship. I had in the past 2-3 years gone from relationship to relationship. Had wanted to be fair with the next but was not sure when I would be ready.Present DayHere I am typing away as I smoke.Something about smoking has always been so soothing to my nerves.I hold no regrets over the last few years up until some time in 2011 and thereafter when I became afraid to open up and lost myself.Fighting now to find me. Just know the current[...]



Blue sky is in the distance.

2015-08-17T20:05:15.817-07:00

It feels so close.Yet, I cannot grab it even if I reach out with my hands, I looked up at the stars before. The stars that I cannot reach and the wishes that will not be granted. There is nothing we have been able to leave behind for each other. Therefore, traces and memories will disappear someday. But still.. Even if it will not reach him, there should be something that will remain in our hearts. There is nothing that remains in our hands, but we lived the same time and looked up at the same things. If I can remember that… I can believe that we can be together even if we are far apart.The more time that goes by, the more I replay the words said to me in my mind: we are toxic for one another.all the time you thought we were friends, we only were because I wanted to be with you (so we were never best friends then, I ask?)I still love you, but we can never be together ever again.As I reflect upon the last few months this year, I think of how I was fighting, but fighting because I did not want to compromise. I wanted to be around one another all the time. I missed you all the time and felt like we were growing apart. Then when you'd reach out to spend time, I would not in anger. Rather than nurture our love, I let bitterness win. The person I slowly became - I loathe that side of me. Not many can bring that side of me out. It takes quite a ton of hurt to do such a thing and there used to be a time in my life when you used to calm that. That side comes out when I'm hurt, vulnerable, paranoid, and feeling insecure. Now I just cry when I think of you. Distance feels easy for you, meaning I am easy to discard. Distance makes me feel like I never was worth it after all. If you do not create said distance though, we will continue to hurt.You mention you want a friendship with me but in your own terms and with restrictions. There should be no restrictions on friendship. If you're unwillingly to have a proper friendship, I will question your unwillingness, therefore questioning my own value. I try to think of what must be going through inside of you to understand better. I question why you even want a friendship too after everything you have told me now. If we did all the things we did in the past not as friends but because you wanted more, what is there left? What I thought begun as a friendship does not exist anymore. I have led myself to believe something which never was. I long for that friendship but according to you it was never real. So if it never was, then what do I have left to keep fighting for? Nothing. Everything I have felt for you continues to be killed. Slowly, and gradually. I am in mourning.[...]



100 Useless Things About Me

2015-07-24T11:41:13.721-07:00

It has been a long time since I have completed one of these. Certainly good to pass the time at times and make one think and/or see how answers can change over the years.1. How old will you be in five years? 372. Who did you spend at least two hours with today? My bed3. How tall are you? 5'64. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks?  Moving forward with my life – figuring out the next stage and having the strength to do what makes me happiest.5. What's the last movie you saw? Pacific Rim6. Who was the last person you called? My sister7. Who was the last person to call you? Colin8. What was the last text message you received? Message from Craig asking how I slept.9. Who was the last person to leave you a voicemail? Subaru dealer10. Do you prefer to call or text? Phone calls, they are much more personal and you can feel the persons emotion better.11. What were you doing at 12am last night? sleeping12. Are your parents married/separated/divorced? married13. When is the last time you saw your mom? yesterday 14. What color are your eyes? Brown15. What time did you wake up today? Sometime between 6 to 630am16. What are you wearing right now? New pajamas and black hoodie17. What is your favorite Christmas song? Ave Maria18. Where is your favorite place to be? I do not know anymore.19. Where is your least favorite place to be? Kickinghorse, BC20. Where would you go if you could go anywhere? Hawaii – likely Maui21. Where do you think you'll be in 10 years? Not sure anymore, prefer to try to avoid thinking these things any longer.22. Do you tan or burn? both23. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child? As a child I used to have nightmares – still do now. I recall having multiple dreams involved death and loved ones. There is a particular dream I recall to date where I am standing in between 2 coffins in a dark room.*24. What was the last thing that really made you laugh? Laughing is not a constant for me these days.25. How many TVs do you have in your house? 426. How big is your bed? Queen size.27. Do you have a laptop or desktop computer? 2 laptops, 1 desktop28. Do you sleep with or without clothes on? Clothes on29. What color are your sheets? A mix shade of tan and brown30. How many pillows do you sleep with? 431. What is your favorite season? Autumn due to the smells of nature outside32. What do you like about fall? The anticipation of Winter ahead – love the look of the mountains when covered in snow and enjoy the crispy cold air.33. What do you like about winter? The ability to go snowboarding on the slopes. 34. What do you like about the summer? Usually camping outside with my best friend and wine tours, but since they are now gone from my life I honestly do not know.35. What do you like about spring? The bloming of new flowers. 36. How many states/provinces have you lived in? 3 37. What cities/towns have you lived in? Vancouver, Las Vegas (if it counts), and somewhere in the third world.38. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet? Bare feet always39. Are you a social person? I used to think that I am but these days that is up for debate.40. What was the last thing you ate? Refried beans and feta cheese. 41. What is your favorite restaurant? I no longer have one.42. What is your favorite ice cream? Don’t think I have one.43. What is your favorite dessert? It used to be a Domo cake someone baked for me once. It was the cutest thing ever, but that is too sad a memory now. I do not believe I have one. 44. What is your favorite kind of soup? French onion soup.45. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich? raspberry 46. Do you like Chinese food? Only when hung over. It is the best hang over food anyone can ever have.47. Do you like coffee? I like the smell of a good coffee roast yes. Used to love drinking it, and I’d drink it black and strong. Sin[...]



Best advice I've gotten in a while...

2015-07-20T12:20:53.655-07:00

You are a riddle wrapped in an enigma. You are not an open book - people cannot read your mind. We tend to be cognitive misers, wanting to think only as much as we feel necessary. So not only are you hard to understand, but people observing you aren't willing to expend much effort puzzling you out. They succumb to assumptions, rules of thumb (people from an Ivy League university are smart), and stereotypes. They seek to confirm their biases.





Fears and emotions

2015-07-17T13:04:51.723-07:00

Do not recall where I read this the other day anymore but as I continue to try to make sense of my feelings and emotions, I find the below is what happened inside of me. My dreams are my inner conscience trying to make sense of my fears or work them out...

"You the monster is not in your face - it's inside. It's what you fear; it's what you are; it's the reality that all of us are flawed, and you can either embrace your flaws and let them empower you, or you can let them crippled you."



Apologies, Regrets, and Emptyness

2015-07-11T19:53:48.425-07:00

I am not sure if anyone reads this anymore.

Will not lie, it has been ages since I wrote in my blog.

I am currently at a point in my life where I feel empty & defeated. I have lost my best friend, my true love, and man I want to be with.

There is so much I wish I could take back at the current moment. I feel like I had something really great, which I ruined. So now, I ruin myself.

The last week I have not been able to sleep - sleeping pills, alcohol, and smokes have all been my means to get through. Someone recently said that people who cut themselves, do it in order to numb other types of pain - they do it to feel physical pain versus emotional. That resonates with me so well right now. Again another thing I did the day of - the pain I felt in my heart was too much to bare. I needed to lessen what I felt inside.

Wishing I could portray a picture of what is before more: dark grey skies, the sound of pouring rain, the aftermath of a thunderstorm, and trees now slowly moving back and forth when just 10 minutes ago where swishing through full storm wise. Every now and again there's swift yet slight flashes of lightning.

This entire time I just want to say the following:
I am sorry I took you for granted and did not appreciate you - you were absolutely wonderful to me. I was the luckiest girl in the world, for having the privilege of you in my life. You were there for during me darkest times and accepted me regardless, yet also during the best of my times when we'd live, laugh, and smile freely together. You let me be myself which not anyone including my family has permitted me to be, and somehow did not run away. Sometimes the love you felt for me scared me to pieces that it caused me to run away - because I am weak. I feared loving you, and what it could do inside of me, yet deep down inside I wanted to be with you, forever and always. I love you.  I will always love you no matter what. And so now I am in mourning, because no matter what, I always wish to have you by my side, holding my hand, saying my name in the way you do, while making me feel special for being in your arms. I am empty.





A random post about everything and nothing

2014-01-23T20:50:39.237-08:00

Hello? Is this thing still on?

Funny, I came across through reading some of the earliest posts on this blog that date back to almost 10 years ago, and thought to myself: 'my, how life has changed!'

For a bit I begun to think of how immature some of them were. Especially as they mainly discussed blazing and drinking. I kind of let some of those memories sit for a bit, until I realized I do not regret them one bit. There is a time and place for everything, and I believe that I was getting that phase of my life out of my system while the time in my life was still right. I enjoyed my 20s.

Now that I am at the dawn of my 30s, things are much different. I think somewhere in there I grew up.

Since my last post a couple of years back a few things have changed. Whilst I still continue to dwell with my folks, I've begun to start to think about what I want out of life more on a long term level.

I used to think I knew what I wanted before, but really I was wrong and not quite looking at the big picture. (Although I always thought I was.)  I was still young, naive, and overly confident. Nowadays I'm just more confused than ever. One thing I do know though, is that I am going to try to post some more on my blog again. We'll see if that does pan out. Stay tuned...





It's been a while...

2012-05-24T20:25:43.469-07:00

...since I last posted.

Someone reminded me of that the other day. And I kind of asked myself, why is that?

I am not 100% as to why,  although perhaps it is the lack there of interesting things in my life. As of late, however, I have been trying to get back into the swing of things. I am trying to get physically active, get back into my hobbies, and perhaps save a little money. I found that in the last year my life for a while consisted of my job--which, I have to admit, helps when you are trying to pass time or not think about other things. But it makes you bitter.

With my body gradually feeling better, and better, I find myself working out more. Bless the elliptical machine downstairs in my building. It saves me gym money, and makes it so convenient to go for just 15 minutes. Not to mention the lack of the rustle and bustle of the gym where sometimes all the good machines are taken. I am further looking into getting into a Bikhram Yoga class of sorts. With that said, I have never tried it, but have heard nothing but positive things.

Finally, I am slowly putting together my Europe 2011 scrapbook. The task can be hard as I miss travelling. That travel bug just will not leave me regardless. I wish I was back in the UK in time for the Diamond Jubilee or the excitement of the Olympics. My wallet says otherwise though, reminding me, to get a car. Once I do though, I cannot help but feel I wont be able to do something like that. You only live once, I am still young and can walk everywhere, so why not try and see as much of the world as I possibly can? Live life to the fullest. I want to regret nothing later.

The picture above is from the Okanagan. I went there two weekends ago for their best summer weekend yet. The weather was 30+ degrees and I returned home with heatstroke. I had not been there in over 2 years. Love the Okanagan in the summer. It is Canada's wine country and desert.

Well, that's it for now...more of a rant another time.



Flashingback Sunday brought to you Tuesday

2011-11-22T22:34:33.111-08:00

(image)
Amsterdam Souvenirs


Things I keep thinking of? My trip to Europe recently. It was great, but there is one of 2 things I regret: spending so much time in Amsterdam. I should've only planned for 2 days there vs 4 and gone to both Brussels and Bruges or Rotterdam. Oh well, lesson learned. I remember though this city had the funnest souvenirs. Wish I would have purchased a few more. 




Flashingback Sunday

2011-11-13T09:20:16.044-08:00

Ever feel the want to do something you enjoyed when you were little

I do sometimes. So I went off a few weeks ago one afternoon to feed the ducks in the park. I had 3/4 of an old loaf of bread I knew I would not be able to finish (as I did not like it) and thought "may as well not let it go to waste." As you can see, these guys made way better use of it. 



Flashingback Sunday brought to you Saturday

2011-11-05T14:26:28.722-07:00

And I'm BACK! It has been a very long time since I last posted here. Perhaps it is because of my recent adventure, and my coming home feeling blogged out to the point I never bothered to finish my other blog while abroad. Certainly, the trip was something else-- I came home exhausted and ill. As if I needed a vacation from my vacation. Needless to say, it only took a few weeks to get back into the hang of things back home. Wham! It was then Halloween!This Halloween was a bit different: less dressing up and more pumpkin harvest experience. Although I try to go to the pumpkin patch every year, this year I actually went to a good one! They had a petting farm which made for a very fun day.comforter and pillowthe future bacon.... love how this one just decided to sleep on top of his siblingsAdd captionbacon making a run for it![...]



I've been travelling...

2011-09-22T07:21:03.386-07:00

...through Europe again. For adventures and updates, check out my travel blog.



Flashingback Sunday

2011-08-07T21:05:39.919-07:00

(image)
Grouse Grind 3/4 mark on Friday morning. The mountain was like a giant  stairmaster full of bugs. That up there, is my coworker, whose brilliant idea was to go on the hike and meet up by 8am. (Funny enough, we both got there early by half an hour and thus begin sooner. In a sense it was for the better, as that mountain was then packed with other hikers making their way up.) You ask our time? 2 hours. I'll take those 2 hours, I do not know how some people do it in 45 minutes but my lungs found it hard to breathe and I had a giant blister on the back of my right heel. Man my blister hurts!!

(image)
Look! proof we made it up top! Also note, the hiking shoes I wore were my new Merrel Barefoots which I intend to take to europe-I showed my mom my blisters today (they were bleeding even today) and she told me to throw the shoes out. I'm thinking I was fine hiking, just they're not really meant for walking...alas I want to go back up hiking and give the shoes another run for their money!

(image)
Once up top, we went and saw the bears! There's 2 orphan bears up there. Did you know they weight 900lbs?! I would've guessed 600lbs or less...and they're vegetarians too.


(image)
Teddy bear pose!




Test Shots

2011-08-04T21:36:12.801-07:00

(image)
Test Shots, a photo by tattersg on Flickr.

AND so finally I have found the time to play with my new DSLR. I am still nervous about taking it overseas, but then, what's the point of getting it if not to enjoy it and use it to its full potential?

This is one of my first shots... I've taken a few others though but I quite liked this one.

(Taken with a Canon Rebel EOS T3 DSLR, 18-55 lens).




Flashingback Sunday, brought to you Wednesday

2011-08-03T18:47:23.758-07:00

In roughly 1 month... I will have returned here. After 3.5 years. I am excited and wish I could turn time forward already. At the same time, however, I am nervous. I will be gone for an entire month. WOW!! Things should be interesting this time around, as I will be forced to eat British food wether I like it or not. (I have already written into my clause to Ian that I refuse to eat steak and kidney pie though.)


(By the way, I returned the dress today, and bought another that was 1/2 price!)


London's calling...





Tatty goes wild...!

2011-08-02T21:29:21.550-07:00

At the mall. Just kidding. Alas, I believe I have successfully completed all and any adventures at the mall for the summer. (ok, perhaps not as I need a camera case.) Regardless, I have acquired a dress to the Biech's wedding. Anyone ever have trouble figuring out what to wear to a wedding? I find men have it so easy--dress pants, grab a clean dress shirt and go! Perhaps throw in a tie if you can sometimes and make sure your clothing is ironed. Wish it could be that easy for women. I dread weddings for the sake of finding something to wear. I currently hate my body--albeit I have been in regular attendance at the gym as of late. Minimum once a week if not more often if possible. But still, going through the racks, trying things on. Does this look too informal? Does this look TOO formal? Does this look like I would wear it again? Does this look more like a work dress? Is my cleavage popping out? Is this dress too much money? And what shoes will I wear? Those are the questions always in my head. I believe I tried maybe 5 dresses today before I gave up on the battle. I pretty much said: this looks the best, damn the price... screw it!I'm now debating whether or no I return it. Not to mention, as soon as I left the store, I was still looking for other dresses that perhaps could beat the one I had just purchased!Oh the misery of spending the entire afternoon--visiting 2 malls and Robson St. I even have a foot blister from my Burks (something I am seriously wondering how it could've happened in those shoes) from all the walking I did. There were some positives to today:I bought a pair of Merrel Barefoot Pace Gloves. I am fairly stoked for these shoes. I plan to wear them in Europe the entire time. Finally... I went off and bought myself a proper pair of walking shoes for these long haul trips of mine. (Dear Vans skate shoes, you were a great pair of shoes, and let me abuse you, yet you never let me down ever---but now you must put your laces up after 7 years. Love, Me. ) As you can tell, my previous shoes lasted me a very long time. They could have probably survived one last trip, but the soles at the bottom are looking kind of weathered. And for the amount of walking I do on these trips...I also got me a swifty from Lululemon. I am supposed to be doing the Grouse Grind Friday. Perfect chance to kick in the new shoes and this awesome shirt ! (Purchased with European intentions of course.)And to answer the question on somes minds--yes, I feel I'm getting better (finally) from my injuries sustained last year. As my physiotherapist believes, I regained full range of the right side of my body. My left I find comes and goes--same as my TMJ. I have to be careful what I do at the gym. Usually the stair master is my friend. The elliptical machine I find can sometimes be rough on my neck if I use the handle bars that force you to move your arms front and backwards, along with the treadmill at fast speeds. In addition, weights and any rowing machines can be too intense--although I've tempted them. My wii fit I find mainly helps for new stretching exercises and balance. My headaches are not every day anymore. And I feel even better when I am more active and going to the gym. Must lose weight. I'm debating the best way to do it-if I should stick to a certain diet as I am not yet to my full running potential. I've noticed even the small bits I've been doing as of late, are greatly appreciated by my legs and thighs.[...]



9/11

2011-07-23T13:19:42.353-07:00

...is my new departure date to Europe! I've officially re-booked my airfare for that date. I will be gone for 4 weeks officially. I cannot wait until vacation! And now to book everything else. 

I must wonder though, should I be concerned I'm flying out on the 10th anniversary of 9/11?? 10 years ago, I know I would've never thought that 10 years later I'd be departing to Europe again. (Thankfully I'm flying via British Airways--as I refuse to fly with any american airline due to their numerous stop-overs and charges for luggage.)





Happy Birthday Canada!

2011-07-01T09:55:11.716-07:00




Is it growing up?

2011-06-29T20:31:51.114-07:00

So I've been going through some personal dilemmas as of late. What do you do if a friend pushes you away because you brought up their drinking problems?I have a friend who a while back would show up to my place to hang out, only when they were completely drunk beyond comprehension. It made my ex-roomates quite uncomfortable. It used to bother me, because we could not have proper conversations. I then showed some concern-and perhaps as it was not that tactful a subject, approach it in the best method out there, and discussed it with them. I knew they had a drinking problem and that they partied plenty. Sadly, 3 years ago I was perhaps one of their closest drinking partners too. I cannot pin point my finger to what happened to have changed me. I know that I dislike drinking to the levels I used to, more so now after my accident. I know that when I moved out, I felt as if I was developing a drinking problem at one point. It kind of saddened me. At the time, however, doctor's were unsure what was wrong with me. I felt the only way I could sleep was to drink so much to numb out the pain I would feel on my arms and wrists throughout the evening. My arms would throb beyond belief. Then the doctor finally prescribed to me something meant for the nerves--and it helped immensely. I could finally sleep without having to drink myself to sleep. I know at the same time, however, I felt embarrased and ashamed for my actions. Never having been a fan of the "next day hangover," I since barely drink. I do not feel that that sort of partying anymore is appropriate either. I would not argue, however, that I am a saint either. Since doing such, however, I can confirm I barely partake in such.I know part of the reason I may have mentioned something or stopped has to do with my own family's history with alcohol. It's always been something I have thought of in the back of my head. I have dealt with alcoholism since being a small child. It is never anything easy but growing up with a parent you love who has gone through it multiple times, certainly can shape your mind in the future. And so here I was, watching someone who I thought and felt to be one of my closest friends, going down a bad path. I heard of them going out partying-and fairly nearby at times, and got a bit jealous to be honest that I was not invited. I understood, however, it was due to my hinting at disliking him showing up completely drunk all the time (they could barely stand up) to my place. It had been an issue before and I had mentioned it bothered me, albeit not to the same degree as the year before. This seemed to be a recurring theme. The year before I somewhat let things slide as they were using alcohol as a means to deal with the pains of having to deal with the break up of their relationship. I did, however, mention something as it bothered me then. And now here I am. We never talk anymore, we never hang out. I have made efforts to try to maintain a friendship and reach out to them. It feels that ever since I voiced my concerns with their excessive drinking I was pushed away.I cannot confirm if they are still going through said path.I've even asked their new roomate about things, however, I believe it is useless. But I have to wonder, did I do the correct thing by mentioning their drinking habits bothered me? Should I, as a friend perhaps just stayed quiet about it, and allowed it [...]