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Preview: Itching for the new Ichitaka

The life of Ichitaka

It's about me, we and she

Updated: 2018-03-06T00:25:51.626+08:00


A big change in life


So I stopped work last year, some where in the middle of November. It was not shocking, but we are only surprised as we did not get a one month notice but just a few days notice (not even a week). Yup, that company is really unorganized and in the shambles. I just felt a bit sad to part with my 2 colleagues that was nice and despite the quite huge age gap, we can hang out together (sometimes we watch movies together, the latest being Captain America CW). The other prick I definitely can't wait to kick out of my life forever. The boss... a mixed of hate/ok feeling. I missed the most is can't surf the internet there + the pay. No money sure sucks...Sum just got married around 2 months ago, making me the last of the 4 which is still single. Saw YL there, which I have not seen for more than 3 years. Happy to see she didn't turn into a fat married woman after giving birth. More happy that I could take a picture with her in it. Most happy is she listened to my advise and didn't wear that man hat but a bunny ear when taking the picture, lol. I was glad Sum followed with my request to change my sitting to my TARC gang than the MAGIC gang. Three years, it felt like 10... Sigh. Anyway the banquet was nice and food was good. Congrats again Sum! If it wasn't because of the wedding banquet, who knows how long more before I can see her?After coming back to PG, it was life like normal again. Can't get a job even after a few interviews. But I am still keeping a positive attitude. The economy sucks and it's not only me jobless nowadays. Then after that planned to go Genting with mom as there was free rooms + free food and 'oil money'. Thought want to vacation a bit there. Heavens know on the day we should be departing to Genting, my dad suddenly felt very ill. Told him to go to the doctor many times but he wouldn't listen, so this time he is too sick to work. We fetched him to the doctor and the more experienced doctor said my dad maybe suffering from internal bleeding and asked us to go to a hospital for a thorough exam immediately. After asking different opinions from my dad's many colleagues, we finally end up in Adventist Hospital.It was as serious as he was immediately sent to the ER for check-up by various specialists. In the end we found out that his liver is badly damaged and need to be sent to the ICU for treatment. His blood need to be cleaned and we are told that he need to do dialysis from now onward. Yup, most diabetic patients will end up with dialysis in the end because the liver will slowly deteriorate and stop functioning well. He was in the ICU for 4 days and transferred into a normal ward to recover then. After another 1 week plus, he checked out from the ward but need to do dialysis 3 times a week in the same hospital.It is my job as the only son there to fetch him to do dialysis (which last 4 hours every session) 3 times a week, every week. It was hard on dad as early dialysis will made him vomit frequently, as the body starts to adept to the changes. It was also hard on me and mom as we need to take care of him on the clock, 24/7. Due to seeing dad suffering, it sometimes made my mom upset, which in the end is vent out on me, including from my dad. As the only son around, no choice but to take it all in.Sometimes I think all of this is fated. If I were to stay in KL, then nobody will be here to take care of dad except mom. Nobody will be sending him to and back from the hospital. Nobody will send mom out to buy the necessities for dad. If I were to found a job, I couldn't do all of that too. Now the best option is to be able to work in the same company with dad, so that I can ask for special permission and send him to the hospital for dialysis every week. A normal company wouldn't allow me to do that. I have applied and hope to hear the good news soon. Sorry KL, looks like I won't be able to come back anytime soon, sob...Dad finally started back his work today, after weeks of absence due to his illness. Mom followed him go to take care of him, leaving me alone in the house. Normally people doing dialysis couldn't wo[...]

A lot of bad things lately


Sigh... although I try to maintain a positive and cheerful energy, sometimes it still gets too 'dark' and mood swings come by. The longer I work in this dying company, the more I see how the working world works... and soon 'human' itself.

First I will talk about my company. It's one of the worst company I have seen, although I admit I haven't seen much before. I am not kidding when I say 'WORST'. It's a new company, and it is build entirely from noobs. There is no basic foundation, yet they created the company and 'slowly go from there'. It is completely not organized, with a lot of missing procedures which they will 'amend slowly'. Everything is built from scratch and they thought 'positivity will get us there'. After 1 year and 2 months, the company is still losing and not profiting. So what do the top dogs and CEO/ bosses do? They STOP helping the company... yet EXPECT it to grow by itself and earn them money before they invest more. How the tuut you expect to grow when it is still not matured in the beginning?!? Do you expect a baby to start earning you money after 1 year birth or else you kick it into the dustbin?!?

Stupid money hungry bosses... if they don't have the brains to properly make a new company, then don't waste time and money of EVERYONE involved! This company will surely die because it survives on the help of another company, but the company stop helping until this company start earning. Any idiot can see that if you do that, you basically STOP the whole earning process, how the tuut the company can earn like that!?? Pathetic... I hope this stupid company will die faster to lessen the misery of everyone.

Some other bad things that happened is Daniel's dad got cancer, which is really a shock to me as his dad is one of the fittest dad I have ever meet. I wish him a speedy recovery soon. Then there's the matter of David suddenly stopping Magic completely, even burning the leftover cards to stop himself from ever touching Magic anymore. I blame the wife, because every man deserves a 'he time'. Taking away Magic from him is like taking a part of his life away. No matter what good she wants, forcing something is always a bad thing. Take care my friend, always find me if you have troubles to share. I am really upset how your wife treats you but that is your business, and I can only worry from the side... Sigh!

That's news from 2 of my best friends. Other news is YL, which is no news at all. She is like a cooped up bird, totally stuck with her new baby and husband, ignoring the world outside. Sure she got say 'I miss hanging out' but what did she do in response? Nothing... just talk. Pfft... And I, like usual, still miss her like HELL. Even bought my new car with her words 'PLY'... although it also stands for play, which I am still doing all this while haha. Being single sucks if I think of her... but if I don't think of her... 'Hell Yeaaaaahhhh!' I am free to do whatever I like! Being single is not bad at all. Thinking about commitment, raising a family, funds for children, etc... sometimes scares the shit out of me. Maybe cause my wages is low now? Who cares! Hahaha... YOLO right?

In 2-3 months this shit company will die, then I will be back in KL. Will miss my parents a lot then, and can't do my responsibility as a child to take care of them will make me feel worse. So I shall enjoy every moment here, staying in this shitty company till it dies and taking care of my parents till I go back. Signing off now, take care everybody~!

First update of 2015


So long no touched my blog. Been busy with work and all. Started working in a new company since September last month, and still working here... with no confirmation letter in sight (although he told me confirmed already by words of mouth). Tried to join Robb's company but the company is crazy strict and requirements are damn high. I tried for the BM one, failed. Then I thought I could get the America gy one, also failed. With my standard of English also failed, I can see why there is still so many vacancy left in his office. Those that have 'superior' English skill won't even think of working as a customer service, lol... Oh well, at least I tried.

Life has been up and down for me, so far... as usual. Yup it still gets boring sometimes but I am glad I am able to accompany my parents here. A big sacrifice but I'm ok. Worked 6 months plus and already got a car and some cash in my bank account, more than my 2 bros I think, lol. Still missing YL whenever my mind is free, though starting to accept more than she's married and there's no point missing someone who doesn't miss nor give a damn about you (insert emo guy here). Stupid brain...

Slowly I feel into the trap of humanity. I thought I could live a life that is free from the norms of mankind, but no... I still fell into the trap nevertheless. I couldn't follow my dreams, I have responsibilities to bear, my legs are bounded and my hands attached... all I can do is dream. Dream is all I have left while continuing my life as a robot of society. I wonder if I there really is a red pill... and if faced with the situation, will I really swallow that red pill?

Love and life


So I started my new life here in Pg. It was very sudden at first, with only 2 weeks for me to prepare my new work life in another country. But I know I cant delay this anymore, and with her gotten married with another man, I can rest assured she will be in good hands and not in my heart anymore... or so I thought.

Work life is not as scary or hard as I thought. Everyday seems like a new challenge, with new colleges and thinking of where to eat (I love to eat, haha). Changed work place from an office to a house office (waiting for new workplace to fully renovate). And the boss is friendly too (dont even need to call them mr or sir). With not too much headache and getting paid while doing work is not bad at all. I even booked a car, my OWN car. How cool is that? Last week bought a 3ds game worth 180. Expensive but I dont feel it that much... cause I have MONEY, baby! Uh oh, I think I'm starting to have a problem that most adults have... money power problem. Comes with the territory.

YL just gave birth to a baby boy last 2 weeks I think... or 1 week. That reminds me, during her bday (this year), I smsed her and wish her happy birthday through sms. No reply, as I expected. Not even a thanks. Then Daniel, who was with me then at McD, also smsed her. He got a reply! Wtf...!? Now I know how much my friendship is 'worth' with YL... near to zero!

Why am I still so mad at her for something so trivial? F**K it, I thought starting my work life will forget her, not power it up! Maybe it's true... when you want to forget something, the harder you try, the more you will remember. The only way to forget is accept it and make it a part of yourself. Then it will slowly merge with your feelings and you will not remember it that much anymore. Why cant I accept that she's married with another, like what happened to YLin? I can forget YLin, so why not her?!? Argh... looks like this poison is more serious than I thought.....

Words of wisdom?


Saw a words of wisdom on FB today. It wrote:

If you can't get someone out of your head, maybe that person is meant to stay there.

Hmm... is that why YL still lingers in my mind no matter how hard I try to shake it out of my thick skull? Sigh... Get a hold of yourself, damnit! The feeling of wanting somebody is just to... irresistible. Bloody painful, bloody true!

Lonely girl?


Went to the morning market with my mom just now. While following her, suddenly I saw a girl. She is not too young nor too old, maybe around her 20's or 30's. What makes her different is that she is... tall. Very tall, even taller than David. She somehow looks... sweet, yet... missing something. Then it hits me... is she lonely? Tall girls usually are avoided by guys, sadly. Is she one of them?

Then it hits me back... why am I thinking for her, a complete stranger? Do I see myself in her? Lonely... sometimes it hits the heart. Sad but truthfully painful... sometimes.....

CNY 2014


Yesterday was a happy and enjoyable day. Went out with Jimmy, Wingc, SG, WF, Oon, CM, Ylin and of course... YLing. Went for lunch and gambled at WF's place. The most happiest thing is getting 2 ang pows from YLing... but it's also a bit sad cause it means she's married. She wasn't 'cheap' too (like some ppl who gives very little ang pow money or will even run away from giving one) as her angpow is rm5 each. I'm happy that she has a good life... maybe. A cheapskate husband wont give that much... or is it her own decision? Ah, there I go, thinking too much again... haha.

Looks like my feelings for her is still there. Because I see myself looking at her when I got the chance... glimpsing at her how she got a little bit more 'meaty' (pls dont go fat!)... how nice she looks in her green skirt... how happy I feel, deep inside whenever I see her... how I missed her face and smile... how fun it is to tease her or call her name... how tingly I feel when she call mine. Yes... all these little things still makes me so happy even though she's married to the guy she love. Oh well, I guess a 10 years love is hard to shake off in just a year. I am still happy she's happy... just that I missed her... everything about her.

Yes, I need to get my acts together to totally forget about her. To the movies, today!

A new beginning?


YL posted a few pics on fb just now... it's rare for her to be online on fb, let alone post pics. Whenever she post pics of herself last time, the first thing I do is to scroll and take a look at all the pics... admiring which pic makes her the most attractive of all. Then I will save some (or all) of the pics, in case I want to see them again and she deleted it, which she don't.

But weird thing is... this time, I didnt scroll at all her pics. I just have an overall view of all her new pics and just see where she's been and how she looked. She looks a bit different... a bit skinnier and somehow... not that cute compared to last time. The most weird thing of all is... I don't want to save even one of her new pics. Wh... what happened to me?!? The reason I didnt save her pic was because... I hate her? No, I dont. I think the best explanation is because... I'm starting to let her go, for real this time. It's a good sign for the new year. The feeling that has been kept inside for so long... can finally be released.

Before long, I will totally forget her from my heart. Sadness will slowly be replaced with something better. Let's hope it's soon...

Wish her happiness with her new life


Ah... while I was busy with magic competitions last week, without realizing... she actually got married on the weekends. I get to know this on Sat, but there's nothing can be done as her wedding banquet is a closed one. So the girl that I loved for more than... 13 years, is finally getting married. I wish her happiness and wealth, the things that I couldn't give her... I truly do.

No tears are wept this time, maybe as I have already get ready for this moment years ago. The pain in the heart is still there, but I know it will slowly disappear like how it did with ylin. I just need to concentrate on my life and let her live her new one, happily. I will miss seeing her smile and wish it will be mine, I will miss missing her, I will miss her for being 'her'... yes, these nice and sometimes uncomfortable feelings will slowly dissipate with time. I don't know when but I hope it will be soon.

Goodbye YLing... this maybe the last post that I will ever write about you. Without her, a big part of this blog will be gone, undoubtedly. But the final candle has finished it's job and time to turn on the lights instead. I love you and wish you a happy life with the one you love, YLing... Watashi wa sayōnara, anata o aishite

Words of wisdom


"It is not a question of do I love you or not, but what is important is that he will be able to give you happiness and financial stability for your rest of your life. I know I couldn't."

Passing time


Slowly but surely, keeping myself busy so I won't wonder my mind over to 'her' again. Today while I was surfing facebook, I somehow got redirected to a comic strip blog, which I seen before and is very entertaining. Then they were having some kind of 'meet up' with other comic strip blogger, so I visited some of them. One of them was... how can I say... an 'emo blog', like mine haha. Anyway, the comic was simple, short but the message was clear. And I unexpectedly clicked and look at some of his older comics, which shows that his comic strips was not bad!

Hmmm... have thought of this before but never really make it into a reality, but I want to make a comic strip too. Rather than just typing my feelings into my blog, I can draw it out for people to see and maybe entertain them too, haha. I know because 'reality sells', especially when its real and from your own life experience. But how ah... draw on pen and paper, scan, color then post into blog? Or draw from comp straight and color from there (I think need the com pen thingy). Somehow feel motivated but also feels lazy... scare will just be a waste of time since not much ppl visit my blog anyway, haha. Wait... I think should make a new blog so ppl can't see my private blog in here. Don't want the whole world to know about me and YL, do we?

Will have a long and deep thinking about this... if it is to be good, it needs to be updated regularly, which I'm scared will not be easy doing it alone. Who wants in? Lol... stupid idea really, but I like to draw (even if my drawing sucks). Will try to make one next week. Must... remember!

P/S: YL, I know you are not watching this, but I just want to say... "aishiteru"

The new beginning


Weird... the first person who cared and asked what makes me sad last night was Robb, a fellow magic player, rather than my other close friends. Maybe they didn't know it... or didn't care, I don't know. The sadness is still lingering inside... sometimes I have flashback of how it was we first meet. Sometimes the feeling of regret comes back. But I somehow manage to keep it all under control... which I couldn't, the last time when I was courting YLin. Is it a sign that I have grown up... or is it a sign that my feelings is not so strong for her anymore?Last night I heard she will be marrying him 'behind closed doors'. WHAT!? She... and she agreed to that!?! Argh... that is so... not right! She deserves better than that. She deserves a wedding banquet, where she will be the main attraction of that night, her night. People will be able to see her in the most beautiful dress she will ever wear in her life, her wedding dress. But... but now all of that is not done, and she doesn't mind of that at all. A part of me is angry at the cheapskate boyfriend... but another part of me is in love with her even more, because there is rarely a girl who will do that for her future husband. She is so 'cincai', it makes me love her even more. Haha... what a joke. I didn't know she will be so 'cincai' till her wedding also like that. Way opposite of Daniel's gf, I must say... which is spreading like a 'disease' among girls nowadays, sigh.But I can't blame 100% on her... cause the 'bf' is also like that. So 'cincai' and anti social (even more than me) that we haven't seen him even ONCE. Maybe not even after she is married! So the love of my life's husband is a 'geek'... sad but actually I don't want to see him in person either. It may make me hate him even more, even though I never seen him before, lol. I heard he's not that good looking either, so I REALLY have no intention of seeing him.I hope and pray to God that I will at least be able to see her wedding pictures, where she will be the most beautiful princess in her life... and mine. I don't care if it sounds weird or desperate, it is my way of admiring her beauty for one...last... time, before she is officially someone's else wife.But after all these years of loving YL secretly from the shadows, there is somethings that I learned. I learned that people can still be happy watching their love one having a happy life from afar, even for many many years, and it doesn't happen only happen in movies or mangas. I learned to be stronger, for myself and for her, even if she doesn't know or care about it. I learned that love is something that could be so beautiful like a diamond, so ugly like a witch and so 'cincai' like... YL. I learned that it is ok to love someone one-sidedly for many years and still be good friends, as long as you can control your emotions like a boss. I learned that I prefer to be alone and single till I die, if I dont find someone I love so much and so deeply like YL and definitely will not be 'queen controlled', no matter how much I love her because I know that if she will do that to me, it shows that she doesn't love me as much as I do for her (as I will not do that to her too).It takes a lot of effort, pain, tears and time to really find the person you want to live with for the rest of your life, I know. Love is subjective and different from people to people, I know. Love is blind and there is no real explanation why he/she is so stupid enough to sacrifice so much for him/her, I know. Love changes you or may even turn you into something you despise before, I know. There are many things I learned about love from my own experience and from other people in my life, I know.So from all the things that I have learned and now knew about, what can I do when the girl I love the most is[...]

Sadness knows no boundaries


4 moths plus have passed, wow... what have happened to me these 4 months? One good thing is I passed my final paper, the FYP. I was unlucky that my group of 4, which at first looks like a good group and I was so glad to be in it, suddenly changed into a 2 person group. 1 of them wanted to stop studying because of 'no money' or 'no mood to study anymore', whichever his reason is. The second is the girl accidentally failed her paper, which resulted in her cannot taking the FYP (shit!). Anywaaaay, fortunately the girl decided to help us in finding ppl to act in our short movie, which changed AGAIN due to the lack of ppl suddenly. People used 6 months plus to plan and shoot. We used TWO, boy... that was the shit!To make matter worse, the 1 person in my group, was feeling 'down'... somehow 'cocky' imho. Why? Because he 'dares' to talk back to a lecturer, which is NOT good, no matter how shitty the lecturer is. Finally I realized he don't care if the project fails or not, because he doesn't NEED to get the adv dip as he got jobs already. Then Why The Tuut You Took The FYP In The First Place, You Dimwit!!??!Fine... I take it all in. It all boils down to me. If I dont push it, the FYP is as good as D.E.A.D. And I dont want that to happen as it will waste another year of my life. So F*** that shit, I tried to push and push. Done most of the job myself. Finally passed up the video to the lecturer. I was f**king scared that I will fail, cause I honestly feel its a piece of shit myself. But like a beam of light from the heavens, the lecturer and other ppl from outside who came to judge, didn't really tuut my movie that much! And in the end, we PASSED!!! My God... that was one of the happiest day of my life, I tell you! Can't believe it... and to make it better, the girl who helped us, the teacher planned to give her a pass too. Congrats!! It feels so good when your hard work finally pays off and helped a person on the way too, haha...Back to what happened just now, 29th of June. It has been a long time since I meet my Tarc friends. They were busy, I was busy with Magic, so it kind of stretched to a month or 2 since we meet. These few months have make me miss her so much, as usual. But finally when we meet, the bomb fell on me. Yes... the thing that I feared most has finally arrived. YL is planning to get married.I... was... stunned...... It felt like... my world suddenly turned black. The love of my life... finally getting married. Although I know it would happen, but when it really happen... it really takes a part of my life away. One of the saddest moment in my life, yet I have to pretend nothing has happened and chit chat with them all the way that night. My heart was weeping... my mind is confused... my soul has shattered... my feelings has fall down, deep into the abyss..... It was a night where I thought I can see her again. I did, and it turned out to be the night that I will forever lose her from my heart. YL, I love you... and I hope you all the happiness in the world with him. If he ever makes you cry, I will find him. And I will kill him...Words can't describe how much pain I am suffering right now. My tears are dry, I could not weep... why? Am I still self denying this fact? Is the pain so big, that it strikes me with too much of an impact that I feel no sadness anymore? No... the sadness is still there, but it is not bursting out... yet. I dont know why, but I have accepted this cruel fact. Now all I want to do is do well in finding a job and forgetting her, which undoubtedly takes a very, very, very long time. 13 years of love... how long will it takes to disappear? I am scared to think about it anymore. I don't want anymore tears flowing for a person who doesn't love me, again. I really will... m[...]

Blogging is not yet... dead??


Wow... 6 months no post. I'm amazed blogging still exists, lol. Practically what I always do last 2 years (blogging) now turns to Facebook-ing. The only reason why I post this time is just to paste an interesting article which I saw from the internet, to remind me myself, not to be as honest as I was, last time. Cause let's be true to ourselves, honest ppl doesn't survive anymore in this society. It a sad and sickening truth, and I learned it the hard way. Still I'm trying to be as honest as possible, most of the time. When I don't, you know it's because I'm FORCED to. Let's read on:WHAT WILL HONESTY GET YOU?#1: PEOPLE WILL STOP SPEAKING TO YOUForget personal branding. Start to dip your toes into personal  honesty. Let me tell you what will happen. Your family might stop speaking to you.I have experienced this not just from myself but all of the bloggers I  consider “honest bloggers”. Some of your friends will also stop speaking to you. Some of your colleagues will avoid you. Some investors will shun you. Your personal “network” will transform and shift.My own personal motto is: honesty to a point. I will never harm anyone. I believe in what Buddha said to his son Rahula the day after he showed upafter abandoning his son for 7 years: before, during, and even AFTER you say something, make sure it doesn’t hurt anyone.But even despite that rule, people will stop speaking to you because not every hurt you can control. Historical is hysterical for many people.#2 PEOPLE WILL THINK YOU ARE GOING TO KILL YOURSELFThe next thing that will happen is people will ask “are you killing yourself?” Because every blog post almost seems like a suicide note. #3 PEOPLE WILL THINK YOU ARE CRAZYThen people will send emails to your friends, “is he as crazy as he  sounds?” And that’s how I make friends now because introductions will be  made and people will have to find out for themselves.#4 PEOPLE WILL GET FRIGHTENEDSo they will call you names. Oh, that guy is just trying to be a  “contrarian”, for instance. Or an “idiot”. Or worse. I’ve been called  everything. I had to call the Brown University Public Safety office the  other day because I got emailed a death threat and the guy didn’t think I  could track him. The guy was a senior and had also apparently  threatened the life of a librarian there.They need to understand why you are telling the truth. Why you are  being honest about what you really think. In meetings at the office  everyone is quiet. You’re not supposed to speak up. So people will  dislike you, try to put you down, post comments, whatever. In many cases (but not all) these are what I call “crappy people”. And here’s how to deal with them. #5 PEOPLE WILL FIND YOU ENTERTAININGThen finally, people will come back to you. Because you’re  entertaining – if 20000 people are lying and only 1 person is telling  the truth then that 1 person is going to stand taller than anyone. At  first people will come back to you for voyeuristic reasons. Why? Because they know if they watch Real Housewives they aren’t watching anything “Real” and they aren’t watching “Housewives”. But you’re real. So they want to know what you’ll do next.#6 PEOPLE WILL TRUST YOUR ADVICEPeople will also come back for advice. Not always because they agree  with you. But because they know the advice is coming from the heart and  not because there is anything for sale. It’s like Google can’t cure  anything. But they can direct you to all the people who can. So you go  back to Google because you might not always find what you want but[...]

Dead blog!?


Omg... so long didn't update blog liao, last one was in February!? Wow... how time flies! Many things have happened in the past few months... Good ones, sad ones, happy ones, bad ones... most of the time is bad, but I try to keep my hopes up and live life as much as possible before I die, as best as I can.Forgotten what month already but I tried to go for an interview in TARC for the post of admin. I thought there was a light of hope when they called me for an interview there. I was damn nervous while waiting in the room for my turn (only 1 girl before me). But sadly the one interviewed me was an old hag... keep asking me this and that as what I did for all the times wasted earlier (yes I know I'm not young anymore, so what!?). In the end dunno gave me an excuse or really their policy, saying they can't hire somebody who is still studying in the college, as I am waiting to repeat my FYP. The feeling of rejection wasn't nice, as expected. It's like I felled off a 12 floor building... splat! But I again keep up a positive attitude, and just live on life and push my troubles behind me.So spent most of the time doing my bro's lawyer transcription thingy, which earns me really little. But at least for the first time I dont need to take any pocket money from my parents. Lately it gets even less and I couldn't bear it anymore, need to take some pocket money back else I really cant survive, damn...!Watched a lot of manga and some animes lately, cause got so much time in my hands. One thing I learned from those are that life is always full of downs, although more ups in virtue life. So what can we do to go on with this hardship called life? Just do your best, life happily and with no regrets. I don't care if I suddenly die tomorrow, because I know I have done what I want to do with my life, and the future are extras in my 'what I want to do with my life' book. The world is getting too crazy, hard and brutal. I wonder when will the world really destroy itself, if they keep messing up like this?A lot of news of ppl getting rob in bright daylight. Worse is it happens in public or at the most safe/un-thought of places. Damn they're brave! Ppl can't help the victims as they scare they will fall victim to them too, as some ppl died helping others in the news. Wish I can be Superman and whack kao all these suckers into jail for hurting or even killing ppl, just to get quick cash! Damn it, this world sucks!!!Another 1 thing I learned is 'if you dont have a big head, dont wear a big hat'. It means we should only do whatever we can, not overdoing it. Like ppl who doesn't earn much but go on buying expensive items. Are they called shopaholics or just damn spoiled!? They should just be left alone without any help, thus eventually will lose their spending urge, or go bankrupt for not paying their credit cards, haha. All ppl have their own weaknesses, I know... cause I too got many weaknesses. But if you dont solve it yourself, nobody can help you, even if they try. Cause the main power is in your own hands! Not only shopaholics, but also drug addicts, bullies, rapist, murderer, thieves, etc...I'm getting more and more philosophical lately, haha. Been playing much magic, and lately got into an argument with andy cause I was trying to help make more house rules, suitable for new players. But I got blamed and he deleted me from the McD magic group, then sendiri left my fb group. Then got the nerve to tell Razif I deleted him, big fat stinking liar! F**k him, I don't want a stupid fake liar as my friend. Lucky I noticed it earlier than later. He was a gangster in the first place too (knows a lot of bad friends). Better stay away from this kind of ppl else will drag me d[...]

Valentines Day 2012


Ah, another Valentine day spent alone... not entirely alone cause I got my new XBOX 360 d, mwahahaha! Anyway, last week I went for wedding with my best friends from TARC. Two cars went there, which is driven by Sam and CM. Sam's car got me, Oon and SG while CM's car got Jimmy, WingC, YLing. First we meet up at the Jalan Ipoh famous dim sum area. Then we started our journey for Sophiya's wedding lunch. Went early to find the place by GPS. Found it liao then went for yamcha at a nearby mamak.

We did a mistake by eating too much for breakfast and thus did not eat a lot for the wedding lunch. The food was ok, and most of us only pau RM60 cause kampung area + we need travel so far + no wedding card + not that 'close'. Wow, need to take these into considerations when pau the next wedding lunch/dinner, haha.

Finish d then we went to pray a bit at a nearby small temple which is just nearby the restaurant. Then did some 'chau jim' and I asked for relationship question. The paper I got said something about me pretending to be a hero and need to buckle up more in order to get one. I got pretend to be hero meh!? But the second one was right... sigh! T_T

Then took some photos with Sophiya before heading back. Thought of going for a short Dota session but Oon need to be back early, thus we all headed back then. Sad... A fun filled day with my friends nevertheless.

Now on the story of YL... it's the first time I think I meet up with YL this year, and to confirm it I asked Sam and he said yeah. No wonder feels like a thousand years didn't meet her liao. Then when we sat down on the table in Sophiya's wedding lunch, I did not expect her to sit next to me, which makes me even more happy, haha. SG and CM sit next table as YLin's son and maid occupied liao the table. Good for them, hehe... XD

Anyway regardless to say, although we just sit next to each other, my heart is far from reaching her. The happiest moment was when she sits near to my side when taking pictures. Not VERY near, just nearer, but enough to make me happy for a long while, haha. We did talk more than usual and Sam beside me helps me to gain courage in making conversations with her. Damn I miss her so much deep inside, more than I thought I would. F*** it, stop feeling like this la! Get married soon YL and kill this feeling I have for you for so long, PLEASE! It's killing me!! T_T

Happy SAD To All! (Single Awareness Day, haha)

The first post of the year!


Wow, so long didnt blog liao... maybe busy with life, that's why... haha. These couple of week have been going out a lot with the TARC gang, which is nice as staying at home playing LOL is not healthy. But it also means my pocket money is going thin! Luckily I got some extra cash from working with my bro else really cannot support going out, eating, yamchaing and most of all... Magic! Yup, the pre-release has passed, which is on the weekend of CNY week, walao. Got some nice mystics and rares but not exp ones. Overall ok but my bro rugi. Razif n Kel Veen most untung, haha...

Let's talk about CNY this year 1st. This new year has been good and bad. Bad I don't want to mention here la... good is we got an increment of 300% from our angpows from our parents, woohoo! RM300 baby, that's a lot for 3 of us! Thus with the new TV from last year, it is time to upgrade our video game console to... XBOX 360! Really wanted to buy PS3 but with no/rare pirated copies now, better buy XBOX 360 to save cost. If all goes well, will be taking the XBOX (buying second hand) from Jimmy tonight.

But this year CNY never seen YL before... either she balik kampung or busy. Sad to say she is now back to her old self. Doesn't reply sms and lazy to come out yamcha with us. Soon I won't even have the energy to ask her yamcha anymore. Why? Because I hate people who doesn't answer my sms whether they going or not. Not going also must reply! If you lazy, then I will also lazy to ask you out next time. I sms to A LOT while you only sms to ME. If 1 also you cannot handle than the same goes to me for you. Mr Daniel you also one of them! >(

Miss her that is why I'm mad? Haha... maybe. Well, counting back... its been 9 years that I loved her, secretly. She having a bf now is slowly making me forget her, but a 9 year love is hard to recover. Whenever I have free time or see people in love, I will think of her. I don't want to admit it but my heart is lonely, haha. So I will cure it with work and the new XBOX I'm getting soon. YL, BEGONE!!! *poof* lol

Argh, with Valentines coming, it doesn't help me neither. YL faster get married so I will not think of you or miss you anymore! Wish I could just rip my heart out...

Anyway one day during the CNY period asked Kim Hoe and Chun Siong, both which I'm not in good terms with last time, for dinner (bak kut teh). Kim Hoe I can slowly accept back as a friend but CS... no way, yet. Seeing how he never improved, I prefer to think of him as a wall/stone. I will consider him not around when he is nearby! lol...

Work... need to find work starting next month. A bit scared and no confidence... sigh, where should I start? ><

Looking back of 2011


So the year's gonna end... was it a good year for me? So so la... not very good but not bad either. This year I managed to find a new group of friends in TARC, which includes me is 4 guys. Last year was bad cause I need to find a group every time there is a group assignment, sigh. So thanks to the 3 guys, I wasn't that lonely or groupless, which I am very thankful of :)

My family life is also getting better... bought a 42 inch LCD TV, which is a big level up compared to the 2 color CRT TV which we endured for a long time already. With my bro getting more works for his co-op business, I can help him do some work which also rank me some cash. Can say this is the first time I really earn money for myself, haha. Yes, a bit too old to only start raking in money but I have no complains :)

It was sad these couple of months as I failed my FYP, the guilt and pain of letting my parents down was huge. Nonetheless they understand it and hope I will do better next time. Feel so happy and thankful when they said that, haha. I will be a better man next year and try to find some real jobs to do while awaiting to finish my Advance Diploma! XD

Love life is not good... well, it's never been good in the first place, haha. YL finally has a bf, which I am happy for her (and I am lying if I deny having that 'sadness' in my heart) but overall... I really hope her the best. She is now more lively and beautiful, due to the power of love I suppose, haha. All the best YL... me and CM will hope for nothing less. :)

Also able to meet some nice good friends in Magic... especially Razif, Amie and Ezzy. It's nice to see multi racial can still sit together and have fun without caring about what racist crap there is out there. Also started to get involved in standard again, which is better as EDH is not tournament competitive, although its fun. Will try to be more serious in Magic next year, woohoo! XD

Since I am again free next year, besides finding for work... may want to try out something new for a change. New hobby? Diet? (old story set anew, haha) Improve my drawing skills? learn to be an expert in some softwares? New magic decks? (haha) With all the time in the world, I really should do something about it... not because I'm forced to, because I want to :)

Happy New Year everybody~!

Merry Christmas 2011


It almost doesn't feel like the year is about to pass... so fast time really flies, in a blink of an eye and 2012 is already coming. Last weekend had been a very fun filled week, at least for me. And what better way to spend Christmas than with friends (also got with family la, haha).Let's start with Sat. Last Sat took LRT to Sg Wang where we Singk, only four of us including Sam, SG and CM. Others are either busy with their own plans or just didn't respond to our invitation. I went even though wasn't feeling well cause just recovered (not fully) from diarrhea. Lucky was alright after I went there.After Singk in redbox low yat, went to eat n yamcha again cause they not full eating the food in redbox. Spent a long time chatting there about almost everything, haha... Then called Daniel and as anticipated, he's going to find her gf at night. So I planned to follow CM to his house and then follow Daniel back, so I don't need to waste time and money travel back alone XD Anyway, was shocked cause SG also followed me. I guess CM promised will send her back, so nice of him...!So went to YL house, watch a movie and all of us went out for dinner, which cost a bomb in Subang Parade. Daniel la... nothing to do go so far for what? He said wanted to buy something... which I'm not sure if he really did buy anything in the end. Oh well... then go to Asia Cafe to yamcha while countdown by ourselves for Christmas, lol. Daniel half way went back to fetch his gf come and join us, with 2 thingy wiggling on top of his head ROTFLOL! Looks like her gf wore the traditional santa hat while he wore the cute ver, which... supposed to be wore by girls? haha... I admire his courage to wear it and find us in Asia Cafe, where most strangers will be too (plus other mixed feelings)... lololol.Ah... the power of love, I must say its a power nobody really can predict. After around 1am we start our journey back. CM was feeling not well, so Daniel send SG back, after sending her gf back. A tiring but happy and funny day, lol...Sunday, which was yesterday... went out for a big eating with parents and my 2 bro in Festival City. Thought of eating Esquire Kitchen cause my bro say there's one but in the end there wasn't. So we end up eating at Seoul Garden, a buffet with grill and steamboat with a bit of Korea essence. As expected of its name, it was expensive... one person nearly RM40, thus all of us cost a wooping near RM200. But it was fun, and its been a long time since we ate like that (or is it the first? forgot, haha). Then I went to find Sam and SG which is there to find me earlier and even went for 1 hour of karaoke to wait for me lunch. So nice of them XDIt was all thanks to Sam for being so 'hyped' up and fetch me and SG go and back so we can hang out with YL them. Really nice guy, haha. After we left from Festival City we got a bit lost because I asked Sam to input into his GPS Summit Square but it was actually Summit USJ. When we reached, thought of going to Sunway Pyramid for movie but they say will be very jam with ppl... so in the end watch movie in YL's house. 3 movie in the end we watched, nice nevertheless. Oh went for a vegan dinner and bought some food back for the last movie. It was nice to be able to watch movie for free while surrounded by friends, haha. Oh ya, saw Oon for a while then he left cause he came back for his camera.From the 2 days we chat about a lot of things. But the most memorable ones was about YL, no need say, lol... It's funny when she said she feel her time is being sucked by her bf when her bf went to see her in her home (because she cant[...]

Friend's wedding dinner


Ah... just back from a nice wedding dinner in Times Square. It's Hie Mee's wedding dinner. Although I seldom talk to her but she was nice enough to invite me also, so I went! And in our table number 18, which is quite near to the front than waaaay at the back, was YLing, CMing, WingC, Weng Foo, CYen and her husband + sister and one more dude I don't really know but seen before. 9 person instead of 10. Ah Fei, which YL loved last time, was in another table with her gf, I think. Ronnie was alone in the vegan table because SP was feeling unwell. I was lucky Hie Mee didn't put me apart from all of them, thanks Hie Mee! XD

It was fun all the way as we chat, make jokes and tease each other while cheering a lot of time (me, non alcohol, thus using Chinese tea or coke, haha). Sam somehow able to make WingC drank a lot of red wine, which she says won't make her drunk. She really is not drunk, but a bit she is... haha. I can feel that she is more happy and free when she is drunk. Smiling and laughing more, like the WingC I know last time. I guess people change when they goes into the working world, unavoidable... but most of the time make people worse than when they are happily studying. Yes, that includes you Daniel, lol... or maybe Daniel change because of her gf? Ya, I think that would be more of the case for Daniel, haha... Dont tuut me because I am just saying the truth, like what I always do in my blog, wakaka XD

Anyway, YL went too, and she was as pretty as she always is in a yellowish white dress and high heels. Her lips isn't fully recovered yet but her eyes are back to normal. She was a bit quiet and I tried to talk to her as much as possible to cheer up her spirits as I think she isn't feeling good because of the infection on her mouth. Poor YL...

The wedding dinner was awesome. The food was great, and Sam said the Shark Fin soup we drank (one person one medium sized bowl) was really the real thing. I tried it out and it doesn't taste different from the other shark fins I tasted before. Maybe I am just the type who can't appreciate luxury foods, haha. Then later the vegan table, all of them left. But food is still served on their table! Since Hie Mee coincidentally came to out table for 'yamseng', I asked her if we could have the other empty table food to not waste it. She said ok, and we asked the waiters to tapau all the food for us to bring home, since we can't finish them surely, haha. And in the end of the wedding we did bring some back, so everyone was happy with not only souvenirs (a small wedding pic of the couple and a pair of chopsticks) but food too! XD

Then Sam sent me back to Wangsa Maju LRT. He used his newly brought GPS, which I earlier accompanied him to Lowyat where he bought it. It was convenient and suitable for him as he doesn't know the way to Wangsa Maju from there (must be too long in Abu Dhabi, haha). It makes me want to buy one too so I can travel to anywhere I want without fearing of being lost! But RM420... that's quite a hefty sum. See how la. Maybe I can save enough money from helping SKY do his work to buy one myself XD

Life is still sweet, not as dark as I thought it would be...


Ah... today I feel so relieved after lifting that one ton guilt in my heart. I did the most terrifying, ok... maybe only for me, thing there is... to tell my parents I failed my FYP and I need to wait another year to resit and graduate my Advanced Diploma.

It's my fault for trying to do the impossible... to do a hand animation entirely by myself, when I am still noob in drawing animation characters properly. I was very sad and my heart was so heavy, my head filled with ache... what can I do!? Nothing... I tried my best and in the end shoot with a machine gun by that bastard Aaron n even the damn Bern shoot at me, with silly questions like 'what did you learn all this while in multimedia?'... It was damn sarcastic and I was already shivering from doing presentation, so I just shoot whatever my mind can think while smiling to keep a positive attitude. Then the damn Aaron says I am not taking it seriously... F**K?! So what do you want me to do? Cry and beg for forgiveness in front of other students?!? I keep my head high, smiling... but deep inside the scars were deeper than the depths of Hell.

But now I feel so free... so happy, with no more worries or guilt. F**K them, I don't need to see them anymore... until next year. I will stay positive like what my parents want me to be. They encouraged me and say its alright, try again next year. I know they are sad cause I already wasted so much of my time studying, but I will start working next year. I must leave my nest and try to flap my wings into the dreaded world below. Even if I fail, at least I tried... I must.

Last Sunday was also a happy day because although I went to Submit, I did not join the tournament (my bro did and he lost). So I smsed YL and CMing if they want to come out for lunch or something, and they agreed. So the 3 of us had lunch and went for window shopping with YL... it was fun, cause I got to hang out with YL, ahhh :)

One of the happiest day of my life!


Today went for dinner and yamcha with Weng Foo (which just came back last month and see him 1st time today), SG, WingC and Jimmy. It was fun and enjoyable. Then we went to Desa Park City where CM and YL joined. Now why is today one of the most happiest day of my life? Because of:

1. On the way driving to find Jimmy, YL sms-ed me and say she could not come because CM not coming. At the end of the message she added a smiley face of :P.... OMG, first time she used smiley, I am so happy to see one in MY sms! XD

2. While we were talking I forgot what I asked her... I think I asked her 'why you don't bring you bf along' or something like that. She replied with a >< and :P... she took out her lips a little while closing her eyes like that... IT WAS SO CUTE! OMG... since when she start doing all these cute stuffs!?! And she do it to ME... I was so happy and feel honored. Maybe it is because she's in love, maybe its because she's starting to change... but she doing :P to me in real life really melts my heart in an instance, so happy to see it! XD

Ah... YL has changed so much since she has a bf. I dont know if the bf is really her first and last or not, but I wish her happiness... if its with the current bf, then let it be. Be happy Yee Ling... for me... and for CM who I knows also love you a lot. You deserve non other..... :)

Thoughts for her


How come I am thinking 'what if he is not suitable for her?'... when YL's current bf have been sending her to Klang every 3 times a week from her house, and that's nearly an hour drive! How come I am scared if she will be cheated by the man, when she is already old enough to think for herself? How come I am having all these thoughts, when she does not even think about me?!?

Haha... I guess this is what people call as 'finding useless trouble for your ownself'. Maybe I am still coping with the fact... maybe I just need more time to forget her totally. 11 years, I bet I could not take that long to love another girl next time before asking her to be my gf, haha... 11 years is a long long time to love another girl secretly... 11 years thinking of her, how much time needed to forget?

I wish I could just take out that piece of heart that yearns for her everyday and throw it away... I wish I could delete the memories and thoughts I have for her, then I will not suffer anymore... I wish I could be strong enough to go through the days without thinking of her which makes me crazy and lonely... thought I do not wish I never knew her in the first place.

Give me some time and I will forget her totally... yes, time is my only medicine... time will heal.

The day I feared for 11 years has finally arrive~


Just now went for yamcha with YL, EChing, Jimmy, WingC and CMing. I was happy caused it has been weeks of not able to see her and suddenly when I first see her today, I feel something different about her. She looked prettier... way prettier than normal. Is her make up skill so good now, or did she went for some exercise programs? I nearly couldn't recognize that beautiful girl, and later I knew why...

She break up the news to us that she is now officially coupled with a boy... so now she has a bf! The moment she said that it was like a thousand, no, millions of razor sharp blade went through my heart... and my heart died in an instant. But quickly I regained my consciousnesses and said 'Good la, I'm happy for you...' Haha, actually its half true.

I'm VERY sad because the girl I have secretly in love with for 11 years are now a couple with another guy I dont know. But actually another part of my heart feel relieved... because I know now that my heart can finally be put to rest, no need to wonder if she will accept me in the future or not... the hope will die and I will wish her happiness with her new found and first accepted bf...

I am so sad... tears cannot come out of my eyes. Yet I feel relieved and happy for her... if she did not have a bf, she would not be so happy today. She will not look so much cheerful and full of energy like today. She won't be the wonderfully beautiful YL that I saw, today...

I am still very happy when she thanked me for helping her Google some stuffs for her prom night thingy in the coffeebean of desa park city. I will forever remember this night... the night she told me that she has been accepted by another man... The night I wish her eternal happiness with her love one... The night that my heart finally died......

Stressed and lonely


As I wait here aimlessly in front of my computer for the arrival of my new LCD TV (yeah, finally changed my old 10++ year TV!), I start to think what am I doing with my life. Up until now I still feel pressured by the damn FYP because my supervisor ask me do this and when I present to a panel of lecturers, they rejected it. Mostly is my fault, cause now only I realized my storyboarding skill sucks... sigh!

Still hanging, dunno what to do... sms lecturer but no reply. I feel like giving up in this fyp... but its my last sem, I should finish it and start work... too old to still studying, sigh...! So to relieve myself from all this stress I turn to Magic... it can help me release tension, use some brain power and at the same time maybe profit from it. But all are too busy with their own work so I can't test my standard decks myself. Another dead end, sigh...!

So sien and tension I am that I have no time to think about love at all... unless somehow my mind wonders there again. YL... yeah, she can't seem to disappear from my mind no matter how hard I try. Then I read some quotes which fits me perfectly. It says 'You are not giving up in love but trying to move on' and 'I feel happy to love you from afar when I know I could not get your love'. It looks like I am not the only person in this situation, where I love her so much but people see me as silly to still cling on in this love. Ya, I know she won't love me but I just couldn't stop loving her from afar... it's too irresistible, the hope is undying, I feel happy whenever I think of her... you can say it's like a drug. A mind drug that makes me feel happy and sad... but the only feeling that I will never let go... the feeling of being alive.

I have a bad vibe that I will not able to graduate again, sigh... f**k it, let me end this misery now!