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Apple's Breaxit scandal: Frenchman smashes up €50,000 of iThings with his big metal balls

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 20:33:30 GMT

Fuming frenchie causes a oui bit of damage

A French man has been charged after he stormed into an Apple store and smashed up iPhones and MacBooks using a metal ball that is more commonly used for the traditional game of pétanque.…

Google, Facebook etc rush to defend US govt in last-minute ICANN internet takeover lawsuit

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 19:33:58 GMT

Mad dash on eve of critical IANA transition

A slew of internet organizations have come to the support of the US government in a last-minute lawsuit designed to prevent the handover of critical internet functions at midnight on Friday.…

No surprise: Microsoft seeks Windows Update boss with 'ability to reduce chaos, stress'

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 19:27:53 GMT

Reduce it for Redmond's engineers, that is – not you

Microsoft wants to hire a particularly thick-skinned person to help run its Windows Updates team.…

Yahoo! couldn't! detect! hackers! in! its! network! but! can! spot! NSFW! smut! in! your! office?

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 18:56:41 GMT

Web giant offers open-source AI-powered X-rated pic hunter

Having laid bare over half a billion usernames and passwords through meager funding and witless indifference, Yahoo! is putting its faith in artificial intelligence to protect people from bare skin.…

Upstart bags $2.5m to help put the brakes on self-driving car hackers

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 18:22:37 GMT

Sales of connected autonomous vehicles by 2025 projected to be 70% of light-duty vehicles

Israeli car security startup Karamba Security has banked $2.5m in fresh investment, which it plans to use to extend its technology to autonomous vehicles.…

Ex-army sergeant pleads guilty to using private browsing mode

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 15:59:13 GMT

Former Royal Signals SNCO previously convicted of making indecent images of children

A disgraced former Territorial Army sergeant convicted of making indecent images of children has pleaded guilty to using private browsing mode on his iPhone and iPad.…

Quadsys Five walk free after hacking rival company

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 15:30:08 GMT

Directors disqualified

Five senior staffers at security reseller Quadsys managed to avoid imprisonment today.…

[NSFW] Blighty's telly, radio watchdog Ofcom does a swear

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 14:55:34 GMT

Tits=medium, bellend=strong

NSFW UK comms regulator Ofcom has released in-depth research into the British public’s attitudes to fucking swearing.…

SETI's mega alien hunt shovels more data onto IBM's cloud

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 14:39:36 GMT

Citizen boffins: Help find the alien that ultimately kills us all

The SETI project, which hunts for alien life and has generated hundreds of terabytes of data every day, has poured its bits over IBM’s cloud for citizen scientists to pick over.…

Dirty diesel backups will make Hinkley Point C look like a bargain

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 14:05:12 GMT

Capacity margin 0.1 per cent this winter – prepare to shiver

Britain signed off on the most costly energy deal it has ever made this week – but the price we agreed for energy from Hinckley is still lower than the peak prices that will hit British wallets even harder, and sooner.…

Microsoft boasts its cloudy Hadoop big data mill's faster than yours

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 13:36:06 GMT

Open-sourcier Redmond talks up speed, security gains for Azure HDInsight

Microsoft has overhauled its cloud-hosted Azure HDInsight Hadoop big data mill with extra security in the shape of enhanced authentication and identity management features plus a claimed 25 times performance boost in crunching big data queries.…

Telcos hit out against plans to hike their broadband rates

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 13:18:06 GMT

BT alone expects its rates to more than quadruple

Broadband providers have rallied against draft plans to hike up the cost of business rates, which will result in a "steep" increase for broadband providers laying infrastructure.…

Tiery-eyed NetApp previews on-prem storage and cloud tie-up

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 13:06:05 GMT

FabricPool takes Data Fabric further with dynamic data movement to AWS

NetApp has previewed a FabricPool technology which combines on-premises and AWS cloud storage into a single repository.…

NHS trusts ‘complacent’ on cloud app security risks

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 12:36:04 GMT

Do we block unsanctioned ones? Well half of us think we do...

Almost half of NHS Trusts make no attempt to monitor cloud app usage, according to the results of a Freedom of Information request.…

EU's YouTube filter plan was revised '37 times'

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 12:17:07 GMT

How Brussels made its copyright sausage

The European Union's plan to get YouTube clean up its act – the proposed updates to copyright for the Digital Single Market – went through 37 revisions before emerging earlier this month: and the movie chiefs were nervous.…

Portsmouth bomb about to be detonated

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 12:05:07 GMT

Watch out on the Isle of Wight

Dredgers clearing Portsmouth harbour in the UK have found yet another unexploded Second World War bomb.…

Dublin shopkeeper catches forecourt fouler with his pants down

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 11:41:48 GMT

Breathless reporter probes curbside crapper

An after midnight muckspreader who has been terrorising a Dublin* neighbourhood has been caught in the act by the very shopkeeper whose forecourt he’d been befouling.…

One-way Martian ticket: Pick passengers for Musk's first Mars pioneer squad

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 11:17:34 GMT

Return trip, ya say? Sure, in another two years

Admit it. You were tempted to fulfil your sci-fi fantasy – no, not that one – and apply to Mars One Foundation to become a Red Planet pioneer three years back.…

Got a great IOT story to tell? You have a week to let us know

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 11:04:05 GMT

Building IOT CFP deadline looms

Reg Events The deadline to get your proposals in Building IOT London is just a week away, so if you want to tell an audience of real world tech pros about your real world experiences developing and implementing the internet of things, don't delay.…

What’s that Sooty? You want a girlfriend?

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 11:00:13 GMT

BBC DG intervened in sexy puppet row

The BBC Director-General was forced to intervene in a row over providing children’s puppet Sooty with a lady friend.…

Business to be given more scope to quit crap broadband contracts

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 10:49:40 GMT

Providing ISPs have signed 'up to' the voluntary code, that is

UK businesses are to receive more accurate data on broadband speeds before signing up to a contract, under a voluntary code coming into force from Ofcom today.…

Rosetta spacecraft set for smash landing

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 10:29:11 GMT

Slow drop finale

Update The European Space Agency was set to crash its Rosetta space probe into comet 67P/Churyumov-Gerasimenko as the final stage of its 12-year research mission at 12.18pm BST today (7:18am EDT).…

Amazon: Students, we'll give you $2.5m for a chat-up, AI?

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 10:12:12 GMT

Chatbot interaction needs to be 'natural', though

Amazon is offering teams of university students the chance to claim their share of a $2.5m prize for developing the best “socialbot” capable of holding a natural language conversation.…

Invasion of the Brandsnatchers: How Nokia and BlackBerry inhabit the afterlife

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 09:03:08 GMT

Ghosts in the Machine

Analysis Early next year you should able to buy Nokia phones and BlackBerry phones, two of the giant names of the Noughties. None of these phones will be made by Nokia or BlackBerry, and all of them will be Android phones. The famous brands will inhabit new bodies, with the licensees hoping to rekindle some nostalgia both giants once enjoyed.…

My moment face-to-face with Google's AI: It feels your pain, sometimes

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 08:38:06 GMT

Sentiment analysis might just be useful

Comment At Google's Horizon cloud event in San Francisco on Tuesday, the ad giant demonstrated its Cloud Vision API through what it called the GCP Emotobooth. Less of a booth than a corner of a room covered by a connected camera, the experience combined all the forced fun of making faces on demand with the dubious pleasure of having one's mind read by a machine.…

Big data and the cloud: It's not even that scary

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 08:19:06 GMT

Don't believe the marketeers

Sysadmin blog Once all the marketing is cleared away, just what is big data, and how does it help real businesses of all sizes? Marketing would have us believe that big data is new, huge, terrifying, complicated, impossible without their help and yet will deliver unmatched benefits. Like many things in tech, however, big data is really just an iterative evolution of things most businesses already do.…

Robo-boat biz ASV inks licence for auto-speedboat tech

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 08:08:08 GMT

That's the one a human drove during its public launch

The Ministry of Defence has licensed its Advanced Unmanned Surface Vehicle robot boat tech to roboat biz ASV Global.…

Panasonic wants you to wear Li-Ion batteries. The ones that explode

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 07:39:12 GMT

Claims bendy battery won't burn, is ideal for credit-card-sized gadgets

Panasonic says it's built a bendy Lithium-Ion battery safe enough to be built into “Card devices, devices attached to the human body, smart clothing [and] wristband wearable devices.”…

Google finds its G Suite spot: Renames apps, talks up AI and BigQuery

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 07:19:11 GMT

'We really are serious about the enterprise,' insists enterprise head Greene

Analysis The invitation for Google's latest cloud sales pitch, dubbed "Horizon" because the company has already had its way with "Atmosphere", on Thursday directed attendees to The Mint.…

Top interview: Dr Patrick McCarthy – boss of the world's future largest optical telescope

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 07:01:09 GMT

From the Giant Magellan 'scope to science and what the nightlife is like in Chile

Pics + vids Construction has now started on the Giant Magellan Telescope – which will be the world's largest optical viewing device mankind has ever built – using record-breaking mirrors and advanced electronics.…

Curiosity sniffs Mars' odd atmosphere wafting out of its soil

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 06:42:12 GMT

Nuclear-powered laser space tank loves the smell of exotic xenon isotopes in the morning

Mars' atmosphere is wafting up from its cold, dead soil, according to new findings from the Curiosity Rover.…

Security analyst says Yahoo!, Dropbox, LinkedIn, Tumblr all popped by same gang

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 06:17:47 GMT

Says five-strong 'Group E' may have lifted a billion Yahoo! records, sells to states

Five hackers are said to be behind breaches totalling up to a staggering three billion credentials from some of the world's biggest tech companies including the Yahoo! breach that led to the loss of 500 million credentials.…

Termination fees for terminated people now against the law

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 06:05:12 GMT

New rules in New York to stop American ISPs and power companies charging dead folks

The US state of New York has had to pass a law to stop telcos and utility companies from charging fees to the deceased.…

User couldn't open documents or turn on PC, still asked for reference as IT expert

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 05:30:07 GMT

Also misplaced cables … erm ... creatively

ON-Call Thank Cthulhu it's Friday, because that means the weekend is at hand and we can offer you another instalment of On-Call to show what happens when support calls ruin your personal time.…

Salesforce asks Europe to stop Microsoft buying LinkedIn after itself trying to buy LinkedIn

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 05:03:24 GMT

And asked on the day EC competition tsar gave speech on 'Big Data and Competition'

Salesforce has called on the European Commission to block Microsoft's acquisition of LinkedIn.…

Microsoft will let you pass and fail cert exams at the same time

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 03:28:57 GMT

Upgrade tests no longer require you to pass all components, for the sake of balance

Microsoft has made a change to the way it marks re-certification exams, removing the requirement to pass all components of a test. The new regime means you'll pass the exam even if you fail some components.…

Tokyo man arrested for selling jailbroken iPhones

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 02:28:27 GMT

Allegedly crocked iKit came preloaded with cracked cheater game app

A 24 year-old Tokyo man has been arrested on suspicion of trademark violation for allegedly selling five jailbroken iPhones, local media report.…

Want to make US$1.5m this weekend? Just jailbreak iOS

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 01:08:21 GMT

Zerodium triples iOS exploit bounty to $1.5M, doubles 'droid to $200k

Exploit broker Zerodium has tripled its bug bounty for a remote iOS 10 jailbreak vulnerability to US$1.5 million.…

Google announces eight new cloud regions, new support model

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 00:18:58 GMT

I'm too SaaSy for Mumbai, too SaaSy for Sydney, São Paulo and Finland (and more)

Google has announced a big expansion of its cloud, with new regions planned for Mumbai, Singapore, Sydney, Northern Virginia, São Paulo, London, Finland and Frankfurt … and those are just the ones it plans to turn on during 2017. The company's also planning to announce more regions in the future.…

Oracle loses (again) in battle to get Google Java case retried (again)

Thu, 29 Sep 2016 23:23:39 GMT

More imminent: Heat death of the universe – or Big Red giving up appeals?

Oracle has been turned away in its latest effort to get a new trial for its Java API copyright claim against Google.…

Ladies in tech, have you considered not letting us know you're female?

Thu, 29 Sep 2016 22:08:26 GMT

Old rich white man comes up with perfect solution to tech sexism

Stop press It's one of the most pervasive problems in tech: ingrained sexism that sees women looked over for promotion or often not given a job in the first place.…

'Syrian Electronic Army' goon extradited from Germany now coughs to hacking, extortion

Thu, 29 Sep 2016 20:59:00 GMT

His crime boss The Shadow remains at large

An associate of the self-styled Syrian Electronic Army has been sentenced to five years in an American prison for his part in running a cyber extortion scheme against businesses around the world.…

Four US states demand restraining order to stop internet power handover to ICANN

Thu, 29 Sep 2016 20:04:43 GMT

Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma, Nevada sue Uncle Sam

Four states' attorneys general have filed suit to prevent the transition of critical internet functions from the US government to non-profit ICANN this Friday.…

Verizon techie sold people's call logs at $75 a head to private dick

Thu, 29 Sep 2016 19:00:47 GMT

Prison looms for telco insider who flogged subscriber records to dodgy investigator

A former Verizon Wireless employee is facing time behind bars after he pled guilty to selling customer records.…

Badda-Bing, badda-doom: Microsoft search guru heads up giant's new AI boffinry unit

Thu, 29 Sep 2016 18:31:47 GMT

Deep Thought? I don't think you're going to like this answer

With all the hype buzz surrounding artificial intelligence right now, Microsoft has decided to repurpose its long-established Microsoft Research division into a new group focused chiefly on AI development.…

Why XPoint SSDs won't meet original speed claims: A guide

Thu, 29 Sep 2016 16:03:06 GMT

It's not just the media, stupid

Comment Objective Analysis analyst Jim Handy has come up with a theory which he claims explains why Intel and Micron’s 3d XPoint memory will not meet its original performance claims.…

Microsoft widens Edge browser bug hunt for bounty hunters

Thu, 29 Sep 2016 15:41:06 GMT

Keeping you in hoodies

Microsoft has expanded its programme for rewarding those who find and report bugs in its Edge browser, enabling bounty hunters to claim their prize for a broader range of vulnerabilities.…

Human rights orgs take Five Eyes nations to court

Thu, 29 Sep 2016 15:22:35 GMT

UK/USA to sit in dock at ECHR over backbone collection mischief

Human rights organisations have today made the most direct legal challenge against the UK and USA's surveillance activities since they were first revealed in 2013.…

VESK coughs up £18k in ransomware attack

Thu, 29 Sep 2016 15:02:06 GMT

Biz took the precaution to pay up as a belt and braces approach

Exclusive Hosted desktop and cloud provider VESK is staggering back to its feet after paying 29 Bitcoins (£18,600) in a ransomware attack earlier this week.…

Microsoft's chums Dell, HPE and Lenovo give Azure Stack a shout-out

Thu, 29 Sep 2016 14:26:05 GMT

Mover over, devs, and bring me a chequebook

Cloud isn’t what it used to be. Amazon’s AWS began life like open source, with the same net result: a developer secret that became an infrastructure fact.…