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causticTech



a caustic look at all things tech



Updated: 2007-06-22T11:45:25-04:00

 



the interview zoo

2007-06-22T11:45:25-04:00

so... for the last few months i've been doing interviews in order to fill some development positions that have opened up. fuck man... i can't think of anything more fucking soul-leeching (and depressing) than having to give "the technical interview."... so... for the last few months i've been doing interviews in order to fill some development positions that have opened up. fuck man... i can't think of anything more fucking soul-leeching (and depressing) than having to give "the technical interview."  as i see it, there are two major, major, major fucking issues with this ungodly, unholy process. both these issues more or less make sure that it will never fucking work. they would be: the potential candidate the  interviewers why don't we start with... the potential candidates what is happening today? has some fucking alien civilization pointed a planet-wide ray-gun at our fucking world, bypassed the "stun" and "kill" settings,  went straight to the dreaded "stupid beyond all fucking belief" setting,  and just let it rip???? i just don't fucking get it. due to my own complete lack of fucking knowledge in software development, i don't consider myself to be too tough an interviewer (although i guess it's all relative). nevertheless though, i do have some minimum expectations such as: you must be breathing (if possible without the assistance of your mouth or terry gilliam-like portable iron-lung machine) you must be able to show up dressed (as long as you're not naked, anything will do) you must understand basic personal hygiene (anything past basic and we're pushing it here, folks) regardless of the language you speak, your entire vocabulary should not consist of only the words "like", "um", and "ajax" or their foreign equivalents (and you better fucking believe me... i know them when i hear them) i'm going out on a limb here, but i think that it is probably a good fucking idea not open the interview with questions regarding sexual harassment and how tolerant we are of pornography in the work place jesus, if you can get past those few simple guidelines, you're almost HALFWAY THERE!!!! it truly is a fucking unfortunate state of affairs that these basic minimums cut my pool of fucking candidates down to about 10%. for your convenience, i've broken down what's left of the available pool of candidates by type (this is by no means comprehensive... feel free to let me know of others). let's take a look at these animals... bookman ah... this one took me by  total fucking surprise. i would never expected that this kind of thing is now socially acceptable... i think an example here would more than adequately convey what i mean: caustic interviewer: so... tell me a little bit about blah-blah-blah... bookman (looking straight into caustic interviewer's eyes): well... that was never mentioned in the book that I read... how important can it be?? well blow me down!!! i had no idea people were just so fucking blatant about this shit in today's world. as much as i would like to say that the above was modified for dramatic effect, it wasn't. let me get this straight... wait... i just can't. how the fuck is that kind of answer supposed to help your cause? i guess all you need to fucking do today is just show that you've read a little bit on the pertinent topic, and your good as fucking gold! i can't speak for everybody, but i know back in my day, a little bit more was expected out of you than just, "yeah... i read the book." what was really fucking sad was that this fucking person was actually still employed somewhere and thought his response was perfectly reasonable!! even more hilarious was that in speaking to his recruiter later that week, i found out that he thought he nailed the tech interview... the buzzfucker this fucking guy's MO is to mention at least 2 or 3 acronyms or buzzwords into every-fucking-thing he fucking says. in addition, said buzzwords are thrown together regardless of the fact that it might not[...]



catching up (throwing up)...

2006-04-01T16:16:12-05:00

so... it's a been a little while since i've last posted and have now completely turned myself into a non-entity (for those of you who could possibly give a shit). well... i gotta say... with our industry being the complete... so... it's a been a little while since i've last posted and have now completely turned myself into a non-entity (for those of you who could possibly give a shit).  well... i gotta say... with our industry being the complete fucking disaster that it always is, it wouldn't have mattered how long i've been out... i know i could come back at any time and still find over half a million fucking things to induce an attack of diarrhea so fucking foul that it would steam it's way through all 1000 steel lined feet of the vault that microsoft keeps it's most current copy of the windows source code hidden in. unfortunately there are so many disasters and so little time in which to give each one their proper due... let's see if i can weigh in on a few from very recent to not so very recent: amazon schoolyard meathead beats up some hippies for their milk moneywhat can i say about this? oh man, this had me in fucking stitches. what drama! what tension! what heights! what lows! only in our industry can we resort to the spectacle of teen existential anger, abuse, and self-loathing in public dairies at the level involving ctos! of billion dollar companies no less!! oh man! you gotta love it! from what (lack of) intelligence i could gather, the encounter went something like this: meathead: so... why should i do this?hippies: um... everybody else is doing it??meathead: really? that's all you got?hippies: ah... yeah... more or less.meathead: i see... and so on. big fucking deal. so a bunch of adults who know better managed to turn their little corner of the web into a 4th grade showdown at the playground. gee... how fucking surprising. i'll tell you what, it might not be surprising, but it sure as hell is pathetic. now... i'm going to take a guess and assume that when robert scoble talked about how blogging can help you (or your company) he didn't quite have this kind of thing in mind... which is going to lead me into the following conclusion:these people are fucking crazy...absolutely fucking nuts. outta their fuckin' minds! just what are these people thinking? and i don't just mean the people involved in this particular incident, i mean the whole fucking lot of them. what is the point? what is trying to be accomplished here? i have no fucking idea... will somebody tell me...PLEASE??? i just don't get it. i hear so much fucking nincompoopery from the idiots that i see live and in the flesh everyday that the last thing i need is more of the same fucking idiocy coming from somebody's online presence via their blog. especially when it's in the context of so called corporate blogging. this leads me to my next earth-shattering, ultra-profound conclusion:people don't want conversation or discussion.they want to be right...coporate blogging is so fucking ridiculous that it deserves a post of its own. unfortunately since we're only human this kind of bullshit will always be the norm. however, i do appreciate tremendously when grown, so called intelligent men act like 5 year olds just so i can be amused and entertained... and for that - i thank you. web 2.0?  (this actually can use a post all on it's own)does anybody have the fucking cd i can install to get this? i don't know... i've been hearing so much about this shit lately, i thought...WOW... i gotta try this thing out!!! so i feverishly fired up my fucking browser and waited... nothing really happend though... i sat in front of my computer staring at fucking google's homepage waiting for something to happen... hmmmmm, i thought... this looks mysteriously like "web 1.0" to me... maybe i didn't do something right... after giving google the "eye" for about 20 minutes, i started to think... well i am running windows... so maybe it's broken i and i have to reboot to get this new thing working... so i care[...]



exciting and innovative!!!! uh... no... try boring and useless

2005-07-31T12:00:24-04:00

well...here we are. we are probably in what i would consider to be the most absofuckinglutely most god awful period ever in software development. jesus fucking christ. we are in the software equivalent of elvis in his vegas years...fat, bloated,... well...here we are. we are probably in what i would consider to be the most absofuckinglutely most god awful period ever in software development. jesus fucking christ. we are in the software equivalent of elvis in his vegas years...fat, bloated, barely functional, and shitting our pants. i don't know about you guys (or gals), but i am fucking sick of this shit. in addition, it's not just single pieces of software that i'm talking about. i'm talking about whole categories of applications that are so fucking completely useless and asinine, i wouldn't even know where the fuck to start. let's see if i can at least dredge up the fucking energy to browbeat some of my favorite fucking culprits... googlehmmmmmm..... am i missing something here people? maybe i just. don't. fucking. get. it. here i thought there could never ever be a company as arrogant as apple is. boy, was i fucking mistaken. everything from their "do no evil" motto to their google "blog"(which is nothing but some of the worst advertising ever) does nothing but reek of fucking arrogance. let's get a grip here folks...they have a pretty decent search engine, and... no, that's basically it as far as i'm concerned. there is nothing more diarrhea inducing then hearing yet another fucking bullshit google product announcement fawned over by a bunch of moronic imbeciles (eweek, wired, register, oreilly, etc...) and treated like a staggering revelation that will change the world as we know it. let's take a look at some of their more recent offerings... gmailwow... fucking web-based email!! yes!! yes!!... that's just what i fucking needed. another free web-based email account. as far as i know gmail has two claims to fame: the use of client side javascript the size of the mailbox as far as the first would be concerned, i was not aware of the fact that client side javascript was something new... ah, but i hear you spew out the "ajax, ajax, ajax" bullshit. well, as far as i know adopting a technology that was invented by one of your biggest competitors is hardly anything new or innovative. especially when they have apps that do it better... as to the size of the mailbox... that's a simple one. i just can't consider spending money to be something that should be thought of as new or innovative. as long as you can afford the storage and the infrastructure needed for it, you're pretty much good to go... again, i just don't see what the big fucking deal is. actually the only really new idea that gmail has is scanning your email and vomiting forth ads and marketing that would be relevant. so if you're wondering why your gmail account has nothing but click-through ads for blow-up dolls, pocket pussies, and anime porn, it's not because gmail is reading your mind... it's just that by reading your email it's determined that you are a lonely tech-dork that has some spare time... google maps/moon/whatever...let me just say first... google maps is a fine piece of technology. as a matter of fact i get the feeling that most of the tech-morons out there refer to this application as cool. the combination of javascript, satellite imagery, overlays, etc is something that is fairly new and innovative. (even if all they did was take 1/2 terraserver, 1/2 mapquest,  mix, shake and pour) unfortunately when it is all said and done, and all the glitz and bullshit are removed, all it really does for me is provide me with driving directions. i have gotten driving directions over the web for some years now, and i can't say having yet another site with driving directions is too terribly exciting. this is basically the same piece of shit ford pinto web application, but with a new coat of paint. you can only get a hard-on from seeing your house via satellite [...]



more productive, or more...moronic??

2005-04-09T17:09:22-04:00

being productive is usually considered a good thing. however, over the last decade or so there have been tools and technologies unleashed upon the world that while they have certainly made us more productive, they have turned the average developer... being productive is usually considered a good thing. however, over the last decade or so there have been tools and technologies unleashed upon the world that while they have certainly made us more productive, they have turned the average developer into a drooling, babbling idiot. more than ever, the gap between tool users who call themselves developers and people who can actually build, implement, design, and engineer solid, robust software systems is widening. how the fuck did we get to this point?? lets investigate... the RAD fallout... just like we have our favorite buzzwords of today, lets not forget every decade had it's own set of buzzwords. in the 90s, one of the most popular ones was RAD...rapid application development. it was motivated by a single concept...make the developer as productive as possible and stop at nothing no matter how assinine it is to make this possible. while not a new concept (it was really what smalltalk was supposed to do, but that's another story, and after that case tools, but that is another story as well), it was during the 90s that software developers were inundated with all the typical marketing bullshit telling us that RAD will take our productivity to new heights and will change the face of software development forever... well, um...hmmm....i totally agree...RAD really did change the face of software development forever...it opened up the doors to millions of fucking morons who under normal circumstances would have never, never, never, NEVER, NEVER EVER be qualified or even allowed to code "Hello World!", let alone contemplate a fucking career in software development.  there are two RAD tools especially that i see as blowing the doors wide open to let everybody and their mother try their luck as a software developer...microsoft visual basic and microsoft access (surprised, right...thank you microsoft!)  ok, ok, before all the access and vb fanboys start having a fucking heart-attack, let me make a couple of things clear... i am NOT saying that all access and vb developers are completely incompetent fools who are so fucking clueless they should just kill themselves while simultaneously realizing that, yes they really are a fucking waste of humanity... for that my friends, you'll have to wait for another post ;) access and vb are by no means the only tools or technology that are responsible for this. trust me...i will detail more below. (some of which are non-microsoft related.) what i am saying is that with these two tools, the barrier of entry for developing software was lowered considerably. by no means was microsoft the only vendor to get in on the RAD action. during the nineties, almost every software manufacturer attempted to get in on it. remember sybase's powerbuilder?? and who knows how many failed attempts ibm had at developing some kind of RAD tool?? and of course there is borland's beloved delphi, which out of the bunch was probably the most well thought out and implemented RAD tool, hailed by all the critics, was the feel good movie of the year, and designed by mr. c# himself...unfortunately it had a total user base of two. (and no, i am not one of them.)  ok...lets move on now, shall we... the web fallout all right! raise your hand if you know somebody that got their career in building "enterprise, multi-threaded, distributed systems" with...html???? man!... h. t. m. l. ...fucking html... between html and the .com boom, there was a time where everybody on the fucking planet was somehow associated with the tech industry. who could've have predicted that software development was going to be so fucking confused with document design?!?!?!  learn html in 3 seconds was spotted being eargerly car[...]



perspective (or lack of)

2004-12-29T21:42:22-05:00

it seems a complete lack of fucking perspective is de rigeur and quite trendy among developers today. actually, this extends beyond developers to almost all involved in the tech industry. like laziness, it is a trait that is found in... it seems a complete lack of fucking perspective is de rigeur and quite trendy among developers today. actually, this extends beyond developers to almost all involved in the tech industry. like laziness, it is a trait that is found in tremendous quantities. how the fuck have we got here? where the fuck does it come from? i don't know for sure, but i'll go out on a limb and venture a few guesses: just regular fucking cluelessness ignorance an over-inflated sense of self-importance (in addition to individuals this also applies to movements or sub-cultures) a sense of arrogance that is usually only reserved for ultra-conservative, right wing, god-fearing, fundamentalist politicians not listening (oh man...on this point, programmers beat anyone...hands down) these are just a few to get us warmed up. ok, to start with, we have just about everybody's favorite whipping boys...the open source advocates! oh man...are these guys just insanely gluttonous for punishment? are they trying to make themselves such easy targets? do they enjoy spreading wide and getting the business end of an industrial strength dry/wet vac rammed up their ass? these guys are such boobs, i can't even take myself seriously anymore when writing about them. a couple of weeks ago (prior to the holidays) i was very non-chalantly surfing the web, minding my own business, when it hit me...WHAM!!! right there in black and white was this (paraphrased)...and here's another great holiday gift idea...burn your favorite linux distro onto a home made "best of" open-source CD and pass it out to your friends and loved ones...i had to read this a couple of times...i thought, "you gotta be kidding me... is this some kind of fucking sick joke?" after about 30 minutes or so of non-stop laughter and wanting to send a congratulatory email to the sick fuck who thought up something this funny, i started to realize that this was not a joke. i started seeing this little "gift idea" on other web sites as well. "holy shit...they're really serious about this.", i was thinking. actually i was thinking that this might be the open source movement's last ditch attempt to steal the desktop from windows...you know...they've tried every kind of conventional marketing technique, hell, they even give this stuff away! i really want to meet the wankmaster that was thinking way, way outside the box on that day. i can hear him now..."i've got it!!! it's soooo obvious!! we can increase our desktop share by going on a holiday stocking stuffer campaign!!! oh my fucking god! can you imagine the fucking disastrous/hilarious consequences of this little holiday stocking stuffer?? hilarity aside (and the fact that the OSS movement is now using AOL as a role-model...remember their CD blitzes?), i couldn't think of a better gift that shows both a lack of perspective and unusually strong arrogance on behalf of the giver. this kind of thing is right up there with religious evangelists, pro-lifers, and fucking vegans (uhhh...the worst). this kind of thing is really starting to annoy me. don't these fucking people get it?? since they apparently do not, let me explain it to them in a fairly straight-ahead easy to understand manner...nobody gives a shit...i know that sounds unusually cruel, but get over it you preachy, holier-than-thou, arrogant buffoon. that's just the reality of it. the bottom line is that nobody outside of the tech industry really fucking cares about things like linux, open source, the evil microsoft hegemony, etc, etc...i know how tough it is realizing that the 99% of the planet couldn't give a shit about the things you hold nearest and dearest, but that's how it is. no big deal...you can[...]



laziness

2004-10-12T22:55:25-04:00

you know what is the fucking bane of my existence (besides PMs)??? lazy fucking developers. if i can pick any single word to describe the culture of software development, it's lazy. this is a problem. to be honest, this disease...



the plunge

2004-09-02T10:26:43-04:00

i am sorry that i have not been able to post anything lately. it has come to my attention that i am getting married, and then going on a honeymoon. i can't tell you what a shock this is...i mean,...



5 jazz albums...

2004-07-18T14:34:12-04:00

for your listening pleasure, i present to you 5 jazz records: Extended Play / Live at Birdland Dave Holland dave holland's group is probably one of the best modern jazz groups playing today. this live double cd is fucking amazing....

for your listening pleasure, i present to you 5 jazz records:

Extended Play / Live at Birdland
Dave Holland
dave holland's group is probably one of the best modern jazz groups playing today. this live double cd is fucking amazing. everything about this record is superlative. the playing, compositions, soloing, and interplay are some of the finest to be heard. just buy it, and take heart in the fact that your getting one of the greatest live records to be released in the last ten years or so.

Gone, Just Like a Train
Bill Frisell
this was one of frisell's earlier post trio releases. it is also one of his greatest records (in a discography that is full of a shitload of great records.) some people find it really difficult to categorize frisell's music, but with someone like frisell, musical genres become completely meaningless. it's just awesome shit, and this disc has some of the best on it.

Still Live
Keith Jarrett
the piano trio format (piano, bass, drums) is one of jazz music's oldest and most venerable formats. here is one of the greatest piano trios ever, captured live on one of their best nights. if you think you know anything about jazz, and don't know who these guys are, you need to be shot, or have your ears ripped off for being so insolent (or maybe just a really good brow-beating will do). if you think your a pianist, bass player or drummer, listen to this and realize you should just give up.

Hyperion With Higgins
Charles Lloyd
in the late 60's charles become on of the tenor saxophone players. after some personal debacles, he went into forced retirement and obscurity. at somepoint decades later, he came out of retirement and started recording some really amazing, beautiful (almost chamber-like) music for the famous ECM label. this is one of his greatests discs from that period. it is also one of the few discs ever to capture the same intense emotional and spiritual mood that made coltrane what he was.


Anthem
Ralph Towner
unlike the albums above, this one is just solo guitar music. many guitarists have no fucking clue who ralph towner is, and all that shows is that they are completely ignorant to one of the most influential guitarists of the last 3 decades (and good music in general). neither flashy, immature, or tone-deaf, ralph plays some of the must sonically crystalline, pure, and beautiful music ever to come out of a guitar. most solo guitar music is either just intellectually insulting, just plain masterbatory wanking, or completely devoid of any emotional and spiritual depth. fortunately for us, their are players like ralph towner.




The Language Snob

2004-07-15T16:56:16-04:00

part 3 in an ongoing series of developer stereotypes... for some reason that is so fucking completely beyond me, programmers all over the world are ridiculously proud of and have an almost erotic obsession with what they would call "their... part 3 in an ongoing series of developer stereotypes... for some reason that is so fucking completely beyond me, programmers all over the world are ridiculously proud of and have an almost erotic obsession with what they would call "their programming language of choice." As a matter of fact, there are some developers out there that are so fucking gung-ho about their language that they become one of the most dreaded programmer stereotypes of all time...the feared and ignorant Language Snob. trust me... these close-minded cocksuckers are probably numero uno when it comes to making trouble (aside from the Open Source Zealot, of course)... actually, i'll be honest. i have no fucking clue where these people come from. something tells me though that as soon as the 1st programming language was born, the first moronic diabolical Language Snob was born very shortly thereafter. What on earth could make somebody so obsessed with a programming language that they are literally willing to mutilate and kill for it? i can only imagine the bizarre childhood that these absolute weirdos must have gone through where a pavlovian response of an intense, raging hard-on is induced just by the mere mention of the letter C (or the letters V and B for that matter). it's like they're the meatheads of software development and are always on a fucking constant roid-rage. personally, i can think of many other things that would give myself a raging hard-on (like boobs for instance), but that's just me. As far as developer stereotypes go, these insolent bastards are probably the most visible of them all. (at least in my experience...your milage may vary.) This is usually due to the rampant steaming diarrhea that is vomited forth from that stenchful abyss they call their mouths...constantly. i mean these guys are fucking implacable! they are absolutely relentless in excreting the bullshit that is the "virtue of my programming language." there is no place, time or person that is safe from all this nonsense... let take a look at some of the more interesting Language Snob scenarios: the book store ambush how many times has this happend to you (or maybe it just happens to me because i'm such a goddamn asshole magnet)...you're in the book store checking out the books on programming languages, and as soon as you pick up a promising title on language x... WHAM!!! some imbecile starts approaching you (who you could've sworn was not even there a second ago) and without any further introduction, says something along the lines of, "why would you want to check out that shit for?? you should do yourself a favor and check out this language instead!!" what the hell is that?? how the fuck do i even begin to answer a question like this? obviously since i'm a developer my communication skills are sorely limited to begin with, in addition there is the fact that i have problems talking to complete fucking nincompoops, AND i just love having my time being completely fucking wasted on morons such as yourself. right, the last thing i want to do during the day is have a fucking competely inane, pointless argument with a 18-25 year old, trenchcoat wearing, acne-ridden, mildly overweight, greasy haired virgin like yourself. however, let me think of some possible responses: a good swift kick in the assdirect and simple. sometimes that's the only way to combat such pure fucking idiocy. it also has the element of surprise. the last thing that anybody would be expecting from a software geek (especially in a book store) is an ultra violent, deadly, ninja like beating that would be considered borderline psychotic. despite al[...]



learn blithering idiocy in 21 days

2004-07-01T16:57:00-04:00

it seems the technical publishing industry has finally given up. it's at the point now where they'll publish anyfuckingthing by anyfuckingbody. although there are many high-quality titles available (you can find a few here), compared to the colossal shit-load of... it seems the technical publishing industry has finally given up. it's at the point now where they'll publish anyfuckingthing by anyfuckingbody. although there are many high-quality titles available (you can find a few here), compared to the colossal shit-load of garbage that's out there it's like they're fucking anomalies. there are just so many problems...of which the majority seem to converge on the fact that most publishers are more interested in making a tidy profit at your (and sometimes the authors) expense, rather than offering quality technical material. they're not even subtle about it anymore. even my favorite publisher addison-wesley has managed to publish some of the most god-awful pieces of shit ever written. let's take a further look... the complete fucking moron's guide to breaking my builds ok, this shit has just got to stop. if you're in the book store and any book title that follows the following pattern: learn (or teach yourself) [insert moronic tech-skill flavor of month] in [insert a ridiculously quick time period] or the complete [insert derogatory adjective] idiot's guide to [again, insert flashy tech-skill of the month]or [and once more, insert flashy-tech skill of the month] for dummies starts to arouse your curiosity, please...PLEASE...PLEASE...FOR THE LOVE OF GOD...GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE NOW!! just by putting your hand on the spine of one of these fuckers you're guaranteed to loose about 120 IQ points, drool uncontrollably, shit your pants, and start babbling like a lunatic at an insane asylum. these kinds of titles are not helping anybody. i hear you say, "well, they might be good for the hobbiest, enthusiast, or other non-professional." Well...you would be right, however, i'm not quite talking about that (or any of the people microsoft felt compelled to offer a toddler line to.) what i'm talking about is the dipshit who was doing just fine as whatever for 19 years, and then decides, "i'm sick of this shit...i'm gonna be programmer!" after a quick trip to the bookstore our hero arms himself with several of the aforementioned titles and WHAM...21 days go by and now armed with his newfangled knowledge this fool is ready to lead your next mission-critical project... or at least start applying for jobs that have the words enterprise or architect in their titles. this is a problem. i've never heard shit like this going on in other professions. when was the last time you were meandering through the bookstore and you spied learn vascular surgery in 24 hours? the whole concept is just so fucking misleading, plain and simple. it's like they're pandering to all those people who are so fucking insecure that they don't give themselves enough credit to actually learn something from a book whose reading level isn't so goddamned dumbed down that a fucking 8 month old chimpanzee could read it. i'm also convinced that to get one of these abominations published, you have to include tips, fast-facts, do's and dont's and enough sidebar material to the point where it's so fucking disruptive you can't even finish the page. and of course, you need to end every chapter with classic lines like this: "attaboy!! you see, you can do it!! programming real-time, concurrent, multi-threaded, asynchronous medical life-support systems really is easy!!" i just wished they made these books with considerably softer paper. that way i can use them to wipe my ass with and then when i've used up the whole book, i can wrap it up and fedex it over to which ever publisher was responsible... WROX bashing from novice to p[...]