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Tearful Trump Puts Down Ladle, Walks Out Of Soup Kitchen After Learning Charitable Foundation Shutting Down

Tue, 21 Nov 2017 20:22:19 GMT

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WASHINGTON—Feeling devastated by the thought that he could no longer provide assistance to millions of disadvantaged Americans, a tearful President Trump reportedly put down his ladle Tuesday and walked out of a soup kitchen after learning that the Donald J. Trump Foundation was shutting down. “There was so much I…

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Charlie Rose Presses Self About Sexual Harassment Allegations In Tense Charlie Rose Interview 

Tue, 21 Nov 2017 20:04:05 GMT

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NEW YORK—Refusing to back down from the subject during their often contentious exchange, talk show host Charlie Rose reportedly pressed himself about the recent sexual harassment allegations against him in a tense Charlie Rose interview on Tuesday. “Eight women who either worked with you or aspired to work with you…

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Trump To Spend Thanksgiving At Mar-a-Lago

Tue, 21 Nov 2017 18:52:22 GMT

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Palm Beach residents are bracing for President Trump’s arrival Thanksgiving week, a move that will cause road closures and an estimated $350,000 loss in local business. What do you think?

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Assistant Coach Finally Works Up Courage To Blow Whistle

Tue, 21 Nov 2017 18:39:46 GMT

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OKLAHOMA CITY—Saying they were caught completely off guard by his sudden act of assertiveness, onlookers at a Duncan High School varsity football practice reported Wednesday that second-year assistant coach Bill Vining had finally worked up the courage to blow his whistle. “Everyone just froze and we thought we were…

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 21, 2017

Tue, 21 Nov 2017 14:35:00 GMT

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Report: That Whole Side Of Family Just Like That

Tue, 21 Nov 2017 13:01:33 GMT

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POCATELLO, ID—According to reports Tuesday from sources who said you’d get used to it eventually, that whole side of the family is just like that. “Oh, yeah, they’re all like that. Always have been,” said area father Bruce Mayer, noting that every one of them, from the oldest on down, was just a little off. “I mean,…

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Nearly Half Of Americans Have High Blood Pressure

Tue, 21 Nov 2017 13:35:00 GMT

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According to new guidelines defining a healthy measurement as below 120/80, 46 percent of Americans have high blood pressure, putting them at increased risk of heart attacks and strokes. What do you think?

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Study Finds Humans Crave Sweet Foods Because They’re Weak—They’re Weak And They’re Small

Tue, 21 Nov 2017 13:05:00 GMT

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STANFORD, CA—Saying their findings confirmed a long-suspected absence of goddamn willpower in our species, researchers at Stanford University said Tuesday that the reason humans crave sweet foods is simply because they’re weak—they’re weak, and they’re small. “Our study suggests that the average person’s desire for…

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Successful U.S. Airstrike Kills 30 Iraqis Who May As Well Have Been Terrorists

Tue, 21 Nov 2017 12:47:52 GMT

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WASHINGTON—Saying that the mission had met all its objectives, the U.S. military announced Tuesday that it had launched a successful airstrike that had killed 30 Iraqis who may as well have been terrorists. “I am pleased to confirm that at 1400 hours yesterday afternoon, U.S. forces carried out an air raid on a site…

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Doctors Edit Living Patient's DNA For First Time

Mon, 20 Nov 2017 21:16:08 GMT

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In a medical first, doctors have attempted to edit genes inside a living person, injecting a patient with special cells designed to repair a DNA mutation which causes the degenerative disease Hunter syndrome. What do you think?

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Nutella Briefly Entertained As Lubricant

Mon, 20 Nov 2017 19:16:28 GMT

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Frustrated Jesus Christ Forced To Find 22nd Vessel For Reincarnation After Death Of Charles Manson

Mon, 20 Nov 2017 19:44:23 GMT

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THE HEAVENS—Returning home to the heavenly realm once again in a foul mood, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, reportedly expressed frustration Monday with being forced to find a 22nd vessel for reincarnation after the death of Charles Manson. “Well, that was just a total waste of my time,” said…

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Manson’s Loved Ones Ask For Complete, Utter Chaos In Their Time Of Grief 

Mon, 20 Nov 2017 18:53:35 GMT

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BAKERSFIELD, CA—In the immediate aftermath of the 83-year-old cult leader’s passing, Charles Manson’s loved ones on Monday asked for complete and utter chaos while they grieve. “As we mourn, we kindly ask that you respect our wishes by letting all hell loose and breaking every shackle of the old order,” read a…

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Report: Only 3% Of Conversations Actually Need To Happen

Mon, 20 Nov 2017 17:49:07 GMT

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WASHINGTON—Calling into question the usefulness of one of the most common human interactions, a new report released Monday by the Pew Research Center found that only 3 percent of conversations actually need to happen. “Frankly, almost all of the conversations you have with your spouse, coworkers, friends, doctor, or…

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Substitute Teacher Can Tell He’s Filling In For Real Asshole

Mon, 20 Nov 2017 17:14:11 GMT

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GREENSBURG, KS—Picking up immediately on the students’ lack of confidence and low morale, fourth grade substitute teacher Jeff Moransky told reporters Monday that he could tell he was filling in for a real asshole. “As soon as I walked into the room, they all scrambled to their seats and sat in silence with their eyes…

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Justice Kennedy Out For Rest Of Session With Tear In Adjudicatory Tendon

Mon, 20 Nov 2017 17:09:21 GMT

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WASHINGTON—Saying the court expected to finish the year strong even without their most productive swing voter, sources reported Monday that Associate Justice Anthony Kennedy will be out for the rest of the Supreme Court session after tearing his adjudicatory tendon. “Unfortunately, these kinds of injuries take a lot…

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George R.R. Martin Announces Next Book To Feature Pixies, Dracula

Mon, 20 Nov 2017 14:58:30 GMT

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SANTA FE, NM—Explaining that the new novel would be a radical departure from his previous work, best-selling author George R.R. Martin reportedly told readers “Fuck you” while announcing Monday that the next book in his A Song of Ice and Fire series will feature pixies and Dracula. “Guess what, shitheads, this next…

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Mattel Debuts Barbie With Hijab

Mon, 20 Nov 2017 14:00:00 GMT

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Mattel has debuted a Barbie based on Muslim-American fencer Ibithaj Muhammad, which features a hijab as well as a more muscular build than the standard doll. What do you think?

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Report: Publicly Humiliating Unpopular Student Still Leading Cause Of Telekinetic Violence In U.S. High Schools

Mon, 20 Nov 2017 13:00:00 GMT

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WASHINGTON—In a study confirming much of the existing research on the destructive and often deadly incidents, the Department of Education reported Thursday that public humiliation of unpopular students remains the leading cause of telekinetic violence in U.S. high schools. “Our data indicate that a friendless student…

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Giants Excited About Seeing Real NFL End Zone Up Close

Sun, 19 Nov 2017 15:46:42 GMT

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DENVER—Excitedly running their hands along the white goal line and huddling around the pylons, members of the New York Giants were thrilled to see a real NFL end zone up close before their game against the Denver Broncos, sources confirmed Sunday. “Oh my God, hey, Eli [Manning], come over here and check this out!”…

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