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The Onion



The Onion



Last Build Date: Fri, 30 Sep 2016 16:02:54 -0500

 



Library Of Congress Completes Destruction Of 70 Million Works Deemed Culturally Insignificant

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 14:20:00 -0500

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WASHINGTON—Explaining that it had selected the pieces because of their lack of any intellectual, historic, or aesthetic value, the Library of Congress reportedly completed destruction Friday of 70 million works deemed culturally insignificant. “Following an exhaustive six-year audit of our collection, we determined that nearly half the books, recordings, films, photographs, and manuscripts in our archives were of such little consequence to the cultural canon that they were worthy of complete eradication from the American consciousness,” said Librarian of Congress Carla Hayden, explaining that institution officials had, as of this morning, finished incinerating the final batch of meaningless creations, including 15 tons of outdated medical texts, hundreds of 19th-century telegraph line maps, and the 2010 motion picture The Last Airbender, in order to ensure they were not preserved for future generations. “In some cases, such as our vast troves of military march sheet music and photographic negatives of rural ...




Tips For Safely Carrying Large Sums Of Cash

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 14:14:00 -0500

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  • Large packages can draw attention, so try sewing the money into the lining of your suit or baking it into a five-tier wedding cake.
  • Minimize risk by transporting no more than $100 on 10,500 separate runs.
  • Have a believable cover story. If anyone asks, you’re just a Brazilian investor surveying locations for a soccer arena.
  • If you simply can’t resist bragging a little to fellow bar patrons about your bounty, double-check that none of them are currently holding a blunt object.
  • Opt for the cargo pocket they’d least suspect.


Smuggle yourself to theaters to see Masterminds, out September 30. Buy tickets at tickets.mastermindsmovie.com.





Challenges Of Being A Third Party Candidate

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 14:00:00 -0500

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  • Election night watch party fails to meet food and beverage minimum
  • Figuring out how the major party candidates did that cool thing on their websites where each political issue automatically expands when you hover the mouse over them
  • Hackers more interested in your credit card information than the contents of your personal emails
  • Most voters only willing to let viable candidates kiss their babies
  • Absolute best case scenario is that you have to be president of the United States

This message is approved by Webster Bilder and endorsed by Wix.com. Learn more about Webster Bilder’s agenda on websterbilder.com




Report: Trump Conducted Illegal Business In Cuba

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 13:18:00 -0500

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Newsweek has revealed that Donald Trump conducted business in Communist Cuba throughout the late 1990s, illegally violating the trade embargo even while publicly declaring that U.S. businesses must avoid deals with Cuba in order to help bring down Castro. What do you think?




Jim Harbaugh Disappointed To Learn Electroshock Therapy Session Already Over

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 12:45:00 -0500

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ANN ARBOR, MI—Saying that he had hardly noticed the time go by while receiving the series of electrically induced seizures, University of Michigan head coach Jim Harbaugh was reportedly disappointed Friday upon learning that his electroshock therapy session was over so soon. “Oh, is our time up already?” Harbaugh was overheard saying as doctors carefully removed electrodes from his forehead that were used to deliver dozens of 450-volt shocks over the course of his 45-minute session. “These sessions are my favorite part of the week, but they always seem to go by so quickly. Well, I’m looking forward to picking this up where we left off when I come back next time.” Harbaugh added that he considered the moment during the session when he began uncontrollably vomiting to be a “real breakthrough” in his treatment.




Strongside/Weakside: Trevor Siemian

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 10:48:00 -0500

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Second-year quarterback Trevor Siemian has quickly established himself as the Denver Broncos’ starter with three straight wins. Is he any good?




Clinton Delivers Stump Speech In Moscow Warehouse In Effort To Appeal To Russian Hackers

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 09:27:00 -0500

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MOSCOW—Emphasizing that she understood their concerns and was committed to addressing them as president, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton delivered an impassioned stump speech in an unmarked warehouse on the outskirts of Moscow Friday in an effort to appeal to Russian hackers. “Each one of you here today and all those like you around this great country are going to play a pivotal role in determining the next president of the United States, and I promise to do what it takes to earn your support,” said Clinton, delivering a 30-minute address in Russian before briefly walking through the dingy, dimly lit warehouse in the city’s Otradnoye District to shake hands and take pictures with the crowd of around 130 young hackers hunched over rows of computers. “I know that many of you are dissatisfied with the state of American politics, as am I. So I urge you to channel ...




James Dyson Meets In Secret With Alien Ambassador To Receive Technology For New Hand Dryer

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 09:22:00 -0500

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TUCUMCARI, NM—Greeting the extraterrestrial diplomat at their usual rendezvous point atop an isolated mesa in the High Plains of eastern New Mexico, Dyson Ltd CEO James Dyson reportedly met in secret with an alien ambassador from the Zartrepylon star system to receive the latest technology for a new hand dryer Thursday night. “I bring you our newest design, the Cyclinox, the most powerful hand dryer in the Virgo Supercluster,” said Ambassador Ahololoax, Intergalactic Minister of the Phylexor Dominion, handing the businessman the new wall-mounted device while explaining how it used an advanced system of fans beyond human comprehension to blow a concentrated sheet of air 1.8 times faster and with 70 percent more energy efficiency than any primitive earthling hand dryer technology. “Our kingdom has the driest hands in all the galaxy. It would take 500 of your Earth years for your species to even begin developing the ...




Ban On Voting Booth Selfies Ruled Unconstitutional

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 00:00:00 -0500

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The First Circuit Court of Appeals has ruled that New Hampshire’s 2014 law banning voting booth selfies is unconstitutional because the First Amendment protects citizens’ right to openly discuss their ballot. What do you think?




Teammate Actually Trying To Do Homework During 30-Minute Period Between School, Practice

Thu, 29 Sep 2016 13:30:00 -0500

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CHADDS FORD, PA—Watching in disbelief as she pulled out a textbook in the midst of the busy locker room, members of the Unionville High School field hockey team told reporters Thursday that sophomore forward Kelly Wilcox was actually trying to do some homework during the 30-minute period between school and the start of practice. “She’s sitting there with some bio worksheet on her lap that she’s rushing to finish, but what the hell does she think she’s going to accomplish in the next half hour?” said junior defender Katie Fitzgerald, adding that Wilcox, who changed into her practice clothes faster than anyone else on the team, was somehow tuning out the din of other girls talking and slamming lockers shut as she flipped through her textbook in search of answers to her homework questions. “You need a little time to grab your field hockey stuff and ...




California Ends Statute Of Limitations On Sex Crimes

Thu, 29 Sep 2016 12:22:00 -0500

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In the wake of the many allegations against Bill Cosby, California has passed legislation that ends statute of limitations on rape and other sex crimes, previously set at 10 years. What do you think?




Tim Kaine Forced To Drink Ipecac After Eating Sheet Of ‘I’m With Her’ Stickers

Thu, 29 Sep 2016 11:01:00 -0500

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APPLETON, WI—Acting quickly to induce vomiting, members of Hillary Clinton’s campaign staff confirmed Thursday that they forced Tim Kaine to drink syrup of ipecac after the Democratic vice presidential nominee ate an entire sheet of “I’m With Her” stickers. “We didn’t even notice Tim had gotten into the stickers until he had already swallowed at least 30 or 40 of them, so we called the poison control center and they recommended that we give him ipecac immediately,” said Clinton campaign aide Sarah Wattsford, adding that the Virginia senator had to be physically restrained after refusing to open his mouth for the medicine and then, on two successive dosing attempts, spitting the “yucky stuff” onto the floor. “It’s really our fault for not keeping a better eye on Tim. The stickers are bright blue and round and kind of look like candy. You turn around for ...




How Fashion Trends Arise

Thu, 29 Sep 2016 09:51:00 -0500

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With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step:




‘Playboy’ To Feature Muslim Woman In Hijab

Thu, 29 Sep 2016 09:05:00 -0500

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An upcoming issue of Playboy will feature Noor Tagouri, a 22-year-old Muslim journalist who will sport a leather jacket, black jeans, hijab, and Converse shoes in the photo as part of a “Renegade” series profiling revolutionary women. What do you think?




Measles Eliminated In North, South America

Wed, 28 Sep 2016 15:57:00 -0500

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At a meeting in Washington this week, the World Health Organization announced that the measles vaccine has eradicated the disease in all of the Americas, from Canada to Chile, the first time that it has been eliminated from an entire region instead of one country at a time. What do you think?




SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

Wed, 28 Sep 2016 14:26:00 -0500

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SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:




Cat Internally Debates Whether Or Not To Rip Head Off Smaller Creature It Just Met

Wed, 28 Sep 2016 13:53:00 -0500

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ROCKVILLE, MD—Staring attentively at the potential prey while carefully weighing its best course of action, local cat Jasper was reportedly locked in an intense internal debate Wednesday about whether or not to rip the head off a smaller creature it had just happened upon. “Hmm, should I just walk on by or should I sink my teeth into its neck and pop that little head right off?” the 6-year-old American shorthair reportedly thought to itself, prowling within striking distance as it mulled over viciously decapitating the seemingly unaware chipmunk that stood foraging in the grass just a few feet away from it or simply continuing on with its day. “I could pounce on that thing and snap its head off in one bite, easy. Or I could just slink over there and curl up on that chair on the deck. Tough call.” At press time, the cat had opted ...




Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

Wed, 28 Sep 2016 13:20:00 -0500

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CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate. “President Clinton put in a strong showing on Monday, sitting erect in his chair with his eyes open all night, but in order for him to repeat that kind of performance, it’s crucial that he spend the next 11 days building up his strength,” said communications director Jennifer Palmieri, adding that 90 minutes was quite a long time to remain in a sitting position fully awake without any break, but noted that the campaign staff was extremely confident the nation’s 42nd president would be able to come through again. “It’s not going to be easy, but we believe that if the president ...




Pope Francis Wears Miter With Faceshield To Comply With New Vatican Safety Measures

Wed, 28 Sep 2016 11:52:00 -0500

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VATICAN CITY—Receiving protection against chemical, environmental, and immoral hazards in the workplace, Pope Francis reportedly began wearing a miter fitted with a hard polycarbonate faceshield this week to comply with the Vatican’s new health and safety standards. “When presiding over mass in one of our holy facilities, the pope is required at all times to wear a miter fitted with a heavy-duty, splash-resistant visor, which safeguards the eyes and face against everything from contaminated holy water to flying sparks from a swinging thurible,” said Cardinal Angelo Sandri, who noted that the shield was designed with a hinge along the brow, offering full facial protection while still allowing His Holiness to swivel the visor away from his face when he needs to drink from the Communion chalice or kiss the feet of the poor. “It might be a little uncomfortable to wear during long papal audiences, but all it ...




Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

Wed, 28 Sep 2016 10:08:00 -0500

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MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns. “I’ve been behind this woman for a few streets now, and you can tell she gets some real satisfaction each time she sticks her arm out and lets everyone know which way she’s going,” said local commuter Pete Ulrich, adding that based on the similar enthusiasm with which the cyclist bent her left arm downward at a perfect 90-degree angle next to her, it was obvious she derived an equal amount of pleasure from indicating she was stopping as well. “Just look at the full arm extension she’s putting out there—she absolutely loves every second of it. I’m beginning to think the only reason she’s making any turns at all is ...