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The Onion

The Onion

Last Build Date: Tue, 23 May 2017 02:20:06 -0500


Basquiat Painting Sold For Record $110 Million

Mon, 22 May 2017 16:30:00 -0500


A painting of a skull by artist Jean-Michel Basquiat sold at Sotheby’s for $110.5 million, the most ever paid at auction for work by an American artist. What do you think?

Nike Releases New Sports Bra For Wearing Directly Under Coat While Shambling Around Grocery Store

Mon, 22 May 2017 13:32:00 -0500


BEAVERTON, OR—Touting the undergarment as an essential item for women on the go, Nike released a new sports bra Monday designed for wearing directly under a coat while shambling around the grocery store, sources reported. “The lightweight Nike Relax Pro fits comfortably beneath any baggy hoodie or windbreaker and offers unparalleled support as you quickly run into Stop & Shop to buy Tostitos,” said Nike spokesperson Melanie Turnett, adding that the sports bra utilizes sweat-wicking material specially equipped to handle hangover-induced perspiration. “As you hurry from one aisle to the next in search of string cheese and Advil, the Relax Pro’s compression knit fabric helps reduce bounce and discomfort. Plus, the bra’s racerback straps allow for a full range of movement in the checkout line as you dig frantically through your bag to find your misplaced debit card.” Turnett added that the bra is part of Nike ...

Guinness Releases Abridged Book Of Freaks For Readers Who Just Want The Good Stuff

Mon, 22 May 2017 12:19:00 -0500


VANCOUVER—Announcing its publication in response to overwhelming demand, the editors of the Guinness World Records on Wednesday released an abridged book of freaks for readers who just want the good stuff. “For this new, shortened version of our classic record book, we cut out all the bullshit athletic and attendance records and went straight for the weirdos with super-long fingernails and hair covering their entire body,” said series editor Craig Glenday of Guinness World Records: Nothing But Freaks Edition, adding that the book also eliminated the vast majority of its text in order to give readers the full-page photos of giants, bizarre skin diseases, and sisters joined at the stomach. “Forget that tallest mountain bullshit—we put that mutant with the largest-ever tumor right there on page one. Why wait for the human skeleton, the guy with way too many fingers, and that nutjob with literally a thousand facial ...

What Is Trump Hiding?

Mon, 22 May 2017 11:42:00 -0500


The documents referred to in this editorial are part of a trove of classified files provided to The Onion by an anonymous whistle-blower in the White House. All of these documents can be found here.

Who is Donald Trump truly? What are the private thoughts he contemplates? And how will his presidency reshape America? As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

The evidence of improper—if not outright criminal—behavior is ample, from a damning series of encrypted emails sent directly to ...

Dennis Quaid Playing George W. Bush In Katrina Drama

Mon, 22 May 2017 09:29:00 -0500


“Day After Tomorrow” star Dennis Quaid will play George W. Bush in the second season of American Crime Story, which will focus on the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. What do you think?

Trump Takes First Diplomatic Trip

Fri, 19 May 2017 14:24:00 -0500


President Donald Trump leaves today for an eight-day diplomatic trip to the Middle East and Europe, his first since entering office. What do you think?

Report: Morbid Curiosity Now Accounts For 79% Of Nation’s Snack Food Purchases

Fri, 19 May 2017 13:42:00 -0500


ST. PAUL, MN—Identifying a clear preference for novelty above all other qualities, a report from the University of Minnesota released Friday found that morbid curiosity now accounts for 79 percent of the nation’s snack food purchases. “Whether they’re trying to figure out if a jelly bean really tastes like popcorn or what the deal is with those puffy shrimp chips that apparently are really popular in Asia, we’ve concluded that consumers buy snacks three-quarters of the time purely from an intense desire to determine whether a product corresponds with its purported flavor,” said the report’s author, Carol Souza, adding that almost 20 percent of those purchases alone were prompted by a keen interest in how biscuits-and-gravy was reduced to a potato chip coating. “Many people didn’t even seem to care whether or not the wasabi chocolate or seven-layer-dip Combos were good, only that they ...

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

Fri, 19 May 2017 13:05:00 -0500


PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created. Those close to the couple said the two first met during Deep Blue’s match against Kasparov in 1996, and though the Russian grandmaster beat the computer four games to two, Vovk and Deep Blue struck up a friendship and continued corresponding via email. Sources said the intimate but platonic relationship blossomed into an indelible romance after Kasparov and Vovk’s marriage fell apart in 2005—with Vovk often complaining to friends that the increasingly distant Kasparov was “more of a chess robot than Deep Blue.” Soon thereafter, the couple reportedly shared their first romantic dinner at the same ...

DNC Chair Tracks Down Biden In Everglades Tossing Whole Chickens To Gators

Fri, 19 May 2017 11:30:00 -0500


HOMESTEAD, FL—Acting on a tip from a local fisherman who caught the former vice president siphoning gas from his outboard motor, DNC Chairman Tom Perez on Monday reportedly tracked down Joe Biden deep in the Florida Everglades tossing whole raw chickens to alligators.

Sources confirmed that the bearded, shaggy-haired Biden, who withdrew from public life four months ago, was initially startled to see Perez, dropping the bird carcass he was de-feathering and uttering “ah shit” when he recognized the newly elected head of the Democratic Party.

“How the fuck did you guys find me?” said Biden, flicking a lit cigarette into the swamp before wiping his brow with the bottom of his faded Merit cigarettes tank top. “I was really hoping I’d seen my last federale pencil pusher.”

“Ain’t much I can do for you unless you want to see ’ol Betsy here make a 10-pound leghorn ...

Tick Scientists Confirm 2017 Summer Will Be Best On Record

Fri, 19 May 2017 11:14:00 -0500


WASHINGTON—Citing numerous encouraging projections from their research, the nation’s tick scientists confirmed Friday that the summer of 2017 would be the best on record. “All 900 species of tick, regardless of whether they’re hard or soft, should plan on enjoying the best summer of their lives thanks to the historically high heat and humidity levels we’re seeing in our calculations,” said the head tick scientist, a standard eight-legged American dog tick, explaining how the excellent season they’re expecting will provide optimal conditions in forest systems worldwide for the hematophagic parasites to lay eggs, metamorphosize, and hide amongst vegetation while waiting to climb onto passing hosts. “Above all others, this year presents ample opportunity for us to bite and possibly transmit diseases to thousands of different birds, humans, and species of livestock. It’s not beyond the realm of possibility that we will gorge on a ...

Mom Sent On Fact-Finding Mission To Read What Parking Sign Down Street Says

Fri, 19 May 2017 09:40:00 -0500


INDIANAPOLIS—Upon discovering what appeared to be an ideal parking spot Friday, members of the Jowhari family reportedly dispatched their mother, Anita, on a fact-finding mission to investigate the details of a nearby street sign. “I can’t see from here—find out when they tow and if there’s a thing with street sweeping on certain days,” said Jowhari’s daughter Katie, 15, who remained in the idling vehicle with her father and brother while her mother jogged down the sidewalk to gather the details required to determine if it was, in fact, safe to leave their vehicle. “And what’s that little red sign below the green one? Something about deliveries? Oh, maybe you can park there but only on weekends. Do they do that?” At press time, family members were attempting to make sense of the 46-year-old’s exaggerated waving from down the block.

Mice Give Birth Using 3D-Printed Ovaries

Fri, 19 May 2017 09:34:00 -0500


In a step toward treatments for human infertility, scientists implanted 3D-printed ovaries into mice, which were then able to give birth using the artificial organs. What do you think?

Hundreds Of Miniature Sean Hannitys Burst From Roger Ailes’ Corpse

Thu, 18 May 2017 18:03:00 -0500


PALM BEACH, FL—Clawing over each other and gasping for air as they emerged, hundreds of miniature Sean Hannitys reportedly burst from Roger Ailes’ corpse Thursday shortly after the former Fox News CEO’s death. “At first, one little hand broke through his skin, and then dozens and dozens of Sean Hannitys just erupted out of Roger’s chest cavity,” said one witness, adding that the cacophony caused by the two-inch-tall, mucus-covered Hannitys screeching right-wing talking points drowned out every other sound in the room. “They were suddenly everywhere, shrieking about the war on Christmas, paid protesters, and coddled, crybaby liberals on college campuses. One of the nasty little things even scampered up the wall and started gnawing on the doorframe. And, my Lord, they just smelled so foul.” At press time, the miniature Sean Hannitys were ravenously devouring Ailes’ corpse.

Tips On Asking For A Promotion

Thu, 18 May 2017 16:21:00 -0500


Chelsea Manning Released

Thu, 18 May 2017 13:41:00 -0500


Army Private Chelsea Manning was released from prison this week after serving seven years of a 35-year sentence for leaking classified information. What do you think?

Trump Trying To Figure Out How To Unsubscribe From Boring National Security Email List

Thu, 18 May 2017 13:19:00 -0500


WASHINGTON—Fed up with the constant notifications about threats to the United States, an exasperated President Trump was trying to figure out how to unsubscribe from the boring national security email list, sources reported Thursday. “Every day, I get these stupid, dull emails about terrorist stuff or nuclear weapons testing, and I can’t find a way to make them stop,” said the president, adding that while he manually deletes the individual highly classified messages as he receives them, he wished there were an actual unsubscribe button so they wouldn’t “clog up [his] inbox” in the first place. “They really should be going to my spam folder, because I don’t remember giving anyone in the CIA or the Department of Homeland Security my email address. If I have to keep getting these top-secret briefings, they should at least make them fun to read. I bet nobody’s actually ...