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The Onion

The Onion

Last Build Date: Sat, 25 Mar 2017 17:20:10 -0500


Tips For A Safe Spring Break

Fri, 24 Mar 2017 17:50:00 -0500


12-Year-Old Who Got Her Hair Curled For Spring Dance The Very Image Of Old Hollywood Glamour

Fri, 24 Mar 2017 13:10:00 -0500


BELMONT, NC—Channeling the timeless elegance of the silver screen, 12-year-old Kaitlyn Falk was reportedly the very image of old Hollywood glamour after getting her hair curled by her aunt for her middle school’s spring dance on Friday. Sources confirmed that the well-coiffed sixth-grader, radiant in her JCPenney dress and borrowed Steve Madden heels, could easily have been mistaken for Audrey Hepburn as she applied a watermelon-scented lip gloss for what might as well have been a lavish soiree at Cary Grant’s seaside estate. And despite being a full four inches shorter than his leading lady, Falk’s date was reportedly the absolute essence of a Tinseltown heartthrob, a modern-day Clark Gable with his gelled-back hair, short-sleeve button-down shirt, and penny loafers that were worn a week earlier at a classmate’s bar mitzvah. At press time, the couple could very well have been walking the same red ...

Top 10 Spring Break Destinations

Fri, 24 Mar 2017 12:38:00 -0500


Stoned Extraterrestrial Stumbles Across Hidden Message After Listening To Golden Record Backwards

Fri, 24 Mar 2017 11:20:00 -0500


GAMMA CEPHEI STAR SYSTEM—Taking long hits of euphoria plasma from his electro-collider bong, stoned extraterrestrial Zogart 21X Flaxum stumbled across a hidden message Friday after listening to the Voyager 1 probe’s Golden Record backwards. “What the fuck,” said Flaxum, telling his fellow Zorlarts to come “check this shit out” and put their ear gills up to the speaker while he used a tendril to turn the record counter-clockwise so that Chuck Berry’s ‘Johnny B. Goode’ played in reverse. “There! You hear it? It’s saying, ‘Kill the Vorblox, children. Kill the Vorblox, children.’ Damn, this is some spooky shit. I’m not gonna be able to zard tonight, no fucking way.” At press time, the aliens had grown paranoid and were now fully convinced that some dark malevolent entity was trying to track them down them from afar.

Friend Of Bruce Springsteen Has Been Thinking Of Excuses To Avoid Checking Out His Band For 50 Years

Fri, 24 Mar 2017 11:06:00 -0500


FREEHOLD, NJ—Saying it hasn’t always been easy inventing reasons for not attending one of his gigs, local man John Gilman, 68, told reporters Thursday that he has spent approximately 50 years coming up with excuses to avoid checking out the band of high school classmate Bruce Springsteen.

An insurance adjuster and friend of Springsteen since the mid-1960s when the acclaimed singer-songwriter played small venues in Monmouth County, New Jersey, Gilman told reporters that over the past half century he has falsely cited homework, car trouble, his kids’ baseball games, and late nights at the office as just a few of the reasons he could not be present at Springsteen’s shows.

“After the first few times I told him I couldn’t make it, I thought he’d take the hint and figure I just wasn’t interested, but he’s never stopped asking,” said Gilman, who hastened ...

Fashion Week Diversity Improving

Fri, 24 Mar 2017 10:49:00 -0500


The year 2017 was the most inclusive one yet for both New York and London Fashion Week, with 12 trans models, 30 plus-size models, and 21 models over 50. What do you think?

DC Executive Worried Batgirl Script Not Interesting Enough To Be Movie, 3 More Movies, 2028 Reboot And 4 More Movies

Fri, 24 Mar 2017 10:11:00 -0500


BURBANK, CA—While giving creative notes on the screenplay in a Friday meeting, DC Comics president Geoff Johns reportedly said he was concerned that a recent draft of the Batgirl: Origins script was not compelling enough to support a movie, three more movies, a 2028 reboot, and four additional movies. “Frankly, I just don’t see this having the legs to carry a feature film, a follow-up trilogy, a video game franchise, and then another prequel trilogy,” Johns said, adding that while the script’s first act “definitely works,” he worried the narrative would drag when stretched to a full 90-minute runtime, several more 90-minute runtimes, and a dozen more 50-minute runtimes as part of the Netflix tie-in series. “I’m just worried this starts running out of steam well before the end of the movie, the comic book adaptation, and the standalone spinoff movies telling the Huntress’s backstory ...

Audubon Society Revokes Black-Capped Chickadee’s Membership After Species Fails To Pay Dues

Fri, 24 Mar 2017 09:29:00 -0500


NEW YORK—Explaining that this wasn’t the first time the small North American songbird had fallen behind, officials at the National Audubon Society revoked the membership of the black-capped chickadee Friday after the species once again failed to pay its dues. “We believe we have been more than flexible with Poecile atricapillus, but every member of this organization is obligated to contribute its fair share,” said CEO and president David Yarnold, adding that the chickadee had simply ignored several notices about its delinquent account and the likely consequences of non-payment. “Even when we allowed the bird to make up back payments with just a small late fee, we received nothing, so we’ve determined that its membership should come to an end. Doing otherwise would be a disservice to the avifauna throughout our 500 chapters that pay their dues on time and in full.” Reached for comment, the black-capped ...

A Primer On Famous Constellations

Thu, 23 Mar 2017 17:31:00 -0500


Military Aides Try To Cheer Up Kim Jong-Un After Failed Missile Launch By Putting On Surprise Execution

Thu, 23 Mar 2017 14:18:00 -0500


PYONGYANG—Following the country’s failed test launch of a new long-range missile, North Korean military aides reportedly tried to cheer up Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un Thursday by putting on a surprise execution. “He was pretty upset by how things went yesterday, so we figured surprising him with the summary execution of a government official would be a great way to boost his spirits,” said Vice Marshal Hwang Pyong-so, adding that aides had worked overnight to find a disloyal judge or Korean Workers’ Party official and arrange the execution in secret. “You should have seen the look on his face when he opened the door to what he thought was an ordinary cabinet meeting and found a former vice chairman of the Central Committee tied to a chair, with a revolver nearby. He was smiling in no time and shot the enemy of the people in the face.” At press ...

Hundreds Of Blind, Pallid Disney Characters Discovered Living In Caves Deep Within Space Mountain

Thu, 23 Mar 2017 14:05:00 -0500


ORLANDO, FL—Confirming years of rumored sightings by visitors to the theme park, officials from Walt Disney World said Tuesday that several hundred blind and bedraggled Disney characters are living in caves deep within Space Mountain.

The misshapen mascots, who after decades spent in total darkness have sickly gray skin and cloudy, sightless eyes, were reportedly found huddled together in a network of caverns extending far beneath the popular Tomorrowland attraction.

“Our maintenance crew recently spotted an unusual tunnel inside Space Mountain and, after shining a light inside, saw several pale forms skitter away into the darkness,” said Walt Disney World president George Kalogridis, noting that the light caused the mascots to hiss, raise their gloved hands in terror, and flee before anyone could get a good look at them. “Then our workers rounded a corner to find dozens of creatures clinging to the walls of the cavern, including one ...

Silicon Valley By The Numbers

Thu, 23 Mar 2017 13:13:00 -0500


Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

Thu, 23 Mar 2017 13:00:00 -0500


In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

‘Capital One Is A Terrible Bank,’ Says Charles Barkley In New Capital One Commercial

Thu, 23 Mar 2017 00:50:00 -0500


ATLANTA—Addressing the camera while seated on a couch between Samuel L. Jackson and Spike Lee, NBA legend and basketball analyst Charles Barkley declared that “Capital One is a terrible bank” in a new Capital One commercial that aired Thursday. “Capital One is a horrible company that screws over all of their customers, and nobody should use them,” said Barkley while eating a bowl of chips in front of a television broadcasting a basketball game, adding that he could probably think of at least ten banks viewers would be better off patronizing, even if they have poor credit. “They don’t listen to any complaints, they charge huge fees, and the financial advice you get from their experts is awful. They just want your money and don’t care about you at all. I fucking hate Capital One.” Barkley reportedly then turned to Lee and Jackson and informed them that ...

‘Yes, But How Did He Die?’ Ghoulish American Public Asks Of Recent Celebrity Death While Rubbing Delicate, Bony Hands Together And Smiling Thinly

Thu, 23 Mar 2017 00:48:00 -0500


WASHINGTON—A glint of curiosity in their otherwise lifeless eyes, the American public ghoulishly asked Thursday upon hearing of a recent celebrity death, “Yes, but how did he die?” as they rubbed their bony hands together and thinly smiled. “Was it an overdose?” said Mark Gansby of Chelmsford, MA, one of the hundreds of millions of Americans who licked their cracked, desiccated lips and wanted to know if he died peacefully or suffered first. “Was there blood? Did he die alone in a hotel room or something?” At press time, the nation had learned the celebrity had taken his own life and, saliva beading on the corners of their mouths, leaned in to ask if he shot himself.

Yellowstone Places Old Faithful On 6-Month Loan To Acadia National Park

Thu, 23 Mar 2017 00:44:00 -0500


TETON COUNTY, WY—In an effort to give more people across the country an opportunity to visit the famous landmark, Yellowstone National Park announced Thursday that it would be putting Old Faithful on a six-month loan to Acadia National Park. “As part of our collaborative partnership with other members of the National Park Service, we’ll be loaning out Old Faithful, one of our most popular tourist attractions, to Acadia National Park in Maine, where it will be on display from April to October as part of a special exhibition,” said Jody Lyle, Yellowstone’s chief of strategic communications, explaining that the geyser would be installed at the base of Acadia’s Beech Mountain Trail and that access to it would be included in the regular park admission fee. “East Coast residents will finally get the chance to witness the geyser’s spectacular eruptions and get a real taste of ...

Sesame Street Introduces Autistic Character

Thu, 23 Mar 2017 00:38:00 -0500


This April, Sesame Street will introduce a character named Julia who is diagnosed with autism. What do you think?

Report: Anxiety Disorders Induced By Trump Presidency Not Covered Under GOP Health Bill

Thu, 23 Mar 2017 00:31:00 -0500


WASHINGTON—Explaining that the legislation would create major gaps in treatment for tens of millions of people, a new report released Thursday by the American Public Health Association found that anxiety disorders induced by Donald Trump’s presidency will not be covered under the new GOP healthcare bill. “Under the proposed American Health Care Act, those experiencing anxiety over the impact of the Trump administration on the economy, civil rights, or the environment, or just suffering from generalized distress over the future of the nation, will have to pay exorbitant out-of-pocket expenses for any therapies required to cope,” said policy analyst Jason Coates, adding that not even the groups who will need treatment most, such as immigrants, women, and the poor, would be covered. “Even as President Trump continues to enact more of his controversial agenda and make antagonizing public statements, millions will remain vulnerable to the resulting mental health ...