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Male Dogs Twice As Likely To Win At Westminster Dog Show

Fri, 16 Feb 2018 22:35:00 GMT

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Due to factors such as coat shedding and breeding programs, male dogs have almost double the chance of winning Best in Show at the prestigious Westminster Dog Show. What do you think?

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Nation Hears Voices Encouraging It To Buy Gun

Fri, 16 Feb 2018 20:58:00 GMT

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WASHINGTON—Searching for a motive to explain the country’s epidemic of mass shootings, sources confirmed Friday that the nation was constantly hearing voices encouraging it to buy a gun. “I hear them all the time, these angry, paranoid voices urging me to go out and arm myself,” said Pennsylvania resident Arthur…

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Uphill Skiing Competition Enters 6th Day

Fri, 16 Feb 2018 20:16:00 GMT

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Episode 3: Calloway Day

Fri, 16 Feb 2018 19:16:00 GMT

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In the third episode of “A Very Fatal Murder,” David attends Calloway Day to see exactly how middle-class America celebrates what little they have, and to see just how deep a hold W.O. Calloway has on the townspeople of Bluff Springs.

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Raytheon Unveils Military Robot Capable Of Composing Poignant Poems About Horrors Of War

Fri, 16 Feb 2018 19:09:00 GMT

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WALTHAM, MA—Heralding its latest product as a breakthrough in artificial-intelligence technology, defense contractor Raytheon announced Friday it has built a military robot capable of composing heart-wrenchingly poignant poems about the relentless horrors of war.

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Man Looking For Job That Plays To His Natural Talent For Half-Assing Things

Fri, 16 Feb 2018 17:06:00 GMT

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SPRINGFIELD, IL—Describing his ideal work environment as lenient on total incompetence, local man James Kearse told reporters Tuesday he’s looking for a job that plays to his natural talent for half-assing things. “I’ve always had a gift for slapping shit together at the last second, so it’d be nice to finally work…

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Archaeologists Unearth Ivory Trumpet Dating Back To Prehistoric Jazz Age

Fri, 16 Feb 2018 16:36:00 GMT

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BATON ROUGE, LA—In a discovery that may indicate the Jazz Age began thousands of years earlier than traditionally believed, a team of archaeologists from Louisiana State University announced Tuesday that they had unearthed a completely intact mastodon-ivory trumpet. “This horn is our first insight into the possible…

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Man Hates It When Trailer Gives Away Entire Premise Of Movie

Fri, 16 Feb 2018 16:04:00 GMT

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DECATUR, IL—Lamenting that his viewing experience was already ruined by reveals made in the preview, area man Adam Fredrikson told reporters Friday that he hates it when a trailer gives away the entire premise of a movie. “I’ll be pumped to see a new film, but once the title and basic dramatic conceit are revealed in…

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‘Oh God, What Happened Last Night?’ Says Groggy Mike Pence After Waking Up In Same Bed As Wife

Fri, 16 Feb 2018 15:47:00 GMT

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WASHINGTON—Experiencing a rising sense of dread as he opened his eyes Friday morning and noticed the woman asleep beside him, a groggy and confused Vice President Mike Pence reportedly muttered, “Oh God, what happened last night?” upon waking up in the same bed as his wife. “This is Karen’s bed—what have I done?” said…

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‘Sports Illustrated’ Publishes First Swimsuit Issue Of #MeToo Movement

Thu, 15 Feb 2018 21:59:00 GMT

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Sports Illustrated is touting its latest swimsuit issue—which features an all-female crew on some photo shoots and empowering slogans written on nude models—as the first of the #MeToo movement. What do you think?

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New School Shooter Drill Includes Practicing Pleas To Lawmakers To Do Something About This

Thu, 15 Feb 2018 21:20:00 GMT

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WASHINGTON—Explaining that the updated procedure could prevent needless tragedies and save countless lives, officials from the National School Boards Association announced Thursday that new active-shooter drills would include practicing pleas to lawmakers to do something about this. “This new training exercise…

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Veteran Congressman Can Still Remember When Inaction On Gun Violence Actually Presented A Moral Dilemma

Thu, 15 Feb 2018 19:00:00 GMT

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WASHINGTON—Thinking back to a far simpler time, veteran congressman Chuck Grassley (R-IA) told reporters Thursday that he could still remember when his inaction on gun violence actually presented a moral dilemma. “I can still recall how, years ago, deciding not to take any steps to address universal background checks…

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Thousands Of Dismembered Crash Test Dummies Line Newly Discovered Catacombs Beneath Ford Motor Plant

Thu, 15 Feb 2018 18:17:00 GMT

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DEARBORN, MI—Forming a macabre display of safety-related anthropomorphic horror, thousands of dismembered and carefully arranged crash test dummies were found lining newly discovered catacombs beneath Ford’s River Rouge Complex, sources reported Thursday. “As my eyes gradually adjusted to the gloom of the labyrinthine…

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Tips For Treating A Bed Bug Infestation

Thu, 15 Feb 2018 16:56:00 GMT

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Bed bugs are a common issue, especially in cities, and getting rid of them can be difficult, time-consuming, and expensive. The Onion presents tips for treating a bed bug infestation.

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John Kelly Apologizes For Assuming Everyone Would Ignore Abuse Allegations Like They Do In Military

Thu, 15 Feb 2018 16:18:00 GMT

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WASHINGTON—Amid criticism of how long he waited to terminate the employment of Rob Porter, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly apologized Wednesday for assuming everyone would just ignore the abuse allegations against the staff secretary the way they always do in the military. “I am deeply sorry for thinking you…

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White House Compares Potential Food Stamps Replacement Program To ‘Blue Apron’

Thu, 15 Feb 2018 14:21:00 GMT

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On the heels of a proposal to cut food stamps, White House Budget Director Mick Mulvaney suggested sending needy Americans food directly in a manner he compared to delivery service Blue Apron. What do you think?

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‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

Wed, 14 Feb 2018 23:32:00 GMT

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PARKLAND, FL—In the hours following a violent rampage in Florida in which a lone attacker killed 17 individuals and seriously injured over a dozen others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre…

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‘Peter Rabbit’ Film Criticized For Making Light Of Allergies

Wed, 14 Feb 2018 22:21:00 GMT

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Sony Pictures has issued an apology for insensitively depicting a gardener’s blackberry allergies in children’s film Peter Rabbit after drawing criticism for a comedic scene in which rabbits pelt the villainous character with blackberries. What do you think?

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Study: 89% Of Husbands Planning To Surprise Wife On Valentine’s Day By Dressing As Naked, Chubby Cherub

Wed, 14 Feb 2018 19:45:00 GMT

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FORT COLLINS, CO—A new study released this week by researchers at Colorado State University revealed that 89 percent of U.S. husbands intend to surprise their wives this Valentine’s Day by stripping nude and then donning a skimpy homemade costume so as to bear the likeness of a plump, winged child-angel. “I just…

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