Subscribe: The Onion
http://www.theonion.com/content/feeds/daily
Added By: Feedage Forager Feedage Grade B rated
Language: English
Tags:
flee tech  historians  nation  new  read  rolling pin  sources  star wars  star  valley startup  wars  white house  white  women flee   
Rate this Feed
Rate this feedRate this feedRate this feedRate this feedRate this feed
Rate this feed 1 starRate this feed 2 starRate this feed 3 starRate this feed 4 starRate this feed 5 star

Comments (0)

Feed Details and Statistics Feed Statistics
Preview: The Onion

The Onion



America’s Finest News Source



 



Astronomers Scan Mysterious Interstellar Object For Signs Of Extraterrestrial Life

Fri, 15 Dec 2017 21:24:00 GMT

(image)

SETI scientists are looking for signs of alien technology on a mysterious object that they believe came from beyond our solar system—the first of its kind to be observed—which has baffled researchers with its probe-like cylindrical shape and lack of any comet-like tail. What do you think?

Read more...




Historians Uncover Evidence Stonehenge Once Prominent Druid Make-Out Spot

Fri, 15 Dec 2017 21:14:00 GMT

(image)

CAMBRIDGE, ENGLAND—Contradicting previous theories as to the purpose of the iconic monument, historians at the University of Cambridge suggested on Friday that Stonehenge was once a prominent Druid make-out spot. “While excavating in and around the site, we found a surprising number of Bronze-age belt buckles, pipes,…

Read more...




Silicon Valley Startup Seeks To Change The Way Women Flee Tech Industry

Fri, 15 Dec 2017 20:48:00 GMT

(image)

SANTA CLARA, CA—Declaring that addressing the issue was a fundamental part of the new company’s mission, Silicon Valley startup DataKore said Friday that it was determined to change the way women flee the tech industry. “We’re absolutely committed to giving women all the resources and opportunities they need to leave…

Read more...




Historians Still Unable To Determine How Americans Were Able To Build Hoover Dam

Fri, 15 Dec 2017 19:58:00 GMT

(image)

CAMBRIDGE, MA— Expressing continued bafflement at the practical knowledge and proficiency required to construct the massive structure, leading historians announced Friday that they remained unsure how Americans managed to build the Hoover Dam. “Decades into researching this tremendous feat of engineering, the question…

Read more...




Nation Dutifully Gets In Cars, Stands In Line, Watches New Star Wars Movie

Fri, 15 Dec 2017 18:08:00 GMT

(image)

WASHINGTON—The film’s official release having finally arrived, millions of Americans across the nation dutifully got in their cars Friday, stood in line, and watched the new Star Wars movie, The Last Jedi. “The latest installment in the Star Wars franchise is now in theaters, which is why I went to my local cinema,…

Read more...







CNN Investigating Reports Of Wolf Blitzer’s Highly Proper Sexual Conduct

Fri, 15 Dec 2017 15:45:00 GMT

(image)

NEW YORK—After a fourth woman stepped forward alleging that the journalist had engaged her in a respectful and entirely aboveboard romantic encounter, CNN announced Thursday that it would be launching a full investigation into reports of Wolf Blitzer’s highly proper sexual conduct. “I assure you that we are taking…

Read more...




Giant Penguin Roamed Earth Millions Of Years Ago

Fri, 15 Dec 2017 15:37:00 GMT

(image)

Scientists in New Zealand have uncovered the fossils of a 5-foot-9-inch-tall, 223-pound penguin, which they speculate lived on Earth shortly after the age of the dinosaurs. What do you think?

Read more...




Eric Trump Hooks Donald Jr. Up To Xbox, iPad, Roomba To Practice Passing Polygraph Test

Thu, 14 Dec 2017 20:53:00 GMT

(image)

WASHINGTON—Instructing him to hold still while he connected the various wires, sources confirmed Thursday that Eric Trump hooked his older brother Donald Jr. up to an Xbox, iPad, and Roomba in order to practice passing a polygraph test. “We gotta do this a bunch of times because the machine can use your heartbeats to…

Read more...










Omarosa To Leave White House

Thu, 14 Dec 2017 20:37:00 GMT

(image)

White House aide and former “The Apprentice” contestant Omarosa Manigault Newman will leave the White House effective Jan. 20, 2018. What do you think?

Read more...




God Gets Celtic Cross Tattooed On Back

Thu, 14 Dec 2017 19:25:00 GMT

(image)

THE HEAVENS—Saying He had been meaning to get some fresh ink for a while now, God, our Lord and Heavenly Father, reportedly got a Celtic cross tattooed on His back, celestial sources said Thursday. “This design carries a lot of meaning for me, and I’m really glad I could get my upper back tattooed with it,” said the…

Read more...




Bob Iger Offers Rupert Murdoch One Night With Mickey Mouse In Exchange For 21st Century Fox

Thu, 14 Dec 2017 18:49:00 GMT

(image)

BURBANK, CA—Revealing that it was the provision that essentially sealed the multi-billion dollar deal, sources reported Thursday that Disney Company CEO Bob Iger offered Rupert Murdoch one night with Mickey Mouse in exchange for 21st Century Fox. “To help sweeten our $52.4 billion proposal, we offered Mr. Murdoch…

Read more...




The Onion Reviews ‘Star Wars: The Last Jedi’

Thu, 14 Dec 2017 18:47:00 GMT

(image)

Read more...







Estée Lauder Expedition Stumbles Upon Frozen Remains Of Previous Party Sent To Retrieve Rare Moisturizing Herb In The Himalayas

Thu, 14 Dec 2017 17:32:00 GMT

(image)

MAKALU, NEPAL—After uncovering four corpses buried in snow along an icy mountain ridge, members of an Estée Lauder expedition said Thursday they had found the remains of a party lost decades ago while searching for a unique moisturizing herb thought to grow deep in the Himalayas.

Read more...




Jeff Bezos Named Amazon Employee Of The Month

Thu, 14 Dec 2017 17:17:00 GMT

(image)

SEATTLE—Recognizing his professionalism and the extra effort he brings each and every day, Amazon announced Thursday that CEO Jeff Bezos was its latest Employee of the Month. “There are a lot of hardworking and talented folks who help make Amazon the success that it is, and Jeff is the perfect example of that,” said…

Read more...




New ‘Star Wars’ Film Once Again Disappoints Die-Hard Nien Nunb Fans

Thu, 14 Dec 2017 16:21:00 GMT

(image)

BOSTON—Expressing frustration at the science fiction franchise’s repeated failure to deliver on their expectations, die-hard fans of Star Wars character Nien Nunb were once again disappointed by new film The Last Jedi, sources confirmed Thursday. “Christ, I came into Episode VIII thinking they’d at least delve deeper…

Read more...




Former Facebook Exec Says Website Tearing Apart Fabric Of Society

Thu, 14 Dec 2017 16:06:00 GMT

(image)

Former Facebook VP Chamath Palihapitiya revealed this week that he felt “tremendous guilt” for helping to build the website and believed it was tearing apart society through misinformation and “exploiting vulnerabilities in human psychology.” What do you think?

Read more...




Apple Acquires Shazam

Wed, 13 Dec 2017 20:12:00 GMT

(image)

Apple confirmed that it has acquired the music identification app Shazam for $400 million. What do you think?

Read more...







DNC Takes Out Full-Page Ad Thanking Alabama’s Working-Class White Voters

Wed, 13 Dec 2017 19:33:00 GMT

(image)

BIRMINGHAM, AL—In an effort to recognize the group’s pivotal role in helping elect Democrat Doug Jones to the Senate, the DNC took out a full-page ad Wednesday in The Birmingham News thanking Alabama’s working-class white voters. “To each and every white, working-class Alabaman who made their voices heard yesterday:…

Read more...







KitchenAid Unveils New All-Terrain Rolling Pin

Wed, 13 Dec 2017 18:04:00 GMT

(image)

BENTON HARBOR, MI—Calling the rugged utensil a necessity for those who bake as hard as they live, KitchenAid on Thursday unveiled its new all-terrain rolling pin. “The DuraDough rolling pin features a larger cylinder diameter lined with specialized treads to take on heavy-duty dough prep,” said company spokesperson…

Read more...