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The Onion

The Onion

Last Build Date: Mon, 24 Apr 2017 02:47:33 -0500


Umbilical Cord Could Repair Memory

Fri, 21 Apr 2017 14:26:00 -0500


A protein compound found in human umbilical cords was recently shown to rejuvenate the brain function of aging mice. What do you think?

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Fri, 21 Apr 2017 14:11:00 -0500


Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Woman Knows To Stay Away From Certain Parts Of Own Psyche At Night

Fri, 21 Apr 2017 11:41:00 -0500


URBANA, IL—Saying there are places it’s best to avoid once the sun goes down, local woman Annabelle Fulton told reporters Friday that she knows to stay away from certain parts of her own psyche at night. “Just to be safe, I always make a point of steering clear of dark areas of my subconscious once it starts getting late,” said Fulton, adding that while maybe nothing would happen, there was no point in chancing it. “If I’m going out for the evening, I stick to familiar thoughts I can trust, especially if I’ve been drinking. I definitely don’t want to be wandering my mind aimlessly—one wrong turn can mean disaster.” Fulton went on to say there were headspaces that were so unsettling, she keeps her distance from them even in broad daylight.

U.S. Funneling Arms To Dissident Angel Group In Effort To Topple God

Fri, 21 Apr 2017 10:52:00 -0500


THE HEAVENS—Blowing the lid off an ongoing plot to help destabilize His Eternal Kingdom, highly placed sources within the intelligence community revealed Friday that the United States has been funneling weapons to a dissident group of angels in an attempt to overthrow God.

According to the sources, who spoke on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to discuss the matter, a CIA-orchestrated operation has provided firearms, ammunition, and financial support to the insurgent angels of the New Dawn Front, with the goal of deposing the longtime Heavenly Father and replacing Him with someone who will advance American interests in the region.

“For the past two years, agents have been supplying weapons and tactical assistance to a band of angelic resistance fighters who refuse to accept the ways of God and are now waging a guerilla war against Him,” said a source within the CIA, adding that the ...

Man Coming To Terms With Fact That Shower Not Getting Any Hotter

Fri, 21 Apr 2017 10:17:00 -0500


POUGHKEEPSIE, NY—Resigning himself to his lukewarm fate, local man Marshall Bregman was at last coming to terms with the fact that his shower was not getting any hotter, sources said Friday. “I didn’t want to believe it, but it’s clear to me now that this shower is as hot as it will ever get,” said Bregman, adding that it was pointless to even wonder why, as he was powerless to effect any change. “I tried everything, from turning the knob all the way to giving it a good 10 minutes to get nice and steamy, but it’s not meant to be. You can only feel under the faucet for a rise in temperature for so long before you have no choice but to fully accept the situation. If nothing else, there’s a kind of peace that comes with acceptance.” At press time, Bregman was giving ...

Study: Psychedelics Lead To ‘Higher State Of Consciousness’

Fri, 21 Apr 2017 10:11:00 -0500


Scientists have found that psychedelic drugs such as LSD increase the mathematical diversity of brain activity, thus achieving a “higher state of consciousness.” What do you think?

Mike Pence Has Long Heart-To-Heart With Staffer Who Came To Work With Coffee On Breath

Fri, 21 Apr 2017 09:44:00 -0500


WASHINGTON—Saying that he was really worried about her and only wanted to help, Vice President Mike Pence reportedly had a long heart-to-heart conversation Friday with a staffer who came to work with coffee on her breath. “Look, I know you’re trying to hide it, but I can smell it—you’ve been drinking coffee, haven’t you?” said Pence, who had confronted aide Dana O’Brien with the allegation after summoning her to his office, gently closing the door, and assuring her that she was not in any trouble whatsoever. “I just want you to get the help you need, and if that means taking some time off work to get clean, you have my full support. And listen, I know I’m your boss, but if you want to talk to someone about your problems, you can always knock on my door.” At press time, Pence was ...

Serena Williams Pregnant

Thu, 20 Apr 2017 16:43:00 -0500


After posing a Snapchat announcement and then quickly deleting it, tennis star Serena Williams has confirmed she is pregnant. What do you think?

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

Thu, 20 Apr 2017 15:20:00 -0500


NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel. “God, I have so many great memories from this place,” said the longtime host of The O’Reilly Factor as he stared down at the 8-by-10 glossy print showing a woman’s exposed underwear taken from underneath a news desk, before wrapping it in tissue paper and placing it gently in a cardboard box alongside a smaller three-panel frame containing photos of various women’s bare thighs. “I worked with some truly amazing people who showed me some incredible things over the years. I’m really going to miss everything I got to do at this ...

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

Thu, 20 Apr 2017 15:12:00 -0500


ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Family members wistfully told reporters that grandmother Joan Osterman, who passed away last October at the age of 83, heartily enjoyed the revelry of 4/20 every year, recalling how the elderly woman always had the kindest, dankest nugs and the sweetest perma-grin on her face after ripping a huge bong hit.

“It’s just so different celebrating 4/20 without Grandma Joan here,” said 19-year-old Julia Osterman, adding that many of her most cherished 4/20 memories were of her grandmother, from how the older woman was always the first one to wake and bake in the morning, to helping her hang the family’s blacklights and her beloved Peter Tosh “Legalize It” poster. “You’d ...

Berkeley Campus On Lockdown After Loose Pages From ‘Wall Street Journal’ Found On Park Bench

Thu, 20 Apr 2017 14:38:00 -0500


BERKELEY, CA—Advising students to remain in their dormitories and classrooms until the situation was resolved, the University of California, Berkeley declared a campuswide lockdown Thursday after several loose pages from The Wall Street Journal were found on a park bench outside a school building. “At 11:15 this morning, several pages from two separate sections of today’s Wall Street Journal were discovered spread across a bench outside of Eshleman Hall in Lower Sproul Plaza,” read the urgent alert sent to all students and faculty, emphasizing that while campus security and local police had safely disposed of the pages, there was no way of knowing if others were strewn elsewhere on university grounds. “As of now, the perpetrator remains at large, so it is vital that you stay where you are until the all-clear is given. In the meantime, notify police immediately if you have any additional information at ...

Pope Francis Scouring Papal Tombs For Final Easter Egg Of Vatican Hunt

Thu, 20 Apr 2017 13:21:00 -0500


VATICAN CITY—Recalling that he hid it somewhere among the dozens of sarcophagi underneath St. Peter’s Basilica, Pope Francis was reportedly scouring the papal tombs Thursday in search of the final egg from the Vatican Easter Egg Hunt. “If I can’t find this egg, the catacombs will totally reek,” said the frustrated bishop of Rome while rifling through the final resting place of holy pontiffs, crawling on his hands and knees on the crypt floor to peek under the reliquary of Saint Peter. “I found all the eggs tucked away in the Pietà, the tabernacle, and confessional, and the one I hid in the hands of the embalmed body of Pope John XXIII, so the last Easter egg has got to be down here somewhere.” At press time, Pope Francis was reportedly filled with disgust after rolling up the sleeves of his cassock, reaching into Leo X’s ...

5 Things To Know About Peanut Allergies

Thu, 20 Apr 2017 12:34:00 -0500


Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

Thu, 20 Apr 2017 12:08:00 -0500


UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind. “Aw man, they don’t have any,” said Rambart, adding that they had a bunch of the other ones, but those aren’t as good as the kind he always gets, which are much better. “I guess a lot of people also like the kind I like. Maybe if I go to another place, they’ll have them.” At press time, Rambart was even more disappointed upon learning that not only didn’t the other store have the good kind but the manufacturer had stopped making the good kind altogether.

New Report Finds U.S. Employees Most Engaged At Workplace While Working As Frontman Of Styx

Thu, 20 Apr 2017 11:58:00 -0500


CHICAGO—Saying it was by far the strongest predictor of high workplace morale, a new report released Thursday by researchers at the University of Chicago found that employees in the United States are most engaged at their jobs while working as the frontman of rock band Styx. “Whether they’re belting out power ballads like ‘Come Sail Away’ or straight-ahead guitar-driven hits like ‘Renegade,’ our findings consistently show that being the frontman of Styx is the most important factor in determining whether employees are fully invested in their jobs,” said lead author Ryan Sexton, whose research found that, across all demographic categories, workers were much more likely to put in extra hours and come in on weekends when they were traveling on a 26-stop cross-country United We Rock tour with REO Speedwagon. “Our data clearly indicates that employees are never more motivated than when donning a robot mask and performing ...

Kevin Spacey To Host Tony Awards

Thu, 20 Apr 2017 10:26:00 -0500


Actor Kevin Spacey, who won one of the prestigious theater awards in 1991 for his role in “Lost In Yonkers,” will host the 71st annual Tony Awards this June. What do you think?

Oklahoma State Penitentiary Unveils New In-Chamber Entertainment System To Keep Inmates Occupied During Lethal Injections

Thu, 20 Apr 2017 08:32:00 -0500


MCALESTER, OK—Touting the extensive library of programming available to be streamed while waiting for an untested cocktail of chemicals to induce cardiac arrest, officials from Oklahoma State Penitentiary unveiled a new in-chamber entertainment system Thursday aimed at keeping inmates occupied throughout their lethal injections. “As soon as they’re strapped onto the table and medical personnel begin an extended search for a usable vein, our death row inmates will be able to use the system control pad to navigate a wide menu of television programs and feature films available for immediate viewing,” said penitentiary spokesman John Clark, explaining that the new system is fully equipped with a 42-inch 4K screen, Dolby surround sound speakers, and access to streaming services such as Netflix and HBO Go to provide those awaiting their deaths with the ability to queue up as many movies, shows, documentaries, comedy specials, and concerts as they want ...

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

Wed, 19 Apr 2017 19:05:00 -0500


WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name. “All right, let’s go, bird guys,” said Howard, who reportedly glanced furtively toward his teammates to gauge their reaction to one of his many wild guesses. “Come on, Red Beaks! Nobody messes with the, you know, Crimson Crows.” At press time, Howard was reportedly imploring his teammates to dig deep and think about all their fans watching back in Georgia City.