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The Onion

The Onion

Last Build Date: Wed, 18 Oct 2017 11:46:43 -0500


New Evidence Reveals Pythagoras Wrote Dozens Of Unhinged Conspiracy Theorems About Triangles

Wed, 18 Oct 2017 09:06:00 -0500


CAMBRIDGE, MA—A trove of recently unearthed documents dating back to the sixth century B.C. has revealed that the ancient Greek philosopher and mathematician Pythagoras wrote dozens of elaborate, unhinged conspiracy theorems pertaining to triangles, researchers announced Wednesday.

Upon examining a cache of papyrus scrolls found while excavating a site near the modern Italian city of Crotone, a team of historians and classical scholars at Harvard University discovered previously unknown writings by Pythagoras and others that suggest the philosopher was obsessed with proving triangles played a powerful but highly secretive role in the world he inhabited, controlling nearly every aspect of life.

“These conspiracy theorems shed new light on this historic figure, who was apparently suspicious of the fact that all triangles have interior angles adding up to 180 degrees, believing this was evidence that they were united in hiding some sort of covert agenda,” said Professor Janet Boisvert ...

California Law Requires Pet Stores To Sell Rescue Animals

Wed, 18 Oct 2017 09:00:00 -0500


A new California law requires pet stores to exclusively sell animals from rescue shelters, imposing a $500 fine for each dog, cat, or rabbit for sale that is not a rescue. What do you think?

1-800-EAT-SHIT Finally Publishes Decades Of Reckless-Driving Data

Wed, 18 Oct 2017 08:58:00 -0500


NEW YORK—Releasing the records in hopes of reducing automobile accidents nationwide, 1-800-EAT-SHIT on Tuesday finally published decades of reckless-driving data. “These documents catalogue millions of reported moving violations from the sticker’s debut in 1987 and provide valuable information that hopefully will help keep everyone safer on the road,” said head researcher Lydia Cattalone, explaining that the reports based on the hotline calls, breaking down the frequency with which motorists forgot to signal, sped through toll booths, and cut other drivers off over a 30-year period, could potentially decrease automobile deaths by up to 15 percent. “When we first proposed the idea of a bumper sticker as a means of data collection, it was considered rather unorthodox, but it has paid off with a massive repository of vital information. We, of course, would like to thank all of our volunteer respondents, whose passionate and consistent reporting made the whole ...

Report: Bridge Probably Has Whole Mess Of Bats Under There

Wed, 18 Oct 2017 08:56:00 -0500


Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

Wed, 18 Oct 2017 08:48:00 -0500


SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy. “After conducting an exhaustive, years-long examination of the donated brains of deceased former players across a wide range of ages, our team confirmed that nearly all of them are covered in slimy, wet goop,” said lead scientist Richard Hurley, who explained that, of the 202 organs studied, a staggering 199 were “all mushy and slippery” when held, with 163 leaving behind some sort of gunk on their laboratory examination gloves. “In more than two-thirds of these cases, the corpus callosum was identified as a common point of goo buildup, acting as a trench between the two hemispheres for the sticky brain juice to pool up. Consistent across the vast majority ...

The Casting Grouch

Tue, 17 Oct 2017 15:03:00 -0500


Aides Concerned Trump’s Mental Health Declining After President Admits He May Not Be Omnipotent Living God

Tue, 17 Oct 2017 13:54:00 -0500


WASHINGTON—Alarmed by the sudden change in his thinking and behavior, White House aides said Tuesday that they were concerned about President Trump’s declining mental health after he admitted he may not be an omnipotent living god. “The president has always been completely clearheaded about his status as the supreme being, so we naturally began to suspect something wasn’t right when he started openly doubting that he was the creator and eternal master of existence,” said Trump staffer Greg Fairfield, adding that he sincerely hoped that the president was just tired or under stress on those occasions when he second-guessed his status as an all-knowing, all-seeing divinity. “It’s just these little moments here or there where he mutters something like, ‘Maybe the universe didn’t spring forth from my essence,’ that make us worry he’s not quite there. I mean, that’s just not who he ...

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

Tue, 17 Oct 2017 13:01:00 -0500


SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick. “Fucking Dave; this is all his fault,” said the feverish Mosley, recalling when coworker Dave Barlow coughed several times throughout the day last week at work and neglected to cover his goddamn mouth. “I bet that piece of shit got me sick when we were talking in the elevator. He kept sniffing and wiping his nose. That fucking moron claimed it was allergies. He probably knew it wasn’t, that fucking dick.” At press time, several of Mosley’s other coworkers were reportedly at home sick with a virus, which they were all currently blaming “that stupid fucking dumbshit Mosley” for spreading around the office.

Pollution Exposure During Pregnancy May Shorten Baby’s Life

Tue, 17 Oct 2017 12:59:00 -0500


A study found that pregnant women exposed to higher levels of air pollution gave birth to babies with shorter telomeres, a possible sign of premature aging and predictor of health problems. What do you think?

Fuck, I Totally Forgot To Fight For Women’s Rights And Promote Sustainability

Tue, 17 Oct 2017 09:23:00 -0500


Talk about an “oops” moment! The other day, after a White House staff meeting, I was walking past the Blue Room when I had this vague sense that I’d spaced out on something major. As much as I racked my brain, though, I just couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was. It was only later in the afternoon when I was working at my desk that it finally hit me out of the blue—I totally fucking forgot to fight for women’s rights and promote sustainability!

I knew there was something I’d been meaning to do. Dammit!

Have you ever had that happen? You know, that feeling that you’ve left an important item off your to-do list but can’t figure out what it was, only for it to unexpectedly pop right back into your head later on? Well, guilty as charged! I ...

Halloween By The Numbers

Tue, 17 Oct 2017 09:17:00 -0500


Historians Suggest ‘Goodfellas’ YouTube Clips May Be Fragments Of Larger Work

Tue, 17 Oct 2017 08:04:00 -0500


LOS ANGELES—Saying there were too many similarities for it to be mere coincidence, historians from the University of Southern California suggested on Thursday that each of the Goodfellas clips on YouTube might be fragments of a larger artistic work. “After analyzing more than 400 separate videos, I believe there is strong evidence linking the characters, settings, and dialogue to a broader narrative, possibly related to organized crime in the middle-to-late 20th century,” said USC film history professor Patrick Carnevale, theorizing that the teenage Henry Hill character who did small jobs for the neighborhood wiseguys and the adult Henry Hill who set up the Lufthansa heist were, in fact, one and the same. “For instance, we originally thought a four-minute clip of Tommy getting insulted by Billy Batts in a Queens bar and later participating in his murder was its own distinct masterpiece, but when we looked at it in ...

Scientists Warn Yellowstone Supervolcano Could Erupt Sooner Than Thought

Tue, 17 Oct 2017 07:59:00 -0500


Researchers warned that a massive volcano underneath Yellowstone National Park could erupt sooner than expected, potentially wiping out most life on earth. What do you think?

How Gerrymandering Works

Tue, 17 Oct 2017 07:52:00 -0500


The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 17, 2017

Tue, 17 Oct 2017 07:00:00 -0500


Tips To Spice Up Your Sex Life

Mon, 16 Oct 2017 18:00:00 -0500


Snakes On Caduceus Clearly In Love

Mon, 16 Oct 2017 15:37:00 -0500


Larry Flynt Offers $10 Million Reward For Info Leading To Trump Impeachment

Mon, 16 Oct 2017 14:02:00 -0500


Hustler magazine founder Larry Flynt used a full-page ad in the Washington Post to offer a $10 million bounty for information leading to Donald Trump’s impeachment. What do you think?

Starbucks Offering New Lukewarm Coffee To Help Ease Customers’ Transition From Iced To Hot

Mon, 16 Oct 2017 13:49:00 -0500


SEATTLE—Introducing the latest seasonal drink to its menu, Starbucks announced Monday that the company is now offering a new lukewarm coffee to help ease customers’ transition from iced to hot beverages. “Our new Tepid Roast will be available for a limited time in select cities where temperatures have started to dip between 70 and 60 degrees Fahrenheit,” said spokeswoman Heather Grant, adding that the fairly recently brewed coffee, which has been left sitting out on the counter for a while, is already available at Starbucks locations in several Northern states experiencing weather that’s not warm enough for an iced caffè Americano but also not really chilly enough either to order a hot latte. “In most places, our room temperature coffee will only be around for a couple of weeks while the weather is mild, so we encourage customers to visit their local Starbucks to get one while it ...