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The Onion

The Onion

Last Build Date: Fri, 20 Jan 2017 06:39:17 -0600


Primates Facing Extinction Crisis

Thu, 19 Jan 2017 17:04:00 -0600


A new study that tracked 500 species of primates found that 60 percent face extinction and three-quarters are on the decline due to poaching and deforestation. What do you think?

The Pros And Cons Of Early Retirement

Thu, 19 Jan 2017 15:39:00 -0600


With careful planning and prudent financial decisions, many Americans could retire before 65. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of such a decision:

Tearful Biden Carefully Takes Down Blacklight Poster Of Topless Barbarian Chick From Office Wall

Thu, 19 Jan 2017 14:22:00 -0600


WASHINGTON—Sighing wistfully while recalling all the times the psychedelic artwork helped get his “rocks off,” Vice President Joe Biden reportedly grew emotional Thursday as he carefully took down a blacklight poster of a topless barbarian chick from his office wall. “Man, you have no idea how many times staring up at that badass warrior babe’s grade-A rack picked up Ol’ Joe when he was deep in some shit,” said a teary-eyed Biden, who cautiously removed the array of masking tape, poster putty, staples, and thumbtacks affixing the “total mindfuck” print to the wall to avoid damaging the image of the “completely stacked” female warrior. “This was the first and only thing I put up in my office. Hell, I never even bothered to unpack most of these boxes. Damn, that’s a sweet sword. She’s one wild lady-savage with some exotic, tribal powers; let’s just say ...

Tips For Choosing A Babysitter

Thu, 19 Jan 2017 14:20:00 -0600


Shackled Kerry Looks On As Chechen Terror Leader Removes Mask To Reveal Scarred Face Of Former Mentor

Thu, 19 Jan 2017 13:26:00 -0600


GROZNY, RUSSIA—Coming eye to eye with the mysterious guerrilla mastermind he had been hunting for the past several years, a shackled Secretary of State John Kerry looked on Thursday as a notorious and brutal Chechen terror leader removed his mask to reveal the scarred face of Kerry’s former mentor. “No, it can’t be—the explosion in Iran, the fire—you’ve been dead 15 years,” said the bruised and bloodied U.S. cabinet official, staring in disbelief at the former black-ops expert who had taken Kerry under his wing and spent years training him in espionage, explosives, and martial arts before his apparent death while sabotaging an Iranian oil pipeline. “It’s been you this whole time, hasn’t it? You were behind the kidnapping of the Russian attaché, the uranium stolen from Seversk—all of it. How could you turn your back on everything we fought ...

5 Things To Know About The Women’s March On Washington

Thu, 19 Jan 2017 12:02:00 -0600


The Future—And I’m Talking, Like, 35,000 Years In The Future—Is Still Bright

Thu, 19 Jan 2017 10:08:00 -0600


Many Americans are upset right now. To millions, the outcome this past November seemed like a step backward for the United States, and people are understandably worried about where our nation might now be headed. But my fellow citizens, now is not the time to give in to pessimism or defeatism, because the future—and I’m talking, like, 35,000 years in the future—is still bright.

Admittedly, this is a troubling time for our country, one where it seems like decades of progress on social and environmental issues could be at risk. But when you look ahead—and again, I mean way, way ahead, to at least the 370th century or so—there’s still plenty of cause for optimism.

Things may not get better today, or the next day, or while any of us, or our children, or any of our great-great-great-grandchildren’s great-great-great-grandchildren are still alive ...

Paris Seeks Eiffel Tower Renovations

Thu, 19 Jan 2017 09:46:00 -0600


Paris mayor Anne Hidalgo is seeking a $318 million upgrade to the Eiffel Tower in anticipation of the city’s 2024 Olympic bid, with proposed changes including an updated visitor entrance and increased security. What do you think?

ACA Enrollment Highest In States That Voted Trump

Wed, 18 Jan 2017 16:05:00 -0600


Of the 6.4 million people who signed up for ACA coverage by the mid-December deadline, states with the highest levels of enrollment all voted for Trump in the 2016 election. What do you think?

5 Things To Know About Betsy DeVos

Wed, 18 Jan 2017 15:59:00 -0600


Biden Searching White House One Last Time For Missing Pet Snake

Wed, 18 Jan 2017 12:54:00 -0600


WASHINGTON—Urging staffers to keep their eyes peeled for a “scaly little fucker without any legs,” Vice President Joe Biden reportedly searched the White House one last time Wednesday for his missing 12-year-old pet coral snake, Fruit Loop. “Look, I just found a discarded skin on a chair in the Roosevelt Room, so I know he’s still slithering around here someplace,” said Biden, who sources confirmed rummaged through the drawers of the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office and crawled around on his hands and knees peering underneath furniture for the 3-foot-long snake. “Fruit Loop can’t be far—he usually hauls ass straight for the East Wing whenever he flies the coop. If you hear something weird going on in the pipes, just get me on the horn and I’ll come lickety-split with a pole to snatch him. I can’t fuck up again—I’m already ...

Social Media Terms to Know

Wed, 18 Jan 2017 12:17:00 -0600


Whale Regrets Eating 290,000 Plastic Poker Chips That Fell Off Container Ship

Wed, 18 Jan 2017 09:40:00 -0600


ATLANTIC OCEAN—Shifting uncomfortably in the water as it struggled with painful indigestion, a local fin whale expressed a growing sense of regret Wednesday after eating 290,000 plastic poker chips that had fallen from a container ship during a recent storm. “Ugh, polishing off all those little things was a huge mistake,” said the bloated whale, lamenting that it didn’t show more restraint and stop feeding after straining the first 100,000 small plastic discs through its baleen. “The red ones just looked so tasty, I couldn’t help myself. God, I scarfed down way too many tons of those things. What the hell was I thinking?” At press time, the contrite whale was vowing to stick to a strict diet of krill and the occasional radial tire.

5 Things To Watch For At Trump’s Inauguration

Wed, 18 Jan 2017 09:37:00 -0600


Obama Hoping He Doesn’t Run Into U.S. Populace After Presidency

Wed, 18 Jan 2017 09:17:00 -0600


WASHINGTON—Explaining that the experience would be extremely awkward for each side, President Barack Obama told reporters Wednesday he is really hoping not to run into the U.S. populace after his term ends.

Obama said that once his presidency officially draws to a close on Friday, he would ideally have little or no interaction with his 324 million former constituents, adding that if he ever unexpectedly crossed paths with the American people while going for a walk or doing errands, he hoped they could each quickly continue on with their day with just a passing exchange of pleasantries.

“I’m going to try to steer clear of them, but it’s really only a matter of time before I bump into them on the street or out at a restaurant or something,” said Obama, emphasizing that while he had nothing against the United States citizenry personally, it would be ...

Asshole Moves To Part Of City Where All The Assholes Live

Wed, 18 Jan 2017 09:14:00 -0600


NEW YORK—Saying the area felt like the “perfect fit” for him, local asshole Kyle Howard expressed his excitement Wednesday at moving to the part of the city where all the assholes live. “I’m really glad I moved here [among every other asshole in the city],” said the 31-year-old asshole, who, given his completely assholeish hobbies and interests, had long desired to live in the neighborhood of assholes. “There are so many great [asshole] restaurants and a ton of really convenient [asshole] stores right outside my door. I can’t wait to get settled in and [be a complete and unrepentant asshole alongside pricks, bastards, and fuckers exactly like me]. I already feel at home.” At press time, the total asshole had reportedly met an asshole woman at a local coffee shop that specifically caters to assholes.

8 Men Own As Much Wealth As Half The World

Wed, 18 Jan 2017 09:08:00 -0600


Oxfam International reports that Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, Mark Zuckerberg, Carlos Slim, Jeff Bezos, Amancio Ortega, Larry Ellison, and Michael Bloomberg have a collective net worth of $426 billion, as much as the world’s poorest 3.6 billion people. What do you think?

Springsteen Tribute Band Drops Out Of Inauguration

Tue, 17 Jan 2017 16:06:00 -0600


The B-Street Band, a Bruce Springsteen tribute band hired to perform at the inauguration this Friday, has canceled out of respect for Springsteen’s feelings toward Donald Trump. What do you think?

5 Things To Know About Brexit

Tue, 17 Jan 2017 15:47:00 -0600