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The Onion



Last Build Date: Sat, 25 Feb 2017 01:06:21 -0600

 



How Hollywood Can Address The Gender Gap

Fri, 24 Feb 2017 16:44:00 -0600

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Study: Bees Capable Of Complex Learning

Fri, 24 Feb 2017 16:37:00 -0600

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New research has provided astounding insight on the intelligence of bees, who can quickly learn to imitate and then improve upon tricks taught to them by scientists. What do you think?




Can You Still Be Sexy After 50?

Fri, 24 Feb 2017 15:43:00 -0600

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Child Protective Services Take 80 Million Children Into Custody After Discovering No One In Country Fit To Be Parent

Fri, 24 Feb 2017 15:02:00 -0600

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WASHINGTON—Saying no one in the country is responsible or reliable enough to serve as a legal guardian, child protective services officials from all 50 states confirmed Friday that they had found all of the nation’s adults unfit to be parents and had taken custody of approximately 80 million children.

Child welfare workers told reporters they removed all persons under the age of 18 from their unsuitable living situations and placed them under state supervision after home visits revealed that none of the 68 million parents in the United States possessed the judgment or emotional maturity necessary to raise a child.

“Throughout the nation, investigations into the home environments of children failed to find a single household in which parents were serving as positive role models in any way,” said U.S. Administration for Children and Families spokesperson Lisa Young, describing how caseworkers entered homes to find kids eating ...




Kremlin Agent Not Even Going To Bother Trying To Compromise Trump Staffer Who Will Be Forced To Resign In Few Months

Fri, 24 Feb 2017 13:25:00 -0600

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MOSCOW—Saying he did not want to waste his energy, Kremlin agent Pyotr Vasiliev told reporters Friday that he would not even bother trying to compromise a Trump staffer he knew will be forced to resign in a few months. “What’s the point of putting in the effort to exploit him when it’s so obvious that he’s just going to get the boot by May at the latest?” said Vasiliev, adding that he saw no real reason to blackmail someone who was well on his way to being pushed out regardless. “It’s a lot of work to prepare dossiers on these people, and it’s just not worth it if they won’t even be around long enough to manipulate. Seriously, why should I gather all this intelligence on someone if I’m just going to wake up one day to a press conference where he ...




5 Things To Know About TRAPPIST-1

Fri, 24 Feb 2017 13:02:00 -0600

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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

Fri, 24 Feb 2017 12:58:00 -0600

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The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:




Jerry Jones Unveils Plans For Extravagant 100,000-Seat Cowboys Owner’s Box

Fri, 24 Feb 2017 11:54:00 -0600

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ARLINGTON, TX—Boasting that it will provide the most extraordinary game-day atmosphere ever conceived, Jerry Jones officially unveiled plans Friday for an extravagant new 100,000-seat Dallas Cowboys owner’s box. “Beginning in 2019, friends and family of the Cowboys ownership will be able to enjoy all the action from the comfort of our state-of-the-art, 3-million-square-foot owner’s box,” said Jones, adding that a 250-foot-wide LCD Jumbotron will hang in the center of the luxury suite, which is also expected to accommodate indoor fireworks shows and live musical performances during halftime. “With perfect sight lines and extra-wide aisles throughout each of its 60 sections, our owner’s box will offer a viewing experience unparalleled by that of any other stadium suite in the world. Plus, with 30 concession stands, five sports bars, and a full-service Johnny Rockets, guests of the ownership will never go hungry on Sunday. I am excited ...




The Onion Reviews ‘La La Land’

Fri, 24 Feb 2017 10:43:00 -0600

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Harvard Names Rihanna Humanitarian Of The Year

Fri, 24 Feb 2017 09:30:00 -0600

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Pop singer Rihanna has been named Harvard’s 2017 Humanitarian Of The Year in recognition of the oncology center she has built in her native Barbados. What do you think?




Shy Ex-Citigroup Executive Struggling To Fit In With Popular Clique Of Ex–Goldman Sachs Executives At White House

Fri, 24 Feb 2017 09:29:00 -0600

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WASHINGTON—Noting that the tight-knit group rarely associated with others, shy ex-Citigroup executive Harold Burke told reporters Friday that he has been struggling to fit in with the popular clique of ex–Goldman Sachs executives at the White House. “They’ve all known each other for years, and they have all kinds of inside jokes, so it’s really hard to break in,” said Burke, adding that he has tried several times to hang out with Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin, National Economic Council director Gary Cohn, and several other former Goldman Sachs executives, but always felt excluded. “I see them in the hallways at the White House all the time, but I might as well be invisible. Every once in a while, I’ll eat lunch with the guy from JPMorgan Chase. Usually, though, I just end up finding a quiet stairwell by the East Wing and sitting alone.” At ...




Trump Rolls Back Transgender Protections

Thu, 23 Feb 2017 16:26:00 -0600

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The Trump administration will lift Obama’s protections of transgender students’ right to use the bathroom of their choice, claiming these protections were never properly vetted. What do you think?




Most Endangered Species

Thu, 23 Feb 2017 16:04:00 -0600

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Key Halftime Adjustments Propel Fourth-Grade Rec Basketball Team To 8-Point Third Quarter

Thu, 23 Feb 2017 15:53:00 -0600

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WARREN, MI—Completing a stunning turnaround after the opposing team had jumped out to a commanding two-score lead, a local fourth-grade recreational basketball team made several key halftime adjustments Wednesday night that propelled them to a dominant eight-point third quarter. “We had a rough start, but deciding to put the ball in [guard Michael] Higgins’ hands really paid off when he absolutely caught fire by going two-of-nine in the second half,” said coach Jeff Hornyak, who also credited the addition of a second play for the team’s offensive explosion of four unanswered points over the first seven minutes of the third quarter. “Of course, Tyler [Guertner] also came up huge with a two-pointer after we told him to concentrate on using the backboard to bank in layups instead of launching airballs from several feet behind the three-point line, and our renewed emphasis on getting to the foul line worked ...




Nation’s Schools To Ensure Bullied Transgender Students Hide In Stalls Of Bathrooms Corresponding To Biological Sex

Thu, 23 Feb 2017 15:05:00 -0600

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WASHINGTON—Reversing federal guidelines to public schools issued by the Obama administration, Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced Thursday that states and local school districts would be charged with ensuring that bullied transgender students hide in bathroom stalls corresponding to their biological sex. “We need to make certain that harassed transgender students are fleeing to bathrooms consistent with the sex they were assigned at birth so that they can sit perfectly still with their feet pulled up on a toilet seat in an appropriate setting,” said Sessions, adding that transgender youths did not have the right to avoid imminent bodily harm in any bathroom stall they wanted. “If a student wishes to cower in a stall and muffle their sobbing because of the beating they’re certain to receive if discovered, they are welcome to—but only in facilities intended for their biological sex.” At press time, a number of transgender ...







Frustrated Russian Officials Struggling To Get Any Policies Through Dysfunctional Trump Administration

Thu, 23 Feb 2017 12:43:00 -0600

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MOSCOW—Lamenting that internal disorganization was making it extremely difficult to get anything done, Russian officials voiced their frustration Thursday about continuing struggles to get policies through the dysfunctional Trump administration. “You’d think that after being in the White House for a month, they’d have at least some rudimentary process for rolling out our new proposals, but it’s just been a mess so far,” said Defense Minister Sergei Shoigu, adding that the recent dismissal of Michael Flynn as national security advisor was “just the tip of the iceberg” in a chaotic White House where internal conflicts and numerous leaks made it hard for the Russians to implement any workable ideas at all. “Nobody, but nobody, knows who’s in charge. If they’re not dragging their feet getting our new legislative demands in front of Congress, they’re rushing out some executive order before we’ve even ...




Report: Still A Few Seconds Left Where Plane Low Enough To Crash With Everyone Surviving

Thu, 23 Feb 2017 12:26:00 -0600

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CHICAGO—Determining that no one had anything to worry about for the time being, passengers aboard a 737 taking off at O’Hare International Airport reported Thursday that the plane would still be low enough for a few seconds longer that it could crash with everyone surviving. “We’re not that high off the ground yet, so if the engines gave out right this instant, it’s very likely that none of us would die,” said passenger Ben Aletta, adding that, for a few fleeting moments, the worst that could happen would be that the plane skidded down the tarmac and a handful of people broke some bones. “Maybe a couple of passengers up front would have to be rushed to the hospital, and maybe some folks not wearing their seatbelt slam their head and get a concussion—but when it was all said and done, we’d all be ...




2016 Sees Record Number Of Female-Led Films

Thu, 23 Feb 2017 09:50:00 -0600

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New data confirms that, of the top 100 films released in 2016, women starred in a record-high 29 percent of them, with more representation in ensemble casts and more speaking roles overall. What do you think?




Man Leaves Position He Would Kill For 3 Years From Now To Pursue Dream Job

Thu, 23 Feb 2017 09:38:00 -0600

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NEW YORK—Eager to begin the exciting next chapter in his life, Polaris Market Solutions associate Chris Wardentine left the job he would kill to have back three years from now to pursue his dream of documentary filmmaking, sources confirmed Thursday. “I really do enjoy working here, but sometimes you just have to step out of your comfort zone if you want to achieve all your goals,” said Wardentine, who will be desperate for the reliable salary and other benefits of the job he is boldly exiting once his first project leaves him $40,000 in debt. “Let’s face it, I’m not getting any younger. So if I don’t give it a shot now, then when?” At press time, Wardentine was bidding a fond farewell to the coworkers he will be emailing three years from now about potential openings in any department at the company.