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The Onion



The Onion



Last Build Date: Wed, 20 Sep 2017 06:23:46 -0500

 



Grandma Jumps Into Buick For Emergency Birdseed Run

Wed, 20 Sep 2017 06:00:00 -0500

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MADISON, WI—Wheels kicking up dust as her car peeled out of the driveway, local grandmother Delores Hanson jumped into her 2005 Buick Lesabre for an emergency birdseed run, sources confirmed Wednesday. “I’ll be goddamned if the blue jays are going hungry!” said Hanson, her vehicle powersliding around a corner and into the Petco parking lot where the 73-year-old dashed out of the still idling car to purchase a 15-pound bag of sunflower seeds. “Hang on, birdies, dinner’s coming! Out of my way, cocksuckers!” At press time, Hanson was doing 30 miles above the speed limit but had no intention of stopping for the police car in her rearview mirror.




EPA Releases Annual List Of Cities Where Tap Water Probably Fine To Drink But Tastes Kinda Off

Wed, 20 Sep 2017 06:00:00 -0500

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WASHINGTON—As part of the office’s annual assessment of the safety and sanitation of the nation’s water supply, the Environmental Protection Agency released Tuesday a list of all municipalities in the U.S. where the tap water is likely fine to drink but tastes sorta odd. “Although the drinking water from the locations on this list fall within safe pH levels and all tested negative for any disease-causing bacteria and contaminants, we found that when you drink a glass straight from the faucet, something doesn’t taste quite right,” said EPA spokesperson Lianne Blenheim, who explained that despite undergoing proper distillation, desalination, and purification procedures, the water from these areas carries a bit of a funky, sulfury flavor or tastes like “someone’s been soaking old pennies in it.” “We double-checked to make sure the tap water in these locations contained the proper amounts of chlorine and fluoride ...




Climatologists Say Humanity’s Best Hope Is Hurricanes Spinning In Different Directions And Canceling Each Other Out

Wed, 20 Sep 2017 06:00:00 -0500

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SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning that the planet would continue to experience progressively more destructive storms caused by climate change, a group of the nation’s leading climatologists said Wednesday that humanity’s best hope now is for hurricanes spinning in opposite directions to cancel each other out. “At this point, we believe that the last, best hope for the human race is for two hurricanes whirling in opposite directions at exactly the same speed to neutralize each other,” said National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration researcher Justin Rhee, adding that if one hurricane spinning clockwise and another spinning counterclockwise collided in the Gulf of Mexico, they could theoretically nullify each other and result in calm, clear skies. “According to our research, the mutual destruction of two mirror-image Category 5 storms with winds of 170 mph is really our only hope. Failing that, we’d have to pray that two hurricanes spinning ...




‘Rolling Stone’ Magazine Up For Sale

Tue, 19 Sep 2017 16:55:00 -0500

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Wenner Media is selling its controlling stake in Rolling Stone, saying the iconic music magazine needs new investment to keep up with the changing media landscape. What do you think?




Onion Fact Check: Trump’s Speech To The UN General Assembly

Tue, 19 Sep 2017 15:43:00 -0500

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White Loaves Matter

Tue, 19 Sep 2017 14:12:00 -0500

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Bankrupt Toys ‘R’ Us Forced To Euthanize Thousands Of Hatchimals

Tue, 19 Sep 2017 13:22:00 -0500

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WAYNE, NJ—In the wake of the struggling toy retailer’s recent bankruptcy filing, Toys ‘R’ Us announced Tuesday that the company would likely have no choice but to euthanize thousands of Hatchimals. “Unfortunately, we are no longer financially able to provide the resources and care that these Hatchimals require,” said Toys ‘R’ Us spokesman Sam Muir, adding that humanely disposing of the numerous eggs in Toys ‘R’ Us locations across the country was, sadly, an important step in addressing the company’s $5 billion debt. “Our associates will soon begin the completely painless termination process on the unborn Hatchimals, while any display Hatchimals that have already emerged from their shells will be gently put into sleep mode and never reactivated. The remains will be cremated and appropriately interred.” Muir went on to say, however, that the Hatchimals might be spared if first laying off thousands of employees proved effective ...




What Are You Guys, In Love With Glaciers?

Tue, 19 Sep 2017 11:30:00 -0500

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Oh my god, what is it with you people? It’s like you’re obsessed. It’s all you ever talk about: Wah, wah, wah, the glaciers are melting! We just can’t live without our precious glaciers! I hear it so often I’m seriously starting to wonder if maybe there isn’t something else going on here. So tell me, are you guys totally in love with glaciers, or what?

That’s it, isn’t it? You’re always going on and on about how they’re soooo beautiful and how much you would miss them if they were gone. Yeah, I think you like them. And I mean like-like them. Hey, if you care about glaciers that much, maybe you should marry them.

I bet you think about receding polar ice caps all the time, huh? Like, constantly. You can’t help yourself.

Don’t try ...




How Amazon Plans To Expand

Tue, 19 Sep 2017 11:23:00 -0500

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After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.







Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

Tue, 19 Sep 2017 11:16:00 -0500

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WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things. “We found that licking—mainly food but also plates, bowls, utensils, and fingers—accounts for almost half the physical exertion that takes place in the U.S.,” said NIH researcher Rae Kilpatrick, adding that straining with one’s tongue to retrieve the last remaining morsel or crumb from deep within snack packaging accounted for 24 percent of the exercise alone. “The data makes sense—licking provides a high-intensity, low-impact workout with a quick recovery time, allowing people to recharge and start licking something else often within seconds.” Kilpatrick went on to say that the remaining exercise performed by Americans was split almost equally between digging ...




Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 19, 2017

Tue, 19 Sep 2017 11:06:00 -0500

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Warren Sapp Donates Hall Of Fame Bust To CTE Research

Tue, 19 Sep 2017 08:35:00 -0500

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Pet Turtles Linked To Salmonella Outbreak

Tue, 19 Sep 2017 00:38:00 -0500

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A multi-state salmonella outbreak has been traced to pet turtles, whose skin often harbors the bacteria, with authorities warning against handling the animals or giving them as gifts. What do you think?




‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

Tue, 19 Sep 2017 00:00:00 -0500

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BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn. “Friendly, smart, super-sweet BAILEY,” read the poster that reportedly would not shut up about the “beloved and precious” animal that, observers noted, was nevertheless somehow allowed to slip out of the house. “Responds to her name and never, ever bites!” At press time, several sources reported seeing a dog similar to Bailey running in and out of traffic like an idiot.




The Impact Of Climate Change On Natural Disasters

Mon, 18 Sep 2017 17:01:00 -0500

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Sean Spicer Appears On Stage At Emmys

Mon, 18 Sep 2017 16:17:00 -0500

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Drawing complaints from liberal critics, Sean Spicer participated in the opening monologue of last night’s Emmy Awards, parodying his remarks on Trump’s inauguration. What do you think?




‘You Thought You Could Get Rid Of Me?’ Says Cassini Probe Emerging From Shadows To Confront Petrified NASA Administrator

Mon, 18 Sep 2017 15:08:00 -0500

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WASHINGTON—Appearing silently and without warning in the space agency’s parking garage, the Cassini probe reportedly emerged from the shadows Monday and uttered “You thought you could get rid of me?” while confronting petrified NASA administrator Robert Lightfoot, Jr. “I bet you never thought you’d see me again, did you?” said the battered and scorched space craft, which reportedly came forth suddenly from behind a support column into the stark fluorescent light to confront the trembling NASA official. “Your mistake wasn’t trying to kill me, Robert—it was not finishing me off when you had the chance.” At press time, Lightfoot was reportedly on his knees begging Cassini for his life as he felt the cold metal of a radioisotope thermoelectric generator pressed directly against his temple.