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The Onion

The Onion

Last Build Date: Sat, 22 Oct 2016 07:06:54 -0500


Pediatricians Ease Screen Time Guidelines

Fri, 21 Oct 2016 15:15:00 -0500


Amending previous guidelines that children under 2 should avoid screen time and that teens should limit screen time to an hour per day, leading pediatricians now say toddlers can use FaceTime and Skype, and teens should simply balance screen time with other activities. What do you think?

All-Business Adult In Halloween Shop Beelines It Straight For Pinhead Mask

Fri, 21 Oct 2016 14:50:00 -0500


BROOKLINE, MA—Without so much as glancing at the seasonal store’s wide selection of other Halloween-themed merchandise, all-business 34-year-old Brian Aubin reportedly strode right past several aisles of costumes and accessories Friday and beelined it straight for the Pinhead masks. “That guy wasn’t fucking around—he was there for one reason and one reason only, and that was to get himself a Pinhead mask,” said fellow customer Emily Nassif, adding that when an employee asked the grown man if he needed help finding anything else, the straight-faced Aubin simply and purposefully pointed to the latex mask made famous by the Hellraiser movies and said “Just this.” “I’m not sure he even noticed all the Scream and Freddy Krueger masks or the big barrel of plastic scythes next to him, not that he would have cared if he did. This guy knew he wanted to look like Pinhead ...

Family Hoping Mother Knows Birthday Nature Walk A One-Time Thing

Fri, 21 Oct 2016 11:56:00 -0500


OSHKOSH, WI—Moments before they set out on a two-mile wilderness trail at a nearby state park, members of the Calverton family told reporters Friday they hoped their mother, Beth, realized her birthday nature walk was a one-time-only thing. “I know Mom’s pretty excited, but if she thinks we’re going to do this sort of thing again, she’s sorely mistaken,” said Calverton’s 16-year-old son, Garrett, who explained that he, his sister, and his father had only agreed to the outing because his mother was turning 50, adding that she had better not get her hopes up and start believing this might become a regular activity. “If she wants to come back by herself and walk along the other trails, that’s up to her. She just needs to know that today is a special occasion, and after this, we’re all done as far as family ...

Where Your Political Donation Goes

Fri, 21 Oct 2016 11:56:00 -0500


With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign:

Kidnapped Journalist Forced To Explain To ISIS Captors What BuzzFeed News Is

Fri, 21 Oct 2016 11:34:00 -0500


HAWIJA, IRAQ—Responding to his captors’ demands that he divulge who he is and what he was doing in the region, kidnapped journalist Tim Cascella reportedly found himself Thursday having to explain to several ISIS militants what BuzzFeed News is. “So, it’s part of a broader digital media network, and it started out as a spinoff from our entertainment content because that made more sense from an advertising perspective, but now it’s a separate news vertical of its own—it reports on stuff like any other news site, I swear,” said a frightened Cascella, who only seemed to perplex and anger his interrogators further when, after being asked to state his background, he mentioned that he got his start writing listicles for the website before eventually moving up to report on actual real-world events. “No, I don’t have a physical copy; it’s only online. We’re ...

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

Fri, 21 Oct 2016 10:55:00 -0500


SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child. According to sources, the unspeaking, expressionless 26-year-old was never witnessed exiting her bedroom, instead seeming to materialize out of thin air on the outskirts of a conversation circle as if she were the apparition of an English nobleman’s daughter who died of typhoid in 1868 and possibly went by the name Gwendolyn or Abigail. Several unsettled witnesses reported how, at one point, Stahl was seen standing rigid and silent a dozen feet beyond the dining area table that had been set up as the bar, looking out at all the revelers with a blankness in her eyes that suggested she had ...

Tips For Training Your Dog

Fri, 21 Oct 2016 10:20:00 -0500


NFL Sees 10% Ratings Drop

Fri, 21 Oct 2016 09:18:00 -0500


NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has acknowledged the league’s drop in viewership this season, citing a lack of competitive games during primetime as a possible factor. What do you think?

Trump Holds Strategy Meeting With Campaign’s Top Militia Leaders Ahead Of Election Day

Thu, 20 Oct 2016 15:54:00 -0500


NEW YORK—Sitting down with his most heavily armed advisors to go over potential courses of action, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly held a strategy meeting with his campaign’s top militia leaders Thursday afternoon in order to map out their approach before November 8. “We’re seeing tight races in Ohio and Nevada, so that’s where we need to concentrate our resources right now,” said Ron Bishop, Trump’s national militia coordinator, who ran the candidate through the various on-the-ground preparations that were being taken by the militia heads at local field offices throughout the nation, before leading the group in a brainstorming session on scenarios they might face on Election Day. “We really need to start ramping up operations in every state during these final weeks before people head to the polls. While we’ve already built dependable networks in our key strongholds in the Deep ...

Report: Peaceful Transfer Of Power Makes Last-Minute Push To Become Most Pressing Issue Of 2016 Election

Thu, 20 Oct 2016 15:24:00 -0500


WASHINGTON—Saying the subject came “completely out of nowhere,” Americans across the country reported Thursday that they were taken aback by how the peaceful transfer of executive power in the United States was making a surprise last-minute push to become the most pressing issue of the 2016 election. “Boy, I tell you, deep-seated fear about whether we as a nation can pass authority from the current president to the incoming one without the threat of violence wasn’t even on my radar, but now all of a sudden, it’s gunning for the top spot as my main concern this election—I did not see that coming,” said Purcellville, VA resident Owen Packard, echoing the sentiments of tens of millions of Americans who admitted they were “totally unprepared” for the eleventh-hour attempt by the nation’s faith in fair elections to make a play for being their number-one worry with ...

FEC Extends Election By 7 Months To Give Nation Chance To Better Get To Know Candidates

Thu, 20 Oct 2016 13:57:00 -0500


WASHINGTON—In an effort to help voters make an informed decision at the polls, the Federal Election Commission announced Thursday it would be extending the U.S. presidential election by seven months to give Americans the opportunity to better get to know the presidential candidates. “We believe the continuation of this election by just over half a year will provide Americans with the chance to fully acquaint themselves with both the character and policy positions of Secretary Clinton and Mr. Trump,” said FEC chairman Matthew S. Petersen, who expressed confidence that the American people would benefit greatly from over 200 extra days of election coverage, rallies, press conferences, and campaign ads. “Our commission has also worked with the CPD to schedule eight more presidential debates and three more town halls, so that there will be no question that every citizen is ready to cast their ballot by the time Election ...

Third-Grader Clearly Biting Off More Than He Can Chew At Elementary School Book Fair

Thu, 20 Oct 2016 13:55:00 -0500


COLUMBUS, OH—Watching in disbelief as the youngster added another children’s novel to his quickly growing stack, sources confirmed Thursday that local third-grader Hayden Schmidt was clearly biting off more than he could chew at his elementary school book fair. “This kid is in way over his head here—there’s no way he’s going to read something as long as Charlotte’s Web,” said eyewitness Marissa Chandler, scoffing and shaking her head as she noted that the 8-year-old already had a pretty full plate after selecting Mr. Popper’s Penguins and Stuart Little. “Jesus Christ, now he’s grabbing Bridge To Terabithia! That’s way too advanced for him—he’ll never make it past the second chapter. Who does he think he is?” At press time, sources confirmed the third-grader had finally come to his senses, placing the books back on the shelves in order to ...

Trump Won’t Concede Election If He Loses

Thu, 20 Oct 2016 13:42:00 -0500


When asked by debate moderator Chris Wallace whether he would accept the election results if he is the losing candidate, Donald Trump said he would keep the American people “in suspense.” What do you think?

5 Things To Know About Jill Stein

Thu, 20 Oct 2016 13:25:00 -0500


Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Thu, 20 Oct 2016 11:45:00 -0500


Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions:

Alternative Social Media Sites

Thu, 20 Oct 2016 10:55:00 -0500


Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

Thu, 20 Oct 2016 10:53:00 -0500


MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting. “Oh man, giving answers was the one thing I didn’t prepare for—if they ask me something, I’ll be so screwed,” McKee reportedly thought to himself, his heart beginning to race faster as he imagined how he would likely freeze up or flounder around in panic if his interviewer put him on the spot with a question of any kind. “Okay, okay, calm down. All you need is for them to keep speaking for the entire 30 minutes without expecting you to respond in any way—then you should be fine. All right, here goes.” At press time, sources confirmed ...

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

Thu, 20 Oct 2016 10:36:00 -0500


As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases:

Trump Campaign Training Poll Watchers To Spot Any Suspicious Skin Colors On Election Day

Thu, 20 Oct 2016 09:59:00 -0500


HARRISBURG, PA—Instructing volunteers to remain alert and pay close attention to every individual who arrives at their voting location, the “Trump Election Observer” section of Donald Trump’s campaign website reportedly trains supporters to spot any suspicious skin colors they may see on Election Day, sources confirmed this week. “Keep an eye out for any of the skin tones appearing on the list below, none of which are allowable on November 8,” read the webpage in part, reminding volunteers that watching out for certain suspect and disreputable complexions was the only way to ensure the Republican nominee had a fair shot at winning the election. “Be on the lookout for these two shades in particular, as they have historically proven to cause significant trouble. And remember that whenever you spot a dubious-looking skin pigmentation at your polling place, immediately confront the problem head-on.” The site further stated that should ...

Highlights From The Final Presidential Debate

Thu, 20 Oct 2016 09:57:00 -0500