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New Report Finds Adult Film Star May Have Paid Over $130,000 To Cover Up Sexual Encounter with Trump

Tue, 16 Jan 2018 18:58:00 GMT

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NEW YORK—Alleging she was deeply concerned about the destructive effect the revelation could have on her reputation, a new report released Tuesday suggests that adult film star Stormy Daniels may have paid over $130,000 to cover up a sexual encounter with Donald Trump. “Newly uncovered legal documents seem to indicate…

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Google Museum App Finds Users’ Fine Art Doppelgänger

Tue, 16 Jan 2018 17:58:00 GMT

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An update to Google’s Arts and Culture app allows user to take a selfie and find a museum portrait that most closely matches their faces, a process developed using computer-vision technology. What do you think?

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Study Finds Having It All Leading Indicator That Everything Will Come Crashing Down

Tue, 16 Jan 2018 17:22:00 GMT

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BOULDER, CO—Suggesting a robust connection between success and ruin, a University of Colorado study released Tuesday found that having it all was a leading indicator that everything will come crashing down. “Our research has determined with a high level of certainty that making it to the top is the most reliable…

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 16, 2017

Tue, 16 Jan 2018 15:55:00 GMT

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Wall Wishes It Were Load Bearing

Tue, 16 Jan 2018 15:41:00 GMT

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Hawaii's False Missile Alert Caused By Employee Pressing Wrong Button

Mon, 15 Jan 2018 20:32:00 GMT

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Hawaiians were alarmed after the Emergency Management Agency accidentally sent out a message warning them of an inbound missile, which administrators say was caused by an employee selecting the wrong option in a dropdown menu for an internal test. What do you think?

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New After-School Program Aims To Keep Children Off Streets For Additional 45 Minutes

Mon, 15 Jan 2018 16:39:00 GMT

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WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide students with at least a modicum of supervision in the afternoon, the Department of Education on Monday announced a new nationwide after-school program specifically aimed at keeping children off the streets for an additional 45 minutes. “This initiative will offer a safe environment…

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The Week In Pictures – Week Of January 15, 2018

Mon, 15 Jan 2018 16:20:00 GMT

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Mom Hasn’t Said Full, Uninterrupted Sentence To Family Since 1997

Mon, 15 Jan 2018 15:55:00 GMT

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VICKSBURG, MS—Acknowledging that she hadn’t finished what she was saying in quite some time, family sources confirmed Monday that local mom Debra Garrison has not spoken a full, uninterrupted sentence to her family since 1997. According to witnesses, despite regularly contributing to conversations throughout the past…

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Opera Ends On Unexpected High Note

Mon, 15 Jan 2018 15:31:00 GMT

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Perfectly Good Dead Body Cremated

Mon, 15 Jan 2018 15:15:00 GMT

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JACKSON, MS—Squandering the fresh and largely intact remains for no apparent reason whatsoever, sources reported Monday that a perfectly good body was cremated. “It’s a shame to see a nice corpse like this go to waste,” said mortician Ron Vidal, placing into the cremation chamber what he thought, despite missing a few…

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Man Annoyed By Travel Plaza’s Abridged Pizza Hut Menu

Mon, 15 Jan 2018 15:10:00 GMT

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CRANBURY, NJ—Saying that a place had no business calling itself a Pizza Hut unless it had all the normal stuff, local motorist Ed Coleman was reportedly annoyed Wednesday to find an abridged menu after stopping at the New Jersey Turnpike’s Molly Pitcher Service Plaza. “What the fuck? I only did this exit because I…

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Miracle Paycheck Lasts For 7 Whole Days

Fri, 12 Jan 2018 15:31:00 GMT

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AMARILLO, TX—The sufficiency of its funds mysteriously defying any rational explanation, a miracle paycheck received a week ago by local woman Jennifer Callahan, 27, somehow lasted seven whole days, according to sources. “It was just one check, but every day when I went to look, there was still some money left,” a…

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Whine And Dine

Thu, 11 Jan 2018 19:53:00 GMT

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Man Completely Blindsided By Seemingly Normal Stranger Telling Him To ‘Have A Blessed Day’

Thu, 11 Jan 2018 15:34:00 GMT

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HARTFORD, CT—Startled and unsure how to respond to the wholly unexpected remark, local man Caleb Borden was reportedly blindsided Thursday when a stranger and otherwise normal-seeming person suddenly told him to “have a blessed day.” “Here I am talking to someone I think is just a typical, ordinary guy, and then he…

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Audiobook Narrator Really Going For Broke With Cajun Accent

Wed, 10 Jan 2018 16:49:00 GMT

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SACRAMENTO, CA—Caught off guard by both the volume and vigor with which the distinctive speech pattern was being rendered, sources confirmed Wednesday that the audiobook narrator of James Lee Burke’s Heaven’s Prisoners was really going for broke with his Cajun accent. “Wow, he’s not pulling any punches, is he?”…

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Mutant Hockey League Worried City Of St. Mucus Won’t Publicly Finance New Arena For Ooze

Wed, 10 Jan 2018 15:27:00 GMT

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ST. MUCUS—Expressing concern that the team might choose to relocate if a deal were not struck by the end of the offseason, Mutant Hockey League officials were reportedly pessimistic Friday that the owners of the St. Mucus Ooze would reach an agreement with the city to publicly finance a new arena.

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Just Say The Word, And We’ll Perform With Socks On Our Penises Again

Tue, 9 Jan 2018 17:00:00 GMT

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In the Peppers’ 35 years of existence, we’ve gone through a lot of changes: guitarists, hairstyles, producers, record labels—the list goes on. What can I say? It’s been a hell of a ride, but here it is, 2018, and we’re still bringing you the funk. Through the years, we’ve never for a moment forgotten all the times we…

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New Regulation Requires All Protected Species To Be Actively Looking For New Habitat In Order To Receive Funding

Tue, 9 Jan 2018 16:29:00 GMT

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WASHINGTON—In an attempt to ensure the federal benefit program is not taken advantage of, a new regulation announced Tuesday will require all organisms facing extinction to actively search for a new habitat in order to receive funding for their protection under the Endangered Species Act. “Effective immediately,…

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 9, 2018

Tue, 9 Jan 2018 16:03:00 GMT

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Study Finds Goosebumps Caused By Psychotic Weirdo Masturbating To Old Photo Of You

Mon, 8 Jan 2018 16:53:00 GMT

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CHICAGO—A groundbreaking new study published Monday in The Journal Of The American Medical Association has found that goosebumps appear on the skin when a mentally unhinged weirdo is, at that very same moment, masturbating to an old photograph of you. “After poring over the evidence, we’ve discovered that the…

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