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The Onion



The Onion



Last Build Date: Wed, 26 Jul 2017 05:20:09 -0500

 



How The GOP Can Still Repeal Obamacare

Tue, 25 Jul 2017 23:15:00 -0500

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To Live And Buy In LA

Tue, 25 Jul 2017 15:40:00 -0500

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Household Dust Might Contribute To Weight Gain

Tue, 25 Jul 2017 14:53:00 -0500

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New research suggests that chemicals in many household products, which enter the body via dust, can cause cells to store excess fat and lead to weight gain. What do you think?




Senator Struggling To Weigh Interests Of Entire Constituency Against Nothing

Tue, 25 Jul 2017 13:42:00 -0500

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WASHINGTON—As legislators gathered Tuesday for a critical vote that would go a long way toward finally repealing and replacing the Affordable Care Act, Senator Shelley Moore Capito (R-WV) was reportedly struggling to weigh the interests of her entire constituency against absolutely nothing. “Honestly, it’s a tough call—on one hand, you have opposition to the repeal from a majority of Republicans, virtually all Democrats, and the entire healthcare industry, while on the other, you have not one sound argument or credible opinion,” said Capito, admitting she was, even now, having difficulty balancing her desire to keep as many West Virginians insured as possible with there being no reason whatsoever to do otherwise. “This is an agonizing decision. Sure, there are sound justifications for voting no on ‘repeal and replace,’ but then there’s emptiness, literal emptiness, when you look for reasons to vote yes. All I know is ...







Area Man Installs Home Pull-Up Bar To Absentmindedly Tap While Passing Through Hallway

Tue, 25 Jul 2017 12:37:00 -0500

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CHARLOTTE, NC—Saying it has already become a fixture in his daily routine, local 27-year-old Greg Weise installed a home pull-up bar to absentmindedly tap while passing through the hallway, sources confirmed Tuesday. “This bar just slips right over almost any doorframe, so it’s really easy to inattentively tap it when I go in and out of my bedroom,” said Weise, who added that the bar’s padding is an excellent surface to idly drum his fingers on as he stands in the doorway. “It’s really convenient to be able to occasionally grab the bar and then lean really far forward to sort of stretch a little bit. Finally, I have something to latch onto and dangle from for a few seconds before returning to sorting my laundry.” At press time, Weise had reportedly also purchased a set of free weights to leave scattered on the ground and ...




‘Dr. Mario’ Has Given Too Many People A Warped Idea Of The Medical Profession

Tue, 25 Jul 2017 11:54:00 -0500

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As someone with decades of experience as a physician, I can assure you that whatever your diagnosis, it pays to be an informed patient. Many conditions have a wide range of treatment options, and to make the decision that’s right for you, it’s important to understand the pros and cons of each. Unfortunately, the general public has a lot of erroneous ideas about the practice of medicine, and to some extent this is due to the popularity of Dr. Mario.

Thanks to this so-called Dr. Mario, many people assume we in the medical field solve every problem we encounter by just lobbing a bunch of pills.

It has certainly distorted the expectations of the patients who walk into my office. Yes, just like Dr. Mario, I wear a white lab coat and a stethoscope, and yes, I too treat illnesses with pills, when appropriate. But the similarities stop ...




Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 25, 2017

Tue, 25 Jul 2017 10:20:00 -0500

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HBO Greenlights Alternate History Civil War Drama

Tue, 25 Jul 2017 10:00:00 -0500

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The creators of “Game Of Thrones” are developing a new drama for HBO in which the South successfully seceded and slavery still exists in the modern day. What do you think?




Documentary About Grisly Murder Inspires Dozens Of Copycat Documentaries

Tue, 25 Jul 2017 09:40:00 -0500

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NEW YORK—Saying the ghastly imitations were sadly not entirely surprising, sources told reporters Tuesday that a widely viewed documentary about a brutal murder had inspired a string of numerous copycat documentaries. “It’s a phenomenon we unfortunately observe from time to time: producers see that a certain true-crime doc is getting attention and then try to replicate it in hopes they’ll get some of the spotlight too,” said critic Lauren Frye, noting that the many copycats of The Life And Death Of Ashley Dutcher all feature hallmarks of the original, including a small town, a murdered teenage girl, speculations about mishandled evidence, and home videos of the suspected killer as a child. “It’s absolutely sickening. We in the media have a responsibility to stop sensationalizing these derivative works with our coverage, because that’s exactly what the horrifying people who make them crave. The best thing we ...




‘Back To Dock’ Voted Most Popular Destination Among Current Rowboat Passengers

Tue, 25 Jul 2017 09:32:00 -0500

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WINTER PARK, FL—Coming in first by a significant margin, “back to dock” was voted the most popular destination among passengers currently on a rowboat, according to a poll released by Boating Magazine on Tuesday. “Far surpassing other options such as ‘a little farther out’ or ‘over there in the sun,’ ‘back to dock’ was the overwhelming choice among the thousands of rowboat passengers we surveyed,” said editor-in-chief Kevin Falvey, explaining that it was popular not only among people who were tired after having rowed for a while but also those who had not been working the oars themselves and simply decided they were ready for lunch. “‘Back to dock’ was also surprisingly prevalent among many who had left the dock just minutes earlier, citing reasons such as the heat, mosquitoes, seasickness, and not really having wanted to be on a rowboat in the first place.” A related poll reportedly ...




5 Things To Know About Sarah Huckabee Sanders

Mon, 24 Jul 2017 21:15:00 -0500

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Area Stingray Dreaming Of Making It To Tropicana Field Touch Tank

Mon, 24 Jul 2017 13:36:00 -0500

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TAMPA BAY, FL—Calling the 10,000-gallon habitat hallowed ground, a local stingray told reporters Monday that he dreams of one day making it to the Tropicana Field touch tank. “Ever since I was a pup, I’ve always imagined what it would be like to earn a spot in that 35-foot tank just beyond right-center field,” said the adolescent cownose ray, adding that he would like nothing more than to one day hear the roar of the crowd from behind the glass as he flips his tail and burrows into the sand. “It’d be such a thrill to finally rub my flaps along the tank wall as I circle around waiting for my meal. There’s not a day that goes by when I’m not working toward finally swimming through that tank while fans run their hands along my back.” The stingray then added that making it ...




Salvador Dali Exhumed To Settle Paternity Suit

Mon, 24 Jul 2017 13:29:00 -0500

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The remains of surrealist painter Salvador Dali were exhumed by officials to settle a suit from a 61-year-old tarot card reader claiming to be the artist’s daughter. What do you think?




Kushner: ‘I Did Not Collude, But I Pretty Much Have To Say That, Right?’

Mon, 24 Jul 2017 13:03:00 -0500

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WASHINGTON—Telling the Senate Intelligence Committee that he had no choice because saying anything else would be incredibly stupid, Senior Advisor to the President Jared Kushner testified Monday that he did not collude with Russia during the campaign, but pretty much had to say that. “I did not in any way conspire or collaborate with any foreign government, but even if I did, I wouldn’t tell you because I would likely go to jail,” said Kushner, adding that if he had to choose between lying to a panel of legislators—plenty of whom were happy to take his excuses at face value—or openly admitting to being a criminal, he’d lie every single time. “At this point, with no real pressure to admit I committed a felony or participated in any illegal activity whatsoever, I suppose I’ll just keep saying I did nothing wrong. Honestly, the only ...




Dance Cage Recidivism Rates At All-Time High Within American Club Scene

Mon, 24 Jul 2017 12:29:00 -0500

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LOS ANGELES—Surpassing levels not seen since the mid-1980s, a new report published Monday by UCLA found that dance cage recidivism is at an all-time high within America’s club scene. “We’re seeing more and more people leave the cage only to find themselves right back inside not even a weekend later, gyrating once again in a seemingly inescapable cycle,” said the study’s lead author, Dr. Abby Meehan, adding that she had met dancers who had been in and out of cages so many times, they actually preferred moving their bodies behind bars than out on the floor with the general party population. “Unfortunately for many, it’s the only nightlife they know. And the sad thing is that the club system is designed to keep them in there for as many extended remixes as possible, often in cramped conditions with barely any room to grind or shake ...




Shark Week Programming Preview

Mon, 24 Jul 2017 10:49:00 -0500

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Every summer, Discovery Channel devotes an entire slate of programming to Shark Week. Here’s a sneak peek of what’s coming up.




Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

Mon, 24 Jul 2017 09:23:00 -0500

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BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation. “We will be able to use this considerable bequest of particles for a multitude of projects that would not have been possible otherwise,” said Fermilab director Nigel Lockyer, explaining that the donor did not wish to be named and stipulated only that each of the particles be used in order to further scientific research. “Donations such as this are crucial for us. Particles are never easy to come by, and with the cuts to our federal support currently under consideration, we’re going to need all the particles we can get.” Lockyer went on to say that Fermilab always accepted particle donations of any size, from the smallest quarks and neutrinos to entire atoms.




Food Network Production Assistants Prep Guy Fieri With Dry Rub

Mon, 24 Jul 2017 09:22:00 -0500

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FDA Set To Approve Gene-Altering Cancer Treatment

Mon, 24 Jul 2017 09:21:00 -0500

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The FDA is expected to approve a new leukemia treatment that alters a patient’s cells to target cancer cells, with the hope it can someday fight other types of cancer, too. What do you think?