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The Onion



The Onion



Last Build Date: Sat, 03 Dec 2016 09:46:10 -0600

 



‘Rocky’ Turns 40

Fri, 02 Dec 2016 14:27:00 -0600

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Rocky, the iconic sleeper hit about a working-class boxer who takes on the reigning heavyweight champion, debuted on this weekend in 1976, eventually grossing $225 million and spawning six sequels. What do you think?




Penn State Staff Unsure What To Do With Breathtakingly Innovative Defensive Playbooks Jerry Sandusky Keeps Sending Them

Fri, 02 Dec 2016 14:01:00 -0600

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STATE COLLEGE, PA—Members of the Penn State football coaching staff revealed to reporters Friday that they have no idea what to do with the unbelievably innovative defensive playbooks former defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky continues to send them on a regular basis.

Sandusky, who is currently serving a 30-to-60-year prison sentence after being found guilty of sexually abusing young boys over the span of decades while coaching at Penn State, has reportedly mailed the Nittany Lions an extensive library of defensive schemes, formations, and plays that the team’s current coaches reluctantly admitted are “absolutely groundbreaking” and “virtually unstoppable.”

“We started getting these envelopes from Jerry Sandusky in the mail a few years ago, and we just discarded them at first,” said Penn State head coach James Franklin, adding that no one within the program or university had reached out to or otherwise been in contact with Sandusky to solicit ...




5 Things To Know About James Mattis

Fri, 02 Dec 2016 13:17:00 -0600

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Reason Man Turning To Religion Later In Life Must Be Horrifying

Fri, 02 Dec 2016 12:59:00 -0600

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STROUDSBURG, PA—Saying the middle-aged man had adopted a devout life of piety seemingly out of nowhere, acquaintances of local resident Paul D’Amato reported Friday that the reason he was turning to religion later in life must be completely horrifying. “He just started going to church for the very first time a couple months ago even though he’s 49 years old, and now he wears a cross and everything—boy, you’ve got to think it was something pretty terrible that made him religious at this point,” said coworker Jessica Redmond, who explained that because D’Amato was all of a sudden attending multiple services per week and now often peppers his conversations with mentions of the light that Jesus provides to his life, the cause of his religious awakening was almost certainly “really, really bad.” “The guy’s nearly 50, and now he finds God right out ...







Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

Fri, 02 Dec 2016 11:58:00 -0600

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With titles such as FIFA 17 and NBA 2K17 expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.




What Smoking A Cigarette Does To The Body

Fri, 02 Dec 2016 09:54:00 -0600

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Ruth Bader Ginsburg Debating Whether To Cancel Winter Vacation Climbing K2

Fri, 02 Dec 2016 09:40:00 -0600

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WASHINGTON—Admitting that it might be nice to just relax and take it easy over the next several weeks, Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, 83, was reportedly debating Friday whether to cancel her upcoming winter vacation plans to scale the world’s second-highest mountain, K2. “Maybe it’s wiser not to go, since the weather is supposed to be pretty bad up there this time of the year—although I have always wanted to summit K2 without any supplemental oxygen, and these upcoming weeks seem like the perfect occasion,” said the liberal-leaning 23-year veteran of the nation’s highest court, who later added that she might just take a slightly less strenuous route than the notoriously difficult South Face for her ascent of the 28,251-foot peak instead. “If I still want to do something in the mountains, I could always go heli-skiing up in the Monashees. Though getting ...




How To Stay Politically Active After The Election

Fri, 02 Dec 2016 09:23:00 -0600

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The election results have left many people with the urge to stay politically engaged and keep fighting for change. Here are some ways to make a difference whether your chosen candidate won or lost:




Reddit Cracks Down On ‘Toxic’ Users

Fri, 02 Dec 2016 09:11:00 -0600

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Reddit co-founder Steve Huffman has announced a new push to crack down on the site’s “most troublesome users,” banning pages where moderators are abused by trolls. What do you think?




5 Things To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Thu, 01 Dec 2016 17:12:00 -0600

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PTSD Treated With Ecstasy

Thu, 01 Dec 2016 15:21:00 -0600

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A new treatment for soldiers suffering PTSD combines pure ecstasy with psychotherapy, a regimen that has seen overwhelmingly positive results and one that could be approved for widespread use by 2021. What do you think?




Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

Thu, 01 Dec 2016 14:38:00 -0600

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President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.




Mom Wants One Of Those Things Your Sister Has For Christmas

Thu, 01 Dec 2016 12:31:00 -0600

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​CHICAGO—Noting that your sibling always mentions that she really likes hers and uses it all the time, your mother confirmed Thursday that she wants one of those things your sister has for Christmas. “Oh, I don’t need much—you could just get me that thing your sister got a while back,” said Mom, adding that she thinks you can buy them from Target, but if you can’t find them there, they’ll probably have them at the mall or maybe on the internet. “Just tell your sister it’s the thing she showed me when we came over for dinner. I said I thought it was neat. She’ll know what you’re talking about.” At press time, Mom added that if the thing was unavailable, a gift certificate for that one place you went to once would also be nice.




Facebook User Verifies Truth Of Article By Carefully Checking It Against Own Preconceived Opinions

Thu, 01 Dec 2016 10:04:00 -0600

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CLARKSVILLE, TN—Explaining that people need to be critical of the news stories that circulate on social media these days, area Facebook user James Wheatley, 44, reportedly took the time to verify the truth of an article he came across Thursday by carefully checking it against the opinions he already holds. “You can’t just accept everything you see online, which is why I always take a closer look at the claims that are made in every article and make sure that each one of them is backed up by my existing assumptions and personal feelings about the world,” said Wheatley, who told reporters he had to correct several friends on Facebook earlier this week after an investigation of his beliefs and individual political perspectives proved the articles they had posted to be entirely false. “There are all kinds of bogus news stories out there, so it’s important to ...




Tips For Reducing Your Screen Time

Thu, 01 Dec 2016 06:00:00 -0600

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Religion Triggers Brain’s Reward Centers

Thu, 01 Dec 2016 05:00:00 -0600

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A recent study conducted MRI scans on devout Mormons as they prayed and found that religious thoughts activated the same reward centers in the brain as things like love, music, and even drugs. What do you think?




Study: Tennis Leads To Longer Life

Wed, 30 Nov 2016 13:41:00 -0600

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A decade-long study tracking adults’ fitness habits found that those who played racket sports like tennis, badminton, or squash were 47 percent less likely to die during the study. What do you think?




Dinner Party Conducting Full-Scale Investigation To Determine If Tip Was Included

Wed, 30 Nov 2016 12:38:00 -0600

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SAN DIEGO—Carefully examining the bill for any fragment of conclusive evidence, a local dinner party at Mitch’s Seafood restaurant conducted a full-scale investigation Tuesday night to determine if the tip was included in the check. “It feels like it’s already part of the total, right?” said principal investigator Victor Rodriguez, attempting to decipher the cryptic item codes at the bottom of the receipt before passing the document around to several of his fellow detectives for further review, one of whom ran a rough quantitative analysis by adding up the cost of all the items in his head and comparing that to the amount they were charged. “Did anyone see anything about the gratuity policy on the menu? Don’t they always add it when there’s more than six people? Or does it have to be eight?” After successfully closing the case, the team then conducted another ...




Obama Finally Fulfills Campaign Promise To Spend One Night In Abandoned Amusement Park

Wed, 30 Nov 2016 09:48:00 -0600

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CEDAR PLAINS, PA—After years of delays and mounting criticism from voters and political pundits, President Barack Obama finally followed through on a campaign promise he made in 2008 to spend one night alone in the abandoned Cedar Plains Family Fun amusement park, sources confirmed Wednesday.

At approximately 6 p.m. last night, members of the press reportedly looked on as Obama—carrying only a flashlight, a water bottle, and a backpack full of snacks—scaled the 9-foot-high chain-link fence and entered the derelict theme park, making good on a vow that had been a central component of his initial run for the White House.

“Eight years ago, I made an oath that if I were elected president, I would spend dusk till dawn in this old, run-down amusement park, and tonight I am fulfilling my obligation to the American people,” said Obama, who had been widely accused of favoring ...