Subscribe: The Onion
http://feeds.theonion.com/theonion/daily
Added By: Feedage Forager Feedage Grade B rated
Language: English
Tags:
dinner party  hillary clinton  kobe bryant  kobe  life  man  new  parents  sources reported  sources  time  work  year  “i   
Rate this Feed
Rate this feedRate this feedRate this feedRate this feedRate this feed
Rate this feed 1 starRate this feed 2 starRate this feed 3 starRate this feed 4 starRate this feed 5 star

Comments (0)

Feed Details and Statistics Feed Statistics
Preview: The Onion

The Onion



America's Finest News Source



Published: Fri, 15 Apr 2016 16:26:22 GMT

Last Build Date: Fri, 15 Apr 2016 16:26:22 GMT

 



Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

Fri, 15 Apr 2016 16:11:00 GMT

(image)

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked. “Wow, she’s got Joyce from work, Cheri, Dana from yoga, Carol, Carol’s new husband—that’s all of the A-listers, together under one roof,” said Dreeshen’s daughter Michelle, wondering aloud how her mother managed to nail down such a jam-packed murderers’ row of neighborhood all-stars. “Jesus, she even managed to pull Dr. Fuller and the Jacobsons. Top to bottom, it’s just loaded. There’s not a single weak spot in the entire guest list.” Sources reported that such an imposing, big-name lineup would “absolutely crush” the likely dinner party topics of the Wannemakers’ new deck and Carol’s upcoming trip to Italy with her son ...




(image)

(image)

(image)

(image)
(image) (image) (image) (image) (image)



Explosions: The Loud Killer

Fri, 15 Apr 2016 15:02:00 GMT

(image)


(image)

(image)

(image)

(image)
(image) (image) (image) (image) (image)



Universe Feels Zero Connection To Guy Tripping On Mushrooms

Fri, 15 Apr 2016 14:52:00 GMT

(image)

EUGENE, OR—Noting that it had yet to experience any sort of oneness with the 22-year-old, the universe confirmed Friday that it felt absolutely zero connection to a local man currently tripping on hallucinogenic mushrooms. “As far as I can tell, all the boundaries between myself and this guy remain completely intact, so I certainly wouldn’t say that he and I have become one with each other at all,” said the collection of all space and matter, which added that, if anything, it was feeling further removed from the man after he ate two grams of psilocybin mushrooms and spent the ensuing three hours just sitting on his basement couch, during which time he effectively did nothing to interact with the world or universe more broadly. “Frankly, I feel like he and I are as separate and unconnected as we’ve always been. Sure, he seems like a decent ...




(image)

(image)

(image)

(image)
(image) (image) (image) (image) (image)



Tiger Population Increases For First Time In 100 Years

Fri, 15 Apr 2016 14:43:00 GMT

(image)

The global wild tiger census has reached 3,890, the first increase in population in over 100 years and significantly higher than the last survey’s all-time low in 2010. What do you think?




(image)

(image)

(image)

(image)
(image) (image) (image) (image) (image)



Bernie Sanders Asks Anyone Who’s Serious About Breaking Up Big Banks To Meet Him On Corner Of Canal And Bowery At Midnight

Fri, 15 Apr 2016 00:53:00 GMT

(image)

NEW YORK—Inviting all those truly committed to economic equality, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders announced during Thursday night’s Democratic debate that anyone who’s serious about breaking up big banks should meet him on the corner of Canal and Bowery at midnight. “Show up at the base of the Manhattan Bridge at exactly midnight tonight if you really want to break apart the financial institutions and hold Wall Street banks accountable,” said the Vermont senator, adding that everyday Americans can help prevent financial firms from endangering the economic and political process in the U.S. by arriving dressed in dark clothing and taking every precaution to ensure they are not being followed. “Bring a flashlight and come alone. When the clock strikes 12, we bring economic justice to the American people.” At press time, Hillary Clinton had interrupted Sanders to announce that she would be there.




(image)

(image)

(image)

(image)
(image) (image) (image) (image) (image)



Hillary Clinton Clearly Tailoring Debate Answers To Unclaimed New York Superdelegate

Fri, 15 Apr 2016 00:52:00 GMT

(image)

NEW YORK—Repeatedly emphasizing how her proposed policies would benefit middle-aged fathers of three who work in the public sector, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton appeared to be tailoring each of her answers during Thursday night’s primary debate to a single unclaimed New York superdelegate, sources reported. “As your next president, I promise to make America work for all of us—not just the billionaires, but also middle-class families working to pay off a 30-year mortgage on a postwar duplex in Queens,” said Clinton, adding that, now more than ever, the federal government needed to reduce the burden of student debt on those who had just taken their firstborn daughter on a tour of several colleges upstate. “In addition to reinvesting in our country’s infrastructure—including that section of the Lexington Avenue line that gets so congested on the way to work every morning—I vow to strengthen ...




(image)

(image)

(image)

(image)
(image) (image) (image) (image) (image)






Octopus Escapes New Zealand Aquarium

Thu, 14 Apr 2016 19:51:00 GMT

(image)

Inky the Octopus is believed to have escaped the national aquarium of New Zealand by opening the lid of his tank, slithering across the floor, then squeezing through a 5-inch-wide drainage pipe and out to sea. What do you think?




(image)

(image)

(image)

(image)
(image) (image) (image) (image) (image)



Passersby Stop To Stare At Man Leading Sad Life Through Open Apartment Window

Thu, 14 Apr 2016 17:21:00 GMT

(image)

CINCINNATI—Saying they could not stop staring despite the highly private nature of the scene that was unfolding, numerous passersby reportedly paused dead in their tracks Wednesday night upon catching sight of a man leading an incredibly sad life who was clearly visible through his unobstructed apartment window.

Witnesses said they started gathering on the sidewalk outside his apartment building at approximately 6:30 p.m. after noticing that the lethargic, disheveled man, who appeared to be in his mid-30s and was clad only in a ripped T-shirt and unwashed shorts, had left his curtains open and his lights on, putting his pathetic existence inside his dingy one-room studio in plain view for all to see.

“Boy, you can see absolutely everything,” said 38-year-old Andrea Arnold, who was walking to meet a friend for dinner when she glimpsed the man playing video games alone in his barely furnished, bare-walled apartment ...




(image)

(image)

(image)

(image)
(image) (image) (image) (image) (image)



World’s Marine Life On Edge Now That SeaWorld Moving On From Orcas

Thu, 14 Apr 2016 17:14:00 GMT

(image)

PACIFIC OCEAN—Following the theme park’s pledge to phase out exhibits featuring the whale species and discontinue breeding them in captivity altogether, the world’s marine life told sources Thursday they were completely on edge now that SeaWorld is moving on from orcas. “At first, I was happy to hear the news about the orcas, but then it dawned on me that SeaWorld would probably try to find a replacement and I just started to freak out,” said an anxious and visibly trembling black marlin, who explained how a feeling of tense unease had spread among the manatees, sharks, octopuses, and other larger species of the ocean ecosystem that any one of them might be rounded up at any moment, transported to a small, featureless tank, and forced to perform a choreographed series of tricks up to a dozen times a day for crowds of onlookers. “The other whales ...




(image)

(image)

(image)

(image)
(image) (image) (image) (image) (image)



How To Talk To Your Teen About Depression

Thu, 14 Apr 2016 17:02:00 GMT

(image)

Nearly one in five teens experiences depression, but parents can find it difficult to broach the subject. Here are The Onion’s tips for talking to your teen about depression:

  • Begin your conversation with something as simple as an observation, such as “I’ve noticed you have everything a person needs to be happy.”
  • Your teen will appreciate your honesty and transparency. Let them know you really can’t handle another stress like this on top of everything else.
  • Whatever you do, don’t start the conversation by totally freaking out over the bag of Lexapro you found in their sock drawer.
  • Seek common ground. Your teen might be surprised to learn that even lame old Dad finds life inherently meaningless!
  • Try not to scare them away from opening up by reacting with overblown emotional responses, like telling them you love them.
  • Let them know that you can relate to ...



(image)

(image)

(image)

(image)
(image) (image) (image) (image) (image)






Zip Code Could Point To Life Expectancy

Thu, 14 Apr 2016 14:48:00 GMT

(image)

A recent study investigated income and mortality rates and found a nearly 15-year difference in life expectancy between the wealthiest and poorest Americans, with the longevity of those in poverty strongly correlated to what zip code they lived in. What do you think?




(image)

(image)

(image)

(image)
(image) (image) (image) (image) (image)



Hotel Lobby Treated To Entirety Of Child’s Song Catalogue During Check-In Process

Thu, 14 Apr 2016 14:42:00 GMT

(image)

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL—According to guests lined up at the front desk and seated at the nearby hotel bar, the entire Marriott Courtyard lobby was treated to every song in 4-year-old Emma Freeland’s catalogue Wednesday while her parents checked into their room. “I thought she might just sing us ‘The Itsy-Bitsy Spider,’ but no—she segued right into ‘Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star,’ and then launched into an energetic choreographed rendition of ‘I’m A Little Teapot,’” said business traveler Sean Erskine, explaining how the complimentary show then continued with an extended four-minute rendition of “The Wheels On The Bus” as Freeland’s parents negotiated for an oceanfront room with a pull-out bed. “I figured the half-sung, half-hummed version of ‘He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands’ was the grand finale, but after a brief intermission to hide between her mother’s legs, she came back with an ...




(image)

(image)

(image)

(image)
(image) (image) (image) (image) (image)






Lakers Players Curious What It Must Be Like To Be Inspired By Kobe Bryant

Thu, 14 Apr 2016 01:52:00 GMT

(image)

LOS ANGELES—Amid a massive outpouring of acclaim from fans, fellow athletes, and media members ahead of his retirement, players on the Los Angeles Lakers admitted to reporters Thursday that they are kind of curious what it must be like to be inspired by Kobe Bryant. “I keep hearing all these players on other teams and athletes from other sports talk about how much they were motivated by Kobe’s work ethic and competitive drive, so I can’t help but wonder what that would feel like,” said Lakers power forward Brandon Bass, adding that he has trouble even imagining Bryant as someone who he looks up to and tries to replicate. “I mean, Kobe is clearly helping people push themselves to be better and strive to achieve great things—it’s just kind of hard to wrap my head around that one.” Many Lakers players noted, however, that they ...




(image)

(image)

(image)

(image)
(image) (image) (image) (image) (image)



Man Ready To Believe Any Statistic About How Good Warriors Were This Season

Thu, 14 Apr 2016 01:44:00 GMT

(image)

HAMPTON, VA—Explaining that the team’s regular-season dominance made him unlikely to question any accomplishment attributed to them, local 29-year-old Jared Dwyer told reporters Thursday that he is ready to believe absolutely any statistic about how good the Golden State Warriors were this year. “At this point, you could tell me that the Warriors shot over 70 percent from three as a team, or that they outscored opponents in the second half by an average of 40 points, and I’d just take it at face value,” said Dwyer, who added that he would not question any unprecedented or otherwise seemingly impossible offensive statistics about the Warriors that he sees on an ESPN graphic or reads on a random Twitter account. “I honestly wouldn’t bat an eye at a stat that said Steph Curry hasn’t missed a three from inside 25 feet since November, or that Draymond ...




(image)

(image)

(image)

(image)
(image) (image) (image) (image) (image)



‘Textalyzer’ To Measure Distracted Driving

Wed, 13 Apr 2016 20:36:00 GMT

(image)

New York police could soon be equipped with “Textalyzers,” devices that scan drivers’ phones to detect whether they were texting, and thus driving with distraction, in the moments leading up to an auto accident. What do you think?




(image)

(image)

(image)

(image)
(image) (image) (image) (image) (image)



Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

Wed, 13 Apr 2016 19:44:00 GMT

(image)

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported. “He brought his family through in the middle of the afternoon, and, right in front of everyone, he said, ‘This is the desk where I work,’” communications manager Laura Dao said of the cavalier 15-hour-a-week employee who started two months ago and is sent home early most days due to a lack of tasks to complete. “And then, once he’d walked his parents around the entire floor, he went up to [senior director] Mary [Fullman] and introduced his parents to her directly. I think he even called her ‘a good boss.’” Sources later confirmed seeing the teenager who earns a $350 monthly stipend taking ...




(image)

(image)

(image)

(image)
(image) (image) (image) (image) (image)



ExxonMobil CEO Relieved It Finally Too Late To Do Anything About Climate Change

Wed, 13 Apr 2016 14:55:00 GMT

(image)

IRVING, TX—Saying the multinational oil and gas conglomerate had “really dodged a bullet,” ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson told reporters Wednesday how relieved he was now that it was finally too late to do anything about climate change.

The 64-year-old petroleum executive, who acknowledged that throughout his career he had feared the public might take action to curb rising temperatures by imposing emissions restrictions or mandating a switch to alternative energy, said he was just happy that the window for avoiding the planet’s environmental destruction had closed, and that the entire industry was now free to carry on as usual.

“I was really worried for a while there that some kind of law would be passed to stop us from releasing all those hydrocarbons into the atmosphere, but I guess not,” said Tillerson, describing how he felt as if a tremendous weight had been lifted from his shoulders now ...




(image)

(image)

(image)

(image)
(image) (image) (image) (image) (image)