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Merlin's Lists of Five Things

Last Build Date: Sat, 03 Dec 2016 07:43:11 +0000


Five Musicians to Whom I’ve Drunkenly Introduced Myself

Sat, 03 Dec 2016 07:43:11 +0000

John Doe (X) Carl Newman (New Pornographers) Sharky Laguana (Creeper Lagoon) Lois Maffeo (Lois) Brent Nelson (Built to Spill)

Five things we should clear up

Fri, 03 Jul 2015 03:56:41 +0000

A car should not have to “honk” when you lock it Farts should be acknowledged, if not celebrated Mr. Obama is not actually reading your Twitter Your hair looked better before No one likes your Harley

Five extremely minor characters

Fri, 03 Jul 2015 03:56:40 +0000

the affectless engineer in the recording booth when Davy Jones sang on The Brady Bunch the waiter who takes Fredo’s banana daiquiri order in The Godfather II the G.I. in the next stall in Slaughterhouse-Five the pomaded guy playing drums … Continue reading

Five terrible fake X-Men franchises

Fri, 03 Jul 2015 03:56:40 +0000

Dazzler’s Irrational X-Uberance 50 Shades of Jean Grey Astonishing X-Actuaries Professor Sartre and the All-New X-Istentialists Uncanny X-Girlfriends

Five things that rarely indicate the beginning of a world-class blog comment

Fri, 03 Jul 2015 03:56:40 +0000

“Is it just me or…” “I used to really like this site, but…” “Am I missing something here or…” “LMAO…” “So:”

Five names that sound like they have too many syllables

Fri, 03 Jul 2015 03:56:40 +0000

Roger Federer McLean Stevenson Boutros Boutros-Ghali Renée Zellweger Thurl Ravenscroft

Five superpowers I promise would use only for good

Fri, 03 Jul 2015 03:56:40 +0000

giant rubberband johnson bottle opener eyes Black BMW-disintegrating laser hands Ultimate Walgreens Nullifier flawless Stratego telepathy

Five cool baby names based on U.S. presidents

Fri, 03 Jul 2015 03:56:40 +0000

Hardington Coolidge Milhous Li’l Smokin’ Wheelchair Dude Hoover-Marie

Five Obvious Raymond Carver Jokes

Mon, 30 May 2011 17:50:45 +0000

Where I’m Calling For a Cab From Will You Please Be Quiet, Please, My Head is POUNDING, Please? Call If You Need Me to Bring Ice Tell the Women We’re Going on a Beer Run What We Talk About When … Continue reading

Five reasons 5ives was down for two years

Wed, 09 Mar 2011 22:22:47 +0000

Rubberbands holding WordPress together broke. Again. Chronic katalogosophobia Deliciously addictive Sex in the City Box Set Painful condition involving corns or something I’m a complete idiot

Five terrible fake panics obsessing parents of teens

Wed, 09 Mar 2011 22:21:47 +0000

Raging Boner Quoits Fanta ‘n Meth Slammerz Locker Room Orthodonture Ear Jobs Bukkake Arby’s

Five controversial ontologies

Wed, 09 Mar 2011 22:18:47 +0000

We actually exist in a snow globe ruled by the autistic kid from St. Elsewhere The Universe, like sexual intercourse, was created by The Beatles in the Autumn of 1962 The Creator’s machinations are always subject to even more all-powerful … Continue reading

Five cutting-edge greeting cards

Wed, 09 Mar 2011 22:18:47 +0000

Mazel Tov on That Reversed Vasectomy! Third Divorce is a Charm, Mom! Your New Boobs Look Large and Super-Hard! Condolences on Your Poorly-Thought-Out Home-Based Business! I’m Minding Your Halitosis Less!

Five guitarists who can rock the three-note solo

Wed, 09 Mar 2011 22:18:47 +0000

Lindsey Buckingham (Fleetwood Mac) The Edge (U2) Neil Young Paul Reynolds (A Flock of Seagulls) My friend, Mike

Five nice perks of becoming an OT-VII

Wed, 09 Mar 2011 22:18:47 +0000

warranty automatically extended 90 days on all E-meters™ tone level over 20 entitles you to free iced tea refills at the Celebrity Centre© Xenu personally emails your kid on her birthday complimentary Look Who’s Talking tote bag, Risky Business satin … Continue reading

Five popular remodeling projects in Northern California

Wed, 09 Mar 2011 22:10:47 +0000

shaving porch koi barn crying trellis grudging fellatio pantry remodeling room

Five things the lady standing outside the window at the Today Show, holding a cardboard sign with a picture of a kitten she cut out of Parade Magazine, is thinking about right now

Sun, 12 Apr 2009 21:24:26 +0000

  1. "I hope Mr. Phineas T. Snugglewhiskers doesn't hog all the treats from The Princess Party Triplets and Li'l Cap'n Funnynose."
  2. "I'll bet the cats other people here think about aren't as precious as mine and can't even tell when the mailman is secretly waiting for the best time to take all of us out to Applebee's in his mail truck for a big skillet dinner and a Fanta."
  3. "My feet hurt."
  4. "I wonder if my feet hurt because I have diabetes. Jesus, I hope Pickles McPicklepickle No. 3 and Kitti Katfenstahl don't eat my toes tonight."
  5. "Felicia Butterfly Oliver Sacks Von Precioushugs better not be recording over my stories; she's not that gee-dee precious."
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Five menu items at Silver Spoon Thai that could also be the name of an unsuccessful sex worker

Sun, 12 Apr 2009 21:09:33 +0000

  1. Jasmine Rice
  2. Ginger Snapper
  3. Rainbow Salad
  4. Volcano Prawns
  5. Pumpkin Curry
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Five terrible fake Mitch Albom books

Sun, 12 Apr 2009 21:09:03 +0000

  1. Mondays with Whiskey
  2. The Five People You Meet in Line at Arby's
  3. Saturday with Morrie's Roommate...It's...Like...Oh...You Know...Like... "Sal," or "Sid," or Something Kind of Jew-y
  4. Wednesdays When That One Nurse with the Rack Washes Morrie Real Slow Like
  5. Something Something Inspiration Old Person Just Call It Whatever But Just Definitely Change This Shit, Okay? --ma
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Five excellent fake names I’ve never found a place to use

Sun, 12 Apr 2009 21:08:02 +0000

  1. Kel Domage
  2. Rosco Green
  3. Skip Intro
  4. Fanny B. Tender
  5. Romana Clay
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Five inanimate objects that frequently seem annoyed with me

Sun, 12 Apr 2009 21:07:19 +0000

  1. Nüvi GPS navigator
  2. Windows Media Player
  3. pineapples
  4. all sports equipment
  5. the Taco Bell lady
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Five terrible fake Jane Austen novels

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 13:55:13 +0000

  1. Rash and Rationality
  2. Punk and Punctuality
  3. Beast and Bestiality
  4. Funk and Functionality
  5. Fried and Credulous
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Five rejected names for Austin BBQ restaurants

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 13:54:47 +0000

  1. The Saltiest Joint
  2. Suck the Bone
  3. Unexpectedly Covered in Sauce
  4. Bar-B-Q*bert
  5. Texas Pete's Rootin', Tootin' Pulled Pork 'n' Fellatio Funfactory
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Five records I wish I could have sung backup on

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 13:52:57 +0000

  1. "You Didn't Have to Be So Nice" by The Lovin' Spoonful
  2. "Wall of Death" by Richard & Linda Thompson
  3. "Rocks Off" by The Rolling Stones
  4. anything by Neil Young & Crazy Horse
  5. "The Village Green Preservation Society" by The Kinks
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Five occupations whose uniform I think I’d enjoy wearing

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 13:52:17 +0000

  1. barber
  2. MUNI driver
  3. flight attendant
  4. kung-fu master
  5. deceased fried chicken entrepreneur
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Five things that should be issued to every American on his or her 14th birthday

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 17:52:46 +0000

  1. condoms (and instruction on how and when to use/not use them)
  2. The Elements of Style by Strunk and White
  3. phone number of a super-cool, non-panicky adult (who will get you out of the jams your parents must never learn of)
  4. Surfer Rosa by Pixies
  5. iPod on which to listen to Surfer Rosa at painfully loud volume
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Five unusual Top Chef production crew titles

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 16:26:50 +0000

  1. Fauxhawk Sharpener
  2. Timpani Dramaticizer
  3. Molecular Gastronomy Re-explainer
  4. Foam Consultant
  5. Clog Wrangler
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Five poetic phrases culled from Joe McConnell’s Bay Area radio traffic report

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 16:26:00 +0000

  1. slow in pockets
  2. jackknifed big rig
  3. backed-up to the maze
  4. Friday-light
  5. goat on the shoulder
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Five rejected titles for the latest Coldplay record

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 16:24:12 +0000

  1. ¿Perry Cómo Estás?
  2. Que Syrah Syrah
  3. Bicycletarse
  4. Chili Art Carney
  5. No Hablamos Español
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Five rejected names for a single-serving meal product

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:24:48 +0000

  1. Quiet Evenings
  2. Me & the Kitties
  3. Lonesome Bites
  4. Monomunches
  5. Singles...for Life!
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