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Chatter from the edge of the petals



Updated: 2018-03-06T07:14:28.543-05:00

 



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2012-03-29T21:58:32.570-04:00

very thankful for today:

healthy, happy, thoughtful, spirited, compassionate little boy, who knows right from wrong and almost always chooses the right, is respectful and excited about the smallest things in life.
sweet, round, happy, easy going baby girl who loves to snuggle and play, observe and listen, imitate and also be herself.
getting-more-organized-every-day home.
friends who become my family-away-from-family.
my real family.
ability to see when someone needs help and the strength, despite everything, to offer it.
vacation in less than a month and the ability/freedom to have one at all.
breathing room and its community, its lessons, its showing me that a dream can be a real thing.
clean laundry, good wine, new book with amazing writer, soft shoes, firewood, new shampoo and

cozy bed.



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2012-03-27T15:21:58.989-04:00

baby marin, little muffin, little love, little, mew-in, little meatball, sweet baby... and all the other names you're called in our house,

what a sweet baby you have become.  i'm only being honest, but the first few months of your life were rough for me.  your unpredictability coupled with so many variables in our day to day life made for some mama madness here for a bit.  but it's almost as if you're making up for it these past couple months by being the easiest going baby.

at nine and a half months, you still have no teeth and still don't crawl and both are fine with me!  late teeth, so they say, means late puberty.  and no crawling means i can place you somewhere with a couple toys (er, items... more on that later) and you're peachy.  no matchbox cars in your mouth, no hot radiators under your tender hands, no stairs to tumble down.  yet. 

you go to sleep without a peep both at night and during your two naps each day.  and at night sometimes you sleep 13 hour stretches, not waking in the morning till 9 or 10am.  it's a little freaky, but gives me some alone time in the mornings with your brother, which is nice because he too is barely-not-a-baby anymore and he loves to cuddle and sing and rock too sometimes.

speaking of adam, boy does he love you.  and you him.  he gets sad when i put you to bed without letting him hug you first.  when you wake in the mornings, he begs to hug and kiss you.  he is constantly hugging you, playing with you, and when you cry he immediately starts singing a song to cheer you up. 

you are still more interested in anything BUT baby toys, so we have to be creative looking around our house for things to interest you that are also safe to go into your mouth..  you wave hello and goodbye, like to chew on your thumb, laugh and smile, have a ticklish neck, like to look at books and love to be where you can see mama.  you love to bounce in your jumper, splash in the big tub with brother, and have recently started to mimic sounds that we say to you when we say them.  recently, i've come in to your room to find you in your crib on your belly and in a totally different spot, so i know you're creeping around.

you feed yourself lots of foods.  you self-fed sweet potatoes, pasta, fruits, cheerios, cheeses, breads, etc.  you don't have quite the appetite i remember adam having, but you are quite a bit smaller, so this makes sense.

you are such beautiful baby marin, inside and out.  i love you so much - mama.



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2012-03-23T22:19:16.071-04:00

holy smokes.  today was amazing.  in so many small ways that added up to a big fat day of lovely.first and foremost, i was feeling much much better, which makes all the difference.on a whim i asked a friend i haven't seen in awhile to go to the beach with our children.  she chose a beach i'd never been to.  it was SO beautiful.  dunes and sea grass and rocky crests in the distance.  no other people, soft breeze, abundant sun.  perfection.our sons played well and marin was a peach.i've realized, and am constantly (perhaps on 30 second rotating cycle all day long) reminded that there is always up and down.  crazy and calm.  sunny and dark.  annoying and pleasing.  i think i've shared it here before, but eric often says there is "sugar with shit" in everything.  and he is right.a couple prime examples from today include- i was in bliss brain, smiling watching my son and his friend chase the waves out and then scream and run back toward us as the waves licked their ankles, their pants rolled up to their knees.  i told my friend i was SO glad we did this, despite having to rush around this morning packing lunches and beach toys and sunscreen and blankets... it was a perfect day and they were playing SO well.  it was almost surreal.  and then adam didn't outrun his wave.  from about 100 feet away, i watched him, fully clothed, fall in a wave.  and then soaked, unable to stand up, start crying and stumbling, flailing, falling over and over as he tried to stand and walk out of the water.  he was totally fine, in about 6 inches of water, just scared.  i jumped up to run and grab him, then marin started screaming, as she does the minute she can't see my face.  sadly i did not bring any extra clothes for my kids (mommy fail) so he spent the rest of our beach day in his underwear and a hoodie.  afterward, yep, i took him target that way too.  three year olds can get away with this, luckily.- marin sat ALL day at the beach without making a peep.  she was all smiles and coos and happy, round dimply baby perfection.  she didn't have any baby toys (mommy fail), but was happy to inspect tubes of sunscreen, hats, and other assortments of items from my purse/beach bag.  she ate well, laughed at the boys.  my friend and i couldn't believe that she 1-hadn't napped and 2- was still so pleasant.  we both commented on how lucky that she isn't yet crawling, she stayed put right on the blanket!  and then i saw her pulling that blanket aside and taking big handfuls of sand, scooping them right up to her mouth and taking big big big bites.  before i could stop her, she leaned over to put her mouth directly in the sand for a big bite, but lost her balance and toppled forward, face planting in the sand.  she screamed like she was dying as i used baby wipes to get the sand out of her eye lashes, her nostrils....- when we got home, we were ALL sandy and tired, so i decided we'd do a family shower.  we've only done this a handful of times b/c 1- adam has been afraid of showers until recently and 2- let's be honest, a shower is one of the only times i have alone all day and i am reluctant to give up that precious time!  but today, in we all went.  happiness, washing up, talking to adam about our fun day, keeping an eye on marin as she sat near the drain chewing on a bath toy.  adam annouced he needed to pee, and climbed out of the shower to go to the potty.  ok.  i took his absence as an opportunity to wash my hair.  then he yells - MOM WIPE ME!  I POOPED! erg.  sigh. ok, i told him, one second... i rinse my hair.  i then hear him say, all of the sudden, MOM LOOK AT ME, I AM STANDING ON THE TOILET!  um, what!?!?!?  i look down at the baby to make sure she's ok before i hop out of the shower to see what he is doing and see her taking big handfuls of my shampoo suds and taking[...]



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2012-03-22T22:08:34.685-04:00

uh oh,  an unfortunate thing happened.  i got very sick.

i went to the dr last week for this cough that will. not.  quit.  after sleepless, coughing nights for over two weeks, i'd had enough.  she prescribed me a couple inhalers and a cough suppressant and said to come back if i didn't start getting better.

then things got worse.  way worse.  yesterday i felt worse than i have in ... well, maybe ever.  and i suddenly had a fever.

i went back to see dr with this fever and clunky, wheezy, noisy lungs.  while i asked adam not to touch that and gave marin something to chew on, she said things like "bronchitis" and "pneumonia" and handed me her personal cell phone number and a prescription for antibiotics.

i popped the first two at the pharmacy counter.

today is day two and i feel somewhat better. 

thanks to this speedbump, i have had lots of personal leisure time.  probably not enough - as i still powered through making dinner one night, going to tj's, a meeting with adam's teacher, and teaching a yoga class tonight (ugh).  BUT i did get my class last night subbed. and, also i took a nap today.  a nap!!  i slept in till 8 today.  8!!!  and eric made coffee and breakfast and did laundry and ran errands and did SO much while i lazed about our house and porch for two days (it's crazy warm and sunny and despite how i feel, i had to soak some into my skin).  i read people magazine and ate leftovers and did more resting than normal. i could have totally rested more, but still.  it was pretty awesome.

thanks to this speedbump, i have not done much organizing or streamlining our living space.  i do have a clutter bucket - that's full.  and not getting put away today. but that's as far as i have gotten.  i think a little slack this week is ok since, you know, i can barely breathe.

i haven't been on a computer too much, which is also great.  and i have spent loads of time with our babies, which is always the best part of my days. 

forced rest.  not such a bad thing.  if only i could breathe.

back to time tracking and normalcy and working on goals when i feel like i can fearlessly take a full breath without having to dig around for an inhaler afterward.



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2012-03-21T07:56:14.774-04:00

so how's it going?

day 1 i did not factor in the personal leisure time.  i definitely got about a half hour and then in the evening mixed personal with work on my computer, for sure.  :-/  not so great. 

day 2 and 3 i did have the personal time because we had time with friends.  also, eric and i are netflixing a series right now and that time was total down time in the evening for over an hour after the kids were in bed (tho the show is crazy stressful!  breaking bad.)

only checking email and facebook 5 times a day is, sadly, a joke.  i am going to keep working on it... however, i definitely check 5 times by noon thanks to my lil iphone.  i HAVE made an effort, however, to not be absorbed by anything electronic while with babies and that's working out really well if i do say so myself. 

just three days in and so much more work to do on this little project. eric leaves this week for a bit so it will be interesting to see how it goes without him here.  harder without an extra set of hands?  easier because i can set aside an hour to work in the evenings without feeling guilty for missing out on hanging time with him? will recap later... marin is waking now and i want to start today off properly.

ta ta for now, internet.



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2012-03-18T08:56:50.114-04:00

i have a little problem.friday i was reading a bit of real simple magazine* and there is an article about the busy lives of women and how we feel we have no time.  somewhere this article mentioned the plight of women with just one hour of personal time, or leisure time, per day.um so yeah. this stuck with me.  probably because on most days, i do not have one hour of purely personal time.  and if i do, it is certainly not leisurely.  it's spent on personal priorities, such as showering, returning calls, making sure i have clothes to wear, healthy food to eat.so. wow. this is not good.i didn't need to read an article in real simple to tell me that.  but still it definitely brought the issue up to the fore front of my mind.  along with an article i found via my pal mb's blog, which basically outlined that instead of being super "busy" we're sorta wasting our time on things that are lame (like facebook).  ok, i can relate.so what am i going to do about this?  well.  i think that waiting around for things to change is always the wrong option.  if i just lament that i have no me time, constantly feel in over-drive, and then do zilch about it, then zilch will occur.  maybe it's silly, maybe it's a symptom of my tends-to-be-type-a personality, my virgo need to organize and command, but i think i need to manage this shit on a very basic level, at least to begin with.  i need some self-discipline.so this week i am going to set some boundaries and goals.  and i'm also going to time track my days.goals and boundaries:- i will not check email or facebook more than five times per day.  wow.  limiting myself to five times a day is so ridiculous to even write down, i am resisting a huge urge to delete that.  FIVE TIMES?!  as a limit.  isn't it crazy that i (we?  i am hoping i'm not alone here....) check our email and facebook a gazillion times a day.  yes, it is.  i have this little iphone and i look at it so many times.  so many.  i will set a limit.  i have a business to run, so i DO need to check in several times a day.  but truly, barring a major emergency (but really, then, wouldn't i just make a phone call??) five times a day is my limit.  so it's sunday, day 1, and at 8am i have already looked at both once.  4x to go.- i will set aside dedicated work time every day. this will be my hardest goal for sure.  especially when eric is away.  but i really do need it.  i welcome tips from self-employed mamas on how to do this one. i am constantly fitting in a phone call, an email, a software update, a blast email, etc in the preschool pick up line, in the grocery store, while i make lunch or drive somewhere (seriously).  i hate it and it makes me distracted.  it makes me irritated with the kids because can't they just SEE that i REALLY need to send this email right now?!?! i honestly need at least two uninterrupted hours per day at a desk.  but i could make do with one hour.  but... when?  i could get up at 6am and work till 8am... but then when do i practice yoga or sleep?  i could work from 8pm to 10pm, but then when do i relax and have kid-free downtime?  i think this particular goal will have to be scheduled day-to-day.  but it's a must.  and with that said...- i will not work while i am with my kids/i will keep my work to it's dedicated time each day.  so this is going to be really hard because this is the nature of the life i have adopted.  i have no clear cut "work days" and juggle and switch all day between being a mom, a wife, a business owner, a teacher.... and sometimes all those things at one time.  but i think this is part of what is making me crazy.  i NEED to compartmentalize a little because i have these children who mean [...]



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2012-03-08T23:15:56.615-05:00

dear god

thank you for this life.

thank you for so many big things and so many small things.

big things from my life - my amazing and endlesssssssssly supportive husband.  happy and healthy children.  desire.  imagination.  health.  family support and deep friendships.  my brother, who is my oldest and longest and most knowing friend. nourishment in food and rest and relationships.

small things from just today - the way the water looked in the wind and sun on my morning walk, our city standing tall behind.  the choice to buy this tank of a car, which seemed ridiculous at the time,  but lately, everyday more and more and especially today is such a blessing.  our little co-op preschool, which i can't spend time in without getting choked up, no joke - so much love and support there, such a perfect introduction to a learning environment, so many new friends for adam and mama alike.  for eric's job, which is insane and crazy and unpredictable, but is also SECURE, which means a lot right now, his health insurance and guaranteed, never-laid-off paycheck, his built in peer group no matter where we are.  for the luck to live in so many places and know so many people - that a friend in key west recently "introduced" me to her friend in seattle (via email) because seattle friend is moving to maine.  for these new bogs boots from my most thoughtful friend that are crazy warm and secure on slippery surfaces, and for the knowledge of how important this is when carrying a baby in a carseat, a purse, a yoga mat, a diaper bag, a book bag, a lunch box, a set of keys and a steaming cup of coffee.  the four seasons that i've gotten to know, since i've never experienced this before and the luck that this "winter" hasn't been so bad after all (62 degrees today, a record high, is my kind of "winter").  coffee.  tea.  wine.  (yep, all of those.  today.) and good food.  those gorgonzola crackers from trader joes and tj's itself - how did i ever grocery shop before without the kid-sized carts and stickers at check out. david bowie and talking heads and my morning jacket.  my little yoga studio and the ideas. the red cheeks on my son after many hours of running and playing with friends.  the way my daugher smiles when she's in her bed (i get that) and seems so glad to be there, waving bye bye to me as i tuck her in, and her sweet face lying on her side totally a-snooze 10 minutes later. 

life is hard and so so so so so SO good.  isn't it worth it?

man, i think so.

i choose to focus on the good.



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2012-03-07T23:08:55.663-05:00

in other news, before i could have my coffee this morning (actually, AS i was making it...) adam asked me

why is our oatmeal brown?
why does the sky go allll the way up and alllll the way back down?
what IS this INSIDE the blueberry??

whew.

adam is the easiest kid i know.  i know i'm his mom, but seriously - he's a listner and a rule follower, his manners are impeccable, he plays well on his own and almost never gets into trouble, he's funny and smart and considerate.

but man, can that kid ask some questions.  this is the hardest part about being a mom right now (so small, i know, and trust me i am not complaining.)  most adults know when to observe a person's privacy - first thing in the morning is not a prime, many-questioned conversation time period.  nor is when a person is on the toilet, showering, brushing their teeth, etc.  i get questions all day during those times.  every day.  repeated over and over until i respond with something.

i love his questions.  love love love.  i am so glad his brain is turning and working and he actually thinks i know the answer to everything he dreams up to ask me.  apparently i need to set my alarm for 6am again this week so i can get good and coffee'd up before he rises.



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2012-03-07T22:48:42.360-05:00

today i was talking to someone about her upcoming international vacation with her beau.  she said - he has bad travel karma and i have good travel karma.  usually my good outweighs his bad, so we should be fine.

later i was thinking about "bad travel karma" and what might have happened to that dude.  lost a bag? missed a flight?  sick on a plane?  man.

then i realized it.  WE have bad travel karma.  we have been stranded at a filthy airport hotel in panama.  we have missed a regional flight and had to drive cross country, in a foreign country.  i have held an infant with one hand and caught toddler puke in the other.  i have been to an international beach with no suitcase arriving and forced to shop at a gift shop to have something to wear other than what i wore on the plane.  i have been stranded in various states due to all sorts of weather, eric seems to lose a bag everytime he flies, adam gets motion sickness (as do i sometimes...). once we went to another country, to a remote place, only to discover that eric had packed one shirt.  for a week.  one.  by day three or four we were washing it in the shower and hanging it to dry. and marin... well she's too little for karma, but i'm sure we'll learn what her deal is soon (i just bought 9 separate plane tickets last night.  this is not a joke - 3 people in our family who need tickets x 3 flights =  insanity) maybe the scale is weighted a little because we HAVE to fly to see our families, but still.  bad travel karma.

but.

my point is that i never, ever noticed this until today.  and then i realized that this is how we do life - we don't focus too long on the challenges.  i have definitely complained right after the bad travel karma event, but i don't recall ever adding up all our challenges and thinking that things are bad for us.  in travel, and in our crazy life, we get curve balls so many times and plow on, look at what's good, and never (rarely...) look back. 



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2012-03-02T23:39:35.591-05:00

oh wow.for maybe the first time ever since i've been keeping this little blog, i missed a month of posting.  a whole month!the truth is i have been too busy living to be writing it down.  living myself and supporting the life of a few other people, as well.so where are we?  am i?sporadic notes:our teacher training began.  we have several guest teachers coming to breathing room, and i am beyond honored to host them.  and, if i am being honest, proud of myself for pulling this all together. the anatomy scholar in residence from kripalu, a philosophy teacher from my own training, several experienced teachers from boston, it's pretty amazing. the students are ALSO crazy amazing.  they are such a tribe already, so connected.  they are talented, inquisitive and eager.  i am glad to know each of them.  and, as i move through this with a partner teacher, i am re-learning SO much.  i am so glad to have done this on so many different levels.we had construction done at our studio to expand (!!) and i migrated our paper sytem to an electronic system, which involved hand-entering over 1000 students by hand... ergggg.  i was so lucky to have some help with this, but it was still a bear, setting everything up, getting it all in order, receiving and then giving training, purchasing the proper equipment, aligning with our bank systems, sigh.  but now it is DONE-ZO and my life is way easier.  so many things i did each week by hand are now computerized and breezy (buh bye, excel!).  we are also having our website overhauled, so that's been a big job too and is still underway.basically, to sum up, it's a good thing i quit my day job because suddenly this small business became a real job.  thankfully, i love it so much.oh yeah, and in other yoga news - in feb lululemon invited me to be an ambassador, which is crazy nice and a total surprise, i registered for a teacher training with seane corn coming up in may, and our studio was named groupon's choice for best yoga in portland.  seriously, it was a crazy big month.eric was away most of feb, which took me from "on my toes" to on my toenails.  whew.  it was an atypical month, he was gone more than normal.  it was very hard.  i definitely shed some tears into the phone and may or may not have said a few times that i just couldn't do this anymore... yet, each day i went to bed and the sun rose the next day and my feet hit the floor and on we went.  we made it through that long short month and he's back now for a bit, which is so nice.  it is so easy to appreciate our togetherness as a family when he is here and the simple small things that are so much easier when there are two adults involved.  because the month was warm, i spent lots of time outside with adam and marin.  i biked them to the playground for the first time in our double bike chariot.  in february i also began working with a fitness trainer.  she's helping me get my body back in gear now that i am (fairly, maybe?) sure that we're done having babies.  i love working with her.  love love love.  sometimes i have to get a sitter because of eric's schedule.  sometimes i have to dig around all over our house for meter change so i can go.  sometimes i have to cancel meetings and rearrange playdates so i can go.  BUT.  but i made the commitment to do this for myself, so ... i'm doing it.  i am also working on my eating habits and being super mindful about what goes in. small meals, frequent.  complex carbs early in the day, lots and lots of fruits, veggies, and proteins.  4lbs gone and i feel like a million bucks, so it's all good so far.marin is sitting like a p[...]



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2012-01-31T22:38:46.256-05:00

today was a love my life kinda day.  nothing special, just lots of special moments

doctoring adam's ripped and torn paper dragon from his chinese new year celebration at preschool.  the streamers keep falling off, he plays it so much.  he held the "legs" in place while i glued and taped.  again.  and again.

shoveling snow, breathing cold air into my warm body.  it snowed all day long.  making a snowman with adam, snow angels, letting him "help" with the shovel.

built a fire and actually sat on the couch, in the middle of the house-hurricane -- dishes, lunch crumbs ALL over the dining room floor, coats and boots strewn, dora matching cards all over the floor, unfolded laundry in a basket -- to read and drink tea under a blanket while my kids napped.  this one hour made all the difference.  must do this more often.

holding adam while i made dinner because he wanted to see what was in the pan - brown rice, peas, carrots, chicken. 

adam asking me if those things we paint with we put in our ears?  it took a LONG time and lots of three-year-old frustration before i figured out that he must have painted with q-tips at school and to tell him, no, only mommy and daddy can put those in ears...

adam telling me a story that went like this: once upon a time, i went on a walk in the forest and i found a baby lion and i gave him some milk, and then i saw a baby skunk and i gave him some milk and he didn't poop on me, and then i saw a baby squeel (squirrel) and gave him some milk and then i came home,  the end!

marin chewing up two of those dora cards before adam or i even noticed.  her looooong nap mid-day today, allowing me that couch-sitting, fire-side, tea and reading break.  her excited smile and her happiness with her brother.  i swear of all the people she ever sees, she loves adam the most of all.  i hope hope hope hope hope hope hope that this lasts.  they are so in love with each other.  the first and last things adam does every day is ask to hug her and kiss her.  and i've never seen her smile so big as when he's around.

and this evening, i got my entire to-do list done BEFORE midnight (ie, work/studio stuff) and so i'm off to read and tea more.  working on soothing a sore throat and reading the hunger games (book 2).  can't stop.

--

my worst time of day is morning, first couple hours..  i am SO crabby and grumpy and rushed and annoyed.  i know that this is because i am hungry.  i am hungry because i wait till the last possibly minute to get up (approx 20 mins before the babies) and i cannot eat for awhile when i get up.  i cannot eat for awhile because i have to take some medicine on an empty stomach.  eric told me recently that hunger is my big weakness.  he is so right.

well.  this is totally fixable.

i don't like this crabby me.  i don't like getting irritated with adam because he isn't opening wide enough when i try to brush his teeth.  or feeling like screaming when the baby is crying or telling adam to hurry hurry HURRY to the car.  it totally totally sucks. 

so.

tomorrow - up at 6am.  food in my belly as soon as i am able.  things ready to go out the door (self included) before children awaken around 7am.  some things you just can't fix, and some you can.  this changes tomorrow.  no more hunger-danger-zone-mornings.



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2012-01-28T22:35:59.571-05:00

eric has been away awhile and that really sucks.  BUT - he sends me funny funny texts and photos and i'm able to laugh about things you can only laugh about with your partner, and in a way i feel like it makes us closer than the average couple.  maybe?  thing is, we HAVE to work at our relationship.  we HAVE to stay connected, to talk on the phone or email (or, ugh, text) about our whole lives sometimes.  to find something funny, take a picture of it, and send it with witty comments, knowing it will make the other laugh -  this is a way of connecting, of thinking of each other, of staying anchored.  i'm grateful for him and our shared humor.  don't get me wrong, it's much much better when he's here.  we get along the best the longer we're together.  but still, glad for him and our unspoken commitment to stay connected in the big ways and in the small (which are really big, even tho they seem small). 

it's been a warm winter here.  i know b/c 1- i am not too bothered by it (which could also be that i adjusted slightly?) and 2- i can see green grass.  i specifically remember the moment (april!?) when i saw grass again last year.  to still see grass, intermixed with the snow, yes, but still, is amazing and promising.  adam, marin and i walked to swimming at the Y today and i didn't wear a coat!  just a sweater!  there were puddles, a good sign.  i am hoping this means a warm spring.  the year eric and i visited here to househunt it was late april and high 70's.  then we moved here and last april was more like 50's.  such a tease!  a joke.  a sad sad joke.  hoping this means that this year will be like that househunting year - an early, warm, dry spring.

adam says the funniest things, but so many of them show me how observant he is and that makes me so happy inside.  that he is noticing and aware.  adamisms today were - mommy, look at all this lovely snow!  and later today, in bed, while were singing "i've been working on the railroad" he stopped me and said, mommy!  did you notice today when we walked to swimming that we passed a RAILROAD!?"  at dinner, i gave him milk and in the most grateful voice he said - mommy, i love you.  just then, i swear to god, i was thinking to myself that if i was ever in an interview for a server job i'd be able to discuss all the experience i have serving my KID all damn day, while maintaining my patience... and he just blew it up and made me melt and smile.  i really love that kid.

marin swam with us for the first time.  she loved it and was a happy fishy the whole time.  she kicked her legs and chewed swimmy toys.  she gabbed ALL day, stringing together all the sounds she makes to something that sounded like a weird language - ahgadanaga!  dadadagagana!  b!  so funny.  she's eating toast and puffs and smooshed bananas and ... her sitter took a video of her the other day thisclose to crawling, apparently.  tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo fast.  i tell ya.  i worry about the need to babyproof with this one.  adam never touched a thing in our house that wasn't a kid's toy.  but already, marin turns her nose up at a rattle and a ball, but would gladly chew and inspect my wallet, a paper towel, a water bottle, my phone, the tv remote, a shoe...



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2012-01-21T23:07:30.051-05:00

things are so good.

there are so many things that are hard, but there are so many more things that are good.  i think all of life is hard, you have to look for those shining moments, those bliss spots, the little pure, clear, real moments of AH.  these hold you up through all the rest.

the way marin smiles at adam bigger than anyone else.  the way adam tells me that the snow is "milking" or that he wants ice cream with "skrinkles" every day.  the way eric answers my questions before i even ask them or reads my thoughts now without my having to say them.  the handsome way he looks doing regular every day things, like unloading the dishwasher or playing me in scrabble (on our phones, of course:)), the way i have scarily but necessarily created some space in my life to do more of what i love and, miraculously, so far, things are moving along just fine, the way this scary but very intentional shift has made me feel more powerful, more loving, more spacious, more ... happy.

--

adam is insanely smart and adorable. he asks questions and has thoughts for things he does not yet know the correct words for.  his brain is moving like a little freight train.  he's crazy courageous lately, swimming like a fish in the pool at the Y, jumping in barely holding a noodle and i am swimming over quickly to save him when he's flailing under the water.  no sooner do i lift him, he is climbing back out to jump in and do it all again. sweet baby marin is covered in cute and squishy but has a little cold and is getting teeth, so she's a fussy little meatball. she's crawling, sort of, on her back, which is hilarious to watch and i must video soon.  she tilts her head back so the top of her head is on the floor, so she can see where she's going.  then she kicks her legs and waves her arms to get to where she wants to move to.  so funny.  eric's got a BUSY winter of travel. there are maybe 10 inches of snow outside right now. 

our teacher training has just one or two spots left.  i realized the other day there are 13 weekends and at least 7 guest teachers!  i am so so so grateful to be studying myself with all these amazing teachers coming to our studio.  this entire experience is incredibly surreal and still i pinch myself everyday to make sure it's still reality i am living in.

the studio and my classes and the teachers i am working with are so so wonderful. we have a little tight community over there and our classes are full for the most part.  i mean, it's not all rainbows and sunshine - running a small biz sucks sometimes, dealing with the city or the taxes or the contractors or the bills, hiring and training, balancing the finances.  but like i already said, i am on a search for those happy nuggets - the rest is just the way life goes.  so many happy nuggets.  so many  bliss moments.  everyday i am so grateful to be here.  i'm so very happy.  and this place has resulted in happiness arriving in many many other people. i'm glad  that i took (and continue to take) so many chances, and thankful to be on this ride. thankful for the supportive net of people who are with me. crazy grateful.



1 Comments

2012-01-05T21:48:29.039-05:00

i have only one second, so i need to take it to say

you guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am doing what.i.love. and loving it. and i have two beautiful, healthy children and an amazing husband, and a warm house and cozy sweater on my arms and soft squishy socks on my feet, and kind friends and supportive family who laugh every day.

and. and. i get to do what i love for work. and that only.

life is pretty sweet. wicked busy - i am balancing so much and pulled in too many directions, plowing through a million things in the next few weeks, headed towards the light i can finally see at the end of the tunnel. but pretty sweet.

soooooooooo grateful. 



0 Comments

2011-12-22T15:48:25.606-05:00

gchat with mom:

me: luke just called me
said you asked his new gf if she had ever heard a horse fart!? MOM.
donna: what? i asked all of them that, not her specific
me: LOL



0 Comments

2011-12-10T23:55:33.885-05:00

i've noticed the moon all week.  the pretty grey clouds framing it a couple nights ago.  its movement across our sky. 

tonight someone emailed me: enjoy the bright moon tonight!

i almost forgot.

i ran to windows in my house.  nothing.  more windows.  more nothing. 

i ran, almost exasperated out the backdoor and stopped quick.  it was directly over me. 

huge.  bright bright.  the sky purple.  my heavy breath clouding around my face.  my socked feet freezing to the deck.  so so so many stars, even though we live in the city, even though the moon was bright.

lucky.

--

i've been loving on jim james and mmj since around 2005.  love this band and so thankful for their special special sound. this song from the new album - repeat.

my morning jacket
"wonderful (the way i feel)"


it matters to me
took a long time to get here
if it would have been easy
i would not have cared.

allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/gFyelklEanQ" width="560">

--

other notes from the week:

- adam's preschool is preparing a christmas program and when i pick him up i get to hear them practicing in the classroom. just hearing this gives me a big lump in my throat. i really hope i don't succeed at embarrassing a three year old in a couple weeks when we see the performance.

- marin turned 6 months old! her first year is flying by - it's half over! just one more reminder to hit the brakes and say no more often to things that don't matter and yes to those things that do (like my baby girl!). she's eating well, baby rice, sweet potatoes, peas, green beans, carrots, pears, bananas. i gave her applesauce one day and she had the worst diaper rash after for a week, so we'll wait awhile before trying that one again... not sure if it was the apples, but i'd rather just wait just in case. she's sitting unassisted a little and so happy and content most of the time. she does not like when she can't see me. we can be in the same room together, but if i walk out of her sight (such as behind her) she cries a little. baby definitely loves her mommy.

-and brother loves baby! adam can't keep his hands off her. he asks first thing every morning and last thing every evening to hug and kiss her. i must ask him 10 times a day to give her some space or to please remember to be gentle. i try not to squash his love and enthusiasm but it's a fine balance.

- eric's been away ALL WEEK but is back tomorrow - 7 days apart is hard. this week will bring a much needed date night for us. so glad.

- one of my college bff's sent me all of hbo's true blood! i've only read the first two books (something ultra light between yoga philosophy books is necessary) and loved them. so excited to watch and so thankful for my crazy- thoughtful friend.



0 Comments

2011-12-07T23:00:51.527-05:00

i got an iphone and already - less than one week - wonder why i waited so long.  my life is already contained inside this little gizmo.  the best best best part is the camera and i can't wait to take more photos of our life to share here, everyday memories that i want to keep.as one of my fave blogs posts, life lately according to my iphone:learning to sit pretty.ananda balasana.last weekend we went to ll bean in freeport for the day.  they had a winter sports weekend and made fake snow so the kids could tube and sled.  for free!moose and bears and adams, oh my.playground last friday.these two love each other more than anything.  it's very mutual.  adam can't stop hugging and kissing her and telling me what she needs when she is crying.  she can't stop laughing at him, looking at him, smiling at him and encouraging him.  i would really really love it if this lasts forever.we started taking adam to a gymnastics academy for their open gym time.  he bounces on trampolines, climbs, jumps, runs and tumbles for an hour.  basically it's the best place ever and if i could take him every day i would.  [...]



0 Comments

2011-12-06T17:22:10.507-05:00

last friday i took adam to the playground.  we walked there with the baby in the stroller.  oddly, there was only 1 other family there... very strange for this little playground near our house which is usually crawling with kids and parents.  this day, just one little boy and his dad.immediately the little boy started playing with adam, after all, they were the only two there.  he was bigger than adam and i asked his dad how old he was, the number one most asked playground question.  5 years old.  as i watched them, i noticed that his clothes were old and dirty.  old - old.  like 1980's coat old.  his shoes were those rolley wheel-in-the-heel shoes that kids wear sometimes, but the wheels were gone, just leaving these big holes.  when he got close to me, i could see one tooth up front that was totally brown.and when adam asked him his name, i heard that his speech was impaired.  his dad struck me as a little sketchy too, but nice.  tattoo of someone's name on his neck, giant baggy jeans, rough looking.  but he was being attentive and nice to his son, and eventually, chatty with me.i don't know how we got into the conversation, but he told me that he had been with his son from day 1 in the hospital.  that he had been in the hospital for over a month when was born for "complication" and he was with his son every single day there.  that the boy's mother liked to "run the streets" and in her care his son would already be "in state custody"he told me that they didn't have much but he told his son every night that they were lucky to have a roof over their heads, food on the table.  as i watched the kids running around, adam in his new - new coat, my heart truly sank and hurt, this little boy was adorable and sweet and having so much fun, but my mind was gearing me up for an awkward situation coming.... (ugh, this is really embarrassing to write/admit!!) is he going to ask me for money?  is it safe to get out my wallet if he does ask me with no one else around here?he told me that they had to leave the playground soon to do "bottle picking" and that the boy doesn't much  like doing that anymore now that he is getting older (here in maine bottles and cans are redeemable and i often see people going through trash, even our trash, at the street on trash day... so i know what bottle picking means).  he told me that his son doesn't really understand why his mom comes around sometimes and others she doesn't.  and the mom doesn't understand why her son won't hug her when she comes to visit.i told him things like - being a single parent is so hard, but all kids need is love and safety and you must be doing a great job, just look at how happy he is!  but really, what do you say to all this?  on a playground.  at 10am.  putting the pacifier back in marin's mouth, hearing my cell phone vibe in the stroller basket.he told me that he'd registered with salvation army, but they told him that they weren't doing many presents for kids this year.  my heart cracked a little more, but my brain said... ok, here it comes....and then shortly after that, he called his son, hoisted him up onto his shoulders and said to his son - ok time to go!  and to me - it was good talking to you.  and to adam - maybe we'll see you another time and can play again.  and he carried his son to their wagon, sat him inside, waved goodbye and walked away.so today is tuesday and this happened last friday and i haven't stopped thinking about it.  i'm mad at mys[...]



0 Comments

2011-11-30T23:08:49.209-05:00

i have heard before that a kitchen is like the belly of the house.  i agree with this - i realized the other day that one sweeping glance of our kitchen reveals just about all that you need to know about our family and what a hodge podge of things we are.  isn't that one of the things that makes beauty - contrast?this was a reading at our wedding ceremony.  i have had it everywhere, including, at one time, taped to my closet door so i could read it all the time, many times a day.  i like to have it around because i think it's all so true and a good reminder for how to live your married life.  that photo of us was taken when i was 23 and we'd only just met.my mama painted that picture.eric sends us postcards from every port call.  this one was our first.--lately in portland it has been CRAZY warm.  i hear birdies chirping and see mosquitos and i feel sorry for these confused creatures because it certainly DOES feel like may or june around here.  daytime temps in the 60's are MY kind of fall.  i know i'm in for a rude awakening (reminder) soon enough, but until then, loving this happy and light weather. [...]



0 Comments

2011-11-29T15:11:58.882-05:00

honesty:

i find myself boiling inside when people try to compare eric's and my "schedule" with their situation.  as in: my husband travels like yours and things are SO hard!  i mean, two months ago, he was actually away for 4 days in a row!  can you believe that?!  or, he works 12 hours a day and our kids never see him.  if you're reading this, please take it as a public service announcement to never, ever say something like that to a military spouse, not even a coast guard spouse. if your partner is home over half the month, if you see your partner every day, or most days, if you can discuss what came in the mail, a funny commercial you saw on TV, the weird poop your kid had, how we're out of toilet paper, and all the little things you say everyday that you take for granted, then just don't say that to a military spouse.

my husband is not in a war zone (THANK GOD), but we have two babies, are far far far from any friends or family, i work two jobs and he is gone 15-20 days EVERY month.  i have coastie wife friends whose husbands were gone for their ENTIRE pregnancies to places where he couldn't call home, or spent months cleaning up the Gulf oil spill without a single trip home. 

when people say this to me, i try to be sympathetic.  i try to understand that my adjustment to eric's schedule is like a muscle i've worked on, i've built up a tolerance that others don't have b/c they simply don't have to. 

but still.  just don't.  we all have our difficulties. i don't want a medal and there are SO many men and women who have it 100x harder than we do.

i think, let's just not compare.  let's just support.



0 Comments

2011-11-23T15:13:45.209-05:00

randomly grateful for

- not seeing eric smoke in about a year.  he smells like a cigarette sometimes, i find butts in his pockets (he can't bring himself to throw them on the ground or in the ocean), and my candle ligher goes missing occasionally... but he never smokes around me or our babies.  ever.  this isn't as good as quitting, b/c i don't want him to, like, die.  but i think it's pretty considerate.

 - the way adam has begun to tell me, out of no where: mommy, i love you SO much.  mommy, thank you for making us this dinner.  mommy, will you stay here with me all day today?

- the way marin snarfles and wiggles her entire body and smiles her biggest smile in the morning when i come into her room to get her out of her crib.  it's like she knows she can't talk so she is using every possible body language cue she can think of to tell me exactly how happy she is to see me.

- the amazing and wonderful thing that always happens even when we think it won't: close a door on something you don't need and a better door to something you do need will miraculously open right up.  grateful that i'm starting, just just just starting a tiny bit, to trust that this happens every time.

- the way our room looked like a black and white photo this morning, the sky was so gray.  snow falling outside, babies asleep and house quiet, cuddles from eric.

- calls all morning asking if our noon class would be on today, in the snow.  why yes!  we will be having a noon yoga class in the falling snow and in maine - WHO AM I!?  life is so wonderful.  honestly, the crazyness of the way things have unfolded for me, in a way i never ever dreamed, makes me excited for whatever lies ahead.  maybe in another 10 years i'll be living in ... china... making gourmet doughnuts...  in a house on a mountain top... having another baby... and learning to fly a plane.  i mean, honestly, at this point.... i really really do believe it:

ANY thing is possible.



0 Comments

2011-11-22T14:40:52.093-05:00

whenever i read a blog and the writer suddenly doesn't post anymore i sometimes wonder if something bad happened.  don't ask why my mind goes there, but it does.  if you know me, you know why i haven't been so busy on this blog.  and if you don't know me, i can tell you that we are all fine and dandy and there is no need to worry!  this has been a very very very busy time in life and sadly i haven't done a very good job of documenting all that's swirling.  all good things - but just so many good things that writing it all down isn't something i've had much time (or gumption) for.adam's started preschool, a co op, which takes some time on my part.  parent meetings, occasionally working in the classroom, attending field trips, etc.  he LOVES his school and so do eric and i.  he is saying all the days of the week, counting to 35, will be getting his drivers license next weekend... i kid.  but really, it's been such a wonderful experience so far.marin is a chubby little jelly bean who i just adore and could simply eat up.  she's so squishy and smiley and we love her to bits.  she's eating a few solid foods and sleeping like a log at night time, thisclose to sitting on her own.  her eyes are blue blue blue blue and seem that they might stay that way.  i just love her so much.breathing room is busting at the seams, i wish i could make our room roomier!  almost all our classes are full.  something has shifted recently, i think a combonation of efforts and community support and amazing teachers and the right schedule... things are good.  we're adding classes, finally going digital and off our paper system and working on a teacher training for the late winter and spring.  things are amazing and it's hard to believe i've been at it for nearly a year.  i can tell i am becoming a stronger teacher and i can't stop reading and studying - things are good, feel right.i put in notice at my "day job" and will be leaving at the end of the year.  until then, i've scaled back my schedule by a lot.  i'm simply working too much and pretty much going nutso doing it all.  i can't maintain a solid focus on any one thing b/c i am constantly pulled in so many directions, it's been insane (not to mention i basically hand my entire paycheck to our nanny at the end of each week :( ).  i had to look at the things that make me happy and prioritize (don't think i am not THANKFUL to be in the position to even be able to do that!).  i like working and have been building my career for over a decade.  however, this job comes last on the happy list, so it was time for me to go.  eric's still working working working, but we're getting better at adjusting and making it a norm.  when he is home he is the dad and husband and friend of the year, and for this i am thankful.  he always puts us first and i honestly couldn't ask for more.  i am forever grateful for his unending support in every single thing i want to try or do and that he is the dad to our children - they are very lucky.last weekend, eric stayed home with the kiddos so i could fly to dc sort of last minute to see my girlfriends (and go see the twilight movie...? oh  yes!)  it was beyond wonderful.  how nice, after a year of having to make new friends, meet new people, strike up conversations at the playground, tentatively "friend" other moms on facebook, etce tc etc, to fall right into [...]



0 Comments

2011-10-21T22:52:29.692-04:00

wow, nearly a month has passed.

where have i been?  well, life's been taking big bites outta me.  but don't you worry.  i'm biting back.

baby is good, a fat, dimply, smiley little butterball of a sweet girl.  so curious, loving already.  she loves her brother, watching him.  and he loves her, constantly wanting to hug her, kiss her, sing to her, play with her, talk to her in the car (that was a big bump, huh, marin?) she's growing too fast too, way too fast.  she was just born, i blinked, and she's sneaking up on five months. adam is growing at the speed of light and i'm amazed at him daily - all the funny things he says, stuff he notices, his funny faces, his crazy requests, his smart negotiations.   eric and i are good, great. i am so thankful for him, my friend and partner, his unending support for all my crazy ideas, all the times i say "i can do it ALL!" and "i just can't do it anymore...".  the yoga studio is trucking.  we have the MOST amazing group of teachers - can't believe how lucky i am to know these people.  to experience them.  classes are growing, full, people are feeling it, feeling the good, and i'm gratefulgratefulgrateful for the entire overwhelming experience. 

more real life coming soon.  but i'm still here.  i'm doing it.  living my life, albeit in overdrive lately.

but soon, i'm biting back.  stay tuned.



0 Comments

2011-09-25T22:46:17.466-04:00

um, wow, so, yeah, i'm 30 now! 

and what a whirlwind month it's been.  how happy i am.

friends from DC stopped on their way north.  yep, NORTH.  they were on a super-make-me-jealous road trip to prince edward island, canada. 

my bff from visisted from sc and we had some much needed mama-time-off and i couldn't have pulled off adam's birthday party without here.

adam turned THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.  THAT is more unbelievable than me turning 30, i believe.  we had a firetruck bday party.  we went to the firestation with all the kids and he loved it.  adam also started preschool this month, where he goes 3 mornings a week.  he has a little lunchbox and brings home artwork and is already learning too much & is such a big boy.

eric was here for a while, which is always nice. seriously, he has to be the best man on the planet.  he might be gone a ton, but when he's here he gives us 200 percent, being the best dad, husband, chef, friend, business partner, house keeper, diaper changer around!

i bought tickets for a trip home next month.  beyond excited to see my family soon, see my  brother's new house, take marin on her first plane ride.

speaking of that little round person,  marin is getting cuter and cuter BY.THE.DAY.  i swear she is the most beautiful baby ever.  she's a new person, too.  completely content nearly 100 percent of the time, happy, smiling, cooing, playing, predictable.  she greets me with smiles in the morning and is happy go lucky all day, which makes for a much much much happier mama.  (that she's sleeping 12 hours per night doesn't hurt either :))

making plans for the yoga studio, some new directions and ideas for next year.  but also thinking of how i can get some more "breathing room" in my own life.  i love these people here at my house so so so so freaking much.  i am too busy, too crunched up, to always be my best self.  so considering ways to find more space while also still following my other dreams and goals.

my 30th birthday was met with breakfast, a happy birthday song from my little boy, an island hike with my little family, a night out with my handsome husband. 

luckyluckyluckyluckylucky.  CRAZY lucky.



0 Comments

2011-09-10T23:15:25.639-04:00

today is the last day of my 20's.how did i spend the last day of my 20's?started my day early, in bed with my wonderful husband, who rose before me and fed and changed our daughter downstairs while i snoozed upstairs.  when he left the room, i groggily asked, from behind my sleep mask, to wake me at 710.  he said ok.  at 745 i received a text from a yoga teacher needing a sub today, which woke me.  when i went downstairs to find eric smiling at marin on his lap, he said - i know you asked me to wake you, but i wanted to let you rest.  after coffee (brewed by eric, such a luxury... it's truly the little things...) and bathrobe time, i scooted off to teach the yoga class this morning.  i missed the salutation nation, a big outdoor yoga event, here in portland as a result, but it was ok b/c the class rocked and i was so happy.  i ran errands then, picking up a baby gift for a baby shower i had to attend this afternoon and spending time at the arts & crafts store to get stuff for adam's 3rd birthday party next weekend.  i checked in with eric by phone - he was at the farmers' market with both kids, sucking on honey sticks, playing with hula hoops ("those big circles" as adam calls them) sitting on the grass listening to live music and picking up fresh garlic.  have i mentioned how great this man is?i showered and ran out the door, thanking god silently for the extra curl and texture that has come into my hair these days, post-baby - it makes for wash-n-wear hair that looks nice even if i don't blow dry, even if i shower, dress and head off on my way.i spent a few hours this afternoon with some women i think are fantastic and celebrated a baby on its way and its mama, my friend.and then, i came home and made a delicious dinner for my husband and son, while eric bathed marin in the sink next to where i cooked at the stove.  pasta, salad, gorgonzola italian bread, meatballs.  while eric finished eating, adam played cars in the living room and i stood next to the table, rocking marin in my arms, finishing a glass of wine, talking about our friends, upcoming travel plans, what we might do tomorrow.  listening to frank zappa, avett brothers, string cheese incident.all around, it was the perfect day.  the ONLY thing that could have made it better was joining those guys at the farmers' market instead of running errands. man, it was a GORGEOUS day, 75, breezy and sunny - perfection.  now that we're mid-september, these days are limited, i know.   and we all know how limited my days with eric are.so what are our plans for tomorrow, my THIRTIETH birthday?  eric is going to make us breakfast.  i hope we'll eat all together, in mismatched pajamas with morning breath and messy hair, glasses instead of contacts, coffee mugs steaming nearby, smiles at the funny things adam has to say - such as this recent interaction - me: adam, how did you sleep?  adam: mmmmm, like a banana. adam tells me that he and daddy are going to make me a cake. i hope we'll spend some time outside together, enjoying the last drops of summer. i teach an afternoon yoga class and then eric and i have dinner reservations in the evening.  i couldn't imagine a more perfect day.[...]